Help! BIL wedding and Sis Graduation are Same Day!!

[MidwesternGal]

So I'm in a bit of a sticky situation here. . . .

My BIL is getting married May 20, 2006. My sister graduates from college that same morning. Fortunately, the college and city of the wedding are only an hour away from each other. . . . BUT. . . .

BIL and FSIL asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding!! They are planning their wedding for 3 or 4 p.m., with pictures beforehand. My sister's graduation is at 10:00 a.m., and should be done with around 11:30. That puts me up there around 12:30 or 1.

Is this workable? We told my MIL and she says just to wait to say anything until we actually go to order dresses, because she thinks they might not *actually* get married (long story). However, I feel guilty because I *KNOW* that it could be a crunch and I would want them to be able to find someone who can be there with FSIL and the family doing preparations the whole day, if they want that. (It'd be great if this wouldn't cause a problem, but ALL of my ILs are seriously craaaaaaazy and fairly self-centered and will probably flip out.).

Missing my sister's graduation ceremony is NOT an option because she A) is my sister and B) is joining the Peace Corp after graduation and I will have very few days left to see her before she leaves for 2 years.

Anyway, long story short. . . . what would you do if you were me? Would you tell right away or wait? Do you think it's workable if I would stay a BM?

Thanks!!!
ETA: I all ready agreed, it was before I found out my sister's graduation day.

[BethIrish]

I would probably explain the whole situation to the SIL and let her make the decision. Emphasize how important she is to you and how much you want to be a part of her special day, but that you don't want her to feel shortchanged because you have other obligations on 'her' day.

I'd also tell her now, not when you go to order dresses.

Good luck!

eta: I definitely think it's do-able, but I would check with your SIL first to make sure she's okay with you not being there the whole day!

[Zelda Von Yitz]

You could indeed do it.

Leave the BM dress with her where she is getting ready; you can have your hair done that morning and it'll still look pretty good for the afternoon.

Or you can opt for a French twist for the wedding; you can do that on your own; it's quick and easy to do.

[tenofcups]

It's definitely do-able, though it'll be a crazy day for you! I'd tell your SIL now what's going on and let her know that you'd still love to be a BM and could be there by about 12:30 or 1. She really shouldn't need you for anything before that, except maybe "bonding" type things like hair and makeup, and that's just going to have to be one of those things...

[Kimberland30]

I agree that you should definately tell her NOW rather than wait. Let her know that both are equally important to you, and if she's okay with the hectic schedule that you'll have that day (not being able to be with the bride all morning), then it shouldn't be a problem. As long as she knows up front, she knows what to expect.

[MidwesternGal]

Thanks for the replies!!

See, I was thinking I should say something now, but MIL was very against that, as she doesn't think they'll actually get married, and she wanted to avoid this "conflict" if possible. However, since it IS her kid, I went with her recommendation to begin with.

I talked to DH tonight and we agreed that I should email BIL. Now, I know that email isn't the ideal way to deal with this, but you need to know something about IL family: they only hear what they *think* they hear, and as soon as he understands that I *might* not be able to participate, BIL will think I just "don't want to" and it will turn into a HUGE mess. Trust me, I've seen it happen over the STUPIDEST things, so there's definite potential for it happening over the wedding. (All my ILs are drama-freaks!!)

For that reason DH wanted me to email him, so that way, he can't flip out and hang up on me before getting the whole story. (In person isn't an option as we live several hours away from each other). Plus, we have proof that I was trying to tell him in the most nicest, decent way possible, as BIL has a tendency to outright LIE about things, and we wanted hard evidence that I went about this in the nicest way possible in case BIL gets MIL and FIL upset over it.

Anyway, this is what I wrote, with DH approval:

Hi BIL,

I have something to tell you that I was hoping we could work around. My sister's graduation is the same day as your wedding. It is very important to her that I be there to see her walk across the stage, as she will be leaving shortly after for 2 years overseas with the Peace Corp.

DH and I discussed it and we thought that you might have a later wedding (5 or 5:30) so we were going to wait until you picked a time to talk to you about it. My sister's graduation is in GraduationCity at 10:00. She thinks the latest it would run would be 11:30ish. That would put me in WeddingCity at around 12:30-1:00, with just my dress to put on and spruce the makeup. Now, for a 3:00 wedding, that is cutting it close, but it is workable. I could get my hair done in GraduationCity before the graduation, and be back in time for (most) of the pictures, depending on what time you started. However, I wouldn't be able to spend the whole day preparing and bonding with everyone, and I COMPLETELY understand if you and FSIL would like someone else to be a Bridesmaid.

I am leaving it up to you and FSIL to decide what you'd like to do. I was so honored that you asked me to be in your wedding, it meant so much to me!! That's why I wanted to wait and see if it would work out or not. Again, I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY understand if you wish to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid in my place, since I will be missing part of the day.

Just let me know what you decide!

I think that's fairly well written. I'll let you all know what happens!! Hopefully my worry is for nothing!!!
Wish me luck!!

[southhavenjen]

I'm confused...why didn't you email the BRIDE or at least email them both?

[laura]

We moved our wedding to accommodate my SIL's (college) graduation - not assuming that will or should happen here, but May is a tricky month for that stuff.

I agree with everyone else that you could certainly do both, and any logical person should be able to see that. If it creates a bunch of unnecessary drama, I would personally just bow out of the wedding gracefully. Then again, we moved our wedding ahead 1 week so we were on our HM for my SIL's graduation, so I may not be the best person to ask.

[Jaycee]

First of all, I think you should be addressing the bride and not your BIL. I think the bride might be hurt by that, afterall you are supposed to be her bridesmade not your BIL's groomsman. Secondly, I think the letter comes across as too much, and looks like you are trying to make excuses. If it were me I'd make it as little of a deal as possible. Something like this:

Dear future SIL,
I wanted to shoot you an email to let you know of my schedule on the day of your wedding. As you may or may not know the wedding falls on the same day as my sisters graduation. The graduation is in the moring, and afterward I will shoot on over to wedding city. I should be able to get there no later than 1ish. That should give me enough time to slip on my dress and participate in the pictures. I don't foresee this conflicting with anything, but I thought it best to give you the heads up so that you don't include me in anything before 1.

Thanks,
me

[MidwesternGal]

I am in this wedding because I'm "family"--not because FSIL and I are close, or even really friends. That's why BIL got the email. I don't even have FSIL email or phone number.

I appreciate the suggestion about editing my email, but it's all ready been sent. I also don't think that my sister's graduation is an "excuse" for my schedule that day--it simply IS, and I feel that they have a right to know the reason why I can't participate until 1 p.m. That's why I worded it the way I did. Jaycee, yours is much better, I completely agree, but I can't change what I wrote now.

I would have made a much less of a "big deal" of it if I thought I could just bow out gracefully, but I AND my DH AND my MIL (remember, she didn't even want me to say anything until we bought the DRESS!) felt that if I just did that, they would take offense that I just didn't want to be in the wedding. Hence, I told them what was going on, how the day would work if they still wanted me in it, and let them know the decision was up to them on what to do.

Thanks for the replies--I appreciate everyone's support. I will let you know what happens.

I apologize if I didn't make some things clearer earlier--it's so hard to figure out what's necessary for the post and what just makes it drag on!!

Again, thanks, and I'll keep you posted!!

[Jaycee]

whats done is done, and I'm sure everything will work out fine. Let us know!!

[MidwesternGal]

Well, I heard back from BIL. . . . . I guess they are moving the wedding back to 4 or 5.

That was a completely unexpected gesture on their part!!! I am very flattered!!

In case all of you couldn't tell. . . . my relationship with in-laws isn't exactly all peaches and cream. . . .so I was super nervous. This had a good chance to go the other direction.

Again, thanks for all your support!!! I'm soooooooo relieved that it worked out!

:)