Does your DH dislike your friends?

[smiles33]

So the other thread on wanting to make new friends got me thinking. DH dislikes my girlfriends. He's never liked them much, primarily because he thinks they are selfish, materialistic, immature, unresponsible, and a bit wild. I can't disagree much with any of those opinions (though I do try to defend them, to my DH's chagrin) but DH has even personally witnessed some atrocious behavior so it's not as if I'm telling him all the bad stuff.

The thing is, if I'm brutally honest with myself, I can agree with him about how these aren't the types of people I would choose as friends now and admit to myself that I'm primarily still friends with them out of loyalty and proximity. If we moved to the other end of the state, or even out of town, I think I'd send them Christmas cards but not make much more of an effort to see them regularly. We have a long history, as these are girls I was very close to from my college days more than 10 years ago when I had a brief "party girl" phase. But I have changed and reverted back to my normal self and find it much harder to identify with them now.

I still try to see them and go to lunch rather than clubbing with them (I'm nearly 30 and all those club kids seem to be younger than 21!), but it means we never do couple activities with my friends and their guys.

Does anyone else struggle with a similar situation?

[PG-rated]

It sounds like even you don't like these women, or at the very least, you can't fault your DH for refusing to spend time with them. My personal feeling is that you would be better off making new friends, ones you feel good about introducing to DH, and then let your other friendships fade to a more comfortable point - maybe seeing them a couple times a year when you feel like going out and having a good time. Of course, that takes a lot more work, so I understand why you feel it's easier to just maintain these friendships.

I guess I wasn't much help, so sorry about that. But I don't really think that there's a solution, as things stand.

[smiles33]

Thanks for your thoughts, pg-rated. I'm not even sure why I posted this thread as I don't know what anyone can say. Plus, I also feel horrible bad-mouthing them. There were a few times over the weekend when I thought about asking the mods to delete the thread after I saw all the page views but no responses.

I'd say most days, I do like these women and just ignore DH's claim that I cut them way too much slack. They can be funny and it's a comfortable relationship as there is a lot of shared history and old stories.

To give a little background, I was pretty devastated after my second serious boyfriend ALSO left me because he met another woman who I used to categorize as "high-maintenance" (e.g., full make-up at all times, impeccably dressed in revealing and very girly clothes as opposed to my low-maintenance, makeup-free face and dressed in a t-shirt/tank top with cut off jeans and Teva sandals outfits). These relationships had both been very serious, very intense where we spent every day together. I have always been very serious about relationships and never just casually dated people until later on (after meeting these girls).

So after the second time I was dumped because of a pretty "high-maintenance" girl the guy met, I sank into a sad and lonely martyr state (all I did was eat, sleep, and study) until I was "rescued" by these friends when we all became roommates. They are all very girly, very vivacious women and helped me to come of of my shell (by forcing me to go out clubbing and weekend trips, shopping, etc.).

This undoubtedly may confirm some stereotypes, as they were sorority women so it was a whole new perspective/lifestyle I had never seen before. It was an "extreme makeover" for me before the phrase was ever used. Other friends thought I went off the deep end, as it was a total 180 degree change. I've since come back about 120 degrees--I no longer consider myself a tomboy, but I've given up the full make-up face and highlighted hair, trendy and revealing wardrobe, partying lifestyle, etc.

Anyhow, if it weren't for being roommates, we never would have been friends. Yet if it weren't for them, I might still be someone extremely reluctant to get into a serious relationship and extremely self-conscious about being a tomboy. They helped me to see that those 2 men who broke my heart fell for flashy glitter and missed the substance of a good person, and that I could be just as "glittery" as any woman.

So I guess I'm reluctant to completely break off the friendships because of this history. And it's doubly difficult since they're all in the same town as me (we all moved here after college, though 2 of us grew up here). But I also find DH's disapproval to be an uncomfortable push towards breaking it off. For now, he just avoids them and prefers I not go out with them when alcohol is involved (we tend to still drink to excess when together--the whole peer pressure thing).

Anyhow, this might give more perspective without spilling the beans on the more atrocious stuff DH can't stand (and that might make them more identifiable to anyone stopping by this message board community, which is partly why I changed my avatar as you never know who's reading and it would be SO horribly painful if anyone to recognized themselves here).

[camberne]

I'm on the flip side of this. I can't stand a large group of my husband's old friends. He lived a few houses down from these people for a few years when I met him. He saw them daily and basically they worked to support their drinking/drugging. It's really odd that he kept such big company with these folks since he has never done drugs nor drank (literally, at all). I would NEVER tell him to stop seeing these people; however, I do not associate with them anymore. I don't enjoy being around a lot of drunk people. I don't think he sees them much anymore, which I don't know if that bothers him or not. I've asked him occasionally if he has seen or spoken with one of them, who was one of his best friends in high school; but he doesn't really answer. It makes me sad sometimes, because I honestly don't want him to think that he had to give up his friends.

I know that he isn't thrilled with one of my best friends, but he also has never suggested that I stop associating with her. Not that I would if he did. I've known her for over 20 years.

[Kimberland30]

My DH is very opinionated when it comes to some of my friends. My man is VERY outspoken sometimes so I can say the feeling is mutual, but I understand from both sides.

I have a couple of friends that I've had since high school. One is a drama queen, the other is just strange (in his eyes, not mine). Yeah, their lifestyles are completely different than mine. But my DH knows that my friends and I have totally unique bonds. One friend might go barhopping every weekend and bring home a different guy...so what? It's her health that I worry about, but her actions are NOT going to rub off on me. What, I'm going to forget that I'm in a committed relationship because one of my friends is trying to hook up?

One is financially irresponsible. Does that mean that now I'm going to go shopping without regard to our bills?

But the fact is that these are MY friends, those who have been around through children, husbands, crisis, you name it. Yeah, everyone has their little tics that get on other's nerves, but these are my friends for a reason. DH might not like them, but he really doesn't have much of a choice.

[KKay]

Yes! DH feels that two of my friends in particular are very selfish. However, I love my friends and I understand their little quirks - even the selfishness. In my situation the problem is that our relationship has to grow in a different direction. I'm married with a child. One of my friends is single. The other is married, but has a different view of marriage than me.

My DH feels they need to come to grips with my schedule (work, baby, etc). They both feel that I'm not there for them the way I used to be. In all fairness, I'm not. I am still learning to juggle work, family, and friends. However, I do always call them and I'm happy to go out IF they give me enough advance notice (someone has to watch DD). He always leaves when one of them visits the house. As for the other one....he tolerates her. I think he has learned to respect my friendships for what they are. He may never understand it, but I've known all of my closest friends for at least 15 years...the rest even longer. I know my girls have my back no matter what, and I have theirs.

[PG-rated]

smiles33 - I think I understand a little better where you're coming from now. I think friends like that are important because they help us remember that we're multi-faceted people. You probably just have to accept that your DH is never going to spend time with them and adjust your relationship with them accordingly. I still think it's a good idea for you to cultivate some friendships that can include your DH, but you don't necessarily have to drop these other women - just be realistic about their place in your life, and don't let DH pressure you. Unless of course their relationship is harming you in some way - they're mistreating you or something. But that doesn't sound like it's the case.

[lawyerlee]

I think it is perfectly fine to have friends that your partner doesn't care to hang out with. DH and I both do, and my parents always did when I was growing up. I think it is pretty common. As long as they aren't hurting you or using you, I think it is just fine, and it is great to have a reason to spend some time apart from your partner. That just makes the quality time you have together that much better, IMHO. :)

[smiles33]

Hi everyone!

Wow, weekends are just slow or something, as I suddenly have all these response!

camberne, I think DH thinks like you do--he disapproves of these friends' lifestyles (e.g., crazy spending habits like $1,000 Chanel purses but then later on only having $12 in a bank account because of poor budgeting). And for the record, I never spent as extravagantly as they did, but certainly much more than I do now because I fell into the whole "they have it so I want it, too" mindset. But I always paid off all CC in full every month (though one month my mom actually asked me if I had spent all my money on an abortion because I was spending so much money!!!).

DH respects that I won't acquire these habits just by association, but he worries about potential harm to me if someone is drinking and then drives, or someone leaves me at a club to hook up with some guy (which has happened). He also thinks that sometimes I'm being taken advantage of (he thinks they don't reciprocate, which I disagree with, but I can see his point because it's not really to the same extent). DH would never pressure me to not be friends, but I think his disapproval certainly weighs heavily on me because I respect and admire him so much. Sadly, I don't respect and admire these friends at anywhere the same level, but I do appreciate all that they've helped me overcome. There's the conflict I'm facing.

Kimberland30, I respect your point but that's not what my issue is. I'm not saying that I have concerns because these girlfriends have led highly indulgent lifestyles. I'm saying we have very little in common other than our history. We don't share the same goals, values, or outlooks on life.

KKay I think your point sort of fits my situation, in that I'm much more of a "homebody" compared to my girlfriends (especially more so now that I'm also married to a homebody), but I do have a married friend who is in the same boat as me in terms of stage of life so our conflict is not one of single versus married. It's other things like not being able to relate to certain values/choices. Everyone is entitled to live their life as they see fit if it doesn't harm others, so she can spend money on whatever she wants. I just don't want to continually hear complaints about the difficulties of homebuying when she's buying these designer trinkets. It gets tiresome and that's sad when you realize you can't support a friend who's upset (but then suddenly forgets her frustration when the next season's "it" bag appears on the scene so she can buy it without hesitation). Honestly, this probably sounds cold, but I can't respect someone who harps on issues like this and complains bitterly, but then goes and takes counterproductive steps that further ensures she stays in the same situation. If you want to buy a house, STOP throwing money away on these little leather bags that cost more than your ex-boyfriend's car (at the time they were dating, she bought a designer purse more expensive than his newly purchased used car)!

PG-rated thanks for the kind and wise advice. I agree that I just need to make new friends and move on. I haven't ever been in real physical danger (we hitchhiked once while drunk, though) but I think it's emotionally tough for me to hear of their lives and their decisions and not wince. I DO worry about them because they have good hearts and it scares me when they do destructive things, but I can only nag so many times. Perhaps in the end *I* will be the one to drive them away as they'll be sick of me telling them to please not drink and go home with strangers, or please don't do highly addictive Class I felony drugs.

lawyerlee, my concern is more focused on ME being reluctant to see them and feeling MORE so because I know DH worries when I'm with them. As for your original point, I agree wholeheartedly with you and have always felt DH and I need LOTS of alone time. Once I make some new local friends, I'll definitely spend time with them w/o DH. It's not like I'm looking for couples' friends, as we do hang out with some of his friends and their wives/girlfriends, or that I don't want to spend time without him. In fact, my girlfriends were often surprised to learn after calling me that I would be downstairs watching TV and he would be upstairs on the TV and his computer. We don't like being attached at the hip (we have different interests) and rarely spend more than 4 hours doing the same exact thing unless we're on vacation. I'm just much more of a "loner" at times, I think, so it's not that I only hang out with DH but that rather than seeing the girlfriends, lately I just do my own thing.

Anyhow, this thread is turning into a huge blog/confessional. I have to say it feels GOOD to articulate these feelings and realize that I just need to move on. Thanks for helping me to flesh it out.