Meeting SO's kids for the first time

[maxandmolly]

I haven't had to do it in a while, since long before I understood what a big deal it can be. Well, called the BF a little while ago to confirm plans for to come over tonight (he works nights, I work days, hard to see each other sometimes, live an hour away from each other, etc), he says he has to go in at 10 tonight so I can still come over if I really want but he was thinking instead maybe it would be better if I came over Friday night and spent the night.
Stunned silence on my end.
But, you have your kids Friday night, right?
Well, I've talked to them about you, you've talked to them on the phone a few times, I think it's time for them to meet you.
Now, we've been dating for like 6 weeks, give or take (if you include IM and phone), and just got the 'official' title last weekend. This was about the last thing I expected him to tell me when I called today (with a hundred other things on my mind, having kind of a crappy day to start with), and I trhink my reaction of utter, stunned, silence (I am NEVER silent) sorta disappointed him. I mean, we had conversations early on about how hard it is to know when the 'right' time to introduce someone to your kdis is, and we pretty much agreed (even though I only had an ex's kid I still hang out with to intreoduce to new BF's) that it shouldn't be before you're reasonably sure that person is sticking around.
So, advice? Thoughts?

[Irish Elf]

my advice? Don't spend the night with him if he has the kids. Always a bad idea. Could piss off the mother and she could make life miserable for your BF.

I'd feel different if y'all had been dating longer.

How old are the kids?

[maxandmolly]

4 & 7, and yeah, I kinda felt the same way about the overnight aspect, at least at this point. I think he got that, too, because then he changed it to dinner. Still, it's terrifying, meeting his kids!

[Irish Elf]

Something to make you laugh:
When i first met my stepmother (who I love dearly) I gave her a questionaire that my brother and I had made. It had questions like do you like kids, do you like pets, etc. The last question was do you like to kiss and we told her that was dad's question. :D

[Kimberland30]

Oh boy, that's a doosey. When I met a BF's kids for the first time it was always nerve racking. IMO, I wouldn't meet them over dinner. Could you maybe get together at a park or something? I know you are an hour away, but would your schedules open up a Saturday or Sunday afternoon? The reason I say a park is because over dinner it's just so "intense". I'd rather meet kids on their own turf than sit through a meal with them (unless it was a McDonald's) :)

I agree with not spending the night. There is the ex to think about, the kids to think about (who may or may not understand what's going on). Most of my ex-BF's have had kids (I have two myself), and that part is always touch and go. There really is no time period to wait, but you'll know when it's time.

Good luck!

[maxandmolly]

He just called back (to cancel tonight, since he now has to go into work at 6, not 10 :( ), and he also told me he knew he had shocked me. I told him it certainly wasn't that I don't want to meet them, but it shocked the daylights out of me, especially since I have a 100 other things on my mind, most of it not good.
He said that he has talked to them about me, they've talked to me on the phone, and they're asking to meet me, and he thinks it's time, he knows it's a sorta big deal thing, but that's ok.

[pride&prejudice]

He said that he has talked to them about me, they've talked to me on the phone, and they're asking to meet me, and he thinks it's time, he knows it's a sorta big deal thing, but that's ok.

At least he understands this. I have a friend, K, who has 3 children and is dating, and he said the hardest things at first for him was to understand that having kids really was a big deal with the SO.

I agree with not meeting at dinner or spending the night. The two women that K dated last, he took them on a day trip with the kids to a park or DC or something like that. This was after he had told them about the woman and they wanted to meet her. It seemed to work out. He thought that waking up the next morning and having the SO might be a little weird for the kids.

I think its wonderful that they want to meet you! :D

[maxandmolly]

He is absolutely intent that we are going out to a nice dinner. With a 4 & 7 year old. :confused: Personally I think it's a recipe for disaster, but he says they're used to going to nice places and know how to behave. He can be very stubborn sometimes, and he's being that way about this. I think McDonald's and the park would make more sense, but oh well. Then he wants to rent a couple movies and go back to his place for movies and popcorn. We'll see, maybe I can still talk him out of a sit down dinner. You know, or once I meet the kids, we can gang up on him. When I had his daughter on the phone the last time, I got her to tell Daddy that we both think "Daddy needs shave". The first time I complained about his goatee (or what he is passing off as a goatee), he said his daughter had told him the same- get rid of it!

[SaphirimalMei]

No doubt about it...meeting a SO's kids is a stressful situation.

In my case, DHs kids were 9 (almost 10) and 5 when we met. My anxiety at meeting them turned out to be much worse than the reality. What made it easier for me is that Gaelyn & Lizza loved me from the get-go. They were such open warm friendly, smart and funny girls that I couldnt help loving them too.

I hope that when the time comes for you to meet your SOs kids that it goes smoothly. I'm sure it won't be as terrible as you are worried it will be. :)

[bunnyboo]

I agree that meeting the kids is a big...HUGE thing.

For me, I'm the one with the kid and it took me about 4 months before I introduced the two. For me, I had to KNOW that this was going to last and that it was going to be a long relationship. Of course its still new and everything seems to be going well, but for me I had to wait it out as long as possible. Kids are not ignorant and if they don't ask the questions I would be willing to bet questions are brewing in their heads. Especially at 4 & 7.

I personally would wait to meet them, but if you do choose to meet them soon I would definitely do it in a neutral location where the kids feel comfortable. Good luck!

[maxandmolly]

Personally, I don't think I'd wait four months- if I'm going to invest that much time in someone, I'd want to know that they would get along with my kids (well, ok, I only have one I borrow, but the theory is the same), and I think that's where he's coming from, too, from things he's said in the past.
If it were sooner after the divorce and they were still adjusting to mommy & daddy being apart, I might be more concerned, but they are long past that stage. Mom has a live-in boyfriend (the one he came to find her naked with while his kids were in the other room!), and they seem to understand that mommy & daddy aren't getting back together.
I am fully prepared for a barrage of questions from both of them. Also, he's about the least impulsive, most level headed person I know, so he wouldn't suggest this unless he was sure it was right, and they're his kids, so I'm trusting him to know what's best for them.
Still nervous though!
And thanks for all the advice- I'll let you all know how it goes!

[bunnyboo]

It's a good feeling to know that your BF being the non-impulsive person that he is has thought it out that much and wants you to meet the rest of his family then!

Yeah in my case this was the first boyfriend that my son had met, before that he only knew his dad and I together which would probably explain why I waited so long to introduce. It was all new for me too!

Good luck, make sure and update! :)

[SaphirimalMei]

Mom has a live-in boyfriend (the one he came to find her naked with while his kids were in the other room!), and they seem to understand that mommy & daddy aren't getting back together. OMG. I almost could have written that myself. The EX is no longer with that guy, but has a whole new live-in. Well...her loss is my gain. I'm just sorry that the kids had to go through all that.

[maxandmolly]

My thoughts exactly! The last time it came up, I told him to remind me to thank her.

[monique]

I would go and meet the kids but staying the night is a no no when the kids are around. It is sad that the mother is not setting a good example for them with the live-in so it is up to the both of you to try and instill some values in them. Have your stay the nights when the kids are at the moms but should you get married later down teh road and they grow up wanting to have boyfriends/girlfriends spend the night when they are 18 and you tell them no, they will throw this in your face. I dated someone with a kid and I never stayed the night when he was around.

[Melne11]

I remember meeting MANY of my parents SO's after their divorce. We were older so my sisters and I understood the whole dating thing. When ever we met them, it was always at the house. Many of Dad's girlfriends came over for a dinner or a BBQ. That seemed the least threatning than a dinner in a resturant would be.

As far as actually meeting them. I don't think there is anything that you could do wrong, unless you like threaten them or something outragous that I'm sure you wouldn't do. I think the kids will get the vibe that their Dad really likes this girl (you) and so it's okay for them to like her (you) as well. You should be fine.

Good Luck!!!
-Mel