Advice wanted re: SIL and miscarriage

[ShelbyMay]

Update posted below.

I thought about posting this under ES, but I'm not really the one needing emotional support. If it is misplaced here, feel free to move it.

My SIL and I both became pregnant about 3 months apart (I was a trimester ahead). She and my brother suffered a miscarriage a little less than 3 months ago. My baby is due in less than 2 weeks. Since the miscarriage, SIL really can't bear to be around me. I know it must be very painful to see me so close to delivering when she is mourning the loss of her own child. I have tried to be as sensitive as I possibly can -- In fact, no one in my family really acknowledges my pregnancy when SIL is around. If I could possibly look "less pregnant", I would, but I know that's impossible.

I certainly don't expect SIL to "get over it" or suddenly want to discuss baby things with me. The problem is, everyone else in our family is in a really awkward position. Not only do SIL and I not hang out like we used to, but her resentment and pain have caused her to treat me... well, not so nice. If we are both at the same family event, she will actively avoid eye contact with me. She doesn't talk to me. She tries to be in a different room if at all possible. In short, she does her best to pretend I don't exist.

I recently heard from my mom that SIL was angry with me because she felt that I had not properly acknowledged her loss. I wrote her a letter and explained that I was trying to give her space because it's what everyone told me was the right thing to do. I told her how sorry I am for her loss and how sad our whole family is about it. She seemed pleased by the letter and tried to be friendly to me -- for about 2 days. Then things between us turned chilly again.

Now that I am so close to my due date, SIL has told other family members that she is planning on leaving town. She wants to be gone for the rest of the summer (several weeks, at least) so that she doesn't have to deal with everyone welcoming the new baby. We are honestly all a little worried that she isn't going to want to come back home.

Our other family members don't know how to react. They want to be sensitive to SIL's needs, but at the same time, they want to be happy about the new addition to the family. My brother, in particular, just can't win. This will be his first niece, and he is looking forward to meeting her -- but SIL is angry with him any time he acknowledges that I'm having a baby at all.

I'm also kind of worried that this situation is never going to get better. I am worried that my daughter will pick up on the resentment from her aunt. I understand that SIL is grieving, but it's not my daughter's fault. I don't want her growing up feeling like she did something wrong to make her aunt love her less. I'm an adult and can deal with the resentment, but a child shouldn't have to. Brother and SIL have another child, a 2-year-old, who is beloved by our entire family. I want my child to experience that same warmth.

Can anyone offer any advice? Is there anything I can do to help make this situation any better? Will it ever get better? I don't want to rush SIL, but the timing is hard for all of us. I want to be sensitive to her grief, but at the same time I refuse to hide my baby away like some dirty secret. I would never dream of rubbing our happiness in her face, but I don't want to feel ashamed of my joy. :(

[JoyousAutumn]

No advice, just (((hugs)))

[Marie]

It sounds like she needs space, time and counseling. When I had my m/c a co-worker was also pregnant. It was VERY hard for me to be around her and I am still uncomfortable 4 years later looking at her daughter. However, I never treated her the way your SIL is treating you.

While it is not your fault, your SIL is still grieving and you are a constant reminder of what she lost. And I don't think there's anything you can do to make it better. Perhaps only with grief counseling can she move past this.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Bubbas]

I went through this same situation but I am the one who sufered the loss. My SIL & BIL had a very shaky marriage but got PG unexpectedly. She was due 3 months before me. We were never very close and she has always had problems with DH's family. We had a funeral for my son and SIL asked me if I minded if she came. I said "no, I don't mind" Afterall, she is still family. It was very hard for me to talk with her that day and I just kept looking at her stomach, wondering why DH and I were going through this. 2 months later my neice was born. DH and I went to the hospital to see them and when the baby was brought in, I started to cry and had to walk out of the room. I came back in a few minutes later and held my neice.

I wasn't bitter at all towards them because it wasn't their fault that I lost my son. It was just hard for me. I got PG about 6 months later and had a beautiful son. Meanwhile, SIL & BIL are now separated.

Try not to let what she is doing effect you. This is supposed to be a wonderful moment in your life and hopefully, after some time, your SIL will come around.

[bellabonga]

I think I can relate to the situation as mine is somewhat similar. I already have a 3yo daughter and got pregnant again in March. A friend of mine got pregnant three weeks earlier than I did and we were both so excited to have our babies at the end of the year. But then I had a missed abortion and a d&c when I was at 11 weeks. This has been five weeks ago and I avoid my friend since then because I just can´t stand to be around anyone who´s pregnant and especially not her. Although I hate to admit it, I´m jealous that she is still pregnant and I am not. It´s a weird mixture of emotions - on the other hand I´m glad for her that she will be finally having a baby but still I´m jealous. When I see her it always reminds me of what should have been. It´s just that seeing her brings me down again. It´s not her fault, in fact it´s nobody´s fault but still I can´t stand to be around her.

So I assume that your SIL feels alike. I don´t think that she resents you personally for being pregnant but that it makes her even sadder and jealous to see you being pregnant. And I don´t think that she will love your baby less. She will just need more time in her grieving process and will come around when the wounds are healed. Personally I think it would help me if I was pregnant again by the time my friend will have her baby in November and when my EDD in mid December comes up. So I guess that once her EDD will be over or once she is pregnant again your SIL will begin to feel better. It´s probably a good thing when she leaves town so that everybody can welcome your baby without feeling guilty. And maybe some space will work wonders for her.

[mia's mama]

Shelby- I know you may not read this for a while (since your water broke this AM! :D ), but I did want to comment since, I have been where your SIL is too.

About 2.5 years ago, My sister, my SIL and I all discovered that we were pregnant and due within 6 weeks of each other... neither my sister or SIL planned their pregnancies (though they were in healthy marriages and these children were very much wanted), and these were 2nd children for each of them. DH and I had only been trying for about 3 cycles, this would have been our first child. My sister was due first, I was due 2 weeks later, and SIL a month after me.

I was SO excited to be going through this with both my sister and SIL (we are all very close though we live many miles from one another)- we all chatted away on a daily basis about how great it was going to be to have all of these cousins so close in age- I couldn't wait!
Well, 2 weeks later I suffered a miscarriage (my first of 3). It was so hard- made impossibly more difficult by the fact that they were still pregnant. It felt like I had been kicked out of the club that I wanted so badly to be a part of. I had a REALLY hard time talking to either of them for a while.

So I guess that once her EDD will be over or once she is pregnant again your SIL will begin to feel better

I totally agree. I didn't get pregnant with a successful pregnancy until 2 months after they had both given birth, but I really was excited when my nieces were born...and once they had arrived, I was able to move past the thoughts of my should-have-been EDD and just accept their arrival.
I never loved my nieces any less, and once they arrived I had no problems at all being around them. I still wished it could be me holding that newborn, but I didn't feel the resentment anymore.

On a really great note, with this pregnancy (my 2nd child), SIL and I were once again due 2 weeks apart (her 3rd child) She just gave birth to my first nephew early this AM, and I suspect our little guy will make an appearance within the next 2-3 weeks!

I hope your SIL move on once she gets past her EDD...I really feel for her, but it shouldn't take away from your excitement at all! Can't wait to hear the news about your DD's arrival very soon!

[Sophia]

Shelby: I've sort of been in the position of your SIL. DH & I started TTC right away after our marriage 3 years ago. I got pregnant on the 2nd cycle off BCPs but then had a m/c at 6 weeks. Even though it was very early in the pregnancy, I was completely devastated. I imagine my reaction would have been more intense if I'd had months instead of weeks to plan and daydream and become attached to my baby. Then I had two back to back chemical pregnancies, but my response was different--instead of crying hard for hours every day (I was a total mess after the first loss), I went sort of numb. I wouldn't let myself cry, and while I was trying so hard to not break down I probably looked angry a lot of the time. During that time, I was invited to 2 baby showers--one for a cousin and one for a relative by marriage (a cousin of a cousin). I was happy for them--I truly was--but I absolutely could not see them, much less go to a baby shower, so I steeled myself to buy the gifts, then had my mother delivery them to the showers. It wasn't that I begrudged them their babies--I had to stay away in order to protect myself. It was self-defense. So even if she seems angry, I'd bet she's acting the way she is out of self-defense.

Time helped. So did getting pregnant again, even though we were no longer trying. But I won't lie--I still think of that first pregnancy I lost. If it had stuck, my baby would be 2yo next month. I still cry sometimes.

[jennylou]

Shelby - is this the woman that you referenced back in April that had her loss at 17 weeks? If so, I can understand where she is coming from, to some extent.

My sister delivered her daughter about a month after I had Andrew. I say about, b/c honestly, I don't know when and have no desire to know when the child was born. When my stepmother started the emails of photos, I asked to be taken off of the email list. Yes, she's my neice, but she's entirely too close in age to where Andrew would be. For my own mental stability, I don't need that constant reminder. So, while some may think it's selfish, rude and perhaps even childish, this is how I can best cope with the situation. I don't need the email reminders of where my son should be developementally, etc. Maybe in time, I'll be at the point where I can look at pictures, but I'm certainly still a long ways away from that. And, I am expecting our second child, but it hasn't dulled the pain of things like baptisms, seeing babies that would be his age, etc. Yes, I'm thankful for this new gift, but it certainly can never replace my first born.

What I'm trying to say is that it may be years before your sil can deal with things. We all heal at different rates. It's still *very* fresh for your SIL if this just happened less than three months ago. If this woman is the one who you mentioned having a loss at 17 weeks, she's probably still thinking about where she'd be in her pregnancy, she's probably thinking about her upcoming EDD, etc.

Understandably, I can understand how it would be hurtful to you, but it really has nothing to do with you. It sounds like a coping mechanism.

If you want to be sensitive to her grief, then you have to let her grieve. Don't push her. At the same point, don't brush her loss under the rug. It's important to acknowledge her loss. If she's feeling like you're being showered with attention and no one has even mentioned her baby, I think it's natural to feel bad about that. Some people think it's probably best not to bring topics like this up, but I think it minimizes the extreme pain that the parents are going through.

Congrats on your baby.

[usafwife]

As the others have said, I think that it isn't that your SIL is holding it against you but most likely a coping mechanism. I have a friend who has been trying for many years to have a baby (they've been married for almost 8 years and have been trying for most of that time with no luck). I felt so badly for her when we found out 2 years ago that we were expecting our first that I held off telling her for a while. I wanted her to be at my baby shower but she wasn't able to come (being at baby showers was just too hard of a reminder). Another one of my friends from high school was also pregnant the same time I was (but delivered 4 months before I did) and she too felt bad for our other friend.

We found out a friend was expecting in October earlier this year. A few weeks later we learned we were pregnant as well. A week later I had a m/c. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting (we weren't trying and it was very much a surprise) and just tried to deal with the loss ourselves. It wasn't easy. I was heartbroken....grieving for the baby we had lost and everything that goes along with that. It wasn't easy being around our friend who was pregnant for a while.

So I guess that once her EDD will be over or once she is pregnant again your SIL will begin to feel better
This is true to a degree for me. My EDD for the lost pregnancy hasn't come around yet but we are expecting another baby in February (around the time I had the m/c this year). I still have my moments but it's better. I'm at an increased risk for another m/c in the first trimester (because of a medical condition I have that was discovered a couple of months after my DD wass born) which we think was the reason for the other m/c as well.

Let her have time to grieve. If that takes a year, then so be it. Every person processes grief in different ways. We are still dealing with the grief and aftermath of DH's father's death over a year later. Of course the way he passed away didn't help the situation. We have our good days and our bad days. I was about a month away from delivering our DD when he passed away. I wouldn't think that your SIL would treat your baby any different because they lost their baby. It might be difficult the first time she sees the baby (thinking what she's lost and that she should have been holding her baby as well).

Congratulations on your baby's arrival!

[ShelbyMay]

I am bumping this up because the situation has only gotten worse. :(

Another 5 weeks have passed (DD was born the day after I made the original post). SIL still has not met DD. We all live in the same town and used to have a big family dinner at least once a week, but my brother & SIL no longer attend. SIL refuses to be around me at all. If I am going to visit my parents, she expects me to schedule an exact time that I will be there so that she will not accidentally show up during that time and run into me and DD. My brother has visited DD a handful of times, but he has to hide his visits from SIL to avoid upsetting her.

At the same time, SIL has let us know (through email) that she is upset with us for not doing a good enough job of acknowledging her grief. I thought I had done this with my letter to her several weeks ago, but she is still resentful. She mentioned that she wishes we would talk about the baby she lost, ask to see the mementos she has, help with the memorial service they are planning, etc. I don't understand how I am supposed to do any of these things when she is not willing to see me or DD at all.

At the same time, I feel like she does not remember (from the early days with her first child) what life is like when you have a newborn baby. I am doing well to get my teeth brushed most days. I am letting my laundry go right now just so I can get this post typed out. I don't know how to meet her emotional needs when I can barely meet my own physical needs right now. But if I say any of that to her, I know she will think I am being insensitive because she would give anything to be so busy with a newborn.

She is just so angry with all of us ALL THE TIME. None of us (my parents included) feel like we can ever do anything right. It's like she assumes the worst with every word we say or thing we do. For instance, she did email me a few days after DD was born to say a simple congratulations and also said how lucky DH and I are to have her. I knew she would be offended if I did not respond, so I wrote back and thanked her and told her that we feel very blessed. I later found out that she was angry at my use of the word "blessed" because she took it to mean that I thought God saw fit to bless us with DD and that she and BIL weren't deserving of another baby...? I was just trying to let her know that I am not taking any of this for granted! It is like this all the time -- If we don't respond, then we are cold and uncaring. If we do respond, then we inevitably say the wrong thing and she is upset with us for that. All of the relationships within our family are suffering, and I honestly don't know if they can ever be repaired. It makes me very sad.

SIL is getting counseling, but I really don't know if it is helping. Is there anything we can do? I feel like our family is falling apart.

[Walton]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel so sad for you and your family. This is a rotten situation. Obviously your SIL can't just get over her loss (not that you are expecting her to), but it doesn't seem like she wants anyone else to experience joy. I think it's good that she's getting counselling, though. Hopefully that will help. I'm so sorry for all of you!

[Scooter]

Your SIL is going through major grief--and anger, resentment, and pulling away from the family is all part of that. It sounds like you are doing what you can (considering you have a newborn!) and trying to always be considerate of her feelings. But maybe there is just no winning right now. And none of that has to do with you; it's all about what she's going through. You can't make her do any better dealing with her loss than she's already doing.

It may feel like the family's falling apart, but try to think of it in the big picture--grief like hers lasts a long time. But it won't always be so raw. She will one day find within herself the ability to see you, have family dinners, and even meet your DD. But now is obviously too soon for her. It seems like it's hard for you to keep in mind that this is something she has to go through and can't be taken personally by you. You can't think that you aren't doing something and if only you did that it would help. The one thing you & the family can do is not bear a grudge for the anger she's showing all of you right now. You say that you don't know if the relationships can ever be repaired because of her behavior--but this is one time in her life where it's really hard to pull it together. She may act this way towards you guys because she trusts you so much that she doesn't have to put up a front & hold back her grief. It doesn't make it right, but maybe it's more understandable to you to see it that way. I wouldn't judge her so harshly for how she's acting at one of the lowest points in her life (I'm guessing, don't know her history), especially when it's entirely likely that she will one day again be like she was before. This is her darkest side, at her darkest time of life, but it doesn't erase all the parts of her you & the family love--they're still there.

It may even seem like counseling isn't helping yet, but believe me, just the act of her going, having somewhere to vent, and beginning to build a trusting relationship with someone (which takes a while & is often really hard when you've just experienced a loss), is all laying the foundation for her to begin healing

[MSH]

This is such a sensitive situation. Everyone experiences grief differently. Having had m/c's though not as late as your SIL I can understand why she would be upset to see PG women and babies. I know it was very hard for me during the early days and I would often find myself thinking "Why can't that be me?", "Why me?" and "I should be this far along". Never once did I ever wish these people (some friends, some co-workers and some strangers) had not been blessed with their miracle. It was just incredibly hard to understand why mine was taken away.

Would it be an option to write her another letter. Be very open hearted and let her know that you love her and your brother and want them both to be part of yours and your familys life (you, hubby and DD). Explain you understand the circumstances aren't ideal and you respect the fact seeing your and your DD may be hard for her. Reiterate your feelings about her loss and let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Let her know she is welcome anytime, even if she can only stay a minute or doesn't make it in the door at all.

It may be alot of her feeling seem very strong in her mind and she has an idea she would not be able to cope if this or that were to happen. However, when presented with the oppertunity or the situation itself I in my experience found I was stronger than I thought and things didn't affect me the way I thought they would. Taking some of these baby-steps helped me to deal with the pain and grief I was experiencing.

[BusyBee]

Just wanted to add, maybe you can also write her a short email on the 4 month, etc. anniversary of her loss - just to say you're thinking about her and her angel baby. So she knows she is not the only one who remembers.
(I'd try to avoid talking much about your life until she asks.)

But expect that she will read the worst in it, and you won't be dissapointed. How can she be more angry with you? You have nothing to lose as long as you write with love and concern for her.

[ShelbyMay]

Thank you for the advice. I have not been angry with her -- just sad that she is missing out on this part of her first niece's life. My parents have become upset with her because they feel they are being asked to also miss out on these things in order to show their loyalty to SIL and their sympathy for her. My brother is upset because things are so hard for him at home and he is forced to be the messenger between SIL and everyone else.

If there were something any of us could do, we would certainly do it. We feel like we've been as sensitive as we possibly can and have tried to do what SIL asks, but we are always in the wrong. She tells us she needs space, and then is angry with us because we haven't called, visited, tried to talk to her about the baby, etc. She says she can't bear to see me, but is then angry because I haven't reached out to her. It's not so much that I think there is a magic "cure" for her grief, but it is frustrating when she tells us that she needs certain things from us, but when we do exactly as she asks, it is still not good enough.

I have already told her that I love her and am willing to do whatever she needs, whether that be talking about it or giving her space. I expressed how heartbroken we all are over the loss of their baby. I told her it's okay if she is not ready to see us, but that she is welcome in our home any time. I told her that I don't expect her to just get over her grief for my own comfort. I don't know what more to say, really.

I just miss her and hate seeing my family members hurting like this.

[usafwife]

Your SIL is going through one of her darkest and lowest points in life (just guessing but losing a child is one of life's hardest things you have to go through). It's not easy to deal with the grief that comes following a miscarriage. It's real and it's very painful. And each person deals with grief differently. It's still very fresh for your SIL.

Seeing you and your DD is a reminder to her what she has lost. And sometimes it's very difficult to have to see that reminder. In time she will want to see the family again, see your new DD but it's just too soon for her right now. As someone else said, she could be acting that way towards the family because she knows she doesn't have to hide her emotions from you as she might feel she needs to from other people.

I think it's a little harsh to judge her so harshly. It will take time to deal with all of things she's feeling. And it won't all disappear and be back to normal overnight. There's no magical cure to make you feel better one day. And you and the rest of the family shouldn't expect that to happen. As I said earlier, it can take a long time (even a year to overcome the grief, anger, resentment, etc). Let her have all the time in the world to deal with it.

It seems like it's hard for you to keep in mind that this is something she has to go through and can't be taken personally by you. You can't think that you aren't doing something and if only you did that it would help. The one thing you & the family can do is not bear a grudge for the anger she's showing all of you right now. You say that you don't know if the relationships can ever be repaired because of her behavior--but this is one time in her life where it's really hard to pull it together.

I agree with this.

Letting her know that you (and the rest of the family) are there for her is a good thing. It's hard to know what to say to her that won't set her off right now. That isn't your (or the rest of the family's fault). I was truly happen for a friend of ours who was still pregnant but I couldn't help but think we should be nearly in her footsteps. That didn't mean I didn't want our friend to have anything happen to her baby. I needed time to deal with the loss we had experienced. I think it's hard for someone who has never experienced a miscarriage (at any point during a pregnancy) to know what to say.

I think that the your SIL going for counseling is a good thing. Having someone else to talk to (and vent to) is a good thing. It may take awhile to see any results (it won't happen overnight and don't expect it to either) but it will lay the building blocks to allow her to begin to heal.

[usafwife]

I don't mean to imply that you or your family is angry with her. I realize that you and the rest of the family would do something if you could. I just know what it's like to be the one who loses the baby. So I can understand and see where your SIL is coming from. Maybe you could all go to a counseling session together. She could hear what you all have to say and the counselor would be there as a person to make sure that nothing gets out of hand.

She could be saying one thing and meaning the opposite. I did that with my DH immediately following the loss of our baby. Thankfully he had been around me long enough to know that what I was saying and what I was needing were two opposite things. Maybe your SIL is doing the same thing. I think a lot of people tend to do that in the grieving process.

[almostthere]

I do think you should not have to tip toe around your parents and vice versa and I think it is important not to hide. However in all honesty she probably has no desire to share in these early experiences of her neice as she cannot have those moments with her own baby.

I have suffered 2 miscarriages in the last year of trying and found out the my best friend and sister in law are all do within 2-3 weeks of my second due date. Am I happy for them and wish them all the best yes. Do I want to see monthly pregnancy photos no and in all honesty I have a very hard time seeing my parents joy in mentioning their soon to be new grandson. I then hate myself even more for how jealous I feel. I basically feel bad all the time.

I imagine your SIL is so lost in her own grief that she is having a hard time fighting her way out and she is taking it out on you and your DD because it is tangible and visable.

You should remember though it is not your place to fix her grief or solve it. She probably misses herself too. I think it is important though to let your feelings be heard in an apropriate and respectful manner because there is a point in which you and your child cannot be hidden forever.

[BridalLace]

just lurking along, and was wondering if your brother had thought about taking a trip with his wife to get away from all the painful reminders of her loss? would that help reduce tension on all sides?

or maybe not. i have never experienced a loss of this magnititude. i wouldn't want your SIL to misinterpret the expressed intentions of such a trip, at the same time.

[Bubbas]

just lurking along, and was wondering if your brother had thought about taking a trip with his wife to get away from all the painful reminders of her loss? would that help reduce tension on all sides?

or maybe not. i have never experienced a loss of this magnititude. i wouldn't want your SIL to misinterpret the expressed intentions of such a trip, at the same time.

We lost our first son in July and took a vacation to Mexico 3 months later. It did wonders for me and DH and I think it really helped strengthen our marriage, which was getting a little rocky because of the loss.

It might be something to mention to your brother.

[ShelbyMay]

They do have a trip planned, but I am not sure when they are going.

SIL and I had a long talk, and I think things are going to be a little better now. We cleared up a lot of misunderstanding between us and among other family members.

[jenahdawn]

Bumping up because it's been over a year and I am wondering if things have changed at all?

(FYI, I have a friend locally and on here who had her son when we SHOULD have had the girls, and while I love her and adore her, I still have a hard time seeing her son.)

[ShelbyMay]

Things are better in some ways, and worse in others. SIL did meet DD when she was about 6 weeks old. I really appreciated the effort she made, as I know it had to be difficult for her. Since then, we see each other once every month or two. It is a far cry from the closer relationship we shared before. Still, she is kind to my DD and to me when we do see each other.

The tricky part now is that I just found out that I am pg with #2 -- at the same time SIL is experiencing an early miscarriage. I am thrilled to be pg, but the timing is certainly not ideal. :( I know I need to hold off on telling family for a little while, but I'm not sure how long I have before I start obviously "showing".

[jenahdawn]

Oooooo....That is NOT going to be easy. I do think you should tell her before you make any huge announcements. If she's caught off guard in front of others, she'll probably be very hurt and resentful. I'd also wait until after her m/c is (physically) over.

[jennylou]

I agree that you should tell your sister before a big announcement, or before it filters down to her.

I posted a bit about my situation with my niece, I finally did meet her about six months ago. I can finally see past the fact that she's Andrew's age, and just enjoy her as a little person. That's not to say that I don't have moments where it's like I get kicked in the chest because I see her doing something that Andrew would/should be doing. It's just easier now for me, in regards to her. That took two full years to be able to say that. I know your DD isn't yet two, and while we all go at different speeds, I'd say to still give your sil more time. One thing that certainly makes it easier for me is having such a joy in DD. If I still didn't have a rainbow baby, I'm sure it wouldn't be that easy to be around my niece, kwim?

[ShelbyMay]

Yes, I am definitely going to wait until the physical part of her miscarriage is over. I'm just not sure how long to wait, because I also don't want to end up telling her around Christmas. :(

[BridalLace]

congrats on #2! i'm happy to hear you are expecting, but sorry to hear your SIL is going through this again. i hope she has a successful pregnancy in her near future...

i would consider maybe telling her and everyone else on or around New Year's Day? kind of a celebratory time, but the holidays are almost over by then, and she won't have to dread putting on a public face for much longer at that point.

[ShelbyMay]

i would consider maybe telling her and everyone else on or around New Year's Day? kind of a celebratory time, but the holidays are almost over by then, and she won't have to dread putting on a public face for much longer at that point.

This is what I thought would be best. I am just worried I will already be obviously showing at the point since I was starting to show then last time.