Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss support group

[goldengbridge]

Hi Ladies,

Judi (jeggink) is on her way to the hospital. I'm not sure if this is it or not but she's been having pretty steady contractions all afternoon. This evening she felt what seemed like a pop and they she had some blood. She's not sure if her water broke or not. She's headed in right now to be checked. I'll post when I hear more. Please send her easy labor vibes for a speedy delivery and a healthy baby!

[Kimmiebride]

Congrats to Jenahdawn, and Judi, those last four weeks of pregnancy are highly over-rated. Good luck girl!
Kimmie

[goldengbridge]

It's Jen again..

Judi just called. She just got an epidural since the pain was too much to stand. The bleeding she had last night was from her cervix where they took the stitch out to they wanted to control the bleeding and keep her in bed. Since she couldn't move around to help the contracations she opted for the epidural. When she called around 7:15 this morning they were getting ready to break her water. She said that she's been stuck at 6 cm and that he all night Alex was still pretty high but that he was moving down and was at a -1 now.

She's confident that breaking her water is going to get things going and I'm sure she's right. She's been up all night with very little sleep and she sounds exhausted! Hopefully Alex makes his appearance here shortly! Her parents arrived in town about 2:30 this morning and they're getting ready to take Joseph to school and then head to the hospital.

Hopefully the next update will be announcing Alex's arrival! Stay tuned...

[goldengbridge]

I have the pleasure of announcing the arrival of

ALEXANDER JACOB
BORN TODAY @ 10:50AM
7 LBS 7 OZ
21 INCHES LONG

What a big boy for being 4 weeks early! Judi said she only pushed 3 or 4 times and Alex was born. She sounds estatic and says that so far Alex is a quiet baby!

Please help me welcome baby Alex and congrats to Judi, Dan, and Joseph!!!

[pocahontas]

WOW...congrats to the "J" girls! :) (Judi and Jenah!)

[jennylou]

Congrats Jenah and Judi! I love seeing Rainbow Babies being born here. :)

poca - how are you doing today? Gosh, I think back on those first few holidays and they were brutal - and we're talking Memorial Day, July 4th (you know the summer holidays). By the time the winter type holidays rolled around I was still a mess, but it wasn't the newness. Thanksgiving wasn't good though, so I can just imagine how you must be feeling with how fresh your loss is. Take care of yourself today.

Thinking of all of you ladies today, Happy Thanksgiving.

[pocahontas]

JENNY...yeah, I think that it happened almost exactly 2 weeks before the holiday where you're supposed to give "Thanks" is like a kick in the ass for me right now. I have been doing really well (well, in my definition "REALLY WELL" is that I haven't cried in nearly a week) but then I broke down last night because we went to MIL's house (where we are eating today) to help her with the dining room table and only the day before we had found out she wasn't having the small gathering I thought she was (me, her, DH, my mom, sister and niece.) She is actually having 12 people (down from what was 17 people because a few cancelled). :eek: I am appalled. I mean it is her house and I know she is always with her sister and sisters kids and grandkids every year and I don't know why I would expect that to change but honestly I told DH I don't know if I'm ready to face all those family members yet (which is weird 'cuz I was ready to get back to work and face my 22 fifth graders and the rest of the staff). But I just know everyone will look pitiful for me at Thanksgiving and I don't want them feeling sorry for me (although I know it's natural that they will and I understand that) but I just feel like MY GOD, the mood would be so different if this hadn't happened because everyone would still be happy, rubbing my belly and telling me they can't wait to meet "Sparky". :( So when we got in the car I just lost it and cried because I would give ANYTHING to turn back time a couple weeks and fix all this so we wouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving with this cloud of gloom. UGH! :mad: Guess this is the angry stage...

[jennylou]

poca - oh gosh, your post brings back so many memories. I'm sure all of us can attest to the wanting to turn back time - to when things were happier. :( Just get through it the best you can. If you need to excuse yourself for a little walk or a little cry, do it. You have to take care of yourself and your DH first right now....forget about everyone else and being a downer on them. You have very good reason to be down and if they don't understand that, they haven't an ounce of sympathy in their bodies. Just try to get by - minute by minute - that's how I did it in the beginning. And don't be afraid to cry - cry all you need to - DH and I still cry at certain things.

[Kimmiebride]

Two years ago on Thanksgiving morning, just past midnight was the day we lost Robert. Even though his angel day is two days away, it doesn't change the mixed emotions we feel on this holiday. So much in our lives has changed, and of course, so much to be thankful for, but it's not easy. Two years ago we were paralyzed with grief, and no family came to see us in the hospital. Our social worker brought us some turkey and stuffing to my room. One year ago we were pregnant with Josh, and spent the day with our extended family, and lit a candle for the little guy who wasn't there, and prayed for the one we hoped to be there this year. He is here, and I wonder if he knows why mommy is crying. Someday he will know the story, and why this day is so bittersweet.

Poca, and all our ladies, have a gentle day, and cry all you need to if that's what you need. Take comfort in the rainbow babies, and know our prayers are with each of you that you will know the joys of parenthood and not only the sorrow of the loss of it.
Kimmie

In memory of baby Robert, Thanksgiving Day, 2005 - in our lives for 18w5d, and in our hearts forever.

[LDS Angel 19]

I always think of you ladies during the holidays. I had a good cry myself this morning. It does get better, but it never really goes away.

[SailorJenny]

Congrats to Jenah and Judi! The good news made my day!

Jenny is right, the holidays really do bring so many memories and feelings to the surface. Hugs to you all!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hugs to all of my fellow moms in here.

I went and got a wreath for Rebekah, will be making it up this weekend. Mentioned something to DH about how next time we re in NJ we have to go to the cemetery to place the wreath. Then something he said made a lot of sense. He mentioned what are we going to do if we move really away from the area/region. I don't want to limit his job search area (if that ever becomes an issue) but it will suck being so far from where she is buried. It makes me sad and cry just thinking about that, but I know it can be a reality one day. I said well at least my mom is back in the area and she goes to the cemetery for both Rebekah and my dad, since they are buried just down the path from each other and I would make a point of visiting whenever we are back in NJ. Sucks that at 33 yrs old that is something I have to even think about, possibly moving farther than an hour drive away from my daughter. Ugh!!!!!!!!

Congrats to Judi and Jenah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jenahdawn]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone....as much of one as all of us can muster.

Lilly's keeping us up and tired, but we are happy. But I find myself just stopping and crying (down right bawling at times) thinking about everything the past 14 (20, including pregnancy) has brought. That's normal, right?


I'm really hoping family doesn't say something stupid because I do want to yell, YES, she's here! It doesn't mean we forgot or hurt any less!

[pocahontas]

Aww...JENAH, she's a doll and looks like such a peaceful babe. :) You are definitely an inspiration. (And you know I keep scratching my head tryna figure out what you meant by "NOT IT" in your former siggy and "IT" in your current siggy. :confused:)

[jenahdawn]

Poca, in the Dec. thread, there were three of us who kept having preterm issues (and all three of us have delivered now) and everyone kept saying, "Who's first?" so I said "Not it!" in my signature....except we ended up being first, so I guess I DID end up being it!

I hope your first holiday is treating you gently. The firsts really suck. A lot!

[pocahontas]

OOOOOH! :p Cute! I get it!

I survived Thanksgiving...it was hard the first hour because DH's aunt wanted to talk to me in the hallway about the baby. :rolleyes: My sister gave me a gift and told me it was to cheer me up and remind me of "happier times" (it was a picture she blew up and framed of my bridal shower decor at the shower she threw for me at her house...really pretty). Then some cousins gave us a sympathy card. So I thought...I'll DIE if the rest of the night is like this. But once the grace was said and people got busy eating they forgot all about it (and MIL put DH and I seated away from the main table which was great although I'm sure everyone thought it was odd...but OH WELL!)

[1_mommy]

i have a question for you girls, a friend of ours just found out today that she lost her baby. She was 16 weeks, she goes in tomorrow to be induced.
I don't really want to send her flowers, but would like to send her a nice poem framed, or something to that affect. Do you have any suggestions, or know of any good poems

[jenahdawn]

The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning
that God was going
to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories,
your love is still our guide,
and though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us
one by one
the chain will link again.


(One of the local ladies got us a frame with this poem that we have the girls' U/S picture in where you can see both of them. It sits on my dresser.)

[jenahdawn]

'nother one:

If Tears were a Stairway

If tears could build a stair way
and memories were a lane
I would walk right up to heaven
And bring you home again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.


And, my all time favorite that makes me think of our girls the most:

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel rest your wings
Sit with me for a while.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see you tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear…
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long…
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?
Tiny Angel shook HIS/HER head,
“These things I do not know…
But I know that you love me,
And that I love you so”.

~Anonymous

Or, this one was actually a song:

My Name
Written by George Canyon and Gordie Sampson
It’s cold in here fells like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, because only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
And they don’t even know my name
And they don’t even know my name
Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, your mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
But they loved me just the same
And they never even knew name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name

[pocahontas]

A friend out on the West Coast sent us a poem that I loved. I will post it later because I tucked it away with our baby's footprints.

But actually why I really came in here was for 2 questions...first, how long did you guys bleed pp with your loss? I know with a normal pregnancy and delivery it can vary from 2 weeks to a full 8 weeks. But I was just curious how long it lasted for those of us who didn't carry the full 9 months. Also, this is way TMI, but how long after your loss did you wait to DTD? :o Did you wait until your first OB visit pp? Mine isn't until next week (she wanted to see me 4 weeks pp) and since I didn't tear or anything with the vaginal birth I thought maybe we could still DTD this week. But I was curious as to whether or not people waited or not.

[Eliezrah]

Poca, I don't think it matters how long you carried your baby for. After Jackie was born (remember she was a 28 weeker) I still bled for close to 8 weeks. As for DTD, I'd wait to see your doc just to make sure you're all healed.

[LDS Angel 19]

poca I can't really even remember how long I bled for, but it wasen't overly long because I got AF back at 7 weeks. As for DTD, I think it's your call. I was physically fine and back to normal within a few weeks, but it was a lot longer before I was emotionally ready for DTD. I know that a lot of people feel ready soon though.

[jenahdawn]

Ditto Michelle.

I think I bled for 4 weeks, got AF back (right on schedule, as if nothing happened...which sucked) 4 weeks later.

DTD: Doc said wait until 6 weeks, physically, but emotionally he said it may be a while. I think we waited 7 weeks and I said I wanted to to get the first time over with. And I cried the whole time. And DH cried with me afterwards. Just be prepared that it won't be a walk in the park. (I didn't have any tearing either, so no stitches or anything to heal from there)

[jennylou]

poca - if you feel ready, go for it. DH and I DTD about 10 days after I had Andrew. We totally needed the reconnect to each other. We only waited that long to get everyone out of our house. :p As for PP bleeding, I know it wasn't as long with N as it was with Andrew (probably b/c he was a c/s?). I got my first PP AF about 6.5 weeks pp - thinking back, if we DTD, I was probably done or close to done bleeding by then.

[portinastorm]

Hi everybody. I don't post very often, but thought I would join in because I could use a little support. My situation is a little different than most of yours; I was expecting id twin girls this month/early next month, and found out in September that one of them (our Baby B) had died. It was not apparent via ultrasound why we lost her. Since the two girls shared a placenta, they kept a close eye on our Baby A and I hoped to carry her as close to term as possible. As it turned out, three days after we discovered what had happened, Baby A started looking anemic (possibly losing blood flow back to her sister) and the peri sent me to L&D at 28 weeks. Our little survivor was born on Sept 21 and has been in the NICU since then, but we think she might come home tomorrow if she takes all of her feedings well tonight. I am so thrilled she is doing so well, but I am sick that we won't be leaving the hospital with her sister as well. I can't seem to stop crying today. After delivery (a c/s), it was obvious that Baby B had had a cord accident. We got to hold her and I have pictures of her, and I still go in "their" closet where the photos are and look at them and cry. It is physically painful to me, and hard because everyone focuses on our survivor. I'm so grateful for her; she is a precious miracle, but I still feel somehow empty inside. I don't know how to heal. I've read Silent Sorrow and Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, and they are great, but I suppose it's just going to take a long time. It's hard to celebrate and grieve at the same time. I'm sorry all of you share the experience of losing a child with me. It's awful. If anyone has any comforting words or ideas of the things that have helped you most, I would so appreciate it. I am especially struggling with my faith right now, which also makes me sad. I wish I could trust that I will someday see my little Baby B in heaven. I so hope that is true, but I'm so afraid if it's not. It's an additional struggle on top of the sadness of losing a baby and having another in the NICU for eight weeks. Any words of wisdom?

[Ericka_Jarett]

portina - so sorry for your loss of Baby B. Having just had twin girls myself 5 weeks ago I can't imagine how you feel. This board has a support for those that have lost 1 twin and have a surviving one. I am not sure how the thread is since it's not one I look at, although I am on the board: http://www.twinsmagazine.com/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=42

[jennylou]

portina - I'm so sorry for your loss. :( We do have another twin momma with one surviving twin in this thread - Sophia. As for faith, it's the thing I had to cling to after Andrew died. We actually started going to church (whereas, we hadn't as a couple prior) a few months after he died. I firmly believe that one day, I'll see my son again. Hugs to you momma, be gentle on yourself.

[sophiapb]

Here I am portinastorm. Glad that you came by. On May 26, 2005, I lost my son, Alexander, at 36+ weeks but his twin sister Alexa, came out healthy, strong and yelling. Alexander had one of his umbilical cord arteries close up around 27 weeks and after that he fell beyond his sister in weight and size when before he always been the bigger of the two. Alexa was born at 7 lbs 4 ozs and Alexander came out 4 lbs 2 ozs so he really fell behind after the artery closed up although the fact that he wasn't really gaining wasn't shown by any of the ultrasounds. He hung in there though until 36 weeks and a few days, at which point I couldn't feel him moving. I went to the hospital, an ultrasound showed there was no heartbeat and the doctors did an emergency c-section. It was awful. We did see him and touch him and had him blessed by a priest (ironically the priest who married us who happened to be "on call" or whatever the term is for priests who get called into the hospital) but it was awful. I sobbed constantly in the hospital. I remember throwing up on myself from the morphine after the delivery and crying and the nurse telling me that she would clean me up and not to cry and snapping at her that that wasn't why I was crying. Once I went to the NICU to see Alexa and saw a mom with triplets there and thought "Why did she get three and I couldn't even have two?" The first time I stood up from my bed after the c-section the pain was so bad that it got me crying some more and DH had to help me in the bathroom because I was crying so much. I remember sobbing on the way home after I was finally released from the hospital. We had Alexa buckled into her carseat and we had stopped off at the funeral home to pick up Alexander's ashes and I just bawled. I said "the last time we were in the car was such a happy time and now here we are all together again but one of us is in a box". I cried like there was no tomorrow. Ugh, my chest still clenches when I think about that.
It was really hard telling everyone because we were so happy to have our daughter but we had lost our son. Talk about mixed emotions. Everyone was great but alot of people never mentioned Alexander to us, like he never existed and that really bothered me. I'm sure it didn't help that I was a basket case so no one wanted to "set me off" but I still wanted some form of acknowledgement that he had been with us and was our child even though he was no longer here. Prepare yourself for people to gloss over the bad news and focus on the positive.
As for your faith, I don't think that I ever lost faith. I should go back and reread some of my posts with the previous threads but I don't think I blamed God or anything although I might have questioned him. I will say though that Alexa saved us. She gave us a reason to wake up in the morning and go on with life otherwise I would have been tempted to lay in bed and just stare at the walls. I guess I saw God's miracle in Alexa and was grateful for that. Oh geez, and I just yelled at her an hour ago when it was 11:00 and the kid still would not go to bed. Now I feel awful. Anyway, I got pregnant again about 10 months later and our daughters, Elise and Corinne, were born December 4, 06. I look at them and realize that Alexander was getting us ready for them. If he had lived there is no way we would have tried to get pregnant that soon after having twins. In fact, more then likely we would have had our boy and girl and been happy so that would have been it. Instead we have three gorgeous girls and are hoping to try our luck again in a few years to see if we can get one more. So even though I still get a little twist in my heart when I see boy/girl twins and will always think twice before answering "Three" when someone asks how many children we have, I am happy and enjoy my life. I think how lucky I am that I can enjoy my girls here and now and have Alexander waiting for me when I am done with this earth. Wow, I've come a long way from that woman who cried through the first month of her daughter's life. :o
I know life is miserable right now but it does get better. Please PM me if you need anything.

[SailorJenny]

portinastorm - I am so sorry for your loss. I think my faith grew initially after I lost my son, but it's faltered a few times since. Some days I think the only reason I believe in God and heaven is because reality seems too cruel without the hope of us all holding our children in heaven.

sophiapb - that was so heartwrenching and so lovely.

[GlamaGal]

Jenahdawn kindly pointed me to this thread I didn't even know existed. I'll join as I know I'm going to need the help.

GlamaGal
me: 31
DH: 43
Married: 10/11/03
TTC: June '07
Children: A, 11/27/05 (thank you, God!)
Angel Baby: Girl 19w
m/c: 6/4/07 at 5 or 6 wk.
Cause of loss: baby has complete anencephaly. Not compatible with life.
Other issues: took us 11 mos. to conceive DD. Took us 8 mos. to conceive m/c child. I believe I ovulate sporadically.

We were lucky to conceive 3rd cycle after the m/c in June. We had two u/s (one at 6 wk. + and the other just to check h/b @ 10wk.) and nothing was irregular. I got my AFP blood draw results back the Tues. of Thanksgiving week. The nurse simply stated that spina bifida and Trisomy 18 had come back with elevated risk. I worried all week until we went in yesterday and met with the genetic counselor. She told us our spina bifida risk was 1/5 and Trisomy 18 was 1/90. Immediately, DH grew concerned, even tho I was concerned this whole pg, probably b/c the m/c affected me more. We got the sono and everything appeared fine b/c she started from the feet up. She couldn't get a clear view of the head b/c of the baby's position. Well, when she finally did she kept going over and over it and said she was trying to get the baby to move. She noticed a problem and said she had to get the dr. He came in and looked and said it was a rare complete anencephaly. This means when the nuchal fold formed at day 26 it didn't close completely so the baby's skull didn't form. There's a face and part of her brain is there, but with more time in the amniotic fluid things will degenerate. She will not live outside the womb and continuing the pg actually puts me at risk. I asked to know the sex b/c I HAD to know. This is my child.

I'm having a hard time b/c:

I have to have a d&e (I don't believe in these but I know this is a no-win situation) and I feel guilty, yet I know this baby is really gone already.
Soooo many people (7) are due within weeks of me. One is my DHs business partner's wife, one other is my 1st cousin who lives near me. I'll be invited to 2 showers I really should attend.
This is my 2nd loss.
I'm afraid to get pg again but at the same time want to soo bad.
I feel guilty when I feel this baby move (movements for anencephaly are involuntary) knowing it will be "terminated" next week. At the same time I want/need to move on.
I don't know how to deal with this and be a good mother (I was so sick w/ m/s from wk. 6 thru week 13 w/ this pg)
I want to avoid everyone who knows I am supposed to be pg. This includes people I see at DDs music and Little Gym classes.
My DDs 2nd bday party is Saturda(tomorrow).
I hate my obgyn office. They have no bedside manner.
No one at my ob office considers we may need special fertility considerations. I asked yesterday for a plan of action and she didn't mention extra u/s as the dr. who diagnosed us yesterday told us (different office) but did confirm I'd go on 10x folic acid for 2- 3 mos. before TTC. I want a plan of action and once again they cannot give me one or act as if it isn't necessary.


Does this sound familiar to any of you? DH is being great. He was really upset when we found out and he cried (I think he only cried 1 other time since I've known him at his uncle's funeral. Oh, and when DD was born.) At this same time his father has been very ill and so he spent Thanksgiving with his dad and mom in FL. I had to worry about FIL and the AFP results by myself. I'm emotionally raw.

The ob doing the d&e said she can get footprints and I do want those. DH and I differ on having the remains cremated/given to us. I want them but haven't really spoken up about it (but still can next week). I just feel all alone. I think the mother almost always feels more connected to the child, more responsible, and more at fault. Even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I woke at 5 a.m. today and just sobbed. I cried for the DD I'll never hold, yet she's in there.

Lori

[GlamaGal]

portina- I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having one to remind you of the other. It's a blessing, but also so painful. My heart goes out to you.

[jennylou]

Damn it, I hate that we've had so many new members join us lately. :( I wish no one had to endure the pain of losing a child, and yet sadly, we're all here. :(

glamagal - First, I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. I know that there are others in this thread who had to make the decision to be with their losses, I'm sure they'll be around soon. On that note, I see that you said you're against a D&E - is it possible to just be induced? Perhaps, you'd feel better about that? I see that you're in Ohio, I am too. Another member of our thread lives near me as well. If you feel comfortable, please post what part (or you can PM me) - if you live close, I'd be happy to pass on the name of my OB (who is awesome) and I'm sure the other member of our thread can give you info on a peri. I didn't have to see a peri after our loss, since it wasn't anything to do with the pregnancy, so I don't really have info on peris. Be gentle on yourself right now, you're grieving the loss of your baby - but also the loss of hopes and dreams that you had for your little girl. If you want the ashes, ask for them. Even if you stow them away for now and get back to them later - nothing says you have to do anything now. As for all your friends that are pregnant, it's hard. My sister (youngest) delivered a few weeks after Andrew died. I won't lie - it was really, really hard. Thank goodness she lives in CA and I live here - I wouldn't have been able to handle it if she lived near me. In fact, I didn't handle it very well. I finally met her this past April (she had a girl), when she was nearly two. I'd been in CA before, but I couldn't bear to see her until then. It's still hard, I get emotional at times when I look at her. In addition to my sister, my BFF from middle school delivered a few weeks before me (a boy, in CA) and my cousin delivered a boy a few months after me (in CA). It hurt just to see a pregnant woman at that point. :( If you can't go to a shower - don't. If they can't understand, screw 'em. I went to my SILs baby shower (nine months later) and it was so hard. It was the first time I went to BRU after losing DS and I cried the entire time that I was there. Then, I had to fight back tears most of the shower (and I was pregnant at that point - and it was still hard!). It was the pure bliss that I think I cried over at that point. sil was blissfully happy, whereas, here I was, and I didn't get to have that innocent feeling anymore. Anyways, I'm done babbling, but I wanted you to know that nothing you're feeling is wrong - it's all completely normal with grief. Please take care of yourself.

[jenahdawn]

Lori, I hope your OB listens...

portina: You may also want to check out CLIMB (Center for Loss In Multiple Birth) It's for those of us who have lost one or more of our multiples. There is a great newsletter that comes out every other month and the stories families share are really helpful.

http://www.climb-support.org/

[GlamaGal]

Jennylou- thanks for sharing. I can't be induced because of what I experienced with DD (epi didn't work, I felt all of it, three hours she was stuck). And, emotionally, I just know I can't bear that. The D&E won't allow me to see the baby, but I don't think I want that image as well. I'll just leave her perfect in my mind. I think I will get the ashes. If I didn't, I would wish I did. DH doesn't need to acknowledge them, but I think it would be nice for me to have when I want to remember. What will really burn me, is if I don't get to have another daughter. Or child. Nothing will replace her, but I really passionately want DD to have a sister (I didn't) and when I heard she was a girl my heart just broke. Yeah, I think I will skip the showers if I can't do it. Even if I am pg, the dread in my heart of what could be wrong with the baby will be painful as well. On a good note, we got word of a dr. who is supposed to be great. So we'll have to interview him. Oddly, he's partners with the dr. who told us the bad news yesterday. We liked that dr. as well so there has to be something good about that practice.

[Sully130]

I'm so saddened to see new members. I wish there never were.

Portina - I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I think it's important to keep her memory alive in any way you can or feel comfortable doing. Don't ever feel bad for reminding others that she existed. I'm glad that others here have given you specific ideas for places to go for advice on your situation. And as for your other daughter, I'm so glad to hear she's doing well and hopefully will be home soon. THe daughter you lost will always live on within the daughter who lives. She will always be a part of her and a part of you.

As for faith, it's okay to struggle with it after such a loss. I remember telling my priest that I was so angry with God and questioning my faith and he told me, "I'd be worried about you if you if you weren't." It's normal and in the end, hopefully it brings you to a stronger faith. I know I got a lot from the book A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. He wrote it after losing his wife to cancer and there was so much of it that rang true to me. It's good to know that even people with such strong faith (by the end of their life at least) could struggle so mightily with it in the face of adversity.

Glamagal - I should have recommended that you come here. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It breaks my heart. It was similar for us with my u/s (found out at 22 weeks that she had a condition that was incompatible with life, and I was induced at 22w6d). First the tech was reviewing things and they were all perfect; then she got to the things that were very, very wrong. I'll never forget that horrible, sickening, helpless feeling that came over me. And I think you are right, as the mom we tend to feel more guilt because we are closer to everything. We feel it all more deeply. And I will also tell you that the nurses told my DH and I the day I was released from the hospital (the day after my daughter was born) to recognize that men and women grieve differently. She told me that women want to nest and stay home (and relive everything over and over again), and men want to get out and pretend that things are okay and normal. For us she was completely right and I was thankful that she had prepared me for that. My husband was supportive and he was sad, but he also didn't quite understand exactly how I felt. I imagine with everything going on in your DH's life right now, it's goign to be even harder for him because he's spread so thinly right now.

As for feeling the baby move, I remember that. It is so bittersweet. At first I hated it and I wanted it to stop (we found out something was wrong on a Monday, and I was induced on a Friday), but then I decided to embrace it and cherish the last days of my pregnancy. At the time I wasn't sure if it would happen again. I tried to tell myself that every kick was just her telling me that she loved me and that everything was going to be okay.

I think you are making the right decision in terms of getting the ashes. You are right, you are more likely to regret not doing it than you are to regret doing it. Then you can choose to do something with them if you want, whenever you want. My husband and I had a little "service" for my daughter at the ocean and scattered her ashes in the surf.

I also didn't believe in D&Es and early inductions and all of that (clinically called "abortions" or "therapeutic abortions" -- which I hated to hear), until it was my choice to make. Try not to feel guilty. You are simply taking your child off life support. You are making the decision that is best for your child. And no one knows what decision is best more than her parents.

It's great to hear that you might have found a new OB. You definitely need one who is more supportive of you in the future. Even though what happened with my daughter was highly unlikely to repeat, my doctor understood that I needed a lot more handholding. She referred me for Level II ultrasounds at 11 weeks, 15 weeks, 21 weeks and did u/s herself as often as I wanted. With that pregnancy I had more complications (again, unlikely to repeat) and with my current pregnancy even though all of this is unlikely to repeat, she sees me every two weeks just to keep an eye on things. It definitely helps to have a supportive doctor who recognizes that what you have been through needs more attention.

Oh, and I agree with Jenny. Don't go to the showers if you don't feel comfortable with it. If they are your friends, they should understand. Okay, I've talked enough. I am thinking of you and I hope that the D&E Monday goes well so you can move on with the next stage of this thing we all here know too well, grief.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks, Sully. Everything you said makes me feel a little better. More normal? I never thought of it in the way of taking her off of life support. I also think to myself that I should embrace these kicks but it just does remind me of the painful thing I have to do Tues. I know I'll have a plethora of emotions...that's why I do feel like nesting and not seeing anyone. ha! I'm very outgoing so it's not quite like me. Thanks again for sharing.

You ladies are really my lifeline right now besides the few people in my life I've let in this far. Thanks so much.

Yesterday in Starbucks (one thing that would make me feel better for a minute) a guy told me to "smile, it's less than 30 days til Christmas." I said, "sorry, you don't know my worries." To which he replied, "well you can't let that ruin Christmas." Of course you know the things I wanted to say but didn't.

Today is DDs bday party and while I am so happy I just can't really get into it. I'm more doing the motions. Two of the closest pg women in my life will be here and that will suck. I can't even drink some wine because I just can't do that. Sounds silly, but I am still pg.

[jeggink]

Portina I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I can't imagine how hard that is. Thinking of you.

Glamagal I am sorry for the impending loss of your daughter. I am the one Jennylou was referring to in her post. As someone who has had to make that decision, I know how hard it is. We made ours at 19.5 weeks and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I had one live son, 2 m/c, the loss of my daughter, and I just had a healthy son (whom we had lots of other pg issues, but on my side). It has been a long 2 years and even with all the m/c and the loss of my daughter, my risk wasn't any higher that most for the next pg. They kept a close eye on me with this last pg just to make sure, but my chance of having another chromosomal issue like I did with my daughter was ~1%. I still mourn my daughter and the fact that I will never had a daughter, we were so excited about it. After having this baby we are calling it quits. But I wanted to reassure you that when you decide you want to try again, make sure you see a perinatologist that can help you feel more secure about the pregnancy and do any testing you need. I think it's the only way I remained sane!

I would get as many personal memories of her as you can. I have a memory box in which I have her handprints, footprints, ultrasound images and some of the clothes/blankets she wore. We also took pictures, but we went through labor. We decided on cremation and saved her ashes till earlier this year when we spread them on DH's family plots so she would be with family. Do whatever you need to to grieve. I actually went on maternity leave for 6 weeks and that helped me a bit. Even a year later, I still feel the loss of her very strongly and probably always will. I think last year we didn't do anything for x-mas at home, didn't decorate or anything. I just didn't want to celebrate anything. Just give yourself plenty of time! Lots of HUGS and I hope you get through your D&E as painlessly as possible. Please feel free to PM me if you want.

[pocahontas]

As it turned out, three days after we discovered what had happened, Baby A started looking anemic (possibly losing blood flow back to her sister) and the peri sent me to L&D at 28 weeks. Our little survivor was born on Sept 21 and has been in the NICU since thenWOW...there are so many things here I wanted to comment on earlier when I read the new posts but it made me quite emotional and I had to come back later after I got myself together. First, PORTINASTORM, I am sorry you are joining us and your words above really hit home with me because my son was born and passed 3.5 weeks before your daughter gestation-wise and my DH and I were just talking tonight about how tough it would have been to have him in the NICU for months. My heart goes out to you.

Once I went to the NICU to see Alexa and saw a mom with triplets there and thought "Why did she get three and I couldn't even have two?" SOPHIA...I can totally relate to this except for me it was seeing or hearing about women who had had preemies like my baby yet theirs survived and mine didn't. I think it's totally understandable although I really feel bad about it after I think it and am working on just being happy for them.

I'm afraid to get pg again but at the same time want to soo bad.

The ob doing the d&e said she can get footprints and I do want those. DH and I differ on having the remains cremated/given to us. I want them but haven't really spoken up about it (but still can next week). I just feel all alone. I think the mother almost always feels more connected to the child, more responsible, and more at fault. Even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. I woke at 5 a.m. today and just sobbed. GlamaGal...I wish I knew what to say but I am right there with you on your bullet point above. I am so anxious to get pg again, but I know it will be terrifying. :( I also wanted to add that I did get footprints for my son as well as the ashes after cremation. We are going to do what JUDY did and scatter them on DH's father and grandfather's burial plot where we feel our son belongs. We just haven't done it yet...they are sitting on our entertainment center behind our engagement photo for right now. But I believe every word of what your said about the mother feeling more connected and responsible. I just sort of snapped at my DH tonight about not understanding why I am not in the "Christmas spirit" when he wanted to play Christmas music on the radio in the car. It's just so damn difficult...

It was the first time I went to BRU after losing DS and I cried the entire time that I was there.Jenny, I made the mistake of going in BRU to get something for a friend yesterday. I shoulda just ordered it online but I thought I was a big girl and could handle it. :( Walkin' in seeing all the cute little infant Christmas outfits...:( It was the absolute worst. I had to call my DH as soon as I got in the car because I felt like I was going to lose my mind...


Yesterday in Starbucks (one thing that would make me feel better for a minute) a guy told me to "smile, it's less than 30 days til Christmas." I said, "sorry, you don't know my worries." To which he replied, "well you can't let that ruin Christmas." Of course you know the things I wanted to say but didn't.
GG...I just wanted to say you are not alone in wanting to say things to strangers who make comments. In the past week I have had 3 different women make comments about my stomach (thinking I am pregnant because I have not completely lost my preggo "pooch" in the past 3 and a half weeks and I am beginning to resent my stomach to the point where I told DH I am going to do crunches every day, eat no sweets and lift weights on his exercise machine to get rid of it because it is a constant reminder of the fact that I have a tummy and no baby to show for it!) Anyway, I thought I was doing good because I'd lost 14 pounds (and only gained 11 while pregnant). But that thinking comes crashing down on times like today...DH and I were in the grocery store and the cashier smiled and motioned to my stomach. :( I told her the baby passed away. DH asks why I say that instead of just saying, "I already delivered the baby." I told him because that will bring on more questions from the average person like, "Awww...was it a girl or a boy?" etc.
(*SIDENOTE* Ladies...am I wrong? Did you encounter this and how did you handle it? I figured eventually when they ask more questions it will return to me having to tell them the baby died...so why not get it out the way immediately. They don't have anymore questions when I tell them from the get go. DH disagrees and tells me that it makes the asker feel "uncomfortable" when I respond that they baby has passed. What do you guys think? *END SIDENOTE*)

Anyway, just wanted to extend a {{{HUG}}}, GlamaGal. I can't imagine what it must be like feeling her kick but knowing way ahead of time what the outcome will be.


I would get as many personal memories of her as you can. I have a memory box in which I have her handprints, footprints, ultrasound images and some of the clothes/blankets she wore. We also took pictures, but we went through labor. We decided on cremation and saved her ashes till earlier this year when we spread them on DH's family plots so she would be with family I think last year we didn't do anything for x-mas at home, didn't decorate or anything. I just didn't want to celebrate anything. Just give yourself plenty of time! Lots of HUGS and I hope you get through your D&E as painlessly as possible. Please feel free to PM me if you want.JUDY...I didn't realize your loss was in November also. That makes 3 or 4 of us for whom that isn't a great month. Wow. I feel the same way about Christmas. I just told DH tonight that I am NOT sending out Christmas cards and if it gets done at all this year it's because he will do it. Otherwise, forget it. (I have a memory box with all of the same things you do but regret not having the blanket and hat that was on him after birth. I should have asked for it, but I was so numb I could barely think straight :( )

[LDS Angel 19]

(*SIDENOTE* Ladies...am I wrong? Did you encounter this and how did you handle it? I figured eventually when they ask more questions it will return to me having to tell them the baby died...so why not get it out the way immediately. They don't have anymore questions when I tell them from the get go. DH disagrees and tells me that it makes the asker feel "uncomfortable" when I respond that they baby has passed. What do you guys think? *END SIDENOTE*)


I think thoughts/feelings on this can differ a lot, and you have to just deal with it however you are most comfortable. Yeah, it might make people uncomfortable, but there's really no way to avoid it ya know? And I'd say at this point, how you feel is a lot more important then how random strangers feel.

[goldengbridge]

Portina- I am so sorry for you loss. I'm always so sad when new members join us.

Glam- I am very sorry to you also. My baby boy didn't have a heartbeat at 18w 4d and I wasn't given the decision on whether or not to have a D&C or an induction. My OB said that at the point I was at they don't do many D&Cs so I was induced and as hard as it was I'm glad I got to see Jacob and hold him and take pictures. But that was purely a personal choice and I can totally understand how so people may chose not to. I'm keeping your little one in my thoughts and prayers and will be thinking about you this week as you make some very difficult decisions.

I've been reading but not posting too much. Jacob's headstone came in about 6 weeks ago and when it was placed it took me back to the beginning and I was really having a difficult time. I felt like it was so final. Its getting a tiny bit easier when I go and visit him to see his name on that stone. While I'm glad its placed and that part is over its just so hard to see it there. The holidays are always so tough. I always think about how old he should be and what he should be doing. Xmas shopping is hard because I always see toys and think "He would love that." It just breaks my heart.

For the new members there is always hope. My rainbow baby, Ashlyn,is 9 months old now and completely healthy. She is such a blessing to us and I cherish her every single day. That is just one gift Jacob gave to us. He makes us appreciate his big brother and his baby sister every single day. Hugs to all of you.

[ali_ohli]

That is just one gift Jacob gave to us. He makes us appreciate his big brother and his baby sister every single day.

This is a beautiful sentiment. I feel the same way about our angel daughter and rainbow son.

Tomorrow is the year anniversary of our loss. I'm so busy caring for Henry, I almost didn't notice it creeping up on us. But here we are...and what a year it has been. My emotions are so incredibly mixed, as I imagine they always will be. We wouldn't have Henry if this awful thing hadn't happened to us. What sense will I ever make of that?

GlamaGal I'm so terribly sorry this is happening to you. I wish you comfort and strength in the days ahead. I also had to be induced before our baby had passed...there are no words for how heartbreaking those kicks felt when I knew what her fate would be. No words.

[ali_ohli]

Portina I'm sorry, I almost missed you there. I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is a devastating event, no matter what the circumstances. And I know how stressful the NICU experience is -- Henry was a 31 weeker and spent 6 weeks there. Please take care of yourself...all the best to you.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks, ali.

Today started the dilation with laminaria (seaweed sticks). That was painful as heck! I just kept thinking, "this will be the worst of it, this will be the worst of it". Tomorrow morning is the surgery. If anyone is the praying type, please pray that afterwards I'll be home healthy so I can be a good mommy to the daughter who is here. I am cramping right now but I have Tylenol with codeine that I can take. Thank God my mom is here to help me through tomorrow. Then two other good girlfriends have offered to come and stay here at the house. So I feel very blessed to have that if I want to take the codeine and sleep it all a way a few days longer.

I talked to a high-school girlfriend last night whose baby had Turner's Syndrome and she was induced at 22 wk. I was there for her during that time 12 yr. ago, but of course I wasn't a mom and I'm sure I didn't realize a lot of things. In a way, I'm blessed to have someone so close to me to have had a baby with a neural tube defect. She told me that after tomorrow, I will feel worse and everything will shift back to the fact that I have lost a child. I thought that already.

At least we're going to FL for a month in a week+, so I can look forward to being around people that don't know me, having my MIL & FIL to lean on/help with DD, and soaking up some nice scenery given the pretty negative thoughts in my mind.

Oh yes...the Christmas music was blaring at the OB office and while we sat there one of the nurses and the receptionist was putting up the tree and the other decor. Now, I love Christmas, but I was thinking couldn't that have been UP already or put up later?? The kicker was after my appt. the receptionist was scheduling me for the 2-week follow-up with my OB (the other OB tomorrow is the only one who does D&Cs, D&Es, etc.). So she schedules it and then she says, "so do you still want to keep your ultrasound with your dr. for next week?" (it would have been the big u/s). I wish I could have said, "What do YOU think?" Instead I just said "no". This is just another reason in a long line of them for why I need to change offices.

[Sully130]

Glamagal - Ugh, that laminaria was the worst! I was in such obvious pain, plus it made me bleed a little, and just watching it, my husband nearly passed out! It was dreadful. I think also that all these things are made more painful simply because it's all for such a sad outcome. I remember going through labor thinking, "I could totally do this if it were for a live, healthy baby." but I went through all that pain just so I could have my heart broken in a million pieces. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It's great that you have that friend; no one I knew understood at all what I was going through and that made it all that much harder, you know?

God's peace to you.

[pocahontas]

I mentioned this poem the other day, but I realize it's probably not appropriate for the OP who asked since it's for for the mom and dad of a angel baby actually. But I will post it for all of us because I love it so...

SILENT FOOTPRINTS
We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now and listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother. He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child...the child we never had.
But now you're gone, but yet you're here. We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy. There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong. We'll forget you never.
The child we had, but never had and yet will have forever.

[portinastorm]

Thank you all for your kind words. Our survivor baby is home and doing so well. Our situation makes me realize every minute how lucky we are to have her. She is just miraculous and I can't get enough of her. Focusing on her helps dull the pain of her sister's death, but every now and then the reality of what has happened just takes my breath away. How can things be so awful and yet so wonderful at the same time? It is hard to look at our survivor and imagine that there is another little soul out there that would look exactly like her. Even in the few photos I have of our baby who died, I can sometimes see a resemblance between the two girls. But I cling to the thought that the soul of the baby who died does live on in our survivor and in me. Another thought that has been comforting me is that our baby who died was so loved her entire short life. She never experienced any other emotion from me or her father and never knew any of the painful parts of life. I hope that she knew and still knows how much we loved her.

Sully - I have read A Grief Observed - I sat down one night and just devoured it. It was painful for me to read about another's grief so vividly, and the honest and intense nature of his doubt scared me. I don't know that I came away from it feeling renewed in my faith, but somehow I know I was comforted by it. I think it was cathartic to read about the process of another's grief. I especially liked how he was able to feel her presence and remember her more vividly when he wasn't so focused on his grief.

Glama - thinking of you today and saying prayers that you will be home and healthy and that the worst will truly be behind you soon. I'm so sorry.

[jennylou]

Our old thread is too long, please check out the new thread. (http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38444)