Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss support group

[ali_ohli]

K Thanks, lady. Terrifying is the word; I'm still traumatized. It defies all logic that someone could lose *that* much blood and still have a healthy little fetus. (I had 1st-tri bleeding during my first pregnancy, too, but NOTHING like this.) Anyway, I'm hoping it indicates that this kid is a fighter. He or she is going to need to be!

Meeting w/ the MFM doc (Peaceman) on Thursday to discuss cerclage. I'm wondering if this latest episode will change anyone's mind about my diagnosis, now that I've had dramatic bleeding episodes in both pregnancies (I had a similar gush happen in my 2nd tri with my angel pregnancy). It's crazy to me that I could have all these unrelated problems, but that's what all the docs keep trying to tell me.

I'm going for a second opinion (w/ the Evanston MFM dept.) next week -- I figure it can't hurt, and my situation is strange enough to warrant it, methinks.

Where's Dr. House when you need him?? He'd figure me out. ;)

***

Hope everyone had nice Easter holidays, and that the Easter bunny was good to your rainbow darlings (and to you!). :)

[clzj]

Ali- the Evanston MFM is very nice. I saw them with my first child.

[ali_ohli]

Thanks, clzj -- I'm glad to hear that. I know NMH is very good, but I figure it can't hurt to get more information.

[jennylou]

ali and Michelle - I'm thinking about you ladies right now....

[ali_ohli]

thank you, Jenny. I'm still holding steady. :)

Has anyone heard an update on LDS?

[jenahdawn]

From her LJ and talking to her (Michelle)

She had some contractions on Saturday. They figured out she was dehydrated, so an IV later and the contractions stopped.

The girls' newest game is trying to hide from the monitors.

Otherwise, everyone seems to be doing well and in good spirits, and she'll be there until she has them.

[ali_ohli]

Thanks, Jenah. I'm so glad they're doing okay!

[Ericka_Jarett]

How are all you ladies doing?

We were in FL for a few days, got back on the 12th. Easton got his first haircut while there (he got a mickey hat, certificate and his hair wrapped with pixie dust) We had a good time.

I see the peri on Wednesday which is also Rebekah's 2nd anniversary, so if you think about it, pray for peace on that day for me.

Had a little breakdown on my b-day on the way home from the airport. Just missing Rebekah so much that day. I am so grateful to have Easton and now the new baby, of course I can't forget my first born though.

[Lisa]

Ericka, thinking and praying for you and your family today! May you feel the Lord's presence throughout your day. God Bless

[ali_ohli]

Praying for strength for you today, Ericka. {{{hugs}}}

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies. It means a lot to have your thoughts and prayers today. DH and I were talking a little last night and I was saying how I can't believe it's 2 yrs already. We have come a long way. DH said just think we have a little blessing just 15ft from us with another on the way. Can't help but smile thinking about our little guy who was asleep at the time.

My peri appt was rescheduled for Monday, due to the peri having to do an emergency c-section.

[ali_ohli]

DH said just think we have a little blessing just 15ft from us.

...and right there in your tummy. ;)

[Ericka_Jarett]

yup. I fixed my comment, got distracted for a min while typing.

[jenahdawn]

Thinking of E...and Rebekah today!

[jenahdawn]

Hey, guys, Michelle posted in LJ today:

Not a whole lot going on, which is good i guess. Girls are fine, i feel fine. I have a peri appt this afternon, but I don't even feel like going since they're not going to tell me anything i don't already know. sigh. Doing the three hour GTT tomorrow, double sigh.

Somebody told me the first two weeks are the hardest, i sure hope they are right. My feelings are starting to remind me a little of the early grief stuff. Just having to get though the day hour by hour, and putting on a happy face for others while secretly hurting inside.

don't really know what else to say.

(she's 25/5 today)

~~~~~~

In other words, she's got cabin fever, but it's a great thing....everyone's where they are supposed to be!

[ali_ohli]

Jenah, that's awesome news -- thanks for updating us. I can't imagine how draining it must be to stay in the hospital that long, but the great news is those girls are still baking! She is now past a pivotal point in pregnancy and will do great. YEAH!!!!!

[sophiapb]

Just swinging by to check in on Ericka and Michelle. I hope everyone is doing well or at least hangin' in there.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks Sophia, hanging in there today.

Michelle - keep hanging in theregirl, you are going to bring home 2 healthy baby girls.

Jenah - thanks for the update

[Ericka_Jarett]

Well ladies, had my peri appt tonight. Here is a summary:

Exciting day in this family. Finally had my peri appt.

Well just got in from my appt finally. Was suppose to be at 5, we got there at 5:30 due to traffic, doctor didn't get there til about 6:15 and we finally were leaving around 7:30 or so. It was pretty mucha standard peri appt for me, since I have been to a peri before. Gave him some background on my 2 previous pregnancies and we talked about cerclage with this pregnancy and then he said well lets get an accurate date for you. Due Date is not changed it's still November 22, 2007. But will probably deliver end of October he said.

He started the u/s and was just talking a bit and said hmmm, well Jarett and I both saw the baby and couldn't believe what we were seeing until the doctor said well this is going to change things a bit.

You are pregnant with Twins. I almost died, I thought I saw it but wanted to make sure of what I was seeing hoping he would said something before I asked. I will be getting my cerclage (most likely a stitch this time) in about 3-4 weeks when I am between 13-14 weeks. The heartbeats were really strong and looks like they are fraternal.

[goldengbridge]

OMG Ericka!!!! Congrats!!!!! That is so exciting!!:eek: :D

[sophiapb]

Oh. My. GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!! That's amazing, Ericka. Huge Congratulations. :D

[jennylou]

Um, I just saw Ericka's siggie in another thread and came here to say HOLY CRAP! :eek:

ETA - lol, this is obviously coming from me, who has a DD a little older than your DS - I just can't imagine being pregnant right now, much less with twins. :p

Congrats though, such great blessings. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Wow!!! That's a double blessing!!
hugs,
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

thanks ladies.

Jenny - it's a shock to us, never expected him to put that u/s doppler on me and up pops a pic of 2 babies. Just going to be praying a whole lot through this pregnancy.

[amygrrl]

ericka - a huge CONGRATS!!! and we'll be praying for you as well!

kimmie - glad to see you are still lurking. i got your PM, just have been swamped. call me when you have your head above water. malin and i would love to see the little bean!

michelle - any news on her???

-------------

as for us, my nuchal translucency results were fabulous so there's no amnio required. and my cervix measure 4.1. i'll go in to see the peri today and i'm pretty certain he'll hold on the cerclage for now. and probably keep a really close eye on it. i'll also start the progesterone shots in about 3 weeks... wee hee! tons of fun! i can't believe i'm already 13.5 wks and the 1st trimester is over. man, this is going fast.

[clzj]

Ericka-congrats.

We have made it past the point of the loss. Yesterday was the week/day in pg where we lost the angel baby. This one is still moving today. I have a little over 2 weeks left. I will have the baby on May 11. Have not started to wash any baby clothes or that because my little guy turned 4 today so getting ready for his party. Next week I will start washing the baby stuff.

[jenahdawn]

Michelle's still got massive cabin fever. Otherwise, everyone's still staying put.

[LDS Angel 19]

yup, thats about right. i've had some rough days recently. found out i'm borderlne GD so they're messing with my diet and poking my poor finger 4 times a day. really the last thing i needed ya know?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - good to hear from you. i be joing you in the finger pokes. I had to do that wit my pregnancy with Easton and know I will again and haven't even done the test. Hang in there girl only a little while until you get to hold your girls. When do they see delivering by? My peri said it will be October for me.

[Lisa]

Ericka,
I just saw your sig in another thread and came over here to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! what a blessing actually double blessing:D :D :D

[firefly]

another lurker coming to say congratulations to Erica and I'm praying for your babies (and eveyone elses in this thread)

[Hula1974]

ETA - lol, this is obviously coming from me, who has a DD a little older than your DS - I just can't imagine being pregnant right now, much less with twins. :p
Lurking to try to find a good place to post my congrats to Erika (knew I'd find her here). WOW, what wonderful news for you. I quoted jennylou's comment because my DS is about the same age as Easton as well. And boy, don't know if I could do it! Looking forward to your updates.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies

Jennylou Can you update my age to 33 Thanks

[udsweetpea]

Ericka I'm coming out of my lurkdom here to say Congratulations!!!

[Giveret]

Congratulations Ericka!


I am completely new here. This is my very first post. An online acquaintance at Fertility Friend suggested I participate in this group. My little boy was born at 22 gestational weeks 10 weeks ago. I miss him terribly, learning to live again and growing a thick skin. I look forward to future discussions. May we all have some peace, someday.
Giveret

[Astro]

giveret I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. This is a fantastic place to find comfort and support while coping with your loss. Sending you hugs.

[ali_ohli]

I'm so sorry, Giveret. I too lost a child at 22 weeks just six months ago. It's an experience I wish no one had to know. "Learning to live again" is certainly an accurate description of the initial period after the loss. Just go easy on yourself -- do what feels right for you and don't worry about pleasing others for the moment. Lots of (((hugs))) and prayers for you and your family.

[ali_ohli]

Quick update on me... I had my preventative cerclage placed last Thursday and am on light bedrest for the week. Everything seems okay so far (except for some unnerving discharge, but hey -- it wouldn't be my body if something weren't a little strange). But frankly, I am terrified. Now that I've had the surgery, I feel so much more invested, you know? And it was so hard to be back in the hospital for the surgery -- I really hate that place.

It's really hard to think positively and not feel sorry for myself. But I know so many of you have gotten through this. I just hope and pray I can find the same strength you all did. Please pray for me and the little one; I would really appreciate it. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Giveret, I am glad you found us, and am so sorry for the loss of your son. Please take comfort and lean on us! We are here for you! Learning to live again doesn't come easily but the women in this thread, and the rainbow babies that came after our losses are truly an inspiration to know we can move forward in life, despite never forgetting our angels.

Ali, great news that the cerclage went well... I am pryaing for you always!!
hugs,
Kimmie

PS Josh is doing great... eating like a piggie, and gaining weight. We go for his 2month visit on Wednesday, and can't wait to see what he's up to now! I can't believe how much I love this little guy.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies for the congrats

The prayers are always appreciated, please keep those coming. I see the doctor again this Wednesday and we will be talking about the cerclage. I leave the next day for my mom's for a few days, sorting out stuff and hoping the weather stays nice so I can have a yard sale on Saturday.

[jennylou]

Giveret - welcome to the group. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I hope that you find the support that you are looking for here. Please jump right in and post as much as you like. We're not always extremely chatty, but we will respond to posts as much as possible.


And with that, since I forget to check this thread, I'm off to put it as an email subscription. :)

[sophiapb]

Hi Giveret. I'm sorry about your little boy. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I'm so sorry that all of us have experienced it. We're here for you if you need to vent or need a few shoulders to cry on or just want to talk about how your wonderful little boy. :)


May 26 is Alexa's 2nd birthday and the 2nd anniversary of Alexander's passing. I've been talking about Alexander quite a bit recently. I joined a mothers group and several people have made comments on how busy it must be with twins and a toddler and how my second pregnancy must have been so difficult given that it was a twin pregnancy and was I surprised that it was twins and yada, yada, yada. I used to just sort of nod but as I've gotten more involved with this group and come to know the women better, I've become more open about the details of my first pregnancy. I used to be very protective of Alexander and wouldn't give any info on him if someone didn't specifically probe but I've eased up a bit. I'm not really sure why although I suspect it has to do with my three girls. I guess I want them to know about Alexander and accept him and that can't really happen if I make him a huge secret. I think I've also come to terms a bit with his passing and I can finally talk about him without turning into a blubbering mess. I still haven't been able to look at his photos from the hospital but I think that will come with time. Hey, I'm not superwoman!!!!!!!! but I'm pleased by how far I've come. I keep watching the bush that we planted with Alexander's ashes since it's due to bloom anytime now. I think I'm going to get a photo of Alexa, Elise and Corinne in front of the flowering bush. I had wanted to get a photo of Alexa with Alexander's bush last year but I missed the blooms and that was sort of my sign from Alexander that everything was okay. This year I'll get the shot and Alexa will be joined with her two sisters. It will mean a lot to me.

[jenahdawn]

We were in Chicago last week and I have felt the girls with us so much lately. You know how some days you don't feel them with you as much? Well, even Matt's noticed that they seemed to be with us constantly.

And yesterday morning, I had a conversation with Chloe. Just Chloe. (Katie was busy with daddy) (I know I can say this here without people thinking I am nuts because you guys get it)

[amygrrl]

giveret - i'm so sorry you've joined our 'club'. but we're here if you need anything.

us - we've had a rough couple of weeks here. dan had finals for his 2nd yr of his mba and he's had to travel for work. he left for the airport at 4 am this morning and he won't be home until friday. he was also out of town almost all of last week. my cervix is still measuring fine per the u/s. but i'm nervous. my next appointment/ u/s isn't until next thursday and that seems like so far away. but i have malin to keep me distracted... and chasing after a 1 yr old definitely keeps you busy. we're less than a week away from avery's birthday and i'm wondering how it will be this year... her tree in the park is so huge now... probably 15 ft tall or so. and i love to take malin there to play. she loves to play with the tree's branches and i sit with her while she does and tell her about her sister.

i was also thinking the other day how i thought i'd never feel like i was anything but broken after losing avery. but now i feel like i'm ok. not ok with what happened. but just ok. like i'm a survivor.

[clzj]

Just thought I would let you know that we have another Rainbow baby. Anastasia was born yesterday. I will write more when I am back home and not doing this on my pda.

[Astro]

Congratulations! Welcome to the world Anastasia

[ali_ohli]

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome, darling baby Anastasia! Congrats, clzj!

i was also thinking the other day how i thought i'd never feel like i was anything but broken after losing avery. but now i feel like i'm ok. not ok with what happened. but just ok. like i'm a survivor.

Amy, I think that's a really beautiful sentiment. You sound so strong. I hope to get there one day.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats clzj, welcome Anastasia!!!!! (beautiful name)

Amy - it's true, we are survivors, never forgetting our lost little ones or what happened, still pressing on each day though. We are all stronger then we ever thought could possibly be true for someone. I know I am a stronger person for surviving Rebekah's loss.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Update - went to my peri appt today, babies are doing great. Strong heartbeats and growing right on target. I will be getting the cerclage in 2 weeks on the 21st. Then will be light activity until 20 weeks and then moderate bedrest until delivery. He said that he will take the stitch out at 36-37 weeks, but may go a little earlier like 34-35 weeks since I go fast with delivery. Hoping to let them back as much as possible, want them home not in the NICU at a hospital 40 mins away. So please keep us in prayer. Thanks ladies.
---------------------------------------------------------------

[sophiapb]

Oh Lynn, that's wonderful! Congratulations on the arrival of Anastasia! I love that name and considered it for both of my pregnancies. I'm so happy for you and your family! :D

[goldengbridge]

Welcome Anastasia!

Happy Mothers Day ladies! I'm thinking of you all today!

[Sully130]

Amy, I agree with Ali, that's a really great sentiment and wonderful way to look at the pain and hardship we have all known too well.

We are survivors. And on days like today, Mother's Day, more than most, I think of all of us survivors. Some of us have gone on to become mothers to children who live with us on this earth, but some have not. My heart goes out to all of you. So many take a day like today for granted. They want to become a mother and nine months later they do. They probably aren't aware that for some people this journey to motherhood is the hardest, most challenging, most heartbreaking road ever taken.

I have to believe though that one day all of us will have our rainbow babies, our miracles, our reason to believe in good. I hope for any of you still waiting that day comes soon. And happy Mother's Day to all of us. We are all mothers, whether it be to angels or earthly children.

~~~~
I've been away from here for a while, but I think of you all so often. I read along but don't always post. I owe a quick congratulations to clzj on the birth of Anastasia. THat's wonderful news and I can't wait to read more. Congrats also to Ericka on your twins. I hope this pregnancy is manageable for you.

Giveret, I am so sorry you had to join this group. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I hope you are finding the comfort and support you need.

[amygrrl]

clzj - CONGRATS!

i just read what i wrote and it's not a week until avery's birthday... i dunno what i was thinking or writing, since her birthday is june 3rd. toddler brain, i guess. anyway, it's coming up. and i'm pretty sure that's what i meant. :rolleyes:

anyway, i'm thinking of all of us today. of the babies we have and the babies we're missing and the babies that are yet to come.

[jenahdawn]

Posting this here, there and everywhere:

http://www.petitiononline.com/122468/petition.html

[jennylou]

[

i was also thinking the other day how i thought i'd never feel like i was anything but broken after losing avery. but now i feel like i'm ok. not ok with what happened. but just ok. like i'm a survivor.

This is much how I feel.

If you watch "Brothers and Sisters" and haven't watched it yet - here is your forewarning. There is a premature birth of twins. One lives, the other dies. DH and I held hands and sobbed as Uncle Sal called everyone to let them know. They'd all left the hospital thinking things would be okay and went on about their lives. Then, it shows the reaction. In many ways, I think that's probably how our family felt getting the phone call. I say imagine, because although everyone knew and was at the hospital super quick, I'm not sure who called who. I know one cousin was told to call people and the first two people she called already knew, so she quit calling. Sorry, rambling....

Andrew's bday is next Sunday and his Angel day is next Tuesday. This last week, I've been thinking about him often. Random things remind me of him. I can't believe it's been two years....

[myangelsvw]

So much going on!

Congrats to clzj on the birth of Anastasia! Wonderful news! And congrats to Ericka on her twins - can't believe how many twins there are in this group. And glad to hear Ali and LDS and amy are still going strong in their pregnancies.

Giveret - I'm sorry for the loss of your son. Feel free to post about whatever you need to. I remember when I first started posting, it seemed like everyone else was so much further along than I was. But I gained so much by talking about how I was feeling because even though folks weren't there themselves anymore, they could all relate and help me feel a little less alone.

jenny - Will be thinking about you and Andrew in the coming days.

sophia - Is Alexander's bush blooming yet? I wanna see that picture! Our forget-me-nots bloomed about a week before mother's day. It was really nice.

As for me, we're close to what should have been my boys' first birthday. I've been thinking about them and missing them a lot. It's funny, but I still feel first and foremost like a failed mom and a failed twinmom even though I have my rainbow twins. I couldn't bring myself to join any of the threads that a lot of you have joined (high risk pregnancies, twin moms, due date threads). And I don't know why that is exactly except that it is connected to that feeling of still being a failure. I wonder when that will fade.

[jenahdawn]

I may as well out myself, as some of you may have seen me posting other places.

EDD: 12/8-12/13

I can't bring myself to join the Dec. thread, and I can't stand to see the multiples thread anymore. (The Dec. thread for various reasons, I mean, it's not my first time, and I'm just not giddy/blissfully naive; the multpiles thread should be obvious.)

There's only one this time. And I got to hear HB today, really fast and strong.

But it's just not the same.

[udsweetpea]

I've told you this before, Jenah, but congratulations! I'll be keeping you and your little one in my thoughts for a very healthy and happy pregnancy!

[myangelsvw]

And a public congrats from me, too, jenah. Between you and sophia, I get the master secret keeper award. :p
Glad you heard a good, strong heartbeat. And while I know it's not the same, I hope it might help keep some of the anxiety at bay. I know being able to say "well, it's not identicals" helped me stay sane some days as much as it made me sad other days.

[ali_ohli]

Wow, Jenah, that's so great! I'll keep you in my prayers. I know it's not the same, I know all too well...but try to remember that this baby needs your love and excitement, too. I do find myself scared to bond with the baby I'm carrying now, and it makes me sad -- it's like I'm letting the grief win, you know?

As for me, yes, still baking. :) 15 weeks now. But frankly, every week it gets a little harder as I get that much more invested. This pregnancy has had its own set of complications, and the anxiety is truly overwhelming at times. <<sigh>> I try to just be thankful each day I make it through.

ETA: I sorta joined the November mommies, but I have nothing to say there. I wish I could chatter away about what kind of stroller to buy, but that's just not my journey right now...to say the least.

[Kimmiebride]

I wish I could chatter away about what kind of stroller to buy, but that's just not my journey right now...to say the least.


Totally how I felt about the due date thread. I am also on Fertility Friend, and I would get livid when I would hear some woman bitching about losing her figure, hating being pregnant etc. The oblivious have no idea how much anyone who has lost a baby or struggled with infertility would give their left arm to have those symptoms and a growing healthy belly.

Congrats to Jenah, and ali so glad things are moving right along. Holding you guys in prayer, and knowing things will be different this time around! myangelsvw... FWIW, I still feel like a failure sometimes because I can't breastfeed my son. Sure, he's getting some milk from me, and that's better than nothing, but I really wanted to be swollen with milk for him, and its just a few drops. I begin to think there will always be something that will make me feel this way, but when I look into his wide blue eyes there is hope and joy, and that feels really good.
hugs to all,
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - public congrats to you!!!! I am praying for you. Thanks for the book, in case I forgot to tell you I received it a while ago.

Kimmie - I know what you mean about feeling bad about not being able to bf. I tried with Easton and could only pump about 1/2 oz if I was fortunate each pump session. I was taking Fenugreek, Brewer's Yeast and even Reglin (not suppose to be on long, cause it can cause health issues) Nothing increased my supply, so we were stuck with formula.

Ali - glad to hear you made it to 15 weeks. I am 13w 2d now. I have my surgery on Monday for the cerclage. Please keep me in prayer, I am a bit nervous, since last time it was a pessary and no spinal needed.
----------------------------------
Today ran around getting my car registered and insured, then later in the month will deal with getting DH's car done, he has to get his license hopefully on Tuesday or Wednesday as he is staying home to help with Easton so I can relax. Hoping he will go during Easton's 2-3 hour nap.

[clzj]

Congrats Jenah

I know what you mean about the group threads. I joined the May one but I did not contribute a lot. In the May moms there was/is a lady that is have a home birth and doing it all on her own. I had a very hard time reading her posts. I think that had to do with the loss.

You do make it through the pg. I made it through mine. Did I worry on the day that we had the previous loss. Yes I did. I also had a dr appointment that day. That helped. My loss was so late in the pg it was hard not to worry every day until the week/day mark passed. Now we need to decide if we are going to find out what we lost. I would like to bring home the urn so that is here. There is so much to think about.

Here is how the birth of Anastasia played out.


I finally have time to write the birth story. For the most part mine was uneventfullyexcept that it happened 3 days early.

I went in for my dr appointment on TuesdayMay 8, which was a dr and nst. The doctor did not like the nst results so she went me for an ultrasound to do a check on my fluid. The dr did know that I had eaten on my way to the appointment and that was part of the reason she was not liking the nst. On the ultrasound my fluid was at a 9. It was not completely low. We knew by the way the dr was taking her time coming in to see me and the way she walked in that we were having the baby Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. The dr felt that it was best to have the baby on Tuesday due to the fact the ISaiah drank his fluid and with the loss. We agreed to be safe then sorry. I went back to work to clean up some stuff and then went to the hospital. Because I had eaten at 12 PM they pushed my c-section time off until 8PM. When I got to the hospital I vali parked my care and walked to L&D. The took me back to the OR at 8PM. The started to prep me for the c-section. The anestilogist wanted to do an epiduaral but I talked her into a spinal because that is what I have had in the past. So she did the spinal. The started the c-section at 8:30 and Anastasia was born at 8:42. Not bad. DH and I have not decided if we were going to have my tubes tied or not. IF we had decided to it would notbe possible with thec-secton because I have to much scare tissue because of 3rd c-section and endometrios. So if I decided to have my tubes tied it will be another surgery. It was also discovered that my uterus was very thin in the bottom which is not good because I have never labored ordone natural childbirth. I do need to talk to my dr about if we did want to have another child is that a possibility or not. The doctor did have to do some cosmeticsurgery with my abs because of the scare tissue. I feel that I am doing much better after this c-section and there was more stiches done. This time I have stiches for the c-section set instead of staples. I feel that the recovery is easier with the stiches. So that is Anastasia's birth story.


Now for her stats:
May 8, 2007
8:42 PM
19 inches
6 pounds 13 ounces

[myangelsvw]

ali - I was thinking about you last night. I was doing a little cleaning up during the (much too short) time they were both napping last evening, and I ran across some of the notes I made when I was monitoring my irritable uterus for contractions. I looked at how freaking many contractions I had, turned to DH, and said that I had no idea how I stayed as sane as I did during the pregnancy. And, yet, we made it. And so will you.

kimmie - Glad to hear I'm not the only one who wrestles with feelings of failure. Well, sort of. Not glad to hear you feel that way. You know what I mean. :p Even more glad to hear what a strong bond you have with your little guy. He sounds wonderful. :D

ericka - Will be keeping you in my thoughts on Monday.

clzj - Good luck deciding on whether to find out more about the baby you lost. I know that must be a difficult decision.

[Kimmiebride]

clzj, I had stiches too, and a much easier recovery than I thought I would have! Thanks for sharing Anastasia's birth story, and glad things are going well!

Ericka, prayers going up!!

Myangelsvw, yep... I know what you mean. It makes me feel so much more "normal" to know I am not the only one who feels like this. People expect you to be "over" whatever struggles you have been through once you have a healthy child, and while I am much better, it's still there lurking.
hugs to all!
Kimmie

[boilermaker]

Dropping by to give a great big congrats to Jenah!!!!!! What wonderful news! I'll be thinking of you this pg and praying that it is blessedly uneventful.

Jenny, you know you are in my prayers this week. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. Dinner, a friend to talk to, someone to watch Nora for a few hours, just let me know.

[ginadc]

Jenny, just wanted to poke my head in to say I've been thinking about you, and will especially be holding you in my heart tomorrow.

[jenahdawn]

I'll be thinking of you (and Andrew) all day tomorrow, Jenny.

[Kimmiebride]

Thinking of you Jenny, and sending you strength and hugs...
love,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Thank you for all your thoughts this week, ladies. I really appreciate it.

It seems, that IRL people have forgotten for the most part. Or they certainly don't remember his bday and angel day. Sad, really. :( DHs Aunt remembered and took him some flowers. Her son is buried two plots away (his Grandma, Andrew's Great Grandma is between them) and his bday is the day before Andrew's.

My sister remembered, DHs sister remembered. My mom remembered, and my step mom too. SIL saw DH and I crying in mass on Sunday and knew why (but don't know if she'd have commented otherwise - I'd like to think so).

And my wonderful friends here and on lj remembered. Jody and Carrie (CC ladies featured in the Redbook article with me) thought of me today as well. I had some nice flowers on the doorstep today from them.

So, thanks to our caring friends and some family, we remember him and we somehow get through the hurt and pain.

I can't believe it's been two years. Some days it seems like yesterday. I can still feel that same feeling - you know the one that feels like not only did you just have your heart ripped out of your chest but the one where it also feels like you got run over by a mac truck? And then, sometimes, it feels like a lifetime ago.

[ali_ohli]

Jenny, thinking lots of warm thoughts for you and your family. The mac truck feeling is oh so familiar -- sometimes I'm still in total disbelief that this happened to me.

In the midst of this difficult time, I do hope you know that you are such a shining example of strength for me and many others. Like amygrrl wrote a few days ago, you are a survivor! And it's something to be proud of, even though you never asked for it.

((((hugs))))

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi ladies,

Thanks for the thoughts Kimmie and Myangles, appreciate them. Monday went well, the babies looked great before the surgery and spinal and again after the surgery was over. I see the doctor in 2 weeks and then 2-3 weeks later will have the anatomy scan done. I'm 14 weeks tomorrow.

Jenny - glad to hear remembered you and Andrew. I was thinking of you this week as well.

[amygrrl]

jenny - we've been thinking of you and andrew around here lately as well. it seems so weird that there are several of us who all lost our babies within something like 2 months of each other. man, the spring/ summer of 2005 sucked.

ericka - glad to hear things went so well. i can't believe you are already 14 wks. where is the time going? wasn't it just like a month or 2 ago when we were preggo with our kids?

clzj - i love hearing birth stories here! especially relatively uneventful ones! ;)
------

as for me/us... i'm 17+ wks at this point. what the heck!? :eek: i really only have a few months left of just me and malin which seems so weird to me. i had another u/s last week to check my cervix and while they were there, i asked about the sex and they *think* it's another girl. we'll have confirmation in a couple of weeks when we have our level 2. we started the weekly pio shots for preterm labor yesterday and i'm proud to say dh sucked it up (after me telling him to man up!) and did a great job.

it's a little over a week until avery's birthday. not sure what we're going to do since my best friend will be here from out of state. definitely go take pics of the tree which is something like 15 ft now.

[ali_ohli]

amygrrl I start the P17 shots next week. Is your DH giving them to you? I have to make an extra trip to the OB office on the off weeks I don't see him (I'm switching off between peri and OB) and it would be nice if my DH could do it, too.

ericka so glad to hear your cerclage went off without a hitch! It's really not that bad a deal for the peace of mind and insurance it provides.

me... my cerclage is holding, cervix hasn't changed (and hopefully WON'T!). But continuing cramps and tightening contractions. I'm doing a better job of managing the anxiety this week, but man...last week I think I cried multiple times every day. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever been through.

[Ericka_Jarett]

thanks ladies.

My anatomy scan is scheduled for the 28th of June, I will be 19 weeks, so hoping we can find out what the twins are at that time. Only thing I bought was a sleep positioner as it was on clearance and I knew I would need one. We are holding off on clothes and the car seat until about 28 weeks or so DH said. Clothes I may get 1 outfit for each of them if I see something I really like.

I go back on the 6th for the follow-up on the surgery. At that time he said he will check the cervix and make sure things are holding as they should. He told me after the surgery that my cervix was a little shortened, didn't say how much or anything, so hopefully we stopped anything before it really started up.
-----------
Easton is such a cutie lately. His 2nd tooth is coming in, he is trying to crawl forward, has the scooting in circles and backwards pretty much down pat already. He is mister personality and I love it.

[amygrrl]

ali_ohli - yup, dh is giving them to me. of course he freaked out at first, but it was that or me make extra trips with malin to the dr and i basically told him to quit his whining and do it. so he did. and since i didn't faint or scream, he says he can do them now.

[jeggink]

Hey ladies, I have't been around much but have been keeping up. I have been laying low a bit due to the fact we are pg again, 11w3d. We are due 12/16 and are very excited but very cautious at the same time. We just have our nuchal translucency u/s and it went very well. I think I will be paranoid throughout this entire pg. I am sure you know that feeling. We have some different issues to get through this time, but I am sure we will.

I am glad so many of you are holding up OK and there are so many rainbow babies on the way! I still think about Kayla all the time.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jeggink - Congrats!!!!!!

[Kimmiebride]

Stopping by to offer congrats to Jeggink!

Josh had a visit to the ped today, and he's 10lbs 14oz... I can't believe my little tiny preemie is so big! He's busting through his milestones, and the nurse practitioner was really impressed!
I am a proud momma!
hugs to all!
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Wow, congrats to all the preggos! It looks like there will be a bumper crop of rainbow babies for the Fall and Winter. Yahoo!

myangelsvw-I saw your post a while back about Alexander's lilac tree and was waiting to get a photo of the tree before I replied. Yes, it bloomed beautifully and was so fragrant. Several times I would be out on the deck with the girls and would smell a whiff of the lilac perfume when we were playing and it was wonderful. I felt so lucky to be enjoying a beautiful Spring day outside with my four children around me. :)
I just realized that the date on this photo was exactly two years after the last time that I felt Alexander move when I knew that it was him moving (as opposed to Alexa bumping him). I hadn't felt him move all day so that evening I poked him and I felt him move and then curl up against my hand. I now know that he was saying good-bye.

http://i111.photobucket.com/albums/n138/sophiapb/babies/100_2192.jpg?t=1180579705

Alexa's 2nd birthday was on Saturday. We had a barbeque just for family and it was hectic but nice. Last year when we did her first birthday party, I was still mourning Alexander. It was Alexa's birthday but also the 1st anniversary of Alexander's stillbirth. I was also ten weeks pregnant with another set of twins and scared silly that there would be problems with that pregnancy as well. As wonderful as it was to have my little girl turn a year old, it wasn't an easy time.
This year was so different. Alexa is a beautiful and energetic 2 year old and Elise and Corinne are strong, healthy and gorgeous and almost 6 months old. Elise and Corinne would not be here had Alexander survived so I really think they are the reason why he couldn't stay. If I had been pregnant with a singleton with my first pregnancy, we would have counted our blessings, loved that baby and not tried for anymore. But being pregnant with twins and then losing one made us want to try our luck again and that's when we got Elise and Corinne. I honestly believe that Alexander came to us to prepare us for his younger sisters and I'm thankful to him for that. We have a good life, we're happy and I think we've found some peace.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Sophia - the lilac tree is beautiful, what a great reminder of your little man. Your family photos is gorgeous and you all look very happy. Glad to hear that you finally have been able to find some peace. Alexander is up in Heaven looking down on all of you and smiling, I am sure. He is happy that you are all happy and healthy.

The way you described the last time you felt Alexander move was beautiful, he probably was saying his good-bye and that he loves you, your DH and his sisters.

If we ever get a house of our own, I want to plant a tree for Rebekah. Since we live in an apartment there is no way we can do that now.

The other day I was feeding Easton in the middle of the night and just started crying. I was thinking about Rebekah how it's been 2 yrs since she passed, thinking about my dad that passed 4 yrs ago; vividly remembering the last time I saw him alive, just 2 weeks earlier. Sort of kicking myself for not going to see him the weekend he passed, since it was Father's Day weekend. (He passed the day before Father's Day) Thinking too of the last time I saw my grandmother (passed 7 weeks before dad) and my Nana who passed while I was living in CA 7 yrs ago. Just can't believe how fast time has flown by. I am so thankful and cry thinking about my beautiful baby boy that I get to hold and hug everyday and the twins that are growing inside me and praying we reach 37 weeks.

Hope everyone is having a good week and is doing something fun this weekend. I am heading to my mom's for my yard sale and to take pictures of the house, since it's now on the market and not sure I will get up there again, since I will be on limited activity come July until the twins come in October.

[LDS Angel 19]

rainbow babies all around! YAY! :)

things here are good, will be 32wks on friday and there is some talk of letting me go home soon. i honestly just can't believe i'm still pregnant at this point...
I'm starting to get a little worried though, Allison's birthday is coming up and its starting to look like i'll be delivering around then. I guess I feel like I don't want to infringe on 'her' day. I know I'll be over the moon whenever these girls get here, i just hope it's not on the 17th. and somehow i feel bad for saying that.....sigh. so many emotions. As we get closer it seems like i think about her even more. and even though we are nearly 32 weeks and all my docs are ssaying these girls will turn out fine, i have this intense fear of the actual delivery and how it will go. I guess thats probably normal though.
i have more i could write, but even after 8 weeks i still suck at typing while laying on my side... take care ladies.

[ali_ohli]

yeah, jeggink!!!! I am so, so happy for you.

lds I can't even imagine the elation of making it to 32 weeks. That's such an enormous milestone for your girls' health, and I'm just so dang happy for you! Congratulations. I hope you get to go home soon so you can get ready for their arrival. I completely understand the mixed emotions about the dates.

sophia gorgeous family. And gorgeous words -- I am so glad you've found peace.

ericka good to hear you're also doing great. I'm impressed you still have until July before you're off your feet -- lucky you! I'm already on modified bedrest here at 17 weeks. It's better for my piece of mind, though.

Sorry if I missed anyone...I'm having the same problem as LDS with the side typing!

[allyray231]

hijack

sophia amazing post and the girls look great!! ((HUGS))

hijack over

[myangelsvw]

jeggink - Congratulations! And, yes, it is normal to be paranoid. Honestly, I'm still a little paranoid even though my rainbow babies are almost four months old. But I'm always encouraged by the folks a little further along the path who say that peace comes in time.

Michelle - 32 weeks. Wow. That is so amazingly great given everything you've been through with those girls of yours. :D

sophia - Alexander's tree is gorgeous! As are you and all of your babies! :D :D You know, I can't believe your kids are only about two months older than mine. I remember how long it felt like between our BFPs. Guess that's what having premies will do. :p

ali - I never did get the hand of typing on my side, either. Plus my laptop was always at this awkward angle. Had I to do it over again, I'd probably invest in a hospital style table just for making it easier to get at things.

Kimmie - Great weight for Josh! I'm hoping Alice will finally have hit the 10 pound mark by our next appointment in a week. She still feels so tiny to me, but that could be because I'm also dealing with her brother, who is at least 3 pounds bigger. :eek:

Ericka - Ooh, I love yard sales! Hope you have fun!

amy - So your DH didn't give you the shots during your first IVF cycle? You didn't do them on yourself did you? I did two myself and that was more than enough!

[amygrrl]

myangelsvw - during my first pregnancy, there was no preterm labor so no shots. i just did the progesterone suppositories during the first 3 months. during my second pregnancy, i did the suppositories again, but the pre-term labor didn't start until 30-31 wks so i didn't do the shots. although i did have to eventually do insulin shots for gestational diabetes, but those where in my stomach so i did them. b/c of the preterm labor last time, they had me on the suppositories and now have moved me over to the shots. even w/ ivf treatments, i never had to do IM shots just shots in the stomach so i always did everything myself. dh got off easy! and i never let him forget it!;) as he likes to say, ' 3 pregnancies in 3 years means a push present to the 3rd power for this one!'

[jeggink]

Thanks for the congrats ladies, I am definately nervous!

Kimmiebride Wow, he is growing well. Gotta watch out for those preemies, they love to stack on the pounds quickly, which is so wonderful to see, my son did that as well :).

sophiapb the lilac tree is sooo beautiful! The picture is wonderful, you can almost see Alexander standing there enjoying the celebration! I am glad you have found some peace!

LDS Angel 19 Ohhh, hoping you get out soon! I agree, my due date is near Kaylas birth date and I feel a little iffy on that, I don't want to share her day.

ali_ohli thanks!

myangelsvw Thanks. yeah, I am freaked out a bit, but it comes and goes. I really want to enjoy this pg as it is most likely my last.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Made $175 at my yard sale, was pretty happy about that. :)

Easton goes for his 9 month today. This weekend he learned how to sit up by himself from laying down. He learned to go forward in his walker that is at my mom's. Learned to open ad then let the cabinet door bang shut. He is such a cutie. His 2 bottom teeth are in now, his tops are trying to come through.

Went to my mom's church yesterday and this little girl was with her mom, I recognized the mom as one my mom introduced me to on a visit soon after I had Rebekah. I realized the little girl was her daughter born about the same time as Rebekah, so I got an idea of what she would have been like at that age. This little girl kept saying hi baby to Easton.

[Kimmiebride]

Hi everyone,
Glad to hear everybody is doing great!! Sophia, your family is so beautiful! I cried when you talked about Alexander saying goodbye... what a sweet memory, and a beautiful tree to keep him close! Lilacs are my favorite flower!

Josh continues to amaze me. He's "talking" to me now... babbles on and on, and I am so tickled everytime he does it! I have been kind of weepy the past few days, and I finally know why... got my first AF in almost a year. It made me sad, since it feels like the "pregnancy" part is now completely over. My milk supply really had gone down the past week or so, and now I hope after AF is over it comes back - I was thinking it was going down for no reason. I am still pumping and nursing, even though it's down to hardly anything. Not ready to give up that time with my little guy, that's for sure!

I am so glad to have you ladies. I can't really explain it, but it's the one place where I can talk about Robert and Josh and know that you guys get it. Thanks for sticking together!!
hugs,
Kimmie

[Giveret]

Hello All

I've been doing fairly well dealing with the fact that my next door neighbor had a baby this week (about 4 weeks before mine was originally due). I've been putting a brave face on it and focusing on keeping a great friendship and enjoying the baby for who he is, not just for missing my little boy. In fact, I felt I was doing really well dealing with all this. Then I found out another couple on my block, same side of the street is going to have their baby any time now, too. First of all, what was up last Sept-Oct to have three babies expected now. Something in the water, the air, etc? Secondly, it's so unfair. There were supposed to be three newborns on our block and now there will only be two. I feel really cheated. Neither of the other couples had any trouble conceiving and I struggled for so long. Then to have a miracle growing inside me just to lose it. It's just too much.

[goldengbridge]

Hello Ladies-

giveret- I know how you feel. My neighbor had a baby about 6 weeks after Jacob was due- a boy that she named Jacob. I almost died. It is still hard to seeing him outside because I always think that thats what my Jacob should be doing since they would have been the same age.

Ashlyn is doing well. She was 14lbs 1 oz last week. She's nursing great. She is the happiest baby. Always smiling, cooing, and laughing. I always tell her that her big brother in heaven is trying to make her smile because in the morning when I go in to get her she always has the biggest smile on her face. I feel so fortunate for her every single day.

Kinda a bittersweet moment the other day. DH and I took both kids to the cemetary to visit Jacob's grave. I go every week because it makes me feel better to be near him and DH usually joins me every other week. We're getting ready to drive away and my older son who is almost three starts waving and yelling "Goodbye Jacob, see you soon." I just lost it. How sweet it was for Andrew to tell his baby brother goodbye but how sad that I have to take my children to visit their brother in a cemetary. It just really broke me heart.

I think of you all often even though I don't always get in to post.

[LDS Angel 19]

Hi ladies. I've been home about a week now, and I'm doing just fine, physically. We will be 34 weeks on Friday and officially off bedrest. Now it's just up to these girls when they decide to make their apperance. I'm so amazed we've made it this far, but now getting really really anxious about the actual birth.
I'm so afraid of finally knowing everything that we missed out on with Allison. I'm sort of almost afraid I'll be too sad to be happy. It's hard enough now, setting up the cribs and putting the carseats in the car. And DH has already twice refered to one of the babies by her name.
And I'm SO afraid of her just getting forgotten. It's hard enough with the closeness of the dates. Now when people ask me if I have kids, will I still include her? It would be easier not to, but I'd be denying her existence, which breaks my heart. I just wonder how I will feel to hear these girls cry, I know I'll be happy, but sad too. I guess that's what something else I'm afraid of, every single moment with them being bittersweet, and never being able to be truely happy.

sigh. sorry, don't know where I'm going with all this. I just had to get it out I guess.


Giveret It's so so so hard to watch others around us have what we have lost. Don't force yourself to put on a brave face if it's too hard.

Sorry for the lack of more SO's. Another thing I have not yet mastered is typing well through tears.

[sophiapb]

Michelle, when your girls arrive, the joy will be overwhelming and Allison will be right there with you, revelling in the happiness. And you will feel her there with you as the babies get older. Not all the time but on occasion when one of your babies smiles in her sleep or sighs contently while snuggling close to you or laughs out loud at nothing you can see, you'll sense that Allison is there with her family and being happy.

Allison will never be forgotten. Ever. Even when you answer a stranger's question with "Yes, I have two daughters" silently you'll be thinking "Two daughters HERE and one up in heaven" but that's your own little secret that you'll always hold close to your heart with a smile. Other mothers might say "Wow, your first delivery and you hit the jackpot with twins" and you will respond "Yes, we're very lucky" while thinking "Yes, we're very lucky to have had Allison in our lives and to have these babies here with us now".
Finally, you'll be amazed as a feeling of contentment settles over you at some point in the future and you think "Ah, this is what Allison was preparing me for" and you will be with your girls and think about how wonderful your life is. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

Sophia, thank you! That's really what I needed to hear. That's what I love about this thread, we're all in diffrent places but can still help each other so much along the way.

[myangelsvw]

Michelle - FWIW, DH kept accidentally calling DS William for a few days. I was honestly a little glad that he did because it made me realize that he was thinking of the boys, too. Of course, it didn't take long for that to pass as we came to know the kids as the wonderful little individuals that they are. I know the same will be true with your girls -- even if one of you does call them by Allison's name in the first few days.
And keep baking those girls so that you get to hear that delivery room cry -- I still haven't heard any of my babies cry at birth.

Kimmie and Jen - Glad to hear your kiddos are doing so very well!

giveret - Hopefully your friend will get that it may be tough for you to deal with babies right now. (And that is absolutely OK. Don't be hard on yourself for that.) One of my very good friends had twins about 10 days after I gave birth to the boys, and she was so patient with me. I will always be grateful to her for that. And even though it took me awhile, I love to see/hear about her kids now.

sophia - Aw, you always say the best things. I wanna be like you. :p

[Kimmiebride]

sophia - Aw, you always say the best things. I wanna be like you.
ditto that.... you described exactly how I feel when I now answer the dreaded "Is this your first?" with a yes, because people just don't understand that the grief doesn't end. I am so happy Josh is here and healthy (and increasingly adorable by the minute) and I am sad for missing these times with Robert, though if he were here, Josh would not be. A mother's heart is a complicated, strange and wonderful place.
You hang in there Michelle! I can't wait to hear about their birth, and see pictures if you post them!
hugs,
Kimmie

[LyLMyssChaos]

and they are on the way to the hospital!!!!


Let's send them lots of easy labor, welcome baby vibes!!!

[ali_ohli]

OMG...that is *just* the news I needed to hear today. Michelle's rainbow babies are on their way...I have tears in my eyes for her! How incredibly exciting. I'll be praying they make an easy entrance -- their mom has been through enough already, I think!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Yeah!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait to hear the news of the girls arrival.

[Lisa]

Congrats Michelle!!!

[Kimmiebride]

thinking of you Michelle!!!! I can't wait to hear about it!
love,
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

If anyone's on Michlle's LJ......go take a listen..... :)

[Lisa]

From another Thread

LDS Angel 19 had the babies!!!

Info from her live journal

C-section started at 7:30pm.

Baby A--Megan Celeste was born at 8:04pm. She is 3lbs 14oz and 17 inches long. Is doing really well. Was breathing on her own right away.

Baby B--Natalie Grace was born at 8:05pm. She is 4lbs 4oz and 17 inches long. Is having a little trouble breathing. She's on a ventilator now, but they said she's doing really well with that.
__________________

[LyLMyssChaos]

Michelle--
I am so happy for you guys and the girls are BEAUTIFUL!!! I can't wait to give them all kinds of squishies!!

[ali_ohli]

Congratulations, Michelle. I'm grinning from ear to ear for you and your hubby. Hope you're able to savor every moment.

[jennylou]

Super big congrats Michelle! Enjoy those snuggly babies. :)

[jeggink]

Congrats Michelle!!! Woohoo!

[myangelsvw]

Congratulations, Michelle! Such great news. :)

[Kimmiebride]

Rainbows all around!!
love Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Michelle!!!!!!

Welcome Megan and Natalie!!!!!!!

[goldengbridge]

Congrats Michelle! And welcome new rainbow babies!

[amygrrl]

CONGRATS!!!!

i get so happy when i see new babies on this thread!

[SailorJenny]

Congratulations Michelle!

This Sunday was Gregory's birthday. We went to the cemetery and ended up heading to bed early. The day was a bit draining emotionally.

Been having some weird symptoms that I attributed initially to allergies and Gregory's anniversary coming up, like being exhausted, being emotional. The other night, I started having hot flashes, which I've only ever had when I was pregnant. I took the test last night - I'm expecting a leap day baby! (2/29/08)

Now I'm scared stupid. I have to fly to San Fran for this new job for two weeks at the beginning of July (after that, I'm working from home. yay, less stress). I am meeting with my OB on Thursday morning. I am so scared of another loss, but I know so many of you have felt that fear too and have kept going. It's keeping my inspired!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats SailorJenny!!!

[Lisa]

Congrats jenny!! Feb is a great month!

Update on me I have 5 weeks left. The closer I get, I get a bit scared. I just want a healthy little boy. I've just been taking one day at a time and praying when I worry. I'm excited to meet this little man the Lord has blessed us with.

You all seem to be doing so great and all these rainbox babies are such an encouragement. Have a great week:D

[jennylou]

Congrats sailorjenny.

I have to say that I have this thread email me with replies and I saw congrats to Jenny and thought - ack! do they know something that I don't. ;) lol.

[sophiapb]

Congratulations Michelle and welcome to the world Megan and Natalie!

Congrats on your hot flashes SailorJenny. An annoying side effect but what a terrific reason for them! Ah, a leap year baby with the ability to only age every four years. As someone who just turned 40 (ACK!!!!!!!!!) I am quite envious of your little baby. If my birthday was Feb 29, I'd only be 10 now! :p H&H nine months to you. :D

[jeggink]

Congrats SailorJenny!!!

[jeggink]

Well, had my Peri appointment...

Healthy Baby measuring 15w3d
HB - 148
Still have placenta previa
Cervix looks good.

and.....she was pretty sure we are having a BOY, but didn't want to say officially. I saw those little bits myself so I am pretty sure, but we will have confirmation in a few weeks. Bunkbeds, here we come

[goldengbridge]

CONGRATS JUDI!!!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Jeggink!!!

I am officially half way through this pregnancy (since i am delivering between 36-37 weeks) Time sure if flying. In one week we hopefully will know the gender of our little ones. They are sitting at my belly button area now, so hope they move enough that we can see the goods. Easton was at my belly button every time they tried to see the goods, so we never got a good shot.

[LDS Angel 19]

I'm home now. I can't believe how hard it was to leave without my girls. It felt so much like going home after having Allison. Something in my brain could not recoginze that these two are actually going to be ok. I have my birth story and a few pics up in the July 07 thread if anyone is interested.

BTW, Allison's 2nd angel day was Sunday, the day before the girls were born. I know they three of them were working together on that for me.

[Kimmiebride]

How's everybody doing? We just got back from Grandma's house in Florida! hot, humid, but so fun! Josh is doing great, and was an angel on the plane. He slept the whole way through two planes, and when he was awake, he was smiling and laughing. I am so lucky!
Kimmie

[Lisa]

Kim- glad you had a good time in FL.

Lo's 1st angel day was Monday. It actually was a good day for all of us. I think I was dreading the day more than anything. We all just had such a peace. I miss her so much though. I have 2 weeks left b4 baby boy arrives, hopefully sooner but I'll hold my breath;) Hope all is well with you all

[Giveret]

Lisa, I'm glad Lo's angel day went better than you expected.

I'm in the midst of my due date times. The dr's kept changing it from July 5 to July 10 and back again. And I really liked the idea of Kieran being born today, on July 7. I have some things to look forward to this summer, but this due date really is bringing up all the emotions. I've been attending extra religious services this past couple weeks. They are soothing, but I end up sobbing quietly through them. I know the pain will never go completely away, but I hope to get to the point where I'm not sobbing through services.

Its been 4 months so many people think I shouldn't be talking about him still. I don't care what they think - I'm still going to talk about my baby. I miss him so very much. It's going to take so long to finally be able to move forward without all this hurting so deeply. I'm doing what I can now. I know it's better to deal with and feel the emotions now. If I don't, they'll just pop up later in life and take their toll. Somedays it's just really hard.

Giv

[ali_ohli]

Michelle Congrats again, lady! I hope you are enjoying the sleepless nights and all the demands of being new mommy. :D I love what you've written in your signature.

Kimmie How 'bout some pics of that cutie?? :)

Lisa I think it's so beautiful that you and your family were able find peace on such a tough anniversary. You strength is inspiring. Wishing you lots of easy labor vibes!! Can't wait for another rainbow baby in here. :)

Giveret Getting past your due date is not easy. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things in terms of grieving. You're absolutely right to just get it out. There will come a day when it doesn't hurt so deeply...I know it seems impossible now... :( Hang in there, sweetie.

*****

me Today is a big day -- I've just passed the gestation (22w, 1d) at which we lost our daughter. It's nice to put the baggage of that doomed pregnancy behind us and move into uncharted territory. I grow more and more confident with every day that passes uneventfully.

[jenahdawn]

ali~~~how was it? Our's is coming up....Friday. (18~6) I'm a bunch of nerves. We have an appt the day before, and I just need to hear the heartbeat. (I know that wasn't the problem last time, but I just need to have that sense that things may be okay)

[ali_ohli]

jenah, actually, for me, the harder time period was around 20w, the point at which the meltdown began in my first pregnancy (was hospitalized, had to have a rescue cerclage, days of terrible contractions, etc.). So to be doing fine two weeks past that point feels pretty good. :)

You're going to be 100% fine. :) Hang in there.

[Lisa]

Thanks ladies! I have 11 days til this baby hopefully comes out, I'm ready.
Yeah Ali on passing the mark, how exciting and encouraging!
Giveret- you're doing great! keep going! You talk about him as much as you need to. He's your baby and he will always be a part of you. Lo will always be a part of me and I'll never stop talking about her. She changed me and is my girl ALWAYS! I think talking as really helped me so keep talking.

[Lisa]

just an update our rainbow baby came early. Aiden Joshua was born 7.12.07 8.12lbs and 20.5in. We are all in love and thanking God for a healthy little man!

[clzj]

Congrats.

[Kimmiebride]

Hooray for Lisa and baby Aiden!!!(love his middle name too!!)
Kim

[LDS Angel 19]

Hi ladies- I just wanted to share something from my LJ-

Last night, Aaron and I had a really long emotional talk about a number of issues we are dealing with right now. I just wanted to post about one thing that came up.

Somehow, Allison was brought up, and when I stopped to think, I realized something. I'm certainly not "over" losing her. I hesitate to even say that I'm "moving on". But I have done more healing over the last four weeks than I did in the first two years since losing her. I was so so so worried that when Megan and Natalie got here, Allison would just be forgotten. But she's not. She's here, watching over our family, even more so now than before.I KNOW it was her spirit with us that kept me so calm during the c-section, and the following days. I know it's her spirit that whispers to me to remember to love and cuddle these girls as much as I can even when they are screaming at 3am. And it is her spirit that tells me that it's ok for me to feel the way I feel. She knows I still love her, and I'll always wish that she was here. But it's ok that I love her sisters too, because she does. She loves them. She helped protect them when I couldn't.

She'll always be there, in the back of my mind, in my heart. I'll always ache to hold her and look in her eyes. And I know I will, someday. In the meantime, I have her sisters to care for. And I'm healing.

[Ericka_Jarett]

That's great Michelle. BTW - love your signature

I feel after I had Easton that Rebekah seemed even more a part of our lives then before. I look at Easton and what he learns everyday and think of how Rebekah is just looking down and smiling at him and probably giggling at all his funny ways. Today we received 2nd confirmation that the twins are girls and honestly Rebekah is the first thing to pop in my head. I thought to myself, we don't have Rebekah, but she probably told the Lord to give us 2 girls.

My peri's have been great through both pregnancies, it sucks that I ever lost Rebekah at all. She will always have a special place in my heart and mind. She is always a part of our family and mentioned often. I longed to hold a baby girl of my own in my arms and God is blessing me with 3 baby girls and a handsome son that I get to hold. Now one that watches from above and 2 that are still growing and a son that is just such a joy and blessing to watch grow and learn each day.

My Appt update from today:

Babies are measuring right on target, A is 1-2 days ahead and B 1-2 days behind, but the doctor is not worried at all. He said they are doing great and growing perfectly. Baby A is 15oz and Baby B is 13oz. We had cooperation to a degree today, the tech asked if we knew the sex of the babies, I told him one we know is a girl and the other was unclear as of 2 weeks ago. He said well, looks like they are both girls. So that is a 2nd person to say 2 girls, so we are sticking with it.

He checked my cervix and he said it is really long and holding really well, I am still over 5 cm, something like 5.2 where 2 weeks ago was 5.4. He is really pleased and so are DH and I.

I have my next appts, I get to cancel this Friday's 20th since he saw me today and said he was at the other hospital anyway. He said schedule another u/s for after my trip August 1 - u/s and then an office appt 2 weeks later where we will start growth scans and the cervix check.

I'll probably post my daughters' u/s pics tomorrow. We got some pretty good profile pics today.

[ali_ohli]

Ericka -- congrats on your girls...and the cervix length! That is a damn long cervix! Mine's been at 3 cm the entire pregnancy, but thankfully, it's been enough to get us this far. No changes whatsoever and I'm just around the corner from viability.

[LDS Angel 19]

Ericka- YAY! Girls are awesome. :D And I have to agree with Ali- that's one long cervix you have there. Yay for that too. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

thanks girls.

It's funny told the doctor we never saw 5cm during my whole pregnancy with Easton, so we are thrilled. Really nice too that I don't need to be on bedrest due to my cervix, after the trip will be taking it easy like I do now, but at least I am not restricted, with Easton at this stage of the pregnancy 21w 4d I was on bedrest already. The doctor seemed really happy today with how far I have come and without any issues at all. So glad we went with the internal stitch instead of the external stitch on the cervix. Think that is what is making a difference, besides of course the fact that I have lots of prayer support from people.

[amygrrl]

hey girls. it's so fabulous to continue to see new babies!

i've been mia a bit around here b/c honestly, i'm just exhausted these days. malin is running me ragged and dh is working 12+ hour days and now that i'm almost 25 wks along with this pregnancy, i'm at the dr 2 times a week. i'm so happy to be at the point of viability, but i'm also very aware that the next 5-6 weeks is the time frame when everything seems to go wrong for me so i'm kind of holding my breath (avery passed at almost 28 wks and i went into preterm labor with malin at almost 31 wks). so we're just holding our breath. but this pregnancy is certainly going much faster than either of the other 2.

[Kimmiebride]

Glad to hear all the great news!! I was just thinking of you Amy, and was going to call to see how you are doing!!

Michelle, that was so eloquent the way you put it about Allison watching over you. That's exactly how I feel about Robert. He's not forgotten, he's here every day watching over his brother and his parents. He was with me during the long month in the hospital, telling me it would be different this time, and I see echoes of him in Josh, and thank God for both of them. I know I would have always appreciated Josh, but I am sure I appreciate him more because of having and losing Robert. He's doing great... I'll post a pic one of these days so you can see how he's grown! He was almost 13 lbs at his 4 month check up, and he's babbling away so cutely!! True love for sure!
Take care ladies, and you are all in my prayers!
love,
Kimmie

[clzj]

My DH and I are taking steps to bring the angel baby home. Anything that had to do with the loss has been at my moms. Over the weekend I brought home the tote that has everything about the loss in it. I have not had time to open the tote and get the urn out. We have a china cabinet and we are to put the urn in there. My DH does want to find out whatwe lost. He is not ready for that yet. We are taking it one step at a time.

I know that if the one we lost had lived, we would not have Anastasia.

Congrats to all of you that are expecting rainbow babies and have made it past the date of your loss. I know how hard it was for me. I had to wait until 36.5 weeks before I was at ease with the pg. I know on the day that I had the appointment on the same mark as the loss I just wanted to make sure the NST went well. I also know the day that I had Anastasia, I did notgetexcited until I heard her cry. After that I knew that we had made it.

[suzfuzsunflower]

I hope that none of you mind me coming in and asking a question... I received the horrible news that one of my friends lost her baby at almost 36 weeks of pregnancy. They are burying the baby tomorrow, but I believe that the service is for family only.

We went through some infertility struggles together, and we shared much of our pregnancy together. I cannot begin to even pretend to understand the pain that she and her family must be going through. I am so sad for her. I actually called her and left her a message on the answering machine yesterday just saying that I was thinking of her and hoping that everything was going well....I didn't know. I hope that did not bring her more pain. :( I have some questions for all of you:

1. She, her husband, and her two kids are going out of town to be with family for a while. After they get back a group of friends are going to start rotating taking meals for a while (we checked with them and they said they would like the food). I would like to be in the rotation. Do you think she would mind if I take her food? I had a son 2 months ago. Of course I would not take him with me, but would seeing me cause her more pain?

2. She has two older children (under 10). I know that they are hurting too. Is there anything that I can do for them?'

3. Do you have any other ideas of how I can help this family. I plan on sending a card today....

[Kimmiebride]

Suz, I am so sorry about the news... you must also be devastated, and it shows the kind of person you are that you are totally concerned with the family and how you can help. The meal thing is the best idea... I think you should definitely be in the rotation, especially since you guys were so close through your pregnancies. I agree that not bringing your son is a good idea, and only talk about him if she asks. Be strong and prepared that some days she might not want to talk, and some days she might need to talk. Sending a card is great... most of the ladies here agree that flowers are not a good idea. I don't have any suggestions for the kids, but I think there is a book called "We were going to have a baby but had an angel instead" that is geared for children who are suffering this kind of loss. You might want to get them a copy. The reviews on Amazon are quite poignant. My heart goes out to your friend and her family. I don't know if she's the on-line support group type, but you can always tell her about us if she wants to come and talk...
Take care,
Kimmie

[Kimmiebride]

Is it normal to have some overwhelming fears that I am going to walk over to Josh and find him not breathing? I just worry so much that something will happen to this little guy, and it's kind of freaking me out.

He's doing great - just started him on cereal yesterday and it's so cute to watch him try to "eat" when most of it just goes down his bib! I can't imagine living without him, he's just so danged cute! will post some pics in a bit - I am back to work, and have been living in wedding photos for the past month, and haven't processed too many of the little guy...
hugs,
Kimmie

[clzj]

Suz- the best thing is to be there for your friend. I lost mine at 36w. I had a friend that was due 2 weeks before my baby was tobe had, 1 week afterthe loss. As you can tell it was very hard. They watched my 2year so we could be alone and I went into their housebut did not go by the baby. I then started to go to their house so my DS had a playmate. I did not touch or hold thebaby for 6 month. I was okay to hold an infant that was 6 monthes older than the one I lost. Ones that were the same as the one I lost was to hard for me. They did not push the baby on me. When I was ready I picked him up. I would probably not take the infant with but if she comes over don't hide him either. I also have a DSS that had issues with the loss. When we found out we were pg this last time he was afraid the child would not live. It was very hard for him. The children should go and talk to someone at school about what has happened. Do you know why the baby died?

[suzfuzsunflower]

I appreciate your ideas on how I can help my friend and her family. clzj, I found out what happened to her little girl. My friend went to a routine doctor's appointment on Friday and they couldn't find a heartbeat. She was induced and delivered her little girl. The baby died of a cord accident. The cord was twisted around her head, stomach, and both feet. So heartbreaking... :( I am still in shock, and I know that the family is really hurting.

[ali_ohli]

suzfuzsunflower -- what a devastating loss for your friend and her family. My advice is to be there for her, while respecting that she may need space for a while. I couldn't see or speak to anyone for at least a week after my loss. But I so appreciated the meals people dropped off, and that everyone understood I wasn't up for visits.

me Just wanted to post a quick update. I'm doing great! :) Almost 25w now and so far the cerclage has held perfectly. I'm also on the 17P (progesterone) therapy for preterm labor and I believe it's really helping. I can't even put words to how much better I feel now that we've turned the viability corner. Of course I don't want him to be born anytime soon, but it's just great to be past that big milestone -- it means all-new possibilities. :)

[LDS Angel 19]

How's everyone doing?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi LDS and everyone,

We are doing great. Twins are growing right on target and weigh 1lb 5oz as of Wednesday. My cervix is behaving and measuring 4.9cm from 5.2cm a few weeks earlier. Another 4 weeks an my cervical checks will be done for the most part, most likely will have 1 or 2 more after the next u/s which is in 4 weeks when I am 28 weeks.

Easton is getting so big, Sunday he is 11 months already, time sure did fly. We are working on getting his party together, most of the guests know the date already just to get the invites out.

[jennylou]

We're doing well here too. :) DD will be a year next Friday, so we're having a shindig on Saturday for her. I'm so excited! My mom is also coming in from Montana, so it'll be fun to have her around too. :)

We've been SWH since November when I got AF back. This month we decided to use OPKs to see if I was ovulating. I am, I am! So, we went for it. If we don't suceed this month, we'll wait until September, to avoid a May baby (when Andrew was born/died). When we were trying with N, we didn't avoid, but we were so anxious to get pregnant again, this time, it's much more relaxed. Heck, I'm not even charting (of course, that could be due to my 3 am wakeups, and often feeds during the night).

[clzj]

We are doing well. Anastasia is growing a lot. I love her to death.

[Kimmiebride]

We are doing great too!! I just finished a shoot for the new website images for LeapFrog educational toys. Very hard work, but a great experience over all. We almost got to have Miss Malin (amygrrl's cutie patootie) model. Josh is growing like crazy, and wont go to bed tonight for some reason. I have been working 12 hour days this week getting the leapfrog stuff done, and luckily my mom was able to fly out to take care of him. I missed him like crazy, but knew he was having fun with his grandma. Thank God for her! I am going to photograph Josh on my LeapFrog set tomorrow before they come and tear it down. I will be sad to see it go - it's so pretty, just plain white walls and a gorgeous white wood floor with a white couch and white very fuzzy rug. I'll post when the new site goes live, and you can all go and check it out.
wonderful wishes to the rainbow babies who are celebrating their birthdays!! Wow, it's so hard to believe how they are growing up so fast.
hugs,
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Other than a round of Summer colds, all is well on our end, too. We had Elise and Corinne Christened last month. Corinne is on the left, sucking her thumb and Elise is on the right:

http://i111.photobucket.com/albums/n138/sophiapb/100_2462-crop.jpg?t=1186803037

They are eight months now and doing great. Both are army crawling and getting into everything. Elise now has three teeth and I expect the other upper to pop through anytime now since she has been really fussy. Corinne has two lower teeth with no sign of anymore but she teeths like Alexa did, no whining or fussing, just one day there's another tooth!
Alexa is such a wonderful big sister. She's very helpful and loves to hug and comfort Elise and Corinne. They ADORE her. Both get so excited when they see her coming down the stairs in the morning and get giddy when she plays with them.
We're enjoying the end of Summer and getting in plenty of pool time. Life is hectic but fun! Glad to hear that this is the general report around here for most of us. :)

[goldengbridge]

Sophia- Beautiful pics! They are so big!

Hello to everyone else. We're doing well here. Ashlyn will be 6 months on Thursday and I just can't believe it! She got her two bottom teeth almost 2 weeks ago and shes trying so hard to crawl but can't figure out how to get up on her hands and knees. She kinda scoots around its so cute.

Andrew starts preschool in two weeks and is so excited! He'll be 3 next week:eek:

I officially ordered Jacob's headstone last week. I've been putting it off and putting if off almost as if the long I don't order it, it won't seem final. But I finally took the plunge since I want it placed before winter comes. We decided on the caption "In our arms for a moment, in our hearts forever." I was thinking the other day that he would have been turning one at the end of August. So weird to think. August 30th will always hold a special place in my heart.

Question- Do any of you have a old children? How do you explain the sibling that they lost? Andrew goes to the cemetary and he knows Jacob is there. He asked me about him and I told him Jacob went to be with God. He asked me if Jacob was in the sky on a cloud with God and I told him yes but I'm always worried about what to tell him. Any advice would be appreciated! TIA!

[Kimmiebride]

Here is a picture of Josh from the studio on Saturday!

Sophia, the girls are adorable!!! GGbridge, good for you for ordering the headstone. That must be rough. I am often sad that I did not make a resting place for Robert. I think up on a cloud with God is a great explanation. I like that visual...
hugs to all,
Kimmie

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/IMG_0826.jpg

[jenahdawn]

5 weeks from now it will be one year.

I'm over 24 weeks with Katie & Chloe's little sister. But I can't help thinking, "I could have 1 year old twin girls" I mean, I DO have nearly 1 year old twin girls. Well, you guys get it.

My cousin's wedding was last weekend and Miss Lillian was quite popular. everyone wanted pictures with "her". But we also talked about Katie & Chloe freely and it felt so wonderful.

ETA: Kim, OMG, he's ADORABLE!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - Josh is so cute. Getting so big, they grow so fast.

Easton will be a year old in 2 weeks, can't believe it. We have his party next Saturday. I have an appt for an u/s next week, I will be 28 weeks.

[Kimmiebride]

I also was just thinking that Robert would probably be walking by now or getting close... so hard to believe and hard to think about what we missed. Of course we'd never have Josh either, and I could never imagine life without him. He's such a sweet boy. Pretty mellow most of the time, hardly fusses... I am so lucky. Oh, yeah, and so cute, eh?

I am excited for you ladies that are pregnant. I miss being pregnant, and hope if it's meant to be that it will happen again someday. I am not pushing for it, and will not be too disappointed with the status quo. I do feel like at my age I will miss out on something amazing with Josh if I try to have another baby, and I don't want to sacrifice that!
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

hey everyone!

i keep meaning to come here an update and was totally going to do it and then yesterday... I FELL AND BROKE MY LEG! that's right. i'm 32 wks pregnant with a broken leg and a 17 month old. we are totally unsure of how we are going to get through the next few weeks. i go to the orthopedist on tues or wed and then we'll see if i have to have a cast or can do a boot. we also learned that it will take longer than the standard 6-8 wks to heal b/c when pregnant, the baby sucks all your calcium up so you have little to no extra calcium for a broken bone. in all likelihood, i'll be in a cast or boot for more like 12-16 weeks. FABULOUS! i also still have polyhydrosis (or whatever that word is for too much amniotic fluid)... on a happy note, my cervix seems to be holding even with all the contractions.

man, i just suck at being pregnant. i can't think much past the next few days b/c if i do i get really depressed and want to curl up in a ball and not move (not that i can move much with the broken leg).... i keep laughing about it... probably because this situation is so completely insane. in a few short weeks i'll be in a cast/ boot with a newborn and an 18 month old. how the hell will i survive that?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Amy - sorry to hear about the leg, that just sucks.

Us - My baby had his 1st b-day party yesterday. Can't believe on Wednesday he turns 1, time flew. Twins are doing great, growing right on target, another 8-9 weeks and they will be here. Crazy to think of that.

[Kimmiebride]

Oh Amy!!! wowzers the broken leg just sucks!!! I am crazy busy right now, but if you need anything, just call me, okay? Maybe Josh and I can stop by and bring you ice cream or something. I'll call you if I am in your area to see if you're up for it!

Ericka, wow! the little man is a year already... where does the time go - Josh is 6 months tomorrow. ack! Good luck with the twinners!
hugs,
Kimmie

[SailorJenny]

Oh, Amy, that really sucks about the broken leg. I hope that you feel better soon. And think, if you get a cast, that's one heck of a toddler art project you'll have forever!

I check in often, but nothing much new to report here. I'm 14 weeks and hanging in there. I'm feeling a lot more confident about this pregnancy in general, and part of me really believes I'm going to bring home a baby this time.

[amygrrl]

hey guys! thanks for all your kind words. on a happy note, it'll be weeks before i have to get up with dd in the morning or the middle of the night since i'm supposed to keep weight off the leg. :D

however, manuvering on crutches with a 32 wk preggers belly is more than challenging. :eek:

one thing the broken leg may or may not muck up, is my attempt at a vbac. i'm not sure if i can push with broken leg since i remember during avery's birth they had me push against my feet, if that makes sense. i'll need to ask the dr's about it. of course, if i get an epi, i wouldn't feel any pain anyway, but that makes we worry about further damaging my ankle/ leg and not knowing b/c i don't feel the pain.

also, when i fell we went to the local community hospital, where we delivered avery (we delivered malin at stanford b/c of the high risk) and the er sent me up to l&d for monitoring to check on the baby. it was super hard for us to be up there again as we hadn't since avery's stillbirth. and the nurses were just as dumb as ever and totally reminded me why we limit going their to true emergencies. both dh and i did our fair share of crying b/c we had to be there.

[LDS Angel 19]

We had Megan and Natalie blessed in church on Sunday. It went fine, but was a tough day for me. Just the first of many things we missed out on with Allison.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1178/1321197981_8ee2c1a194.jpg?v=0


Amy Holy crap! Sorry about your leg, that has to be a huge PITA. And I can imagine how hard it is to go back to where you had your loss. Luckily we've moved since then so I'll never have to do that. Hope you heal fast!

Hi everyone else! Hope all of our preggos are hanging in there. I still think of you all often.

[jenahdawn]

M, they look so little when you are holding them! (Need to go look at LJ pics now....)

Amy, UGH!

[jennylou]

Michelle - Love the picture of you with them. :)

Amy - ugh, sorry about the broken leg.

sailorjenny - 14 weeks, congrats on the second tri. I hope your pregnancy is going smoothly for you.

kimmie - I'm another who misses being pregnant - now! But, I didn't miss it at first - maybe it means I'm really ready for another? I mean, we're technically trying, but I do wonder if I'm really ready or if I'm crazy. Andrew would be about 25 months now, and I have a niece that is just a month younger than he is. They live in CA, so I don't see her much, but since I was out there last month for my Grandma's funeral, I really got to see her a lot. There were definite moments of that's what he should be doing too. I guess it does get easier, in the fact that I didn't break down sobbing the whole time, but the thoughts don't ever go away about what they'd be doing, huh? Great picture of Josh.

sophia - great shot of your family. :)

goldengbridge - don't feel bad about just getting around to the headstone, we still haven't. And then we kick ourselves each time we go and we still don't have one. :( Soon, I keep telling myself. It sort of seems like the last thing, you know?

Everything is going well here. Nora turned a year in August. Such a big girl. I love her to pieces. She's been walking for a few months now (since she was 10 months old) and she's (usually) so much fun. We are ttc again now, so that should make my life a bit more interesting. Here's a picture of Nora from last month while visiting my sister at the end of August. I'm thankful that I have such a talented sister to take such great shots of N. :)

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1233/1241653798_aa678eb029.jpg?v=0

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1334/1241652980_3c2388106b.jpg?v=0

[Ericka_Jarett]

Michelle - the girls look so cute and congrats on their big day. It is hard knowing what our little ones are missing out on.

Today my baby is 1!!!! I can't help but think wow if Rebekah was here she would be 16 months now, but that pretty much guaranteed that Easton wouldn't be here. I feel so blessed to have gotten my chance to be with her and that I have a handsome baby boy and 2 beautiful girls who will be here in about 2 months. I don't get to the cemetery as I use to when I lived in NJ (we now are a 1 1/2 hours from the cemetery) so whenever I am in NJ I try to make a point of going there.

[Kimmiebride]

Happy Birthday Easton!!

Happy Belated Birthday Nora!! Great pics!!!

We are cleaning the house and getting ready for babyproofing, and Robert's things are in a bag at the bottom of the stairs. I have been passing by them for 3 days now, and seeing my little note on the envelope where his pictures and certificate are makes me sniffle almost every time. I am so happy I had my time with him too, and so thankful for my healthy living baby boy! He had his 6 month visit today, and he's 15 lb, 12.8 oz. Growing well! He's hitting his milestones, and is right in the middle of the growth chart weight for height. He moved from the co-sleeper to his crib (still in our room of course) on Monday, and now rolls over on his tummy to sleep - yikes. The doc said not to panic, and try to get some sleep. I was up all night last night...
The worry will never end...
Kimmie

[Ericka_Jarett]

Kimmie - Thanks. that's great news about moving up to his crib and him rolling over. Easton started tummy sleeping at 4 months and wanted nothing to do with back sleeping he is still that way now. He sleeps so much better on his tummy and we never had problems with him sleeping that way.

I was up a few times last night due to a stuffy nosed baby boy. He started with the sniffles while we were out at the store yesterday afternoon and by last night he was snoring in the car on the way home from the mall (used the GC my brother gave us for his b-day) So it was a bit of a rough night for him and me, but he seems a bit better today. He has a WBV tomorrow.

[Ericka_Jarett]

My husband and I welcomed Henry Jay at 5:05 yesterday afternoon (9/11) after my water broke early Sunday morning. He's 18 inches and a whopping 4 lbs., 13 oz. (that's whopping for a 31 weeker!). Moreover, he is absolutely perfect and amazing and we are so in love. Of course, he will need to spend about a month to two months in the NICU learning how to breathe and eat properly, but his prognosis is great. He came out screaming and has only needed a little oxygen support so far.

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b340/ohlhoffa/Henry%20Jay/DSCN3746.jpg

[amygrrl]

ALi - yeah!!! welcome to little henry. i hope your nicu stay is short and sweet!

[jenahdawn]

Wow! Big boy for 31 weeks!

Here's to a short (or quick) NICU stay!!!

[LDS Angel 19]

I know I said congrats on LJ, but Ali, I'm just over the moon excited for you! Henry is perfect and you did amazing with everything. I know the NICU pretty much sucks, but as we all know it could be worse. You went through so much and gave him a really good start. And he'll be home before you know it.

[jenahdawn]

Cross posted in PaaL:

mini-vent....

I'm angry. Why? Not only do we have to listen to J-Lo being pregnant for the next 100 years (remember Kate Hudson and her being pregnant for about 50 months?), but she's pregnant with two.

Now, I know chances are it was assisted. (Same with Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, Marcia Gay Harden, Patrick Dempsey's wife.....can you tell this has been weighing on me?) But STILL....why can THEY have their twins and I cannot?

I'm also finding myself thinking and wondering about celebrities who have had losses (later term) such as Keanu Reeves, Prince, Katy Sagal, Rev. Run...and wondering how they coped, etc...

Does that sound incredibly stupid?

[Astro]

Jenahdawn - nope. doesn't sound stupid. I'm right there with you.

[Giveret]

Jenahdawn: Not at all. I am so tired of hearing all the publicity these celebrities for having babies. I could care less.

On another topic, are people aware of the National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day? It is next Monday, October 15. Light a candle in your home at 7pm. This is to remember all of our little ones who are no longer with us. This was passed by Congress in 2006.

http://www.october15th.com/ for more details.

[jenahdawn]

Giveret, yep, it's been in my signature for about a week now!

Also, for those of you who are aware of the Compassionate Friends candle lighting ceremony (7pm your local time), it's on Sunday, Dec. 9th this year.

(That double sucks for us because it's our group memorial and the day after our due date....I mean, those are very good events, I just wish I could do ALL of it!)

[Kimmiebride]

Hi Everyone,
I meant to stop in yesterday to tell you that I was thinking of all our babies in heaven. I got out my pictures of Robert, and had a good cry, and snuggled my rainbow Josh. He's getting teeth.
love to all,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Astro - how are you doing? I've been thinking of you.

kimmie - ack, teeth!

jenah - sorry that those celebrity announcement have been so tough on you.

Ali - huge congrats to you. :D

sailorjenny - how is your pregnancy progressing?

goldengbridge - How's life with you?

sophia - How are those twins? They must be getting so big!

clzj - How are you? Have you made it through that tote yet?

Amy and Ericka - good luck to you both on your upcoming births.

Nora is 14 months now. She's such fun right now. It's so fun to see her figure things out for herself.

[clzj]

Jenny- I am good. Anastasia is growing up so fast. She has worn some of the things that I had gotten for the baby we lost. At first I would get teary but now it is okay. She is the delight of my life. we are hitting the 2 year mark in another week.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Today is 2 1/2 yrs for us since we had Rebekah.

[amygrrl]

i'm in early labor. effaced to 60% and dialated to 1 with contractions every 3-5 minutes... but sent home from l&d to wait it out for a few days since we'd like to try a vbac if possible. however, they won't let me hang out past tuesday so if nothing happens, i have a repeat c/s scheduled.

having lost 1 daughter, almost losing another in birth, and days away from delivering our 3rd, i'm more than a little freaked out right now. scared beyond belief might better sum up how i feel. not confident in my ability to get through this ok.. nor my child's. dwelling on every risk related to every decision we are making and will be making regarding this birth.

and this time around, feeling the larger weight of our decisions since we have malin to consider and i can't even type what i mean because of the weight of those fears.... but i think you all know where my head is going.

please say a little prayer, dance in a circle, do whatever it is you do... in hopes that the baby and i make it through this fine... that i have peace with our decisions, and that the fear i have will leave me.

[Ericka_Jarett]

amy - your in my prayers girl.

me - it's 4:13am on the east coast and here I sit. I was asleep for about 3 hours but can't sleep now. The girls are moving so much I feel nauseous, been feeling that way off and on since I had my u/s on Wednesday and the tech kept pushing on my lower right side. I have been getting crappy sleep lately and up sometimes for 1-3 hours every night just trying to get sleepy again. My feet have been hurting quite a bit lately, the right one is constantly swollen up and thus the pain goes up through my shin.

So we shall see what happens now. My stitch will come out on Wednesday, that is unless this moving around the girls are doing is the start of labor. I just don't know

[sunmoonstars75]

A little late, but wanted to let all of you know that jenahdawn was admitted to the hospital Thursday evening. She was having contractions every few minutes and not feeling them. They were able to slow the contractions, and while she is in the hospital now, she expects to come home and be on strict bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy. She wanted to make sure that all of you knew, and that she is thinking of all of you too.

[jenahdawn]

Yeah, I'm home now. We've gotten steriod shots and I am on modified bedrest, unless my doc has other ideas on Tuesday....

Basically, we are in a holding pattern.....but I'm glad to be home right now!

[udsweetpea]

I'm thinking of you, jenahdawn! I almost burst into tears when I read you were in the hospital!

[Ericka_Jarett]

jenah - sorry to hear about the hospital stay, but at least you are 33 weeks, that makes such a difference. The steroid shots will help and you will brng home a healthy baby this time.

[myangelsvw]

Just wanted to say that amy, ericka and jenah you guys are all in my thoughts. I'm saying little prayers for all your rainbows.

[Astro]

Kimmie - That's so cool Josh is getting teeth. :) The picture you posted (a while ago) was simply amazing.

Amy, Ericka, and Jenah - Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to your rainbows.

Myangelsvw - How're the kid? I've been thinking of you guys and hoping all is going well.

As for us, nothing new to report. Still here. It's been two years since the loss of our boys. Every now and then we think what they would be doing if they were here, then we think how expensive it would have been to keep them in shoes. DH has very big feet, our boys had their dad's feet when they were born. We laugh at how broke we would have been keeping them in shoes. :D

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks ladies. I go in tomorrow at 11 for a NST and then the stitch will be taken out around 1pm. Will update when I get home or if I am admitted.

[jennylou]

Astro - we still think about what Andrew would be doing these days too. The grief has gotten better, but just last week I drove by the cemetery and started crying, I drive by it often and that hasn't happened in quite a while. It's amazing the times it sneaks up on you. Are you still TTC?

****************************


Just popped in here to announce that Amy has had her baby! I'll let her post all the details, but it looks like it was yesterday.

Congrats Amy! :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

I am happy to announce the arrival of:

Julianna Grace and Katelyn Elizabeth

I was 2cm 90% effaced before removal. Went to 4cm 80% effaced right after. About 2 hours or so later was 100% complete. We headed to the OR and as soon as the bed was set up and the staff in place, I was told to push as the baby was right there. She came out in 1 push at 4:46pm. Katelyn was born breech after 3 pushes at 4:49pm.

Julianna weighs 5lbs 10oz and is 17 3/4". Katelyn is 5lbs 3oz and is 18 1/2". Apgars were 8 and 9 for both at 1min and 5mins

Keep Katelyn in prayer she was breathing a little fast so couldn't get a bath yet. I am holding Julianna right now as I type.

Jarett will be uploading pics tonight as he took Easton home to bed.

[jenahdawn]

E-J, I was JUST coming to say good luck!

Oh, I can't wait to see pictures!!!!!!

(I have chills!!!!!)

[jenahdawn]

(Katelyn, you need to get on track, Mommy has had enough worries!!!)

E-J, I just noticed, Easton, 35~6; K&J, 35~5, you have some kind of trend going on there.

Oh, Rebekah must be SOOOOOOO excited!!!!!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Here are the pics: Twins (http://duckling.smugmug.com/gallery/3704706#212261534)

[goldengbridge]

Ericka- CONGRATS!!!!! They are beautiful! Welcome to the world Julianna and Kaitlyn!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Thanks.

Love your avatar of Ashlyn, she is a cutie

[Sully130]

I've been away so long, I've missed so much!

Ericka - Congrats on the birth of your twins. I hope Katelyn is doing better now and that they'll both be home with y'all soon. You are pretty impressive to get pictures up so fast. I'm not sure how you find the time or energy! :)

Amy - Congrats to you as well!!! I saw your post in the April moms thread the other day but never got a chance to send you well wishes. I'm so glad to hear your baby is safely in your arms. Can't wait to hear more.

Astro - That nearly brought tears to my eyes. It's so true. It's hard not to think "What would have been" when the sad thing is, we will never know. It never really goes away, does it?

Jenah - I'm so sorry for your scare. I hope the rest of your pregnancy can be without event and that it can last for at least five more weeks!

~~~
As for me, I kind of had to take a break from here for a while. I am pregnant again...about 12 weeks... and I think I just needed to stay away from this part of my life. I'm not sure if I can explain it, but it's like if I pretend pregnancy problems don't exist, I can almost believe that they don't. That people just get pregnant and nine months later pop out this perfectly healthy kid. I know better, but I've been trying to fool myself to make things easier. At least having an 18-month old makes it a little easier not to focus on the pregnancy! So far, this has been my easiest and most non-eventful pregnancy. I hope and pray it stays that way.

Even if I don't come by, or I pretend to ignore the purpose of this thread, I do think of you girls often and hope you are all finding happiness in your lives. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

DH got the pics up. I just got the link up once he had the pics up, I was up anyway. :)

Congrats Sully!!!

Katelyn is better with the breathing, having issues with the formula now, so trying to get that straightened out. Julianna had a mini apnea session, so both girls went on monitors, don't think it's happened again, as they have been in our room most of the afternoon now.

Gotta run Easton is freaking out and needs to eat before my mom and brother get here and Katelyn gets back.

[Kimmiebride]

Congrats to Ericka and Amy!!! Darn this stupid constant chatter... i didn't get any updates until Sully's post! Congrats to you too momma. Hope things go smoothly this time around.

Josh is doing well, and is changing every day! He's able to amuse himself now, and is crawling all around. mischief is his middle name... Here he is at the 'Patch! I totally started crying at the pumpkin patch. It's at the same place where we went to get our Christmas tree just days after we lost Robert. I just couldn't stop crying on the way out of there. It will be two years one month from today. Like Jenny said, the grief has changed, but it still hits me out of the blue.
hugs,
Kimmie

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/IMG_7208.jpg

[amygrrl]

Eiley Sophia was born on 10/22 at 3:31 pm weighing 7lbs and 1 oz and 19 inches long.

it was a rough repeat c/s and she had a couple of issues that landed her in the special care unit. (i'll elaborate in the next few days once we get home but let's just say her head wasn't even engaged but she somehow got stuck... so stuck that repeated use of the vacume and forceps couldn't get her out... what the heck is that? who knew you could get stuck in a c/s???). but they released her to my room this evening and it looks like we can go home tomorrow.

pictures coming soon! also, great details about malin meeting eiley for the first time and also visiting her in special care where she inisted that eiley needed to have her babydoll with her.

[Sully130]

Congratulations Amy!!! What a beautiful name! I'm sorry things were rough, but I'm glad to hear she's doing well enough now to be ready to go home tomorrow. Can't wait to hear more.

Kimmie - Josh is so adorable!! You are such a talented photographer! I'm sorry the visit to the pumpkin patch was so emotional (with good reason). Grief surely does sneak up on you and grab you when you least expect it. But in a way, it's a beautiful thing to have your precious Josh there to bring happiness to a place that harbors such a sad memory.

Ericka - I hope the girls are continuing to improve!

[jenahdawn]

Oh, Josh is so adorable!

Kim, I bow to you for even GETTING a tree that year.

[jenahdawn]

cp'd here and pg after a loss:

So, I'm starting to freak out some. I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow and I'm happy she's so active, but I am also freaked that there will be a cord accident and we won't get to bring her home either. (The majority of losses in our local support group happen to be cord accidents)

I mean, I know that they are rare, but she's moving around SO much that I lie in bed at night just thinking "What if?"

The other part of me says, "No, this time is different. We bought all of the big stuff this time, so we will get to bring her home. Plus there's only one. You've had no bleeding. You threw up this time. Everything is going to be different."

I wish I could just demand that I be induced at 37 weeks if all is okay.

[Ericka_Jarett]

We are now home and the girls are on apnea monitors. Julianna had 2 episodes last night at midnight and 2am, and thank you Lord no more since. They may have reflux, we will find out more on Monday when we go to a new pediatrician. (Hospital wanted them seen today, I called the doctor and he called me back and said he felt comfortable with waiting until Monday since they were on monitors and all the info I gave him about them feeding and such was ok. He said he had a lot of really sick kids with the stomach bug and didn't want to risk our girls getting it so we are the first appt on Monday morning instead. They do have 24 hour on-call though so if we need them, just to call them)

Amy - that is crazy about the baby getting stuck in a section. Jarett was telling me that his ex they picked up by the stomach to get the baby out.

Jenah - hugs girl, everything will be great, you will be coming home with Lilly.

[ali_ohli]

Hi, ladies!

It's true, I had my rainbow baby. :) My pregnancy problems resulted in an early arrival (31 weeks), but little Henry is now home from the NICU after six weeks and doing great. We feel so blessed. Here's a shot of our guy. I'm so in love!

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b340/ohlhoffa/DSCN4281.jpg

Welcome to all the new babies! It's so exciting to see so much action on this thread. Last week, there was the most beautiful rainbow here in Chicago. I was sitting next the Henry's crib in the NICU at the time, and I thought of all of you and our dear rainbow babies. God bless them all.

Jenah, I had many similar feelings as I got past viability in my pregnancy with Henry. I just couldn't believe that things would really work out for us, after everything we'd been through. Even though things are great now, it's still difficult to have faith that everything's going to be fine. I think it comes with the territory, and I just have to do my best to manage the feelings and not let them detract from my enjoyment of Henry. Good luck to you!

[jenahdawn]

ali, he's GORGEOUS!

Yeah, I know I can do this. I'm just getting scared....And I won't feel comfortable until we get her home and then I know I will be all worried about other things that I don't want to mention. (You all get it)

God, please let me keep what little bit of sanity I have left for the next few weeks.

The other thing that I am getting scared about, which I KNOW is normal: She's a lot bigger than her sisters already...and they were easy to push out, being so tiny. She's not going to be as easy. And her shoulders are a lot bigger, too.....this is going to hurt physically more this time than emotionally.

But, I've been through terrible already, I can do anything! (And if I keep saying it, maybe I will start to believe it! :) )

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - you know it's funny you mention about the pain you will feel. With Easton, I had a 3rd degree tear requiring 2 sets of stitches and took 90 mins to push him out. With the girls, I had a minor 2nd degree tear and pushed 1 time for Julianna and 3 times for Katelyn and it was all over in about 15 mins (stitched and all)

[chocolate_truffle]

Hello Ladies,

It's been ages since I posted here, but I had to stop by and give my congratulations to our rainbow baby repeat offenders, Amy and Ericka! You girls rock!!! :D

Sully -- It's so nice to see you around, fellow August 2005 mom!! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it remains boring and uneventful. How is Thomas doing? Is he looking forward to being a big brother?

ali_ohli-- Henry is beautiful and I'm so glad he's home from the NICU.

Kimmie -- OMG!!! Could Josh be any cuter in that pumpkin picture? I love his hair!!! He has your coloring, the lucky devil.

Jenah -- I'm sorry for your recent scare and I'm glad you are home from the hospital. Like most of the people in your local support group, my first daughter, Sabrina, was born still due to a cord accident. It happened when I was 40w3d and in active labor, which is still completely incomprehensible to me. When I was pregnant with Brynna, I didn't trust my body at all. The only thing that kept me sane was constant monitoring and the promise of a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. My advice is to trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, go to your doctor and make him listen to you. You've earned the right not to be questioned. If your doctor hasn't already done so, get him to schedule a date for an induction or a c-section if you're going that route. In the meantime, demand to be given NSTs two or three times a week for the small bit of peace of mind they provide. Like I said, constant monitoring and knowing the end date are what kept me from turning into a stark raving madwoman at the end of my second pregnancy. :)

Hello to everyone else!! Even though I rarely post, I do read along and think of all you ladies often.

[amygrrl]

hey everyone... finally getting settled here.. so here are some photos... not the best, but i'll replace them with better ones shortly...

eiley sophia
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/eiley3.jpg

coming home from the hospital with malin and eiley....
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e257/amygrrl/malinandeiley3.jpg

[Kimmiebride]

Ali and Amy... such beautiful babies!!! My heart is all warm right now! Jenah, Lilly's gonna be just fine too!
love you guys!!!
Kimmie

[pewee9196]

Ladies
I came to you when looking for how to support a very dear friend who lost her DD at 7 days. The advice was perfect. I am now asking for advice on how to continue that support. She recently moved across country (military) and is depressed and feeling far from her Daughter. She knows it is just the gravesite and location that she was pregnant etc but she still aches. Any advice would be great. She is such an amazing friend. We have been friends for 28 years!! TIA!

[Sully130]

Jenah - I know it must be getting scary for you. I agree with chocolate truffle, don't be afraid to ask you doctor for extra monitoring if that will help ease your mind at all. I know with me too, my docs decided they didn't want me going past 39 weeks just because I had been through so much and they didn't want to risk anything else, so I was induced at 38w5d.

As for fearing the pain of delivery, I was actually surprised at how much different my delivery was with my son than with my angel daughter. She was not much more than a pound, but my labor was so much more intense and painful. I think the emotional side of things had a lot to do with that, I don't know, but it was SO MUCH easier with my son (who was 8 lbs, 4 oz). Granted, I had an epidural with him, but not until far too late and the labor prior to that was NOTHING compared to what I had with my daughter. I know everyone's labor experience is different, but I hope for you that your labor is as easy as it can be. :)

Amy - I came back looking for pics of Eiley!! She is beautiful!! And I love that look Malin is giving in the car picture. Too cute.

Chocolate truffle - Nice to hear from you. No, Thomas has no clue what he's in for! I don't htink he's going to love taking the back seat to anyone, but he does seem to love babies, so hopefully that will help. I have no idea how I will handle all of that!

Pewee - You are sweet to think of your friend so kindly. Do you live where her little girl is buried? You could offer to stop by the gravesite occasionally if you do. If not, just keep doing what you are doing. REmember that she existed and ask your friend how she is doing, and remember to especially contact her on her DD's birthday and such just so she knows you remember and you are thinking of her.

[Ericka_Jarett]

new picture I took last night of the girls. Was too sweet to resist.

Julianna is on the left and Katelyn on the right:
http://duckling.smugmug.com/photos/213710852-S.jpg

[chocolate_truffle]

Evidently I've been bitten by the posting bug this weekend. ;)

Amy -- I love the picture of Malin and Eiley. How's your leg, by the way?

Sully -- You'll figure everything out and Thomas will adore being a big brother. I'm just so glad you're having a plain vanilla pregnancy this time.

Ericka -- Julianna and Katelyn are too sweet for words. Congratulations again, my other fellow August 2005 mom in this thread.

Peewee -- The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her now and in the years to come. The first year completely sucks and your friend needs to know people are still thinking about her and her daughter. There are a few especially difficult days on the calendar -- Thanksgiving, the winter holidays, Mother's day, the baby's birthday, and the anniversary of the day the baby passed away -- when it's really helps to know people care. Pick up the phone and let her know she and her daughter are in your thoughts.

As the rest of the ladies in this thread will tell you, everyone is supportive in the beginning, but it's a precious few people who will stick with you for the long haul. The first few months after Sabrina died, I was a complete mess. During that time, my best friend called me a couple of times a week and just let me talk while she listened. Those phone calls kept me sane, and let me know someone was thinking about me and my daughter. My BFF still calls me every Mother's day to let me know she's thinking of me and my two girls. In contrast, none of my ILs acknowledge Sabrina and my evil MIL sent me a "first" mother's day card only after Brynna was born. My BFF is actually a member of this board, so the next time you see ee_chick around, please give the girl props for being an amazing person. :)

[Astro]

Ericka congratulations! your girls are adorable. :)

Amy I love the picture of the girls in the car. Malin has a look on her face that seems like she's daring anyone to mess with her or her sister. :)

Update on us. It's been two years since we lost our boys. We've been trying IVF for almost three years, had two miscarriages after losing the boys, and numerous failed IVF rounds. After this last cycle, we've decided we're done. We can't keep putting ourselves through IVF cycles as they are so draining emotionally and physically (not to mention financially). We're going to heal a bit and then see what our options are.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Astro - so good to hear from you. I'm so sorry that the IVF rounds have not been working for you. I will be praying for you as you heal from all the stress and strain of the cycles. Hope you do get to come back in with big news for us soon. Hugs to you

Thanks for the compliment on the girls.

This was another priceless pic tonight:
http://duckling.smugmug.com/photos/215152264-S.jpg

[pocahontas]

Coming to join the club that may not necessarily be the most popular on the block (although I am used to that since I came from SAI...another thread no one wants to necessarily be a member of). Can't say right now I have a lot to say because I am a little numb. But here are my stats which is a start I guess...

Pocahontas
ME: 37
DH: 34
TTC: 2/06
BFP: 6/14/07
DS: Born and died 11/7/07 at 24w 4d after living 27 minutes.
Cause of Loss: premature rupture of amniotic sac

[Ericka_Jarett]

Pocahontas - I am soooooo sorry to welcome you to this group. Losing a baby sucks big time. I am so sorry to hear you lost your son, I have seen you around other threads and was happy to see you were expecting.

Hugs to you, be kind to yourself and grieve as long as you need and feel free to vent here anytime. I read your post on the February board. Remember you are a mommy still it's just to an angel instead now. I am so sad for you after reading your post, I remember it myself so vividly with my own daughter and close to your son's gestation.

[sophiapb]

Dammit, Pocahantas. I was really rooting for you. I would see some of your posts on SAI and other threads and I was so happy for you when you graduated. I am so sorry that this happened to you and your family. I read what you posted on the February thread. Although I'm happy that you were able to spend some time with your son, this whole thing just breaks my heart. No one should have to lose a child. And for the record, you became a mom as soon as that little guy grabbed hold inside you and settled in so don't let anyone tell you different.
Please come here anytime you want, whether it's to cry, vent, question or just to shake your fist at fate. Feel free to read through this and the previous threads. As much as it sucks, you'll see that you are not alone and we are all here for you.

[jennylou]

pocahantas - I'm so sorry for your loss. :( We have several of us who came through the SAI threads and then made our way here. It's certainly a sucky thing.

[Kimmiebride]

Poca... nooooo. I am just so sorry to hear the sad news of the loss of your son. I know there are just no words that could make you feel better at this time, but know we are here for you my dear. Oh, how I hate it when we get new members... Your family is in my prayers. I just went to the Feb thread to read what you posted, and my heart is just aching for you. I am glad you got to hold your son, and shared your experience with us. He will talk to you in your heart. I just wish there was a way we all didn't have to know how awful this feels.
with love,
Kimmie

[Lisa]

Poca- sorry you are joining us. It totally sucks but this group is amazingly supportive. We are here for what ever you need. I will continue to pray for you. i agree with everyone else. He's your angel now watching over you.

[LDS Angel 19]

pocahontas I'm so sorry :( This is all so unfair. I've seen you around the boards and you always seemed so upbeat about everything you were going through with TTC, and now this. My heart aches for you. Please let us know if there is anything any of us can do. And just be gentle with yourself. Don't force yourself to do anything or feel anything you're not ready for.

You know, I'm not sure why, but I'm still surprised when we get a new member here, and every single time I'm instantly brought back to the first 48 hours or so after our loss. I didn't think I would survive. And looking back over two years later, I have no idea how I did.

[Ericka_Jarett]

You know, I'm not sure why, but I'm still surprised when we get a new member here, and every single time I'm instantly brought back to the first 48 hours or so after our loss. I didn't think I would survive. And looking back over two years later, I have no idea how I did.

It's so true. I relive the whole day of Rebekah's birth as if it was yesterday. I just had to explain a little of it at the ped when I took the twins in for a weight check. They didn't have Rebekah on the charts, so the nurse added her and how she passed. Brought up some anger at the OB practice all over again.

[jenahdawn]

Poca, joinging in with the NOs!

LDS, exactly. Don't know how I (we) did it, but we did.

Ericka, I had a nurse tell me the other day when we called up triage (I'm tired of these early contractions!), even after explaining why we were so cautious and scared, etc etc, whole story, "Oh, so this is your FIRST baby...." (Can I go back and kick her?)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - that is just wrong. The nurse at the peds office was really nice and sincerely sorry for our loss. After the girls were weighed and before we left the room she had said, so you have baby 2 and 3 now. I said actually they are 3 and 4. She said oh, you have another child, we only have a son Easton down. So I told her about Rebekah and she said let's get her added to the charts. I like this peds practice better than my original one I had with Easton.

[jennylou]

Michelle - you are so right, it does bring it back up each and every time we have a new member join us. I hate, hate, hate that anyone has to join us, and I too am shocked when someone does. :(

poca - please feel free to post again when you feel ready. We're here ready to listen.

[pocahontas]

poca - please feel free to post again when you feel ready. We're here ready to listen.
Thanks Jenny...I am trying to be on the computer less and less because I have journal on another site that I checked today and all of my friends there from my WC days (some of whom also frequent here on CC but most are over there) posted comments that just drove me to tears (especially one who has been where we all are and lost her daughter just a few weeks gestation from where I was). The reason her PM and post were so tough was because not only does she know what this feels like but...she is also currently expecting and we were DUE DATE BUDDIES. Such a kicker...we celebrated together that we were both due February 23. So to look at her ticker saying 107 days to go...OH GOD. The tears just don't stop...and I can't stop them no matter how hard I try.

[jenahdawn]

The tears just don't stop...and I can't stop them no matter how hard I try.


It's okay....they don't have to! Going on 14 months later, they don't here.

And it's okay if you need to step back from that friend for a little while. She will understand.

You do whatever feels right to you right now. If it's sitting in a dark room crying all day, go ahead. If you don't want to be on the computer, phone, any other device, don't. If you want to mindlessly surf, go for it. If you want to start looking for sites to help....go ahead. If you don't want to get out of pjs for the next few days, don't. (You may want to throw on a bit of deodorant and brush your teeth once in a while, but otherwise, who cares?)

You have no obligations to do anything right now. And that's okay!

[goldengbridge]

Pocahontas- I'm so very sorry you've had to join our group. This is definately a club you don't want to be a part of. I am so sorry for your loss. We're here if you need us. I lost my little boy 19 months ago and these girls have helped me tremendously. I hope we can all help even if its in a little way.

[Eliezrah]

Poca, I just wanted to jump in here and give you more {{HUGS}} My heart is breaking for you and DH and your families right now. You cry all you want/ need to. You are a mommy and have every right to grieve your loss.

[LDS Angel 19]

Pregnant friends are difficult, esp. if you were due close. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, just do what you have to do for you.

Let yourself cry. Holding it in will make it harder to deal with later.

[Kimmiebride]

Quote:
The tears just don't stop...and I can't stop them no matter how hard I try.

It's okay....they don't have to! Going on 14 months later, they don't here.

Cry, cry, cry! Man, aint that the truth. I am nearing the 2 year mark (11/24) and your story struck such a chord with me as well since my water broke unexpectedly at 18w5d, and Robert grew his wings on Thanksgiving 2005. I remember those pains you talked about, which turned out to be labor for both of us, and it feels like yesterday. When I ready your pain in your message my heart just went out to you, and opened up again those sad memories for me at the same time. Strangely, I think that's why we can help each other so much... each one of us re-lives our loss again and again, and we know what you feel, and we want to ease your pain in any way we can.

Just be gentle with yourself, and do whatever you need to do for yourself and for each other. You and your DH have been through so much, and you deserve all the time you need to heal.
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

poca - Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to cry and to mourn. You just lost a child, a son! Many people won't understand, but you'll have to grieve on your own terms. Hold tightly to your DH, heal together. I thought DH and I were so close, going through IF together, etc. It's amazing how much closer we became after we lost Andrew. And, we still lean on each other - 2.5 years later - and cry when we need to. My thoughts and prayers are with you today.

[Sully130]

Oh Poca, I am so, so, so sorry you had to join our group. That just makes my heart skip a beat. It's so unfair and so very sad. No one deserves this. But please do know you are very much a mother. I know it might not feel like it, but you are. You earned that title.

And I also agree with everything Michelle/LDS Angel said. I am also always shocked for some strange reason when this happens to someone else. And I also remember thinking I'd never make it another hour, let alone another day or month. But somehow, someway, you get through it. You will never get over it, but you will get through it. I promise you.

Just take things one minute at a time if that's what you need. And talk all you want, or not at all. Whatever helps you make it through the day. Thinking of you, your husband, and your precious angel son....

[Eliezrah]

And I also remember thinking I'd never make it another hour, let alone another day or month. But somehow, someway, you get through it. You will never get over it, but you will get through it. I promise you.I never had the misfortune of losing a child, but my FH died in my arms 8 years ago and my brother (the person I was closest to me in this world) died 2 days after my wedding, 5 years ago. I know neither is the same, but I did go through the grieving process. I still get teary eyed when I hear a certain song or see a picture, or smell a smell. Someone once asked me after FH died "aren't you over it yet, it's been a month?" and I was in shock! You NEVER get over it, you just learn to keep living your life day by day. {{HUGS}} to you all!

[jeggink]

Pocahantas I am so very sorry for your loss :(. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family during this difficult period!! HUGS!

[amygrrl]

poca - dammick. i get so pissed every time we get a new member. i know you are right in the middle of everything, but remember to be gentle with yourself. and put yourself and your dh first. you guys need to take care of yourselves and each other right now.

[SailorJenny]

Pocahantas- I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I hate seeing new members. Ditto everyone else: it hurts like hell, and it will never stop hurting, but you will survive this. And you are a mother, no matter what anyone says. Hugs to you.

[pocahontas]

Thanks everyone...I am going to start returning all the PMs I got today because reading them all I just didn't know what to say or have the strength to think about it. Jenah, yours especially brought me to tears because I so vividly remember your story (I think many of the other ladies was a bit before my time on CC). But I had started lurking in the mommy threads reading up on what I could expect when I got my BFP and when you lost your girls I was in shock! Your PM struck a chord especially because your girls were to be February babies like my little boy. Anyway, I don't want to ramble on. I just wanted to say thanks. It is amazing how many people have talked to me IRL that this happened to (a few who I knew about but a couple I had no idea.) The people you bond with over this kind of thing is amazing because very few can know the hell you are living...the guilt of "was I doing too much? Is that why this happened? When I felt crampy should I have just come home from work and gone to sleep and not done that laundry? DH always did get on you for lifting that laundry basket, you know. Should I have laid down 'til I felt better rather than load and unload the dishwasher? Hell, should I have quit my job when I found out I was pregnant and put myself on self imposed 'bedrest'?" I am wrestling with it all. But I know you guys understand...

[tealynn]

Poca, oh my. I don't have the words to say how sorry I am. When I saw your name in this thread I was hoping it was fluke. You're a very strong person and god must know this. I don't really know you more than from the family thread and struggling to get pg w/ you for over a year and a half but I'm crying for you right now and hoping your pain eases soon.

[goldengbridge]

Pocahontas- It is completely normal to feel like you've done something to cause this but please gentle on yourself. You DIDN"T do anything to cause this to happen.

[jennylou]

pocahontas - you did nothing wrong. People do those things each and every single day while pregnant. You simply lived. It's hard not to feel guilty though, it's normal I think. Don't worry too much about returning each and every PM. I had a WC journal back when I lost Andrew and between the posts there and the emails that I got, while all were appreciated, there was just no way that I could respond to them all. But, there is a feature where I think you can PM up to five people, so if you decide to respond, maybe do a generic response and reply to five people at once?

[sunmoonstars75]

(x-posted just about everywhere)

jenahdawn update - no baby girl yet, but she was admitted yesterday afternoon after her appointment. They confirmed today that she has mild pre-e, and will be at the hospital until Saturday night or Sunday morning, when they will start induction.

I'll be sure to be back when I have more info.

[jennylou]

poca - just checking in and wanted to say that I'm thinking about you today.

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I have been going through some really tough times, and think I actually have a late case of PPD. I have been crying every day, and have been just a mess. In addition, Robert's Angel Day is 11/24, and this is such a hard time of year. I had been feeling so guilty for feeling depressed when I have so much to be thankful for now. My doctor said it's normal, and I made an appt with the psych dept and will most likely take the prozac this time when they offer it. I am just so overwhelmed trying to run the business and find a reliable babysitter who can watch Josh while I work. I don't know how you moms who work outside the home handle it all. I can barely keep my head above water these days. At least wedding season is officially over now, and I can concentrate on my year end taxes, getting Josh's room ready for him to move out of our room into, and doing holiday portraits for clients.

Poca, I hope you are reading along, and know that we are all thinking of you.

love to you all!
Kimmie

[ali_ohli]

Pocahontas...you're in my thoughts. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. As the others have said, just take it one day at a time and go easy on yourself. I know how raw the pain is right now, but I can promise you that it will eventually get better. I wish you comfort...

[pocahontas]

Thanks to everyone...there are so many of you to name but just know that I appreciate all of your kind words. I am just starting to get back to work so that I can feel somewhat "normal". :rolleyes: I am a teacher and all my kids had made cards for me I had a plant and a balloon waiting for me. It was nice. But today DH and I had to pick up our little boy's ashes from the funeral home. WOW. That was pretty surreal. The fact that I look at your avatars and so many of you writing here have gone on to have successful pregnancies and adorable children now gives me so much hope because I was honestly just sitting here on Ebay trying to sell some Winnie the Pooh crib bedding and it dawned on me as I said to my DH that someday I'm going to have to go back to ordering OPKs and Pregnancy Tests off Ebay again. :eek: GAH! Where is the fair in that?! Starting all over again...it's just like UGH! :mad: Oh and then there was the fun in icing my boobs starting from about 3 days pp because my milk came in! I know you all have been there...so I'm sure you can identify but it just made me so sad to know I actually could make milk and had no baby to nurse when I think of all the threads I've read on CC where there were girls who wanted to nurse so bad and for whatever reason their milk never came in or whatever. I mean it just made me sick that my body worked like a well-oiled machine when it came to milk production but couldn't work like that same fine tuned machine when it came to keeping my baby in for the full 9 months. :( Sorry to bitch and moan, but this sucks so bad.

[jennylou]

Ah, poca, my milk was one of the hardest reminders for me. It lasted a full seven weeks too, ugh, the non stop dripping! It finally dried up when I started clomid. :rolleyes:

[sunmoonstars75]

Miss Lillian Grace has made her arrival!

I am so pleased to announce the arrival of Lillian Grace, who was born this evening at 9:24 pm. She is 18" long and 6'11". Dad sounded over the moon and Mom is doing well. I'll let her give more details when she gets home, which will be this week sometime.

Congrats Jenahdawn and family!!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congrats Jenahdawn and family. Welcome Lillian Grace!!!!!