Thank you notes, still

[Larissa]

Finished last Thursday.

[tlew12778]

I'd put them in front of him and ask him to please write them out and get it over with bc it's irritating the crap out of you that they aren't done yet. Tell him exactly that you wrote here basically.

[BethIrish]

Ditto what tlew said. Also, remind him that for some reason, everyone thinks it's the bride's responsibility to write the thank yous....so if he doesn't do it, essentially his whole family is going to think you are rude and it's his fault.

(I had he same struggle w/my DH, so you're not alone!)

[kk junebug]

man! why didnt i think of having my hubby help w/the thank you's! i wrote all 110 by myself....even to the people who i didnt even know! hmmm..maybe next time (ha)

anyhoo...i would give your DH a written out template of what to write. this way, no thinking is involved...and he can copy it word for word and just insert each persons name, etc.

and just make him do it! tell him...again..how much it bothers you and writing thank you's does NOT take THAT much time in the grand scheme of things...

[lil_geek]

I am in the EXACT situation as you Larissa....

He has 15 ish left. I actually sat him down in front of them last week and he started. It is at the point HIS MOTHER wants to write them (oh yeah, that will look good!!!!). All are stampped and addressed. He has until Friday or my half are going out.

I wish I had a solution for you!!

[Larissa]

He has a written template. I even typed the template when he told me that my handwriting was tough to read.

I've sat him down and stated that 1-this was an agreement we had, 2-he's not holding up his end, 3-I'm very upset about it (I even cried at one point), and 4-everyone thinks it's the woman's job so it makes me look bad, not him. We've had this conversation at least 5 times in the past 4.5 months (I try not to make it too frequent so I'm not nagging).

He still hasn't done them. He claimed that since it's family he doesn't want each one to say the same thing. I told him people don't compare thank you notes, they just care about getting one. We've discussed that if he just did them, it'd take less than one hour so he could then play his computer game guilt-free.

I'm at my wits end about this. He does EVERYTHING else I say is super important to me. If it's super important that he help with my CV, he's there. Or that I don't do the dishes tonight, he does them. I've asked him why everything else, but not thank you notes? He has no answer (he's horrible at confrontation and just withdraws and shrugs).

[jajacobsen]

I would look at this situation this way:

1) Which is more important, making your DH full his fair share on this task or mitigating rudeness to your new family by writing the things yourself and acknowledging thier gifts? Even if they are his family, the gifts were to both of you, and so you are just as responsible for making sure they get acknowledged as he is. I would worry more about y new in-laws feelings and not want to offend them, so at this point, I would write the darn things. You may have an issue with your husband over this, but you don't want these people to have an issue with YOU.

2) It's only 13 items and you've already stamped and addressed the envelopes,. You can knock this out in one evening and getthe pain over with.

3) Then you have the issue with DH. If he is really great about helping with other things, I would overlook this one item, pointing out to him that I have done it and let it drop for the peace of your marriage. Sometimes spouses do things for each other that they can't do well or just hate to do. Maybe there are things that he does for you? It doesn't have to be "even steven" to be fair. Does that make sense?

[Larissa]

It's more important to me that he hold up his end of the deal, which was agreed upon before marriage. If I do them for him what kind of example am I setting for ending up doing all the thank you notes in the marriage? We discussed before marriage how we wanted things and top of my list was not to turn into how my mother is in my parents relationship. This feels like one step closer to being her to me.

If I do them how do I let him know that this was a one-time thing and I will never write his thank you notes for him again? I don't want to start a trend only to have him take advantage because I was the weakest will and the notes bugged me more.

[coquelicot]

I was sort of in the same boat. I told DH that if he would do the TY notes for the people that I didn't know, as well as for some of his family, I'd do the rest--including some of his family. Considering that his family is much larger than mine, it was only fair that I do some of them, too. I ended up doing the overwhelming majority of the TY notes, including some of the ones that I had asked him to do. His excuse was that I had better handwriting, spelling, and grammar skills.

To me, it was more important just to get them done and get them out of the way so we could concentrate on other things. Considering that we had just moved, we only had 54,300 other things to take care of. I guess you're putting more weight on it than I did. I didn't see it as "giving in." I saw it as "not sweating the small stuff."

In marriage, you're going to have to pick your battles. If he's good about helping you with other things, I'd just let this one go and get it done. You've reasoned with him the best you can. After a certain point, it turns into nagging--even if it's "deserved" nagging. One option is to bargain with him--you can do the TYs if he'll do your usual chores to give you the time to do so. That way, he's not totally getting off scot-free.

[villanelle75]

My desire not to be rude to our guests woudl have outweighed the stuggle of control with DH. To have taken more than 4 months to thank my guests would be mortifying and I would have sent them out long ago, no matter what my agreement with DH was. Perhaps you could send them out now and not tell DH, and let him send a second one form himself when he gets around to is. That way, you get your guests thanked ASAP, as is warranted, but he doesn’t get out of his obligation. Those guests might think it was odd to get two nots, but better that than continuing to keep them strung along.

[GeekGirl]

I'm lucky in that my DH wrote out his thankyous the same night I asked him to do it. That's not to say, however, that he hasn't done things that drive me batty, and that I haven't fantasized about passive-aggressive ways to "get even". :p

Like holding his computer hostage. Password protected, anyone?

Or writing apology notes to those 13 relatives for my DH's rudeness.

Or "forgetting" the things that my DH asked me to do that are important to him...

Of course, you can't really do these things in real life. But it's fun to fantasize about. If it were me, I would probably just tell him that enough is enough, and sit him down with the TYs and a pen and wait while he finishes them ALL. Right then and there, before he signs in to his computer game or anything else. Or else no blow jobs for him! :p ;)

[maplekitty]

My desire not to be rude to our guests would have outweighed the stuggle of control with DH. To have taken more than 4 months to thank my guests would be mortifying and I would have sent them out long ago, no matter what my agreement with DH was.

I agree

13 thank you notes, in my opinion, are much too petty of a thing to sit and wait out your husbands proscrastination.

you've only been married 5 months, this really isn't something to start your first married argument over....

[tenofcups]

you've only been married 5 months, this really isn't something to start your first married argument over....


Actually, I think it's *exactly* the kind of thing that is worth fighting over. As you mentioned, Larissa, setting precedents and that kind of thing. I'd hate to see you give on this and be back in a few months talking about how he doesn't ever do the things he said he would do...

At any rate, I'd do *again* exactly what you've already done. Sit down with him tonight--explain all the points again and ask him to do it NOW. Not tomorrow, not after a game, NOW.

If he won't do it, ask HIM what you're supposed to do--come right out and ask what it's going to take for him to honor the commitment he's made.

[usafwife]

My desire not to be rude to our guests woudl have outweighed the stuggle of control with DH. To have taken more than 4 months to thank my guests would be mortifying and I would have sent them out long ago, no matter what my agreement with DH was.

I agree as well. I don't think I could have taken four months to write our thank you notes even if I had wanted to. I was raised in that I get the thank you note sent within a reasonable time after the event (birthday, graduation, Christmas, etc).

I had to write all of our thank yous. I got the excuses that my handwritting, spelling, and grammer skills were better than his. I could only write a few at a time because I had health issues going on at the time so it did take me a little while to get all 80+ out but I still had them out within two weeks. I had them addresssed ahead of time. My DH did help me in putting them in the envelopes and putting the stamps on them.

I am still waiting on a thank you for a gift we gave someone for their wedding. It's been 4+ years and still no thank you. Not sure if they never got it, didn't like it, or something else. We are waiting on a thank you from a baby gift as well. It was sent almost a year ago and still haven't heard a word from them either (one of my cousins and his wife). And my mom is still waiting to hear from another one of my cousins regarding a wedding gift she sent over a year ago. We have no idea if they didn't receive the gifts or what happened. It's very annoying wondering what has happened. So I'd say that simply getting a thank you sent to your guests is the most important. Whether you write it or your DH writes it. Just get it sent.

[BethIrish]

I agree that these somehow need to get sent out, but I really think he needs to do it. I wound up doing many of the ones that were on DH's list, and it still irritates me almost 3 years later.

We are now facing thank yous for baby gifts, and I have no idea how I'm going to get DH on board with writing those. He will do some - even if I have to sit there and dictate what he is writing.

[boilermaker]

I'll admit to mitigating rudeness. I refused to do the ones on DH's list. I gave him the list (which he agreed to), the stationary and address list. I have no idea if he did them or not, but I am guessing not. It hasn't affected my relationship with his family best I can tell.

To me, this set the precedent that he is responsible for half the communications...he does the Christmas cards to his family, he gets and sends their bday gifts, etc. I don't mind helping and I will often pick up gifts here and there that I know the person will like, but it is not soley my responsibility to keep track of his family obligations.

[j*east]

I agree with the precedent setters. I'd hold out and make him do them, and I would sit him down again and say, "This is really unacceptable to me and here's why, and I need you either to do them, make a plan to do them (one per day or whatever), or explain to me with more than "I don't know" why you can't do them. It's not okay with me to do them for you, and it's not okay with me to have you not do them." I think you can say this all without yelling (which is important for me and my DH).

It's really, really important that your DH and you learn to have and handle conflict in a healthy way, not avoid it. It seems like avoiding conflict isn't that hurtful, but it is!

Good luck. I really believe that setting the boundaries of your relationship is more important than observing etiquette, or at least in this situation, for me, it would be.

ETA: For the record, DH did all the notes for his people, and I did those for mine.

[ejs]

DH and I agreed that he would send thank you notes to "my side" of the list and I would send them to him. It soon became clear that that wouldn't work.

I'm a writer and editor, so any type writing is a piece of cake to me. My DH is an engineer-type and absolutely hates writing. He made an attempt at thank you notes. Even if I gave him an idea about what to say, he was very, very uncomfortable writing them. It was sad to watch him struggle. My deadline of a thank you note going out within two days of receiving a gift didn't help him either.

So we revised our deal. He had to only write one or two notes on the days we received gifts. I wrote the rest. I was happy because he was helping. And he was happy because he didn't have to write that many. I also made sure that he got to write them to his friends.

There are many things in our relationship that he is better at than I am, and many things at which I excel. That's life. We each do what we're stronger at because it makes our lives easier. I would never force him to do something to teach him a lesson. I also would not compromise my idea of etiquette in order for him to learn something.

[Larissa]

I can't figure out how to quote all the things I want to.

coquelicot- Your idea of bargining chores was brillant. I offered to trade chores with him and chose laundry as the traded chore (I do all the laundry in the house). He said no, that he'd do the notes. I asked if there was another chore he'd perfer traded and he declined the entire offer.

villanelle75- The two notes thing is also a good idea. However, I just looked through the notes that he has yet to do and everyone of those people would be the type to let him know that they got his note (like his Nan).

maplekitty- Oh, this isn't our first fight ;) International move to another culture = lots of tiffs.

tenofcups- Thanks for the advice! I agree that this is worth fighting over in *our* relationship.

boilermaker- I tried not looking to see if he'd done them, but in our small one-bedroom flat with no built-in storage, it was kinda hard to avoid :)

j*east- I think, generally, we handle conflict in healthy ways. We haven't yelled about this, although I did cry, which wasn't fair to him. He's an only child and I'm the bossy oldest child. Combine that with the fact that he's British and I'm American and occassionally you have trouble. All this being said...
_____________________

I stooped to a low. He wrote thank you notes last night while I worked on a job application. I told him that I was frustrated and complained about his behaviour on the internet, which annoyed him. He HATES it when I complain about his behaviour to anyone but him. I explained that I wanted hints and tips since me talking to him wasn't working. We have an agreement, he finishes the notes (or trades for a chore) and I delete this post.

I discovered something else as well. Most of his thank you notes that are left are to his friends. Rather than keeping them short and sweet he's writing a freaking book (2 notes in 2 hours = book). When I pointed out that that wasn't necessary and he could just tell them most of this stuff on the phone he declined to do so and said that he wanted to continue writing long notes to them.

He has 6 more to do. We don't have an agreement as to when they will get done because that hasn't seemed to work in the past. I still haven't decided when I will step-in and finish them, if I will let him sign them if I finish them myself (we've both signed all of them so far), or how on earth I'll control my anger of having to do them myself.

[j*east]

Larissa, I'm glad you're working things out. What I meant in speaking abotu conflict was in response to this comment: If it's super important that he help with my CV, he's there. Or that I don't do the dishes tonight, he does them. I've asked him why everything else, but not thank you notes? He has no answer (he's horrible at confrontation and just withdraws and shrugs).

I'm glad he's made a start, and I like your bargain. I hope it works out and you can delete this.

[boilermaker]

I'm glad you reached an agreement. If all he has left are the ones to his friends, I wouldn't worry about it. He'll get to them eventually :)

I find it funny that he agreed to do them after finding out you posted here. Sounds like an easy compromise to me. I can't wait to see this thread disappear.

[DallasLady]

This is a tough one. I wouldn't want to back down on it, but I would be so embarrassed to have let that long go by without getting the notes out. I'd probably end up just doing them but making sure he knew how upset I was that I had to do them.

(FWIW, I wrote all our Thank You notes. That kind of thing is just not important to most men, and if I'd waited for him they would have never got done.)

[jessesgirl]

(FWIW, I wrote all our Thank You notes. That kind of thing is just not important to most men, and if I'd waited for him they would have never got done.)

I did too. I didn't see the point in separating it out when we are pretty close with eachother's friends and family.