Help/advice/support needed re: pacifier problem

[sublime311]

Hi Ladies... I need help... :(

My almost 7 year old stepson is on a plane as I write this to stay with DH and I for 3 weeks. We see him about 3 times a year and this will be the longest he's been with us - usually it's 1 to 2 weeks at a time. My DH and his ex-wife were seperated for about 2 years and their divorce became finale a little bit after the 2 years. So, it's been about 4 years since DH has lived with them.

Problem #1: Andrew still uses a pacifier (he calls it a pacee). Ugh.. It just makes me sick to even type that out. And he doesn't just have one, he has several that he "must" have with him at any given time - expecially during sleep. Every time he doesn't get his way in whatever situation, he cries and demands to have his pacee - we have limited his use to bedtime ONLY. When he deny the pacee he SCREAMS for his mommy - he knows she would let him have it. He is completely incapable of comforting himself without the pacee. He also won't let anyone else comfort him. He'll scream like this until he can be distracted by something else which is the strategy we have used. Andrew knows that other kids his age do not use a pacee. He is embarressed by it, but no amount of reasoning, or explanation changes his mind.

Problem #2: His mother sabotages EVERY attempt we have made to get rid of the pacifier(s). We feel it's our responsibility to tell her that we plan to get rid of it, but she tells Andrew that "daddy and Kelli said they are going to not let you have your pacee, but I'm going to tell them to let you have it". Her justification is that she used a pacifier until she was 8 and she's "turned out just fine". :eek: This time when James told her we were going to transition him off the pacee over these 3 weeks, she said "don't, I'll just give it back to him when he get's home". This is a woman who had "Santa" leave a pacee in his stocking this past year. Hey, even Santa approves. :eek:

Problem #3: Last time he was here, we took him to the dentist (because she hasn't, but that's a whole different post) and we were told that he already has MAJOR jaw deformity because of the pacee use and that he MUST stop using it before his permanent teeth come in. As it is, he is already looking at future reconstructive surgery to have the current damage corrected. Right now, if Andrew puts his teeth together (lines them up) he actually has a 1/2 inch gap where his front teeth do not touch.. :(

Problem #4: We do not have the money to attempt to gain custody or at the very least force (court-order?) her to get this taken care of.

Problem #5: When Andrew is with us, we have rules and limit his sugar intake. We make every attempt to not let him control us or what we do, but we do fail sometimes. DH, as can be expected, is worried about Andrew hating us for enforcing rules, limiting sugar, and taking the pacee away. As it is, today he threw a fit while getting on the plane - he didn't want to come. Once here he has a great time, but I think it's the fear of having to conform to OUR rules that bothers him. He actually sat at the table once for a whole hour, because he REFUSED to *ask* to be excused. He said it embarressed him. Yeah, he's in control. :(

My summary of the problems:

As stated in problem #1, we've tried to reason with Andrew, but it's so beyond that, it just needs to be taken away as it should have been years ago. I've read that the transition is sometimes made easier by allowing the child to choose a special stuffed toy (such as a "Build A Bear" bear), but he has a load of stuffed animals he already sleeps with - so that really isn't an incentive. We've tried activity rewards/incentives, but he would rather not do them, then agree to get rid of the pacee.

Honestly, we do not want to put him through the stress of having his pacees taken away if his mom will just give them back once he goes back home. If we could get buy-in from her, then we will just get rid of them and deal with the temporary screaming and crying for a few days.

Questions:

1. Have you ever experienced anything like this? If so, what did you do?
2. Do you think a mental health professional will help him work through this? Is he too young for that type of "intervention"?
3. Any advice on what we can/should do??
4. Does anyone agree with his mother that it's not a big deal?

Having shared this has made me feel a little better. I'm just filled with so much dread and I hate that. :(

[twinnyme]

I hate to even write this because I haven't dealt with this type of problem at all, nor do I know a thing about blended families. Your problem is very interesting (though I'm sure it's just a pain to you). My first instinct is to ask, is there something about living with his mother that Andrew needs comfort about?? Perhaps that is why he still uses the pacee (though I certainly think it's way beyond the stage when he should be). It sounds like his home environment with his mother may be very unstable (unless it's just this one thing) and if that's the case, maybe he kind of needs the pacee? I'm sure it must be extremely awkward with your family and friends when they see him using the pacee but is it at all possible to let him use it while he's here? While I agree with you that she should ABSOLUTELY be working with him on getting rid of it, that doesn't seem to be happening, and intervention on your part may not work because he'll go back to his mother's and just be doing the same thing again. But I don't know; I haven't tried to get a baby to give up a pacee yet (and DD doesn't take one - she never took to it, though I tried - so at least with this child I won't have to) so I don't know how long it takes. My sister has worked with her son to give it up and he gave it up within a couple of days - and seemed to forget completely about it - but he's 2. I'm sure an almost-7-year-old has a better memory! :)

Good luck - it sounds like a very challenging situation.

Oh, one other idea - while I also don't agree with this, I seem to recall that a few years back, pacee's were a trend with adolescents (pre-teen?). They tended to carry one on their keychain/backpack but I don't know if they used it.... Is this a trend where he lives?

[sublime311]

Hey Melissa, Thanks for responding - I totally appreciate that this is sort of an odd situation and many people might not have experience, but I guess I'm looking for comfort, too. So thank you for taking the time!

His mom isn't a monster by any means, but there are tons of red-flags. I don't know if I've been overly critical because she's DH's ex-wife or because her poor choices effect me when Andrew comes here. I love Andrew and want the best for him. I guess it's been hard because, although, I don't have my own kids, I know I would have a different parenting style. Anyway, some things that bother me about his mother's decisions:

1. She let's him have complete control over the TV. As soon as he walks into the room, the TV goes on. He watches TV at bed time until he falls asleep.

2. She provides a sugar laden diet. Nutrition is not taken into consideration.

3. She allows him to scream and yell until he gets his way.

4. She allows him to call her and other adults "liars".

5. She does not force him to take responsibility for his actions. He does not face ANY consequences for bad behavior.

6. She allows him to control pretty much an decision that involves him. For example, the last time he was here only one pair of ill-fitting shoes were packed because he "refused" to let her pack any others. :eek: Who's the adult here!?

To be fair, I think she has done a great job with:

1. Andrew is incredibly intelligent. She has done a wonderful job with his pre-school education and seems to really support his in-school learning now.

2. She is a full-time student and SAHW, so she has been able to be really available for both school activities and out of school activities. I think these weekend activities really enrich his education.

And that's about it.

I am incredibly embarressed by the pacee, but he already knows that he can not have the pacee accept bedtime while he's here. The pacees are left out where he can see them, but he knows he can't have them until bed time. And it's not just a matter of taken them out once he falls asleep, he actually sucks on it ALL NIGHT long.. I've checked. If he wakes up in the middle of the night and can't find ONE he freaks out and wakes us up to find it - even if it's not the one in his mouth!! Ay, ay, ay.. I'm at a loss.

This isn't at all about seeing older kids with them, this is just about his mother justifying the use and now he is SOOO emotionally attached that he does not have any other strategies for coping without it. And frankly, I don't think his mother has any other strategies for dealing with him when he has a tantrum - it's just easier for her to give him the pacee.

Anway, I've rambled a lot. Thanks again for taking the time to post, I appreciate it.

[SaphirimalMei]

Like Melissa, I'm afraid I don't have much input on the pacifier issue. However I wanted to offer my support too.

I don't agree with his mother. It IS a big deal and something must be done.

I don't think that "professional" help is out of line because there certainly may be underlying issues to the problem, but it depends on how well you think he may respond. It may unintentionally backfire since your SS is so strong-willed. I'd probably only use this course of action if you feel there really is no other solution.

The only advice I'd have to offer would be to cut a hole in the tip of the pacifiers. It would make them unsatisfying to suck on and he may be able to get rid of them himself. That's what my mom did to me...but I was only one at the time.

My step-daughters (12 & 8) are coming out to visit us in two weeks. I'm not fond of their mother at all and I totally question her parenting style. For instance: when my oldest SD was barely 10 years old her mother told her she was fat! Not only is my SD not fat but even if she was this comment is totally out of line! I was so mad! :mad: My point in mentioning this is that we seem to have similarities in our familial arrangements, so feel free to stop on by my journal! I'm sure we'd have plenty to chat/vent about when it comes to the Evil Exes! :)

[Renrel]

I wish I had a good idea to help. I agree that he needs to break the habit but I am not sure how you can do it with out buy in from either him or his mother. If they are both fighting it than it seems that if you force him in to a cold turkey withdrawal he is just going to start up in three weeks when he goes back to mama. It will be a whole lot of pain for no end result.

I would try and think of something that would motivate him to want to give it up. I realize you are all ready trying that but you have not yet hit on the thing he wants more than the comfort of the binki. When you do you will have something to negotiate with. It may be something you don't particularly want to give him, which makes it more valuable and exchange. It is a bit painful on both sides.

I really feel for the child. It certain sounds like he needs some way of getting comfort if he is still holding on to the binki at his age, regardless of embarrasment ect. Divorce can be tough on kids of course, and it sounds like there is remarrage on both sides which also is a big adjustment. He has gone though alot in his 7 years. And while he is doing great in school, which is great, he may also be feeling pressure to do well. First children often get sucking into a need to please their parents and other authority figures. If he is gifted or even very bright and in a regular class room he may also feel like the odd man out and that might also be added stress. I wish I could think of something less harmful that he could rely on at his age for comfort.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[happy1nuv]

No experence or anything... but hopefully you'll figure something out. I know you said he gets way too much sugar already, but can you maybe gve him something else to suck on during the day instead, like a lollipop or popsicle?

[emschwar]

ay ay ay! No advice, but wow. I can't believe he still has a paci! I'm amazed it hasn't interfered with his speech. I don't think it's a problem you can solve without getting his mother on board. Because if she lets him have it, it'll undo everything you've done.

(Honestly, my first thought was "Nanny 911" :) )

[shortcake]

My goodness! What a hard situation. I've never been in a situation like that, but I do think there must be a way you and DH can help Andrew!

It sounds to me like 1) yes he HAS been in a lot of turmoil the past few years, and the pacee and other things are a way to stay in "control" and 2) his mother probably feels a lot of guilt over what he's gone through and doesn't want to upset him. The thing is, she IS hurting him by keeping this up!

But it sounds like she IS a good mother at heart and does have his well-being in mind...which should help. She just won't say no to him.

Here's what I would do (of course knowing that I cannot put myself in your shoes!). First take him to the dentist again and get an offical note or report stating ALL the problems he currently has due to the pacifier, and the problems he will have if he continues to use it. Either send this to his mom now (to get her prepared), with a letter saying you will be weaning him of it and you expect/want/need her support, or give it to her when you drop him back off (or both - to make sure she gets it!).

Then take him to pick out a prize. When I was a kid and afraid of the dark, I got a baton (yes, a twirling baton, don't ask me why!) when I slept 3 nights alone in my room. Explain that you are picking a special prize for when he goes X days without a pacifier. It's ok if he already has a lot of stuffed animals and picks another, no biggie! I think if he picks out the prize it will mean even more to him.

Then, of course, you've got to figure out how to get rid of the pacee. I think cutting holes or making it taste yucky is a good idea, but he's so old it might not work. Just encouraging him and either stopping cold turkey or letting him control the process (if the prize is enticing enough) might be all you can do. I don't know!! This would be hard. But I DO think 3 weeks is plenty of time, as long as it doesn't get offered right back when he gets home.

[dana b]

i hope you don't take offense to this.
i don't really think there is much you can or even should do with this situation. i don't have stepchildren, but was a stepchild for most of my life and i know how complicated and nasty things can get.

i totally agree with you that he's too old for the paci, esp since it's causing damage to his teeth, but i think the only person who can wean him from it is his mother. you can try to wean him while he's with you, but it'll just be pointless if he's just going to get it back at home. i also think it may be traumatic for him to have it taken away while being at your home, somewhere he may not be completely comfortable and would need the extra security. i also think he would end up having negative feelings towards visiting you two in the future.

like someone else mentioned, i think the best thing is to get a report from the dentist and have your husband present it to her. you could also have your husband call his pediatrician at home and discuss it with him/her. i think you're involvement in this should be limited, if his ex is sensing that a lot of this is coming from you, it may become a power struggle and she'll let him have it just to show you who's boss.

since your dh only sees his child 3 times a year, i would focus more on having fun and letting him bond with his father, then trying to break him of his bad habits and teaching him rules. i really don't mean to upset you, but your stepson should feel comfortable and happy to come see his dad. when he's old enough to have a say, he may not even want to come visit anymore. these types of situations often lead to terrible relationships with fathers later on in life.