So if it someones 2nd or 3rd wedding.... [Archive]

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chloechloe

11-20-2006, 10:39 AM

If both people (bride and groom) have been married twice before and this is their third wedding, is it okay to spend less on a gift? If so, how much?

lml41981

11-20-2006, 10:46 AM

Are they doing a registry?

I'd probably just give then a $25 gift certificate to Chili's or somewhere similar for a date night.

Walton

11-20-2006, 10:46 AM

I don't know - I usually base the amount of money I spend on a wedding gift on how close we are to the couple. When one of my friends got remarried I spent the same amount on her as I did the first time.

jen

11-20-2006, 10:57 AM

Yes, it is okay to spend less.

I would spend whatever you are comfortable spending... give them something thoughtful and from the heart and it'll be perfect, no matter how much it cost!

Sophia

11-20-2006, 10:57 AM

I never base my gift budget on the couple's separate or collective relationship history.

tenofcups

11-20-2006, 11:00 AM

Dh and I have both been married before. This wedding was extremely small, just immediate family, but several people who were not invited also gave us gifts. Most gifts were significantly smaller than what I received for my first wedding (I don't know about what he received for his first). I thought that made perfect sense and I was thankful to those who did give gifts but totally didn't hold it against anyone who didn't give a gift.

When I give a gift to someone who's been married before, I basically factor in whether or not I've given them other wedding gifts. If it's the first time I've been a part of their wedding, I tend to give a gift like any other; if I've already given a gift for a previous wedding, the second is smaller. There is one exception -- one of my best friends got remarried after a bad first marriage and I was so thrilled that she was finally happy I gave her as large a gift as the first time.

KGif

11-20-2006, 11:03 AM

I never base my gift budget on the couple's separate or collective relationship history.

I agree. You are giving them a gift to celebrate their union. Their relationship history should have no bearing on this celebration.

I'd base the $$ amount of my gift on how well I know the people in question.

maxandmolly

11-20-2006, 11:09 AM

I never base my gift budget on the couple's separate or collective relationship history.

Which is fine, in theory.
But I had a co-worker, in her mid 50s, married twice before, marrying her boyfriend of almost 20 years, who had been married 3 times before-who had the nerveto register for gifts as though it was a first wedding! I'm sorry, but that was just ridiculous-registering for linens and towels and wine glasses and china at that point in life? Uh, no. So, a few of us went in on a gift together-and got her the cheapest thing on her registry, a couple $20 pillows.

DiscoDiva

11-20-2006, 11:20 AM

I give the same amount regardless of which number wedding is taking place. And, being the eternal optimist that I am, I'd hope that they both finally found the right person and that this marriage will be their last.

usafwife

11-20-2006, 11:27 AM

I base how much I spend on how close we are to the person/people. When DH's stepmom got remarried earlier this year they specifically requested no gifts. They just wanted everyone to come to the reception (the wedding ceremony was just for immediate family) and have a good time/enjoy themselves.

mamax2

11-20-2006, 11:49 AM

When I give a gift to someone who's been married before, I basically factor in whether or not I've given them other wedding gifts. If it's the first time I've been a part of their wedding, I tend to give a gift like any other; if I've already given a gift for a previous wedding, the second is smaller. There is one exception -- one of my best friends got remarried after a bad first marriage and I was so thrilled that she was finally happy I gave her as large a gift as the first time.

Exactly. I do take issue with a couple who's been through several relationships, has already accumulated all the traditional stuff and now just wants to ask for more. I had the same thing happen with a dear friend re-marrying and while I was thrilled for her and bought her the $100+ rolling pin she asked for, I did look at her registry and think it looked much like the one 4 years ago, only this time it was higher-end.

bluberry

11-20-2006, 12:31 PM

If I'm ever at a loss for what to get people, I try to shoot for spending roughly how much I think it's going to cost to feed me at the wedding, etc. If that's out of my budget, then I'd limit the gift spending to what I can afford.

...who had the nerve to register for gifts as though it was a first wedding! I'm sorry, but that was just ridiculous-registering for linens and towels and wine glasses and china at that point in life? Uh, no.

The point is that a couple should register for whatever it is that they WANT. But frankly, I'm put off by your running social commentary. It really is none of your business what point in her life she's at. Also, I didn't realize towels/linens can only be purchased at a certain point in one's life.

Kanga

11-20-2006, 12:47 PM

Dh and I guage it on how close we are to the couple. One of his good friends just got married a month ago and her husband was also previously married. They had also been living in the same house they had been for a few years. They did register (only at the request of other people), but we ended up getting them a gift card to their favorite local restaurant. It seemed liked they just registered because everyone else wanted them too, and not for stuff they really wanted/needed.

Txfish

11-20-2006, 12:54 PM

Eh, I'm with you, maxandmolly.

Sorry, but I *do* think it's a little ridiculous to go registering for china and so on when you're well established in your home -- especially when you've done so with each of your prior marriages and are combining two fully stocked adult households.

I will never attend a wedding and not bring a gift, but it will be whatever I feel is appropriate to the couple in question and their stage in life -- I'm certainly not going to spend my money buying someone their THIRD set of china. Whatever someone wants to do is their choice. I just think it's a matter of taste.

Heidi9771

11-20-2006, 02:21 PM

looch

11-20-2006, 03:01 PM

I find myself nodding to all posts in here, I can't make up my mind!

For example, my cousin recently got remarried. He had the traditional wedding the first time around, only they didn't register for china. Fast forward 12 years, he's getting married again, to a woman that has kids in their 20's. There's a registry and there's china on it.

It's one of those things that I give cash for, $200 from me and DH and call it a night. I wouldn't give anything less than $100 per person, regardless of how many marriages the bride and groom have been through.

HeatherFL

11-20-2006, 03:04 PM

I don't think it's any of my business if the bride and groom decide to register for gifts. Their wedding, their prerogative. I never base gift-giving on which marriage the couple is entering into. I base it on how well I know them and what their personal tastes are.

I am divorced and if I ever remarry while I wouldn't register for gifts again, I certainly wouldn't think that it qualifies people to spend less on gifts/charitable contributions because my 2nd wedding is somehow not as significant as the first. I know this may come out wrong, but "Sorry but this is your 2nd wedding, so here's your $25 gift certificate to a chain restaurant," doesn't seem very thoughtful to me (Unless they love that restaurant.)

(ETA: I know it wouldn't be presented that way, but reading the situation I would perceive it as such.)

~H.

salysaturn

11-20-2006, 03:10 PM

We base it on how close we are to the couple.

We usually give money anyway.

looch

11-20-2006, 03:13 PM

HeatherFL

11-20-2006, 03:15 PM

We usually give money anyway.
Ditto.

looch Good point!

~H.

laura

11-20-2006, 03:28 PM

It's wholly situational for me, so I don't have a 'general' answer to this question. It's a combination of much of what has already been said.

On the china issue - FWIW, I would probably consider a subsequent marriage as a "new beginning" to my life, so if I were a person who used china (we have some, but I'm not), it makes sense to me to register for new since the old china was given as a gift for the previous marriage and could be tangled up in memories/issues or frankly have gone to the other spouse in the divorce. Who am I to say what one person *needs* or that what they want is wrong? I actually think new china makes more sense than, say, a new toaster.

HeatherFL

11-20-2006, 03:29 PM

LOL and the China could be broken a la a War of the Roses encounter. ;)

greenbunny

11-20-2006, 03:47 PM

I would give less depending on the situation. Obviously there are women here who have had multiple marriages, so let me give an example:

I gave less for a second wedding we went to over a year ago. The bride and groom showed up late to the ceremony because they were drunk. The wedding was IN a bar. The bride's toddlers were given mixed drinks. The bride and maid of honor rolled around on the sidewalk together, laughing and hiccuping and making out with each other (!). The groom jumped on the bar and dropped his pants.

I would NOT give less to a friend who had a marriage fail and was marrying again with all hopes to have now found her match.

I am quite glad I gave less to the first wedding, which lasted less time than my last haircut.

trestlegirl

11-20-2006, 03:57 PM

I also make my wedding-spending decisions based on how close I am to the couple, not which # of weddings it is.

I do agree that it's ok to spend less on a second or third wedding if you want, but I don't think it's that weird to register for "traditional" gifts the second time around. I buy new towels and sheets every couple of years, so I wouldn't think it odd that someone who had been married before needed some new linens. Are they supposed to keep their first wedding towels for their entire life? If I had the space, I'd happily throw dinner parties for 40 or 50 people, so I guess I don't think it's odd to ask for more china, either.

And hey, just because they ask for it, doesn't mean you have to give it.

HeatherFL

11-20-2006, 04:10 PM

The bride's toddlers were given mixed drinks. :eek:

~H.

ysolde

11-20-2006, 04:33 PM

I am an old-fashioned (and older, let's face it) lady, and I generally don't believe in giving traditional wedding gifts for second (or third) weddings. I think cash is fine, a gift certificate to a couple's massage or a favorite restaurant is an inspired idea, and, frankly, nothing at all is perfectly acceptable, particularly for a couple that has been cohabitating for a long time, and clearly does not need the basics to set up a home together.

I keep thinking of a friend of my mother's who has been married four times. My mother has been to, I think, three of her four weddings. At the most recent one (a small brunch for family and closest friends only), my mother wished her every happiness, and told her that she sincerely hoped that this would be her last wedding, not because she thought it was wrong of her to have been divorced so many times, but because she really wants her to be happy. Anyway, I don't know that my parents brought a gift to this latest wedding. If they did, it was small, and they never mentioned it to me. Kind of silly to buy a wedding gift for a couple that has six marriages between the two of them, are well into their fifties, and had been together, by the time they got married, for over three years.

kiki61872

11-20-2006, 04:39 PM

Toonces

11-20-2006, 04:59 PM

DH & I were both married before and weren't even going to have a registry; however, I read that it's proper etiquette to at least register for some things b/c even if you request "no gifts", there are ppl who will want to buy something and who do not feel comfortable giving money. So we registered for things we didn't already have (nothing "traditional" like China) and we registered for varying price ranges.

We buy registry items for showers and give money for weddings (this is typically how it's done in our area). We base the amount of both on how well we know the couple, regardless of how many times they've been married.

DiscoDiva

11-20-2006, 06:26 PM

What if it's the 1st wedding for one person and the 3rd for another? Then what do you do if you gauge the gift by the the marriage number?

villanelle75

11-20-2006, 06:41 PM

A part of me thinks it shouldn't matter, but another part of me thinks it very much does. I believe in soem of the more traditional aspects of weddigns and for my personal tastes, even a couple who has lived together long term who gets married in a traditional, "big event' type wedding is a little off. I wouldn't condemn someone who does so, but it wouldn't be comfortbale for me. Likewise with a lavish wedding when it isn't your first.

Since I view wedding presents as primarily gifts to help the couple start their household, I probably am inclined to get a slightly less generous gift for people wth well-established households already. Though when deciding what to spend the most important issues are what I cnafford and how well I know them, need is something I vaguely and almsot sub-consciously take into account. If I was lookign to spend, say $100, and I knew the couple didn't have a lot of money, I might pick the $110 item, whereas for wealthier friends, I might steer towards the $95 one wihtout ever really articulating for myself that that was the reason.

I'm not totally comfortbalewith the idea of a lavish wedding for people who are on their third wedding and as such, I'm not totally comfortbale with giving a lavish gift. I wouldn't ever go so cheap as to be obnoxious but I woudl likely downgrade a bit, particularly if it is someone for whom I've already purchased a prior wedding gift. And I think the circumstances (whether it is a first wedding for one of them, the circumstances of their prior marriages, etc.) make a difference as well.

HeatherFL

11-20-2006, 06:45 PM

DD You bring up a good point. I had the "big" wedding the first time around and SO has never been married. So are we forced (exaggerating a bit here) to do a "barefoot on the beach" if we ever got married because it would be my 2nd wedding? Personally, I'd just want people to donate to a charity I support because we don't need anything, but apparently you can't tell people that. What if it's the first for one partner and not for the other?

looch

11-20-2006, 06:47 PM

Since I view wedding presents as primarily gifts to help the couple start their household, I probably am inclined to get a slightly less generous gift for people wth well-established households already.

I would feel really hurt if I was getting married now and you were coming to my wedding. All things aside, let's say we were very good friends and I was living with my soon to be DH and we had been together over 5 years. We have another friend in common who is marrying her soon to be DH whom she has known for 6 months and they don't live together. To equalize it all, let's say we were all roommates in college.

Do we get the same gift? Just trying to understand your comment above.

DansGirl

11-20-2006, 06:58 PM

thedoorchick

11-20-2006, 07:10 PM

villanelle75

11-20-2006, 07:15 PM

I would feel really hurt if I was getting married now and you were coming to my wedding. All things aside, let's say we were very good friends and I was living with my soon to be DH and we had been together over 5 years. We have another friend in common who is marrying her soon to be DH whom she has known for 6 months and they don't live together. To equalize it all, let's say we were all roommates in college.

Do we get the same gift? Just trying to understand your comment above.

My frist thought was that it seems unlikely you'd actually get hurt ebcause I doubt that you and our other roommate would compare gifts so even if there was a slight difference in value, you'd never know. And since I'm not talking about the livign together or third marriage couple getting two bath sheets and the first timers getting 6 place settings of china, even if you did compare, it would still look about equal so unless you checked receipts to make sure I did spend exactly the same and learned that she got $7.84 more gift, you would never knwo the difference anyway.

But that issue aside, it would depend. Has she been living on her own (and would therefor have much fo her household needs already)? What is her financial situation like compared to yours, as best I can tell from the outside? What kinds of weddings are you both throwing (lavish affair vs. backyard BBQ)? And if you were qually close to me and your weddings were close together, chances are I would still spend about the same because i'd remeber what I spent on one of you and decide that was about righ tfor someone I was equally close to.

I don't want to make it sound like I have some fancy equation. Generally I give what I can afford because I want to be generous to a friend. But I'd be lying if I said that other factors probably don't seep into the decision process when I'm looking at the $225 thingamabob vs. the $195 whatsit.

kalogrias

11-20-2006, 07:17 PM

For me, it doesn't matter what # wedding it is. As so many pp have stated, it's how close to the person I am. I find it a lot more tasteless to register (for a first marriage) for a $1500 flat screen TV (please take into consideration that not many people in our friend group can even begin to think about affording that!) that is waaaay out of budget for most people than it is to ask for new bedding (for a second+).

maryanne

11-20-2006, 07:20 PM

gave less for a second wedding we went to over a year ago. The bride and groom showed up late to the ceremony because they were drunk. The wedding was IN a bar. The bride's toddlers were given mixed drinks. The bride and maid of honor rolled around on the sidewalk together, laughing and hiccuping and making out with each other (!). The groom jumped on the bar and dropped his pants.

actually, I think I would PAY to go to this wedding. It sounds entertaining!

(minus the toddlers' incident)

lml41981

11-20-2006, 07:21 PM

If you would give a gift cert to a chain restaurant for the first wedding, then the same (of any value) is acceptable for the second wedding, IMO.

If, however, you give a $500 crystal vase (or something of similar value) at the first wedding, the $25 gift cert will be percieved as HeatherFL write.

I buy off registries for first (and hopefully only!) weddings. Our limit is generally $75 for a really close friend or family member. I would never give anyone a $500 crystal vase or anything of similar value.

Back in 2005, we were invited to a wedding of one of DH's coworkers. I was unaware at the time, but it was his third wedding and her second (the groom was the former coworker). We gave a $50 gift certificate to LNT. The marriage broke up less than six months later (never got that $50 back...and the reception was not worth a $50 gift if you go by the idea that your gift should cover the cost of your plate. They served shrimp cocktail, veggie platters, tortilla rolls, cake and punch. We had to go eat dinner after we left because they didn't even purchase enough food for everyone...and this was a Friday evening wedding during mealtime) and the groom has since married and divorced yet again and is engaged yet again. Fortunately, we weren't invited to the fourth wedding and probably won't be invited to the fifth. We would certainly not go if we were. At what point do you say, "Look, he's either getting married for the gifts, he is a horrible husband or he cannot pick a good match. I'm not going to continue giving him money just because he says, 'No really...it is real this time.'"

Sorry, but for a third wedding, I'm not going to give anything more than a token gift. Between themselves, they ought to have all they need for their home. The OP asked and I answered honestly.

jesvet

11-20-2006, 07:39 PM

To be frank, I always find it in bad taste when the bride/groom go into their second (or third, etc) marriage, and register for a "traditional" wedding registry yet again. I am especially annoyed at this when I happened to be a guest at the last two weddings.

We knew a couple who were on their second marriage. We had been to both of their first weddings about 3 years prior and done the whole shower/bachelor parties/wedding gifts for both of them at that time. This time around they registered again, had more showers and bachelor parties and whatnot, AND had a destination wedding across the country, AND had a reception here in town, all of which we were expected to attend.

It was annoying. If more time had lapsed, or even if I liked them better, I would have been more happy to participate. Though to be honest, the biggest factor is probably that last one- I don't really like them.

JBB

11-21-2006, 03:48 AM

I am finding this thread very interesting. Honestly DH and I believe that if someone is getting married and inviting us to participate by witnessing the marriage and then a party we give a gift. The amount we spend is dependent on how close we are to the couple.
For example-DH's aunt remarried. Her first husband died. She actually didn't register. They were moving into a new home so we bought a Mezzuzah (this is a Jewish item that one puts on the doorway of their home and/or the doorways of rooms in their home).
Basically, I think you can't have a specific rule about what you would do in terms of buying a gift.

sabine_11

11-21-2006, 04:20 AM

I would like to share my perspective on this issue. I hope to not upset people, but I need to vent on this issue. I am a single woman in my 30s. I have attended countless weddings in the past 10 years and have been in the wedding party in about 10 of them. As you all know, the cost of being in a wedding grows every day. I would say all told, each wedding cost me around $1500 for the joy of participating. One such wedding was a 2nd wedding that ended up being a destination wedding in the Bahamas in December. As a single person, I give about 200/wedding gift and about 60-75/shower gift.

From my perspective, the whole gift giving thing to me is so one sided that I get sensitive to it. How many presents am I expected to by one friend? Bridal showers, Wedding Presents, Baby Showers, Baby Birthday Presents, and then to start a round 2 of the whole process is overwhelming.

So, I would have to say, that a second wedding would undoubtedly get a present that was lesser in monetary value. I don't want to sound cold as I treasure my friends and enjoy celebrating the joys in their lives. For most, I would still give a heartfelt gift (somewhere around $100 or so if forced to put a monetary value on the gift) and card, wishing them well in their new lives. For those closest friends, I would probably go with the original amount.

looch

11-21-2006, 04:36 AM

I think everyone's responses are skewed by personal experiences and that's okay, most of our decisions are anyway.

At the end of the day, though, these threads shed light on the fact that there are different local customs, socioeconomic factors, etc. and that's something that must also be taken into account. In my circle, cash is for the wedding, the registry is for the shower. The showers are large parties, and for the most part, filled with older people that have the means to buy place settings of silver and china. The MIL and Mother of the Bride fill in what doesn't get purchased, which is usually the vaccum cleaner and other large items. By the time the wedding rolls around, there isn't anything left to buy, so it's cash at the wedding. Regardless of venue, the going rate is $100 per person at least.

At the end of the day, regardless of whatever scenario I can make up, you buy what you afford. No one expects you to cover your plate, people just want you to have a good time. In reality, it doesn't matter to me what people get or give, it's just silly to try and make a blanket statement about what you will and won't do when a second or third wedding rolls around, no offense lml and villanelle.

looch

11-21-2006, 04:40 AM

I buy off registries for first (and hopefully only!) weddings. Our limit is generally $75 for a really close friend or family member. I would never give anyone a $500 crystal vase or anything of similar value.

Agreed. If you (general) spend $75 for the first and $25 for the second, I wouldn't think it's weird at all. But, if you did spend $500 for the first wedding then gave me a $25 Chili's cert, I would think something was up and you were making some sort of commentary on my life and choices.

AmyE

11-21-2006, 05:23 AM

I totally agree with sabine_11, especially when round 2 is only a couple of years after round 1. People make mistakes, marriages don't work out etc, and I'm delighted friends have found happiness the second time around. But going through the entire bachelorette/showers/lavish registry wedding 2-4 years after the first one strikes me as a gift grab. The second wedding should be celebrated and honored, of course - but does it have to be with a series of gift parties? Why not cocktails IHO the new couple, or brunches with friends?

greenbunny

11-21-2006, 05:36 AM

Not only would I give less in this situation, but I'd get up and walk out! :rolleyes: :p

We heard about this after the fact, from the groom's brother. I choose to believe they just confused Shirley Temples with the red mixed drinks the bridesmaids were having, because the thought of it being intentional is too disturbing!

Sin Nombre

11-21-2006, 06:10 AM

Just curious - what if you're a first-time attendee at a bride's (or groom's) second or third wedding? If their previous marriages occurred before you met them, does that impact the gift-giving thought process?

Personally, I base my gifts on my closeness to the couple and my financial ability at the time of the event, but I'm curious to see how others do.

KGif

11-21-2006, 06:16 AM

When it comes down to it I don't think you really CAN say point blank:
2nd weddings deserve $x amount in presents
3rd weddings deserve $y amount
4th wedings deserve nothing...
etc.

It's all situational. Depends on the people. Your relationship with them. Their relationship with each other, etc.

As far as registries go I think they are usually appreciated by most regardless of what # wedding you are on. Bottom line is that there are people that are going to want to give you gifts. If those people are like me they'd prefer to get you something they know you want/need.

We gave a $50 gift certificate to LNT. The marriage broke up less than six months later (never got that $50 back...and the reception was not worth a $50 gift if you go by the idea that your gift should cover the cost of your plate. They served shrimp cocktail, veggie platters, tortilla rolls, cake and punch. We had to go eat dinner after we left because they didn't even purchase enough food for everyone...and this was a Friday evening wedding during mealtime) and the groom has since married and divorced yet again and is engaged yet again.

I understand the frustration here ... especially since you didn't know the guy that well. When I give presents I try to always give because I want to ... not because I feel I need to. I would never give a gift (for any occasion) with the thought in mind that I should get that gift back if x, y, or z happens. I also never give a gift with an expectation that I am going to get something of near equal value in exchange. On that same note I don't think anyone should *expect* a gift EVER. If you were to show up to that wedding with nothing but a card of congrats and a smile on your face I don't think anyone should have even batted an eye. It should about celebrating a union and joyus occasion with friends and family - not about how many gifts one can receive.

And as far as this:

I gave less for a second wedding we went to over a year ago. The bride and groom showed up late to the ceremony because they were drunk. The wedding was IN a bar. The bride's toddlers were given mixed drinks. The bride and maid of honor rolled around on the sidewalk together, laughing and hiccuping and making out with each other (!). The groom jumped on the bar and dropped his pants.

:eek:
Not only would I have left that wedding (had I even have agreed to go in the first place) but I would have called 911 on my way out to report the people who were giving the toddlers mixed drinks to the authorities. That is beyond disgusting.

Edited to add ..

We heard about this after the fact, from the groom's brother. I choose to believe they just confused Shirley Temples with the red mixed drinks the bridesmaids were having, because the thought of it being intentional is too disturbing!

I'm going to chose to believe that as well! And I feel sorry that you even had to be exposed to such a thing! Sounds like and episode of Jerry Springer!

jajacobsen

11-21-2006, 06:29 AM

I think you can't win sometimes!

I was a second time bride last May (2005) with my first wedding in 1988. This was my husband's first wedding. However, we both were older (39 and 40) and both had houses and belongings. We clearly didn't need anything. In fact, we had quite the opposite problem - too much stuff!

Having been single myself from 1993 through to 2005, and having gone through the rounds of shower gifts, wedding gifts, house warming gifts, baby gifts, etc... with many of my friends (and starting to feel a little aggrieved about it), I was very sensitive to the gift thing. I politely refused to let anyone honor me with a shower and had a very low key "hen night" which was just wine and dinner out with my friends. Some friends did throw an engagement party in our honor, and a few people did bring gifts to both the hen night and the engagement party, although they clearly were not expected. Honestly, I think my girlfriends were so excited for me that I finally had met a great guy after all of those years of dating agony that they really wanted to do something and give. Literally, I had to turn down requests for showers from friends.

Because my family is strict Catholic (parents don't live together anymore but will never divorce, for example), I planned the wedding to be small and had no issues from them with respect to gift-type parties. However, this was my husband's first wedding, and he was the eldest son and namesake and his family REALLY wanted a celebration and to give gifts. My sister, who had not registered fr her wedding (because she had co-abitated with her spouse for 6 years prior to marriage, and thus had already set up house and didn't expect gifts) wisely advisd me to register or else I would receive a huge variety of odd items, all very nice, but not really cohesive.

So we registered. We did register for China to complete our incomplete services (because, unbelievably, my ex had insisted on half of everything - yep including the china), but our list was not extreme. We regsitered at Target and Macy's, providing a nice range in price. We did register for sheets, etc., becuase we had scrimped on things like that for the past year or two to pay for our wedding (yep, we paid 100% of it), and my family bought those for us. His family mostly bought china and appliances or gave cash for the wedding. Really, the only people who were "doubled" on gifts (from my first wedding) were my family, as almost all of our friendships were formed after my first wedding.

So yes, we ended up with a very nice Cuisineart coffeemaker, toaster, and blender. Did we have older version sof these appliances before? yes. Do I feel guilty about having nice gfancy ones? No. Did I expect gifts? I did expect that people would send us some sort of token, but I really didn't care what it was. It was up to them. I did tell my flower girl's mothers that I would consider the cost of girls' dresses as my wedding present. One bought me china anyway, and one didn't buy anything - and that was fine with me. Having been a bridesmaid (and all that entails) multiple times, I was very sensitive to the cost factor. I did not have bridesmaids.

I think that with second or third (or more) weddings it is all about the way that you approach it. I don't think there is anything wrong with a registry, as a guide for those who do wish to buy presents. But I also think that it is appropriate to consider the stage in life where someone is when giving a gift.

Is is fair that I will have spent more collectively on bridesmaid attire/shower/wedding/housewar ming and baby gifts to my friends than they gave to me? I don't think that matters as these sort of things aren't an equation where both sides have to remain equal. I give appropriately to the situation.

However, I don't have a stict rule on what I give to any couple, be it first or fifth wedding. A first wedding where both parties are just starting out and leaving their parents' homes. I would give generously, and try to think about what they needed, possibly just giving cash if I thought that was what they really needed most. An older couple, first marriage, but already established in careers, I might give soemthing less practical but luxurious, because I know they already have the practical stuff.

I would give differently to a second or third wedding. Dependent upon the circumstances, I might give very generously. Yes, a household may already be established but the couple may have several children, some approaching college age. Or they may be buying a home together. Some of our best gifts were Home Depot gift cards.

I recently knew an older couple who married very quietly. It was her third wedding and his second. Her first marriage ended early in divorce but her second lasted a long time and she was widowed, as was he. They didn't expexct any gifts but DH and I wanted to give them something as it made us VERY happy to do so.

Other times I may give very little. In response to soem of the wedding anecdotes described previously in this thread, I doubt I would have attended the weddings, or if I did, given a token amount of cash, or in cases of thrid or fourth marriages, nothing at all.

villanelle75

11-21-2006, 08:29 AM

At the end of the day, regardless of whatever scenario I can make up, you buy what you afford. No one expects you to cover your plate, people just want you to have a good time. In reality, it doesn't matter to me what people get or give, it's just silly to try and make a blanket statement about what you will and won't do when a second or third wedding rolls around, no offense lml and villanelle.

None taken because, as I said, I don't have a formula that I use to calculate gifts and I thought i had made it clear I that I want' making a blanket statement about what I'd do. Number of prior weddings, if I attended a prior one, is they really need help setting up a house, and countless other factors probably do seep into my mind when I'm deciding which gift near my target number to pick on the registry. That's far from a blanket statement, so I agree with you that it is nearly impossible (for me, at least) to make a sweeping statement about what you would do. There are just too many factors involved.

daisysue62

11-21-2006, 08:33 AM

Dh and I are in our mid 20's and so far have not been invited to a friend's second marriage. I have a feeling that when that happens (I'm sure it will eventually, such is life) we'll base our gift giving as we do now on how well we know the couple and what we can afford. I probably wouldn't get the same kind of items as a gift either. For example, we may give a bunch of basic kitchen utensils to a couple setting up their first home but give a couple with an established home (first marriage or not) a pretty vase. The difference is just because when Dh and I got married both of us came from our parent's houses and had nothing. We NEEDED dishpans, canisters, and drinking glasses far more then we needed vases.

Txfish

11-21-2006, 08:56 AM

isaacsmommy

11-21-2006, 09:39 AM

I have not been faced with this type of situation yet, but I think it would be more based on how close I am/ how much I can afford more than the # of the marriage. However, if I really felt that the couple was getting married *just* to get married or something like that I think I would give less or maybe even choose not to attend.

I will give another scenario though. When I got married dh and I were living at my IL's and had never lived on our own before. We didn't register because we had no where to put anything. People gave us cash, gc's, or keepsake type gifts. Now I hope I never am in the situation of getting remarried, but if I did and I registered I would consider putting china on the registry since (well at least as of now) I don't have any.

laura

11-21-2006, 10:46 AM

The MIL and Mother of the Bride fill in what doesn't get purchased,

I wish! ;)

eponymous

11-21-2006, 11:40 AM

Just curious - what if you're a first-time attendee at a bride's (or groom's) second or third wedding? If their previous marriages occurred before you met them, does that impact the gift-giving thought process?

I agree that it's very situation: I recentkly attended the traditional wedding of a 26 year old friend (first wedding) who was marrying a man who had divorced four years ago after ten years of marriage when his wife walked out on him and their children. We gave generously. Now, when my uncle marries for the fourth time in ten years, I don't intend to give a large gift. :)

jajacobsen

11-21-2006, 12:49 PM

jajacobsen, I think you had exactly the right attitude and in my opinion you handled the whole thing with incredible taste.

That's all I was saying, is that there are some appropriate gift expectations for subsequent weddings. I just don't like to see people going for the whole "gift grab" as someone described it every time they go and get married.

Thank you! I really did try. I seemed between a rock and a hard place in turning down offers for showers, etc and worrying that I might offend someone by doing that but also worried that other people might perceive me as gift grabby, etc... If any of our guests were bothered that we registered, and registered for china....oh well. You know what they say about not pleasing all of the people all of the time.

akacharlotte

11-22-2006, 08:41 AM

jajacobsen-I'm sort of in the same position. This will be the 2nd marriage for my FH and I. We both lost a lot of household stuff in our respective divorces. I still do not have all of my belongings from my ex-boyfriend. It is in a storage unit his father rents. I would like all of those household items back but it does not appear I will ever obtain them. Trying to track down his father is difficult. The last time we made arrangements it fell through due to our respective work schedules.

Anyway, I'm not sure if we should register this time around or not. We maintain the bare minimum as far as the kitchen goes and obviously it is working for us so I really do not need anything and if I do I will purchase it myself. Then again if our friends and family do decide to purchase gifts for us I don't want stuff that sits on shelves unused.

It is a tough decision.

I am also not keen on the idea of having a shower. I would not mind a small get together with my friends for a pseudo bachelorette party but I don't want a big to-do.

jajacobsen

11-22-2006, 08:58 AM

akacharlotte - I would register, because people can choose to buy off the registry or not, and some people really like the guidance. I would just politely forgo any showers or elaborate bachelorette parties, maybe suggesting getting together for a luncheon or dinner out instead. By doing this, YOU send teh signal that you want to celebrate, but are not looking to load up on gifts. But, if people do want to give you gifts, they might as well be useful to you.