Support for Ladies Who Have Miscarried (#2)

[sparkle&shine]

Well I read through this whole thread start to finish.

On Friday night I had a slight bit of spotting red. Really small kind of like a red string in my CM. I had some light spotting with my DS that happened on the same day with his PGcy so I kept my hopes up. Sat. Morning (I was 6 weeks 6 days. I hadn't even had an appt. yet) I woke up and posted about the spotting and I started feeling weird. I had slight cramping like when AF gets ready to show. That feeling like I had better go to the bathroom to check. I was playing with DS on the floor when I felt a warm gush so I quickly went to the bathroom where I saw that I was heavily bleeding. I was in shock. My mind did not register the pain. Just a 'well I am having a miscarriage' but like it wasn't happening to me. I passed a few clots and went and found DH to tell him what was happening. We of course cried and poor DS was confused. As I was in the bathroom (I feel like I spent the whole morning in there) my SIL called and told us that she was on her way to the hospital because she thinks her water broke. Long story short my SIL had her son and I was happy, truly happy, because I was so excited to meet my new nephew. We had already told family that we were expecting so at the hospital everyone kept asking how I was feeling and asking DS if he was ready for his new sibling. It was really hard but I didn't want to take the excitement away from SIL so we didn't say anything.

The next day I told my SIL - she told me that she thought I would have another boy because I was glowing :( I told her what had happened and she was really supportive. She helped me spread the news. I am okay when people comfort me but it is really hard to actually speak the words to tell people. Everyone has been great and I didn't get any comments that I found offensive.

This Friday is our 5 year anniversary and we have decided to leave DS with my mom and get a hotel in town. We are going to have a nice dinner and go out for drinks. I think it will be good for us.

I have a Doc. appt. on May 9th (it was my original appt. for PGcy) where they said they would take blood to check my levels and do an u/s to make sure that all was well. I guess we will see what he says about TTC again and go from there. I know that I am ready. I am actually taking it much better than I thought I would. I realize looking back now that I had a nagging sensation telling me that it wouldn't work out. I guess my body had already known.

[Annette]

Sparkle-{{{hugs}}} I'm glad your SIL was supportive. I still get choked up whenever I tell people. Hope all goes well at the doctor's.

[AliMC]

Sparkle - I am so sorry to read about your loss. I hope that your doctors appointment goes well, and I am thinking of you and your 5th Anniversary tonight.

It sounds like it was very hard for you to tell your SIL, and I am sure that you handled it with as much grace as a person can muster under these circumstances. {{{{{HUGS!}}}}}

[sparkle&shine]

Thanks Annette & AliMC.

I am very thankful that my SIL is so supportive. She has done very well breaking the news for me (since everyone has been visiting her at the hospital) so it kind of helps that I don't have to see peoples initial reactions. People just don't know what to say so they can say anything that stupidly comes to their mind to her first so that when they see me they just say sorry which works for me.

I am really looking forward to tonight. I am hoping that I can keep my mood up. Last night wasn't so good for me.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Sparkle.. hugs!!

Some nights aren't good for me either. My OB prescribed a heavy dose of Ambien (at DH's request) so when i feel anxious or upset like i am not going to sleep well, i take it and it knocks me out! Hang in there...

[Annette]

How is everyone doing?

This weekend marked the 2 month mark post m/c for me. I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly. It also sucks because I would have been finding out the baby's sex shortly.

[alootikki]

Sparkle - I'm so sorry for your loss :( Take care of yourself.

Annette - I know, the further I get out from the m/c the more unreal it seems (if that makes sense). It's hard when you hit those big milestones like the date to find out the sex - especially when you see your former due date group's signatures changing to reflect if it's a boy or girl. Hugs to you - hang in there!

[sparkle&shine]

I am hanging in here. Each day gets easier. We had a great anniversary!

I took a HPT this morning to see how light the line would be. I took one last Tues. and it was pretty dark. This morning it was very light. Almost to the point where I would have to hold it up in the light. I am really happy about that because it means that my body is taking care of itself. I have an appt. on Wed. so we will see what the OB has to say.

[Steve's Sweety]

I am sad to see so many new members here. :(

10.4.03 -
I am so sorry for your loss.

Ali -
I am so sorry for your loss.
How wonderful that you have had such great support in your family.

I still have not been able to let go of the 'why' even though I know I'll never have the answer.

tenofcups -
I am so sorry for your loss. I truly hope that you are someday able to have the healthy baby you desire.

Jenah -
If you haven't had anyone else offer, I will help with the thread.

sparkle -
I have already said this but I am so sorry for your loss.
You sound like you are doing quite well and I am amazed you were able to go to the hospital and hold it together.

Annette -
I remember that point, knowing I would have having my "big" u/s and it being hard. {{HUggSS}}
And I also am having an extra hard time seeing pregnant ladies with bellies out to where mine should be right now.


Nights: I took xanax and unisom for weeks.

--------------

Bleh. I am 8 days from my EDD today and each day since the beginning of the month has gotten a little harder. May used to be my favorite month and I had always wanted a May baby. Now instead, we are going to be laying our baby to rest when we should have been bringing him/her home.

My SIL has a new baby, my gf has a new baby, my neighbor has a new baby, and my friend who got PG just after me is getting ready to welcome her baby.
Very hard to deal with.

We went to memorial type service on Sun. The paper said it was for people who had experienced a loss, but it seemed like pretty much everyone else there had lost a further term baby. I felt such an incredible ache for them. As hard as it was to lose our baby, I can't imagine carrying longer and then having to go through it, or carrying to term and losing an infant.
It was a nice ceremony though.

I am always thinking of you ladies.

[Annette]

Tish-{{{Hugs}}} I know how you feel about ppl close to you having babies. SIL is having one this month, our friend is also having one shortly and my coworker just had one in March.
I can't imagine having a later loss either.
It was really hard shopping for mothers day cards since I kept coming across the mothers to be section.

[jenahdawn]

Tish, as someone who went through it "later"....I don't want you (or any of you) to ever know it.

Memorial Day, the Compassionate Friends group is having a ceremony for names engraved on a bench at a park, so we'll be there to hear Katie & Chloe's names read. Then we are going to go to the botanical gardens and see the brick (In Memory of Katie & Chloe) that the local girls got for them.

And I am dreading my first mother's day.....we're going to be planting flowers in front of the house with both grandmas. But I'm convinced no one will remember that I'm a mommy, too.

[jenahdawn]

Oh, I do have to say, we were at one of the girls' houses for a jewelry party tonight, and the local who had a boy when the girls would have been born was there, and it was still hard to see him, so I couldn't hold him. I have once, but it's just so hard. He's all smiley and chatty now.

But, another who's little boy is 5 weeks old was there, and I got lots of snuggly time. He was sleeping on me for quite a while doing the thing I was looking forward to so much, where they snuggle in, knees bent up under them and butt sticking out. (I have an easier time with him because he's a Rainbow Baby)

I know it's not logical, but it's the way that my mind is processing things.

[alootikki]

(((HUGS))) Tish, I know this month is a tough one for you. I am dreading July for the same reason. Glad the ceremony was a nice one for you.

Jenah, you are absolutely a mommy! People just don't get it...but you know you are.

[10.4.03]

I teared up reading through the recent posts. I'm thinking of all of you ladies this mother's day weekend.

I think I dealt with the m/c so much better at first. It's gotten harder instead of easier as time has passed. I'm not really sure why. It's taken me by surprise sometimes when I feel this sadness come on. It's been 3 weeks and my levels are done to 0 so I guess it's all done now. I'm just waiting for a cycle to start. The NP said I would bleed like a normal period 3-5 days after my levels were down to 0, but that hasn't happened yet. I have an appt. in a week so I guess I'll find out more then.

I never saw a doctor at my new OB practice, I've only dealt with the NP. The m/c happened a day before my first appt. Last week I got a call from one of the OBs in the practice that really took me by surprise. She called to say how sorry she was that I had m/c'd and how if I needed anything to call them anytime. It was incredibly comforting to hear that from the OB. She was kind and said "I promise you will have another baby". I burst into tears after we hung up, right at my desk.

steve's - I can only imagine how hard it is to approach your EDD. (((HUGS)))

sparkle - I'm so sorry for you loss. Reading your experience really reminded me of my own in this way "well I am having a miscarriage' but like it wasn't happening to me". That is exactly how I felt. What strength it must have taken to go to the hospital to see you SIL. It's great she has been such a support for you.

[Annette]

Jenah-You are definitely a mommy!

Tish-Hang in there. This year is flying so fast, it will be december before you know it!

10.4.03That's nice to hear the OB has been asking how you're doing. I didn't bleed 3-5 days after my levels went to 0. Are you charting? My cycles were normal post m/c.

Mother's day will be hard cause I don't feel like a mom and I am sure no one will remember that I would have been a mom-to-be, but I did carry a baby even though it was such a short amount of time.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Hi ladies, hugs to you all...
Happy Mother's Day to everyone.. I totally didn't feel like 'celebrating'. My mother insisted we come for brunch and i declined. She instead she insisted on coming to me!! ack!! so, i did what any annoyed daughter would do, i made reservations for brunch and sent an evite out and let my parents figure out the evite thing.
Tomorrow marks one month since my D&C. Last night i thought i felt like i had cramps but i guess i am jsut waiting for AF...i never thought i'd be looking forward to it. i just want my body to return to 'normal'. I hope everyone has good weekend.

[lilhimley]

I'll be thinking of you all this Mother's Day and remembering that we are all moms of angels.

[sparkle&shine]

Happy Mothers Day early everyone....I am sure that it will be tough for many. (((HUGS)))

I guess for me it is a little easier since I do have my DS. Luckily everyone in my family doesn't discount the miscarriage.


As far as going to the hospital to see my SIL. I was still in such a daze. I kept thinking that in a way we were both giving birth that day. She was in labor and so was I. I wasn't that far along but the cramps and feelings were very similar to my labor pains. I really was truly excited since I was so excited to meet my new nephew. I really didn't want that spoiled and the miscarriage didn't seem real to my heart yet. It of course wasn't the same as it would have been so much happier and exciting had everything been well. There was so much excitement and of course everyone was also excited for us and I didn't want to say anything right then.
It was much harder for me the next day. When we went to visit and I held him knowing that I would never get to hold my baby. Little things really got to me about how the baby would have been born in Dec. which is when my MIL's birthday is and how they would have had the same birthstone. Things like that.

I am really doing pretty well these days. I think if I didn't have my son I would be feeling much worse. My son gives me hope though because I know that we can have a healthy child and I know that my body can be pregnant. I do feel bad that any more PGcy's will be tainted though. I will of course be much more worried and not quite as naive going into it. I mean I knew that women had miscarriages. With how long I have been on these boards I even knew people that experienced them. I always knew that it was a possibility. I feel like my mind knew all along that this PGcy wouldn't work out. I had a book that was a PGcy journaling book where you are supposed to write in little tidbits like you waist size and how you are feeling each day. I just couldn't bring myself to write in it. I figured that I could always go back in and copy stuff out of my journal. I even PMed our threadmistress when one of our girls had a miscarriage to tell to her to put in a section called always in our thoughts. I remember thinking that I would want to be remembered. I also had a weird dream where I knew that the baby didn't make it. I think that is why I am doing much better than I thought I would. Like part of me already knew. It still isn't easy to tell your heart though.


I heard back from my OB yesterday and he said that my levels were back to zero. He told me that we didn't have to wait to try again. That is was just how we are feeling emotionally.

[sparkle&shine]

What Makes a Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother,
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother,
When you baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime.
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb.
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God.
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat.
And I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile,
With other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much.
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in my home,
And this is where they will stay.
They'll wait for you with me.
Until your lessons are through,
And on the day that you come home.
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise,
Until their time is done.
Remember all the love you have.
And know that you are a special Mom.

[Annette]

Thank you Sparkle for that. It brought tears to my eyes.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

[jenahdawn]

Posting this here, there and everywhere:

http://www.petitiononline.com/122468/petition.html

[kphillips4]

Sparkle - Thanks for the poem...it seriously brought tears to my eyes!
I am so sorry to see new members here. I am thinking of all of you.
I think that for me it seems to be difficult as time goes on as well. I keep thinking that I would be finding out the gender and such and it just makes it really hard. I lurked in the Oct 2007 mommies thread the other day just to check on everyone and it made me very sad to think of where I would have been in this pregnancy. Although, I of course am so happy to see everyone doing so well! My SIL was about 3 weeks behind me and I know that it is going to be hard to see that child and know that ours would have been right there around the same age. Anyways, just had to vent and I thought this was the best place! Hope you girls had a great Mother's Day!!! {{{HUGS}}}

[AliMC]

Sparkle, Thanks for the poem. Weepyness notwithstanding it was very sweet.

kphillips - We must have been on the same cycle. I can't bring myself to go anywhere near the Oct 2007 Mommies thread. I think it would just break my heart. But I am with you in that, in some ways, this is getting harder as time goes on.

We're back to TTCing and AF showed up on Saturday, which just made me feel so awful. I was hoping to have happy news for Mother's Day and instead I just felt more miserable and depressed than I have ever felt before. Even today I can barely think about it without tearing up. At no point during the last 18 months have I felt so low.

Anyways, I hope you all had better Mother's Days than I did. I am wishing you all the very best.

[Annette]

kphillips-I've been lurking in the Oct thread too. We would have been halfway done with our pregnancies by now.

Ali-{{{hugs}}}

Since most of us are now a few weeks/months past our losses, I know that we still think about it daily, but what about your DH's, do they still think about it, or have they healed?

For us, the emotional aspect was very different for us. I still think about it almost daily, but I think he's done with his grieving or he doesn't talk about it.

[jenahdawn]

Like me, he'll never fully heal.

Two nights ago, I looked over at him in bed and he had tears streaming down his face. It's been almost 8 months.

[tenofcups]

I was thinking of everyone on this thread over Mother's Day. I know it was a difficult day for me and I imagine a lot of others. It's been just 3 weeks since my miscarriage. Physically things really could not have gone easier for me -- a quick D&E, very little bleeding or cramping, almost immediate return to feeling normal physically, with the exceptio of the extra 6 or so pounds I'm still carrying.

Emotionally I've really been ok too. But mother's day was really difficult... knowing that this "should have been" a really joyous occasion as my first mother's day that I could really celebrate, being pregnant. My family is great and I know they knew it was difficult and tried to make it as easy as possible. Even -- or especially -- my 8-year-old niece, who I'm very close with. She doesn't usually give me a mother's day present (since I'm not her mom!), but this year she made me a special drawing as a present with a card, and just kept coming over and hugging me even far more than usual. She really is a great kid... :)

Dh, on the other hand, really let me down this time. A few months ago, before I was even pregnant, he made plans to be away for the weekend and I let him know at that time I was really unhappy with those plans since I really believe it's a family holiday. I kind of forgot about it till a few weeks ago when he said he was still going, and we've had ongoing tension about it. The whole situation is complicated and there are lots of factors, but in the end, I really felt kind of "deserted" by him. He didn't call till well into the evening and didn't seem to have any concept that it would have been a difficult day for me -- my 8-year-old niece knew but my husband didn't?

[jen]

I finally need to post in here and have a little pity party for myself.

I just had my 2nd m/c. Emotionally this was a lot harder for me than the first one (in January). After the first, I was sadder as time went on and people around me had babies or announced they were pregnant.

Today I feel like my heart has shattered. One of my oldest, dearest friends, just emailed me to tell me she is 9 weeks pregnant. I had told her on Friday that I was having another m/c. I love her to death, and I'm happy for her, but I feel like it was a crappy way to tell me. She said she wanted to tell me right away, since she's getting together with our friends tonight (I couldn't make it) and announcing it. I know she's excited to tell me, but really,, over email just days after I had a m/c?

It's going to be really hard this time around, as I see her every week..... the other announcements and such stung initially, but then it wore off since these people weren't so closely weaved in my daily life.

Ugh... I don't know what else to say... I just needed to get that off my chest to people who would understand.

I'm sorry you all are here.....I'm thinking of you.

[Annette]

jen-I am so sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}} Your friends seems a bit insensitive. I hope she acknowledged your loss at least.

ten-Thats so sweet of your niece. Sorry that your DH let you down.

jenah-Your post made me cry. {{{hugs}}}

me: I'm feeling a little down. I hate seeing all the pregnant women at work and this week is really hard since I would have been 19 weeks along. Plus my SIL is due any day now. I was thinking of travelling with DH to see them while he is on his business trip, but because of logistical issues I'm probably not going and I think it will be too difficult for me anyway to see my nephew and not bawl.

[Mrs.Chappy]

jen hugs.

Just popping in to report that just a month after my d&c i got AF. I am so happy to have it b/c it gives me a little control knowing what my body is doing. Its heavy though. Anyway, i too go back to the nov and oct 07 threads and think about where i would be. This just isn't easy. I was bawling on saturday night to DH about everything. obviously on top of me being upset, my AF hormones were going nuts too.

My OB said we have to wait two periods to try and conceive again if we wanted to get pregnant right away. I still don't know where i stand on that.

[sparkle&shine]

Jen ~ Wow, I am so sorry about your friend. I can understand why she did it but wow what a sting. I know that I handled my nephews birth okay but honestly if someone tells me that they are PG that will kill me. I just know it. (((HUGS)))

Annette ~ I am sorry that you are feeling down. Don't feel bad if you can't make it out to see your nephew yet. I would hope that your SIL will understand.

Mrs.Chappy ~ I am glad that you got AF back so that you know that your body is doing it's thing. My miscarriage was natural so my Doc. said that I didn't have to wait. I am wondering if they want you to wait because you had the d&c. I know that a lot of it is to give time for emotional healing. I am sure that some people want to try right away while others really aren't ready. I am sure that you will find out what you guys want to do if you search your hearts.


(((BIG HUGS))) to all.

[Mrs.Chappy]

sparkle my ob said i should wait for my uterus to completely return to normal size (though something tells me he tells that to his pts so they can recover emotionally). I honestly cannot imagine jumping right into TTC yet.

[kphillips4]

jen - I am so sorry to see you here. {{{HUGS}}}
sparkle - I had a DNC and my OB said to wait one cycle. I guess it's just when the timing is right emotionally.
MrsChappy - I have been wondering how you were doing. I got AF exactly a month after my MC, I thought that was so weird that it was so exact. I was just happy to know that my body was back to normal.
Thinking of all of you!!!

[Mrs.Chappy]

kim, i pm'd you a while back (i never look at my inbox
either). :)

[jen]

thanks for the hugs girls.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Last night i had dinner with my 'mommy' friends. We are a group of women who met at a support circle when our children (first borns) were three months old. We turned it into a weekly playgroup. While many of us have returned to work (me part time) our playgroup has dwindled to 4. But, every month we all meet up and have dinner out, just the moms. One mommy went on to have another baby (her kids are just 16 months apart). Two more are pregnant, very pregnant. One talks constantly about how by such and such a month she will be pregnant..yada..um...you never know what will be but i understand her positive thinking. I was so uncomfortable the entire dinner as they talked of their pregnancies, we recounted our labors, yada yada. The converstation turned to miscarriages and i said nothing. They all know that i have just gone through this. It was uncomfortable to say the least. Meanwhile, my closest 'mommy' friend apologized for all the pregnancy conversation while we were waiting for our cars, just the two of us. I told her it didn't bother me. But when i got home, i told DH that it really did. Anyway, life is hard like that. I am thankful for DS but its hard being surrounded by 'stuff'. ya know??i anyway, i thought i'd post.

[Steve's Sweety]

aloo -
Thank you.
I hope that you have lots of things over the summer to help keep you busy, but I won't lie, it is hard.

jen -
I am so sorry for your loss, and for your inconsiderate friend.


DH's reaction now - He says he still feels the loss but not the same way I do and that he doesn't think about it as much.

[AliMC]

Mrs Chappy - Oh that sounds like such a bummer of an evening! I can identify with your trying to be strong by telling your friend that it didn't really bother you, even though it did. I've done the same thing with friends and family members, putting a brave face on my broken feelings but every once in a while it is just too much.

Jen - So sorry to see you here. And what an awful way for your friend to treat you! I know it's a struggle for people to know the 'right' thing to say or do in these situations, but to e-mail you was totally out there!

Annette - This whole week I have been feeling really down, so I really feel for you. I hope that you are feeling at least a little bit better.

Steve's Sweety - My DH is in a similar place I think. He recognizes that the whole thing is just a lot harder on me than him. I appreciate his strength, in one sense, and I don't want to wish sadness on him, but it's hard to have him - along with other important people in my life - act like we're all just moving on now... like things are business as usual. I mean, it's only been two months.

That said, this has just been a really crap week for me emotionally. I am not weeping at my desk anymore - like I was on Monday - but I still feel myself constantly getting choked up. Maybe it's the hormones (I am back on clomid), or a delayed reaction the the miscarriage, but I definitely think I feel sadder, more defeated, now than I did when it first happened.

Hopefully a weekend alone with DH will cure me of all this malaise. Though he has a bachelor party to attend tonight, which I am less than psyched about. So my weekend alone with him probably won't start until noon tomorrow...

[Annette]

but it's hard to have him - along with other important people in my life - act like we're all just moving on now... like things are business as usual. I mean, it's only been two months.

Same goes for me....



That said, this has just been a really crap week for me emotionally. I am not weeping at my desk anymore - like I was on Monday - but I still feel myself constantly getting choked up. Maybe it's the hormones (I am back on clomid), or a delayed reaction the the miscarriage, but I definitely think I feel sadder, more defeated, now than I did when it first happened.

This week was hard for me too! I told DH I was still sad and I don't think he gets why. Maybe he thinks I should be over it by now. I don't think this is something I will ever go away. I don't know why I was more emotional this week, maybe it's because I would have been 20 weeks now.

mrs chappy-I would have felt uncomfortable in your situation as well.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

[MrsCantDecide]

Count me in on this thread...
Had miscarriage #3 this weekend. I was so optimistic too, so it's an even worse blow. Next time I guess I'll be less optimistic. :(

MrsCantDecide (MCD)
Name:Stefani, 29
DH:Shane, 32
Married: 5/4/02
M/C #1: 5 weeks, 11/06
M/C #2: 6w4d, 3/18/07
M/C #3: 4w3d 5/18/07
TTC: Now
DS: Lucas Wayne, 3/5/06

[Ferris]

Count me in on this thread too...

I miscarried yesterday, which was my DS 2nd b-day!

Ferris
Name:Kim, 30
DH:Brian, 31
Married: 7/13/02
M/C: 4w3d, 5/21/07
TTC: Now
DS: Douglas, 5/21/05

Since it was so early on in the pregnancy and my HcG levels were not high, we are going to start TTC again right away (cleared by my nurse)!

I have a question. When would I consider the first day of my new cycle. Would it be the day I started bleeding?

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

A sad welcome to our new members.

[Annette]

MCD & Ferris-I'm so sorry for both of your losses. {{{hugs}}}

First day is the day you started bleeding.

[Mrs.Chappy]

MCD hugs to you..
Ferris: i'm sorry to see you here too. i am a June 2005 mommy and i m/c in April at 9 weeks..i haven't been posting too much in the june or may/june 05 thread.

[sparkle&shine]

MCD ~ I am so sorry for your loss :( {{{HUGS}}}

Ferris ~ I am so sorry for your loss :( {{{HUGS}}} I was also cleared by my Dr. to go ahead and TTC and not wait if I didn't want to. This cycle has been quite wacky but it does seem that I may have Oed.


Big Hugs for everyone.

[DisneyGirl]

ferris A fellow may05 momma here just wanting to stop in here to say that I am very sorry to to hear about your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts. ((BIG HUGS))

[sparkle&shine]

I am so PISSED off right now. I just want to yell, scream, and cry.

My friend just emailed me - 'Guess who's PG'. Sure enough DH's cousin is PG. She is unmarried has 2 kids already by 2 different fathers. We don't know if it's baby daddy #2 that she got PG with again or if it's on to father #3. Knowing my luck she will be due in Dec. also :( There is always someone PG in DH's family and it was supposed to be me. I was the PG one. I wanted to be PG again so it could be me. It is so not fair. I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.

How is it that people who don't even want/aren't trying for kids can get PG so easily when there are so many struggling here. It just makes me so angry.

[Ferris]

Annette Thanks

Mrs.Chappy I have noticed you haven't been around the other thread. I am so sorry you are having to go through this as well.

sparkle&shineOh, I am so sorry you have to go through that with your DH family. It sucks even worse when family members are pregnant and you aren't. It always seems as though people who shouldn't be parents are, and people who would be wonderful parents can't. My sister is pregnant right now with her second and I am happy for her, but jealous as well. {{{HUGS}}} to you!!

DisneyGirl Thanks for your thoughts and well wishes. I have been horrible about posting in the may/june thread, it just moves so fast for me!

[Annette]

Tish-Just wanted to say I am thinking of you since I know your due date was this week. Hope you are okay.

sparkle-I am too finding it really hard to be happy about ppl I know being pg. It is unfair. I have a cousin that has two kids from two fathers as well. But look on the bright side, you are happily married and have a DH that will stick by you no matter what.

ferris-My SIL is due any day now with her 2nd and while I'm happy for her, I am jealous too.

[sparkle&shine]

sparkle-I am too finding it really hard to be happy about ppl I know being pg. It is unfair. I have a cousin that has two kids from two fathers as well. But look on the bright side, you are happily married and have a DH that will stick by you no matter what.



This is the point I am at now. I talked to my SIL and she did put it into a bit of perspective. She has never had joy in finding out that she is PG and will never know it. She has never been able to shout it from the rooftops and have a partner to go through it with.

I am blessed to have a great DH and was able to shout from the rooftops that I was PG and have everyone happy. I had great feelings and energy surrounding being PG and she was probably just as jealous of me as I am now of her. She probably even feels a bit guilty.

So I am in a better place now. Luckily my friend that told me was sweet about it and mentioned something about how she has already started knitting a blanket for a future baby that she is hopeful we will be blessed with. :)

[Annette]

I am blessed to have a great DH and was able to shout from the rooftops that I was PG and have everyone happy. I had great feelings and energy surrounding being PG..

Me too! I was sooo excited when I got my BFP and I just wanted to tell everyone.

sparkleThats so sweet of your friend to knit a blanket for your future baby.

[Annette]

My SIL had a baby boy yesterday. I'm happy for her but I don't feel as excited as when her first one was born. The first one was born waaaay before we started trying. I feel like those feelings of emptiness are coming back again. Ugh.

[Ferris]

Annette Congrats to your SIL, and I am so sorry that caused your feeling to resurface. That is natural, so don't feel guilty about feeling that way either.

[Annette]

Ferris-Thanks! I am feeling better today. Its so weird how some days I can be so bummed out and other days I feel okay.

[Ferris]

Annette I know what you mean.

Sinus Infection This is probably a stupid question, but is it normal or a coincidence that I have a really bad stuffy nose after my miscarriage. With my DS I always had a sinus problem, but after my miscarriage I now have a lot of colored discharge, like my body is fighting a virus. Do you all think that it's just a cold or something I should ask the doctor about?

[Mrs.Chappy]

hi ladies..
i'm sitting here at work bawling... i swear, i was fine..
i have a light schedule this afternoon and finally called my OB. I never got the Chromosomal report back from th D&C and the MD never called me. So i called and the hospital never sent it...the office manager from my OB (so nice and was holding my hand the day i found out) called back and said the report showed a missing X chromosome, a common finding in spontaneous abortion. She said that's my answer on why i miscarried which is a good thing b/c not everyone finds out. I called DH (who was in a meeting just to let him know) and i started crying at the end of the conversation...i thought i was ok...
anyway, DH told me this past weekend that he wanted to try again...(we were initially told to wait for two periods). My OB said today that we can try again now since AF already came once which leads me to believe that he initially said that for emotional reasons for our sake. Anyway, i suspect we will at least wait until next month anyway..i'm taking swimming w/ DS and he constantly kicks me in the uterus so i'll avoid everything at all costs...

thanks for listening....going to google everything.

[sparkle&shine]

Mrs.Chappy ~ I am glad that you got an answer. I can understand wanting to wait so that you won't worry during swim lessons. There is enough to worry about. It's nice to know that when you do want to try again that you were cleared by your doctor. I am sure that talking to your Dr. brought back so many feelings that I am not surprised that you cried. It's a lot emotionally to handle. {{{HUGS}}}

[Annette]

Mrs. Chappy-I am glad you were able to find out the cause of your m/c. I can understand it being very emotional though. I still have trouble keeping it together when I tell ppl. Thats good that your OB gave you the go ahead to try again.

[Ferris]

Mrs. Chappy I am Glad that you were able to find out the reason for your m/c. You can stop thinking/worrying that it was something you did.

baby aspirin I have been hearing all these people talking about baby aspirin and was wondering the reason. Is it for blood clots when pregnant? Does it cause any side affects? Are you supposed to take it the whole pregnancy?

[ThreeYell]

I'm pretty numb right now. I just got back from the doctor and found out that, though I would have been 15 weeks tomorrow, the baby died almost 2 weeks ago. I'm hoping to get scheduled for a D&E by the end of the week. The doctor said I'd be admitted to the hospital overnight for cytotec and if that didn't do it on it's own, I'd have a D&E in the morning.

I'm totally overwhelmed. Has anyone had that procedure? I have no idea what to expect and I'm scared. I can't bring myself to google it right now to find out more.

[alootikki]

Oh no, ThreeYell, I am so, so sorry. (((HUGS))) I had a D&C at 8 weeks, so not familiar with the cytotec. Ugh - I'm so sorry - like this isn't hard enough on you without having to worry about the physical process! Thinking about you...

[alootikki]

On baby aspirin - I think it does help with clotting disorders. I don't think I have clotting issues, but I asked my RE about taking it as a safeguard. He doesn't see any harm in taking it (after ovulation), so now I'm taking 81 mg (baby aspirin).

[Mrs.Chappy]

Hugs ThreeYell...I don't know what the difference between D&C and D&E is...i had a D&C at 9 weeks. My heart is breaking for you and your family. Please keep in touch with how you are doing...

[sparkle&shine]

I am so sorry for your loss ThreeYell. :( I'm sorry I can't anwer your question. {{{HUGS}}}

[jeggink]

ThreeYell I am so sorry for your loss :(.

I can probably answer your question. I have had 2 D&E's and they are done under anestesia. They give you an IV, bring you to an OR, put you to sleep and you wake up once it's over. Basically they dialte your cervix and remove everything inside your uterus with a suction device (sorry if I am being blunt, it's hard to explain). They can send the tissue out for genetic analysis, but you need to specifically request it, otherwise it just goes to pathology and they can't tell you much. This is usually an outpatient procedure. There is minimal bleeding and pain after this.

With the cytotec, they place 1-2 tablets right near your cervix and it causes you to go into labor. You will feel cramping and feel contractions, but you won't have to dialate to far before the baby can come out as it is still small. At that point if this works, you can decide if you want to see your baby. With the D&E you don't see your baby. If you want genetic analysis done, they usually take a tissue sample right there or some cord blood. You may have the option to take your baby home for burial if that is what you want. make sure to ask for it if necessary, it is your baby! You will bleed after the procedure, longer than a period. There is a chance that using this method the placenta doesn't come out where you would need a D&E afterwards to get it out. I did have this problem with my daughter, but only 3 weeks later. It is painful to retain placenta.

I hope it helps a little having some information. I feel for you and am thinking of you and all the other ladies here :(. It is such a hard palce to be.

[ThreeYell]

Thank you so much everyone. Jeggink, thank you. That's exactly what I was looking for. I'm so sorry you've had the experience but right now it makes me feel better to hear from people who've been there. I already talked to my doctor about genetic testing and will reiterate that request. I really want to find out what happened.

[Ferris]

Oh no ThreeYell I am so sorry for your loss.

[Annette]

ThreeYell-I am so sorry for your loss! We are all here if you need to talk.

[AliMC]

ThreeYell - I too am so sorry for your loss. There just aren't really words to express how terribly I feel for what you are going through. I am thinking of you and all the other ladies here.

[jen]

I'm so sorry ThreeYell... take care.

[ThreeYell]

We're meeting my doctor at her office at 5:30 tonight to sign consents then she'll walk us over to the hospital to get admitted. I'll have the cytotec all night and then a D&E in the morning if necessary. She's already talked to anesthesia to make sure I'm getting the good drugs - pain killers plus ativan or valium so I'm as out of it as possible for the whole thing. That's what I want. I wish I they would have started those the second I found out we lost the baby.

I'm scared of tonight but looking forward to the morning when this will be over.

[jeggink]

ThreeYell Wishing the best for you this evening, I know how tough it will be. It may take a good while for the cytotec to start working, but I hope it goes fast for you like it did for me! HUGS!

[sparkle&shine]

ThreeYell ~ I am wishing you the best for this evening. I can't imagine how hard it will be for you. {{{Hugs}}}

[GlamaGal]

GlamaGal
Name: Lori, 31
DH: Kevin, 43
Married: 10.11.03
DD: 11/27/05
M/C: June 5, 2007
TTC: absolutely

I keep lurking between this thread and the TTC after a loss. I kept going back and forth, "where do I belong?" Then I started getting emotional about it all, and I decided I belonged over here because I need to deal with this first. I feel stupid for being upset when others have had a greater loss than me (farther along, etc.). Then, I think, no, you deserve to be upset. I've had a week+ to be excited about this baby and I've been trying for a year to get PG. I'm already a mom and I knew exactly what I was getting this time and I'm pissed I'm not getting it. I have a DD (18 mos.). Thank God for her because if I need cheering up, I just pick her up or go stare at her in her crib. She is so perfect and it makes it harder because I just want two more of that perfectness. I feel like my uterus is at odds with me 75% of the time. I also feel like my OBGYN could use a little more bedside manner.
I started spotting Monday (of course, after DH excitedly told like half of our neighborhood and friends after a few cocktails this past weekend- this is another source of stress at this point) and wasn't too worried because it was dark brown, and I spotted for 7 days with DD before I even knew I was pregnant. By Tuesday afternoon, it had become clear to me something was different (it wasn't a regular AF or implantation). Finally, I woke up yesterday and called my OBGYN. They wanted to see me straightaway. Vaginal u/s showed no fetus but she said it could be too early (huh?, whatever). Got blood drawn and will get blood drawn tomorrow to compare the HCGH. This is to see if in fact I am still PG or m/c. I know I am not, but fine, check the blood. As I just hear this news that she "thinks it is very likely I have miscarried" she says "do you have any questions for me?" (she says this like if I didn't have any, she would have just handed me the checkout slip and departed like she just changed my oil). I can't talk, tears streaming down my cheeks, mouth clamped, wishing DH was there to fill in the blanks. So she passes the tissue box to me and starts with the "it's completely ok to feel guilt, depression, etc., and you didn't do anything wrong to cause this" and says "this m/c means nothing to her medically" because I will be able to get PG again. I say, "but this took us so long to get PG". She said "I am not at all concerned it took you a year to get PG." WHAT? My DH is 43, lady. I am 31 and want two more before the dreaded 35 threshold. C'mon. DD needs playmates. I feel so out of control. I am so ticked. I can't cry anymore or rather I am avoiding it. My mom surprised me and drove 1 1/2 hr. to see us today. That made me smile. I feel alone. I feel my doctor is not on my side to help me get PG or talk me through this m/c. If the HCGH level has dropped and that reveals what I think, m/c, do I think anyone from her office will want to talk to me about why, next steps, am I okay, etc.? No. Am I being irrational? I am at the stage where I just want to be PG again to feel better. It's not a puppy though. Thanks for letting me vent.

[sparkle&shine]

Lori ~ I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are grieving your loss. As soon as you see 2 lines pop up you begin to have hopes and dreams for that baby. Only to have them taken away. I won't lie - untelling is very difficult. There are so many emotions that go along with it. I am so sorry that your OB wasn't more supportive. This may be a good time to think about finding a new care provider (after your levels are tracked back down).

Has the miscarriage occured yet? You mentioned brown blood but did it finally go red? I am asking because until your betas are high enough sometimes the baby won't show on u/s. I don't want to get you hopes up but it wasn't clear to me.

[Annette]

Glamagal-I am so sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve. We told a lot of ppl too and I had to have DH tell them about the loss since I couldn't hold it together. Can you get a referral to an RE since it took a year to get pg? {{{hugs}}}

threeyell-Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.

[GlamaGal]

It did turn bright red and still is, and there were smaller clots, possibly "tissue" (some weird things) a few days ago, so I am pretty sure it is m/c. Today is #2 blood test to determine for sure. I think I will find another ob/gyn. I have been a patient for 13 years (ever since college freshman) so you'd think she'd know me by now, enough to comfort me more. For several years I was in there quarterly, for colposcopy issues, let alone all the time with my DD during PG.

Thanks for letting me vent. I think I'll have more closure after today. Maybe more questions though. I'm glad I have a place to come online.

[kphillips4]

ThreeYell- I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you are doing alright and that the procedure went ok last night. My loss was earlier than yours and I can't imagine how you are feeling. Please know that this is a wonderful place for support during this difficult time. (((HUGS)))
GlamaGal - You are in no way being irrational. You are grieving a great loss. I completely relate with you saying "I just want two more of that perfectness" b/c this is exactly how I feel. My daughter will be 2 in a few days and I can't help but look at her and think how badly I want just one more. My heart goes out to you and we are all here to help you through this tragic time. (((HUGS)))

[jen]

I'm sorry GlamaGal.
My OB was very nonchalant about both my m/c's. It's frustrating.... because it's hard for me to view this as "normal". It's scary! I think - shouldn't they have tested the tissue? How many more do I have to have before I know why? But other times I think - wait, maybe this is normal and I will get pregnant soon and it will last 40 weeks!

But because everyone tells me this is "normal" makes it hard to know how much I can grieve... and for how long. Usually when any traumatic event occurs, I appear very strong during and immediately after.... I have to be or I'd never get through it. Therefore, people assume I'm "fine", "over it". But weeks, months, years later, is when I fall apart... and it's hard for me to ask for support at that point. I haven't posted a lot in this thread, but knowing I can, and reading along, is so helpful.

Take care of yourself and I hope this is just "normal" and you will find yourself with another child in your arms soon! I too found I was able to relax a little more after all the blood tests were done and I knew that the pregnancy was officially over.... closure is a good thing.

[sparkle&shine]

ThreeYell ~ I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping that you are doing well physically. {{{HUGS}}}

[Annette]

Bumping thread up for akacharlotte.

[ThreeYell]

I'm sorry, GlamaGal.

Thank youu all for your words of support. I just got back from the hospital. We were there 24 hours. The cytotec worked pretty much completely on its own and the drugs they gave me really knocked me out. But not quite enough.

Before, I was so focused on making the decision about cytotec v. D&E that I didn't have the energy to be sad. Now I'm falling apart. Please tell me this is going to get better.

[Annette]

threeyell-How are you doing? It will get better, just give yourself time. Lean on your DH and your family for support.

me: So we went to Babies R Us yesterday to find a gift for our nephew and while I was okay in the store, later on after we got home I broke down crying. At this point we would have probably started going there to get stuff for the nursery. It's not fair!

[ThreeYell]

I don't know how I'm doing, Annette, but thanks for asking. One minute I'm relatively fine and the next I'm sobbing. Guess that's pretty normal, huh? My milk is coming in a little today. I didn't think it would happen for a miscarriage in the second trimester but technically I gave birth, so I guess this is part of it too. It sucks.

I keep reading the TTC after a loss thread. I wish I could fast forward my life to AF arriving and feeling like I'm past this, at least physically. A good friend of mine is an OB and she told me that there really isn't a rule about how soon you can start trying again. I'm glad because the thought of trying again is about the only happy thing I can think of right now.

[jeggink]

Threeyell Glad it went well, even though I know it was hard. One thing I did to help me heal, I wrote Kaylas birth story. It really helped me remember her and I read it frequently. It helps me remember details that I may not remember down the road. With your milk, just wear tight bras and if it gets bad I found a little time in a hot shower did help me a lot. You can also try cabbage leaves in your bra. They are supposed to help, but never did with me. It took about 3 days for the bad engorgement to go away but several months for no milk to be there. It will get better, trust me it will. You will never forget but it will get easier. Lots of HUGS!

As for trying again, physically your body will recover quickly, but wait till you are mentally ready.

[docoNY]

I am 'new' here and haven't read thru all the pages but wanted to say
ThreeYell I am so sorry for your loss

and too everyone else - sorry I can't remember everyones names.. kind of in a fog

me - I was 9wks 5 days and found out yesterday that there is no h/b and measuring 6 wks so I have to have a D&C Fri.. yesterday I was a mess.. today I am surviving better

I was up in the wee hrs of the am and this thread helped answer some questions I had so I really appreciate this thread and I am sure I will need you as the days go bye

off to bury myself in work so I can get through today

[GlamaGal]

ThreeYell- I am thinking of you and sending big virtual hugs. No one has the right things to say, as I'm sure you know.

docoNY- I am so sorry to hear your story. Somehow, being on here I feel more support, and more liable to be honest and take the advice I read, than IRL. Please know we are all here for you no matter what you want to say. You'll have every emotion dealing with this. Please message if you want to talk. I found the nighttime most difficult, when my DH was asleep and I couldn't because of my emotions. Then I would be mad at him for not knowing I probably needed to talk or just cry.

As for me, I've gotten to the acceptance stage. The blood tests confirmed my m/c. It helps so much to have my DD to pick up and hold. She takes all my tears away. I'm looking "up" and thinking "up" and I refuse to let any negative fears or feelings in. There are more babies in my future. I will not think otherwise.

I just wanted to add that I hate when people say, "it was for the best", or, "well, maybe there was something wrong with that one" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". I will never say these things to anyone. I will just listen and offer my company or my assistance with anything they need.

I am thinking of all of you girls and keeping you in my prayers.

[docoNY]

As for me, I've gotten to the acceptance stage. The blood tests confirmed my m/c. It helps so much to have my DD to pick up and hold. She takes all my tears away. I'm looking "up" and thinking "up" and I refuse to let any negative fears or feelings in. There are more babies in my future. I will not think otherwise.

I was very upset yesterday initially.. it took us 10 months of TTC to get pg and with my age and DH's age (37/40) we were beyond thrilled.. the age issue was huge with me last night but I am a tid bit better today and like you said it helps to have a DD to cuddle

[GlamaGal]

docoNY I understand completely. DH just turned 43 and I just turned 31. I'd love to have these kiddos soon! My doctor said, and stressed, that having a m/c is a 1 in 3 chance and that it shows her that I can get PG. So that is the positive that I am dwelling on. I am trying not to obsess about getting PG this next O. I know how it feels to want to complete your family. With the age thing, just remember so many people are waiting until late 30s early 40s to start a family. I have so many friends who are 1st time moms at 39, 41, etc.

My DH told my SIL yesterday about the m/c, she told him that she had one in between my niece and nephew. That makes me feel more "normal" and gives me hope. Also, our neighbors confided they had 3 in a row before their 2nd or 3rd child.

Hang in there.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Doco..this is a good support network. i too lost the pregnancy at around 10 weeks..the baby measured 8w4d..my D&C was sched for that thurs..i found out on a monday. I had seen the HB several times and i guess my biggest emotion was disbelief..The emotional is harder than the physical..hugs to you. its not easy and no one should have to go through this. please know that we are all here for you.

[alootikki]

Oh docony, I am so so sorry to see you in here! :( Hang in there until Friday...thinking about you and sending you ((hugs)).

Glamagal, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I wanted to strangle everyone who said "it was for the best" - and so many people said it!

ThreeYell - how are you doing? I am so sorry you have to deal with these physical reminders; as if the emotional part isnt' hard enough. Thinking of you.

Annette, it is absolutely not fair! I have an irrational dislike of everyone who is due in my month :rolleyes: It's awful how it just sneaks up on you sometimes, when you think you're ok.

[AliMC]

Doco - I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it feels after trying for so long. We'd been TTCing for a year solid when I got my BFP, but at eight weeks I miscarried. I'm 33 and now we've been at it for 18 months... and I just feel like time is slipping through my fingers.

I'm glad for you that your DD was there to give you hugs and, I hope, some faith in your body's ability to carry a child. You're in my thoughts.

GlamaGal - I think it's great that your doctor could put a positive spin on this for you. I try to think of my miscarriage that way - easier some days than others, but still... It does also help to know someone IRL who can put the loss in the perspective of their successes. Keep up the positive attitude! Can you make some of it rub off?

ThreeYell - I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you are getting the comfort and support that you need. Please join us in the TTCing After a Loss thread as soon as you like!

Me - Oh, I am just super weepy all the time, but I like to blame the drugs I'm on. I fantasize that this will all be easier when I am pregnant again.

[jen]

damn it docoNY... I'm so sorry to see you here!!!

Hope everyone is doing okay.....

[Sand]

Doco,ThreeYell, and Glamagal - I'm so sorry. I hope you can find some peace. I'll be thinking of you. This thread is so helpful if you want to vent, cry, simply commiserate, or get some answers!

D, if you ever want to chat, you know where I am!

[Annette]

How is everyone?

[GlamaGal]

I think we've been through the last of our friends who needed informed "otherwise". That was hard. DH missed a few, and so they were over last weekend and asked "how I was feeling?". I was dumbstruck. I didn't want to hurt their feelings (as I've never had that happen to me and would be mortified), but then DH whispers something to the effect of "we lost the baby". SO then I had to glorify it all and say, "oh, I'm ok with it now", which is partially true if I don't think about it too much.

I am in my two week wait right now TTC. I'm trying to think positive, but I know if I get a BFN I'll be sad. I just hope I don't crumble, but, rather I look forward to the next two week wait and think maybe it'll happen. I definitely need/want to get PG again. I'll just admit it! I think I'm flying on the "you could be more fertile after a m/c"...which may or may not be true but I'm spinning it so that it is. We'll see. What would really suck is if January/February comes around and I'm still not PG. That would have been the birth time. I'm avoiding thinking about it. I hope everyone else is doing ok. I just keep busy with DD, cleaning, baking, cooking, going to the pool, and everything else domesticated.

[firefly]

GlamaGal
I was due in August. it's sucking big time. (because I'm not pregnant) I've pretty much given up hope of getting pg again without assistance.

But with my first two (born) children They were both concieved following a m/c. the first was literally the one time we had sex in a 6 week period . then I had 3 m/c and concieved my 2nd dd the second month following my last m/c i was sure I was going to m/c her too I bled the entire first trimester. but she's here and man is she a bundle of energy.

So I don't know what I'm trying to tell you but *fingers and toes* crossed for you;)

[docoNY]

my shout outs from last week.. finally up for posting :)

glamgal
we have a lot in common I am hanging onto the 'I have now gotten pg 2x so I am not broken' hope and I am also hanging onto the 'most fertile after a m/c' thought too.. not that we are TTC yet but we will be and I am keeping busy

Mrs Chappy I am sorry for you loss.. seeing the hb and then losing the baby must have been horrible! And yest the emotional is worse than the physical

alootikki
thanks - I got thru Fri and have recovered but just going thru a range of emotions everyday

AliMC I am sorry for your loss & what you have been through to get there

I read old pages over the weekend and we have friends in common - 10.4.03, beebeck.. I was in jj's group home with them and sand and on lj

jen damnit is a good way of phrasing it :)

sand thanks - I appreciate it!

Annette its Friday so that is very good news!

me well its been 10 days now and 1 wk since the d&c and I am hanging on - by a thread sometimes and ok other times and I know its going to be a process

I physically started feeling fully ok on Wed.. last night I went for a walk all over Brooklyn and I always feel better after walking & have to try and get out at least 1x a week - its tough with working full time and DD and keeping a house in some what order to remember 'me' but its my #1 goal

we have told my siblings and DH's sister & mom knows - not sure about his brother yet.. DH's sister has gone thru 2 so we had a good chat yesterday.

We had a family dinner on Sun at my brother's and it was timed perfectly.. got me out of the house & we actually had some good laughs and a few tears but I have an image of DD dancing with my brother that was so entertaining that I have to laugh when I think of it

I also went back to my acupuncturist today and had a good session.. feel pretty relaxed after. I am going to wait and go again in 2 weeks. When we start TTC again I will probably go 1x a week but I am paying out of pocket so missing some now is better for my wallet.

I have my follow up doc visit on Thu and basically we are just keeping busy.

We are having a weekend off next weekend - my parents are going to mind DD and we will vacation in NYC and really looking forward to it - we don't get out much lately & if we do its in Brooklyn

And then we have DD's 2nd bday family party to organize and my h.s. 20th reunion and hopefully we will be able to get on the TTC wagon after all that. I am on 4 wk pelvic rest so hopefully keeping busy will make that fly.

My neighbor has a 2 month old and I couldn't look at him when I ran into them this morning and I feel myself withdrawing.. I skipped DD's last music class Sun and I skipped my mom's group dinner Wed.. I am not into making small talk at the moment :)

and I was mad at the world yesterday between stupid clients and someone double parking my car in so emotionally I am all over the place but like I said - hanging on..

anyway I work from home and on the late shift (12n-8p) today and need to get some work done

hope everyone has a decent weekend

[strawberry4]

Hi Everyone....

I miscarried last week at 7w3d. I had an ectopic pregnancy. It was by far the worst pain I have ever been in my life. I was feeding DS his breakfast about 6:30 when I started having these painful cramps. I thought I was getting the flu that my DH had. I did what I could to get DS ready and told DH to take him to daycare and I was staying home sick. I felt like I was constipated and having terrible intestinal cramps. I was not bleeding at all.

DH kept trying to call me around lunch time but the phone was in the other room and I was in so much pain that I could not get up off the bed. It never occurred to me that there was something seriously wrong. At one point, i looked down at my forearm and it was beading sweat. Well, luckily, DH came home to check on me around 2:30 or 3:00. He wanted to take me to the ER, but everytime I got up to walk to the bathroom, I would pass out. So, he called an ambulance finally because I just kept passing out everytime I stood up. When they got there, I guess I was very pale, cold and clammy (in shock). I heard one of the paramedics say that they could not find my blood pressure. That is when DH realized this was more serious than the stomach flu.

When I got to the hospital, they stabilized me with fluids and that helped a bit. They took me upstairs for an ultrasound and I could tell from the tech's face that something was very wrong. Apparently, there was a lot of blood in my abdomen and that was causing all of the pain. The OB on call showed up shortly after and told me that it was ectopic and she would have to do surgery and probably remove my fallopian tube. At one point the nurse asked me if I wanted morphine for the pain - I told her no, that I did not want to hurt the baby. She just looked at me and said she understood and asked me if there was anything else she could do for me. I was so delirious from the pain that I did not even realize that it did not matter if I had morphine at this point - the baby had probably died already because my tube had already ruptured.

They moved pretty quickly and surgery was within the hour. DH had to leave to pick DS up from daycare before they closed, so I did not get to see him when they took me up to surgery. He was there when I woke up though (he called his parents to come down to watch DS). I was in the hospital until 9pm the next night. I ended up getting 3 units of blood that next day after the surgery because I lost so much blood.

It feels so good just to type this out and "talk" about it. Not once did someone in the hospital ever ask me how I was doing emotionally or say that they were sorry. that really bothers me. no one ever offered to have someone come talk to me. It was like, don't bring up the miscarriage to the lady in 509, she is fragile!

My dr said we have to wait one cycle and then we can try again. In a way, I am really scared to get pregnant again. I never want to go through that pain again and now that I have had an ectopic once, my chances of having another one have gone up. Having my DS has made this a lot easier. He is such a little ham lately and makes me laugh daily. he has no idea the pain my DH and I have gone through, nor do I want him to know. I was so thankful that he was not there when the ambulance came. It would have freaked him out. I really thought I was going to die last week. It was scary.

I am sorry to those of you that have lost your babies also. I find that I have to stay out of the baby/parenting/pregnancy threads. It makes me too emotional. Thank you in advance for your support and understanding. I know this is long, but I just needed to get it all out in writing.

[Mrs.Chappy]

strawberry OMG!! i am so sorry. The whole experience sounds just awful. I don't even know what to say. It seems you are lucky to be alive at this point. Hugs to you.I am definately thinking of you and your family and thinking positive thoughts for you all.

[GlamaGal]

docoNY OMG, I too missed DD's last music class!! That was the day I was on the phone with OBGYN office and they told me to come in. After that, I just couldn't leave. I had so looked forward to maybe telling one or two moms that don't know any of my other friends.

Strawberry4 I am sorry you went through that, but have to feel you were lucky to have been checked on by DH. That is so very serious. I almost thought maybe that was what I had. I have a friend who had one removed due to endometriosis scarring, and she said her OBGYN said more than likely her one ovary will ovulate each month, instead of alternating. So that is something positive about our bodies, right?

firefly Thanks for the words of encouragement. You really have made me feel like I'll get PG again. I've come to hang on thinking that maybe my body is really doing a good job, and that I can conceive, but maybe it does know when something is not ultimately conceived correctly.

Thanks everyone else for the positive thoughts and the "yeah, I felt that way too". This is why I like this board. All women, with something in common, and we know what to say to each other.

I held my 3 1/2 mos. old nephew this weekend. That was a nice baby fix. I found myself thinking that I was glad it was 9:30 at night, DD had been in bed for 2 hr., and I didn't "have" to rock or walk a baby. I could have just sat there and watched a movie...but I had the pleasure of relieving his parents of that duty for the next few hours...and my kid wouldn't be up until maybe 8 a.m.! You have to see the positive in everything.

[ThreeYell]

I'm so sorry, strawberry4. That sounds like such a horrible experience. It's so frustrating that no one in the hospital was helpful or comforting to you. Talk about adding insult to injury. I'm glad you were able to write out your story. Take care of yourself and give your DS extra hugs. My DS is what's kept me going the past two weeks. You'll be in my thoughts.

[kphillips4]

strawberry - I am sooo sorry for your loss. It sounds like a miserable experience all the way around. I hope that you are doing better now and that your little one can continue to bring you lots of cheer!! {{{HUGS}}}

[jen]

oh strawberry, I am so sorry for your loss and for the ordeal you went through!

[docoNY]

strawberry you poor thing! I am soooo glad for your DH coming home! sending you lots and lots of hugs!!

[Annette]

strawberry-I am so sorry for your loss. Hope you are feeling better. If it helps any, my coworker's wife had an ectopic like yours and then they went on to have 4 kids. {{{{hugs}}}

[GlamaGal]

I hope everyone is doing okay. Strawberry-- {{{hugs}}}. I hope you're feeling better physically as well as emotionally. Please come back and post when you're able, if you want, and let us know.

Week before last, I called my OBGYN office, and the nurse said she could discuss my blood tests with me before the Dr. had a chance to review. She said the prego test was negative and the HGH had went down (therefore, yes, I m/c). Then she said the Dr. would call me to discuss further after reviewing. After waiting a week for my Dr. to call me back, I called again last week and spoke with another nurse who said, do you remember talking to so and so last week? I said yes, but she told me my OBGYN would call me back after she reviewed the tests. So she says, well, what else did you need to know? To which I replied, {sigh} well, everything. This is my first m/c. Can I try again, etc.? Well, the HGH was out of my system and was low enough to try again. She told me my blood type (gee, thanks, the American Red Cross has done this for me for years as I donate) and that the dr. wrote "ok" on a piece of paper. Thanks, folks...I'm so glad you keep me privy to my medical state. Not so much as a follow-up call even when I was expected to get one, and had specifically asked for it. The thing is, I was not even up to BDing, as I was a little scared. I think we missed the O.

[jen]

GlamaGal, what a PITA!!

It baffles me how md offices can be so ridiculous. I've chaulked it up to the sheer volume of patients they have---not that it is ANY excuse, but it scares the crap out of me that I'm really just a blip on their radar screen. M/C's are terrifying, especially the first, so I'm really sorry you were treated this way. Have you thought about finding a new doctor? I know it's easier said than done, I've been saying it since January. I'm kicking myself we didn't sign up for a PPO when we had the chance..... for me to change OB's on my HMO, I need to change my PCP, so it's twice as much of a pain.

Hope everyone is doing well. I think I'm in a 2WW and honestly, I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to freak out, but I think I'm really scared about what will happen if I get a BFP. I feel like it'll be either third time's a charm, or three strikes you're out. ugh. I hate this! How awful these m/c's have taken away the excitement of getting a BFP!

[Kelly51703]

I have been lurking in this thread for awhile now and wanted to say ((hugs)) to Strawberry. I've also had an ectopic pregnancy.

Kelly51703
Name: Kelly
DH: Chris
Married: 5.17.03
DD: 11.23.05
M/C: @ 5w6d, 11.28.06
M/C: ruptured ectopic 1.14.07 (didn't even know I was PG)
TTC: ???

I would have been due 7.27.07. I'm still not completely over my M/C from November. We were trying and had a few BFP. I knew that something wasn't right when I wasn't getting dark lines but I got a positive on a digital. Two days later I started spotting. I was passing big clots. I knew this wasn't going to stick before I even went to the dr. My beta's were only 17. My dr. said that we could start trying right away.

DH and I DTD once between my November M/C and the ectopic. I got my period like normal. About a week later I started spotting. I thought my body was trying to get back to normal after the M/C. Then the cramps started on a Friday. They weren't too bad at first but then they got really intense. At times I was doubled over in pain. It killed me when DD would lay on me or jump on my stomach. I had no idea at the time that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I also had extreme pain in my shoulder. So bad it took my breath away. I thought all this was from me leaning over DD's crib at night. I have a habit of picking her up every time she cries. So I was trying to stop that. By Sunday I couldn't take the pain anymore. I went to urgent care and the first thing they asked was could I be pregnant. I said no. They drew my blood and my beta's were 4,500. Way too high for a normal pregnancy. I had an exam and the doctor was pressing on my stomach. I would cringe in pain. The doctor suspected an ectopic pregnancy and sent us to the ER. I spent 11 hours in the ER. What a nightmare! I had an ultrasound which showed a lot of fluid but the tech wouldn't tell me what she thought it was from. She wasn't telling me anything. DH was not allowed to be with me during the ultrasound. The tech asked me where my pain was and I pointed to my left said. She said the ultrasound showed nothing abnormal on my left side. The OB resident said I had a miscarriage based on the ultrasound.

I followed up with my doctor the next morning where she confirmed an ectopic. My beta's continued to rise. I was at the doctor every other day for blood work. I was given an injection of methotrexate to help pass the tissue. That didn't work and I ended up having a D&C on 1.24.07. Two days before surgery my beta's were 14,000. Once my doctor performed the surgery she found that my left tube had ruptured right at the very end of the tube. The embyro had fused to the wall of my abdomen which what was causing me so much pain.

I thank God for DD (and DH too :)). I don't know what I would do with out them. I want another baby. I don't know when I will be ready. I think I'm ready now but I can't go through what I went through in January. They say once you have one ectopic you have a greater chance for another.

Sorry this is so long...it sucks that we all have to go through this :(

[docoNY]

Kelly
I am so sorry about your m/c and the ectopic pg - big hugs to you :(

[AliMC]

Strawberry and Kelly - My heart goes out to both of you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to not only lose a pregnancy but also a tube.

Glama - That is just awful - there is no other word for it - okay, atrocious would work too. Sadly, I think that kind of - or rather lack of - care is endemic to a lot of the health care industry. I had a similar experience after my m/c, when I really just wanted some basic information.

Sometimes I think that the experience of having am/c is just the loneliest passage a woman can make - even with the love and support of the people in your life, there's no way to get around how isolating it can feel.

I, for one, am just really glad to have had a place like this where I could receive empathy and support from a group of women who know what that loss really takes from you.

[jen]

Sometimes I think that the experience of having am/c is just the loneliest passage a woman can make - even with the love and support of the people in your life, there's no way to get around how isolating it can feel.


This just brought tears to my eyes. So true.

Yesterday I picked up a cup from DH's MD to get a SA (figured may as well start now with the easiest piece of the puzzle). I drove home just shaking my head thinking how I never thought it would be like this. :(

[strawberry4]

[Kelly - Hugs to you. I understand your pain. Having an ectopic pregnancy and having the tube rupture was the MOST pain I have ever been in my life. I also had the shoulder pain that you mentioned. It hurt so bad. I am sorry you had to go through all of that. Hang in there.

I am doing a little better. I know this all takes time. I went for my follow-up yesterday at the OB's office. I lost it in the waiting room when this one woman was walking around in a tank top that showed her entire belly. I wanted to tell her how stupid she looked, but I held back! When the nurse asked me how I was doing, I started crying again and said it was harder to be in a waiting room full of pregnant women than I realized it would be. Apparently, I am really lucky. I guess my hemoglobin levels were very low and that was the reason I had the transfusion. I guess normally a woman should be around 12.0 at the least, and I was at 7.0. Yikes. She showed me pictures of the surgery she had taken….I would have rather not seen them at all. It was apparent how much I had bled in the pictures. She said we could start trying again in 2-3 cycles. My other dr said to wait one cycle. So, I am not sure what we are going to do. I am anxious to be pregnant again, but I do not want to risk another ectopic.

I am not sure if anyone else feels this way with their MD, but I felt she was minimizing everything. She made it seem easy that we could get pregnant with only one tube. She said if we are not pregnant in 6-9 months, to come in and they could do testing. I am almost 38 – 6/9 months is a long time when you are almost 38! It is hard to put it into words, but I felt there was no compassion for everything I had been through. Again, she never asked how I was doing emotionally. All she cared about was the physical and even then, it did not seem like a big deal to her that I lost a tube.

I am bad at doing shoutouts, but hugs to everyone here and thanks for your support and kind words. DS had ear tubes put in yesterday and being in the hospital brought it all back to me again. I feel like the only people that understand are in this thread (or those in real life that have had a miscarriage). My two best friends are pregnant right now and we were all so excited that we were all pregnant at the same time. They are at a loss for words and I feel bad that this takes some joy away from them. They have been great and I could not ask for more supportive friends.
Have a great day. Again, thank you.

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

Again, anyone who would like to TM this thread, please let me know. I know I'm trying to get away from this thread as I am already stressed out about this next pregnancy and I have a feeling Steve's Sweetie is as well.
It's easy. You just update when you can and once this thread gets to 1000 posts, start a new one. Just PM me (jenahdawn) or the thread name and I can get you the password.

[ThreeYell]

I just got back from my follow-up with my OB. I'm with you on the waiting room, strawberry4. I was in the waiting room for over an hour so I had plenty of time to see pregnant people. A woman walked in and sat down next to us looking just as pregnant as I should be and wearing a dress that I had bought and had to return to Target after I lost the baby. Ugh.

No new information today. No genetic results back on the baby yet. I'm supposed to call in 2 weeks if I haven't heard by then. The doctor was really insistent on waiting 2 cycles to try again even though she admits that there's no research to support that. I don't know if I'm going to be able to wait 2 cycles. I was due in November and my whole psychological wellbeing right now depends on me thinking that I'll be pregnant before my due date. I want as many chances as possible to make that happen.

I'm really sorry for everyone having rough days, weeks, months. I wish it were better for everyone right now.

[docoNY]

just a fly by to say - I have to do 'the waiting room' in a few hours later today and its making miserable just thinking of it

I think I had AF on Monday but not sure - hoping the doc will lift my pelvic rest cause if that was AF on Monday I will have to sit 1 cycle out since I would ovulate before the 4 wks was over

((hugs)) to everyone

[strawberry4]

Good luck at the Dr. today, docoNY. Just sit off by yourself in a corner if possible. Bring a book or something else to distract you...all they had in the waiting room I was in was baby magazines. Let us know how it goes.

[Annette]

kelly-I am so sorry for your losses. Hope your DS feels better soon.

doco-Good luck at your appt. Hope everything goes well.


Sometimes I think that the experience of having a m/c is just the loneliest passage a woman can make - even with the love and support of the people in your life, there's no way to get around how isolating it can feel.

This is sooo true!

the waiting room-It was such an awful experience being in the waiting room the day after the m/c. DH was with me and it helped but I had so much trouble keeping it together. Plus we had to wait over an hour since the u/s tech was running behind schedule and that just made it worse.

[Kelly51703]

I'm sick of people constantly asking when we are going to have another baby. I've always had an excuse but I'm so tempted to tell them what has really happened.

I have a lady at work who always tells me not to think about my due date. I'm never going to forget that that is the day I should have a baby in my arms. Basically her attitude was like "get over it".

You guys understand and it's nice to be able to come in here and get things off my chest.

[firefly]

so I've been testing like a mad woman and I'm sure I'm seeing lines but there is the slightest possibility that there is a second line today. and I'm mad at myself for being excited... and hoping that maybe this is it. Tommarrow is our anniversary and whenever someone tries to tie the bfp to an occassion it usually fails *like testing of fathers day or christmas. So anyways that's me.

Kelley I think you should tell them. but I'm very passive aggressive that way, :o

[ThreeYell]

Oh, good luck firefly!

kelly - I was talking to someone last night who asked me when we wanted another one. I don't know her very well (except for her reputation for being tactless) so I was vague and she started going on and on about how she couldn't even think about another one until her oldest was 3 and how we were so smart to wait, blah, blah. :rolleyes:

Annette - I'm sorry you had the bad waiting room experience too. It makes you wonder why they can't do something for women who are at an OB for non-happy reasons.

doco - how did it go yesterday?

[docoNY]

well I survived - thanks for the well wishes ladies.. there was no one with a belly popping out of their shirt in the waiting room.. some older ladies and some pregnant but not looking pregnant ladies.. yeah! and I had a big fat book and had my nose in it pretty much the whole time - I may not have been reading the page but I was trying ;)

I was so relieved to be out of there that I forgot to go to the ATM like I had planned and I screwed up on the subway big time going home

I can't even explain to you but I know the way and have done it 50 times.. I have to take 2 trains and I forgot to get off on my stop and then I go onto a subway going the WRONG way AND ended up in manhattan and then someone or somehow the emergency brake went off so we were stuck hanging out for 10-15 min while everything was inspected

Felt like I should have had a big ole L on my forehead last night! ;)

The good news is everything is hunky dory and we can start trying right away.. its only 2 wks of pelvic rest instead of 4! And since AF came on Mon it looks like things are back on track.


I'm sick of people constantly asking when we are going to have another baby. I've always had an excuse but I'm so tempted to tell them what has really happened.

I have a funny feeling that I will tell people just to teach them a lesson.. I know I am 37.5 yrs old and don't need any more pressure thank you!

[Alanna]

Hi everyone. I thought I would finally post in here.

I miscarried last week at 8 weeks 3 days (they said we had probably lost the baby around 6 weeks)

i chose to go through a natural m/c and I seem to be almost back to normal physically (one week and one day since it all started) i will have a follow up at my m/w's office in another week or so....

I'm doing alright - though - it's sorta an hour by hour thing. Im just so glad it looks like the physical aspect of it is behind me... i feel like now i can focus on dealing with the emotional stuff.

we were told to sit out this cycle but that we could try again after that... im very anxious to try again - i dont know if that will change as i get closer to the reality of it but as of right now - that is how i am feeling.

I have read through a lot of this thread in the past week and it has really helped hearing other people's stories - Im just so sorry to recognize so many names -

((hugs)) to all of you -

[Kelly51703]

Good luck Firefly


Originally posted by Firefly Tommarrow is our anniversary and whenever someone tries to tie the bfp to an occassion it usually fails *like testing of fathers day or christmas.

I tested the day before Thanksgiving and we told everyone at DD first b-day party. So I totally understand what you mean about tying it to an occassion.

docoNY I'm glad that your appointment went well.

Alanna I'm so sorry ((hugs))

[Annette]

Alanna-I'm so sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}}

[GlamaGal]

Alanna- sorry to see you posting here, but we are here if you need to vent/ask/ramble. I think we are all of like mind in wanting to try again ASAP, which makes me feel "normal".

doco- great to hear and good luck with the BDing!

firefly- good luck and do not feel bad for wanting & needing that BFP!

kelly- Of course you will always remember that date! And...don't you just love that stupid question? People who KNOW I want 3 children will be like, sooo, when is the next one? I feel like saying- A) maybe I AM PG and I don't feel like SHARING the news now, B)maybe I'm TRYING and it's just not STICKING, or C) we're expecting #2 to arrive from Guatemala via FED EX any day now. Shall we check the front door?

me- DH is on my nerves lately. It's like I don't want him touching me. It's the oddest thing b/c I want to BD, but, I don't really want any attention from him. Maybe it's b/c DH's friend was here Wed. night and he asked me "how was I feeling?" So I told DH maybe he should explain what happened (b/c it was HIS job, as he had spilled the beans early despite my wishes to keep the PG private). As I have supper cooking on the stove for all of us, he goes out to the porch, converses, and I see him wave his hand at his friend (like, oh, fuggetaboutit). THEN, he comes in the door part way and says {loud whisper} "he already KNEW about it!!". Like said friend had almost ruined my surprise birthday party and then was told I already knew about it so it was ok! Are you kidding me??!! I said, "thank you. for hurting my feelings twice. in one night. in front of people." Maybe I am especially moody because I think AF is here. Not what I had hoped for.

[firefly]

yea so much for hoping. AF arrived about 4 hours later. stupid biotch....af not me....

[Annette]

firefly-Sorry about AF.

[Kelly51703]

I'm sorry Firefly :(

[firefly]

thanks ladies. I'm okay with it now. I keep remembering my words (stupid things we say to ourselves before we know anything 'bad' ) after my first was born we wanted an April baby. . So I know I'll be more devastated next month if it doesn't happen and I have to face another due date without that baby. It'll happen when it's meant to happen and all that feel good stuff. I just want to be pregnant and hormonal and pukey and feel like crap. that would be great! :)

[GlamaGal]

Firefly- I'm with you 100% on that! We're AFing together. Let's look forward to the BDing in < 2 weeks. I'm focusing on eating really healthy and exercising preconception. Taking DD on a nice, neighborhood stroller walk. I hope everyone else is doing OK.

[hiphopgirl]

I'm new here. I've been looking everywhere for this place, and I just now found it.

I don't even know when to say I lost the baby. I found out that I m/c on 6/20 at 9 1/2 weeks, but the baby was only measuring at 8w2d. I had a D&C the very next day. It's been about a week and a half and I am still miserable.

Yesterday in Sunday School there were so many pregnant women. The pastor leading the class asked all the pregnant women to raise their hands. Several hands shot up. In the back row one couple said "Many of you don't know this but we're due in January" (my EDD was 1/18). I burst into tears and had to leave the room. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, but I just couldn't be in that room for one more second. It was probably ill-advised to attend a Sunday School class where (perhaps slight exaggeration) over 50% of the women are pregnant. I'm considering staying home for the next couple of weeks. I guess I'm just not ready.

There are whole days that go by and I'm fine, but today I'm not fine. It's raining outside and it fits my mood. I'm just sitting in my office fighting back tears. When does this pain go away? When do I stop feeling like I'm on the verge of tears every minute?

My follow-up appt is Friday. I feel very lucky that my OB/Gyn separates her practice. She has her 1st appointment in the Gyn office and that's where my follow-up appt will be. The visably pregnant women all go to a different office. I am so glad that I won't have to go through that. Most of the women in the waiting room will be their for their annuals. I'm sure they aren't going to be sitting around looking giddy ;)

[Sand]

I'm sorry I havent been around ladies. I'm not much support. I was staying away from all the baby chatter in superstitious hope that it would keep me from miscarrying again, but I am not that lucky. I was pregnant again, but I am miscarrying a fourth time. I'm devastated and numb and truly dont know how much more of this I can go through.

I hope you all are well.

[firefly]

My condolences ladies.

Hip Hop It get's better and it get's worse. My due date for my latest m/c (I've had 5) is quickly approaching and i'm very angry about it.

Sand. I understand. I've never had 4 in a row I've had 3 in a row and then my 4 conception I bled for the entire pregnancy, I never believed I'd make it to term . My only coping technique was not being attached to the pregnancy at all until about 20 weeks. I would seriously ignore the fact. I wasn't stupid I didn't drink or sky dive but I don't do those things not pregnant...

Are you working with an ob/gyn or an RE?

[AliMC]

hiphopgirl - I am so sorry that you lost your baby. It's a terrible experience such an emotional rollercoaster - especially when you are confronted with pregnancies that follow the timeline yours should have taken. More than anything, I think you need to allow yourself to feel however you feel - whether that means that you have to miss Sunday School, or cry in the shower, or whatever... be kind to yourself.

Sand - I know that I already said it in SAI, but I am so very sorry. Don't worry about how supportive you can be for everyone else - you need to support yourself first and foremost.

[ThreeYell]

hiphopgirl - There seems to be something about church. I finally went back this Sunday and, like yours, I felt like at least 50% of the people there were pregnant. I don't know if the pain is ever completely gone but I'm almost 4 weeks out now and I'm not on the verge of tears all the time. I even have times I'm really OK. I hope you get to that point soon.

sand - I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain of so many losses. I wish there was something more I could say. :(

[jeggink]

I am so sorry for all the recent losses, it sucks to see new people joining and old ones returning :(.

Sand If you don't mind me asking, what kind of testing have you had done so far to check for reasons? Have they tested the baby at all?

[Sand]

Firefly, My OB sent me to an RE after the 2nd m/c. He is pretty blase about the whole thing which has left me feeling less than happy with him and I may look to switch if he doesnt become a little more proactive after this 4th time.

jeggink, I've had an HSN (sonohysterogram) after the 2nd m/c which showed a small polyp. Then I had a hysterocsopy to remove it. I have low progesterone levels so I take Prometrium two days after LH surge until day 14 and continue if PG. I also take a baby aspirin a day for clotting issues. The only time I ended up in the hospital I'd already passed most of the tissue and they decided not to do a d&c, which meant none of the m/c's allowed the dr's to do any testing on the tissue.

AliMC & ThreeYell, Thank you.

[jeggink]

Sand For the baby asprin, did they do blood work or just stick you on it? If they didn't do bloodwork, you probably need a full workup, like anticardiolipin antibodies and such. There is a multiple miscarriages thread I started and someone responded in there with the normal blood tests they run for someone in that situation.

http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21466

The other thing, you may want to have them check both your chromosomes as well to see if either of you have an unbalanced translocation which can cause issues each time you get pg.

You may have had this all done. not sure. I am sorry that you are going through this and know how hard it is. I really hope they can find the issue that is causing this. Lots of HUGS! Feel free to PM me if interested if you need to chat or have any questions I may be able to answer. I know we really went though the ringer with the m/c's.

[Sand]

jeggink, They did put me on baby aspirin from bloodwork results. I cant find my notes from that appointment and I cant remember what they called it.

Thank you for that link, I will definitely check it out. And I've made up my mind that I will be firm about asking them to do some chromosomal testing. I dont know how many more I can take. Thank you for the support and hugs. And lots of good vibes to you for the December EDD!! :)

[Annette]

Hiphop- I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt like you did right after the loss. Fine one minute, hysterical the next. I'm still jealous of the pregnant women I see.

Sand-I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can get answers as to what is going on.

[hiphopgirl]

Thanks for the welcome ladies. I just have one question, what can I expect from my follow-up dr. appt. on Friday? This is my first loss and I already have a child. Is this just going to be a routine visit? What questions should I ask? What should I be prepared for? Are they going to do a follow-up u/s? Bloodwork? She said that she would give me the results of the pathology. What does that mean? How much information should I expect? I'm equal parts nervous and blase about this appointment. My DH isn't planning on coming with me - should he? Did your DH's go to the follow-up appt with you?

Okay, so that was more than one question. I guess inquiring minds want to know...

[Mrs.Chappy]

hiphop..i also have a child and it was my first m/c(and lets pray only one). DH came w. me for support) i was so weepy. i had a list of questions for the OB that, if DH wasn't there to remind me of, i would have totally forgotten. My pathology hadn't come back by that time. i had an internal (had a d&c two weeks earlier)...no bloodwork or u/s. Be prepared to see lots of pregnant belly's that was the hardest..i hope that helps. I'm thinkiing of you (our children are very close in age).

[ThreeYell]

hiphop - My follow up was 3 weeks after delivery and my doctor had already called me with the pathology results, which were normal. I was hoping to hear the results of the genetic testing on the baby but they didn't have those back yet. She did a pelvic to check the size of my uterus and asked about how long the bleeding lasted. No ultrasound but I had a D&C after delivery so she was sure that everything was out. She told us we were ok to BD but to use condoms for 2 cycles. We also discussed what we'll do when the genetic results come back. If they're normal I'll go for a clotting panel but that's because I was in the second trimester. It's probably not necessary since I also already have a child but she's willing to indulge my paranoia. I asked if she would do a beta but she said that it wouldn't tell her anything unless the genetic results showed a partial molar pregnancy (oh please God, no) but she thought that was very unlikely.

It was frustrating for me. I had built it up in my mind as the time I was going to all the answers but instead I didn't get any. Oh, and my DH did go with me. I was alone at the appointment when I found out we lost the baby and I swore I'd never go to the OB alone again. He was most helpful in the waiting room, letting me squeeze his hand off every time another pregnant woman walked in.

[Kelly51703]

hiphop I'm sorry for your loss.

DH went with me to my follow up appointment. He was the one with all of the questions. And he too would remind me of what we needed to ask. With my first m/c I did have bloodwork done but no u/s. I really like my dr. and she was very sympathetic and stayed until all of our questions were answered.

[Annette]

DH went with me to my follow up u/s and exam. I'm glad he came since he was able to comfort me after seeing all the preggo women in the waiting room. I had bloodwork done, but I don't remember much else from the appt.

threeyell-I was also alone at the appt I found out. Plus I was seen by the on-call dr since mine was either out or delivering a baby. DH felt so bad I had to go alone so he told me next time I'm pg he'll come with me.

[jeggink]

hiphop Some of your questiosn answered

Is this just going to be a routine visit? What questions should I ask? What should I be prepared for? Not quite, but pretty typical. I never even had pelvics with my 1st 2 D&C's for the check-up, just a "do you feel any pain" sort of deal and heres how long you need to wait. It will probably be rather short.

Are they going to do a follow-up u/s? Bloodwork Honestly, probably not. Usually with one m/c they won't do anything especially since you already have a child. Same thing happened with me. it was only after the 2nd and after pushing for it I got some testing done.

She said that she would give me the results of the pathology. What does that mean? How much information should I expect? Pathology will give you very little information. Usually just the size of the fetus or tissue and that it was a fetus and not molar.

I'm equal parts nervous and blase about this appointment. My DH isn't planning on coming with me - should he? Did your DH's go to the follow-up appt with you? Dh didn't go with me to the 1st one, it was something I needed to do alone. The 2nd one he did go along as we had a lot of questions.

I hope the follow-up appt goes well!

[hiphopgirl]

Thanks for all of the help, ladies.

Mrs Chappy It seems like you and I are sort of leading parallel lives. I'm about one month behind you. Here's hoping that this is your only loss and that you can get pregnant very soon.

ThreeYell, I am so sorry that you were by yourself when you got the news. I dragged DH with me to that appointment because I had a bad feeling about this one. I'm so glad he was with me.

Kelly It sounds like you have a really good, and thorough doctor.

Annette So glad your DH was able to go with you to that appt since he wasn't with you for the first one. Sounds like it was pretty hard.

jeggink - Thanks for the great information. It really helped.

As expected my appt didn't do much to answer any questions. I did have a lot of them and I did manage to remember them all. DH did come, but he wasn't much help. It was pretty much for moral support. Thankfully there were no pg women there. They all go to a different office for their appointments.

I didn't get a copy of my u/s at the first visit so I asked for one at this visit and she was able to give me one. I'm not sure why I wanted it or what I'm going to do with it, but I just felt like I needed it.

Also, she did tell me that I can come in early if/when I get pregnant again. I know it won't change anything, but I just feel like I need to be seen more frequently. She also said that she would do an early u/s at around 6 weeks if I wanted (which I do), and she can see me every other week at first if I want. She is a great doctor. I'm glad she is so open about monitoring the next one more closely.

[docoNY]

hiphop we seem to be leading a parrel life also (found out at 9.5 wks and had a D&C and had a bad cry yesterday)

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you like your doctor. My DH didn't come with me after my D&C and I forgot to ask would she see me quicker, etc the next time around but I have a feeling she will

sand you know I am here for you (we know each other outside cc)

me well I seemed to be moving forward ok and then went way backwards this weekend.. we missed the egg.. long story there but that sucked big time since all I want to do is get pg again.. I ovulated earlier than expected/sick

and then we found out my SIL (DH's sister) is pg and I don't know her exact due date because she was vague (most likely on purpose) but its pretty much when I would be due. They live in N. Ireland so at least I don't have to see her but it still sucked. She didn't ask to talk to me yesterday and she said she is 3 months and said she is due Jan.. I would have been 13 wks Thu/Fri last week so we would have been pg together... so I was crying a lot yesterday :(

We will be seeing them in Sept and usually we go for Christmas but we had already planned on not going this year - its way expensive and now there is no way I am going

anyway I feel like someone poured bleach in my wound.. bleah

I am happy for her - she had 2 m/c after her DS and then her husband just had a malignent melanoma scare last month (he is ok) so its great news just wish she was due in Dec or Feb!

[hiphopgirl]

docoNY, OMG it's scary how close you and I are with dates. Your DD was born on my birthday*, 4 days before my DS. I, also would have been due in January (almost 2 1/2 years to the day from DS). I haven't ovulated yet, though. I've been temping and my temps are all over the place. My doctor wants us to "use protection" until I get my period. Well, my version of BC for the last couple of months was FAM. It's kind of hard to do if you have no idea when you're going to ovulate. We may throw caution to the wind at some point.

Sorry about your SIL. That has got to hurt. It sounds like she can relate to your pain, though.

*p.s. happy birthday to your daughter.

[docoNY]

hiphop Happy Birthday! :)

today I feel bad for SIL - she must have been really really sad when she heard about our m/c since she had been thru this herself and then knew she was going 'hurt' me when they announced her pg and obviously didn't want to.. ugh

anyway that is quite freaky with the dates :)
I was 2.5 when my bro was born so I was excited O was going to be 2.5 - oh well

I used to ovulate really late and I use OPK's and realized Fri that I would have gotten a + on Wed if I tested which I didn't so we missed it all but I guess the good news is hopefully AF will get here asap and I can move on

p.s. and happy birthday to your son on Friday!

[Sand]

[crossposted]
I just realized I posted this in SAI, not in here (hope I didnt bring those girls down) :/

Monday:
wasnt there someone here or in the TTC after a loss thread that had beta levels jumping all over the place? I was told on Monday [last monday 7/2] that my levels were going down (54 from 71 on Sat) and m/c was inevitable and today I went in for a beta test to make sure i'd gone back down to 0 and they came back at 214. Of course my Dr isnt in today so the nurse is going to call me in the morning. I have no idea wtf is going on. Anyone know? 214 isnt enough of a rise from a week ago. Ugh, I dont want to have to have a d&c.

Today:
I have an update on my "hcg fluctuation" situation: (i'm new at all of this so this is my interpretation of what the Dr said)
My levels didn’t go down, but they only went up 20 to 234 from 214 on Monday which makes no sense to me or the Dr. There is a possibility that it is tubal, but the ultrasound didn’t show it being obvious because it could be too small to see... (Doc said it has to be small because of the low #’s). The ultrasound didn’t show anything obvious. Par for the course. :rolleyes:

I have 4 options. I can have a d&c, but that wont get rid of it if its tubal. I can have a d&c and a laproscopy (doc said they go in through my navel with a scope and look in the tube) but there is a chance it could be too small to catch. I can wait and see if I miscarry naturally which could take some time because my body technically thinks I’m still pregnant. Or I can take a drug, Methotrexate (its actually a chemotherapy drug) that will kill all the cells and tissue and get rid of it all, even if its tubal. I decided to wait two more days and get another blood draw on Friday to see if it is going down enough to happen on its own. If not and the levels are higher or in the 200’s I will then get the Methotrexate shot. Then it could take anywhere up to a couple weeks to finally be over. This makes me very sad and angry. I just want it over.

Anyone who has taken this feel like helping a girl out and telling me your experience?

My DH went with me today and I'm SO glad he did. I was a sobbing mess and dont think I could have been strong enough to be firm about some of my questions if he wern't there.

[Kelly51703]

Sand my beta's were jumping all over the place when I had my ectopic pregnancy. They started at 4,500 and jumped to nearly 14,000! I two ultrsounds that showed nothing. I have had the injection of methotrexate but that didn't help pass the tissue. A week or so after my injection I had a D&C and laparoscopy. I had an incision in my belly button. The laparoscopy showed damage to my left tube and the Dr. found that sac had fused to the wall of my abdomen. This is why my beta's continued to rise.

I felt the same way you do. I wanted everything to be over. I was at the Dr. every other day for blood draws. I just wanted the Dr. to fix me and make me normal again. My ectopic happned 1/14/07 and I had my D&C 10 days later. It was the longest and most miserable 10 days of my life.

[ThreeYell]

How's everyone doing?

I have a question - what was your first AF like after a D&C or D&E? I got AF back 5 weeks after delivery/D&C and it's only lasted a few days with minimal cramping, not my normal AF. I read on MDC that it's often the second AF that's bad. What do y'all think?

I got the genetic results back on the baby, or rather, I found out we wouldn't get results. They couldn't get the cells to grow for the test. I went on Friday and had 10 vials of blood drawn for the clotting panel and should hear back on that in about 3 weeks. I feel like I'm really starting to move forward. Getting AF back did wonders for my outlook. Assuming everything comes back OK from the blood work we'll start TTC next cycle. It's good to have that to look forward to.

[kate's mom]

Sand I stumbled across this thread and noticed your post.
I had a similar situation happen to me.
I had 3 prior miscarriages, one sucessfull pregnancy (with clomid, IUI, progesterone) and then got pregnant on my own.
The doctors immediately put me on progesteron and started taking my levels. They went up a short amount and then dropped so they told me to stop taking my progesteron. When I went back to check my levels they had went up but only a small amount. They had me come back in 2 days later and did a level check and ultrasound. It was way too early to see anything even with a vaginal ultrasound. I was given the same options as you. I decided to wait it out and let my body handle it on it's own. I did not like that you had to wait 6 months to try and conceive after the shot. My levels continued to be all over the place. They sent me for a high level ultrasound to rule out tubal. In the end I did end up miscarrying. It took about a month for my levels to completely drop. It was a LONG month.
The only explanation that the doctor had was the possibly I was carrying twins and was losing one. I still wonder to this day had I stayed on the progesteron would I have been ok.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I just want you to know that I am so sorry for what you are going through- it SUCKS!
If you have any other questions or just want to complain about so many miscarriages you can send me a message.

[strawberry4]

Sand - Sorry you are going through this. I did have an ectopic pregnancy about a month ago, but it ruptured so I had surgery right away. You do not want your tube to rupture, so the dr would use methotrexate to end the pregnancy before that would happen. I have heard mixed reviews on that drug, but I am sure it would be better than having surgery. Hang in there...you are in my thoughts.

I am doing a lot better as the time passes. My HCG level is still elevated for some reason one month after the pregnancy. It was 54 a few weeks ago and 34 the other day. I got AF yesterday...so that was odd and surprising. I am hoping my HCG goes down this week, or they may give me methotrexate in case there is still some fetal tissue inside me. ugghhh...I just want this to be over and want to move on. I am so tired of being poked by needles.

We are going to start trying this cycle as long as my hcg is down to zero this week. I am excited but nervous at the same time. We are ready for the rollercoaster to begin.

I got a copy of my medical records and it scared the crap out of me how close I was to dying from the ectopic. I guess I lost a LOT of blood. This time we will get an early ultrasound and I will be on top of the dr if I get any weird pains.

Take care everyone.

[Sand]

Kelly51703,

I was at the Dr. every other day for blood draws. I just wanted the Dr. to fix me and make me normal again. My ectopic happned 1/14/07 and I had my D&C 10 days later. It was the longest and most miserable 10 days of my life.

Wed at my appointment I said to the doctor that I just wish I was "normal". Its so hard to think every day how broken you are. :( I'm sorry you had to go through this, and through those 10 days. I'm sure that had to be difficult.

Katesmom, Thank you for telling me your story. I am sorry you have it to tell. They had me stop the progesterone the day my levels dropped to 54 from 71. When it went up to the 200's I felt the same way you did...maybe I could have saved the pregnancy if I'd kept taking the progesterone. I hate that we will never know.

Strawberry4, I'm sorry you had to go through that. How scary! Glad you are okay physically. Wishing you luck on your next ttc [rollercoaster] and I hope the needle pokes next time are all good pokes.

My levels went down again. I didnt take the methotrexate, but I have to go in tomorrow again for another blood draw and I'll have to go in every other day until they are back to 0. Luckily I havent had anymore searing pains in my left side, just bad cramps. I'm hoping its happening on its own. I think it is. :( I'll be glad when the blood draws are over. My arms look like an addicts.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I hope everyone is well and good luck on your ttc-ing!

[docoNY]

sand I am glad it seems to be going on its own for you

what was your first AF like after a D&C or D&E?
my first af was about 10 days after my D&C and it was minor and I expected it would be and was happy to be on track asap. Then I got another AF 19/20 days after that (this weekend). I did seem to ovulate early so it seemed to be a weird cycle and hopefully I don't have a luteal phase issue

so anyway so I would say AF #2 its probably more like a normalish period for me though I am thinking its heavier than it has been

[GlamaGal]

Hey, everyone.

ThreeYell - It's good to hear from you. I am glad you seem to be doing ok given the circumstances.

Sand- I've been lurking along reading your story and I'm just heartbroken for you. It's just not fair sometimes!

Strawberry- I hope your levels drop soon so you can concentrate on TTC! My OBGYN gave me the go ahead to TTC once my levels were below 2. I didn't have to wait long, however, they were supposed to call me with this news and they didn't, so I waited almost two weeks to find out when I called myself.

hiphop- sorry to hear your news. When I read about the part of being in church, I couldn't help but think about how after my m/c our church had a slew of baptisms with beautiful babies I got to sit through and hold back tears about the baby I couldn't rejoice about. I'm emotional in church anyhow, so it's particularly hard.

me - Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone was doing. I posted over in TTC after a loss that my HS girlfriend/college roommate sent an email out about having a third baby in the oven. Guess what the due date was? Yep, my due date had I not m/c. Of course I was happy, but, our greatest fear when we get this news is, I hope I don't have to hear the news of this baby's birth and not be PG yet. Plus, I get to hear updates about her PG. Of course I didn't tell her about my m/c, I told barely any of my friends I was PG.

My DD is a source of pure joy for me, and I am glad for her.

[strawberry4]

GlamaGal Sorry about the news regarding your friend, at least the timing of it, I mean. I know that is hard.

To answer an earlier question...AF came exactly one month after my miscarriage. It is A LOT heavier than normal and I had more cramping than usual the first day. In a weird way, I am happy to be back on track.

I never really talked about this much as my husband and I were considering legal action and did not want to put anything out there on the internet just in case. A week prior to my tube rupturing, I told a nurse at my pre-natal visit that I had some left sided pain and was spotting on and off. I also told her that I felt something was wrong with the pregnancy because I did not have any symptoms of pregnancy (as I did with DS) and mother's intuition (I just felt something was wrong). Well, her response was that I needed to relax and think positive. :mad: I was livid. Like, thinking positive is going to prevent a miscarriage. I asked for an early ultrasound and she said they do not routinely give them early on.

Fast forward one week and DH had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital because I could not walk without passing out and was in extreme pain. I had lost so much blood they had to do 3 blood transfusions after surgery.

Basically, if the nurse had talked to the dr and told her my symptoms, I probably would have been given an ultrasound and blood test. That would have detected a low HCG in my case and no embryo in the uterus. I could have been given methotrexate to end the pregnancy in my fallopian tube. I would have avoided emergency surgery, a lot of pain, and I would still have one of my fallopian tubes.

So, I requested my medical records at the request of our lawyer. Either they doctored the records or the nurse never wrote anything down that I told her. It only mentions that I had spotting (normal for early in pregnancy). So, we basically have no case as it is her word against mine. I was really mad and depressed for a few days. I want that dr's office to know what she put me through. I do not blame the dr, but I blame the nurse. I am considering writing a letter to the dr. My DH and son almost lost me that day. Because she was trying to play dr, I now have hundreds of medical co-payments to pay and I should not have to pay any of it. I lost my tube and now my fertility is reduced in my late thirties. She should not get away with it. The Dr pisses me off because she made it seem like no big deal that I lost my tube. "You can still get pregnant with one tube". Well, what if I do not ovulate from that tube? We cannot afford to pay 15,000 for IVF.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better!

[ThreeYell]

strawberry4 - I'd be livid if I were you. You went through hell and it was all preventable. It makes me furious that early ultrasounds aren't given to everyone. I have a high-deductible insurance plan so I was paying out of pocket at the OB. I had 2 routine ultrasounds and paid $120 for each. What a tiny amount of money and it could have saved you so much pain and suffering. I could go on for days about how insurance treats women and their health like crap.

I've thought about your husband a lot. I lost a lot of blood and lost consciousness - in the hospital surrounded by a million nurses - and my husband still says that seeing me like that was the scariest thing that's ever happened to him. For you to be in that much pain and for your husband to have that panic, it's just so wrong. I know I'm going on and on here but what happened to you shouldn't happen to anyone. I am so, so sorry for everything you and your whole family have been through.

[strawberry4]

Thank you, ThreeYell. We actually have very good insurance and an ultrasound would have been covered if requested. I think the nurse was just treating me like a paranoid pregnant woman.

DH was freaked out. At first he thought I just had the flu but when the paramedic said he could not find my blood pressure, DH said he knew it was serious. I could not imagine being in DH's shoes and watching that. Thank goodness DS was at daycare.

This thread has really helped me...thank you. It really is reassuring to me that there are women who understand the pain and loss. Thank you.

[jen]

That's awful strawberry4.

If you can't sue, then by all means write a letter to the md office. Who knows, maybe it won't even phase them, but hopefully you will feel better getting everything out and in the face of the md office.

What an awful awful ordeal you and your DH went through.

[Annette]

strawberry-{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry the nurse treated you like crap. I can't believe the nurse didn't tell the doctor that you were having pain. I am glad you are better though. How scary for both you and DH to go through this. I hope that nurse admits she screwed up. Good luck.

sand-hope your levels are still going down.

[Sand]

Strawberry, Its so incredibly frustrating that the nurse blew you off. I'm amazed at the number of women that I have heard say that their dr's office blew them off. Myself included. I think you should write that letter, even if it only makes You feel better. I'm glad you are physically okay. How scary for your family.

---------------
I feel like a broken record. My levels went BACK UP - !?!?! - 106 from 72 on Friday. The nurse that called me said she had no idea what was going on "its so odd". Thanks. She then said that my Dr was not in the office. Big surprise. :rolleyes: She was going to talk to him about it, and have the REI on call call me later. This was at 3pm. Finally at 6pm the on call doc called me and told me I have two choices. Take the methotrexate assuming this is tubal or the baby is attached somewhere else. Or have a D&C AND a laproscopy. I think I've finally come to a decision to get the methotrexate shot. I am really hoping this is it. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. My levels first went down two weeks ago today. :( I've also decided that I will find a new Dr. I am a human being and they have certainly not treated me like I have feelings. I get that this is confusing for them not being able to figure out what is going on... dont you think its tenfold for me?! I'm very nervous about this methotrexate, but I guess it is less invasive than the two procedures.

I hope to be able to focus on being supportive of you girls soon...(now that i've used this thread as my sounding board) Thank you for being so supportive ladies. :muah:

[firefly]

Sand I delt with the hcg rise fall crap for 10 weeks. I went back and re read my lj about it. It was so emotionally trying. I went from happy elated about being pregnant. to scared of m/c to excited that my levels were rising, to depressed that they were falling and anxious for it to be 'over' then rising again. then my ob thought it was molar so I had a cancer scare.... then I had to have a d& c ... I hope that this resolves for you soon sand and that you can have some answers.

[AliMC]

Sand and Strawberry - I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you have not been receiving more compassionate care from your doctor's offices.

I have often been amazed at the callousness of the support staff in my own doctor's office (especially when I was having my miscarriage). There were few staff members who had the grace to seem compassionate, most everyone else treated the situation as a purely procedural one.

I hope that you can express your disappointment to them or, if not (since it would be a pretty intimate conversation to have with someone who doesn't take you seriously), then I hope you are able to find someone who will provide you the care you deserve.

[Sand]

Thank you Firefly and AliMC.

I got my methotrexate shot(s) (one in each hip) today. AND a rhogam shot as well. (I'm O-) Three pokes. :( Its pretty depressing leaning on a table with your pants at your ankles striking a pose to loosen one of your buns. Its done and all I can do now is wait. Right now the cramping isnt any worse than it has been. Next step is watching my betas drop (hopefully).

After that I'm requesting my files and finding a new RE.

Thank you for all your good thoughts and support ladies! :muah:

[hiphopgirl]

Sand - I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how frustrating and sad this all is for you. I am also sorry that your dr. is not giving you the care and attention that you deserve.

strawberry- I am so sorry for your ordeal as well. I can imagine how frustrated you must be. I hope that writing the letter will make you feel better. I also hope that you can find a new doctor that will take your concerns seriously. If nothing else, you will now know that next time you have a concern you should talk directly to the doctor. It's awful that you had to go through all of that.

glamagal - It must have been so hard to hear the news of your friend's pregnancy. I will cross my fingers that you can conceive again quickly.

me - I'm feeling better everyday. I don't cry when I see pg women anymore so that's a good thing. I've been temping everyday just so I can be prepared for AF when she comes. It has been 28 days (my normal cycle) and no sign of ovulation or even of normal temps. My chart is all over the place. I have never wanted AF to show up so badly in my whole life. I know it could take 2 months or even longer, but I am getting antsy already.

[ahavnes]

Hi Everyone. Unfortunately, I am new to this thread. Here are my stats:

Me: Alicia (31)
DH: Scott (32)
DD: Abbey (5/29/05)
M/C: Found out at 11w1d, D&C a day later (7/19/07)

We just found out this week at an u/s in the 12th week that our baby died at around 8 weeks. It's too bad my body didn't figure it out b/c I have been suffering from terrible morning sickness, even after the baby died. I guess that's just my good luck. :rolleyes: No cramping, no bleeding, no lessening of symptoms. I guess I should be happy that my body is so good at maintaining a pregnancy...even if it's not a viable one.

I can't say I am really surprised. I had a very funny feeling about this pregnancy from the start. Even when we saw a "healthy" baby with a heartbeat at the 7 week u/s, I still just didn't feel good about it. I never had those feelings with my daughter at all.

So, we found out this Wednesday and I had the D&C on Thursday. I really just wanted to get it over with and stop feeling so damn sick! We're coping ok. I can honestly say I am not devastated, probably b/c I saw it coming on a "gut feeling level." (I know that sounds crazy!! :)) DH and I just feel kind of like we've been through the ringer.

I am going back to the OB for a f/u visit in 2 weeks. Can anyone tell me what that entails? Will I need to have my HCG levels checked several times before we can start trying again? I am very confused. :confused:

[ThreeYell]

Alicia, I'm so sorry. :( I don't know what it is lately but it seems like I keep hearing of people miscarrying at the end of the first trimester or later, after already seeing or hearing a heartbeat. I hate it! I'm so sad that you had to join this group. :(

I don't think your gut feeling sounds crazy at all. I had it, too. My last pregnancy was different in every way from my pregnancy with DS and at the end, I kept having this feeling that I would be OK if I lost the pregnancy because I have DS. Of course it's not OK and the miscarriage hurt like hell but it does give me some comfort that my body or my heart knew what was going on.

Are they doing any testing on the baby? As I understand it, they only need to tract your hcg levels if it's a suspected partial molar pregnancy. My follow-up was basically just a pelvic exam and a chat.

Again, I'm so sorry you're joining us.

[GlamaGal]

Alicia- So sorry to hear your bad news. My obgyn office gave me subsequent blood tests to make sure the HCG level 1) went down, and 2) was below 2 before they gave me the go ahead to TTC again. I was glad about this because I guess the HCG can remain in your system for up to 35 days, which I think means you could test pg by the next cycle, but not really be (it could be leftover HCG). It's a difficult time, so expect a range of emotions. Even in church today, I was upset and didn't think I'd be like that at this point.

[docoNY]

Alicia I am sorry for your loss - I had a similiar situation (though I never saw the hb). I found out at 9wks 5days that the baby stopped at 6 wks and I never had any sign of an issue and had a d&c to get it over with. I never had as many symptoms as when I was pg with DD but wrote it off over the weeks that every pg is different but now that I think about it I think my gut was right and I tried to ignore it :(

at the visit 2w after the D&C was just a pelvic check and chat. I actually had a 'small' af in between the d&c and the doc visit so that might have been why she didn't check my levels. She said I could TTC right away and the first cycle was wacky - O earlier than normal and AF earlier than normal and AF was longer/heavier than normal

again sorry you are joining us but this thread has been very helpful and I hope it helps you ((hugs))

[Mrs.Chappy]

alicia,
so sorry what you have been through. Your post virtually mirrored my post when i m/c in April. I felt the same way that 'something wasn't right' and when i saw the heartbeat, it made it that much more devastating when i m/c in my 10th week (baby was 8w4d). Please let me know if you need anything. I had teh DnC too and the two week check up w as just urine and a pelvic..the chromosomal testing came back a few weeks later.

[ahavnes]

Thank you ladies so much for your quick replies. I hate that we have this in common, but it is nice to have a place for answers. :o

[hiphopgirl]

Alicia - I'm so sorry for your loss. I keep thinking that if I'd had my appointment at 8 weeks like I did with my last pregnancy that I would have been in the same position as you.

Also, like you I had a funny feeling about this pregnancy. Maybe it's just our brain's way of preparing us for this awful news.

Just like the other people, my 2 week visit was just a pelvic exam and a chat. I just got AF (after 30 days) so we are now in the clear to try again. She never tested my HCG levels.

[ahavnes]

I thought of 2 more questions today.

1. Do they always send away for a pathology report on a D&C? We didn't request the chromosomal testing (if that matters).

2. Does anyone else still physically feel like crap? I guess I should give myself time, but I just feel really shaky and blah. Not nearly as bad as morning sickness, but definitely not great. And my appetite is shot.


hiphopgirl- So you got the ok after one cycle? I wonder what my OB will say...

[firefly]

my due date for the last m/c baby is 2 weeks away. I've never been 40 weeks pregnant my first was 2 weeks early and my second was 5 weeks early.

I'm in a serious funk about it. I should be holding my baby. not waiting for AF to show up.

[Annette]

Alicia-I am so sorry for your loss. To answer your second question, Yes, I felt like crap afterwards moreso emotionally than physically. I'm sure its related to the hormones circulating around your system.
I hope you are doing better this week.

firefly-{{{hugs}}}

How has everyone else been?

me: I've been okay actually. It's been over 4 months. I do know that my due date month will be hard. It will probably be worse if I'm not pg again by that time.

[docoNY]

Alicia
1. Do they always send away for a pathology report on a D&C? We didn't request the chromosomal testing (if that matters). I think they do send away for a pathology report - its to make sure its a product of a pregnancy (doctors words). I didn't request chromosomal testing either - my doc would have if I asked but since its the first mc for me they don't test the first one

2. Does anyone else still physically feel like crap? I guess I should give myself time, but I just feel really shaky and blah. Not nearly as bad as morning sickness, but definitely not great. And my appetite is shot.

I was more emotionally blah than anything.. I had a d&c on a fri and think wed I was ok physically

firefly sending you more ((hugs))

Annette I am ok at the moment too but I am sure I will be lousy in sept if I see my pg SIL and I am still not pg (she is due in Jan like I would have been)

me - just waiting to O - though I am not using OPK's or temping - DH wanted us to just wing it

[ahavnes]

Thank you ladies so much for your answers and support! I think I feel a little better today (physically). Honestly, I feel a lot better emotionally than physically. The thing is that people keep telling me about women who lost full-term babies and such. Ok....that helps me put things in perspective I guess, but it also scares the &$^% out of me for when we get pregnant again!! :eek:Don't they teach a course on how to react to this kind of stuff?

firefly- I'm so sorry for your funk this week. I know that must be hard.

[GlamaGal]

Sorry, firefly, I'm in a holding pattern too. Just do something, body. I completely understand your obsession about the due date.

alicia, I'm thinking about you. I hope you start to feel better. Take real good care of yourself. It will get better. I hate when people tell you worse things to make you feel better about your situation. As if, you have no right to feel bad about this baby because, theirs was... more of a baby?? Those of us who already have children know what that BFP means. We are in love with that PG the moment that second stripe appears.

doco, good luck with the O! Next month I am totally OPKing. Then I am turning DH into a sperm bank. I am a romantic, but at this point let's just do the deed.

me- another friend is PG. Just married, got PG in like 5 weeks. I am envious, but glad for her because it is her 1st and it is a special time. Still, I wish it was me, too. I wish I could see what was in store for us. When will he/she be here? Will I look back on this and it won't be a big deal? Will I get to have three babies? I am reading a lot of books to pass the time.

[firefly]

What I think makes it worse for me is I'm taking fertility meds. I didn't have to with my first 2 and I figured well that should make me get pregnant the first month out. ykwim? So I'm grieving this stupid m/c on so many levels. blech,

[Annette]

For me it was bad cause it was our first pregnancy. I just hope I get to experience a full term one next time.

[GlamaGal]

I hope both of you get good news, soon!

AF came last night. No wonder I've been hoarding the chocolate....

Does anyone find themselves watching shows about births/babies? You'd think I'd steer clear of these...don't know why I'm so drawn to them. I cry each time a baby is born. I don't even know these people. I'm so more emotional ever since being PG with DD. It's like a switch turned on that I can't turn off. Little things "get" to me. Bigger than that, is I hate crying in front of people, anyone, so it becomes a real problem sometimes, even during great moments.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Glam: YES..i totally watch but i shouldn't for my own sanity.

Meanwhile, i must have logged into a pregnancy ticker on my FF account..it broke my heart when i saw that i should have been 7 months pregnant by now...i felt like i was socked in the gut when i saw that..i quickly deleted it and i'm ready (trying) to move on.

[Kelly51703]

Today would have been my due date. Surprisingly, I've done pretty well today. DH has been a little more crabby than usual because of today. It didn't help when FIL brought up more kids the other day and told DH "we need to get on that." :rolleyes:

I got AF on Tuesday. My second one since coming off BCP. We are going to give it a try and hopefully we will have our BFP soon!

[Sand]

Kelly, I've passed two due dates so far...not fun, eh? Just wanted to send you some hugs.

[ahavnes]

I'm so sorry for those of you facing and passing due dates. Yuck. I hope everyone has a good weekend. We definitely deserve it!

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

[firefly]

So I have some good news. :eek:

[ThreeYell]

Oooooo, firefly!!! A few days ago you were waiting for AF. Something tells me she's not coming. :D

[Kelly51703]

Waiting for your good news Firefly ;)

[firefly]

waiting on bloodwork. but the tests are glaringly positive. I'm not late until tomarrow.

[ahavnes]

Congrats!! :)

[Mrs.Chappy]

how exciting!

[Jill1228]

Congrats!!!!!!!

I am in my first 2WW since the m/c and going nuts!

[docoNY]

congrats!!

I think I am in my first 2ww also - going to temp tomorrow to be sure - its cd16 for me and think I ovulated over the weekend

[Mrs.Chappy]

in my 2ww too but pretty sure i'm not preggers..TMI but we didn't exactly 'inseminate'. We are really going to try next month while we are in aruba for our 5th anniv (sans our 2 year old)

[GlamaGal]

firefly, I hope the bloodwork is agreeable to the HPT!

Good luck, everyone!

[kphillips4]

Firefly - CONGRATS!!! I hope that your bloodwork comes back and everything is good. YAY!!!!

[ahavnes]

I am still spotting from the D&C. It's been almost 2 weeks! I just wish it would stop already. :o

[ThreeYell]

ahavnes - I spotted for three weeks and it drove me crazy. BUT, I managed to O at the very end of the spotting. So even though the spotting stinks, your body might still be getting back on track.

[firefly]

I just started bleeding heavily. I'm not in a good place right now.

[Mrs.Chappy]

oh firefly...i'm thinking of you...

[ThreeYell]

Oh firefly. I'm so sorry.

[ahavnes]

firefly-I am so sorry. That is just not right. I'll be thinking of you.

ThreeYell-Thanks for the encouragement. I keep thinking that every day I am spotting is just one more day that my body is not on track, so I am happy to hear that you were able to ovulate despite the spotting (and that I'm not the only one who is spotting for what seems like an eternity. Ugh!)

[Annette]

firefly-I hope your okay. I'll be thinking of you.

[Alanna]

firefly - I am so sorry to hear your news :(

[docoNY]

I am so sorry firefly :(

[firefly]

my hcg levels were 167. we're repeating the test tomarrow to see if it's a viable pregnancy.

I stopped bleeding last night. I'm on 'pelvic rest' until the dr okays it. and hopefully this was just a freakish bleed.

[hiphopgirl]

firefly - I'm thinking about you.

[GlamaGal]

firefly- I had a very normal (for me) 7 day "period" with my healthy pregnancy with DD. The ONLY reason I was not alarmed is because I DID NOT KNOW I was PG. I then went to the Dr. (was in the middle of researching why I was in 9th month- no PG) and had a random PG test which was positive. She said some women just bleed. Every PG is different. Take care of yourself and I'll say a prayer for you.

[Kelly51703]

Firefly I really hope it is a freak thing. Keep us posted!

[docoNY]

firefly thinking of you!!

[kphillips4]

Firefly - thinking of you!!!

[ahavnes]

I had my follow-up for the D&C today. The path report showed that I had a partial molar pregnancy. Needless to say, I am in shock, since we saw a "perfectly normal" baby with a h/b at both 6 and 8 weeks. I think I am going to be sick. Now I have to start the blood draws once a week until they're 0, then once a month for 6 months.

I am never, EVER going to the freaking OB alone again. Not even for a pelvic. It's nothing but bad news lately.

[GlamaGal]

Sorry to hear that Alicia. Are they having you wait to TTC until after the 6 - 7 mos??

[ThreeYell]

Alicia, I'm so sorry. What a terrible blow. :(

[Annette]

Alicia-I'm so sorry that happened to you. {{{hugs}}} I hope you don't have to wait too long to TTC again.

[firefly]

I had my follow-up for the D&C today. The path report showed that I had a partial molar pregnancy. Needless to say, I am in shock, since we saw a "perfectly normal" baby with a h/b at both 6 and 8 weeks. I think I am going to be sick. Now I have to start the blood draws once a week until they're 0, then once a month for 6 months.

I am never, EVER going to the freaking OB alone again. Not even for a pelvic. It's nothing but bad news lately.

Oh nes.... I went through that miniscully. (SP) there is a support group.

um I think it's mymolarpregnancy.com there is so much information on there. I went through the blood draws for a month. before mine was ruled not a a molar pregnancy. :( Thinking of you so much.

[docoNY]

Alicia I am sorry - sending you lots of ((hugs))

[Jill1228]

Alicia, I am so sorry :(

[ahavnes]

Thank you all so much for your wishes. I'll definitely need good vibes and prayers as I have the weekly draws. My hcg came back today at 510. That's a helluva long way from zero, but I dohn't know where I started from. They didn't take my hcg on surgery day b/c we didn't think it was a partial molar.

firefly- Thank you so much for the link to the molar pregnancy website. There are a lot of stories on there that gave good info. I hope your bloodwork comes back with good news.

GlamaGal- The doctor said absolultely NO TTC in the next 6 months for sure b/c a pregnancy could cause the mole to flare up and/or hide tumor activity. Isn't that a cheery thought? :rolleyes: Most of the websites I have seen say to wait a year. At this point, I can't even think about TTC again really.

[firefly]

alicia, some womens numbers are in the tens of thousands. so your doing good . unfortunately with the pregnancy you can't be sure how fast your going to drop it could be really fast like next week be 100 or it could be slow as in 505. I'll be praying that it drops rapidly and you won't need any chemo to kill the cancers parts.

my numbers came back excellent. I'm almost at 500 myself.

[firefly]

oh for some info on the molar with a partial it's 6 mo after being at 0 and staying at 0 for 6 mo. and with the full molar it's 12 mo becuase the pgcy hormones mask the cancer. so if it's been 'dormant' for 6 or 12 mo the likelyhood of it coming back is negligable.

I did way to much research on this in December.

[ThreeYell]

Yay for those numbers, firefly! We need some good news around here.

[ahavnes]

firefly-Yeah, my doctor said he has seen numbers in the millions (but that was with a complete molar pregnancy). The nurse I spoke with yesterday said that the 510 alone doesn't mean anything, it's all about what happens next week. Kind of like you're waiting for your betas, but my situation is reversed. I hope mine keep going down and yours keep going up! :o

[firefly]

Alicia~

I'll take all 510 of your beta's if you could find a way to ship them:p

Will the take away the dx if your numbers drop fast enough? That's what my ob did. That and they found no fetal tissue in my d&c.

Thinking of you.

[docoNY]

firefly hope your #'s keep on rising and Alicia hope yours keep on dropping!!

[ahavnes]

firefly- No, it's a definite dx based on the pathology report from the D&C. Sucks. He was adamant about the 6 months of testing once we reach zero. Honestly, I am ok with that. I don't even mind waiting a year. I am just so horrified by this whole thing that I can't even think about being pregnant again. It scares the crap out of me at this point. :o

docoNY-Thanks!

[firefly]

alicia, darn. I was hoping that maybe the pathology wasn't conclusive. :( Have you read around on mmp website a bit? there are many babies born after molars. I am not pressuring you just letting you know that it's very probably to have a healthy pregnancy after a molar.

((()))

[ahavnes]

firefly- Oh, I definitely want to try to have another child, I just need to wait a bit. My OB was adamant that I can go on to have many healthy babies...this is just a stumbling block. Honestly, in some ways it's good b/c it takes the pressure off for TTC again. It is MAKING us wait 6 months to a year, which I think we probably need to do for emotional reasons anyway. :) Thank you again for referring me to the website. It has been very helpful.

[Annette]

Alicia-How are you doing? I'm so sorry about what you are having to go through right now. I'll take some of your betas too :)

I just found out I'm pregnant again on Thursday. It was a really late BFP. Right now I'm on progesterone supplements and I go back to the doc today for another blood draw to see if my HCG #'s are doubling. I really hope they are cause I really don't want to go through another loss. My HCG was only 53 the day I got my BFP which was 17dpo. I really don't know what this means as far as pregnancy viability. Anyway, just thought I'd post here since I could use some support right now. Thanks.

[kphillips4]

Alicia - Good luck on your numbers coming down. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this and I hope that it will be the end of the problems for you.

Annette - Congrats on your pregnancy and let us know how your numbers come back!!!

Firefly - Good luck with your pregnancy as well!!!

[MLA]

I guess I'll join

MLA
Name:MLA, 32
DH:DH, 29
Married: June 19, 2004
M/C currently in process -- 6 wks (July 2007)
TTC: As soon as I we can

I had some spotting at 15 DPO. Then last Saturday (24 DPO) I started to spot again, and on Sunday (25 DPO) I started to bleed heavily and cramp. Monday it continued and I went to the doctor. I'm still awaiting my beta numbers, but the doctor basically said he had no reason to think that they were doing anything other than going down. So I've lost this pregnancy. Yesterday was a really up and down sort of day for me. Today I'm doing a bit better -- I'm hopped upon tons of Motrin so the cramping's not so bad, and I'm back at work, which is helping to keep my mind occupied. But it's hard to focus on anything besides what's going on with my body right now.

[firefly]

Alicia what day is your blood draws? have you gotten this weeks results?

MLA Sorry to see you here. I hope that everything resolves soon and your 'graduating' again.

[AliMC]

MLA - I am so sorry to see you here. My heart is with you!

[ahavnes]

MLA-I'm so sorry you are here, but you will find some great support.

firefly-I get my draws on Wednesday, so I am going tomorrow morning. I will keep you all posted. Are you still getting draws? I hope they are going up!

[firefly]

Alicia,
my levels are up high enough for an U/S I go on Friday. I'll be praying that your levels have at least halved.

[MLA]

Thanks, guys. The thing that got to me the most about this was the doctor I saw.

This is from my LJ:

I've been a mess. And the doctor (not my usual doctor) really didn't help things much. He pretty much just chided me for taking a pregnancy test so soon after my missed period. He made me feel stupid. He told me not to take another pregnancy test until my period was at least 4 weeks late. WTF? It's not like by then I wouldn't already know I was pregnant and if I did end up "having a period" I'd know it was a miscarriage, so what good would that do me? It just pisses me off that he made me feel like my experience wasn't really anything important and that I'd somehow brought it on myself. It's really not cool. He even told me that he wouldn't call what I "experienced" a "pregnancy." Yeah. Good stuff.
And while I was lying on the table (curled up in the fetal position because of the cramps), he directed most of his talking to DH. It felt like he was talking ABOUT me rather than TO me.

After the issues I've had w/the OB/GYN practice my current doctor's a part of, I'm leaving it. I'm going to find a new doctor who will be willing to help me through any fertility issues. I'm pretty sure I have progesterone issues, and the jerk doctor I saw (who's the head of the practice, by the way) told me that if it was progesterone issues they wouldn't have done anything about it until they heard a heartbeat. WTH? If my progesterone's low, the chances of getting to the point of hearing a heartbeat are next to nil.

[sea74]

Just stepping in to say that MLA the way that "doctor" treated you was WRONG :( I'm so, so, so sorry he made you feel that way. You WERE pregnant and for him to say it he wouldn't have called your "expereince" a Pregnancy" is CRAP! And WHAT woman in this day and age would NOT take a PG test for 4 weeks if she were TTC? I'm so :mad: at him for how he treated you, it's making my blood boil! I'm glad you're getting out of that practice.

[MLA]

Thanks, sea. I thought he was way out of line. DH agreed -- he was really surprised that the doctor talked to him pretty much the whole time instead of me.

It's like that doctor thinks it's 1954 and that women don't know anything about their bodies or their cycles -- that it's the "menfolk" who really understand everything and that we should just be quiet little mice and listen to what they have to say. It just makes me really mad.

I plan to write a letter to my current doctor to let her know why I'm leaving. Maybe it will make a difference and this doctor will think twice about opening his mouth. Unfortunately he's the head of the practice, so I'm not hopeful that it will really do much.

[sea74]

I'd totally write the letter, the other Doc should know how the head of her practice treats people!

[ThreeYell]

MLA, I'm so sorry you're joining us. And I'm livid on your behalf at the way your doctor treated you. There's no excuse for his behavior.

[Tiniest Angels]

Ladies, it's almost time for a new thread. This one has been around for quite a while and there's some old information in the roll call posts. I was thinking of dividing the thread members into 2 categories - something like current members and alums. Unless people ask me to do otherwise, I'll probably move anyone who hasn't posted in the thread in the past 6 months to the alum section.

Please PM me (ThreeYell) if you have any questions or concerns.

Also, if you haven't added your stats yet and want to, please post them in this thread.

Thanks everyone!

[MLA]

Thanks, threeyell.

[Annette]

MLA-Your doctor is an a-hole! How awful that you had to experience that. {{{hugs}}}. I'd write the letter too.

me: got my blood draw results back today and it was at 115, so it took 4 days to double. The doc wants me in again on Monday for another blood test. He still thinks there's hope and said to call if I start bleeding. Ugh, I want answers now!

question-If I miscarry, will I start bleeding if I am on progesterone supplements?

[docoNY]

MLA I am sorry for your loss and about that horrible experience with that doctor.. I just so pissed of for you - 4 wks after a missed period!! WTF! I hope you are doing ok and find a new doc asap!

Annette no idea about progesterone supplements but fingers crossed and hoping your numbers take off!

Alicia good luck in the morning!

firefly yeah for having an u/s appt! :)

me ~ well I officially got the news that my SIL is due Jan 14th - which was 4 days after my due date.. blah - we knew it was Jan and I had a feeling it was close to my due date so just doing blah and work has been lousy too lately.. is it Friday yet?!

[hiphopgirl]

MLA - I'm so sorry you are joining this thread, but mostly I'm sorry you have such a jerk for a doctor. WTF! I totally think you should write that letter. Your actual doctor should know that the head of the practice is chasing her patients away. I've never heard such a line of bull in my whole life.

Annette - I have no idea about the supplements. I hope someone here can answer. I can't imagine how scary this is for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed that if the doctor's have hope that there is still hope.

doco - I'm so sorry. I still get a little choked up when I hear due dates within weeks of mine. Having one in the family would be pretty hard. Hugs.

[ahavnes]

MLA- I have been thinking about your "doctor" all night. What a crock! What woman in her right mind would wait 4 weeks to test if she were TTC? Ummm....if your period is that late, you don't need a damn test to tell you that you're preggo. Is this guy from the 1930's or something? :rolleyes: I am so, so sorry you had to deal with that--especially during a m/c. I agree that you should write the letter. (And maybe a pimp slap too! ;))

Annette- I wish I knew about the progesterone. Hoping the numbers take off soon!

Doco- I am so sorry about the due date. One of my close friends is due February 10th (5 days after I was due). I know how hard that is. It sucks.