Help me not Kill MIL (long)

[Lobeth]

Well I'm not going to kill her, but I am so furious right now.

My husband and I have an 8 month old DD. Due to health concerns (dialysis, diabetic, heart problems, plus some other stuff) my MIL lives with us. Our DD is in daycare and my MIL is listed as a person that can pick her up from daycare. This is in case DH or I cannot pick her up.

Yesterday, MIL picked up DD unbeknownst to us. When DH went to daycare, DD was already gone. He was furious and is not speaking to MIL because she knows that she is supposed to check with one of us if she want to get the baby. This had happed once before a long time ago, so she definately knows the rule.

Anyway, yesterday when I got home, MIL asked me did I noticed anything different about DD. I glanced at DD and noticed that her ear was re-pierced. (It was pierced croockedly the first time so we let 1 hole close back up a few months ago. Apparently she had gone back to DD's Ped's office and had them re-pierce her hear without asking me if it was OK to do so first. I was very upset, but held it in, as she is an elder, my husband's mother and I have to live with her. I politely reminded her that she is to let us know first if wants to get DD and if she is going anywhere other than home, she is to check with us first.

OK, today...dropped DD off at daycare and mentioned to them that MIL had not told us she wanted to pick DD up yesterday. Earlier this afternoon, I get a call from daycare that MIL just picked up DD. Called DH and asked if MIL called him since she did not call me, he says no. So MIL has baby and I have no idea where she is taking her or what. MIL had dialysis a few hrs before picking DD up and is probably weaker that usual. Sometimes her BP drops aftewards and combined with her diabetes, if she has not eaten or had her meds yet, she could get sick and pass out.

A few hours later she leaves a message at my job that she's picked up DD.

In the meantime, I've called daycare, and she is now no longer alowed to pick DD up unless DH or I give prior notice.

DH and I are going to have a talk with her this evening, but I'm afraid I'm gong to say some very unice things because I'm so angry. DH is an only child and his mother treats DD like the daughter she never had. This is good and bad....good because she really loves DD and buys her many things that I cannot afford to buy. Bad because she seems to sometimes forget that I'm the mother and does not respect me as such. I think she views me like a babysitter that does not know what I'm doing, so she is constantly over my shoulder at home.
Any advice or just a listening ear is appreciated.

[BTB]

I was seething for you over the ear piercing, but since your DD had had that done once already with your knowledge and permission, maybe MIL just thought she was being nice, having it redone since maybe you were too busy to do so...

but picking the baby up again today when it was clear yesterday you'd prefer she didn't do that is really too much. I'm sure she thought her phone call after the fact would be enough, but clearly it's not.

I would say as little as possible in this situation. Too often these types of things become big blow-outs when they don't have to be. Vent your anger a different way, and let her being removed from the "automatic ok'd to pick up" list speak for you - it will do the job quite well.

From the sounds of it, any argument with her would just be fruitless anyway.

[Lobeth]

Thank you. I had her ear pierced at the ped office and was going to go back in a few weeks. She did think she was doing me a favor. I think she feels that she is a co-parent and not a grandparent (with DH and myself) so she does not need to ask permission for anything about DD. I would have been OK with her picking her up yesterday if she had just called me or dh first.

[lml41981]

I agree with BTB.

Also wanted to add that my grandmother took me to the mall to get my ears pierced at age 3 because she thought it was time I had earrings (didn't help that my aunt and uncle owned the jewelry store). It was against my parents' wishes...she arranged for my dad to be out golfing and my mom to be doing something else (I think getting her hair done) so she could take me without their objections getting in the way.

I jumped because the gun scared me (and it hurt...and yes, I DO remember the pain, though I'm sure an 8 month old wouldn't) and got a crooked hole. My parents let the holes close up for several years and then when I was 9 or 10, mom tried to pierce them again with her gun, but the piercing took the same path as the original...they had never fully closed. I still have a crooked hole and it can be painful to wear earrings at all...all because my grandmother overstepped her bounds and had my ears pierced at 3.

Just wanted to say that so that you know that the hole may never be perfectly straight...:(

[Franni]

Don't know what you could do.

I think you have already done all that you can do by taking her off the pick-up list. YOu have to live with her, so you can't really tell her off.

I feel for you though. I have MIL troubles also.

[dana b]

sorry, but i think she should be "told off", in a somewhat decent manner of course. you could just explain that you love her being there, love that your dd will have this special relationship with her, etc, but that in order for everyone to be happy, she has to abide by your rules. you've already told her that she needs to ask first and she's obviously not listening to you. you could just take her off the list, but this isn't going to change how she acts in other situations. you've already been so kind to let her live with you, she should be grateful to spend so much time with her grandaughter and respect your wishes and rules. i'd imagine that she's going to be permanently living with you? what are you going to do when you're dd is older and she doesn't agree with the way you're raising her? if you say she's always looking over your shoulder, then she's probably always going to expect to have a say in everything. i'd definitely lay the down the rules now, you can't always be biting your tongue. this kind of thing isn't good for you, your relationship with your dd or your marriage.

[adoredh]

his mother treats DD like the daughter she never had. This is good and bad....good because she really loves DD and buys her many things that I cannot afford to buy. Bad because she seems to sometimes forget that I'm the mother and does not respect me as such. I think she views me like a babysitter that does not know what I'm doing, so she is constantly over my shoulder at home.

and


I think she feels that she is a co-parent and not a grandparent (with DH and myself) so she does not need to ask permission for anything about DD. I would have been OK with her picking her up yesterday if she had just called me or dh first.

I would say those exact things to her. Clearly you do love and respect your MIL and that's good, but she does need to know that first and formost, you are the Mom. I think the way you made those statements are to the point and something I hope she would understand. Make sure you tell her that you appreciate all the things that she does, and that she's a wonderful Grandmother, but you need to set some boundry's.

Now, after my DS is born, and I have simular issues with my MIL, can I come hunt you down for advise! LOL!

[Lolavix]

"I had her ear pierced at the ped office and was going to go back in a few weeks. She did think she was doing me a favor. I think she feels that she is a co-parent and not a grandparent (with DH and myself) so she does not need to ask permission for anything about DD."

I am surprised that the doctor's office did this without parental permission. Honestly, I don't think they should have carte blanche permission to pierce your DD's ears when someone else is bringing her in just because you took her in the first time and gave permission.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time with her. It does sound like she is overstepping her bounds, even if she doesn't realize it.

[emschwar]

I am surprised that the doctor's office did this without parental permission. Honestly, I don't think they should have carte blanche permission to pierce your DD's ears when someone else is bringing her in just because you took her in the first time and gave permission.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time with her. It does sound like she is overstepping her bounds, even if she doesn't realize it.
I was going to say the same thing! I'm astonished they did it without you there, or without your permission.

I don't really have any advice. I'm sorry things are rough. Hopefully it'll improve. I think you made the right call telling the daycare she couldn't pick up your DD without permission.