I don't want to decline, but... [Archive]

charliezangel

07-16-2005, 01:31 PM

OK, so i have a very sticky situation on my hands and i need some advice. On of my best girlfriend is getting married in ovember. She has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. She was one of mine and she is one of my dearest friends, so of course i said yes when she asked. I spent months agonizing over BM dresses with her, she just couldn't decide on what she liked. Finally, she found the perfect pattern, and was able to find a seamstress to make them. The dresses are going to end up costing $116. The seamstress needs half up front, and the other half when she finishes the dresses in about a month. It seems like, every time i go to pay the woman, something comes up in my life where i have t use that money. For example. I forgot that my new lease started this month and my rent went up, so I had to pay that extra on my last paycheck. So fine, she said i could pay her this weekend cuz i got paid yesterday. Well my kitten has been sick and yesterday she had blood in her stool, so i HAD to bring her to the vet today, that wasn't an option. That ended up costing me over $70, and I had to use the $ i was going to pay the seamstress for the dress. DH said i shouldn't have a problem next paycheck since we both worked overtime last week. But my friend is saying that the woman will not start on ANY of the dresses until she has $ from everyone, and she has 6 BMs. My friend said she would just front the money, but i feel like i keep putting her off because we end up being broke after we pay the bills and buy groceries. I really want to be in her wedding, but I can't even buy DH new pants for work, and he only has one pair. What should I do....should I let her front the money and just tell her i'll pay her when i can??? or should i pull out and tell her that i just can't afford the $ right now. I would be so sad if i couldn't be in her wedding, but i feel like she completely did not listen to us when we all told her we have no $ for an expensive dress.

jenn0911

07-16-2005, 02:17 PM

You should definately talk to your friend and see what she thinks. If she's a really close friend, she will give you her honest opinion about what you should do. It always seems like something comes up when you really need money for something else.

I wasn't sure if it was a misprint, but you put that the dress would cost about $116, and then wrote that you didn't feel like she listened to you about not being able to afford an expensive dress? I have been in a few weddings and none of the dresss cost that ($238, $147, $162) My bridesmaid dresses were $105, but that was 8 years ago.

Also, if you are going to have a problem with the $ for the dress, you might also want to think about the other $ responsibilities that come with being in and even going to a wedding before you make your decision. I know that it is different in different parts of the country, but around where I live, the bridesmaids are usually responsible for the shower and of course, any gifts for the shower and wedding. Besides, wouldn't you rather have fun at the wedding and not feel bad about the $.

chrisinluv

07-16-2005, 02:21 PM

It sounds like you are leaning towards declining because you feel that the bride picked out a dress which was too expensive for your tastes. While I think $116 is perfectly reasonable, it might not be an amount you are comfortable paying. I'm sure your friend doesn't want any hard feelings between you, so I doubt she'd be offended if you told her that you just can't afford the dress. It happens all the time. Some brides even offer to offset the cost of the dress slightly. For example, I bought the material and the patterns for all of my BM/FG dresses. I've paid upwards of $250 for a BM dress that I only wore one time. It was a PITA, and I had to use my credit card for groceries one month, but it was worth it. It was important for me to be a part of my friend's wedding, and it was a beautiful wedding.

DiscoDiva

07-16-2005, 02:35 PM

I don't think the dress is too expensive at all, but it sounds like you just are financially in a position to be a member of the bridal party (think about all the other costs that will come up in the next few months.) I'd tell her this and say that you'd love to do anything else you can for her (help address invites, be a reader, help with the guest book, help her shop for her gown or accessories, etc.) but that you just can't put out any money.

charliezangel

07-16-2005, 06:40 PM

leet me start by saying that expensive to 1 persone, is not the sme to another. i think anything over $50 is a waste of money when it comes to clothes, but that's just me. I also believe that a BM dress is a different situation entirely, and i would have no problem spending the money....if i had it. That being said. own the road, I WILL have the money (DH just got a promotion at work, but the paperwork for the raise just went through and he would see it for another 2 paychecks). Being that her wedding is in November, I thought we'de be buying these dresses maybe in later august, early october. Then she decided to have them made, which means we are no longer on our own time schedule. I mean, if it was a DB dress, i'd just open a DB card, probably. But we can't pay this woman with a cc, we have to send her a check or cash. And i do understand the funds that come with being a BM. I have been put incharge of her batchelorette party and what we are planning is going to cost a pretty penny. But I'll be able to pay for it 3 months down the road....i just don't have money right now. And by holding off on paying at the moment, i holding up the entire dress making project. I will say this, i told my mom the situation. They just refinanced their home and took out a little xtra $, so she said she would be willing to help me out (my friend might as well be family, that's how close we are). So, I will probably take my mom up on the offer and pay her back when i have it. I wouldn't feel as bad borrowing form my mom...lol... Anyway, thanks for the advice ladies.

Zelda Von Yitz

07-16-2005, 07:53 PM

How about cashing in on change?:D

YOu'd be surprised how quickly change can grow -- put your spare change in a can and when the can's half full, take the change to a coin machine and cash the coins in.

Rinse, rather and repeat.

Use that money for your BM gown fund.:D

nylons73

07-16-2005, 07:57 PM

Charlie - I don't have any specific advice for you (actually it seems that you have it figured out already) but I just wanted to say that I have 'never' understood how the tradition of the bms paying for everything came to be! It's kind of odd, isn't it? I have shelled out thousands to be in the various wedding's I have been in and every time I think it's a little bit odd that the bride has to call up her closest friends and say "Will you be in my bridal party and will you pay $$$ to do it?" I wonder how this tradition started?

I had girlfriends that I wanted to ask, who were of all various economic situations when DH and I got engaged. I was literally sick thinking about the fact that some of them might have to decline because they were out of town and would also have to buy the dress, pay for a hotel room, etc. I know this is totally routine and acceptable, but for me it wouldn't work. Having those women there was more important to me than any other part of my wedding. I sprung for the dresses and the hotel rooms. The sense of relief I felt about this was immeasurable!

I am glad that it seems that you have figured things out with your mom's help, etc. I'm just so sad for you that you actually had to consider not being there for your friend (in a bridesmaid role) due to finances. I know that she may not have the money either, so I guess I am sad for both of you! :(

On a happy note, hope you have a great time being in her bridal party and that the dress turns out smashing! :)

charliezangel

07-16-2005, 08:18 PM

Nylon, I totally agree. i tried to do evrything in my power to make my BMs as finacially irresponsible as i could (i know that makes no sense, but i know what i mean...lol...). Their dresses ended up being $100 (i tried to get them for less, but the woman who made them wasn't budging). My grandmother offered to pay for the bridal shower seeing as my MOH was student teaching at the time, with no pay...and my other bridesmaid (the one who is getting married) was in the midst of planning her own wedding. But, i know they all ended up spending a lot, and there was nothing i could do about it. It does seem odd that the honor would hold such a huge financial responsibility. However, i couldn't possible decline being her BM, she is wy to important to me.

Zelda Von Yitz, I think that is a great idea. Between what is sitting in my washing machine right now (DH doesn't seem to get that he needs to empty his pockets before he does the laundry) and what i will probably vacume out of my car when i clean it tomorrow, I'll probably have like $15. Not a lot, but a start....and i'm sure that will continue to grow. I think i'm gonne do that at least for some of the finances i will need. My step mother, who is always on my ss about smoking, said that i should quit smoking and put my $3 a day in a jar and use that. She said "Woudn't J be honored if you did that just to be in her wedding?". LOL...Long shot...but not a bad idea

Asha

07-17-2005, 09:45 AM

charliezangel - i wanted to write that i understand what you are going through. i was in a friend's wedding a couple of year's ago. we were really tight for money then bc we were planning our own wedding plus my dh was only getting a small stipend from his graduate school.. i paid nearly $1,000 for everything when i factor in all the wedding related costs. it was a financial burden on me. though, i figured it would be a once in a lifetime thing for me, so i did it for her bc she is important to me. i remember i did have to pay for half the dress up front many months prior, so they would order the dresses. when we planned our wedding, i was very understanding of the bm's and i was of the mind that they should have to pay for very little. after all, it was my wedding. i paid for the material for their dresses. that same friend's mom made the dresses for free. i didn't require them to wear any specific shoe as long as it complimented the dress. also, i paid for them to get their hair done that day.

justHB

07-17-2005, 11:24 PM

I guess I'm going to be the unpopular one here and say that I don't understand why it was okay to ask your BMs to pay for dresses and now you're not willing to do it for someone who is supposedly so close to you. She paid only $16 less than you for her dress. Is it that much of a difference? I spent over $1000 on my BF's wedding when I was a college student making minimum wage. Yes, it was a PITA to have to save money SPECIFICALLY for her wedding, but if someone is that important to you, you do it - especially if they have done it for you.

:shrugs:

BTB

07-18-2005, 01:08 AM

If you do take coins in, go to your own bank if possible, they'll usually do the exchange to paper money for free. Coinstar and similar exchange machines can charge 8% of the amount you exchange, or more!

i should quit smoking and put my $3 a day in a jar and use that.

That is really a terrific idea. That's $90 a month that's literally going up in smoke. I know it's not as easy as just tossing it out there, but you certainly can do it if you're motivated enough. And having $116 for the dress in just five and a half weeks is icing on the cake! It doesn't stop there, either... you can then pick out a treat for yourself to save for... you'd have an "extra" $1,080 per year - more if your DH smokes too and you quit together!

I did clinical research in college about smoking cessation, and spent a month rotation in medical school as an outreach coordinator to businesses looking to institute smoke-free workplaces. I'd be happy to refer you to web, phone, or IRL resources to help you if you're interested.

Besides looking fabulous in a custom-made dress at your friend's wedding, there's a good chance this decision would save your life. I had to watch my dad die of lung cancer, and it is a painful, slow, miserable way to die. I wish you the best of luck in quitting, if not now, whenever you decide the time's right.

IrisHope

07-18-2005, 08:16 AM

I have been in more weddings than I can count off hand. The cost is hard to bear (I was a college student in all of the weddings). For the time being, I would ask my friend to front the money. Just because it's her wedding she can still help you out. You will pay her back as soon as you can (don't make her ask you for it). I see nothing wrong with that.

greenbunny

07-18-2005, 10:37 AM

I sympathize, and I think you should be up front with her and ask her what she wants you to do. Make it clear that you'd love to be involved and she means the world to you, but you're having hard times financially.

I can't stress enough how important honesty is. One of my BMs dropped out because she said the $110 dress was too expensive. Then she showed up at our wedding as a guest with a brand-new state-of-the-art digital camera and digital pictures of the new custom home they were building. She and her fiance were both in designer clothes, too. It obviously wasn't about the money. We haven't spoken to them since.

My point is, make sure she understands that your finances are the only thing holding you back, and you want to be a part of her day and do what makes her happy. If she is comfortable fronting the money and really wants you in the wedding, I would say to do it.

calliope_muses

07-18-2005, 10:43 AM

If your friend has offered to help out by spotting you the money for now go ahead and take her up on it. I did this for one of my bridesmaids - she and her husband had just had a baby, she wasn't working, and money was really tight. Having my dear friend in my wedding meant enough to me that I didn't mind. I also bought the shoes I picked out to match the dresses. We've been friends long enough that I figured $200 divided by the 12 years we've been friends wasn't a whole lot! ;0)

kam

07-18-2005, 10:48 AM

I think your friend will appreciate your honesty rather than you holding up the bridesmaids dresses without explanation. If she can help you out, great. If your mom can help you out, great. Don't put it off any longer.

amew

07-18-2005, 12:22 PM

I would just tell her honestly that while you would love to be in her wedding, you simply cannot afford the financial burden at this time. Then she can either decide that having you in the wedding is worth stomaching the cost herself or go ahead and order the dresses without you. One of my bridesmaids told me long before my wedding that she didn't have the money to buy a plane ticket, a dress, and a hotel room for two nights. I told her I would happily pay for her dress, shoes, and hotel room if she could find a way to get herself to the wedding, as it was worth it to me to have her in my wedding. But had I not had the money to spare either, I would have much prefered for her to decline being in the wedding rather than going into debt over some silly taffeta dress. I suspect most good friends would feel the same.

Kimberland30

07-18-2005, 12:45 PM

Being a recent bride, I had a similar situation with two of my bridesmaids. My advise is to bow out, even if you think you'll have the money later. I know that might not be the popular choice here, but it will save you and your friend a lot of stress later.

My bridesmaids knew ONE YEAR prior to ordering the gowns approximately how much they would cost. One friend of mine is always in debt, but can get a tattoo, join the community pool, whatever...but couldn't set aside $150 for her dress. The other BM changed jobs and apartments every 3 weeks, so it was understandable how much debt she was racking up. Over the course of ordering the dresses (finally), having them paid for with the alterations, and the other financial obligations (hair, makeup - their choice), the showers and bachelorette party....my MOH and I are out about $800 from covering from these two. And I doubt we'll get paid back, one BM is going to Atlantic City next week to go gambling, and the other just sent her kids to Disney World with their grandparents, but she's giving them $500 in spending money. Ugh.

Anyway, sorry to vent, but I'm just saying that if you haven't been able to afford it so far, just be realistic as how much you'll be able to afford later. I'm not saying that you "can't", but there are a lot of expenses coming up. There are favors and gifts for the shower, the bachelorette party, the wedding gift, not to mention the "frou-frou" for the wedding day (jewelry, undergarments, etc).

IrisHope

07-18-2005, 01:16 PM

I told my MOH to make sure they can afford whatever it is they give me. We didn't have a limo or anything that was over the top. To me it was who was in the wedding party.

nylons73

07-18-2005, 03:38 PM

I told my MOH to make sure they can afford whatever it is they give me. We didn't have a limo or anything that was over the top. To me it was who was in the wedding party.

Iris - I totally agree with this. To me, the whole day was about having our friends and family there, no matter what their financial situation was. There was no way I was going to let somebody 'bow out' and then go on and hire the vendors for my wedding. Those are just the priorities I had in mind. I decided that I would take care of the BMs first, and then start looking at all of the other things I would need for a wedding. Because, honestly and in my complete honest opinion from my heart, all I really needed there that day was: My DH, someone to marry us, our parents, and my wonderful, wonderful, relatives and life-long (many of them) friends in my bridal party.

If we had just had that, and gotten married in jeans and t-shirts, in the backyard, I would have been all set! :D

To me, in the final sum, the wedding wasn't about my dress, the flowers, the cake or the band. My first priority was to make sure we could include the people that we love.

charliezangel

07-18-2005, 07:17 PM

You girls are all great. I talked to her yesterday and she said not to worry about the $. She just got a really good paying job and she said she will front it until i can pay her back. She only cares about me being in her wedding.

I guess I'm going to be the unpopular one here and say that I don't understand why it was okay to ask your BMs to pay for dresses and now you're not willing to do it for someone who is supposedly so close to you. She paid only $16 less than you for her dress. Is it that much of a difference? I spent over $1000 on my BF's wedding when I was a college student making minimum wage. Yes, it was a PITA to have to save money SPECIFICALLY for her wedding, but if someone is that important to you, you do it - especially if they have done it for you.

First of all, I never said i wasn't WILLING to do it. If i had the $ right now, i'd pay for the whole thing. Shit, I'd buy her anything she wanted if i COULD. She paid what she could for my dress. And she had a hard time with it too. I had offered to help her out, but she said she would do it herself, and ended up paying the seamstress late. It's not a PITA to save money for her wedding, if I COULD. Right now, every penny I have is going to bills, groceries, and now medical expenses for my cat. Soon, those medical expenses will be for me because i'm dealing with my own issues. Thankfully, i have a friend who understands. As awful as you think i probably am, it has nothing to do with WANTING to be there for her finacially, i CAN'T.

IrisHope

07-19-2005, 07:03 AM

Kimberland, one of my girlfriends had the same view on weddings as you did. After her wedding we never talked again. I went into deep debt being in her wedding because I was afraid of her reaction when I said I just couldn't afford it. When it was all over I realized just how selfish she was and couldn't talk to her anymore.

charliezangel

07-19-2005, 07:12 AM

deleting what i orriginlly said because i was confused about who said what...

IrisHope

07-19-2005, 07:35 AM

That's why when it was my turn I made sure my friends knew this was not about how much money they could spend on me.

Walton

07-19-2005, 10:32 AM

I don't understand how anyone is being selfish. When you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you should understand the financial obligations that are involved. I have been a bride as well as a bridesmaid, so I can see both points of view. As a bridesmaid, I have spent a lot of money on dresses, showers, gifts, etc. As a bride, I did what I could to defray these costs (paid for a large portion of the dress, let them choose their own shoes, didn't require professional hairstyles). But I don't think it is selfish for Kimberland to be frustrated that two of her bridesmaids (so supposedly good friends) were unable to pay for their dresses, but could pay for tattoos and other items. Being a bridesmaid is a very special honor, but it is also an obligation. People shouldn't agree to perform this duty if they won't be able to fulfill it.

That said, I am talking about reasonable costs. I do think it's unreasonable to expect bridesmaids to spend over $200 on dresses, $100 on shoes, $50 for hair, and throw you a destination bachelorette party in Vegas.

IrisHope

07-19-2005, 10:35 AM

No, I totally agree that there is a cost associated with being in a wedding. My x-friend become totally self-absorbed and was upset that I was having financial difficulty. There was no wiggle room for people who couldn't afford the extravagant things she wanted (and she was very vocal about what she expected). She acted as though this was our job. She was being very selfish.

charliezangel

07-19-2005, 07:02 PM

OK, i think i may have read everything wrong....justHB basicly said that i should spend the $ even if i was evicted from my apartment because she did it for me...that's who pissed me off, kimberland, i don't think i even commented on her post...maybe i got confused...HELP...regardless, i think that being a bridesmaid should not a burden. Yes, you know the financial responsibilities when you say yes, but life doesn't always stay the same. Sometime your situation chages and you don't have the $ you did when you said yes. If she had told me she couldn't do it, i would have helped her the best i could, but i would have understood. But expecting me to stop paying my electricity bill just because "she spent $ for my wedding" is ridiculous and selfish

ktsb

07-19-2005, 07:28 PM

It's perfectly clear here that you were WILLING to pay the money just not ABLE. I'm so glad your bride understood the true meaning of being a bridesmaid. You feel special and she feels good about having you there regardless of your ability to pay.

And this bride will probably also understand that no one is obligated to pay for a shower, gifts, bachelorette party or wedding gifts unless they are willing and able.

Kimberland30

07-20-2005, 09:47 PM

Charliezangel: I want to apologize if my previous post came across as me being selfish. I was merely answering your question and backing it up with my own experience. I didn't mean to imply that you were going to be burden on the bride or that your financial troubles didn't have merit. Weddings are expensive for everyone involved, and I was only saying that if you were having difficulties now, there are other things to consider besides just the cost of the dress down the road.

That said, IrisHope, I do not believe I was a selfish bride or friend in the least. I could have typed everything that Walton did (thank you by the way!). Believe it or not, I was extremely sensitive to their financial worries during the wedding planning. I cut corners where I could. They picked out their style of dress because I wanted something they could possibly wear again. They were different price ranges so they could choose something they could afford. I didn't "require" specialty dyed shoes...they picked their own out in a color that matched the BM dresses but they could wear again - and they do. I didn't want "extravagant things" as far as a shower or bachelorette party. In fact, we had a pot luck shower at my house (nobody had room at their own, and getting a hotel meeting room was out of the question), and my bachelorette party was dinner at a local joint and clubbing where we got in free for being a b-party. No limo either...my DH dropped us off and we took a cab home (that we all split). I think I was totally justified in being put off by my two bridesmaids being able to get tattoos and the like, but then complaining about the cost of their gowns (that they chose) and not taking into account everything else involved with a wedding. I don't think it was fair that my MOH and I had to cover for them, especially since my DH and I paid for our wedding ourselves and my MOH went out of her way to make sure my BM's knew exactly what was coming up and when. Every one of us had financial issues at one point or another - including us when I was laid off from two different jobs...within 7 months of eachother.

And yes, these two girls are still my good friends. And it bites me in the ass that they are taking trips and such while they haven't even mentioned paying me back (one called tonight about the $300 cat she just bought), and I think that is justified without being called selfish. I haven't said anything to them and I won't, I'll write it off because it really isn't that important. Doesn't mean I can't get steamed about it every now and then.

edited for spelling.

charliezangel

07-21-2005, 07:41 AM

Kinberland, i think i got confused about which person we were posting about!!! I personally do not think you were being selfish. I think your feeling are completely warented, given the situation. If my girls had said they didn't have the $, and then went and got new tatoos and pets and cars...i'd be livid. I myself felt awful this weekend because DH found a $10 bill in his jeans he wore last weekend and didn't wash (ewwwww, i know), so he wanted to go play golf cuz he hasn't been able to in a few weeks. So we went to play golf on Saturday, and the whole time i felt like i could have put that $10 away in the dress fund. It was terrible, i didn't enjoy the day at all. But no, i do not think you are selfish. I do understand Iris's point though. Her friend WAS very selfish. I think she was comparing the situations.