My Divorced Parents are Driving Me CRAZY.

[Aletheia]

Hi all-
I was wondering who, if any, among our number is in my shoes. My parents got divorced-- way, way divorced-- when I was 10 years old. Yes, that was a long time ago! I'm 28 now. But while my dad remarried the woman he had been having an affair with, and now has two small children, my mom never moved on romantically. She is still single, and hasn't had a boyfriend in 7 or so years.

That's her choice, of course- that isn't what this message is about. But some issues are becoming clear to me as she (and I) get older, and so I'm wondering generally whether anyone has a single parent they are also concerned about. When there isn't another parent to take care of the one you are worried about, no other parent to bounce ideas off and be the one that helps the first parent out, those responsibilities fall on the children, I think, and that can be really confusing and hard to deal with.

So...as to my specific situation, I'm not sure what help anyone can give, but I need to try to figure out what exactly I'm worried about.

My mom seems to be getting more eccentric as she gets older- the sort of strong and hard-to-take parts of her personality have gotten even stronger over the last few years, especially since her mom died just over a year ago. She is the oldest of 7 kids, and has stepped in to take care of my grandfather while trying to call the shots on how her siblings help do the same. She is very bossy, or comes across that way, but I think people tend to forget that she has been a middle school teacher for the past 30 years (you have to be bossy!) and that her bossiness is just an expression of how much she needs to be needed. She doesn't have a husband, and hasn't had a boyfriend for years-- it can be hard as a single person with few close friends and no significant other to assure yourself that you are important to other people, that your life is worthwhile. I think she sees her defining niche as the new matriarch in the family, but she is driving my aunts and uncles and at times, my ever-patient grandfather crazy (from what I can tell.) She is an extremely hard worker, and tends to be consumed by what she has identified as her responsibilities, so she comes on really strong.

I'm far away- two time zones, in fact-- and don't see what goes on everyday. But when she visits, she drives me absolutely bananas, and my sister says the same thing. So I can commisserate with my extended family.

I don't know how much it is fitting for me to speak to her about perhaps adjusting her commanding position in the the family-- both my sister and I have nagged and had serious attempts at conversation trying to get her to be less overbearing, but not only have those failed to make a difference, I think she may be more overbearing now than ever before! But I'm not at home hardly at all (haven't been since last Thanksgiving), and hear only bits and pieces about recent interactions between her and my grandfather and aunts and uncles. Plus, isn't it ironic for me to be talking to her about her overreaching what her business is? How can I suggest that she shouldn't tell her siblings what to do when in so doing I'm telling her what to do??

Besides that, I'm not sure that talking to her about that is going to be all that helpful- I suspect that the larger problem is somehow a lingering sense of inadequacy and a lack of self-esteem from being so brutally and disgustingly treated by my father, even if it was so long ago. I sort of feel like she needs some acknowledgment from me (where I get this, I don't know) that she has every right even now to feel really wounded by his actions. But to what end? How will that help her move on?

Ugh. I don't know if any of this makes much sense, but putting things in type does help to some extent. Thanks in advance if you have any advice, or can help me at least re-phrase what the problem is here. :o

Some other time I'll write for help with my dad, who promises to be in better touch and then falls off the planet for months at a time. I haven't heard from him since my wedding last August. Bastard.

And on that cheery note, on with my own life!

[apoppy]

Although my parents are not divorced, I can sympathize on the overbearing, bossy mother part.

My mom has a similar temperament, although she has lots of her own special neuroses. She is the middle child in a family of six siblings, and they all have a lot of problems getting along together. When my grandmother was dying of Alzheimer's, we took her in for awhile. This was a horrible, sad situation for many reasons, which I won't get into here, but my grandmother's illness brought a lot of things to a head in our family. There were many arguments as people tried to work out their grief and confusion. My aunts and some of my older cousins were constantly fighting about my grandmother's care and who got to make decisions for her.

One thing that I realized at the time, and this sounds really dumb, is that my mom had a relationship with my aunts and uncles that I knew nothing about. Their reactions in the present were based upon things that happened in the distant past (childhood grudges seem to run deep among these people). They are in their 50s and 60s, but they are still working through issues of favoritism and control that developed when they were children.

I think I understand your concern for your mom, and your need to tell her to back off, so to speak. Or at least I understand the impulse to do so because I have certainly wanted to do this myself. I wonder if you have ever thought about why you want to do this. I mean, how does her behavior with the rest of the family have anything to do with you (I'm sure it does in a million ways, I am just asking). For me personally, I hate the arguments my mom gets into with her siblings because ultimately they just make her sad. I know that she is just looking for their approval and love, she just doesn't know how to ask for it.

One thing that has helped me is to encourage her to talk, when she is calm, about her own feelings---this is how I learned that she felt like her sisters ignored her (ah! this explains a lot of the yelling!). It is very important when I do this to also remain calm myself and to try and not take sides, to try and remove myself from the situation as though she is someone outside of my family (saying things like "so, why do you think aunt sally did that?" instead of "oh my god, I can't believe you started crying when you thought aunt sally looked at you funny. Get over yourself" which would be my first reaction). Then, after a lot of talking, I usually try to encourage her to talk to her siblings about her feelings. This never happens, but it lets me think that I have done everything that I can in the situation: I listened to my mom, whom I love; I didn't take sides, although I wanted to; and I made a suggestion about how to make things better.

I don't think you can change your mom's behavior any more than you can change a friend's behavior when you don't agree with something that they are doing. All you can do is to try an gently guide her in a direction that you want her to go, and then absolve yourself from guilt and responsibility when she doesn't do it.

[Aletheia]

Tappapoppy, thank you for the heart-felt advice. I particularly will try to hold these pieces in my range of vision when looking at my mom:


it lets me think that I have done everything that I can in the situation: I listened to my mom, whom I love; I didn't take sides, although I wanted to; and I made a suggestion about how to make things better.

All you can do is to try and gently guide her in a direction that you want her to go, and then absolve yourself from guilt and responsibility when she doesn't do it.

I think I've been feeling guilty that I've sort of abandoned her and that consequently everything she does is viewed by my aunts and uncles as the effect of being a lonely old spinster whose husband and children have left her. Lordy, Aletheia, get over yourself! I'm probably just mis-recognizing the source of my guilt-- I'm not responsible for what she does, but I can be responsible for giving her a place to reflect and talk about what she does. I haven't been doing this as well as I think I can, but being guilty of not talking to her is not as huge a charge as being guilty of being somehow directly responsible for her actions! Thanks for helping me see the shades of grey involved here... But I have a feeling I may need more help absolving myself from feelings of guilt when talking doesn't help her behavior!

Sigh.

Ok, so here I think is what I need to focus on to have the type of conversations that will help me feel more connected to my mom and less overwhelmed by her actions:
1. More regular conversations. I need to make this more routine than it is right now. We used to have Sunday night reserved for phone conversations when I was in college... where did that go?
2. More questions. She could talk in a constant stream and not know that I had suffered a debilitating attack on the other end of the line for hours. I have to help guide the conversation by asking good questions about what she's done, how she feels, and how she has felt.
3. More letters. A letter allows me to talk in a different way- about bigger more important things, than does being on the phone. Plus, then she has something tangible saying "I love you."
4. More visits home. Even if it is exhausting and pains me. In the end I'll feel better for it, and so will she. She deserves my effort; good golly, she raised two kids by herself. She deserves more than I can ever give her. (Oh! The guilt!)

It's a start. No, it's a list of objectives. Tiny steps are the start.

[apoppy]

You're welcome. Anytime you want to talk about the joys of loving a difficult mom, let me know. :)

[Sare79]

Aletheia:
I am totally in the same shoes.My dad cheated on my mom about 3 and half years ago with a woman he met on the internet. It totally devastated my mom because she had no idea and really thought they had a happy marriage. Since then, she will not move on. My dad moved in with a different woman just two months after my mom and dad seperated, and knowing that wrecked my mom.
My brother got married last year and the whole thing was trying to keep my dad away from my mom. I'll admit, my dad was trying to shove his girlfriend in mom's face, but my mom was completely unreasonable. She doesn't feel he should have been invited to the wedding because he strayed from our fmaily. My brother and I just started rebuilding our relationships with our dad before my brother's wedding and so it was important that he be at each of our weddings.
I am having a similar problem with my upcoming wedding. My dad is helping me out a little bit financially with the wedding and I would like to acknowledge that at the rehearsal dinner, not the wedding. My mom wants to help me with the reherasal dinner, but not attend if my dad is going to be there.
My mom is a sweet, loving and kind person, but she is stubborn as hell. She isn't ready to find a new man, although I would love if she would. Perhaps she may soften a bit.
Often times, my brother and I have had to step up and tell my parents to stop acting like children. They involved us in the divorce, which was a mistake on everyone's part. We were there with the dividing of the assets, we were there with the selling of the house and we were there when my mom confronted my dad about straying and he said some very bad things to her and to my brother and I. It is such a strange feeling to have the roles reversed.
I do live close to my mom, and consequently end up helping her out more often. I go there every Sunday to help her with grocery shopping, manual labour tasks, take her shopping and for lunch to get her out of the house. I really believe if I didn't she would not leave the house except for work.
I know how you feel. If you ever need other support- I am here!

[Aletheia]

Sare- Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. It's silly how good it can feel to have proof that I'm not the only one who has children for parents. :)

I had a good talk with my mom last night-- not about divorce or marriage, but just about her not being so self-effacing so often. She likes to call herself a "Batinski" and say that she doesn't deserve to have opinions about my life and my sister's life, and she often worries out loud that she is in my way or calls too often. And when she is going to come to visit I have to listen to repeat thanks for "putting up with her." I basically told her to suck it and be a parent last night when she started that routine again. :eek:

I think she actually heard me, and it was a lot more conducive to genuine conversation than it sounds. But I need her to be a parent and not let my sister and I get away with being brats! Let me explain- My sister and I tend to be dismissive and sassy when we're with her, separately or together. Our circumstances and her strength caused us to both grow up head-strong, bold, and feisty, and we tend to make her aware of this often. I think she has taken this as an indication that we don't need her and don't care for her opinions, and geesh, that's pretty much what we've been saying if you were to quote us! But the truth is, she tried to teach us to be self-sufficient and independent so if we were ever in her stinky divorce shoes we wouldn't be quite so devastated. So when you think about it, we're not truly telling her to leave us alone, we're actually acting in the way we think she wants us to act- we're actually asking for approval and validation!

I hope this doesn't sound like I am rationalizing this. Even if I am, I guess I tend to think that even if we were telling her to leave us alone, she should say, "NO I WILL NOT I AM YOUR MOTHER AND YOU CANNOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO." That's how parents are supposed to be. They are supposed to be the bottom line and give you the reassurance that comes from knowing that you can't call all the shots. So when it seems to me that she actually listens to me being a brat and I think that that is what is making her do her little low-self-esteem skits, it makes me feel... you guessed it!
GUIL-TAY.

Thanks, internet. You are such a good therapist!