Help needed for a DD that is acting RUDE!

[jessmaine]

Help, I need a little advice to deal with my daughter, Paige that is acting like a little beast. She just turned 4 and we had her party tonight. It was mostly family and a few of her friends and families. Well, I invited my aunt Linda and Paige had a fit when she found out that she was coming. She was crying a told me to uninvite her. She has NEVER liked my aunt. She won't speak to her or even look at her. She has screamed in her face that she does not like her. My aunt knows it and feels bad about it. My aunt is a bit intense and she was a little in Paiges face when she was little but she has backed off alot.
So tonight when we were opening gifts. I handed Paige a gift and said it was from Aunt Linda and Paige gave it right back to me and said she did not want to open it. Well, I finally had to open it and give it too her and she would not even look at the gift ot say Thank you! It was very embarassing and very RUDE! I pulled her aside after the gifts and told her that I thought she was rude and she needed to say "Thank you". Well, paige that told me she "hated" Linda.
I don't know what to do. It is soooooo rude and fresh. She also does that same thing to my grandmother. I need to do something because I can't let her act this way. Any advice?????

[Sevilla]

From reading what you wrote I wonder if there is a serious reason that she has such strong feelings towards those two people. Does she react this way to anyone else?

[jessmaine]

No, She is pretty shy sometimes with strangers but she does NOT act like this. My husband HATES my aunt so I wonder if she has overheard something he has said or just maybe taken a sign from him. He is nice to her but def. doesn not like her. My grandmother is a dream. She was a preschool teacher for 50 years and is so good with kids, so who know about her.
I really don't know what to do......

[linda_loo]

find a consequence for her undesirable behavoirs, offer it and be ready to stand behind it.

i don't know for sure what i would do in that situation, but i would probably take her out of the room and tell her exactly what behavoir was desired (accept the present, open it and say thank you). then, i think i would go on and tell her that having birthday presents and a loving family is a priviledge and that if she doesn't become cooperative, that (the priviledge can be taken away)... she would not be allowed to play with any of her new presents this week... and/or that she would not be permitted to open any more of her presents and/or that she would have to stay in her room and could not enjoy her party. potentially embarrassing to you if you have to deal out that consequence, but i think the lesson to be learned in the situation would be worth it.

it sounds like some conversation also has to be initiated about family and finding a way to be kind to someone, even if you feel that you do not *like* them... even if her aunt is intense, there are lots of people that she will get to know in her future years, she has to find a way to deal with them, no?. maybe dh is the one who should do that, and set the proper example?

[LeighW]

ITA with Linda.

Also, try to be very careful about talking about the aunt when your DD is awake, even if you don't think she's listening. She probably overheard something your DH said, or she's picking up on his nonverbal cues.

[linda_loo]

thanks leigh. to be honest, i wanted to say that my child wouldn't get any of her presents if she behaved in that way, but i didn't want to sound too harsh. i have been told that i am too hard on my kids.

[jay&erinn]

ITA with Linda and Leigh. My kid would have lost all gifts until she could appologize to the aunt. Then a nice discussion on being greatful and kind, even if you don't care for someone.

i have been told that i am too hard on my kids.
We hear that too. IMO, most people are too easy on their kids.

[jessmaine]

I totally agree with you all about taking away all her presents but at the time, I just did not want to make a scene. I think only my aunt and I noticed her horrible behavior. I have had my husband talk to her and tell het that he really loves Linda. Paiges answer to that ws " I don't like her"!!!!!! UGGGG
Stubborn kids:((((((((((

[Renrel]

I agree that DD needs to be polite and not let her bad feelings about a person show, but I hope you are keeping in mind that not only does she have a right to like and dislike whomever she pleases, she does not necessarily have a choice in how she feels, just in how she behaves. It is important, I think, to acknowledge her feelings and teach her about how we behave towards people we don't like. How you can feel something but still treat the person with respect and not embarrassment or make them feel bad intentionally. Teaching her that she had control over her actions, even if she does not have them over her feelings. Of course there are tricky concepts here. Where does politeness pass over into phonyness and where do you start disallowing/disowning your own "negative" feelings.


I also wonder if DD would have chosen to have the party at all if she was told the aunt she does not like was a required guest, and if you would have been OK with that. Maybe next year you can give her that choice. Aunt (and anyone else you feel is a required invite) is on the guest list for the "big" party, and treated like a guest by DD, or she can have a party that consists only of the immediate family. I am not suggesting making the second a consquence, but an actual legitmate choice. She may even have a third suggestion. But if she is involved in the planning and decision making around her party she may be more likely to behave in an acceptable manner.

I of course am the mom of a 3 yr old and may be eating my words once I have a 4yr old. This advice based on theory not experience, take it for what it is worth.