Unaffectionate toddler

[dziner]

Sometimes I just do not understand my own child. At 18 months, she is extremely stubborn and demanding. She doesn't like to play by herself for even a few minutes; she is constantly bringing us things so we can entertain her. The hardest thing is that she is not very snuggly. If I ask her for a hug, she says no. Sometimes she'll give DH one, but rarely will she oblige anyone else who asks. Aren't kids by this age supposed to show affection? I have to confess, it does make me feel rather resentful of this little person who continually demands so much of me and yet offers little in return. :(

[BeachBum]

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I can certainly understand why it would be so hurtful.

I don't mean to overstep my bounds, but have you considered that something else might be going on? I know that lack of affection is a behavior associated with autism. Perhaps a bit of reading on that topic could either set your mind at ease or be a first step to figuring out what is going on.

{{hugs}}

[emschwar]

My guess is that she's probably figured out how to push your buttons and likes the reaction she gets from you when she refuses. Noah calls me "dada" and I know it's because we've laughed in past when he does it. :rolleyes:

Kids have their own personalities, whether we like them or not!

I can certainly understand the resentment though.

[mom_to_zoe]

Just to give you a little ray of hope: my DD, who is now 22 months, was never cuddly or affectionate. Our nanny, DH and I would commiserate about how we never got hugs or kisses, even when DD hurt herself! But lately, in the past month or so, she has started asking for and giving hugs and kisses and even sometimes says, "Lub you, mommy!" But she definitely was NOT this way at 18 months. And she has never been a big one for playing by herself. These days, she will play with her toys on her own, but only if you are sitting right there. :rolleyes:

Also, have you read "The Emotional Life of the Toddler" by Alicia Lieberman? I found it very insightful.

[LeighW]

I'm trying to remember when my DD started regularly giving hugs and kisses--voluntarily and when asked. I think it was around 22-23 months. One day, she'll just start doing it.

Also, I agree on the pushing buttons theory. She probably senses how much you want a hug or a kiss and withholds it because she can. My DD is big on button pushing--acting up at mealtime or in public, looking right at me and doing exactly what I just told her not to do just to see my reaction, not following instructions.

She was worse about this 6-8 months ago--about your DD's age.

My DD is also stubborn and demanding, so I empathize. :)

On playing by herself, have you tried "time ins?" Focus on your DD--get on the floor and just concentrate on her. Do whatever she wants to do for 30-45 minutes. No sneaking away to check on dinner or to get a load of laundry out of the dryer. No acting bored or as if you want to do something else. Then, gradually disengage yourself and do whatever you need or want to do. A friend of mine told me about this--and it works for my DD. After having my enthusiastic and undivided attention for a chunk of time, she will play by herself for 20-30 minutes. I do it as soon as we get home in the late afternoon. It's the only way I can sneak away for 20 minutes to make dinner without also having to placate a whiny toddler.

As one of my friends said, "God makes them cute as babies so you fall in love with them before they turn into toddlers and you want to strangle them."

Take care. It's always something, isn't it?

[mom2amelia]

My DD is not an overly affectionate toddler. Half the time we have to bribe her for a hug or a kiss ("ok, you can get down from your booster as soon as you give me a hug or a kiss"). Or, she uses hugs and kisses as a delay tactic - when DH and I are leaving the house or when she doesn't want to go to sleep. Until about 3 months ago she didn't even want to be cuddled when she was hurt or upset. Now she clings to me for dear life when she's crying and puts her arms tightly around my neck.

The way I figure it, she's just not that into close physical contact. She hated co-sleeping too. It's just her nature. I try not to take it personally when she says, "no, mommy, no hug" and pushes me away. She's not doing it hurt my feelings, she's doing it to assert her own desire not to be hugged. I kinda get that. I'm very huggy kissy with her, but not so much with anyone else. I hate that she's not cuddly, but what can you do?

[Lolavix]

Caroline isn't all that affectionate, either. The only time we get a "Caroline hug" is when she is either just getting up or just going down to bed. This hug consists of holding her and her putting her head on your shoulder.

[BTB]

Not hugging a lot isn't a typical sign of autism - autistic kids' reticence is usually more severe even in those with mild autism - for example, a refusal to make eye contact with others.

If I ask her for a hug, she says no. Sometimes she'll give DH one, but rarely will she oblige anyone else who asks.

The first thing I thought when I read that is, she's testing the boundaries. You've asked permission, and she likes getting to tell mommy no.

The second thing I thought was, despite that, it's great that you do ask her permission for hugs, and don't force her to give them. It teaches her early on that she alone controls her body, forcing kids into displays of affection can leave them more vulnerable to the perverts of the world - sad to think about, but unfortunately a fact of life these days.

[dziner]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I have read about some of the early signs of autism, but feel very certain this is behavioral/personality. mom 2 zoe, I will look up that book tonight; I could use some helpful insight from the "experts." leighw, I am definitely willing to try your time-in idea and see if it gets me anywhere...thanks for the tip. mom2amelia, DD also hated co-sleeping once she got past that initial newborn stage. It's just so weird to me that she can be so needy yet not want physical contact. I hope I see some change like you all have described in your own kids; I'm a pretty huggy person and I guess I thought having a kid would guarantee I'd get them regularly. :rolleyes: