mixed feelings about having #2...

[catmom]

DD is 16 months old, and I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about having a second baby. I seem to be REALLY tired a lot of the time already, and I frequently find myself falling asleep by 8 and 9 o'clock, and dragging through a lot of the day. I worry that there is just no way I could keep up with a second child, and that I would completely fall apart with two. Some days I feel like DD is just wearing my out on her own, and honestly she is a very easygoing (though active) little girl.

I also worry about losing 1 on 1 time with DD, and about not having that time at all with a new baby. I was sitting quietly with DD and nursing her before her nap the other day, and it occured to me that if I had a newborn to look after I would not be able to have those long stretches of quiet time with her.

My DH is also worried that I wouldn't be able to handle two. He told me today that he thought I was about at my limit, and was thinking maybe he should get a vasectomy. It made me sad when he said that, though, because deep down I really would like another child. And I know that my social DD would probably be happier with a sibling, too... she just loves being around other kids as much as possible.

Does anyone else feel like this? I know DD is still pretty young, but I honestly can't fathom having another one until she's at least 5 or 6, and with that big of an age difference it's not like they'll really play together.

[Pookie]

I hear ya. On one hand, I can't wait to be pg again.. On the other, it really scares me, especially the thought of having 2 kids. I actually keep pushing back when we plan to TTC #2. My DS is the same age as your DD. I think part of it, at least for me, is that DS is really still a baby. We still have plenty of time for #2 and still have them realitvily close in age.

[BooeyJ2]

I know exactly how you feel.

We get asked almost DAILY when we're going to have #2 (majority of the time by people that have NO kids - and the rest by our families, etc).


My DD is 16 months as well, and keeping up with her is already a job in itself.

It freaks me out to imagine having a newborn all over again ...ON TOP of having a toddler.

I always think "maybe i'm not cut out for 2?". Sorry to toot my own horn, but I think i'm a great mom.....i'm afraid that if I have #2, I will be going crazy and end up being a crappy, yelling, screaming mom :(


I'm not dying to be PG again (even though I had a pretty eash pregnancy), but I would love for DD to have a sibling because of how close my sisters and I are. On the other hand, DD has 2 nieces and 4 nephews (4 of whom we see at least once a week), so it's not like she would be "alone" all the time.


Basically i'm just scared. I see moms out with their 2, 3 or 4, etc kids and MOST of them just look SO tired and stressed. I don't want to be "that poor lady" that I feel sorry for with a bunch of kids running wild and out of control.


Another thing is that I currently work part time (hopefully soon i'll be able to be a SAHM, but for now, i'm part time). If MIL retires (like she said she was going to years ago when she was dying for us to get PG in the first place) and can help watch the kids, then a lot of stress will be taken off us and that would make things easier and it would more than likely push us towards #2 (FWIW - the IL's live less than 2 minutes away).

I hope i'm making sense.

Anyhoo, more than likely we will end up having another when DD is about 3 (at the earliest).


P.S - Pookie - Your son was born the day before my DD! :)

[psusna]

I feel much like Booey but neither DH nor I have any siblings -- we are both only children. Basically I'm terrified b/c I have no experience with siblings or sibling issues or managing more than one child. I'm not sure that I'd know how to deal with those issues.

For the most part I think that only children want more than one child but we are really on the fence about this issue. DS will be at lest 3 before we make the final call.

[Renrel]

I have similiar feelings but as DS is approaching age 3 I am feeling less scared. I am missing my baby as much as I love my preschooler. I know he will grow less and less dependant on my and I would like to be needed like that for a bit longer even if it is exhausting. I worry alot about where I will find the energy to be a wife once I am taking care of 2 kids because I already feel I neglect my DH, but I think we will survive.

[Wilsmom]

Oh my gosh, I could have written this exact same thing up until my DD was born 2 months ago. Even when I was pregnant at 38 weeks, I was scared to death of having another child. I had all the same fears and worries. My biggest was that I was afraid DS wouldn't handle having a sibling well, and that he and I would miss out on all our special times together. I cried many tears over this, and many times wondered what I was thinking to get pregnant again.

I'm not gonna lie, having two is hard. DS just turned 3, and lots of times I feel like I can't possibly do what I need to for each of them. I've tried my best (and I think, done a great job!) of not having DS's life change drastically. We still spend a lot of one-on-one time together while DH takes care of DD.

But you know what? Having DD was the best gift I could have ever given DS. He loves her more than anything, and to see her smile at him and light up when she hears his voice is like nothing I've ever experienced. To see him put his hands on her head and kiss her forehead while he tells her how much he loves her melts my heart. To hear him sing "You are my Sunshine" to her brings tears to my eyes. I worried that there was no way I could love another child as much as DS, but I do. My love doubled the day she was born.

You'll be tired, you'll sometimes wonder what you were thinking, but you'll do it, and when you see your two (or more!) together, nothing in the world could make you feel better. :)

[kmack]

yes yes yes! i have been thinking a lot about having #2 b/c i would love for DD to have a sibling close in age (she is turning one one friday). but i have the same feelings/fears/worries that you do. i am happy to see that i am not alone! i feel like i can barely keep my act together now with just one, i can't imagine what it would be like with two! i always thought i wanted at least three children but now i think i would totally lose it. and i feel rushed to have another one as i am 35 now and would prefer to have my kids before i turn 40.

[twinnyme]

I'm in the same boat. DD is 18 months and while I have gotten to the point where I can *maybe* *begin* to fathom having a second child, I am still not there yet. For MONTHS I have been up and down about it - mostly down, i.e., not yet wanting another child. But we know we definitely want two children, we want them to be 3-4 years apart (maybe less, because I don't want another January baby and because I'll also be 35 next week).

I had PPD, we are in a two-bedroom house (and don't think we could move before having a second child), I WOH part-time now and edit freelance at home the days I'm home with DD - and with her nap schedule changing in the next year or two and having two children who likely will not nap at the same time, I have no idea how I'll WAH two days a week. It is all very very challenging and the house is always a mess, I hardly have time with DH.... And *yet* we have begun tentative talks about possibly starting to TTC #2 in the fall (October or so).

So, that's where I am - DEFINITE mixed feelings about having #2. Well, I guess, definite mixed feelings about WHEN to have #2; we're pretty sure we want #2 and to give our DD a sibling.

ETA: Partly why I can somewhat fathom it now is because DD has been STTN since 13 months. Before that, I think I was too sleep-deprived to even consider it. Friends of ours who have kids 16 months apart said their first was a CHAMPION sleep whereas their 2nd has been much tougher. They said if their first didn't sleep well they're not sure they would have had their second child as soon as they did. That's how I feel.

[magdesilver]

I definitely have worries about #2 coming! And we already have one on the way! We thought it would take us a few months to get pg. (like it did with DD) but it happened like the first TIME we tried! Anyhow, I go between being excited to have a newborn again to being scared about how it will affect DD. She is such a great baby, loves to occupy herself, sleeps great, good eater, etc. I worry that she'll end up really shortchanged when #2 arrives. I worry that I am going to be super exhausted and cranky all the time from lack of sleep. I worry that the new baby will be the polar opposite of DD and be super difficult. Lots of things to worry about!

Then I realized that I am giving her an amazing gift to have a sibling close to her age. She'll always have a playmate, and it is just wonderful to have that connection to another person in your family. So my fears get tempered by that, but I'm still scared and worried a lot of the time. I'm trying to enjoy the pregnancy, enjoy this time with DD, since she is too young to have a clue what is going on, and hope it will work itself out, which I know it eventually will. But I'm preparing myself for a few difficult months!

[sandt8704]

My sister and I are 5 years apart...and even though we didn't play together that much when we were younger, we are the best of friends now.

[NYN]

i have the same worries. we keep on changing out minds about when to TTC#2 b/c of it. reading wilsmom's post is comforting.

[Daniel's Kitty]

I have the same feelings. It has made me so sad realizing that while all the Feb 07 moms are coming up with nicknames I am feeling weird that I can't handle it and Iam not ready.

Thank you SO much for this.

[BooeyJ2]

A few of you totally reminded me of another reason i'm scared to have #2.

I've heard SOOOOO many stories of people who have "easy" first babies and then #2 is the total opposite.

DD was/is an "easy" baby and i'm afraid I won't be able to handle a super hard baby (my nephew was/is super hard and I think to myself ""how the hell does my sister do it? I would go crazy!".

:(

[Southlooper]

Before we got married DH discussed how many kids we'd like to have. I thought 2 at the minimum while DH took the attitude of "let's have one and see how we feel."

At the time I could wrap my head around the "see how we feel" concept. However, now that DD is here I am questioning DC#2. Granted it's only been 7 weeks, but I can image how choatic it would with a newborn and another kid (I got a taste of this when my 18 month old nehpew came to visit.)

I'm over 35 and have PCOS so the decision may have already been made for me anyway.

[twinnyme]

Before we got married DH discussed how many kids we'd like to have. I thought 2 at the minimum while DH took the attitude of "let's have one and see how we feel." At the time I could wrap my head around the "see how we feel" concept. However, now that DD is here I am questioning DC#2.

Waaayyy back when I wanted 6 kids :D then when I got married we said 2 or 3. Now it's down to 2. My older sister, who has an only child (and it took them 7 years to have him, so they're done), used to joke to me when I said "now it's down to 2" she'd say "soon it'll be down to 1."

A few of you totally reminded me of another reason i'm scared to have #2. I've heard SOOOOO many stories of people who have "easy" first babies and then #2 is the total opposite.

In some ways, I can only hope that since I've had the super-hard experience with #1, that #2 will be easier. But if #2 is NOT, I have absolutely no clue how I'd handle it - and I'd worry that I wouldn't be a good mother (which I already feel some of, given how hard everything has been thus far).

[catmom]

Thanks, ladies. Glad to know I'm not the only one. I'm an only child myself, so I don't think that growing up without siblings is awful or anything. I guess it's good that we still have some time to think about it.

This thread has made me feel a lot better, though. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me because I already feel so tired with just one kid.

[ktdelsur]

But you know what? Having DD was the best gift I could have ever given DS. He loves her more than anything, and to see her smile at him and light up when she hears his voice is like nothing I've ever experienced. To see him put his hands on her head and kiss her forehead while he tells her how much he loves her melts my heart. To hear him sing "You are my Sunshine" to her brings tears to my eyes. I worried that there was no way I could love another child as much as DS, but I do. My love doubled the day she was born.


You successfully made my uterus ache with this vision. :o
:D

DS is only barely 8 mos old and we really don't want to have another one until he is at least 3. He's already affectionate so I can only imagine how he might be with a sibling.

My brother and I are 8 years apart and weren't really *close* until I was in college. It was almost like being an only child because we were in totally different phases at different times.

I also don't want to have #2 until our financial situation is such that I can stay home with both children. Right now we are barely affording daycare and DH will finish his masters in December.

I also do have the fear of Baby #2 being difficult. Looking back, DS is really easy - easygoing, sweet and doesn't really fuss unless there's good reason (hungry or really tired). My mom said SHE had two "good" babies so its possible. HA! I would love Baby #2 no matter what gender it is - but if I have another boy, I would be really tempted to try *onemoretime* for a girl. (and probably get a boy):D

[psusna]

Mag: Oh my gosh, you'll rock with two kids! You are such an educated and informed mom and you'll have no problems. Your choices always seem so well thought out and researched that even if DC #2 is a cranky pants I know you'll manage it with grace. We'll be thinking about you :) Go Navy! (DH and DS were in the most recent Shipmate -- stooopid paci and all!)

[twinnyme]

*bump* for more thoughts. I turned 35 today and I find myself sitting here writing a two-page categorized list of a TTC #2 timeline/issues :o I think I'm finally really starting to get the baby bug but I still have so many concerns about it!

Also, I must have somehow missed wilsmom's post the first time around - it is very helpful to read.

[BTB]

but I honestly can't fathom having another one until she's at least 5 or 6, and with that big of an age difference it's not like they'll really play together.

Why do you think they won't?

My brother is six years younger than me. He's nine years younger than my older sister. The three of us played together all the time. And we're not from some Beaver Cleaver family, either. To this day we still all get along well. Sometimes being spread out brings you closer, because there's less competition and rivalry to distinguish yourself. No alpha-kid fighting, you all are confident in your place in the family.

I've noticed a trend (or maybe it was there all along and I didn't see it) toward close spacing. Nonetheless US data indicates an 18 to 60 month interpregnancy interval improves outcomes (interpregnancy interval is the length of time from one BIRTH to the subsequent CONCEPTION).

Maybe your feelings will change with time - maybe they won't. Of course you wouldn't want to have another child if you really don't want one, just for your first to have a sibling. There are a lot of other ways to enrich DC #1's life if being a new mommy again isn't for you. Have the family you want, and not the family you feel you should have. :)

[smilewithme]

I worried that there was no way I could love another child as much as DS, but I do. My love doubled the day she was born.


That is one of my major concerns! I love DD so much, how could I possibly love another the same? Would it be fair to bring another child into the world if I'm unsure about it? And then of course, I talk to people who say YOU WILL! My mom had two kids, my aunts have more than one, my friends, my co-workers, everyone! It just happens they say, so I'm going with the flow!

DD is six months old and although we aren't planning on TTC immediately, it's out on the horizon and we're thinking about these things now.

[hub1176]

I wish I would have read this before I got pg with #2.
I think it would have been much easier on me of DD was a bit older and could verbalize her wants/needs and was more independent.
That said, I've talked with friends who spaced their children further apart and they said they still felt guilty, overwhelmed and exhausted.

All that said, if you don't think you can cope at this point, then you're not ready (and really who needs a mom on the verge...:) )

[magdesilver]

psusna- awww, thanks :) . That's very nice of you to say. If only you knew the real me, LOL. Just kidding, sort of :o . I know it will turn out fine in the end, and most of the time I'm really looking forward to our new addition. Just not ready for the lack of sleep again!
p.s. your DS is a cutie!! Even with his paci!!

[catmom]

My brother is six years younger than me. He's nine years younger than my older sister. The three of us played together all the time. And we're not from some Beaver Cleaver family, either. To this day we still all get along well. Sometimes being spread out brings you closer, because there's less competition and rivalry to distinguish yourself. No alpha-kid fighting, you all are confident in your place in the family.

Thanks, BTB, this does make me feel better. I think some of it probably has more to do with the individual kids' personalities than anything else... my DH is 2 years older than his sister and 4 years older than his brother, and they never really played together. I really like hearing stories about far-spaced siblings who played together as kids... reminds me that this can work really well, too.

[mommydearest]

My aunt and uncle have 3 boys. There are 4 years between the first two and 3 between the youngest two (Ages 17, 13, and 10). The little two were best pals since they were pretty young. The oldest is more like an extra parent now, although he doesn't "play" with the others because he has different interests. Now, granted, these are exceptionally family-oriented children involved in scouts, swimming, camping, and being a military family moving a lot, so they are probably closer than most families. I always enjoy being with them BECAUSE they each have had their own time to develop personalities, instead of being stair-step. You can do so many different things with them because of the different ages.

So, from my perspective, its ok to wait a few years in between each because it lets each kid be a baby/toddler without having a younger one needing the attention.

[twinnyme]

* bump *

[DianeCourt]

For us, #2 isn't a question of "if," but rather of "when." We both agree that we'd like our children to be approximately two years apart in age. If I do the math, though, that means we begin TTC this fall/winter! :eek: How is it almost that time already?

Failed BFing attempt aside, DD has been an incredibly easy baby. And my pregnancy was easy/pleasant also. If it weren't for that, I don't think I could even think about #2 right now. I must admit, however....I'm anxious to be PG again and go through that whole wonderful process at least one more time.

My only apprehension is whether #2 will turn out to be a boy or a girl.....if we have another girl, that will open up the possibility of having THREE children just to try for a boy. And THAT'S hard for me to think about!

[Nigellas]

I honestly can't fathom having another one until she's at least 5 or 6, and with that big of an age difference it's not like they'll really play together.
Reply With Quote

If it eases your mind at all, my sister and I are 6 years apart. While we didn't play together much growing up, we are pretty close now and I'm really glad to have her. :)

[Mrs.Chappy]

i think i shouldn't think about it too much...maybe 'just do it' should be my motto..

i am torn on the whole thing but know i want more than one. think i'll wait for DH to tell me he's ready.