Guidance for a friend who is not ready to ttc?

[e&d]

I am worried about a very good friend of mine. I'm not sure how much to get involved here...I want to offer my opinion, but I don't want to meddle and I don't want to offend her.

The question is: if you had a friend who was ttc but clearly was not ready, would you tell her what you thought?
Most of us were surprised that she got married, since she had many doubts and she and her husband were in relationship counseling to repair their relationship prior to being married (not necessarily a bad thing, but...)
She says she knows she's not ready to have a baby, but feels she can't tell her husband because it will "open a can of worms" about her doubts about their relationship; she doesn't want to rock the boat
She has been participating in a major flirtation w/another guy at work, and called me one day a few weeks ago to say that she had decided to take the plunge and have an affair with him. I talked her off the ledge, but...
She and her husband have many unresolved problems in their relationship. They were in counselling but ended because their counselor became ill. She knows they need to resume but is angry at her husband bc he never takes charge of the therapy stuff...so she's waiting for him to find a new therapist. She's been waiting for several months now.
She is saying repeatedly over the last several weeks that she feels she is in a selfish stage of life, and wants to let her hair down and run wild and experience freedom. She feels her life is very boring and she wants to buy a motorcycle, take adventurous trips, etc. I told her she couldn't even go on a rollercoaster if she's pregnant, and she said, "you can't??"
She wrote me an email last week describing her attraction to the guy at work and problems communicating with her husband, but said when she thinks about it, she thinks calling off ttc is "not the right answer." Then she wrote, "is this how people end up pregnant and divorced?" I told her yes.


This is an overview of the situation. She is in individual therapy herself and I don't know if she's not discussing this with the therapist or what.

In my opinion, I didn't feel she should have gotten married with many of the issues going on in her relationship. Obviously it's not my place to say that, and I have just been a supportive friend. But this is different; this involves an innocent third person and she seems very clueless about the enormity of having a child and the changes it will bring to her life and her relationship. This is also difficult because I am 18 weeks pregnant and she tends to want to do the things I do in general.

She has gone off the pill and this is their first month of not protecting.

I'm really concerned, but I don't want to overstep my bounds. Suggestions? Ideas?

[Guinness]

Since I was the first to vote, I should explain my reasoning.

It sounds to me like you are a very close friend. I think she needs support mostly, along the lines of, 'you know it is okay not to be ready'. She sounds insecure and unhappy and is trying to 'fix' it. Worst possible way to fix a marriage and unhappiness is with a child, but none-the-less that is hard to see when you are in the situation I suspect.

I would approach her in a very positive manner, i.e. you want to see her happy and with all the other distractions in her life, maybe that is a huge red flag she shouldn't ignore. I know for myself I would want my closest friends to talk with me about this rather than feel it and not relay their thoughts to me. I might be mad at first, but would be ever grateful.

However, if you do talk with her, at the end of the conversation I would leave it as, 'I won't judge you for the decision you make and I will always be here for you no matter what'. In the end it is her decision, but you will have aired your concerns.

Hope it works out. She is lucky to have you as a friend!

[Reenie]

I voted for "yes," but not because you're a caring friend; you obviously are, but really, this has more to do with caring about the possible child.

It sounds like you and your friend are close enough to each other that you could discuss this with her; I would just tell her that you're not trying to start an argument and while she knows what is best for her, you feel that she doesn't really think this is best for her. Calmly explain the information outlined above, and ask her if she really thinks that it would be fair to anyone in that triangle of people (actually, if you want to get technical, it's a square because there is the man with whom she considered/is considering having an affair). I do think that she would listen to you because you said,and she tends to want to do the things I do in general; it sounds like she looks up to you/idolizes you in a way, so maybe you are the best person to discuss this with her.

I will tell you in advance, and I'm sure that you are already aware, that this kind of conversation is probably what your friend needs right now but could also potentially damage or ruin your relationship. Make sure that you are prepared for that and comfortable with that going into this conversation.

Best wishes!

[Delaney21]

I voted to say something to her.

I think you can say something to her because she has expressed a concern already and said she wasn't ready.

[MidwesternGal]

Well, I voted the 3rd choice, but not because I think that you should stay quiet. . . . but because I agree with the rest of the reasoning. . . that it's ultimately her life and she'll do what she wants anyway.

I would assume since you're that close of a friend (as you seem to be, since she is basically baring her heart to you), you would have expressed concern about the other aspects of her life, which she clearly disregarded, or perhaps took into consideration, then decided against.

I think this is a potentially damaging situation, for all involved, including unborn baby.

It also seems to me that she does realize that it's not the best time for her based on what she has hinted around in her emails, and perhaps all she needs is for you to agree with her about the concerns she's realizing--not necessarily lecture her on the rights and wrongs of her life decisions. That has potential to backfire.

If she opens up the forum, defintiely voice your concerns, but don't go overboard. . . . . . unless you're prepared to lose a friend over it.

[Georgiana]

Not trying to sound stand-offish,
But I voted to stay out of it. She is the one that has to walk in those shoes... Not you. Just be there for her as a friend and not her conscience (sp). You can tell her your opinion, but do not tell her what she should do. Because when sh*t hits the fan, you will be the one catching the flux of it all because you chose to be involved in her situation.
I'm telling you, When her and her husband enevitably fall out she will use you as an excuse possibly telling her DH that she chose not to have one because you advised her not to... it most likely will happen -she will do it to take the burden off her back and on to yours.

[PG-rated]

I think you should do exactly what you're doing now - waiting until she comes to you with questions, and giving guidance/voicing concerns then. I think you're probably safe following up a little bit more than you have already - for example, when she asks you if getting pregnant is a good idea, you can repeat something she's said to you, and ask her if that sounds like a good situation to bring a child into. But if you initiate the conversation, I think you're just setting yourself up for a backlash. She clearly cares about your opinion, so just stay by her side and offer advice and support whenever there's an opening to do so.

Good luck and I hope she makes the right decision!

[albuquerque]

You could have a long talk with her about it in ways that speak to her need for a sense of adventure in life right now, and try to help her see why she might regret it without telling her explicitly, I think if you do this you might regret it.

Since I've been pregnant, I've become more and more aware of the limitations that pregnancy and parenthood place on my life. You know ahead of time in the abstract that obviously it changes things, but if you talk her through the specifics, it might help her to visualize it. But don't phrase it as you can't eat sushi, you can't drink wine, you can't this you can't that. Since she looks up to you, phrase it more as if you're just telling her things that you've realized in your own pregnancy, but things that will help her understand what she's getting into.

Some of my own realizations since getting pregnant, and since watching up close as my cousin gave birth and her first few weeks with a newborn:

I didn't realize how much I'd miss the freedom to eat sushi and have a glass of wine when I feel like it. You think it isn't a big deal, but you know how strong a craving can be. And a craving you can't satisfy for nine months?

I didn't realize how much my energy would be sapped. I miss being able to go for a 6 mile run and how good that would make me feel about my body.

I knew that it would impact things like vacation plans, but it's one thing when you're thinking about it in the abstract, and another when it's reality and your friends have invited you to a beautiful, remote island where they have a house, and your doctor has vetoed it because you'll be in your seventh month and the place doesn't have good access to medical facilities. Or you realize that this is the first year in ten years that your work didn't make it impossible to go to an annual festival held in the city where you were born, that you've been dying to go back to one more time, but that you can't go because you'll be in your ninth month. Or that you can't go back to India, not this year and probably not for many, many years, and that your fantasy of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro is gone, not just for now, but quite possibly forever. (Obviously you don't climb Mount Kilimanjaro when you're pregnant, or have a baby. What about a toddler? No. An elementary school aged child? Hard to imagine. When baby is finally a teenager or a college student? Well, would I still be ABLE to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in 15 or 20 years?)

That once the baby comes, you don't have enough time to yourself to take a shower or even go to the bathroom at your leisure (my cousin had incontinence problems following the birth, but you can't just run to the toilet, you have to figure out where you can safely put down that baby!), without worrying where the baby is--forget spontaneous dinner plans or going out for a drink--where will you find a sitter at the last minute?

Your relationship with Baby's Father is changed forever. Your sex life (with Baby's Father or Mr. Flirt at the office)....well, what sex life? You have to depend on him in ways you never imagined before (to hold baby when you have to go to the bathroom!), and you are tied to him FOREVER. And not just to him, also to his family. To some degree, those other people have a tie to your child, and even if you get a divorce, that man and his family will be in your life FOREVER.

Your body, to some degree, is changed forever. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd wear a D cup bra!!

I could clearly go on and on and on, but I think it helps people to get a dose of realism when you say more than just "you give up a lot of freedom" and you cite some specifics--if you can give her a few from your life, maybe she'll begin to imagine a few from her own. I'm thrilled to be pregnant, I know I'm with the right man and I had lots of adventures before I got to this stage. But you sacrifice a lot when you go down this road, and I think *everybody* should be realistic about it before heading that direction.

[houseblend]

I agree with albuquerque - I would approach it more in the context of explaining to her what you are going through with your own pregnancy. If you let her in on all the hard things about pregnancy, I'm sure her ears would perk up and she would think a bit harder about it.

I think the best thing would be next time she broaches the subject, just ask her a lot of leading questions to get her thinking. I wouldn't outright tell her that you don't think she's ready, but let her know that parenthood is hard and that if she doesn't feel ready, that's okay, but maybe it's better to wait until she is ready.

[Rose]

You could try to have a heart to heart with her, it might make you feel better, but more than likely it won't change her mind.

[skyblu]

If you guys already talked about it and she said "Putting off TTC is NOT the right answer", then I think you have to back off.

We can all agree that the situation is not ideal, but many a wonderful child I know was born under less than ideal situations. Who are we to decide who is and is not ready to TTC?

It sounds like your friend has her eyes wide open. All you can do now is continue to be supportive of her in whatever she chooses to be. If she does get pregnant and gets divorced, God knows she'll need all the friends she can get. It's a tough road ahead, but she's a grown up.