I have to move out?!?!?!?!?!?!

[dragonfly28602]

Ohhhkay... Well I get to work this morning and P calls me. He says he sees im not happy, he's not happy and he doesn't know what to do. So apparantly I'm moving to my parents house for a while tonight. Im not sure wether to pack just some clothes and see what happens, or take boxes of stuff that are mine.
Keep in mind i'm floored by this, hysterical--but trying to work at my job today. But I don't want to make the situation worse by being the smartass that I can be. I told him I was happy which I am, but he argued that I'm not. Any advice is appreciated ladies as I'm pretty much hysterical at this point.

[greenbunny]

What? Why do you have to be the one to go? If he's the one who's unhappy, he should leave! Obviously he's known about this problem and you haven't, so he could have planned for a temporary place to stay. Dropping a bomb on you and shoving you out the door is heartless.

[EmilyBronte]

I agree with greenbunny - if he's unhappy and insistent that you are too, then he should be the one finding another place to stay!

[Marie]

That was quite a bombshell to drop on you at work. :mad:

I'm with the others though, why doesn't he leave?

[nic]

He certainly doesn't have good timing. I'd be pissed if Dh called me at work with something like that.

You need to sit down and talk with him anbout this. Also, I agree with the others, if he's unhappy he should be the one moving out.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

[jimmysgirl424]

A phone call at your job ??? Not only heartless, but completely a coward's way out!! :mad: He knows you can't freak out there, or break out in tears, or scream and yell, or even argue! Sheesh. If he is unhappy, he should definitely be the one looking for a place to go, not trying to banish you to your parents house!!

[BethElena]

does not seem like a manly thing to do. :mad: i would definitely sit down and talk to him -- he should be the one "temporarily moving out". It's obvious that he has the problems, since he seems to know about them!

[dragonfly28602]

Well the only issue is that its HIS house. Im not on the mortgage, cause he built it before I moved in. He said that things went too fast and apparantly his mom said something about me not looking happy... WTF. I do everything at that house... cook, clean, laundry, potty training the new puppy. And I'd like to see him make it on his salary. HA!
I just went to my moms and she said its not my fault.. hes the one with the issue. But yes, the calling me at work at 7am COMPLETELY caught me off guard. I think after work im going home, getting some clothes and going to my parents. Maybe he just need to see what its like without me there. But I will say this.. if he does decide to end this... ANYTHING that I paid for is leaving with me. Including the telephone and satellite, dishes, towels.. etc.
My heart is broken right now.
k

[keska]

{{{HUGS}}}. That was really low of him to call you at work. He could at least have waited to sit down with you and talk about it. I'm sorry you're going through this today.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Well the only issue is that its HIS house. Im not on the mortgage, cause he built it before I moved in. He said that things went too fast and apparantly his mom said something about me not looking happy... WTF.

Holy CHRIST.

Did he actually say or implicate that you had to be the one to leave because it's *his house*?

If so? WOW, has this guy got issues with money! Apparently he never understood the concept that *your* money and *his* money becomes *our money* -- are you guys married? or living together?

At any rate, he's got issues with money.

And I also suspect this guy never untied the apron strings -- something else is in the mix here and maybe his mother has a big hand in this.

It was cowardly and cruel for him to call you, period and to tell you this! And at work yet? Wow...this had to hit you like a ton of shitbricks!

DO NOT leave that house if you are married to him. Go NOWHERE until you speak to an attorney -- your H. can say you abandoned him.

At any rate, I'd have had an issue moving into a house he owned -- the horse is out of the barn on this one, but the best way to have gone about this was to find lodging where you'd both be on equal turf -- in other words, where the apartment, condo or house or whatever it was was "our place."

[dragonfly28602]

My boss, bless her heart, told me I could go home. But since Im not actively crying, id rather get my 8 hours in and then go. Just so I don't have to make up the time.
I'll let him take care of the dog. Because he likes to dilly-dally on the way home from work. Now HE will have to come straight home and take care of things. He paid for it anyway, so I don't want to make a big deal. Maybe just a wakeup call is needed. (Pray that's all it is for me)
Not to be concieted, but I feel I'm a great girlfriend. I take care of stuff. Take care of him, buy him things, love him. I give200% to my relationship. I just don't understand what he's unhappy about. And he says he can't explain it. its just a feeling :(

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Okay...you're a gf, then.

This is still a shockeroo -- who mature and caring drops a bombshell like this on anyone, let alone a significant other?

This guy needs to grow a spine and drop news like this tactfully and gently -- and he also needs to grow up.

[dragonfly28602]

Holy CHRIST.

WOW, has this guy got issues with money! Apparently he never understood the concept that *your* money and *his* money becomes *our money* -- are you guys married? or living togehter?

At any rate, he's got issues with money.

And I also suspect this guy never untied the apron strings -- something else is in the mix here and maybe his mother has a big hand in this.

It was cowardly and cruel for him to call you, period and to tell you this! And at work yet? Wow...this had to hit you like a ton of shitbricks!

.

My sentiments exactly. We are just dating. I was living in fla, met him on cavation and he talked me into moving back to nc with him. (i am originally from this town, so my parents are here)
He does have issues with money. Spends it like theres no tomorrow. So i end up making up the difference in the bills. Which stops now! But the concept of the apron strings.. Let me ask you this.. He's 33 his brother is 38 neither married or girlfriend for the brother. I think the mother has alot to do with this.. Before I came inot the picture, she managed his money, cleaned his house, did his laundry...Don't get me wrong... He has NEVER acted like a mammas boy. But I'm beginning to wonder.

[IrisHope]

Yeah, since you're his girlfriend then I do understand why you have to move out. How long have you two been together?

[dragonfly28602]

10 months
and two weeks ago we were talking about the neighbors upcoming wedding at their house. He said that ours would be at the church. he didn't like the home wedding idea. WTF

[IrisHope]

and you say he's acted perfectly normal and happy until this mornings phone call?

[nylons73]

Having been broken up with by an ex-BF while at work - and over email to boot! (talk about coward city) I can empathize with what you are going through. I am so sorry that this is happening!

I think you are doing a smart thing. Let him see what it's like when you are not there and, while you are gone, reevaluate for yourself, on your own terms, whether you really want to be with him. Remember- he's not the only decision-maker in this duo. You can make as many choices as he can!! Don't let him get away with making you feel like crap!

sorry for my superfluous use of exclamation points! heh heh Can you have lunch/dinner with a girlfriend? My girlfriends always, always, always make me feel better!!

[Bellefior]

Not to be concieted, but I feel I'm a great girlfriend. I take care of stuff. Take care of him, buy him things, love him. I give200% to my relationship. I just don't understand what he's unhappy about. And he says he can't explain it. its just a feeling :(

Sounds like you are the one doing all the giving in this relationship. I say go to your parents and let him see what its like to go it alone, sounds like he always had someone to do everything for him. I also say if he is throwing you out, and I don't see how you can call it anything else, I would take everything that you paid for with you NOW. Why leave it there for him to use?

PS. I kind have been where you were. My 1st fiance' decided to break up with me over the phone long distance after we found out my mother had a terminal illness and I was pushing him to set a wedding date while she was still around. I think if anyone is going to break up with someone, it should be done in person--phone, e-mail and snail-mail are the coward's way out. Hugs to you, you will get through this, and sounds like you have supportive parents.

[jellybeany]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are going through this. He was completely inappropriate and cruel to call you at work and do this! :mad:

[pride&prejudice]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this! I had a breakup over email at work, so I can sympathize with that shock. :mad:

[dragonfly28602]

Everyones comments are so great and appreciated. Im just so sick now. I dont know what to do. **sigh** **sniff**

[jimmysgirl424]

{{{hugs}}} to you. Hang in there!

[Holls]

I'm with Nylons73 get with your girls tonight ... talks lots of trash (that you prob don't mean) and just VENT! Sorry this happened, but just remember all the other people you have in your life. You obviously have a supportive family that is willing to help you out in these tough spots in your life... GOOD LUCK!

[cakes]

Ugg!!! I had my ex do this too, very similar situation, just a little over a year ago. I though I was going to die and somehow had to make it through work. I totally know what you're going through right now. I felt SO blindsided. We'd just spent a great weekend together, talked about our "wedding" and then on Monday via email tells me he thinks I need to move out!!! It was his house too, so I had to be the one that left. That was the hardest thing to do, especially becuase I had to leave my pets behind and only had enough time to come in a grab clothes for a day or two before he would be home.

I stayed w/ my mom for a week and then moved into my own apartment. Let me tell you it was the BEST thing I've ever done. The whole ordeal made me much much stronger and independent than I ever thought I could be.

<<HUGS>>

[Chris'slady]

were in NC are you?

[dragonfly28602]

The thing that sucks is i have no friends up here.. well just one. I have several acquaintences that I see, but nobody close. I know i will get through this... but right now it sucks.

[dragonfly28602]

hickory

[Chris'slady]

i live in greensboro, how far are you from here.

[dragonfly28602]

thats a straight shot on I40 about 1.5 hours.

[Chris'slady]

Oh, that's not a bad drive.

on the 26 of this month, a few of the nc girls are getting together, at ruby tuesdays in the four seasons mall behind jcpennys, it is southerner, amtaylore and psych101 i think that is her sn im not sure but their are 2 more and we are trying to get more so I'am speaking for all of us when i say come on up.

And if you need anything let me know.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

My sentiments exactly. We are just dating. I was living in fla, met him on cavation and he talked me into moving back to nc with him. (i am originally from this town, so my parents are here)
He does have issues with money. Spends it like theres no tomorrow. So i end up making up the difference in the bills. Which stops now! But the concept of the apron strings.. Let me ask you this.. He's 33 his brother is 38 neither married or girlfriend for the brother. I think the mother has alot to do with this.. Before I came inot the picture, she managed his money, cleaned his house, did his laundry...Don't get me wrong... He has NEVER acted like a mammas boy. But I'm beginning to wonder.

This guy's not a good bet for you: you can see he's got money problems, he can't take care of himself and there are a host of other problems.

What do you want? A decent, dependable man who is emotionally mature enough to pull his load in a relationship -- or some sponge who lets YOU make up the difference in bills?

What kind of respect is that for you? None.

You've lost nothing here. Be glad this happened now instead of way down the line after you married this jerk.

And this guy can't fend for himself. You fell into a classic pattern: you did exactly the same thing his mother did: picked up after him and he sat there and most likey never lifted a finger.

Find yourself a guy who is decent -- and you'd be wise to see a counselor so that you don't hook up with somebody like this ever again.

I guarantee you this jerk would have bled you dry. And I'll bet that he's either out of work or has a job and pisses away every penny of it. Am I right on this one?

And even that break up phone call -- wtf is this? It sounds like something out of Seinfeld! You can see this guy has a yellow streak as wide as the Grand Canyon: he didn't even have the decency to do it in person; this is somebody who's relationship material? I don't think so.

I'd pack it in and go back to Florida. You've lost nothing here at all.

You got no closure on this and that itself sucks. ("Write" him a "Dear Jerk" letter -- really have at it -- and then don't send it; rip it up or delete it from your computer. It's cathartic and a great way to get rid of a lot of anger)

[Daniel's Kitty]

Sorry to hear about this.

[Irish Elf]

"He said that things went too fast and apparantly his mom said something about me not looking happy... WTF."
Translation - mommy dearest has way too much control in his life and is likely behind much of this.

get out while you can. I dated a guy who had a mom like this. When he bought his first house we had been dating a year, but his mom helped him decorate b/c she had such good taste (not).

What a jerk for doing it on the phone.

i would take the dog b/c I'm guessing if you leave it the loser BF will not take care of it. He won't suddenly change and be responsible. If you love the dog, keep him safe and healthy with you.

[Hangin'in]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. But if his mom has this much control now, you can NOT expect it to get better if you get married... then you are stuck making him choose between you and his mother. I agree with everybody here and say move on (with your dog).

[dragonfly28602]

There's no way I can send personal replies to everyone.. Im having a hard time even typing. :o But Everyone's input is so very appreciated. This did hit me like a freight train. I know that things will change or I will have to move on. But boy am I dreading talking to him tonight if hes home. Im not 100% sure if he's going to be there. And I know he's being a putz, but it makes me feel like a failure.
Kara

[IrisHope]

Oh sweetie, this has absolutely no reflection on you. You are not the failure.

[sparkle&shine]

Before I came inot the picture, she managed his money, cleaned his house, did his laundry...

I bet his Momma is over there ASAP to help him out. Sorry that it happened but it may be better in the longrun.
Poor thing. What a wuss for him to do that to you at work.

[MandyMaloo]

Eeek--this isn't going to go well. I have dated guys that had some *mom* issues...and it never ended well. I have no idea about the details in your personal life, but something isn't adding up with your guy's story. He's blaming this thing on the fact that "you didn't look happy"? He's making an excuse for something else. Something else is going on here and he's trying to make it look like "this is what is best for you since you arn't happy". If you are feeling fine with the relationship, I would get out now. Unfortunatly, when something like this happened to me, there was another woman involved--and it wasn't his mother.

I just want to make sure you are alright. It's not my place to judge this guy, but having been in situations like this myself, I would say do whatever it is you need to do to get this guy out of your hair.

Tonight, maybe just run over and grab some clothes and everything, and if he happens to be there, I would put on the front that you are fine with this. I would say something like "well, I was fine before all of this, and I'm going to be fine now. If you need time, take it. Call me when you're ready."

If he truly loves you--He'll call. I promise. If it takes awhile for him to call, something else is going on. Either he can't function without you there, or he just doesn't want the responsability of taking care of a house on his own.

Please be careful. I'm sure he was a great guy before this happened, but it sounds like his true colors are coming out now, and you're seeing another side of him you shouldn't have to put up with.

I am in Raleigh, NC, and if you just wanna chat or maybe get together sometime to get your mind off this guy, just let me know! My AOL name is in my profile. Good luck--and please let us know how things go for you!!

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Also, protect your assets.

If he has access to any of your bank funds, protect them! Get all the numbers changed on accounts that solely belongs to you -- you never know with somebody like this.

Even though this house was legally his, sounds to me like you were the consierge, the controller of funds, the maid, the cook, the valet and the love machine. (a dime says his mother got him this house, also -- or mayBE this house is really hers and he never fessed up on that; just a long shot but it's possible I'm right) Who needs a guy like this?

I cannot figure out how a guy who cannot handle money got the money for a house. That in itself is mindboggling.

Guys like this never change: if he's bad with money now, he always will be. And if his mother has such a heavy hand in his life, it isn't lilkely that will ever change, either.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

If he truly loves you--He'll call. I promise. If it takes awhile for him to call, something else is going on. Either he can't function without you there, or he just doesn't want the responsability of taking care of a house on his own.

Not for nothin', Mandy, but it sounds to me like he's already made up his mind on this one. When somebody gives you a message like that, there's usually no two ways around it.

[imagirliegirl]

My advice? Take your dog and lose this guy.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I've been in a similar situation. My ex constantly reminded me that we lived in HIS house and that I had no stake in it. Basically, he could tell me to leave whenever he pleased and I could do nothing about it. Sure he was right, but who would do that to someone they love? The first time he pulled that shit on me, I should have left.

He's showing you his true colors in what he's doing, do not ignore it. Go to your parents and do something for yourself. You won't be sorry. It feels bad now but that will pass.

Take care.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

My advice? Take your dog and lose this guy.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I've been in a similar situation. My ex constantly reminded me that we lived in HIS house and that I had no stake in it. Basically, he could tell me to leave whenever he pleased and I could do nothing about it. Sure he was right, but who would do that to someone they love? The first time he pulled that shit on me, I should have left.

Precisely. That "yours" and "MINE" bullshit has no place in a relationship where a couple is one unit and on equal footing.

When there's such a line of demarcation regarding finances, there's also no equality in the realtionship. Not to mention no respect and therefore, no love for the other person.

When you are living together/married, both your paychecks and whatever money each of you receives should go into a joint checking account -- and all household expenses are paid from there: rent or mortgage, utilities, both your auto insurance, etc.

That said, this guy very aptly proved that he is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship and he's also not ready to be committed to one person.

Getting back to the role his mother played: sometimes its a cultural thing -- that's widespread in Middle East and Asia and also in Central and South America and in a lot of the European countries as well. What it is is that whatever the mother says GOES, no questions asked -- cultural differences can frowl up a relationship.

The cultural way of life is precisely that to the person from that culture -- a way of life -- and no way it can be bucked or breached.

My good friend has been putting up with cultural problems from her bf Ray for eight years. Ray is first generation American -- the dad still lives in the Netherlands (was born there also) and yep...whatever the dad says GOES.

The dad doesn't like my friend because she is divorced with three kids. Daddy also makes it known that when he comes here for a visit -- which is several times a year for several weeks at a clip -- that the GF cannot stay in the same house with him being there. Ray complies.

I can't tell you how many times Ray's father has been outwardly nasty and crude to my friend. Ray won't stick up for her, which is a whole other thread in itself.

It's interesting to note Ray is 52 and has never been married.

[lml41981]

Sorry this happened to you!

I did want to offer a flip side on the mom issue... DH's mother is sometimes completely out of control. We broke up in May of 1999 because I was going to college in August of 1999 and his mom thought he needed to "stop wasting time with a girl who is leaving and find a wife!" We stayed friends and dated when I was home...in the summer of 2001, we committed ourselves to a LDR. Later on that same summer, he had a motorcycle wreck and was under her wing again because he couldn't care for himself for awhile. We had made plans to get together for Thanksgiving...I saved all my work study money to buy that plane ticket to get home to see him (the first time I would have seen him since the wreck when I flew home to be with him at the hospital). The day before my flight, he told me that maybe it would be best if I didn't come by and that his mother was worried I was putting pressure on him to see me. I said, "If this is what you want, then I will understand. It isn't what I want, but that's fine." The night I got home, he called my parents' house and said, "I changed my mind. I want to see you so badly and I don't care about what my mom thinks. I'd like you to come over."

That was the starting point to cutting the strings...I am so shocked he did it (especially considering WHEN he did it). We have pulled away, but sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back. Right now, we're battling no-notice-visits where we are expected to drive 1.5-3 hours to visit (as opposed to them ever driving to see us, G-d forbid!), depending on where we're supposed to visit them.

Sometimes it is easier to just cave and cater to her demands, but we really have to fight against that because it sets the wheels in motion for her to control us. It takes a LOT of communication and support to help him stand up to his mom...and lately, all I need to do is give him a look and he knows that I think she's out of line...and he'll stand up to her.

About finances...his parents are very inquisitive about our money matters. The overstep their boundaries in that area, too. I've made it clear to DH that our money issues are none of their business and that I will be none too happy if he shares any money info with them. If we were starving, that would be one thing, but we're doing well...so there's no need for their concern. He has now stopped talking money with his parents...he doesn't take money advice from them or anything like that because it gives them the impression that we don't know what we're doing with our money and that we need their help (which opens us up to more questions and probing).

About the house...on the rare times that MIL and FIL do come over, I make sure everything is clean before they come over. I've been slammed and burned too many times for dust that DH said he'd take care of (dusting sets off my allergies). My goal is to make it so that when they come over, she cannot so much as lift a dishcloth and wipe my counters because they're already pristine. Of course, we have our hiding places for clutter (suitcases...under the bathroom sink...in the dryer), but if the details are done and there's nothing looking like it needs to be put away, then she has no reason to open cabinets or closets and no reason to clean. I've taken that "purpose" away from her and it has given me a sense of control over my own home.

It is NOT easy to wean someone from their mother, but it can be done. My goal is not to sever their ties, but for them to realize we are independent. It has gotten easier as time has gone by...DH has begun to see where his parents have been downright controlling and manipulative.

If things work out for you two, you have to be open with him and say that his mother has no right to be involved in your relationship and that he needs to set limits and boundaries. Offer to help him set figure out those limits and boundaries, but in the end, he needs to be the one to enforce them, as it is his mother.

[Natasha]

This sucks. If he DOES have "mommy issues', I say you are better off in the longrun. Not an easy thing to hear right now, because your heart has just been trampled. But,I was with a guy kinda like that for 2 years. I really didn't want us to end, and I fought the break up in the beginning. But thank goodness I got out. I am truly so sorry to hear about you going through this. Calling you at work was soooooo wrong!

[laura]

Guys like this never change: if he's bad with money now, he always will be. And if his mother has such a heavy hand in his life, it isn't lilkely that will ever change, either.

FTR, I disagree with this as a general statement.

I do think, however, a man in his 30s whose mother still cooks, cleans and pays his bills for him is troublesome. It isn't something I would personally get involved with, but to each his own. My husband was much younger when we met (in college), but he still lived at home and my MIL still did a lot of "mommying", which drove me crazy. He was able to eventually mostly cut the cord, but it took years of work on my part - first patiently (and then not so patiently) explaining why it was a problem, etc, etc. My point is that he could change, but he was a lot younger, and he actually wanted to change for the sake of our relationship.

I actually also disagree with the uproar over the "mine/ours" stuff. I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've posted, but if I were your BF, I wouldn't be saying "our" house after only 10 months being together, either. I think some people have different views on such things, and I don't think it has a lot to do with whether the relationship is "doomed" or not - it's just personal preferences. I'm not saying what is right or wrong here, I just think this sounds a little over the top at this point:


Precisely. That "yours" and "MINE" bullshit has no place in a relationship where a couple is one unit and on equal footing.

When there's such a line of demarcation regarding finances, there's also no equality in the realtionship. Not to mention no respect and therefore, no love for the other person.

When you are living together/married, both your paychecks and whatever money each of you receives should go into a joint checking account -- and all household expenses are paid from there: rent or mortgage, utilities, both your auto insurance, etc.

That said, this guy very aptly proved that he is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship and he's also not ready to be committed to one person.

I am sorry you are going through this, but I think you should both take a break for a few days and get some perspective on the entire situation.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've posted, but if I were your BF, I wouldn't be saying "our" house after only 10 months being together, either.

This is why a couple is better off living in altogether new living quarters when they move in together or when they get married -- this way, they are on equal turf and a "my house" "your house" mindset is more eliminated.

[camberne]

Originally Posted by laura:
I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've posted, but if I were your BF, I wouldn't be saying "our" house after only 10 months being together, either.
Originally posted by Zelda Von Yitz:
This is why a couple is better off living in altogether new living quarters when they move in together or when they get married -- this way, they are on equal turf and a "my house" "your house" mindset is more eliminated.I bought my house (yes, my house) 8 years before I met my husband. When he moved in, it was our home but it was still my house. It was MY investment, my money going into the equity and upkeep. When we got married two years later, and bought a new house (because my house wasn't big enough for all of our stuff), none of the money from the sale of my house was put into the equity of the new house... and my husband agreed with it 100%.

I completely agree that it was ridiculous for him to pull what he did and tell you that you needed to move out for a while after you had already left for work. I would bet money that it was his mother's idea. I dated a guy who didn't know how to cut the apron strings... 6-1/2 years of "learning experience" (I never call it a waste of time because I did love him). This is a HUGE red flag of the way that he handles things. Not saying that it can't change, but he would have to want it to change for that to happen, and that is not generally not the way it ends up.

[dragonfly28602]

Thanks for all your support and ideas girls. I went over there after work and packed a suitcase. He came home and I was sitting there. He said "do you want to talk or something?" I said well yea. He said well I don't know what to say. THis hurts me as much as it hurts you. I wrote him a letter and left it on the counter. He said i read your letter and I know how you feel. I just don't know what to do. ITs been coming for a while. I said no it hasn't we were happy and talking about marriage two weeks ago. I ended up leaving and now im at my parents house. Im hysterical. Luckily I have THE MOST supportive parents in the bunch. But im still hurting beyond belief.
On the side note. I KNOW it has nothing to do with another woman. He was always at work or with me. He's not a cheater. I honestly think its a parental/ friend issue. And he did help clean up. I didn't have to do all of it completely, just mostly. I'm not defending him just stating the fact. It's 625 at night, I left his house at 430 and this situation just sucks. How in the hell do you go from talking marriage two weeks ago to canoeing sunday and having a blast to this.
I just feel like a failure and im sooooooooo hurt and a little pissed. I came thisclose to calling his mom and asking her wtf was going on. But I didn't. Ill deal with her on Friday when I go to pay the housepayment.
I am PRAYING that he just got a wild hair and is having an issue.
A little background to our relationship... WE met in September when I was on vacation. I went back to fla and we talked 5, 6, 7 times a day. then he talked me into moving home. He and my father came down to move me. He immediately wanted me to stay at his house. and it went from there, but that was the end of november. this is july. I have no clue.
I hope this made sense.
Kara

[dragonfly28602]

and i just love him so much... i feel like my heart is in pieces.

[dragonfly28602]

its just taking me a while to comprehend everything.
From day one it was OUR house. He wanted me to be comfortable and to understand that while he built it, it was part mine too because he wanted me there. He wanted my stuff there and for me to feel like home and I did. I decorated and whatnot. I just don't understand what the hell happened.

[nordey]

I came thisclose to calling his mom and asking her wtf was going on. But I didn't. Ill deal with her on Friday when I go to pay the housepayment.


Why will you be paying the house payment on Friday if you aren't living there? As he's so kindly pointed out to you it's HIS house, therefore HE should be making the trip to make the payment on it.

And it sounds like you make the house payment to his mother? What's up with that? :rolleyes:

[Ameez]

I have the exact same questions as nordey!

????????

[dragonfly28602]

I control the money and have the joint checking account. there was an issue with the mortgage and SHE got it straightened out. I could just take it to the bank, but I'd like to confront her face to face. And its his money that pays the House payment this month... he gives me his check. Im the MAJOR breadwinner in the house.
Strike that-- was.

[tenofcups]

I doubt very much you want to think about this now, but do think about it before Friday--mortgage payments are generally for the UPCOMING month, not the current or past month. If you're not living there, it's not your responsibility in any way. Again, probably too much to process right now, but do give it thought before you put any more money into this house or any upcoming bills, or even continue to handle routine chores like paying bills, even if it's with his money.

[dragonfly28602]

I know.. you're right.. i thought about it while crying.. Im calling the satellite company and cancelling the satellite, phone company to cancel the phone. and im giving his mom the rest of the money in the joint checking accout so she can take care of him again... :rolleyes:

[Zelda Von Yitz]

I know.. you're right.. i thought about it while crying.. Im calling the satellite company and cancelling the satellite, phone company to cancel the phone. and im giving his mom the rest of the money in the joint checking accout so she can take care of him again... :rolleyes:

See how much you lost here?

Oh, this was his home but you were the one who was pulling the entire load, it seems. If he had a job, where the heck was all of his money going?

[Zelda Von Yitz]

I control the money and have the joint checking account. there was an issue with the mortgage and SHE got it straightened out.

Gee, this guy can't fight his own battles, can he?

[lml41981]

Is all the money in the joint account his? If not, then why are you going to give it *all* to his mother? Furthermore, by giving it to his mother, you are enabling him to rely on her. I'd give him whatever portion is his and say, "Here's what was your money from the joint account, which I've closed. Do with it what you will. Here's when the bills are due and here are the addresses to send the checks to (or web addresses to make online payments). I cancelled things that were in my name, so if you want those services, you'll have to sort it out."

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Is all the money in the joint account his? If not, then why are you going to give it *all* to his mother? Furthermore, by giving it to his mother, you are enabling him to rely on her. I'd give him whatever portion is his and say, "Here's what was your money from the joint account, which I've closed. Do with it what you will. Here's when the bills are due and here are the addresses to send the checks to (or web addresses to make online payments). I cancelled things that were in my name, so if you want those services, you'll have to sort it out."

My thoughts exactly. lml's said it best.

[Heidi9771]

A phone call at your job ??? Not only heartless, but completely a coward's way out!! :mad:

The path of least resistance! :confused:

[Irish Elf]

take your money out of the joint checking account and have your name removed. Let him worry about the house payment - it's his house. (Though I'm willing to bet the way his mom "straightened" out the situation was to put it in her name.)

Don't confront the mom b/c she will gloat in your face and make you feel worse. She has won this battle. Well, she's lost b/c she raised a spineless son but she thinks she's won. Asking her WTF will only add to her thoughts that you aren't right for her son.

Cancel all services in your name.

Walk away.

This guy doesn't have to do anything b/c the women in his life do it for him. Why should he grow up when he's got a great situation?

his name doesn't by chance start with a J does it? I'd swear it was my ex from the sound of things but he got married or so i heard.

[dragonfly28602]

NOpe, his name starts with a P... LOL
Thanks girls. I cried myslef to sleep last night. Look like he-l-l today. But Im at work and functioning as normally as possible. I know I need to eat but everytime I think of food I want to vomit. So just liquids for now. I know I have decisions to make, but I think im just going to deal with them on Friday when I only work 1/2 a day. I CANNOT let this affect my job.
It just sucks when you think you know somebody and you know the direction your life is going... then WHAM. RIght on your ass you go. But I will pick myself up, dust myself off and survive. Th'ats the only way to go.

[Heidi9771]

But I will pick myself up, dust myself off and survive. Th'ats the only way to go.

What an awesome attitude! You go girl! :)

[paiger]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know you don't want to think about this right now, but if you have direct deposit, you need to change it to a personal account or get a check. I wouldn't put any more money into your joint account!

[dragonfly28602]

I was never dumb.. lol I have my own personal account that my check gets deposited into. The Joint one was simply for bills and house stuff.

So he called this morning and we chatted. He wants to talk this afternoon, I think that somewhere neutral is good. He said he loves me he is just screwed up and has alot on his plate and got overwhelmed. I said well the way you handled it wan't cool. But he doesn't want to lose me or stop dating. I figure we can talk and come up with boundaries cause I told him im sure there are things that annoy you about me just as there are things about you that get to me. But you're supposed to discuss those things and not let them manifest. So we will see if we can come to an agreement. THANK GOD i have my parents though. And you ladies! :)

[Zelda Von Yitz]

All well and good...BUT...and there always is a but --- there is still the problem with his mother.

This guy cannot fend for himself -- his mother had to go after the mortgage problem --not him, but his mother.

There's also still the problem how he handles money. Not a good sign at all.

I still say you are better off cutting your losses calling it quits and finding somebody worth your while.

[lml41981]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a second on the mother and mortgage front...

Is the house and the loan in both their names? Because I can't see how a bank would even discuss a problem with his mortgage with her if it weren't also in her name. If it is in her name, too, then she does have a vested interest in making sure the mortgage is paid and all that - it affects her credit, too. I don't see a major problem with a single person using a parent to cosign a mortgage to get a lower interest rate - though I do see a problem with him using her to cosign for a larger mortgage if he cannot afford the mortgage on his own. How is his credit? If he isn't responsible enough to pay his own bills, then I'd imagine his credit isn't the greatest... If you're going to try to work this out and if this relationship does lead to marriage, you will need to get his credit under control - which can be achieved when he learns to be responsible for himself and independent from his mother. Also, if his credit is shot and the relationship does continue, then when his credit is repaired, you guys ought to try to re-fi the house (or sell it altogether and buy something else) and get his mom's name off the loan and deed.

[dragonfly28602]

In reference to the mother. Its a small town and it all depends on who you know. If you're known you can bypass stuff. But you're right., he should be the one taking the time to get the mortgage straightened out.
This is the issue. He worked somewhere for 9 years got the construction loan and pre-approved for the mortgage loan. Two days after he signed the papers he got laid off. All of the fiber-optics plants took a beating here.. My parents lost their jobs same concept different company. SO the mortgage issue is that the house is built. but he hasn't had the same steady job for two years. Plants close right and left here. Plus the dork built a one bedroom. Its classified as unique and difficult to sell or something.
His credit is good, i already ran his credit report with his knowledge of course.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

In reference to the mother. Its a small town and it all depends on who you know. If you're known you can bypass stuff. But you're right., he should be the one taking the time to get the mortgage straightened out.
This is the issue. He worked somewhere for 9 years got the construction loan and pre-approved for the mortgage loan. Two days after he signed the papers he got laid off. All of the fiber-optics plants took a beating here.. My parents lost their jobs same concept different company. SO the mortgage issue is that the house is built. but he hasn't had the same steady job for two years. Plants close right and left here. Plus the dork built a one bedroom. Its classified as unique and difficult to sell or something.
His credit is good, i already ran his credit report with his knowledge of course.


I agree: the job market now is volatile and it just plain sucks. It's not great up here, either -- thanks to the employer's market, the employer gets to set the rate per hour for the job -- and often as not it is NOT a livable wage. And if you don't want the $12 or $13 an hour? they will find someone who'll snap it up in five seconds.

[ktsb]

Hi, I've been following your story but haven't had a chance to post.


He said he loves me he is just screwed up and has alot on his plate and got overwhelmed. I said well the way you handled it wan't cool. But he doesn't want to lose me or stop dating. I figure we can talk and come up with boundaries cause I told him im sure there are things that annoy you about me just as there are things about you that get to me. But you're supposed to discuss those things and not let them manifest

A word of caution here because it seems like he's already starting to regret what he's done. As others have said his problems are somewhat hefty and there is the whole "mother" issue which will also remain. But I know how hard it is when you love someone to just walk away. Take your time here and remember the anquish this caused.

Keep your head up and if it doesn't work out...this too shall pass and there something better out there waiting for you.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

And keep in mind also he moved much too quickly on this.

This guy also can't handle the concept of what *our* money means -- and that is essential in a committed coupledom (this is one area where my xH failed -- that is one of the reasons why he is now my xH)

If I ever had the chance to remarry, there is positively no way I'd live in this house with a spouse ever again; I am not comfortable with the idea. We get a place of our own that is our territory; I would not be comfortable moving into his home or condo or whatever dwelling place he has where he'd be currently living.

[ejs]

So I'm going to go against the grain here. First, I'm sorry your relationship doesn't seem to be working out. That always sucks.

But I don't think it's unreasonable of him to ask you to move out. (I do disagree with how he did it.) It is his house; you moved in. Your whole romance seems to have happened very quickly. I think it's a mistake for people to quickly rush into joint accounts, shared money, etc. You should wait to do that until there is some more permanence in the relationship.

I realize you're devastated because he was recently talking marriage. Sadly, that happens. I wouldn't be surprised if more than half of the women here discussed marriage with a guy they didn't end up marrying.

I'm glad you have a supportive family to help you through this.

[Heidi9771]

So I'm going to go against the grain here. First, I'm sorry your relationship doesn't seem to be working out. That always sucks.

But I don't think it's unreasonable of him to ask you to move out. (I do disagree with how he did it.) It is his house; you moved in. Your whole romance seems to have happened very quickly. I think it's a mistake for people to quickly rush into joint accounts, shared money, etc. You should wait to do that until there is some more permanence in the relationship.

I realize you're devastated because he was recently talking marriage. Sadly, that happens. I wouldn't be surprised if more than half of the women here discussed marriage with a guy they didn't end up marrying.

I'm glad you have a supportive family to help you through this.

I think you make some very valid points here, without discounting her relationship. I for one, am one of those women who talked about marriage with a man that never ended up happening. Thank goodness, because then I would have never married DH :)

[ManteoChik]

Dragonfly OMG, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. One word of wisdome.....don't go back to him right away. I know you love him and it hurts you alot but if your parents will continue to let you live with them for a while that would probably be the best thing. If he apologizes and you go right back to him, your only showing him that what he did and how he hurt you was okay. Most likely, he'll do it again.

A relationship is about communication so he should be able to talk to you. Has he given you any specific reasons as to what/why he has been feeling this way??? I don't know his mother, but it does seem like maybe she has some influence in his life. I would meet and talk with him but not at "his house". Meet at a restaurant where you are in public, that way you can discuss things in a calm way. Good Luck and keep us posted.

[miel]

I'm sorry you feel so bad...I remember how agonizing breakups can be...I hope you feel better soon.

[dragonfly28602]

Thanks to all for your concern and support. I'll write an update this evening.
K

[mb1197]

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is happening to you and wish you the best of luck. It's great that you have family to support you during this confusing time. Please let us know how things go.