Friend's late-term loss; what can we do to help them?

[kdotp]

I think there's a thread out there about this, and I did a search, but didn't see anything. If you find it, please direct me to it...

DH just learned one of his friends and his wife just lost their baby at 32+ weeks (they were due in November, but I'm not sure of the exact date. DH didn't know the details of the loss at this time). The friend was DH's roommate for a few years before we got married, so I know the friend fairly well. After the friend got married, though, DH had more interaction with him than I, and I haven't talked to him in over a year.

I've personally had two miscarriages (though I know that's absolutely nothing like a late-term loss), so I know what it's like to have a loss and have well-meaning people say/do not-so-well-meaning things. I want to make sure we acknowledge their loss and are supportive, yet still give them the space they need to grieve. I know I can't control how they feel, but I'm also worried they may resent the fact we have a 6-month-old.

The wife has never been particularly friendly to me, so I'm also worried she may not accept any support we give.

I'm thinking of maybe sending a card and then in a week or so making them some dinners and having DH take them over by himself. Any other ideas or suggestions? Thanks much.

[BethIrish]

I think sending a card and having your DH go over with some dinners is an excellent idea. Maybe you could include a note in the card saying something to the effect of "We are thinking of you at this difficult time. Please let us know if there is anything we can do."

[myangelsvw]

Here's the thread I think you were looking for:

http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23290

My thoughts go out to the parents.

[sophiapb]

The thread that myangelsvw posted is excellent. Just to add my $.02 worth, I think your idea of the card and some dinners is perfect. Along with your condolences, I might even add something in the card like "DH will be dropping off dinner on Tuesday plus a couple of frozen casseroles to help tide you over. He will call you the night before to make sure this okay." Then when DH goes over, make sure it is literally a drop off. Hand them the food at the front door, maybe give them some hugs and then wave bye-bye unless he is getting the feeling that they urgently want him to stay.
Looking back on our experience, we didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone for the first couple of weeks. DH was living on cans of Chef Boyardee and microwaved Hot Pockets and I wasn't eating much of anything. We desperately needed help and didn't realize it. My mom flew out for a scheduled visit a few days after we came out of the hospital and the day of her arrival was the first time that I ate a decent meal (chicken piccatta with pasta). I totally remember it because it was like ambrosia after a week of eating nothing. Some friends of ours honored our requests for privacy in the beginning and then came to visit a few weeks later with casseroles. I so wish that I had let them come earlier since the food and support was fabulous but we didn't comprehend that we needed it until it was literally right in front of us.

[DianeCourt]

One of my good friends recently went through this. I asked her if I could drop off dinner one night, and she accepted. I was simply going to drop the meal & take off, but she invited me inside and ended up talking for a LONG time. Depending on how close you are, they may want to talk, but they may want to just be alone. Just follow their lead. But good meals are definitely appreciated.

[FEIrider]

Unfortunately, this has happened to 2 of my close friends.:( As pp suggested, heart-felt cards & food always seems to be a good way to go. I also wanted to mention that "long-term" support is pretty important. A lot of people offer condolences in the first few weeks & then, it seems to taper off. What I learned from watching both my friends is that the grieving process takes a lot longer. About 4 months after one of my friends lost her child, I stopped by to drop off some fabric I picked up for. I called in advaced & when I got there, she was in the midst of breaking down the nursery & having a really tough time (understandably). She told me she didn't feel like she could ask anyone for help & when all the offers for help had been pouring in earlier, she hadn't felt ready. :(