when siblings fight?

[linda_loo]

How do you handle things, when your children argue?

My kids are almost-3 and almost-4.5. I think they are pretty normal siblings, and they have the to-be-expected disagreements. Sometimes they get along beautifully, sometimes they fight like cats and dogs. Things don't get really bad, neither of them throw punches, but there is some hair-pulling. Wrestling, pushing, light hitting, crying and lots of screaming. Most irritatingly is when they fighting over something teeny tiny, and one wins (gets the toy) and the other comes screaming and crying to me (hair having been pulled), tattling.

I am an only child, and sometimes I am at a little bit of a loss as to how to handle their fighting (and I realize this will probably only get worse or at least more intense within the next 10-15 years). If I had a sibling, I would probably think about how my mom and dad handled things, talk with them and come up with some ideas.

A couple of my IRL friends advocate letting them duke it out, within bloody/bone-breaking limits. One offers a third solution (which is unappealing to the children) , saying "if you two can't work this out without yelling and hurting, then you can have my solution, _________." Honestly, sometimes, I wish I could just lock them both in their rooms for the next 10 years.

[Chelsea524]

I don't have much advice but I feel your pain:o I have a 2yr old and a 7 yr old, I thought the age difference would mean I would avoid these kind of fights but my 7 yrold loves to torture his little brother. What I usually end up doing when they fight over a toy is take that toy away, its gone for a day or two until I give it back. They soon figure out they need to either just let the other one have it (well, #2 hasn't figured this out yet) or fight it out them selves and not get me involved. They still fight all the time but for the most part they figure it out without the tattling.

[LeighW]

The "Kids are Worth It" positive discipline book (suggested by Lisa) has some great suggestions for handling sibling fighting and tattling.

Of course, I can't remember any of her exact suggestions, since I read it a while ago and didn't focus on this issue since I only have one. But I remember being impressed and want to read it again once I have two.

I *think* she recommends a combination of staying out of it, and taking the toy away unless they can come to an agreement about how to use it/share it. I also remember she noted that a parent can offer a younger child negotiating strategies to level the playing field. And she had a great line about tattling ("are you telling me to help your sister or get her in trouble?" or something like that), which escapes me at the moment . . . .

[kristin]

Nothing makes me madder than watching my kids physically hurt each other. My kids are younger than yours, so right now we just separate and give the aggressor a time out. But I have serious issues with letting kids "duke it out". My parents let my sister and I "duke it out" and never got involved in our fights. Until I left for college, I walked around with bites, scratches, and bruises all the time. I also went to the hospital twice with head injuries when I was young, both caused by my sister.

I think my parents just didn't know better. And I obviously wasn't terribly assertive either. But they didn't do her any favors either. She has some serious anger management issues, because she doesn't know how to settle an argument without getting physical.

Obviously this is an extreme example, I know most people who let their kids "duke it out" would interfere at a reasonable level. But the very thought of my kids hurting each other makes my blood boil. I'm working hard to get over this, as I want my kids to have a healthy relationship/

[knzbound]

But I have serious issues with letting kids "duke it out". My parents let my sister and I "duke it out" and never got involved in our fights. Until I left for college, I walked around with bites, scratches, and bruises all the time.

I had a similar experience (scratches, bruises, huge bumps on my head from hair pulling) with my sister growing up and it had a very detrimental effect on our relationship. I know your kids are young now, but the fighting will get more intense and more physical. I really wish my parents had taken more control of the situation and figured out a better way, or any way really, to help us handle our disagreements than to let us just go at it.

[Renrel]

I am not there yet, so I don't really know what I am talking about. But I think alot of the recommendations to let the kids deal with it themselves also recommend helping them to learn more appropriate methods to do so. Acting as a mediator and faciliator rather than as a judge and decider. Teaching them to use words and to negotiate with each other. How to make a deal, how to argue, how to hold another responsible for their own actions. All useful things to learn for later years.

But I do think parents need to factor in the power balance. First the fact that older kids are stronger and more skilled at tricking younger siblings and second that younger siblings can quickly learn to use their age and size to gain sympathy and thus power over their older sibling.

Ex. As an older sibling I would suggest that my younger sisters toys be the prizes for games we played together. As a younger sibling my sister once started hitting me. I grabbed her wrists to protect myself. She started screaming bloody murder that I was strangling her. I was shocked because I did not know she was such a good actor. I knew I was not hurting her and was not trying to hurt her but judging by her act you would have though I was killing her. Luckily both my parents were oldest siblings and understood the power the baby can wield. Also lucky that I was not a violent child and generally took my role as the oldest serously, trying to be a caretaker. I did definately play some mind games with my younger ones though for a few years. Using their desire to play with me to set them against each other in attempts to get my attention/affection.

I think the trick is to find ways to balance the playing field so the negotiations/deals/solutions kids can work out themselves are as fair as possible. Remember that when the grow up they will find themselves in strong and weak negotating situations and it will be helpful to have experience negotating from both places. And having a concequence such as taking a toy away or both kids having to do a chore together if they can't work out their difference themselves, so that there is a motivation to work it out without your interference, would seem to be a tool that could work well for some families.

[linda_loo]

The "Kids are Worth It" positive discipline book (suggested by Lisa) has some great suggestions for handling sibling fighting and tattling.

Of course, I can't remember any of her exact suggestions, since I read it a while ago and didn't focus on this issue since I only have one. But I remember being impressed and want to read it again once I have two.

I *think* she recommends a combination of staying out of it, and taking the toy away unless they can come to an agreement about how to use it/share it. I also remember she noted that a parent can offer a younger child negotiating strategies to level the playing field. And she had a great line about tattling ("are you telling me to help your sister or get her in trouble?" or something like that), which escapes me at the moment . . . .

I remember reading that section too, now that you mention it. I will have to get the book out of the library again.

It feels good to know that I intuitively do those things that you/she suggests. I just get so frustrated some times, because... oh, you know how one wants things to be perfect and for their house to be happy? Sometimes, it is just so exhausting to be continually mediating. I know it will pay off later, but it's still frustrating. I think I was hoping for some *magic* solutions.

I really have no experience with seeing other kids hurt each other as you describe, (like those of you who have siblings) but I can say that I am opposed to violence enough to say that such is not what we want in our home.

So far, the best thing that has worked for us is to offer the other/unattractive solution, which is really a consequence. I am careful with the selection of these consequences. Like, I don't like to offer a chore as a consequence, because I don't wish for chores to be a negative activity. If they are fighting over a toy, that's easy. "If you can't work this out without fighting or hurting each other, then I will put that toy on that high shelf and neither of you will be able to play with it." It's tougher when they are fighting over who gets to do xyz first.

We're working on it.

Any other moms of 2 or + older kids have suggestions that work in your house?

[firefly]

I know that some parents assign days to their kids, like one of my babysitting families has a 13,11,9 and 1 yo the 3 older kids fight over who's going to 'help' with the baby. Mom has a chart and for this week it's the 13 yo the next week it's the 11, yo etc. and the week that the 13 yo helps he also has 'extra' responsibilities. (sorta like paying for the privildge) so the 13 yo doesn't get to pick which show they watch at night or what's for dinner. etc. Therefore the 11 and 9 yo's get to choose what's for dinner for one night and a show to watch one night. does that make sense?

With A and M you could have A get to do the things first one week and M would get to make the choices.

IN dh family when they wanted to share something (like the last of dessert or something ) one would cut it in half and the other would get to choose which 1/2 to have.

[marapets2]

There will always be rivalry between siblings, I always found that its better to find ways of "channeling" their rivalry in a way that doesnt instigate violence

[bamboo]

We had something in my house that wasn't implemented until I was a little older than your girls- I was probably 9 and my sister was 4? Somewhere around there. It was called "Child of the Week", and whoever was child of the week got to pick their seat in the car, at the table for meals, on the couch (basically anywhere we would fight for it). Child of the week also had to set and clear the table for dinner every night. It didn't feel like the chore was a punishment, just that one week we had a special privilege and responsibility, and the next week the other one would have it. We had a little spot on the fridge for our name to remind us whose week it was.

Generally my mom wouldn't get involved in solving our fights. She would stop us from doing extreme physical damage to each other, but let us get in scuffles. I think that was a pretty good way of dealing with it- I think physicality between siblings is normal and trying to squelch it entirely would just drive a parent insane. I think it takes a long time to learn more effective ways of communicating, particularly since siblings learn *really quickly* what each others' buttons are and how to push them. So the mediating is tough but I think it does pay off eventually.