Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss support group [Archive] - Page 2

jennylou

11-21-2006, 03:46 AM

N and I have been oot, we just got home on Sunday and are still trying to catch up!

I'm so excited for all of you ladies that are meeting milestones in your pregnancies and Michelle for your exciting BFP. I'm saying prayers for all of you.

I got word from my BFF that a friend from high school just had her first baby (like me, she has pcos and needed clomid to get pregnant), anyways, I'm not sure of all the details but the baby was taken by emergency c/s on Saturday. They had been estimating (stupid late u/s!) the baby to be very large. She felt a lack of movement on Saturday, went to the hospital and they decided to induce. Then, not too soon after that they did the emergency c/s. I'm not sure of all the details, but the baby ended up only 5 lbs and a few ounces, a far cry from the big baby they were calling for. In addition, the baby is having problems and they are not sure what is going on. The baby's blood sugar has been really low and they haven't yet allowed the baby to eat any BM or formula. My BFF was getting all of this info from our friends mom, so some of it may shake out differently over the next few days, but she indicated that the dr's think it might be something metabolic and they don't sound all that hopeful. There's probably only one thing worse than a sick baby, and we all know how that feels, so if you feel so inclined please keep this friend in your prayers.

Lisa

11-21-2006, 06:08 AM

Kimmiebride

11-21-2006, 10:24 AM

Jennylou, thinking of your friend's baby, and praying for the best!

Holidays... since we lost Robert on Thanksgiving it will be particularly hard. His Angel Day is Friday, and that's the day we have the big family dinner. I am planning on lighting a candle on the table for him. I may or may not explain why, depending on how I feel. Ray and I might do a balloon release or something just private between us. Of course people just might not understand our sadness when we are pregnant again, and we don't want to have to undergo that kind of scrutiny, so we will probably keep it all private. I am truly so grateful to be pregnant again, because I know it would be even harder to face this day without something concrete to look forward to.

GGbridge, we're not finding out the sex... want a big surprise, and we truly don't care which flavor it is!

Thinking of all of you during the holidays and always!!! Our littlle ones are having such a fine play group together!!
Kimmie

jenahdawn

11-21-2006, 02:37 PM

Tomorrow is 8 weeks for us....Tuesdays are hard because everything started on Tuesday night....

Lisa

11-21-2006, 02:47 PM

Tomorrow is 8 weeks for us....Tuesdays are hard because everything started on Tuesday night....
I know the feeling. I hated sundays for a while and the 2nd will be 5 months for us. So hard to believe its been that long. Time does heal...slowly.

This pregnancy has me on edge some days. I feel like everything thing I do will harm this baby[but I know that isnt true]. We dont know why and what happened to our princess and I'm scared. I try to stay positive and remember I'm not in control and This baby will be prefect no matter what. Sorry for me rambling I think I just needed to get that out and no one in our family knows yet and if they did I still probably would tell them all I'm feeling. Thanks everyone. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

sophiapb

11-21-2006, 02:54 PM

Rolling my butt off the couch to come in here and wish LDS Angel a hearty congrats and to send over some sticky vibes. So excited for you!

*Waving* to you all and wishing everyone strength for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. :)

jennylou

11-22-2006, 02:57 PM

I'm just stopping in really quick to wish you all a gentle Thanksgiving tomorrow. It was one of the harder holidays for us last year, as we didn't feel like we had too much to be thankful for. Those of you that this is your first holiday season without your angel(s), please be gentle on yourselves. If you don't want to do the big holiday gathering, feel free to not do it. Even if family pisses and moans, screw 'em.

We ended up going last year b/c people were pissing and moaning. I think we were there for about two hours and I must have spent the whole time in near tears and smoking outside (and we had a snow storm that day!). Anyways, do whatever you need to get through the day.

Kimmiebride

11-24-2006, 10:31 AM

Today is Robert's Angel Day. I have been pretty good, just crying a little bit here and there. We only had one friend call us to check on us, and everyone else we spoke to with the exception of my family in Florida, who said a nice prayer at their dinner yesterday for the new baby and for Robert, didn't mention it. I was prepared for that...

DH & I watched from Conception to Birth on Discovery channel, and we cried a little together when the babies were born. I said that's what we're hoping for this time, instead of our very quiet birth experience with Robert. Baby was kicking me throughout the whole show, and has been pretty active, so that lessens my panic a little bit. Otherwise, I am feeling pretty good. Still a bit sore in my belly muscles, and having a BH contraction every once in a while, which will always freak me out, at least until we get to the point where this baby could survive if it came early. One day at a time...
Blessings to you all!
Kimmie

jennylou

11-24-2006, 10:57 AM

Kimmie, I'm sorry people didn't mention Robert. I think some people don't want to upset us, but don't realize they upset us more by pretending that they never were. I'm glad the little bundle was giving you reassuring kicks.

Astro

11-26-2006, 10:24 PM

Kimmie You, your dh, Robert, and the baby were in our thoughts this weekend.

Ericka_Jarett

11-27-2006, 06:09 AM

Kimmie - hope your day was easy and Thank you Lord for the new baby moving around a trying to give his/her momma some reassurance that things are going to be ok.

Took Easton to church yesterday for the first time (we went to our old church in NJ since we never got to show everyone Easton and it was our casual good-bye since we live 1 1/2 hours away, we are looking for a church closer to home) No one mentioned Rebekah, just that Easton is a blessing of what is to still come. I was ok with it, I know they remember her, just trying to spare me any heartache. Pastor's wife asked to hold him, she has known me almost my whole life, after she looked at his pictures. Got talking about Rebekah and she asked if we had pics of her, told her we did, they were taken just for her book and for our memory. She asked if she ever saw them, I told her not unless she looked at her baby book and that at her funeral her pics were not in there. We never posted them on her site and I never posted them here, because they are just personal to us. I warn people if they do look at her book that her pics are in there and they can skip them if they would like. I don't want to scare people by showing them pics of a deceased baby, although you really can't tell, she just looks like a little doll laying in a blanket or in her dress. When Easton and his siblings are older, they will be able to see the book and their big sister.

We than went to the cemetary, hadn't been since the weekend before I gave birth, to put wreaths out at Rebekah's and my dad's graves. Went to dad's first and we had Easton in his carseat and I said this is where your grandpa Ray is. Than we walked down the path to Rebekah's and I put her little wreath I made in the ground, cleared some leaves off the stone and looked at Easton and touched his little foot and than looked back at her grave. Jarett tilted Easton's seat and said this is your big sister Rebekah and I just lost it. Stood crying for a while and just looking at my little blessing in his seat and couldn't help but think how blessed I really am, to not have only gotten to experience pregnancy once but twice and to have gotten 2 beautiful children. Told Jarett on the walk back to the car, I am sad and miss Rebekah, but also know that if she was here I wouldn't have Easton. Hejust warms my heart so much, I cant imagine life without him. Losing Rebekah broke my heart, knowing I will see her again one day, brings some healing though.

Lisa

11-27-2006, 06:18 AM

Stood crying for a while and just looking at my little blessing in his seat and couldn't help but think how blessed I really am, to not have only gotten to experience pregnancy once but twice and to have gotten 2 beautiful children. Told Jarett on the walk back to the car, I am sad and miss Rebekah, but also know that if she was here I wouldn't have Easton. Hejust warms my heart so much, I cant imagine life without him. Losing Rebekah broke my heart, knowing I will see her again one day, brings some healing though.

I feel the same way. Not having Lauryn broke and some days still breaks my heart but I know I will see her again. I know this was God's plan for my family. I miss her everyday but I know she is just fine and for once in my life I don't need to worry about one of my kids. She is in the best hands possible:D

Ericka_Jarett

11-27-2006, 06:24 AM

LDS Angel 19

11-27-2006, 07:54 AM

Gosh, you girls are nearly making me cry! (Can I blame it on hormones yet? lol)

I hope Thanksgiving was gentle for all of you. Ours was ok. Much better than last year, just because most of my family has finally learned to shut up, lol.

I had my repeat beta today, should know the results by tomorrow at the latest. I'm starting to feel a tiny bit calmer. Sunday marked the point I started bleeding with my last pregnancy, and I haven't had as much as a spot so far this time, so that helps.

I've been thinking of you ladies a lot recently. I'm so glad to 'know' you all and I am thankful for your support. I'm praying for gentle holidays to come and maybe even some joy in the new year.

Lisa

11-27-2006, 08:13 AM

Lisa - Amen to that. I imagine her up in heaven with my Dad and all of our little ones and what a celebration they must be having. They may not be here in body, but I know for me she lives on in my heart and always will.

I know...she is with me everyday in my heart and that is something I will always have no matter what. I know this baby is a blessing and as anxious as I can be with this baby, I know this all will be exactly what God wanted for us!

Can I ask what you all plan on or have done for your baby's birthday? Do you do anything on their angel day?

Ericka_Jarett

11-27-2006, 08:39 AM

Lisa - for what was to be Rebekah's 1st (we go by the day she was born and passed since it's the same day, although wasn't due until August), we didn't really do anything special, did go and put a stuffed animal out on the tree near her grave, but nothing really big. A friend of mine sent a card and I got it the day before her date. I had a good cry after that. I was trying to stay strong with being pregnant again and trying not to llinger on it too much that she was gone. Sat and looked at her book and tried to stay busy.

LDS Angel 19

11-30-2006, 05:30 AM

my second beta was 9682.

We had our first u/s yesterday.

we're having twins.

honestly? I'm terrrified.

goldengbridge

11-30-2006, 05:34 AM

Michelle- OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats! I think your feelings are completely normal. I'm terrified and I'm only having ONE! Wow- twins!

Kimmiebride

11-30-2006, 09:08 AM

Wow wow wow!!! That's so awesome! We'll hold your hand throught the fear! Stick babies, stick!!! I think you should just lie down until July... Take it easy little mommy!
Kimmie

1_mommy

11-30-2006, 09:09 AM

oct 05 mama posting for lds
i heard thru the grapevine your wonderful news! i had to come by and congratulate you! so happy for you!!!

LDS Angel 19

11-30-2006, 09:12 AM

I think you should just lie down until July...

LOL! I would if I could.

lml41981

11-30-2006, 09:12 AM

Congratulations, Michelle! I'm so happy for you I could dance!

allyray231

11-30-2006, 10:02 AM

coming out of lurking to say how HAPPY I am for you Michelle!! So exciting :)

Ok back to lurking ;)

sophiapb

11-30-2006, 07:37 PM

Congrats, LDS! You'll do great! I'm so so SO happy for you and hubby! :D

jeggink

12-01-2006, 05:45 AM

I would like to join you ladies, although not happily :(.

Jeggink
me: 33
DH: 33
Married: 9.28.02
DS: 9.23.04
Angel Baby: Kayla Anne born on 11/27/06 at 19w3d.
Cause of loss: Unbalanced Translocation of Chromosomes, genetic, but not from us, just a fluke.
Other issues: 2 m/c in Jan 06 and April 06, unknown reasons

This is a difficult road to follow. I am so overwelmingly sad and angry right now, plus my milk is in full force so I am trying to handle that as well as an active toddler. So difficult. This is not something anyone should have to go through.

LDS Angel 19

12-01-2006, 06:51 AM

oh jeggink I am so so sorry. I hope we can offer you support. I know for me it helped a lot just knowing that others had been there. Be gentle with yourself.

Ericka_Jarett

12-01-2006, 06:54 AM

Michelle - Congrats girl, you must be thrilled. Will keep praying for you.

jeggink - so sorry you had to join us. Feel free to vent when you need to and cry as you need. We are here for you

jennylou

12-01-2006, 07:19 AM

jeggink - I'm so sorry for your loss. My milk was a huge thing for me. I'd planned on breast feeding, and hated seeing my engorged, leaky breasts. It was just an awful reminder, really. You can try cabbage leaves, that seems to help many (it didn't really for me). I'm sorry that you've had to join us, I hate seeing new members, as this is a club no one wants to join and none of us want to see more members. At the same time, this group of ladies was incredibly supportive, they were so helpful after I lost Andrew. A place I knew that just sort of "got it". I hope we prove helpful to you as well. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Kimmiebride

12-01-2006, 08:31 AM

Jeggink, I am so glad you came and joined us, and I hope we can bring you some comfort thoufgh this terrible pain. I was so sad to read of your loss of Kayla. There were a couple of books that people recommended after I lost Robert, and you might find some solace in the stories there as well. Life Touches Life by Lorraine Ash and Empty cradle, broken heart by Deborah Davis were two of my favorite.
Take care, and our shoulders are here for any tears you need to shed with us.
Kimmie

goldengbridge

12-01-2006, 10:41 AM

Judi- I never like to see new members, let alone a good friend of mine. These ladies are wonderful and have helped me so much after Jacob's passing. I'm hoping we will be able to do the same for you. You know I'm here for you whenever you need me.

Sully130

12-01-2006, 02:38 PM

Never can find the time for CC anymore, but was doing some quick lurking and had to come in here for LDS!

Michelle - I'm so happy for you! Many, many sticky vibes coming your way. And twins!?!?! Oh my! That's doubly fabulous! :D

jeggink - I lurk sometimes in the High Risk Pregnancies thread since I have some experience there and I followed your story. I'm so sorry for your little girl. No one should have to experience the loss of a child. The milk coming in is awful... I found that cabbage leaves helped, as did staying completely bound. Not sure if they gave you the Ace bandage type thing to bind your breasts, but it really helped me. And sports bras. And not letting warm water hit your chest in the shower.

Astro

12-01-2006, 05:29 PM

jeggink I'm so sorry you had to join us, but I also hope you can find some support and sympathy here with this group. Please feel free to use this group to vent or talk. If you want to tell us about Kayla Anne, we'd love to hear about her. Take care.

jeggink

12-01-2006, 05:33 PM

Thanks ladies. I have tried cabbage leaves but it doesn't really seem to be helping much. Right now I am just staying in my sports bra all day and just keeing everything tight and just taking motrin. I am leaking a little, but not horribly. I figure another 2-3 days and hopefully the worst will have passed.

I have borrowed the book Empty cradle, broken heart by Deborah Davis and hope that will help a bit. I am still in denial that this all ever happened. Sometimes I almost even feel her kick, even though it's just gas. Everytime I remember that she isn't with me I dissolve into tears.

We will be picking up Kaylas ashes on Monday and saving them for the spring around her due date for a special release between DH and I at a location of our choosing.

I have the next 5 weeks off on short term disability so we shall see how that goes. I am nervous about being home alone all day by myself, even though there is a ton to do around here once I am fully healed.

chloechloe

12-01-2006, 06:55 PM

I don't want to intrude....but was wondering if you ladies could give me advice. My friend just emailed me, and her sister in law had a stillborn baby girl last weekend. Now her sister in law is in ICU with life threatening problems of her own. Her SIL needs a liver transplant, had HELLP, pre eclampsia, and fatty liver of pregnancy syndrome. (Due to a disablilty it is difficult to chat on the phone with this friend.) What can I do? Do I send a sympathy card? Do I send flowers? (She lives out of town....too far to drive)....Thanks for the advice...sorry to intrude...

Ericka_Jarett

12-01-2006, 07:51 PM

Send the family a card but avoid the flowers. They die and with all that is going on, wouldn't be take care of most likely, nor enjoyed.

jennylou

12-01-2006, 08:34 PM

jeggink - Those kicks you're feeling I've heard referred to as phantom kicks. They aren't uncommon in folks who've lost a baby. Actually, they say everyone gets them, it's just the unlucky folks who lose a baby actually tend to pay more attention to their bellies and notice them, whereas, when you have a healthy newborn, you're too busy taking care of them to pay attention. I had tons of these after Andrew was born. Only once have I experienced it after Nora was born. I stayed home for seven weeks after Andrew passed. My DH stayed with me during the second week (first week was all the funeral and craziness with relatives in town). After that I was on my own. At first it was very lonely. After awhile, it was sort of nice. I kept the house clean and I wasn't pressured with time - if I was having a rough morning, I didn't have to leave right away. I tried to leave the house at least once a day though - even if it was for dinner after DH got home - I just felt that I needed to keep moving

chloe - If you want to send more than a card -send food.

sophiapb

12-01-2006, 09:28 PM

Oh jeggink, I wrote up a huge post for you but got logged out and lost it all. Aaargh! My carpal tunnel is miserable right now so I can't redo the entire post but I wanted to agree with Jenny about the kicks. I had them for months afterwards and figured it was just my uterus and muscles going back to their pre-pregnancy positions. However, even though my brain said it was the muscles contracting, my heart said it was Alexander stopping by to check in on me. Alexander was a BIG kicker with lots of movement. Not feeling his kicks was what made me go to the hospital where we were told his heart had stopped. Having the phantom kicks in the months after the delivery made me feel like he came back to visit me, giving me back some happy memories. I loved feeling those phantom kicks. It sort of kept him alive for me, in the way that I remembered him. Not as the small still silent baby that we met in the hospital for the first time but as the crazy bump who liked to jab, poke and kick me from within. Silly kid. :)

jeggink

12-02-2006, 08:48 AM

chloechloe Having just gone through this, I can say that receiving cards has been very special to me, I put them in Kaylas memory box. In addition people have offered food cards and food in general and that has been great as well. I didn't want flowers personally, to cheerful for me, they remind me of happier times. I hope your friends SIL pulls through.

sophiapb Thanks. My Kayla was a huge kicker as well, I already felt her at 12 weeks, so I have been feeling it for quite a while. Before we lost her, I felt a couple on the outside as well, she was strong. In the mornings and at night I would lay in bed, put my hand on my tummy and just enjoy the kicking. I still find myself doing that sometimes and it's so depressing as I have to remind myself she isn't there anymore. I like the part where you said it was your baby coming back to check on you, thank you.

Jennylou Thanks, I do remember them after having Joseph and how much I missed it then as well. You get so used to having this small child inside of you. Thank you for your perspective on staying home so long, that really helps a lot!

I am forcing myself to slow down again. I have started to pick up the pace here at home already yesterday and that wasn't a good idea. The cramping came back and the bleeding got worse again. Guess I was doing a bit to much. My BB's are getting a bit softer this morning so hopefully another few days and the worst will have passed. All I am doing is just wearing a sports bra at this point.

Lisa

12-02-2006, 09:10 AM

jeggink, I'm sorry for your loss and that you are joining us but all these ladies are great and comforting.
We still have Lauryn's ashes. I picked out a pink urn and I have it along with a picture and her favorite stuffed animal on my book shelf. I think it scares some people but I just wanted her with us and with us maybe, possiblity moving out of state, I couldnt stand to leave her here. I do think maybe one day we might scatter them, That sounds peaceful to me.

Chloe, I send a card and maybe food,. I agree about the flowers. With all that is going on it be tough taking care of them.

Well we are leaving for our cruise in a few hours!! So excited and we will be tell our families about the baby tonight. I'm a little nervous and excited! Have a great weekend and week!

jeggink

12-04-2006, 06:29 AM

Lisa DH actually had the great idea about the ashes. They have a family plot in a cemetary where his grandparents and the two kids they lost are buried there. We are going to sprinkle her ashes there so she will be with family.

Today is 1 week, sigh. At 6:05 tonight she was born. It is going to be a rough day :(.

jennylou

12-04-2006, 06:37 AM

jeggink - that sounds like a great thing to do. Andrew was buried in a line of family plots and it does make me feel better to think he's with family. I hope today is gentle on you. I know I used to dread Sunday's for the longest time.

Kimmiebride

12-05-2006, 08:28 AM

Judi, just dropping by to say I hope yesterday wasn't too rough on you. Those milestones are just so hard. When I lost Robert, I used to still look at my pregnancy ticker, and read ahead about what development stage I should have been at, and it just hurt so deeply. The Thursdays were hard, and then the 24ths were hard, and now it's just so hard when I read about others feeling the same pain. Please take care sweetie...
Kimmie

ali_ohli

12-05-2006, 08:43 AM

Well, never in my worst dreams did I imagine I'd be joining you strong women, but here I am. We lost our daughter at 22 weeks on Sunday morning, ultimately due to an infection of the amniotic fluid. The doctors believe I may have cervical incompetence, which could have led me to dilate and opened me up to infection, but it's not really a clear-cut case of anything. It's heartbreaking to me that our little girl was perfect, but that my body failed her. I still can't believe I'm no longer pregnant.

I'm struggling with so many emotions right now, and I know you all know exactly what I'm going through. It is amazing how incredibly giving and caring some people have been to us, and how uncaring others seem. But I can't begrudge anyone for not understanding our pain.

I look forward to sharing the grieving and healing process with this group. I'm so sorry that any of us have had to know this experience.

jennylou

12-05-2006, 08:48 AM

ali - I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find this group supportive for you. I am glad that you have some caring people in your life, lean on those ones and ignore the uncaring ones.

Ericka_Jarett

12-05-2006, 09:18 AM

ali - I am so sorry you lost your daughter. We talked on the cerclage board some. Feel free to vent, cry as you need, we all understand. Hugs to you

ali_ohli

12-05-2006, 10:14 AM

Jenny and Ericka, thank you.

One of the things I'm struggling with is: what am I now? A week ago I was a pregnant woman on the path to motherhood. We were prepared for our lives to change forever. Now, suddenly, our lives have reverted. I gave birth, yet there is no baby. We are not parents. I just can't make sense of it.

Ericka_Jarett

12-05-2006, 10:25 AM

Your a mommy who is unfortunately grieving your daughter. Make sure you grieve and cry when you need to, it will help you. Remember the good times in your pregnancy, they will comfort you. Your little girl has our little ones to play with, so she is not alone. Hope this time is gentle to you. Feel free to pm me if you want.

LDS Angel 19

12-05-2006, 10:40 AM

Ali I so sorry you had to join us.

but it's not really a clear-cut case of anything. It's heartbreaking to me that our little girl was perfect, but that my body failed her

Our losses sound somewhat similar, and the feeling of guilt, that my I/my body could have possibly failed (I even used the word 'killed' at one point...) my daughter so badly hurt so so much, for a long time. After awhile I learned that there truly was nothing I could have done wrong, or any way I could have changed what happend. Only after I realized that could I start to heal.
So that's part of my point, don't try to 'rush' your emotions or your healing. Feel things as they come, and deal with everything one day or one hour at a time.

Also, you are still a mother, we all are. You carried your daughter, you gave birth to her, and most of all you loved her, and always will. There has been much debate (here and elsewhere) about what makes one a parent, (And this may sound corny but it's true...) but we all have children, even if they aren't here anymore. They are still ours, and no one can ever take them from our hearts.
Despite all of that, I understand how you're feeling, about your life reverting. I felt like that for a long time. We got so close, and then took 20 steps back. And it's really hard to pick up the pieces and go on again, but sometimes you have no choice.

Sorry this turned into a bit of a novel, and I just hope something I have said is somehow helpful. Now that I'm bawling at my desk, I think I'll stop typing for awhile. I know we've all said it a million times, but this all really is so unfair.

jenahdawn

12-05-2006, 02:10 PM

We are not parents.

Again, to emphasize, yes, you are. You carried your daughter, you loved her and nurtured her.

Otherwise, there are no magic words any of us can say to make your hurt go away, though I wish there were.

Kimmiebride

12-05-2006, 02:43 PM

I can't think of any better words to say that what Michelle, Ericka and Jenah posted. I am crying at my desk too, and thinking of all our little ones in their snow suits playing on a cold and blustery day. A new little girl has arrived, and they all gather round her and hug her and make her feel welcome. Pretty soon someone will call them in for hot chocolate and all sorts of magical treats. They watch their mommies, and they cry when their mommies cry, and try to hug them and let them know that they are ok. Sometimes they send down another little sparkle of a miracle, and they know that even when their mommies and daddies love the rainbow baby, they will never stop loving them, and they will never forget the brief times they shared. The hurt never goes away, but thankfully it will get better. Take all the time you need, and don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to feel, just take it as it comes. It also was helpful for me to know that men grieve differently than we do, but it doesn't mean it's not as deep. I had to let my DH have the space to get through it, and we have only become stronger as a result of our son and how much we love him.
sniff,
Kimmie

jennylou

12-05-2006, 02:48 PM

jenahdawn

12-05-2006, 03:06 PM

As I have said, this is a club NO ONE wants to join. The application process sucks and there are no benefits. But those of us who are already members will welcome anyone who has to join with open arms.

And, once you are part of this group, you are never NOT a part....

Astro

12-05-2006, 03:17 PM

ali_ohli I think all the other responses have said it so well. You are parents. You nurtured and loved your little girl. You'll always love her and remember her. I truly believe my DH and I are parents of our two boys, but I also realize most people don't understand that. I don't tell most people in real life that I am a mom because it leads to a lot of awkward questions.

It's interesting, I started working with a different group after losing our boys, so most of them didn't know what we went through. Over the past year as people have talked about family and children, I'll join in and talk about our boys. Most people now know that we had two boys who were still-born. Those that haven't asked are just confused as they know I was pregnant and gave birth to two boys, but they also know we don't have any kids living in our home.

My In-Laws this past year were very kind. They sent me a Mother's Day card and DH a Father's Day card. They put in the cards that they were thinking about us. My DH's Grandmother sent me a note on Mother's Day. She said eventhough Alex and Ryan are no longer with us, we are still their parents. That meant so much to me to get those cards and that note. She explained in the note how one of her babies was stillborn, and she still thinks of him often. She will always be his Mommy.

Sorry for the ramble. My belief is you and your DH are parents. One thing to remember is this is your journey and you two will decide what is right for the both of you. People will offer all kinds of advise and opinions. Do what you want with it. If it feels right to you, good. If not, then discard it! There is no one right way to deal with any of this. There is only the way that you and your DH feel is best for you.

goldengbridge

12-05-2006, 03:20 PM

Kimmie- What you wrote was beautiful, thank you for that. Sniff, sniff!

Ali- I wanted to say that I am very sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. Someone told me you never get over this, you only get through it. It's been 8months since I lost Jacob and I'm finding that to be the case. Please lean on us if you need to.

ali_ohli

12-06-2006, 04:11 PM

Thank you all for your beautiful and comforting thoughts. I know that none of us wants to be a part of this group, but I'm so glad to be connecting with women who know exactly how this feels.

Astro touched on going back to work; I'm curious how it was for others. For some reason, work seems like the absolute biggest hurdle right now. I was pregnant when I took the job and will always associate it with my pregnancy. I work with wonderful people, who I know will be very sensitive, but I dread the sad looks and comments and the thought of people feeling sorry for me. I don't know if that's a weird reaction or not, but it's where I am at the moment.

And a physical question for you all, particularly for those whose tragedies happened around the same number of weeks as mine (22): How long and how much did you bleed after your delivery? I'm still going pretty strong, four days later.

Ericka_Jarett

12-06-2006, 04:38 PM

I was out of work a month. When I returned no one made me feel odd about being back. They just said it was nice to have me back and left it at that. I was emailing the CFO and letting her know when I would be back, so not sure if she let everyone know or not, so maybe that was why I didn't get asked questions or not, since they all knew about our loss and even signed a card for us.

As far as bleeding, I bleed almost 3 weeks was heavy about a week or little less. We were going away on a trip and I asked about the hot tub, was told as long as the bleeding stopped I could go in, it stopped 2 days before the trip.

LDS Angel 19

12-06-2006, 04:47 PM

Allison was born on a Friday, I went back to work the following Thursday. I had no idea at the time how huge a mistake that was. I was still numb and in shock. I had to quit work all together 6 months later to take time to deal with my grief.

I bleed for a little over two weeks, only heavy the first few days, and then spotted for what felt like forever.

jeggink

12-06-2006, 05:06 PM

ali_ohli I just want to say again how sorry I am for your loss. I am now 1w2d past Kaylas birth and I am still bleeding, on and off heavy. I did have a partial D&C after as I had retained some placenta, so it may be different. I am still passing some small clots and when I do the bleeding gets heavier. I would say it's either light like spotting or medium to heavy. My dr told me that I would probably bleed for 2 weeks and then spot a couple of weeks. I am out of work for 6 weeks and although I was nervous about it in the beginning, I am glad I am now. I also am worried about the pittying looks from co-workers, it is not something I want to see. I can understand them, but it's hard.

Kimmiebride

12-06-2006, 05:18 PM

Work - Lucky for me, I work for myself as a photographer, so I really was able to ease back in. I did my first session in January (my loss was late november) and I met with clients the week after I lost him - they were very sweet, and I told them I wanted to get them their proofs before the holidays, and I really did want to see them. My clients and fellow photographers were such a huge support. I never dreamed they would be so amazing. Cards, flowers, food, books, CDs and some things from people I had never even met, but knew from my photography association. It helped immensely to have that outpouring of love...

Physical (loss at almost 19 weeks) - I bled a lot in the first few days, and passed many clots, some up to 4cm, which was awful. I had a bit of placenta that was retained, and once that passed, the bleeding slowed considerably. It was like a heavy period after that for a week or so, and then I ended up back in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung, and then all hell broke loose even further. The other stuff was almost as hard as losing Robert, and my poor husband had to face losing his son and then almost losing me.

Take your time, and if you do go back, and then you realize you need more time, just make it happen. People will understand. I know what you mean about not wanting the pity though. People just don't know what to say, and as you have already seen, sometimes they just say the wrong things. It sucks.
Kimmie

Sully130

12-07-2006, 06:09 AM

Only have a moment, will see if I can type fast.

Ali_ohli - I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lurk on the High Risk thread and I followed your story a little bit. You had such a wonderful attitude about bedrest (I spent 20 weeks on it myself) and I really thought you were going to make it. I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

I lost my daughter around 23 weeks. I struggled with the same issues (am I a parent?) and frankly, I still do. It's hard to reconcile because you don't have a baby in your arms. You spent all that time pregnant and preparing and then in a moment it is gone. And people around you don't know what to do. My parents lost a child when she was 13 days old. My mom told me right away to expect that many people would say nothing. That had been their experience. Losing a child is so horrific that people just can comprehend it. ANd so, they say nothing because they don't know what to say. And she was right. One of my best friends was acting strange every time we spoke after my DD died. We'd have these really short conversations. Finally she called and said, "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say to you." We both cried and I told her it was okay, that I knew it was hard, and I all I needed from her was for her to say she was sorry, that it was awful...and to listen. Things were much better from then on. But some of my closest friends kept their distance.

What someone else said here is so true...this is not a grief you will ever get over. You just have to find a way to get through it. It's a day-by-day process. It's a journey. Grief has many stages and you just have to allow yourself to go through them all. You may find that your DH handles it differently and it's okay. The nurses at the hospital cautioned me of this before I checked out. It was wonderful advice. I wanted to stay home and cry and remember every second, he wanted to get out and try to forget.

You are a mom. You did everything you possibly could do to save your daughter, but sadly and for reasons I will never understand, it wasn't enough. I don't know why these things have to happen and I never will. But it doesn't make you any less of a parent.

As for the bleeding, I think I'm a freak case. THe docs told me it could last for up to eight weeks and sure enough, it did. It was so awful to be reminded every day of my loss in such a awful manner. Mostly it was light, but in the first few weeks I did find if I did too much it would get heavier. So take it easy. Let your body heal.

Must run.... Just wanted to say I'm sorry. Take care of yourself.

goldengbridge

12-07-2006, 06:17 AM

Ali- I don't really have any advice on the work situation since I'm a SAHM. But one thing the therapist I've been seeing told me from the beginning was to experience all the feelings when they arise instead of pushing them back down to deal with them later. That really has helped me thus far.

I lost my Jacob was 18w 4 d and I bled for 3-4 weeks I beleive. It slowed down tremendously after the first 2 weeks and then it became really light after that.

I'm sending you lots of thoughts and prayers.

ali_ohli

12-07-2006, 02:46 PM

Thank you all for your continuing words of support. Work told me today to take care of myself and not worry about it. It's good to know they'll be supportive about me coming back when I'm ready.

The bleeding is still pretty heavy today, but sounds like it's normal. Another physical question: How long did the engorgement last? I'm going on 48 hours...it's not unbearable with a sports bra on, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Just curious because the nurses said it would last 24 hours, tops.

Obviously I'm not enjoying the pain and discomfort, but there's a part of me that's not ready for this stuff to go away, as it will signal the end of the pregnancy. ((huge sigh)) :( :( :(

I wanted to stay home and cry and remember every second, he wanted to get out and try to forget.

We just had this conversation. DH was just saying that he wants to go out for some beers with friends tonight -- that he feels it will help him -- and I was saying that I can't imagine being in a social situation right now. I'm scared that if I laugh or am happy that I'll somehow be dishonoring what happened to my daughter. I know that this will fade eventually, but it's where I am at the moment. And I don't begrudge DH for feeling differently.

jenahdawn

12-07-2006, 03:38 PM

I bled for about 4 weeks, got my first period 8 weeks after having the girls, and I am due within the next week or so, I figure.

My milk came in 5 days after and it stopped after a week and a half. (Which saddened me again) The (bad) pain and engorgement lasted about 3 or 4 days, if I remember.

I'm scared that if I laugh or am happy that I'll somehow be dishonoring what happened to my daughter.

Look at it this way (as soon as my husband told this to me, I began to ponder it and I struggle with the guilt daily): Your baby girl wouldn't want you to feel guilty. She WANTS you to smile and laugh. She knows it won't happen a lot yet, but eventually she wants you to remember her and...sort of...smile.

Sully130

12-07-2006, 07:09 PM

Ali - I went back and checked my LJ and looks like I had the same experience as jenahdawn in terms of my milk coming in. Just keep yourself bound tightly and don't let the warm water in the shower hit you on your breasts.

I also totally agree with jenahdawn on being happy. I think it took me a while to realize that...but your daughter would want you to be happy. You have to keep going for her. Live the life that she won't get.

But I remember that. I didn't want to be or act "normal" because I felt like it wasn't right to her. All I can promise is that it will get easier.

but there's a part of me that's not ready for this stuff to go away, as it will signal the end of the pregnancy.
In looking at my old LJ entries I realized I wrote many of the same things. When I fit in one of my pre-pregnancy pair of pants, I cried. And I wrote: "Even my body is acting like nothing ever happened." and "I just don't want to not be pregnant anymore."

It's so hard letting go, isn't it?

LDS Angel 19

12-07-2006, 07:17 PM

I just wanted to echo some of the things Sully said. I remember complaining when I had to start wearing a belt to hold up most of my pants. It was SO depressing!

ali_ohli

12-07-2006, 07:39 PM

When I fit in one of my pre-pregnancy pair of pants, I cried.

I am absolutely dreading this. I miss my little belly so much. :(

jennylou

12-07-2006, 08:03 PM

I hated not being pregnant anymore. I went from a full term belly to just my regular fat in no time at all, and it was sad. Then my sil got pregnant, and while I was thrilled for them (they'd been trying for 2.5 years), it was, at times, sad for me to watch her expanding waist line. So, I threw myself into a weightloss routine. I'm the type who needs a focus, especially when I'm in the middle of grief (when I lost my Grandma I sort of just moped around for a few months). So, after I lost Andrew, I started the SBD, then I started ttc again right away - I just needed something else to focus on or I would feel overwhelmed. Plus, if I was going to be going into a smaller size, I wanted to treat it like a victory, as opposed to another reminder, kwim?

sully made some awesome points above.

Kimmiebride

12-07-2006, 10:01 PM

I remember hating it when I could sleep on my stomach again. So lonely without my belly buddy...
Kimmie

Ericka_Jarett

12-07-2006, 10:10 PM

I agree Kimmie, hated that so much.

Took me weeks to finally pack up the maternity clothes, put the body pillow away about 3 days after delivery and hubby asked me if I was ready for that already. (It was sitting next to the bed) I put her clothes away after about 2-3 weeks, I broke down while doing it and cried whenever I saw them up in the closet for a few months. I didn't touch her baby box until almost a year later (only had a hospital bracelet and blanket she never even was covered with in it)

jeggink

12-08-2006, 06:48 AM

ali_ohli I have been fitting into some of my older pants since a few days after and it was a horrible feeling. I am now fitting into most of my pre-pg clothes and have put away my pg clothing for next time. It was a horrible feeling and I cried while doing it. sigh. I was engorged about 2-3 days and then it subsided over the next 2 days. I still have milk, but am not engorged. I figure it will take a month or so for the milk to go away completely.

My DH is also acting differently than I am. He even told me it was that he hadn't created a bond yet like I did since she was in me. BUt he is grieving all the same and we talk about it and I can see the stress on him.

We finally got Kayla back on Wednesday, bittersweet. I am glad she is finally home with us. She was cremated a week after she passed, too long in my opinion, but they had to get the death certificate straightened out. We also ordered a memory box with Kayla's name on it from Things Remembered. I was supposed to pick it up Tues, but with the car problems we are having, we just haven't been able to. Hopefully tomorrow. I also have to get her a box to rest in untill we spread her ashes, so I need to find something for that. I didn't like anything at the funeral home and they just put her in a plastic white box. I just want to get Kayla settled.

sophiapb

12-08-2006, 02:34 PM

~Cross posted from June 05 Mommies and Infant Loss Support Thread~

Our December surprise arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!

My water broke 1:30 AM on Monday December 4 and we were off to the hospital. After some dilly-dallying (details later) I was prepped for a c-section.

At 10:49 AM, Elizabeth "Elise" Zoe was born weighing 5 lbs, 15 ozs and measuring 18 1/2 inches.

At 10:51 AM, Corinne Victoria was born weighing 6 lbs, 6 ozs and measuring 19 inches.

Ummm, SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :o

Okay, so I didn't tell the whole truth about my pregnancy but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. DH and I were so afraid the entire pregnancy and I just couldn't believe that I would ever be able to walk out of the hospital with two living babies but we did it! I'm not embarrassed to say that DH and I were both sobbing in the delivery room when we heard the two healthy cries. It was the best feeling in the world.
I'll be back later with the birth story and photos. I just came back from the hospital an hour ago and am still trying to catch up on some things.

LDS Angel 19

12-08-2006, 02:38 PM

OH MY GOSH SOPHIA!!!!!!!!!!

How the heck did you hold out on us that long?? ;) I am so so so so happy for you and your DH! Can't wait to see some pics!

sophiapb

12-08-2006, 02:52 PM

Oh crap! I'm an insensitive lugnut. I didn't realize that we had a new member. Sorry, both for having you here as a new member and for not taking the time to read updates before jumping in with news. :o
I'll be back later.

Ericka_Jarett

12-08-2006, 04:07 PM

Sophia - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe you held out on us, this is great news

jennylou

12-08-2006, 04:17 PM

OMG Sophia! Double congrats on your very special blessings. :D:D

Kimmiebride

12-08-2006, 05:34 PM

Sophia!!!!! I can't believe you had two!!!! Glad they arrived safe and sound. You are a really good secret keeper...
hugs,
Kimmie

Lisa

12-10-2006, 06:26 AM

Sophia, Congratulations!!!

Well on Saturday we told our parents about little bean which also happened to be Lauryn's 5 months. Its so hard to believe its been 5 months. I hung her stocking and I love looking at it but man I miss her so much. My DS mentioned on our vacation a few days ago to a stranger how he bought his sister a pink butterfly and of course she asked how old and where she was... so I told her she died in July and I almost couldnt finish the sentence I got all choked up. Sometimes I can get through telling people and other times I just cry. I've been getting in these horrible moods I dont know if its the hormones or just me grieving. but its so different to think I'm pregnant again and I dont know if this one will be healthy and that terrifies me. I try not thinking about it. Sorry for being a bit of a downer.... Have a great weekend!

ali_ohli

12-10-2006, 09:46 AM

Oh my goodness, Sophia, congratulations! I've been reading through this group's first thread, so I know how terrifying a second twin pregnancy must have been for you. I'm just thrilled for you!!

***

Today is the one-week anniversary of our little girl's passing. I honestly can't believe we made it through. I think we've been very good about allowing ourselves to grieve, and little by little, it's getting easier. But there is such a hole in my heart. I expect it will be there forever.

The engorgement is *finally* getting better; apparently my body decided to go to the extreme, because it lasted a solid five days. Yowch. As DH said, at least we know I'm capable of breast feeding. :rolleyes:

I spent last night reading through your entire first thread and it was so incredibly therapeutic. It's so comforting to read through all your thoughts and feelings -- exactly the same things I'm experiencing -- and then watch as your rainbow-baby stories unfold.

We're looking forward to becoming pregnant again as soon as our doctor will allow it, not because it could possibly replace the little girl we lost, but because it's the path we want to be on and this experience hasn't changed that. We got pregnant quickly with our little girl, and both felt somewhat ambivalent about it in the beginning. Well, if nothing else, this awful ordeal has made it crystal clear what a gift pregnancy is, and just how much we want a child in our lives.

But man, I'm already dreading every second of a new pregnancy, if we should be so blessed again. I can't imagine how I'll keep myself sane. I hate that our future little ones (god willing) won't be greeted with the same joyful anticipation this one received. You've all said it before, but it's so true: This loss has obliterated our ability to know the innocent happiness of pregnancy. Sigh.

On a separate note, it's amazing to us how incredibly generous and giving some people have been to us in the past week, and how ignored we've been by others. It's really surprising to see who falls on which list -- some of my best friends have been very distant, which hurts. I have to keep reminding myself that few people really know what to do or say in this situation. I also think a lot of people assume this was "just" a miscarriage and don't totally get why we're so devastated. My mom told me that her friends were shocked to hear I actually went through L&D and was able to hold our child. I guess it's just evidence that we here are part of an "elite" club -- that fortunately, not many women go through this.

Lisa

12-10-2006, 09:57 AM

jennylou

12-10-2006, 10:03 AM

On a separate note, it's amazing to us how incredibly generous and giving some people have been to us in the past week, and how ignored we've been by others. It's really surprising to see who falls on which list -- some of my best friends have been very distant, which hurts. I have to keep reminding myself that few people really know what to do or say in this situation. I also think a lot of people assume this was "just" a miscarriage and don't totally get why we're so devastated. My mom told me that her friends were shocked to hear I actually went through L&D and was able to hold our child. I guess it's just evidence that we here are part of an "elite" club -- that fortunately, not many women go through this.

Yeah, this surprised us as well. Some of my friendships have been strengthened, while with others, we are now more distant. The people who were best to us were my DHs Aunt and Uncle and their two adult children. They lost a son when he was a teenager. Even though DHs cousins didn't experience the loss of a child, they experienced a loss of a brother, and I think that they saw what their parents went through and b/c of that, they were very compassionate. DHs Aunt was very good, in a quiet sort of way - she went and stocked our house with groceries - things we needed but had no desire to do ourselves. Others were very good as well, but they sort of got it.

Sully130

12-10-2006, 10:05 AM

SOPHIA! Congrats!!! I'm so happy for you. I understand why you kept the secret, but wow! Twins again! And now they both came home. I'm so very, very happy!

Lisa - It's hard not to be terrified, but you'll get there. This new baby will never replace your sweet girl, but he/she'll help fill that empty space in your heart. ANd yes, hormones can drive you crazy!

Ali - That's a big milestone, making it through the first week. Now on to the next. You can do this. We tried as soon as we were given the go ahead (two cycles...three months). It was scary but I just didn't want the loss to define me. I didn't want it to ruin my life by making me afraid to try again. I guess it was the control freak in me, but I felt so out of control when I lost my daughter that I just needed to be in control again. Of course my pregnancy ended up being super complicated (so I was out of control yet again), but it all worked out in the end.

It is hard to feel excited (in an innocent and true way) about a pregnancy after such a great loss. But for me I really had to try as hard as I could to try to muster some joy. I asked my friends to help me in doing that because I felt like the baby deserved it. I know it's hard, but you'll be surprised how happy you'll be. Scared, yes...but thrilled nonetheless (even if it's a bit guarded).

I'm glad to hear some of your friends have been very supportive. As for the others, don't take it personally. They just don't know any better.

Ericka_Jarett

12-10-2006, 10:11 AM

ali - know what you mean about your mom's friends being shocked. When I tell people I held Rebekah from soon after birth until around 4pm the next day, they are shocked and tell me how they were not able to do that. My mom was surprised when she came to visit me the day after I had her to see her in the room and that she got to hold her granddaughter although she was passed already. It really brought me closure, all though I still remember the birth and that day like it was just yesterday and it was actually a year and 7 months ago.

ali_ohli

12-10-2006, 10:47 AM

It was scary but I just didn't want the loss to define me. I didn't want it to ruin my life by making me afraid to try again. I guess it was the control freak in me, but I felt so out of control when I lost my daughter that I just needed to be in control again.

This is *exactly* how we feel.

ali_ohli

12-10-2006, 05:59 PM

Okay, I just finished reading through the entire first and second threads, and I just want to say that I feel like we're all best friends now! (Even though you all barely know me.) The point is, thank you all for being so beautifully honest with your emotions through the difficult times you've been through -- your words have provided such immense comfort to me.

LDS Angel 19

12-11-2006, 07:02 AM

[/b]Lisa[/b] I know what you're saying. It's still hard for me to share what happend sometimes, espically with random people that I've just met.

Ali

We got pregnant quickly with our little girl, and both felt somewhat ambivalent about it in the beginning. Well, if nothing else, this awful ordeal has made it crystal clear what a gift pregnancy is, and just how much we want a child in our lives.

That was us too. We wern't even trying when we got pregnant the first time, and I don't really think we appreciated it as much as we should have.

I'm really glad that our words have comforted you. This group has brought me so much comfort these past 18 months. (Gosh, sometimes I can't believe it's been that long....) We really are like a little family here.

~~~~~~~

Had kind of a tough weekend. We went to the cemetary Saturday. The one good thing was that they actually had grave blankets small enough at the florist we went to. They didn't last year. We got a perfect one with a pink ribbon so that made me happy. While we were there I was talking with DH about our 'new normal', how bringing things to our daughter at the cemetary is a normal part of our life now and how strange that really is.

Ericka_Jarett

12-11-2006, 07:20 AM

Michelle - totally understand about the normal part. When we lived in NJ, the cemetary was on the way home from church, so every Sunday we stopped, sometimes to put flowers on Rebekah's and my dad's graves or just to do a stop by. Now we live 1 1/2 hours so it's not such a normal part of our week anymore.

Glad they had tiny grave blankets. I made Rebekah's wreath last year and this year, only place that had a small enough wreath is the Dollar Tree, the craft stores only have big ones. Told hubby last year, I don't want to put a wreath out that was bigger than she was (11.5") Last year I had pink berries, pink ribbon and crystal looking bears. This year it's red and white berries, 2 poinsetta flowers and a beanie baby Bear in mixed colors.

ali_ohli

12-12-2006, 10:33 AM

Ericka and Michelle, I think it's beautiful that you are honoring your daughters in this way. In the haze of our ordeal, we declined a private burial and allowed the hospital to bury our daughter. Now I'm struggling with the fact that her body is out there somewhere and we'll never know where. (What a terribly sad sentence that is -- I can't believe this is my reality now.) We are now pondering how we'll memorialize her.

Here's something that kept me up all last night. Did anyone else have a really unclear diagnosis for what happened to your pregnancy? I so desperately want to have hope for our future, but I have such intense fear that my body is simply broken.

My pregnancy was seemingly screwed up and unusual in every way possible: I had bleeding through the entire first trimester. I had contractions beginning at 17 weeks. I was dilated to 1.5 cm at 20 weeks. I developed an infection at 22 weeks. It's not a clear-cut case of anything, which is so frustrating. I was accused of playing "stump the doctors." Sigh.

On top of all this, I found out I had an extremely rare condition called vasa previa (where the cord is not inserted properly into the placenta and there are arteries running across the cervix), which means our daughter would probably have bled to death immediatly upon birth even if everything else had gone right. It's like she was doomed in every possible way.

Anyway, I'm just curious if you all have found answers as time has gone on, and what your doctors have done differently to prevent another tragedy. I want to be careful of rushing into another pregnancy before we've been dilligent about investigating what happened to this one.

Kimmiebride

12-12-2006, 11:03 AM

I am one of the lucky ones, where we know the reason, even if we don't know exactly why. My water broke after the amnio, so this time we didn't do an amnio. Probably never would have happened again, but we wanted to take any risk we could out of the equation. We did the first trimester screening, and the results were very good (especially for my age, 41) then we did the MS-AFP and the Level II u/s a little earlier than the usual 20 weeks. If we had seen something there that warranted the amnio (last time we got it because the baby did have club feet, but no chromosomal abnormalities in the amnio results as they thought might be the case) we would have strongly considered having an amnio again. I also had a big bleed in my last pregnancy, which may have contributed to my weakend membranes, and my fluid was brown rather than the usual light yellow. This pregnancy I have been seen by the perinatologists since 3w6d, and have been monitored very closely, especially since it was determined after last time that I have two genetic clotting disorders that cause my body to react in a bad way when pregnant! Since that diagnosis, I have been on 4g per day of Folic acid, which in turn probabaly helped with the birth defect that we had in our first son (club feet). I am very lucky that my team of doctors lets me call whenever I start to freak out, and they always fit me in to calm me down. I have a nurse I can call 24-7, and another one that I can call during business hours, which helps. I would definitely let them know if you want and need this kind of TLC... if I had my friend's doctor, I would definitely be a basket case. They never get back to her right away, make her wait like an hour before every appointment, and when she had bleeding and went to the ER, her doc took a really long time to call her, and then said she could go to the ER, but if she was miscarrying, there was nothing they could do... I know, the truth, but not the thing to say on the phone to your hysterical patient...
Good luck Ali, and as scary as it can be, the odds are so in your favor to have a better outcome the next time.
Kimmie

Astro

12-12-2006, 11:04 AM

ali_ohli I hear you on wanting to know what happened to help prevent it from happening again. We're in the same boat. I experienced a fair amount of bleeding in the first trimester, then it progressed to spotting. I had a lot of pains at about 15 weeks 5 days, so we went to see a specialist on 15 weeks 6 days. We got lots of ultrasounds that day. The specialist said not to worry because in 99.5% of pregnancies like ours everything turns out fine. Our two boys were moving around and everything appeared fine. We lost them at 16 weeks 1 day. Alex was born at home, Ryan was born at the hospital. It was all so sudden and frightening. I had no idea I was in labor until Alex arrived. Our "diagnosis" is that one of the placentas probably wasn't attached well. It was probably attached over a hematoma from the bleeding early on, and the placenta probably just became unstuck. Isn't that a nice technical diagnosis? There's nothing we can do differently, except the Dr's have me on baby aspirin, but my bloodwork didn't show any clotting problems. The thing that's getting so frustrating now is how easy it was to get pregnant with the boys. Easy is probably the wrong term, but we got pregnant on our first IVF attemp. Since losing the boys we've had three other attempts, yet we're still not pregnant. I'm beyond frustrated with trying to get pregnant and trying to stay pregnant. I realize there's really no science involved, since we've done everything right, yet not ended up with the expected outcome. We'll continue to try and do a few more rounds of IVF, but there's no guarantees. A friend actually said something that helped me. They reminded me there are no guarantees. That's helped me accept some of what we've gone through, but I know if we get pregnant again I'll be a nervous wreck. I say if, my DH says when. Sorry for the long ramble, but I wanted you to know you aren't the only one without an official explanation or reason.

jenahdawn

12-12-2006, 02:25 PM

"situational"

That's what we have been told now. Actually, some of it seems pretty similar to Astro.....bleeding (hematoma), placenta may not have been attatched well....(we found out later that part of the placenta had necrosis...died)...both girls were doing great. No clotting disorder. Super easy getting pregnant with them....I was basically told that the bleeding coupled with the fact there were two of them was what made it happen. And that it (99% chance) won't happen again....unless the situations, which won't happen again, at least with two babies, are the same.

But....answers (or something similar to them) aren't always comforting.

I just wish I could garauntee that next time everything would work out...

LDS Angel 19

12-13-2006, 04:50 PM

We don't have any real answers. We have two posibilities. It was either my cervix, or I just starte having contractions for no reason. Luckily both those things are pretty treatable if caught in time, so they will be watching me much closer this time. That gives me comfort, but even with an ultrasound every single day I would still worry the rest of the day.

Quick update on me, had our second appointment today. Everything looks just fine. I was shocked to learn that at our first u/s two weeks ago, they actually saw THREE sacs. But one is not growing at all and is still empty now while the other two have babies with heartbeats. I have mixed emotions. We (almost) had triplets. I'm sad, but also relieved. And really grateful for the two that we do have.

ali_ohli

12-13-2006, 06:07 PM

So I'm not the only one with an unclear diagnosis...it certainly doesn't help matters, does it? There was a moment at the hospital when I felt like my pregnancy was a freaking episode of House! (For anyone who doesn't watch that show, it's all about a team of doctors that solves super-rare medical cases. Not exactly the patient you ever want to be!)

LDS I will be interested to see how your doctors handle this pregnancy, because it sounds like our cases are very similar. Will you be getting an elective cerclage? I'm so, so glad everything is going well for you so far. OMG--triplets! Can you imagine???

Astro I'm so sorry your rainbow baby hasn't materialized yet. :( But just like your DH, I *know* it will happen for you. Of course, it's a lot easier to be positive for other people than for yourself -- I am also convinced of the negative right now, that I'll never be able to carry a child to term. I hate being so pessimistic, but I'm just not past it yet.

Jenahdawn
I just wish I could garauntee that next time everything would work out...
I'm so with you, girl. :( It's like we should all get a free pass for next time.

Kimmie (whoops, missed you on the first try!)
Good luck Ali, and as scary as it can be, the odds are so in your favor to have a better outcome the next time.
Thank you, hon. I hope so. I'm so very glad this has been true for you. :)

jeggink

12-17-2006, 12:06 PM

I just wish I could garauntee that next time everything would work out...

I also feel this way. After the 3 m/c this year, I am so scared to be pg again.

I have a quick question, when did most of you get AF back. I am still bleeding, spotting at times and heavy at times. The heavy periods are decreasing, but still there. It's been 3 weeks. I started getting some cramping yesterday and still have it today. I am wondering if I am getting ready to O as it usually is painful for me. Is it possible to O or even get AF while still bleeding? Also, how long did it take before a BM became less painful, still hurts inside a good amount. Thanks ladies!

jenahdawn

12-17-2006, 12:32 PM

I bled for about 4 weeks and af came back 4 weeks later, for 10 days. This time it came back 28 days later, and, day 5, it's just about done.

Kimmiebride

12-17-2006, 12:58 PM

I got my first AF about 4 weeks later, but the next few were not normal as they put me on coumadin for my clots, and the bleeding was really severe. They wanted me to wait until I was off coumadin to try again, but we started trying in May, and got pregnant in July. I was off the coumadin and on the lovenox shots at 3w6d, so they weren't too worried about birth defects from the little time the baby was exposed to the coumadin. For those months of trying my peri made me get blood tests a few days before AF was due so we could find out at the earliest possible moment if I was pregnant to get off the coumadin. Luckily, this probably doesn't apply to anyone else here but me... but thought I'd share just in case.
Kimmie

goldengbridge

12-17-2006, 06:37 PM

Judi- I got AF exactly 4 weeks after I lost Jacob. It seemed like right when I stopped bleeding, AF showed up.

LDS Angel 19

12-18-2006, 06:53 AM

I got AF back after 6 weeks.

So what is everyone doing for the holidays? I can't believe Christmas is a week away. We're just spending time with out families, and I'm mostly ok with that. But gosh it's hard to think about how diffrent things would be.

jenahdawn

12-18-2006, 12:11 PM

We're not doing anything. We don't have decorations up. We aren't going anywhere and no one is coming here. I just need to get past it this year.

jeggink

12-18-2006, 12:22 PM

Thanks ladies for the info. I am not sure if I am O'ing or not, but last night the pain got so bad I had to go to the ER. We were there for 5 hours and after an u/s, pelvic exam and bloodwork, it was determined that it was probably just inflamation. So I got some pain killers and more antibiotics. I also have an appt to see my OB on Wed as well. Really bad and painful evening that I don't want to experience again. My betas were down to 91. This whole process has just been really rough for us and now this on top of it. It's just to much :(. I can barely walk and sit right now the pain is so bad :(. So I am hoping it is just my body gearing up to ovulate and that it will go away in a few days.

Christmas - We are celebtrating with family, but not decorating at all in the house. Doesn't feel right to be celebrating without Kayla.

ali_ohli

12-18-2006, 12:27 PM

We're not doing anything. We don't have decorations up. We aren't going anywhere and no one is coming here. I just need to get past it this year.

TOTALLY in the same boat. We were supposed to celebrate X-mas with DH's extended family of stepsibilings and grandbabies, and NYE with two other pregnant couples. Not really feeling up to either situation now, so we've decided to spend both holidays completely alone. We're actually looking forward to the peace and quiet.

***

I had my postpartum check-up today. We still don't have any answers, but I felt comforted by our OB's optimism that this was a fluke "perfect storm" of problems that are not destined to repeat. We're going to do some testing (ultrasound and HSG) to look at my uterus and rule out any problems with the "architecture," and we'll also have a consultation with the high-risk team, but he basically gave us the go-ahead to start TTC as soon as we feel emotionally ready. (Easier said than done, right?)

Tomorrow I go back to work; I have incredibly supportive coworkers, but in this situation I'd almost prefer they were colder and more unfeeling -- not really looking forward to all the sad looks and "I'm so sorry"s...

Oh, Judi, that SUCKS. I am so sorry you're dealing with physical pain on top of everything else. {{{{hugs}}}}, sister. Stay strong. :(

Spellbound

12-18-2006, 03:02 PM

Spellbound
Me: Jude, 32
DH: Patrick, 33
Married: 09/25/04
DS: Keegan 03/09/06 (born 32 weeks)
Angel baby: 09/14/06 (16 weeks)
Cause: PPROM (pre-term premature rupture of membranes)

I have been following along quietly since September when I experienced the loss of our daughter at 16w. I am finally ready to come out of lurk and introduce myself properly.

My loss occurred at the end of my fourth month with circumstances mimicking those earlier in March with DS - my amniotic sac spontaneously ruptured with a complete loss of fluid, only the second time too early to continue with a healthy, viable pregnancy. Since I was at the end of my 4th month, I received meds to allow my body to contract and I opted to deliver the baby naturally without an epidural. I needed to do that for myself and this baby girl that I had to lose.

My cycle returned in October when I had a consult with a perinatologist. There is no confirmed explanation right now for my PPROM (I tested negative for infection and bacteria in both pregnancies), so it is a great possibility that it may occur again. My doctors said we could try again in November but I decided to wait a little bit longer to heal emotionally. And honestly to prepare myself mentally in the event I rupture again. We are going to TTC in a few weeks now that I am ready.

Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and pregnancies, they have helped me incredibly over the last few months.

jenahdawn

12-18-2006, 03:09 PM

Spell, you and I should be in the Feb moms.....*sigh*

Can you tell the day I'm having? Husband left for business trip. Weds is 12 weeks.

1/4 of the year has gone by.....

Spellbound

12-18-2006, 03:35 PM

Yes, Jenahdawn I remember you from the thead (you had goofy as your icon then). One of my LJ friends from that group alerted me quietly when you experienced your loss as well. I almost friended you immediately but didn't have the strength to do so at the time. I am here for you (and the rest of you) inexplicably though.

My family history has a lot of uterine disease that end in hysterectomy beginning in their mid/late 30's, hence one of the reasons we tried/will try for baby #2 so soon.

Stay strong and all my love to you. And I mean it, I'm here for you and everyone else.

jenahdawn

12-18-2006, 03:44 PM

if I knew pm me your LJ name, I'd friend you right away.....(or, as soon as I log on again)

jennylou

12-18-2006, 03:48 PM

Spellbound - I'm so sorry that you've had to join us, but am glad that we have been helpful to you during your grief.

Christmas - Last year was our first Christmas without Andrew. We celebrated Christmas Eve with the ILs (bil/sil, bil and mil, fil). We all cried a bit - as Andrew should have been 7 months and really enjoying his first Christmas. We went to midnight mass and cried some more. The next morning we flew to Hawaii. This year, we'll visit the cemetary in Christmas Eve, go to the 4pm mass (instead of midnight mass) and then do the ILs for Christmas Eve. Even now, I tear up thinking that Andrew would really enjoy this year - would be running around and enjoying himself. We are incredibly blessed this year with Nora, but I'll always remember my sweet angel. I need to take some pictures of Andrew's ornaments for you - I'm sure you'd enjoy them (for those on lj, I found one more that was bought for us last year, and another that I bought this year).

I am thinking about all of you that are very fresh in your grief.

To the pregnant ladies, I hope that you all are enjoying your pregnancies.

To those that are ttc, most especially asha I am hoping that you'll have good news to share soon. :)

Kimmiebride

12-18-2006, 03:57 PM

Spell, glad you came out of lurkdom! So sorry to hear about your baby girl. Is incompetant cervix a possibility? Maybe a preventative cerclage would help for the next time. so sad that you had to go through the rupture again, and so early. :(

Holidays - my mom arrives on Christmas day. We were originally supposed to go to FL, but doctor's advised against me flying, so she's coming here instead. I will miss my brother, but I just saw him end of October, so I can survive the holidays without him, but my mom... well, it's never quite Christmas without her so I am glad she's coming. We will probably take it pretty easy as I am so tired these days. We have to work on the office/nursery a bit, make some charity donations of stuff, and make cookies (pending my passing my GTT on Wednesday...)

Can't bring myself to decorate the naked tree in our living room. I know I will cry as we have several ornaments that are in memory of Robert.
Take care ladies, and may the holidays be gentle on you. Saying happy holidays to our group just seems too trite...
hugs,
Kimmie

LDS Angel 19

12-18-2006, 05:20 PM

Been kinda busy in here today...

jeggink So sorry about the ER visit! I hope the (physical) pain goes away really soon.

Ali It sounds like your drs are being really proactive, that's great. I hope you can find peace when you decide to TTC again, whenever that may be. Good Luck with work tomorrrow, that first day back is really hard. I had no idea what to say to people.

Spell I'm glad you came out of lurkdom. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little girl. I hope TTC goes well for you.

Jenny I would love to see more pictures of Andrew's ornanments. I think I will share pics of Alli's too if I can find some battaries for the cam....

Kimmie Good luck with your GTT! And I know what you mean, decorating the tree was super hard for me too. I felt better after it was done though.

I think now, being 18 months out, the expectation from people around me to be 'over it' has gotten a lot stronger. I can somehow sense it. No one says anything directly, but they all make a huge deal about me being pregnant again and how happy I must be. Yeah, I'm happy. Of course. But I'm also scared out of my mind. And I'll still miss my little girl, no matter how many come after her. I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

jennylou

12-18-2006, 05:29 PM

Michelle - I remember people telling me things like "you must be so excited!". How about nervous beyond belief!

jennylou

12-18-2006, 06:43 PM

Here is the pic of the three ornaments together. (http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6%3DzqH%3AxxqUD7qRUrKxzX7BHpUUKx gXP0Q%3F87KR6xqpxQQJlxeaexoaGxv8uOc5xQQQ0PQJolJaJG qpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXP0Q%7CRup6lQQ%7C/of=50,590,442)

Merry Christmas from Heaven (http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6%3DzqH%3AxxqUD7qRUrKxzX7BHpUUKx gXPJe%3F87KR6xqpxQQJlxeaexoaGxv8uOc5xQQQ0Q0aGloGJP qpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXPJe%7CRup6lQQ%7C/of=50,590,442)

Andrew Angel (http://render2.snapfish.com/render2/is=Yup6aQQ%7C%3Dup6%3DzqH%3AxxqUD7qRUrKxzX7BHpUUKx gXP0G%3F87KR6xqpxQQJlxeaexoaGxv8uOc5xQQQ0PQJolJaJJ qpfVtB%3F*KUp7BHSHqqy7XH6gXP0G%7CRup6lQQ%7C/of=50,590,442) - I saw this and had to have it. First, it said his name. It has green on it, which his birthstone is green. And it's an angel.

I looked for some of you ladies, was going to post in lj asking if you wanted me to pick them up for you. Unfortunately, they were out of Allison. Didn't have Chloe at all. Didn't have Rebekah in that spelling. Were out of Alex. It was just hard to find the. If anyone is interested, lmk, and I can check specifically for you. :)

goldengbridge

12-18-2006, 06:56 PM

Hello everyone!

Welcome Spellbound! I am sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I hope you will find comfort in our group.

Jenny- Your ortaments are beautiful! I love the Angel! I saw an ornament that I want to get for Jacob at the mall at one of those place where they put the names and dates on things. Its a white angel and it says in loving memory and I want them to put his name and Angel date on it. I also got him a baby boy ornament that I wrote his name on and date. I put that one of his grave blanket when took it to him last weekend. That was hard. I decorated his grave so pretty for Christmas, with a santa flag. Sunday was a hard day, just realizing that that he should be celebrating his first Christmas and instead we're visiting him in a cemetery. Just made me really sad. DH was pretty upset too which was pretty different. He usually is the strong one.

XMAS- we're celebrating a quiet one here at home. My grandma and mom are coming over for dinner. We'll stop over at the IL's on Xmas eve. No one has really mentioned him and it makes me sad to think that people aren't remembering him. But I know thats not the case and that people don't talk about him for fear that it will upset me.

I'm 28 weeks today. I passed my GTT- yeah for that! Kimmie good luck with yours:) Every night I pray for a healthy baby to come to me. Only 12 more weeks and she'll be here.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. I think this first one will be very very hard. Not that I think it will ever get easier.

jenahdawn

12-18-2006, 08:10 PM

jennylou, I'm finding out "Chloe" is either REALLY popular or rather new.....

jenahdawn

12-18-2006, 08:12 PM

Oh, just got back from shopping with lvella (Lisa) and she and I found little sled ornaments, one with "Katie" and one with "Chloe"

I also picked up a few other ornaments, along with:

http://www9.yatego.com/images/3ef9bf1d119363.0/promise1.jpg

Kimmiebride

12-18-2006, 08:49 PM

Total non-sequitor... you know Lisa??? Me too! That statue is lovely. I have seen a couple of those from that line of the mommy holding a baby too. Always makes me teary. Give Lisa an in person hug for me! We miss her out in CA!

I'll post our ornaments for Robert as soon as I get the stuff out of the garage to decorate... hopefully before too long...
Kimmie

Ericka_Jarett

12-19-2006, 01:55 AM

Christmas - we will be in VA this year, as Jarett's mom is back there from WA and of course would love to see the baby (she is wheelchair bound so doesn't drive)

We went to the cemetary before heading out here on vacation. We got a few baby boy ornaments for Easton on the tree, don't have Rebekah's on the tree, as her sits on the ornament hanger on her shelf in the living room year round. I've posted it before, but if anyone wants to see it again, I can put it in here, when I get home.

jeggink

12-19-2006, 09:41 AM

Spellbound I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Well, I am still in a lot of pain. I did pass a couple of decent sized clots / placental pieces. I have a drs appt tomorow and I am almost hoping he will suggest a D&C, the pain is horrible. The u/s the hospital did showed nothing was retained, but then why did I pass stuff. I think all the cramps are my cervix dialating to let it out. It has now been 3 weeks and I am nowhere near the end of all of this, I just want it to end. Plus I found out today that a friend, not to close, but old friend, is pg again and due in June. Sigh, that was really tough to hear.

Lisa

12-19-2006, 12:32 PM

I have some ornaments for Lauryn too.I'll try to past them tomorrow!

Lisa

12-19-2006, 03:19 PM

Jenny, where did you get that heaven ornament? i love it

Here are some of our we have of our tree...

jenahdawn

12-19-2006, 03:33 PM

Kim, yepper, I do! We talked about you, too! She lives about 2 miles from me.

LDS Angel 19

12-19-2006, 04:58 PM

I found the pics I took last year of her ornaments on Snapfish, so I'll just link to them like Jenny did....

Here's her name ornament (http://images1.snapfish.com/34897%3A7%3C4%7Ffp43%3Dot%3E234%3B%3D%3B48%3D835%3 DXROQDF%3E23242575388%3A4ot1lsi). I have one just like it that I've had almost my whole life, and each of her siblings after her will get one too.

And here's an angel ornament (http://images1.snapfish.com/34897%3A7%3C4%7Ffp335%3Enu%3D325%3A%3E%3A57%3E744% 3EWSNRCG%3D323334843%3A36%3Cnu0mrj) I picked up that reminded me of her.

I'm still looking for more, but haven't found much that I really love.

jennylou

12-20-2006, 02:34 PM

Michelle - that's a beautiful name ornament. I'd like to get a bunch of those too, for our family. :)

Lisa - I bought it online last year. The place I got didn't offer engraving, but I'm hoping to find a place one of these days that I can have it engraved. Here is the link for the website. (http://www.aspecialgift.com/christmas/christmas-from-heaven.asp)

jeggink

12-20-2006, 05:41 PM

Well, I guess the ER was wrong, there is retained placenta. I go in tomorrow morning for a D&C, :(. I can't wait for this agony and pain to end!

Kimmiebride

12-20-2006, 05:57 PM

Jeggink, sorry about that! I had a D&C right after my son's birth because some placenta still remained, and then had bleeding similar to yours and there was still more. Luckily I passed that on my own after some cytotec and they didn't have to do another D&C... it was agonizing, but once it was out I immediately felt better. Good luck tomorrow, and take it easy!
Kimmie

jeggink

12-20-2006, 06:26 PM

Thanks Kimmie. From what the tech told me I still have a good amount in there plus I am also leaving town on Friday, so this is my only option. This will be my 4th D&C this year (yeah, it's been a bad year) and I am a bit worried about that, but I am looking forward to feeling better and being able to eat again.

ali_ohli

12-20-2006, 07:55 PM

Judi, I'm so sorry. {{{hugs}}} I'm ready for it to be 2007 for you. :(

Ericka_Jarett

12-20-2006, 10:01 PM

Lisa - that Heaven ornament I saw on abbey press as well. You can get it engraved there: http://www.abbeypress.com/product.asp_Q_pn_E_33541

They also have other memorial pieces: http://www.abbeypress.com/category.asp_Q_c_E_288

We have this one for Rebekah, stays out year round:
http://images.snapfish.com/346525646%7Ffp33%3B%3Enu%3D3278%3E943%3E%3A57%3EWS NRCG%3D323357%3C6%3A%3A724nu0mrj
http://images.snapfish.com/346525646%7Ffp346%3Enu%3D3278%3E943%3E%3A57%3EWSNR CG%3D323357%3C6%3A%3B3%3B%3Cnu0mrj
http://images.snapfish.com/346525646%7Ffp345%3Enu%3D3278%3E943%3E%3A57%3EWSNR CG%3D323357%3C6%3A%3A723nu0mrj

We will get one for Easton and we have one from our wedding as well. Pretty much the tradition now

jennylou

12-20-2006, 10:06 PM

Judi - I'm so sorry. I hope you heal quickly.

jennylou

12-23-2006, 09:02 AM

I'm thinking about all of you ladies this morning.

ali, goldengbridge, jeggink, jenah, Lisa, myangelsvw and spellbound - may you get through this first Christmas without your angels gently.

astro - I think of you often and hope that you have sucess soon in your journey. I hope that 2007 you will bring home a healthy baby (or two!) to share your love with. Sending you gentle vibes this holiday.

sophia, ericka, sully and amy - I hope all of you enjoy your first Christmases with your rainbow babies. I know it will be bittersweet in some ways, as I still miss Andrew so much. But, I'm so thankful that we've been blessed with Nora. I love watching your babies grow.

goldendgbridge, kimmie, Michelle and Lisa - I hope you preggos are enjoying your pregnancies. I was very thankful last year that I had that to at least hold onto during the Christmas holidays. I think it made it a bit easier. Of course, there was fear, but also a bit of hope as well. I look forward to welcoming all of your rainbow babies into our little family here this year.

clzj - how are you? It's been a while since you checked in, I hope all is well.

Jessie - How are you? It's been a few Christmases for you now, I imagine you still think of Joshua at Christmas?

Happy - I wish you all the sucess in your adoption journey. Hopefully, 2007, will have you bringing a child home with you to love and raise.

I hope your holidays are gentle. Only do what you can, don't push yourself. If you need time to cry, I hope you take it.

To those of you ttc and those of you who will be ttc sometime this coming year, I wish you all much sucess. I can't wait to cheer for your BFP, and cheer and support you during your pregnancies. Lastly, I can't wait to welcome your rainbow babies into our group.

Spellbound

12-23-2006, 02:55 PM

You guys are so wonderful, you truly are. You have filled me with awe and inspiration. Hold yourselves and know that you are beautiful and strong women, each of you.

Jenahdawn, I'll PM you after the holidays to add you to my LJ. I've been sort of "offline" to an attempt divert my focus, but I plan on writing regularly again soon.

jennylou I was there as a silent member holding you close when Andrew arrived. *hugs* I am so thrilled to see your gorgeous little girl.

kimmiebride An incompetent cervix is a possibility in my mind and my OB. However not in the perinatologist's - I went in for a consultation visit in October after the loss of the baby. It was a frustrating and disappointing visit. I will write more about the visit later in the next week to explain better. On another topic, congratulations on your baby! I'm absolutely thrilled for you and look forward to seeing you til the end. I think you're the same Kim that I called regarding my Sleepy Hollow wedding a few years ago?

LDS Angel 19 *hugs* I understand the fear. Just when I thought I was resolved to moving on, I became full of fear again with the thought of a future pregnancy ending the same way again. Every week until the end of July I will be holding you and your miracles close to my heart!

goldengbridge Thank you and yahoo on passing your GTT and moving closer to the end of the 3rd trimester.

jeggink Sweetie, I'm so sorry it's been such a year. I'm sending you a wish of health and recovery, and new year of beginnings.

ali_ohli

12-23-2006, 03:41 PM

You guys are so wonderful, you truly are. You have filled me with awe and inspiration. Hold yourselves and know that you are beautiful and strong women, each of you.

I agree. :)

I can't wait to cheer for your BFP, and cheer and support you during your pregnancies. Lastly, I can't wait to welcome your rainbow babies into our group.

Sigh. Thank you, jennylou. I am so very hopeful those words will come true...for all of us.

***

Well, we're going through the motions of Christmas, if nothing else. We canceled all our plans and are just hanging out together. We got the saddest looking tree we could find and I'm going to cook a big dinner tomorrow night. None of it feels quite right, but somehow it would feel worse to do nothing at all. I broke down at the bakery this morning after getting in line behind an adorable pregnant woman (about as far along as I would've been) and her adorable little girl. Ugh, it's all so painful and raw still...

Physical question: Should I be feeling pretty normal by now? (3 weeks postpartum) The bleeding has tapered off, but I've had a fair amount of mild crampiness and pelvic pain. Everything was supposedly fine at my doctor visit a week ago, but it makes me nervous. I have this irrational fear now that something is just terribly wrong with me. :(

Astro

12-23-2006, 07:48 PM

ali-ohli It took me quite a while to feel "normal" physically even after the bleeding tapered off. I think even the next cycle (bleeding) felt different. If you have a lot of pain, go ahead and contact your Dr.

To all of us, I wish a peaceful holiday season. :)

amygrrl

12-23-2006, 07:54 PM

hey guys! really strange thing happened today... we drive by the park with avery's tree several times a week. today when we drove by, my jaw dropped... there stood her little redwood (not little really... like maybe 9 or 10 ft by now since it was planted a little over a year ago... but small in comparison to the other trees in the park)... and anyway, she was covered in red bows. i kid you not. someone put red christmas bows all over her. i just started sobbing. we called everyone we could think of and they were all adament that they didn't do it. so we don't know who did. but there's a little plaque at the bottom of the tree and it's by far the youngest tree in the park and right near the main walkway, so i guess someone could have read it and done it just because they had the heart to... but it's so strange b/c the tree has been there since the september before last and no one has ever put anything on it. and we found out we were pregnant with avery on christmas day.

even if it was a stranger, i can't tell you how much it broke us to know that someone else was thinking about our little girl and her tree.

anyway, we took pictures of the tree and i'll post them on her later so you all can see.

ali_ohli

12-23-2006, 11:24 PM

amy that gives me chills! What a lovely thing!

astro thanks for your response...it's reassuring to hear you felt the same way. After everything I've been through, I'm just so desperate to feel "normal" again, you know?

LDS Angel 19

12-25-2006, 06:34 AM

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of all of you this morning....

Lisa

12-25-2006, 08:26 AM

Have a Merry Christmas!! You all in are my thoughts too!

goldengbridge

12-25-2006, 08:45 AM

Merry Christmas everyone and merry christmas to our Angels in heaven!

SailorJenny

12-25-2006, 11:44 AM

Merry Christmas everybody! Thinking of you all :)

jenahdawn

12-25-2006, 11:52 AM

We went to visit them today....and the bear we put up on the gate on the day of their memorial (11/4) is still there.

I wish today was over...

ali_ohli

12-25-2006, 02:11 PM

Merry Christmas, all...

jenahdawn, hang in there. I know how much it sucks. The only thought that keeps me going is that next year *will* be better, I just know it.

Ericka_Jarett

12-25-2006, 07:43 PM

Merry Christmas!!!! Hope today was gentle on all of you.

We had a pretty good Christmas at Jarett's grandmother's house. Easton got some stuff.

I got my charms for my necklace, one is Easton's birthstone in a boy shape and the other is Rebekah's birthstone in the girl shape (Jarett actually requested it from his parents, along with Easton's that I asked for,I was touched he thought to request her's as well)

jennylou

12-27-2006, 08:46 AM

ericka - that's sweet that Jarett remembered Rebekah.

SailorJenny - Welcome back. How are you doing?

Jenah - I'm sorry the day was tough on you.

ali - I hope your day was gentle.

amy - that's so lovely that Avery's tree was decorated.

Astro - How are you doing?

spellbound - I'm jent9202003 on lj, if you want another friend.

This Christmas was sure different than last year. Last year, the grief was still fresh and very raw. This year, it's like the wound has started to heal - but it's still very tender if pushed upon. We went to the cemetary on Christmas Eve. DHs Aunt decorated the plots (DHs grandma, grandpa and cousin) are there as well as Andrew. She is out there at least weekly and takes care of Andrew's spot as well. We held each other and cried. We love N and really struggle with the fact that if Andrew were here, she likely would not be.

DH got me a decoration (wall hanging) that is very simple and says "Angels Gather Here". He signed it from Andrew. I'm going to hang it on the wall with his pictures and cross that I bought for him. I love that my DH is not afraid to show emotion. We can laugh together and cry together.

LDS Angel 19

12-27-2006, 08:56 AM

I have similar feelings as Jenny. The second Christmas was very different than the first. We also went to the cemetary Christmas eve and just cried for awhile. I am trying to be positive and hopful about this pregnancy, but it dosen't take away the feeling of what we missed out on without her here.
Not a single person mentioned her, but I like to hope that that dosen't mean that no one remembers. They just make that classic mistake of not saything anything because they think it will upset us.
Anyway, last year the unexpected hard part for me was New Years. So many mixed emotions. I sort of feel the same way this year. Most of 2006 just feels like a waste. And getting farther away from the time I held her kind of hurts, some of the details in my memory are already starting to fade. I just have to keep up hope that 2007 will be better.

ali_ohli

12-28-2006, 11:03 PM

I love how a few of you have used the word "gentle" in this thread. It really is so appropriate and important in these moments. Our holidays have been just that: gentle. We haven't pushed ourselves to do anything, and it's been surprisingly okay. Being social is just too hard right now.

I am also reading a book that's helping a bit and might be of interest to some of you: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner. I have found myself struggling with a lot of anger toward God, and this book is helping me to work through some of it. (It's written from a Judeo-Christian perspective.)

To all of you who are pregnant, you are in my thoughts every day and your courage gives me hope. The thought of trying again is terrifying, but I am inspired by all of you.

Sully130

12-29-2006, 10:10 AM

I'm thinking of all of you ladies. I know this time of year is hard. Like a few of you, this is my second Christmas without my angel, but my first with my miracle baby. It's bittersweet. It's hard not to think about the little girl who should have been here with me. It would have been the first Christmas for her where she could really enjoy it. And while if she was here, I wouldn't have my son...it's still so hard. Like most of you, no one mentions her.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. As we enter the 2007, I wish and pray that you all can find happiness and joy in the hope of the new year.

ali_ohli - That is a great book. ANother that really helped me deal with my anger issues with God was A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. He wrote it after his wife succumbed to a horrific battle with cancer and I can't tell you how much I identified with a great deal of that book.

jennylou

12-29-2006, 10:25 AM

Like Michelle, NYE was also a rough time for me last year - and we were off on vacation! My sis and bil went down on the beach, but I was tired and pregnant, so Sean and I decided to stay in the room. Shortly before midnight, Sean woke me up and we quietly and tearfully entered in the new year. We started out 2005 with so many hopes and dreams. We were pregnant and thrilled. And then, a tragedy that no one could have predicted hit. And even though I was pregnant again by the NY, it still hurt. It was by far, the worst year that I've ever had to go through. And, even though there was pain with that year, there was also a joy. The joy of my first pregnancy, the joy of his birth. And letting go of that year was hard too, because it marked a greater amount of time that I had last held my boy.

Anyways, as we enter the NY's holidays, I hope and pray that all of you will be able to at least enjoy part of the weekend. There will be tough times, no doubt, but I hope that they are gentle on you.

BTW - no one mentioned Andrew this year at Christmas. We hosted, though, so they all had to at least look at his pictures. He'll always be my first born.

John Edwards just announced his candidacy for 2008. Despite the fact that they lost a son, they make sure to acknowledge him - I want to make sure that I always acknowledge my son as well. Anyways, it's politics, but it struck me, kwim?

LDS Angel 19

01-02-2007, 09:13 AM

Our NYE turned out ok. We were with friends and rather distracted, so I guess it worked.
I just can't believe how fast the time can go by...I know in the early days it crawls, but now it seems like a whole year was gone in a day.

clzj

01-02-2007, 01:48 PM

Just got back from the 20w ultrasound and I have a relief over me. The baby is breech. I know a lot would be afraid of this, but i am glad because the one I lost was not breech.

ali_ohli

01-02-2007, 07:29 PM

My NYE was pretty rough. I made the very stupid mistake of drinking too much, not realizing what a disaster it is to mix booze with grief. I won't be doing that again! Today our friends e-mailed us the pictures from the NYE party we were supposed to have been at. The shot of the pregnant girls lined up with their big bellies was a little too much to bear. I can't stop feeling angry about the fact that I was supposed to be in that picture.

Question: Did anyone else try charting immediately after their loss? I wanted to chart to avoid, but my temps and CM have been ALL over the place. It's been four+ weeks and I haven't gotten my period yet.

clzj -- I'm glad you were able to get some relief. I'm already scared to think what a basket case I'll be in a subsequent pregnancy; you girls are such inspirations to me, I can't tell you!

clzj

01-02-2007, 11:07 PM

Ali, I did chart after the loss. I can't remember when I started. I will have to look back. I will try and post that chart for you so that can help you. I will look later today.

I did go and look at fertility friend and found my post lost charts from right after. Ali, I posted the one that I start the day after lost and the one when I received my first period after the loss. I hope this helps. Also there is a comunnity that will help with charting to avoid. here is the link to them: Charting to avoid (http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22136&goto=newpost)

Spellbound

01-03-2007, 03:09 AM

I was inspired by so many of you with the mementos on your tree for your angels that I mustered up the courage to ask DH if we could do the same. We looked at several stores and finally picked out a glass pomegranate with a slice cut out revealing dozens of seeds.

We chose the pomegrante as a reminder of the little girl we were planning to have next month. There is a lot of symbology with this fruit that is close to me - fertility and life are general meanings, but I have always loved its involvement in explaining the turn of seasons in Greek mythology regarding a mother who goes into mourning for her lost daughter, who later returns. I'm a huge studier of folktales and mythology but this tale is one that I especially hold close to my heart now. We found the ornament on Christmas Eve and I hung her on our tree on New Year's Eve to enable me to focus on the future.

So it is now January, which means the time has come for TTC again. I had a nightmare last night where I awoke at 4am with a large cramp in my stomach and fears that if I am able to get pregnant this month it will be ectopic (foolishly rationalizing the cramping into something bad). I know it was my imagination going into negative overdrive perhaps toying with my ability to not carry full-term twice now but it kept me awake until nearly 8am fretting over how a future pregnancy will fare and whether I will rupture again.

I obviously need to identify/learn some coping tools to turn this fear energy into something else. Any suggestions? I would highly appreciate it. I feel healed enough that I am ready to go forward but I don't know how to cope with fearing what may happen.

jennylou I will send you a message later but yes I'd love to add you on LJ. I love your gift from DH.

ali_ohli *hugs* Hang in there.