Support for Ladies Who Have Miscarried (#2)

[Steve's Sweety]

Jennifer -

I am so, so sorry.
I will be thinking of you.

I have avoided the mall ever since we lost our baby. I avoid most any situation where I might see a pregnant woman or little baby. I haven't even talked to 2 of my friends who have had babies since we lost ours, I just can't.

I did not have a d&c but I have heard they want you to wait anywhere from 2-3 months afterward, depending on the provider.
As far as affecting your cycle, again I cannot speak from expereince but what I have read says that not necessarily the d&c, but a miscarriage can change your cycles. It does not do that to everyone though.

Please know that my thoughts are with you during this very difficult time and please come in any time you just need to get something out.

[Steve's Sweety]

jeggink -

I don't think I have seen you post in here before, but I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your losses. It is completely unfair for anyone to have one, let alone more than that, and I am so sad for you.
My thoughts will be with you.

[jeggink]

Steve's Sweetie Thank you, I appreciate it. It has been a very rough year for us with a m/c in Jan, a m/c in April and now Kayla. I used to be part of this thread earlier this year after my 1st m/c.

[shouldaeloped]

I am so sorry to see so many new faces. this is a great support group but such a sad place to be.

jeggink- my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I know there are no words to make you feel better but please know that I am thinking about you and hoping for some level of healing for you and your family.

sydney- I have miscarried twice, once naturally and one d&c. my answers to your questions:

How long do you have to wait after a D&C to TTC again? we were told 3 months.
When will AF come after a D&C? it took AF about 40 days to show back up.
Will it affect my cycle? I always had 28 day cycles, which made pinpointing my O date very easy. I hope that will stay the same my cycles were actually more normal after my d&c. 32 days every one whereas before they were somewhere between 28 and 35 days.
Is a D&C painful? Do I need to stay at home for a while? I was put under for my d&c. I stayed home the day of and could have gone back to work the next day but chose to stay home for emotional healing.
I have heard that you are more fertile after a D&C (like with a laparascopy). Is that true? One of my friends fell pregnant the month after her D&C, so at least for her it must have worked. I have heard this too. we started trying 2 months after the d&c and it took us 2 months to get pregnant. so i choose to believe that yes, you are more fertile!

[Steve's Sweety]

I still need the thread so you are not alone Tish. I just don't get to it that often. I think I have finally maybe stopped bleeding but am still wearing liners because last time I thought I was done (it stopped for 2 days) and I took off a pad, it started up again! I bleed a little over 6 weeks so I am really hoping to be done now!

I had my post operative check up for my 2nd D&C on Tuesday and the Dr. said things are normal finally and this nightmare is finally over (the physical part anyway.) I guess I just feel really alone since I don't know anyone else and have not read about anyone else who has gone through what I have. Not that I wish it on anyone, it is horrible enough to lose your baby as it is, but I just wish I didn't feel like such a freak that I needed 2 D&C's and that I couldn't pass the baby naturally or even after Cytotec. It makes me terrified to ever be pregnant again and that really is my biggest struggle right now. A small part of me wants to be pregnant again but the rest of me is scared to death.Julia -
I have been wanting to post and tell you that I am glad you are finally done bleeding. I know for me it was a continual reminder of the loss so it was a relief to be done.

But mostly what I have been wanting to tell you is that I know of someone who went through a situation a lot like yours. I found her on another support board and would be happy to try to put you 2 in touch if you think it would help.

I am sorry that you are feeling bad about how your situation went. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. Do you go to any support groups or counseling?


jeggink -
You are welcome. Thank you for taking the time to come in here to try to help someone else when you are going through so much yourself.

[Jill1228]

Sydney, I have the same questions too. I have my u/s tomorrow to see if I have to go for a D&C. I haven't had much spotting or anything like that


I almost had a meltdown in target seeing a newborn :(

[pacificbliss]

Just thinking of Jill

[alootikki]

I just had my 2nd ob appointment an hour ago, and feel so numb. Today I am 8weeks, 1day, and the baby was measuring "somewhere around 6 weeks" and the Dr. said it was too small to see a heartbeat. She said there is still hope, and I have another ultrasound for next Thursday - but honestly I am just devastated.

I think the only way there is "hope" and that it's ok that the baby is measuring that behind would be if I had my dates totally wrong - and I was charting, so I'm positive that my ovulation/conception date is right. I'm just feeling so numb right now - DH was like "Let's just be positive until next week" - but I know it is so unlikely that things will be ok.

I'm sorry - I'm rambling. We got pregnant on the first try, I was so excited - I can't believe this is happening now. And I feel fine. No spotting, my breasts are still sore, and this morning I felt some nausea for the first time. I'm just in shock.

[Steve's Sweety]

Jill -
Also thinking of you.
Let us know what the Dr. says.


alootikki -
I am so sorry.
I will send some positive thoughts your way and hope that you don't have to come back in here.
No being sorry for what you say here. You come and say whatever it is you need to say.

[Jill1228]

I had my u/s today and after my wild joke cracking, I will probably forever be banned from the u/s machine at Sutter Tracy Hospital. They had to break down and do a vaginal u/s. Ya know I said I might as well laugh and deal with this with a lot of humor

I see my OB on Monday morning to see what we should do

thanks for the answers to the d&c questions and stuff

[pacificbliss]

alootikki I am so sorry. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for you and hope things look better next week.

APhiJill could they tell you anything today? What did you see? I'm feeling a little dense today and can't figure out what they told you.

[Jill1228]

The tech couldn't tell me anything. They are forwarding the results to my doctor (who is literally across the street). I won't see him till Monday morning

[Steve's Sweety]

Jill -
I can't believe they are making you wait all weekend to know what is going on with your body!

--------

Me, I'm still taking it one day at a time. Sometimes the Dr's voice just resonates in my head, telling us.

[Jill1228]

I had blood drawn today

i will find out if the HCG numbers have gone down. it wasn't a good day. The woman checking me in was typing up the info and she saw the diagnosis code and was like:
"You know what this blood test is for right? I don't want you to get upset when you see it written up

OK anyone with access to a computer or a DSM (diagnosis code book) can look up what the code is. I used to have one when I worked for a psych facility

I said, "having someone use a probe up my va-jay-jay yesterday was a dead giveaway!"
I didn't help that the lab was near the labor and delivery ward and after I left I walked to my car and saw someone loading up a newborn into their car.

I went to Applebees and drowned my sorrow in a Margarita (first one since my BFP) and chocolate. I just went home and wanted to be alone. Dave was like "I thought you were doing better". Uh I am entitled to meltdowns. Had a beer too and damn it, I enjoyed it

So I have to wait till 11 am Monday to see Dr. Lo

[pacificbliss]

Thinking of you Jill and hoping the Dr. has some good news.

[Jill1228]

Quick update. The doctor had news...


all bad though

Do I have a target or a sign on me saying "Please Bitch Slap Me Today"?

In about an hour and a half I gotta go back to the hospital to check in. I have a D&C scheduled tomorrow.

Dr. Lo told me that there is a fetus there. I should be almost 7 weeks along but the fetus is at 3. And there is no heartbeat. Since I have had no cramping and very light bleeding, he scheduled me tomorrow for the D&C. I could wait but right now I want to get it over with...

[kdotp]

Oh Jill I'm so sorry.

I know I haven't been back to this thread in a long time, but I do think about everyone and am so sad when I see new members have been added.

[pacificbliss]

Sorry Jill. I went in right away for my D&C too. I hope you heal quickly.

[polkadot]

so sorry Jill...words can do nothing right now..((hugs)) and prayers to you and your family

[bellabonga]

All the best to you, Jill. We are thinking of you.

[Steve's Sweety]

Jill -
Thinking of you today.
{{HUggSS}}

[pacificbliss]

Just dropping by to wish Jill a peaceful recovery.

[kerrykate]

Today was a really bad day. I had an appt to hear the heartbeat, the doctor couldn't find it so he sent me for an ultrasound, I was supposed to be 10w 5d and the baby only measured 9 weeks and didn't have a heartbeat. I had an u/s when I was 6w 5d and saw the baby and a heartbeat so I think it gave us a false sence of security. I feel completely dooped by my body, it didn't give me any indication that the baby had died. This is my 3rd m/c and we are so heartbroken. What a great Christmas:rolleyes: I just want to crawl in a hole, I can't believe I'm going through this again. I am having a d&c tomorrow.

Stats:
kerrykate
Name, Kerry, 30
Dh, Fred 30
Married 27 Oct 01
DD: 4 Oct 03
M/C: 6-01, 3-06, 12-06
TTC: ?

[Jill1228]

Kerrykate, I am so sorry :(

I am recovering well here. It went better than I thought

[polkadot]

oh kerry..i am so sorry...i cant imagine...words can not express my sympathy. (((hugs)))

[Tiniest Angels]

Updated

Kerry, Though I wish you didn't have to join, welcome. (jenah)

[pacificbliss]

So sorry Kerry

[jeggink]

I am so sorry Jill & Kerry!

[bellabonga]

I´m so sorry, Kerry! Hope at least everything goes well today.

Good to hear that you are recovering well, Jill!

[alootikki]

Can I ask some questions? My ultrasound to "check viability" is tomorrow, but this morning I checked internally (sorry if TMI) and I have a little bit of light brown spotting, and I saw a tiny clot as well. My cervix feels very open; I used to check it when charting, and it has never felt that open.

Does this mean a natural miscarriage is starting? What should I expect? I'm not in pain. Do I need to call the doctor? I am feeling more resigned mentally; but physically I am scared of what will happen and what I might see.

Thanks ladies, it is comforting to know that others have been in this same boat. :o

[bellabonga]

alootikki, I´m sorry but I don´t really have an answer to your question. All I know is that you are not supposed to check your cervix once you are pregnant because that might cause an infection. Mostly brown spotting is okay because that means that it is old blood. Good luck!

[alootikki]

Thanks bella - I've just been checking my cervix sporadically (with super washed hands!) since we got the news of no heartbeat last week. It was just driving me crazy that my body didn't seem to realize something was wrong - but now it seems like it's happening. I will call my dr., maybe she'll want me to come in earlier.

[kerrykate]

Thanks everyone. I have a question, what was your first AF like after your D&C? I've only been spotting since the D&C yesterday and my doctor gave me methergine to take so I don't bleed alot. So does this mean my first AF is going to be awful???

[pacificbliss]

kerrykate I think there is a lot of variation in what women experience after a m/c. I don't know anything about that medication. Sorry. FWIW, my first AF was mild but the second I had a lot of cramping.

[Steve's Sweety]

Kerry -
Oh no. I am completely bummed to see you here.
I remember you from way back in the day and I am just so sad for you. It is completely unfair and I really hope that this time you get some answers because it is just not right for you to have had to go through this so many times.

I can't answer your d&c question because I didn't have one, but I have my first AF since my cytotec induced m/c (my body did not recognize the loss either) and it is not any worse than usual.


aloo -
I would say that that means that your body is starting to m/c.
Did you see the Dr?

[alootikki]

Hi everyone - I had another ultrasound today and it confirmed what I knew...the baby hadn't grown at all, and no heartbeat. So I'll be having a D&C tomorrow, just waiting to find out what time.

I feel ok for the most part - it was hardest/saddest last week when suddenly something wasn't right. I am just hoping that the procedure and the next few weeks go by quickly - I just want to be pregnant again (with a healthy baby!) as soon as possible.

Kerry - I'm sorry to hear of your loss too - we both would have been July mommies.

[Jill1228]

Sorry to hear the news aloo. I will be thinking about you tomorrow.

I was wondering about AF post D&C too. I have done very little (if any bleeding)

[alootikki]

Thanks APhiJill - I'm glad to hear your procedure wasn't that bad (it's comforting!)

My guess on AF would be that it's unrelated - your dr probably just did a very thorough job on clearing everything out, so that's why you aren't bleeding much? Then AF next time would just be normal (I hope).

[Steve's Sweety]

<SIGH>

I am watching my friend's little boy now (sleeping currently) and it is getting to me. My little guy is so helpful with him and I didn't want my kids to be more than 3 yrs apart. Doggone it, I want my May baby!

I'm sure it's not helping that AF showed up. I just sat on the couch and cried the rest of the night when she showed and couldn't even eat dinner.
I was so hoping to be PG again by Christmas.

Man this sucks.

[alootikki]

I'm sorry Tish...are you babysitting for your friend? Is there anyway you could get some distance for a while? I hope the next few weeks go by quickly for you!

For those of you who've had a D&C - was the pain bad afterwards? My dr. gave me a prescription for tylenol with codeine - is that really necessary?

[Jill1228]

I didn't have pain until 2 days later (today). They gave me the meds with dope and ibuprofen. If you don't have to take the dope, use the ibuprofen

[kerrykate]

I really haven't had any pain from the D&C. I thought I would be bleeding and cramping but I've only barely been spotting and not in any pain. The doctor gave me vicodin and 800mg motrin. The doc said it was ok to mix the 2 so I took one of each the first night because I expected to be in a lot of pain but I am feeling good physically and I didn't feel the need at all to take any meds yesterday, emotionally has been really tough. I can't believe this happened again. My doctor has been wonderful and is going to do blood work to see I have any problems. My sister has the clotting disorder and had to give herself heprin shots when she was pg so my doc is goint to test me for that too.

Steve's Sweety~ Of course I remeber you from the LIW on WC. It stinks we have to be in a thread like this together. I know how you feel about not wanting your kids to be more than 3 yrs apart, I didn't want that either now they'll be at least 4 years apart...

alootikki~ I'm so sorry you have to go through a D&C, although the procedure wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Take care and I'll be thinking about you today.

[Steve's Sweety]

aloo -
It is actually a semi long term gig - I had agreed to start watching him before I lost the baby, but it got pushed out to just starting last week.
The worst part is, she is due with her 2nd just a few wks before I was.

I am thinking of you today and hope everything goes as well as it can.


Jill -
How are you feeling other than crampy?


Kerry -
I really hope they can give you some answers. It just doesn't make sense that you had Lauren w/o really any problems (IIRC) first...I'm sure you have been thinking that so I hope me saying it doesn't make you feel worse...
I just really feel bad for you and want you to get answers!

And not that we don't want you here, but in case you didn't know, there is a thread for support on multiple miscarriages here too.

I don't know if this is just a "normal" feeling after having a m/c, or my women's intuition telling me something, but I am scared to death that I am going to end up in that category. Everyone keeps saying (even the new OB I saw) "You already had one healthy baby, so you know you can"...
But obviously that isn't necessarily true or there wouldn't be secondary infertility!

[Foofie357]

I don't post much, but I do read along. I am sorry for all those that have joined this group recently. My heart sinks everytime I see a new member posting.

I found out the baby had no heartbeat on Monday and I had the D&E Thursday night. I wanted to wait to have it naturally, but by Thursday, I was clotting so badly and bleeding through my clothes at work. I was really scared to wait much longer, so I went into triage that night. The only pain I had following the D&E was immediately when I woke up. I don't remember having much pain afterwards and I was bleeding far less. The recovery was much easier then what I went through Monday-Thursday before the D&E.

I was told to wait 2 cycles and then we could start trying again. My miscarriage was in February and I got pregnant again in July. I am now 25 weeks pregnant and due March 29 or 31 depending on who you ask.

Eventhough, I am pregnant now with a healthy boy, I miss my little girl. I miss her especially because this would be her first Christmas, she would be about 3 months old. I treasure this little boy inside me, but I also ache for Abigail. I cry for her and wonder why I couldn't keep her.

I wish everyone a nice holiday eventhough we will miss our little angels.

[AirForceLove]

Well I never actually thought I would ever be joining this group. As I am typing this, the tears in my eyes are making is hard to type so if I have typos I am sorry.

Name:Jen, 32
DH:Lenny, 28
Married: February 15th, 2003
M/C 6 weeks, January 2002
M/C 4 weeks, 3 days July 2004
M/C 4 weeks, 4 days Dec 2006
TTC: As soon as I we can

A little about us. Lenny and I have 2 beautiful boys, Lenny III - 2 1/2 and Frankie - 1 1/2. We are trying to have our last baby. We started TTC in September of this year and on Dec 10th (the day after my b-day) we got a BFP.

Last night, Dec 14th, I started bleeding and went to the ER. The doctor did a blood and urine test and both came back negative. The HGC levels in my blood were at and 8. He came back in told me that I was no longer pregnant and sent me on my way. No pain meds, no quarters from work, NOTHING.

I go into work today (I am in the military and you have to be on quarters to be excused from work) and my boss tells me to go home and she is going to call the ER to find out why I was not on pain meds and to find out why I was not on quarters. The a$$hole doctor told her it was because it didn't look like I was in that much pain!

I am so heartbroken right now. All I can think about it this little lost soul that I was suppose to be the mommy to. I know he or she is in heaven right now but I was suppose to his or her mommy.

I know I have two WONDRFUL boys right now and that is more than some families have but it really pi$$es me off when someone tell me that I have to boys and I should be happy about that. Well, I am happy about that, but can't I long for another child? Arn't I allowed to hurt because I lost the baby that was growing inside of me? When is this hurt going to go away?

[bellabonga]

Foofie, we are in the same boat. I miscarried in late May and got pregnant again in late August. Right now I´m 17 weeks pregnant and I´m very thankful for that. But apart from being constantly scared that something might go wrong again with this pregnancy too, I miss the little girl I was supposed to have. We named her Olivia and today would have been her EDD.

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

AFL: take it easy on you.....and don't expect the hurt to just disappear...

[Jill1228]

Tish, I am feeling ok besides the cramps and bleeding. I have my doc appt on Monday

[lorbo]

Name:lori, 35 for a few more weeks
DH:jimbo, 36
Married: dec 1, 2001
kids: DD 1/03
DS 1/05
M/C 13 weeks
TTC: don't know
the last two days- i had the perinat appt on thursday. earlier in the week, i was ultrasounded myself at work and something just didn't seem right to me...but my work's u/s isn't clear, and isn't the greatest. thought maybe i was just making myself worry more...hell, i was 13 weeks...coming out of the first trimester....we heard the baby's heartbeat just last thursday at the ob's office and i was told it a nice strong heartbeat. on u/s on thursday, i knew right away that the tech couldn't find a heartbeat-the baby just looked like it was sleeping, fully formed-quite normal looking. when she left to get the doctor, she told me later, that she knew i knew-well, i've only had uncountable numbers of u/s with my pregnancies in the past. the doctor rescanned and i'm the one who said there's no heartbeat. he told me i'd probably have a d&e because of so much tissue-though i could miscarry naturally-though there were no signs of that happening anytime soon. i had to leave the office and tell my sister who was waiting in the hall with my kids-she was shocked. i called DH on the walk across to the hospital and he practically ran out of work and met me immediately-considering where he was coming from. he's taking it quite hard-his eyes were very red and he knows he'll have to explain to his coworkers why he was so upset...just as i'll have to explain to mine, why i was unable to attend a meeting, do my mandatory on call, and not work on sun/mon. i had the d&e yesterday-my doctor is amazing and tried to make us feel better-though he stressed he knew that not much would make us feel better. merry christmas to us is how i feel right now and i kind of wish the holidays would be over...but i have DD and DS...and January is a huge birthday month for my family. i also had to explain everything to my almost four year old and email her preschool teacher, in case she says anything in class. we are having chromosomal testing done and maybe we'll have an answer, though i told my sister, the sac just didn't look right to me, she theorized maybe there was a hole in the sac...something to keep in mind if the testing comes back okay. either way, i'll know the sex of the baby, though DH doesn't care, well, he says he doesn't care. as far as my high risk status, both of my ob doctors feel that my rh status had nothing to do with the loss of this baby-my doctor yesterday said the baby was completley normal looking on ultrasound, not swollen or anything...so to not worry about it. my throat is sore, so i think i was tubed or my sister thinks they may have stuck a mask on me that goes in to my throat...but i was never told that. DH hasn't said too much, other than trying to support me when i start to cry. we never told his parents/sister...just in case. he still doesn't want to tell them-i know the reaction would be to not acknowledge the loss to me and i think that hurts the most of all, even the stupid comments people make. DH said we'll talk about another pregnancy after the chromosome studies come back, hell maybe i'm just too old. the earliest we'd probably consider trying to get pregnant might be march, as i don't want to deal with being big in the summer-i have really bad foot issues. DD really wants a baby sister-though i think she'd be happy with a baby brother as well. i just want one more baby, to enjoy pregnancy one last time, childbirth, pregnancy and breastfeeding and seeing my kids interact with another sibling-i don't feel like my family is complete just yet.
my bleeding is minimal, considering that i was 13 weeks along, and the baby was developed to 12 weeks. i have tylenol with codeine and ibuprofen...i should probably take something. DH is supposed to bring some cepacol lozenges for my throat issues-i was wondering why i was so gravelly sounding when i woke up yesterday from the surgery. i dread having to tell the few people i work with, who knew.

i've already had two stinging comments-from my family no less-my mom was shocked as she called me back from atlantic city and said the baby's gone-i said no the baby's not gone, the baby died and i have to have surgery tomorrow. she then remarked well, it's better it happened now, that something must have been wrong, etc. i cut her off mid-sentence and started yelling at her, no it's not okay that it happened now, there's still a baby in there, just a dead baby who died sometime this week-a baby i was never going to meet and watch grow up...so it wasn't okay.
then i called my aunt, who was upset as well-i could hear the tears in her voice. she then proceeded to tell me that i have a boy and a girl and it's not her decision to make, but i should stop and not have any more children...even though i said my rh sensitization was most likely not an issue. i had to cut the phone call short. talked to my mom last night and my aunt was over. my mom said my aunt told her she said more than she should have said and knew that she crossed the line...especially with somebody in that circumstance. that's about all i can say now...so i've had my second D&E and DH keeps wondering why is it that we've lost 2 and had 2? to that, i have no answer...

[JRose]

I'm sorry I haven't been around much.

It breaks my heart that we have so many people joining/rejoining us.

I can't remember all of the questions that have been posted...but I know it was something about D&Cs...I didn't take any pain meds with mine. I had very little cramping and bleeding was pretty minimal. Definitely not the same as after I had my son. I was told to wait 4 months (Feb.) until I get pg again. Not because of any problems, but because my Dr. has experience with women having repeat m/c if they get pg right away again. So she said it was better to be patient and wait. I still don't know if we are going to try again.

I've been handling everything ok. But a friend of mine in town is due the day after I was and I just found out that she is smoking while pg. That bugs me more than anything.

AF showed up today which means my LP and O date are right on track. Good to know for the future huh?

I'm keeping everyone in my thoughts this week. I'm sorry I don't have more time to do individual shout outs.

[jenahdawn]

pasting from my lj:

Tonight we went for Japanese. I was doing good until we walked into the restaurant.....and there was a woman breastfeeding a tiny girl.

I just turned away and bit my bottom lip.

Then we were seated.....and guess who was seated at the same table? Yep.....which made me completely lose it in front of a table full of strangers....so much so that we moved to another table at the other side of the restaurant.

And this is with my meds (I don't think I told you....I'm now on Prozac.....) doubled as of yesterday......

I was doing okay (well, not okay, but not a zombie and not on the verge of tears) today. I could even look at the woman at work who is due 2/13.....granted, she was sitting at her desk, turned towards her computer so I didn't have to see her belly....

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

[pacificbliss]

AFL and Lorbo I am so sorry to see you both here. This is a very supportive group and I hope you find some comfort here.

jenahdawn I'm so sorry. I found it so hard to see pg women or small babies. It got better with time. I hope you find some peace soon.

[lilhimley]

Hi Everyone. I worked so much the last two weeks at both my jobs and I try not to read this thread while I'm at work because I'll cry at my desk. I've just caught up a bit and I'm so sorry that we have new members, but I'm glad that you've come here for support.

About the D&Cs, I had one while awake that was horribly painful and I'll never do that awake again! Very little bleeding. I had one under general anesthesia that was really easy and painless and recover was very minimal - very little bleeding. I also had one to go in and just scrape out some scar tissue under general anestheis. That one was hard because they actually tore a hole in my uterus when I woke up during the anesthesia (ya, fun!) and I had to stay overnight for monitoring and it was painful. Moderate bleeding. For all three, I was told to wait for one full cycle and to TTC after I got my period, which came 7 weeks after surgery each time.

Jill - I'm glad you are physically recovering alright.

kerrykate - I hope you are healing well and am sorry for your loss. My doctors say AF shouldn't change, but mine is definitely heavier now with tiny clots that I never had before.

alootikki - I'm sorry this one didn't work for you. I hope you are doing well after the surgery and wish you luck on TTC again.

Steve's Sweety - I so wanted to pregnant by Christmas too and it didn't happen. Now I'm hoping to get pregnant at Christmas. Taking care of other kids is hard for me too. I nanny as a second job and the family I work for is my age and they just had their second baby and it's hard not to thing "why not me?" all the time.

Foofie and Bella - Even if someday I have a healthy baby, I too, will miss and long for my little girl we lost at 14 weeks due to down syndrome. She doesn't just leave my heart because she left my body. I feel for you and wish you both the best with your little ones. Keep us posted.

AirForceLove - I'm so sorry for your losses. I wish I could tell you when the pain will go away, but I'm sure you know it's not something we can control.
Can I just say that your boys are indeed beautiful? Such sweet faces. :)

Bella, I lit a candle to honor Olivia's EDD.

Lorbo, so sorry to see you here. Your story is similar to mine where we thought all was fine because we had made it to 12.5 weeks until the down syndrome was discovered and on the ultrasound she just looked like a perfect little baby. We were so excited that we made it this far since the last m/c was discovered at 7 weeks. It was heartbreaking and shocking. We are now TTC again, but it's so terrifying.

JRose - about your friend smoking while pregnant, that really pisses me off. So selfish.

Jenah - I hope you are gradually healing with the meds and counseling. I think of you often. There is a woman in my support group who lost twin boys about a year ago and she just rejoined our group since it's hard during the holidays. I told her about putting angel footprints at the top of her xmas tree and she really liked that idea.

Has anyone else noticed how many Jen's we have in this group? I guess it's a common name, but I find it interesting.

I don't know when I'll be able to post again, so I wish you all the best holiday you can have under the circumstances. May you find some peace with friends and family during this season.

Jennifer Dawn

[Jill1228]

Jenahdawn-I had to leave target the other day when i saw a lady with a newborn...I feel ya

I am having more pain today and the symptoms are still lingering...sick F-ing joke if you ask me

. I felt nauseous and had to go home from shopping. My BBs still hurt and my smell is still heightened. And the suck ass thing about it is if I take an HPT right now, i would still get a BFP. WTF? I had the D&C done...why don't the symptoms just go away! do they want to stay around just to torture me? It is a sick joke I tell you!


Ok that is my whine for today

[firefly]

I would be
5 w 4 d
I just started bleeding. I am very okay with it. I know that may sound terrible but I've suspected that this pregnancy isn't viable from the moment I found out. Lots of signs that it wasn't going to go well. I have been having my beta's checked for the last almost 2 weeks they doubled from 15 to 33 then after a week they were only 88 so I was pretty sure that it wasn't a good thing.

I have an appointment to get my betas rechecked onthe 20th. (scheduled before I started bleeding tonight) Do I need to DO anything? I mean going to the ER won't tell me anything I don't already know. ykwim? I haven't had cramping yet.


and does this count as CD1? :confused:

[firefly]

I am very sorry for all of your losses this would be my 5th loss. This is the 2nd longest I have gone though. I seem to loose pregnancies very early like at 4 w 2 d So they are chemical I would assume. The first was the hardest for me. I cried for months it seemed.


I'm not going to offically join the group but I do lurk. Thank you

[AirForceLove]

HI everyone. Thanks for the welcome. I am doing good. The bleeding was at its worst yesterday. Today the cramping is almost gone. I am still hurting on the inside though. Christmas is going to be hard this year because we were going to announce to DH family on Christmas morning that we were going to have a new baby. I am lucky that I have my 2 boys that keep me happy. It is almost like my 2 1/2 year old knows that something is wrong because he has been very affectionate to me and has been giving me more hugs and kisses than ever. It really helps.


and does this count as CD1? I have the same question. DH and I concieved our our oldest boy 12 days after our first m/c. I don't know if it was just a fluke or what. I have been told that you are very fertile after a m/c.

lilhimley Thanks :) My boys, and DH of course, are the ones that are keeping me happy. Just looking at them I know things will get better.

firefly I sorry for you loss. Do the doctors know why you keep m/c?

lorbo I so sorry for the comments that you got from your family. It just upsets me when someone say well, you have other kids. Is that suppose to me make it any less painful?

[abbylynn]

Name: Abby, 28
DH: Darren, 42
Married: 8/4/01
DS: 7/22/03
M/C: 12/16/06
TTC: ?

Hi ladies, I haven't posted on CC in a long time (life got in the way). I had a miscarriage last night. I've been charting since I went off BCP in March but we've only been TTC the last 2 cycles. My cycles have gotten progressively longer since March. This last one was shorter by 2 weeks than the one before. My LP this cycle was 17 days. The longest its ever been. Ovusoft even predicted I was pregnant. However, I never got a BFP with multiple tests and multiple brands over the last week. I suspected something was up because my temps were hovering around the coverline. Since I never got a BFP I assumed I wasn't pregnant until last night. I had some really bad cramps in the afternoon and then I passed the baby last night. My DH, who is a doctor, was at work. I called him told him that "something had just come out of me" and he told me to save it for him and he'd look at it in the morning (he was working night shift). This morning he went upstairs and I told him where it was. I came up a few minutes later and found him flipping through some of his medical books. He wouldn't tell me what he thought it was until he found what he was looking for. After comparing some of the pictures from his books he thinks I was about 4 weeks along. DH wasn't exactly enthusiastic about TTC but I could see the tears in his eyes as he recognized what it was. He even tearfully told me that it was DS's sibling. DH said he suspected it last night when I called him. I told him I did too. DH was surprised that I never got a BFP. DH is being really supportive and even changed the channel when he saw a news story about baby gear. I'm going to call my doctor in the morning. So far I've only told my sister. My mom doesn't know we're trying and she's been through a lot with my grandmother lately.

It really sucks that this happened right before the holidays. I had gotten my hopes up with the long LP and was planning on surprising DH in front of his family when we went to visit them. DS has a birthday party to go to today that I think we're going to skip. I'm just not feeling very social right now. I just wonder why I never got a BFP. I'm hoping I'll know more after I call the doctor in the morning.

[AirForceLove]

abbylynn I am so sorry. You and I were about the same number of weeks along when me and DH m/c. Do you think you had a chemical pregnancy? That is what I suspected happened to me. I had 4 BFP, but the lines never got really dark. Then 2 days later I m/c and both the blood and urine test were negative.

[lorbo]

i'm sorry to everybody else. i feel like i've been in a fog for the past few days...doing much of nothing. my throat was killing me yesterday...i guess i'll have to ask if i got tubed or maybe it's just a cold of some sort. i spent yesterday in my pajamas, took my drugs, fell asleep on the sofa, tried to watch a movie...little things. DH wants me to get out for a bit...i told him i'd be happy not to leave the house...i'm not ready. i'm not going back to work until tuesday, which is a relief...but it's still there that i have to tell people and deal with it. bleeding is so minimal at this point...it's hard to believe i had surgery...though i've had pain-my uterus feels kind of like it felt when i had the c/s-sore on the side. my outbursts of crying are lessening. i did hear from my older brother via email-which is fine by me. he pissed me off when i lost the pregnancy between DD and DS by saying i had so much to be happy for, blah, blah, blah-meanwhile he was the most miserable, cynical person in the world-my feeling was who does he think he is to preach to me-my mom told him i was angry about what he said and i was fine by that. i told him by email this time and my mom mentioned that he read the email and he was afraid of upsetting me, so he would just not say anything and give me a hug when he saw me...i told her that was fine. he did email that he was sorry, he knew how much i wanted this baby and that if i needed to talk that he was there-not that i'll take him up on it-we have a strained relationship. my younger brother-who is younger by 6 years, is just the best person in the whole world...very compassionate, very soothing, doesn't know how to say the wrong thing-the last d&e, all he did was textmessaged me that he loved me and that's all i needed. this time he was in tears and said to remember he was there if i needed to talk. i just worry about DH, he only has me to talk to and i think he's afraid of upsetting me more...we finished the christmas tree last night, need to put up stockings, i did a lot of wrapping presents last night-though i'm still not in a holiday feel good mood. we have so much to do...but i'd be happy to just cancel everything and stay in bed...i'm sure Brooke would remember that though. i should go, need to pick up christmas cards-my first journey out of the house and take a shower...maybe feel a bit more human.

[Tiniest Angels]

updated

[jenahdawn]

lorbo, isn't it funny how our brothers react?

My older brother was here for our memorial, spoke, called, does anything he can. Our oldest brother has called twice.....once after three threatening messages from the above brother, the other after my mother called him and told him he needed to act like my big brother for once. (Most of his is because of his wife....they didn't come to the memorial because it was her 20th reunion. We hadn't seen them since March, 2 months before we got pregnant, and we still haven't seen them.....no card, no phone calls without prompting.....it took them four days after we had the girls to call the first time....again, after three messages from our other brother....)

[alootikki]

My D&C went fine - I felt a little woozy immediately afterwards, but since then I've barely had any spotting, and no cramping or pain.

Emotionally it's been a rollercoaster - I think the hardest part has been avoiding or dealing with the stupid things people say. :rolleyes: One friend called to see how I was doing between running errands, interrupted me to remind her husband to get extra salsa, told me it's understandable if I "feel down for the next couple of days", and then went into a whole long story about how she's thinking of changing OBs (she's due any day), and how much that sucks, etc. I wish I could get space from her right now - but it's hard because we're used to talking daily. But ugh! I really don't need to hear about how she's "stressed" and how "it really sucks" to maybe change doctors - she's still going to have a healthy baby!

Sorry to see so many new members as once :( I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.....

[Jill1228]

abbylynn, I am sorry for your loss :(

[abbylynn]

After a nightmare trip to the lab yesterday for blood work I finally saw my doctor this morning. He doesn't think I was pregnant! My blood test came back negative. He looked at what I brought in before he sent it to pathology yesterday and thinks it was an endometrial cast. Basically he said that since my cycles are so long the lining has more time to build up and for some reason mine shed all at once this cycle and not in pieces. I told my DH and he's still not convinced I wasn't pregnant because he saw it with his own two eyes and we both compared it to the pictures in his books. He said he's never heard of an endometrial cast before but ob/gyn isn't his specialty. I guess we'll know for sure in 2 weeks when the pathology comes back. This has certainly been a roller coaster of emotions and I am more confused now than ever.

[firefly]

I feel like I'm in m/c hell. I went in for an u/s today 45 minutes long. The tech brought in her superior to help 'figure things out' since they were quietly mumbling to themselves I got this general gist.

they weren't sure if I had an ovarian eptopic or a hemmoraging corpus leutum. they decided on the later.

They mentioned the phrase 'there's the viable pregnancy' a couple of times.

and they mentioned how small my l ovary is v.s the right where the possible eptopic/ hemmoraging leutum is.

I got a call from the ob's office a few hours later and they told me I should proceed as if this a viable pregnancy and to get another blood draw tomarrow.

I just want to know if this is over or starting. I hate this pergatory. I can't move on if I'm holding on hope that this may be a baby.

I'm bleeding substantially. but not soaking through pads. when I wipe i have handfulls of blood though. That seems inconcievable that I"m still pregnant with that volume of blood.

I'm so stressed out over this whole thing. I"m snapping at my husband and my kids. we haven't told anyone irl so my online support is all I have I just want some difinitive answers.

and i'm somewhere around 6 weeks today.

[lorbo]

had my first night back at work last night. everybody could tell that i was to be left alone...though i had to tell people not to ask me how i was. supposedly, very little has been said...though i don't know if my manager told people, the assistant hasn't told anybody. i took my ibuprofen at around 8pm last night and the cramps were just starting. by 10pm, there was no relief and the cramping was more intense-DH said you've only got 2 more hours. so i left at midnight and came home to take my tylenol with codeine and passed out a short time later. the bleeding has picked up in a sense...not that it's filling a pad, when i wipe, there's a lot more blood. the doctor also called yesterday to tell me no i wasn't intubated, that my smoker's voice is probably a side effect of the anesthesia. he's also concerned about the possible need for another d&e, because of how far along i was. i've hurt my dad, because i couldn't hug him-not at that point right now, i told him he was going to make me cry. the nursery school teacher asked how i was and i stumbled thru an okay, then the director saw me and asked and gave me a hug and i just lost it and said i needed to go...with DD asking me why i was crying. i need to get christmas pics taken of DD and DS and finish up the christmas shopping...i don't know how i'll get that done, go to DD's christmas thingie at school tomorrow morning, and go to DH's office party on friday afternoon.

[alootikki]

abbylynn and firefly, sorry that both of you are going through this confusion. I hope you get answers soon.

lorbo - please take it easy. Do you have to get all of those errands done? I know it's such bad timing, but try to rest as much as you can - maybe your DH could take over some of the shopping?

At 4 days post-D&C, I am just starting to have some cramping/more spotting today. I hope this means my body is recognizing it's no longer pregnant so that the hormone chain can eventually start up again.

[lorbo]

i wish i could take it easy...DH has a hard enough time shopping for his own family-it's a relief that he does that! these are all holiday things that have to be done...maybe these errands will force me to be out in the world-more than i want to be though. i think my tylenol with codeine is also affecting my voice...i'm really raspy today with a lot of mucus...sorry if that's TMI. i see the doctor again jan 9th for follow up. i'm sure i'll be warned about getting pregnant too soon...hopefully, we'll have some answers at that point. my appetite is so little at this point-things just look appetizing to eat-even all the candies and snacks sent to work didn't do it for me. eh, maybe i'll lose some of this extra weight. guess i'll get dressed.

[Steve's Sweety]

Jen (AFL) - I am so sorry for your loss. It is just so unfair for someone to have to go through this at all, and then as many times as you have is just plain cruel. I hate that it can happen as much as it does.


Lori -
I remember you from the WC days.
I am SO sorry you have had to join us.

I hope that you can find some time in all this craziness to grieve the way you need to. And I really hope you don't have to have a D&E.


Abby -
I am glad it doesn't sound like you are going to be joining us.


firefly -
Wow, I am so sorry for this roller coaster you are on. Especially with all your losses. I wish there was something they could do for you.


aloo -
When do you get your levels checked again?

[alootikki]

My post-op appointment isn't for another two weeks. I think my levels are going down - at least I don't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. (That was the worst - knowing that something was wrong with the baby, but still feeling all of the "normal" preg symptoms.)

What kinds of questions did you ask your dr. at the first appointment? I have been reading like crazy on possible causes, and I want to ask my dr. if next time I should take baby aspirin, Folgard, or progesterone, or something totally different! I just don't want the typical "these things happen" response!

[lorbo]

after my first d&e-between DD and DS, i asked the gyn who did the surgery and she felt it was a controversial topic-that did progesterone levels cause the loss...or was the pregnancy non viable and that's why progesterone levels are low. i did have a blighted ovum for that time...and no timeline on how far along i was...being that i was still breastfeeding DD and didn't have a regular AF. this time, when we went to talk about the options right after the u/s, i said i wanted to know the sex of the baby and she said that was certainly an option and maybe the chromosomal testing would give us an answer as to why the baby died after us seeing every milestone hit-seeing the baby develop, seeing the heartbeat, hearing a good strong heartbeat...and that was it...a week later, no heartbeat. i think that will be up to your doctor. DH may have an issue with TTC again, being that we've lost 2 pregnancies and this one has hit at a particularly bad time...and we're both having such a difficult time. the bleeding has picked up significantly since yesterday and i find that i have to take the tylenol with codeine to stop how bad the cramps are. DD's holiday program is done...just the holiday party with DH's office party and holiday pictures and of course...the rest of christmas present shopping...

[firefly]

Got the news ...betas are following. I'm pissed at myself for having any sort of hope and at the damn techs for giving my false hope. Eff them all. (bitter much)

[firefly]

I'm much better today. :) sorry for my ranting i figure I'll get af back in 4-6 weeks... and we'll start ttc again then. It'd probably be better timing anyways.

[Steve's Sweety]

Lori -
Aw, honey. I really hope you get some answers from the testing.
I am sorry your bleeding is picking up and you are having bad cramps...I know you said you can't slow down right now but I think that if you can at all it will help slow the bleeding.

My m/w said the same thing about progesterone. I still can't help but wonder though since I took it for my pregnancy with DS and he came out healthy, but I didn't take it with this last one...


firefly -
I am sorry. I wish you would have gotten good news.

[Jill1228]

Went to the appt. Good news is when they checked the tissue (and they got it all out), there were no genetic defects.

I talked to the doc about my bleeding after the m/c. Thursday's bleeding is CD1. Yup it brought on my period. My HCG levels were so low that I started CD1. However, this is NOT the time to try to get PG. He said to wait out this cycle and the next one to start to ttc. However DH wants to wait for 2 full cycles after this and I am kinda peeved. I am cool with waiting one cycle...time is not exactly on my side.
I have an appt with him on Jan 31st for the chick exam. he recommended to keep taking the prenates and folic acid to make sure I get the best egg I can. I know with my age I need all the help I can get. In the meantime, exercise and eat better to take some more weight off. He is suspecting that the fact I had lost some weight before getting PG helped. I want to lose 10% of my current weight. I got rid of 2.6 pounds since my last ob gyn appt last Monday. Dunno how I did it though.

I am just a little down right now and also a little pissed.
Down: Christmas is coming up. We were going to tell our families (mainly his) about the pregnancy at Christmas. I was kinda weepy last night.

[firefly]

still in M/C hell...

My levels were dropping ... now their rising. I was told to take a hpt and call with the results. the results are a very strong positive. I hope it's nothing too serious... like surgery.

[Steve's Sweety]

Jill -
I am surprised they did testing.
The day I actually m/c was cd1 for me as well, I guess that's just how they count it in these cases. I bled for a loooong time, hopefully yours will be shorter.
Congrats on the weight loss though.


H -
Aw honey, I sure hope not! I have heard of some people's levels doing that so I hope your body is just a little confused and will get on track very soon. Are they talking about doing another u/s?

---------

Well, I'm not having the best day since yesterday would have been my 20 week mark, half way to meeting him/her.
DANG, this is tough...just when I think I'm doing better...I feel bad again.

[jenahdawn]

Today would have been 32 weeks....and if they would have been mo-mo, we would have had them this week.....

[firefly]

Going in for another u/s in one hour. I"m getting ready to head out. I just want some answers.

[Jill1228]

Steve's sweety-hug coming at cha

I think they did genetic testing on mine because of age, I am guessing


Jill -
I am surprised they did testing.
The day I actually m/c was cd1 for me as well, I guess that's just how they count it in these cases. I bled for a loooong time, hopefully yours will be shorter.
Congrats on the weight loss though.



Well, I'm not having the best day since yesterday would have been my 20 week mark, half way to meeting him/her.
DANG, this is tough...just when I think I'm doing better...I feel bad again.

[firefly]

I have a suspected right tubal pregnancy. my hcg levels are continuing to rise. I have to recheck the b/w on T and F. I'll *most likely* have another u/s on tuesday if the hcg levels are still rising. then well likely get the metho shot.

[Steve's Sweety]

Ok Jill, I didn't think of that I guess.


Oh, H! I will be sending lots of positive thoughts your way that it's not. I know you have got to be going crazy with all this not knowing. :(

[firefly]

T~ I really think that's my biggest thing. the unknown. Hopefully I'll have answers soon. one way or the other I'd just like to know.


my ob told me Friday that if things 'progress normally' from here on out then we'll just never know what happened the last 5-7 weeks. :confused: so now there is that Damn Hope again. :o

[Steve's Sweety]

H -
Ok, now maybe I just don't understand, but I am getting pretty ticked at your medical care providers for not being able to give you definitive answers. Is there really nothing they can do to tell you for sure what is going on?

I am thinking of you during all this, sending you strength and positive thoughts. Please update as soon as you can.

---------

I got the book Jenah recommended (Trying Again) and have been reading it a lot.
Well, not much else to say. I still have a hard time seeing little bitties and have still not been able to face even talking to our friends who just had babies, nor one of the pregnant ones. The other one I have to deal with since I am watching her 1 yo and it is pretty hard. I want to tell her that but OTOH I know she really wants me to keep watching him and they pay me better than the other families, and it's not like we don't need the money. Ok, that sounded kind of bad, like that's all it's about. It's not, it's just part of what keeps me from telling her I can't watch him anymore.

I hope everyone got through the holidays with minimal pain.
Here's hoping 2007 will bring lots of good news for all of us.

[lilhimley]

I agree with Steve's Sweety that it's just not right how doctors can't give definitive answers. It's so frustrating during what is already an emotional time! I had three different doctors tell me I had three different uterus defects. One of the doctors even said "it's definitely not a septum" and then on my next visit said "that really looks like a septum to me". Whatever! I'll be hoping for answers or at least a resolution for you firefly.

FYI, I have some good, but cautious, news. Check out my chart or see my post on the TTC After a Loss thread. I'm thinking warm thoughts for you all.

[firefly]

Congrats lilhimley.

Still nothing

I had another u/s where I stumped my tech and the wet reader radiologist. I had more b/w today. Thanks for all the pos. thoughts.

[firefly]

apparently whatever it is is not life threatening however in the hell they know that is beyond me. my hcg levels are 285 now. more b/w on monday.

[lilhimley]

Geez Firefly, how are you not yelling at the medical 'professionals' who are giving you such non-conclusive info? Is there any option for you to go to another Dr. or specialized ultrasound place? I feel so bad. My heart is breaking for you. I know the waiting and worrying about your health is horrible. Don't forget I'm thinking about you.

[firefly]

L~ I'm actually most upset at my mother... she told me I was a drama queen. not because of this particular incident but just in general I need to get over it. aghh..

[teacher_jessica]

Hi ladies! I was wondering if I could join you. I keep going back to the threads I used to be a part of but just haven't posted yet. So, I'm thinking this might be the best place for me.


Name: Jessica, 29 (30 in February)
DH: Brad, 33
Married: July 23, 2005
M/C: 12/06/06 at 6w4d
TTC: Now!

I also have a few questions for you ladies. When we got pregnant we'd been trying for 7 cycles (8 months) and I tend to ovulate between CD19-23. I'm just wondering if my later ovulation or anything like that is something I should be seeing my doctor about? I keep wondering if there's something I should be doing to help any future pregnancy have a better chance of surviving. I've also had several people suggest progesterone supplementation but I'm certainly not eager to self-medicate I wouldn't want to do anything without my doc's guidance.

Sorry for rambling!

[lilhimley]

Hi Jessica, I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you've joined us here.

I'm on my third pregnancy now, just 4 weeks so far (terrified), and on Progesterone due to borderline low Progesterone level when tested. My first pregnancy, blighted ovum, I was not on progesterone. My second, I was on Progesterone, and that pregnancy lasted longer, but ended due to Down's Syndrome and heart defect. Now, this time, after I ovulated, I started on Progesterone again. It makes me wonder if all the other months we tried, if I had been on Progesterone then, maybe I would have gotten pregnant then too.

I ovulate between days 20 and 23 and my cycles last 32 - 35 days. This pattern is pretty regular for me. The doctor says that as long as the cycles are regular and I am ovulating, there is no need to be concerned. Some people have shorter and some people have longer cycles. The concern would be if you get AF less than 10 days after you ovulate. I suppose it can't hurt to go over your charts with your Dr. to see if he/she sees anything you don't.

I hope you find support here.

Jen

[Tiniest Angels]

updated.

[lorbo]

with the pregnancies of DS and DD and the last pregnancy, FF put my ovulation at CD19-CD21. so i don't think that would be a problem...at least on my end.

i have my post op appt next tuesday. my belly is looking less pregnant...though i have quite a bit of fat there. i wouldn't say i'm bleeding three weeks later, though i do have a brown discharge. And i feel like AF is coming or i'm ovulating. i'm anxious to go to the ob...but then i wonder if the news is going to be something i can handle. DH and i have no plans to try to get pregnant right now. i know he's a bit deprived;) but he doesn't really say much in that area. hormonally, i'm better, i still have times where i tear up...but i'm much calmer about everything. i am jealous of the bellies i see and this is what i went thru right after i had the blighted ovum in 2005-hopefully something i overcome...though i grumble under my breath that i should be there...and what happened that i couldn't have that belly...i know maybe i'll have some answers, maybe not.

[alootikki]

firefly, how frustrating that the Dr.s are not giving you answers! I'm sorry - hang in there!

And congrats lilhimley! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

I had my post-op visit yesterday (3 weeks after the D&C). Apparently there wasn't enough tissue to test for chromosonal abnormalities, and all the lab could say was that "a pregnancy existed". :rolleyes: No kidding. So we won't know exactly what caused the miscarriage.

My dr. was great - she went through the list of possible causes with me (I had read Dr. Henry Lerner's Miscarriage book over the holidays - the tone was a bit anti treatments like progesterone, but still helpful), and we decided that I am generally very healthy and hopefully the MC was a one-time fluke rather than a symptom that needs to be treated.

I am feeling much better - physically, recovery was a breeze. And mentally/emotionally, I honestly feel pretty good. Still sad when I think about it, but it's not on my mind constantly anymore. It was hard to deal with the "So, any babies??" comments from extended family during the holidays though.

Here's a question for you girls - How do you deal with insensitive comments from friends/family?

I think I dealt with the M/C really well. I was naturally upset for a while, but I'm ok now. I barely talk about the M/C with my friends (I save it for DH). I'm fully functional at work and my usual out-going self in social situations - just the way I was before all of this happened. So the insensitive comments are even worse - it's like, hey, I'm not crying on your shoulder at all, so would it be possible to refrain from saying stupid shit?

I have one good friend in particular who is just IRRITATING me right now. She is almost 9 months pregnant, and of course that is the biggest thing in her life right now - but it's hard to constantly hear her complaints about pregnancy. I don't think she "gets" what it felt like to go through a M/C - she's treating it as if I had a bad cold for a few days. She doesn't think the emotional pain is even worth mentioning - that it should be treated with a "Oh well - try again!" flippancy. Not that she's said this outright - but I can tell.

This is the analogy I would love to send her (but probably won't!):

Imagine that you meet a guy and fall in love immediately. From the moment you meet him, you are so thrilled and excited about all of the plans for the future you'll have together. You quickly get engaged, and spend the next few weeks constantly talking to him, day-dreaming about your lives together, fantasizing about the future. Everything you do, from eating to sleeping, is done with him in mind. Everything else fades into the background - he's the only thing on your mind. Things are going so well, and you have never been happier.

Then suddenly, without any warning, he leaves. You're devastated - in a minute, your whole world has changed. In this situation, no one in their right mind would say to you:

"Oh well - it wasn't meant to be! Obviously there was something really wrong with him."

"At least you know you can get a guy. You'll get married someday!"

"Broken engagements are really common - it happens a lot"

"My fiance is so amazing - let me tell you all the details of the wedding that I'm planning!" (even though your own wedding is no longer happening)

Because at that moment, none of those statements would be comforting. But this is exactly what we hear after having a M/C.

Anyway - that was a longer vent that I planned - sorry! :o

[lorbo]

How do you deal with insensitive comments from friends/family?

i got insensitive comments with both pregnancy losses. i got the "well, it's better it happened now," the "you have a son and a daughter, it's your decision, but i think you should not try to have any more children," and the ultimate from my miserable miserable older brother "you have so much to be happy about, you have a beautiful daughter." the first m/c i took all those comments and just went off about them to my support system-DH, my sister and my friend(those two lost pregnancies as well). the comment from my brother...i told my mother i was disgusted with that...coming from the most miserable, cynical person in the world...who the hell did he think he was, telling me that i should be happy...my mother repeated that to him and he felt i took it all wrong-which i didn't. this time around, my mother used the first comment again...just an hour or two after we found out the baby's heart had stopped beating...i screamed on the phone while she was in Atlantic City...that it wasn't okay that it happened now, that i hadn't lost the baby(she mentioned to her friend that i had lost the baby)-that the baby was still inside me dead-God, that just made me cry! my aunt made the middle comment...and i was shocked that she felt it was okay to tell me that i shouldn't try to have any more children-i let my mom hear all the crap i had to say about that. my mom read an article about grief and told me she read that you shouldn't tell a woman who's suffered the loss of the pregnancy that it's better that it happened now...so maybe she'll learn from that....hopefully, i'll never have to hear that again!

[jenahdawn]

How do you deal with insensitive comments from friends/family?


It depends on HOW insensitive....and how close they are to me, and how I am feeling that particular day....and their intentions.

For example, I was told the weekend before Thanksgiving, when I was just starting Prozac, that "This is a good thing....They could have been born with Down's Syndrome or some disability and you could be stuck with that the rest of your life..."

That one, I just sat there, not blinking, and repeating to myself, "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE STILL TALKING! SHUT UP!!!!!"

If I am feeling in an educational mood, I explain what we felt like, are feeling like, and talk about details about the girls.

If the INTENTIONS are trying to come across as good by someone who has no clue, I half smile and generally tell my feelings, then save it up to blow up at a few choice close friends, husband, or my mother.

[jenahdawn]

oh, and alootiki, that analogy is almost okay....maybe something she would understand, but, to make it more devestating (because I'm in that kind of mood tonight) I would say that the "fiance" either died or ran off and got married immediately, so there was no chance, EVER.....

I should stop posting, I'm in a mood.

[firefly]

I also have a few questions for you ladies. When we got pregnant we'd been trying for 7 cycles (8 months) and I tend to ovulate between CD19-23. I'm just wondering if my later ovulation or anything like that is something I should be seeing my doctor about? I keep wondering if there's something I should be doing to help any future pregnancy have a better chance of surviving. I've also had several people suggest progesterone supplementation but I'm certainly not eager to self-medicate I wouldn't want to do anything without my doc's guidance.

Sorry for rambling!

My ob told me that when I ovulated on cd 21 that it was too late (granted I'm in my 30's) and my cycles are also spacing out going from a 28 day cycle to a 40+ day cycle and he rx'd clomid for me to help me ovulate earlier, and more consistently
(I was also having more annovulatory cycles (like 6 in a row)

[alootikki]

I can't believe some of the things people say! Yikes.

I got the results of my blood test yesterday, and 3 weeks post-D&C, my hcg level is 9. I'm feeling disappointed - I thought my body had shown signs of ovulation a week ago (fertile CF), and that the hormonal chain was firing up again. I need to call my dr. and ask what this means - I am so impatient for this first period to get here already so that we can TTC (as scary as that is right now).

[firefly]

so I go in on thusday to discuss d&c . it's sumpthin I guess.

[lorbo]

back from my post op. cervix is closed and my uterus has shrunken back down to normal range i guess. chromosome testing hasn't come back yet but the pregnancy tissue was normal and according to my doc that's good. he asked me a few times how i was emotionally-to that i answered better than i was. i did mention that DH is having huge reservations about even trying again...that something has to be wrong for us to lose 2 out of four. i was quoted the 30-40% of pregnancies are lost and that's not including those that occur to women who don't know. i told him i was scared to death to even think about trying...he said i'd think there was something just not right with you if you weren't scared. so there it is...yet another pregnancy gone and i'm feeling very sad...when i left the office, i got in the car and my stomach really started to hurt and i felt very nauseous-nerves, i guess.

ETA-my doc did say it's going to be a better year for me...glad he knows that...because all i could think was-last year wasn't so bad...the way it ended sucked!

[firefly]

((hugs to you lorbo)) I know my odds should help someone else out. 7 pgcys 2 babies. crappy way of looing at it but.

[lorbo]

right back at you firefly!

i told DH just now what the doc said, including what i forgot to write, that stats are 3 m/c before a viable pregnancy...something along those lines...he doesn't believe what i told him.

so, it's wait and see...and wait for AF to show-and i should be looking for that in the next 3-4 weeks:rolleyes:

[jeggink]

My Perinatologist told me that until you have 4 m/c the odds of having another m/c stay just about the same as if you hadn't had one. It is if you go above 4 that the chances go up. Not sure, I have heard 3 though. It doesn't help, but it's something.

[Steve's Sweety]

alootikki -
Sorry you are feeling disappointed.
After my levels went down to 7 (the last check I had), it wasn't long at all before I o'ed.

H -
{{HUggSS}}. I have been thinking about you all the time. I need to go check your LJ and see if you have any more info.

Lori -
You are not the first person I have heard put it that way and it really does suck, there's just no way around that. I'm sorry hon, I wish there was something I could say to help ease your pain.
And I was freaked about even having sex again, let alone TTC so you are not alone in that feeling.
I don't mean to imply anything here and I don't know how you feel about this kind of thing, but have you thought about looking for a couple's counselor? I did for us, and I am glad I did. It helped to have another person ask some questions, since some of them were ones I hadn't thought to ask.

Judi -
I have been reading a lot of books and they say 3 but I don't know if any of them are based on peri's studies or anything.
I just don't even want to think that it could happen to me - or any of us - again. Probably the ostritch method is not the best in this case but it's not like I'm at my most positive these days.
I need to go read your LJ too and see how you have been. I've been thinking about you a lot also.

[alootikki]

I'm sorry lorbo - at least your dr. sounds optimistic and reassuring. Mine is the same way, and sometimes it's nice to at least hear that reassuring perspective when you feel so pessimistic and scared yourself.

firefly - has the dr. not yet figured out what's going on?? I hope you get some definitive answers soon.

Steve'sSweety - I was lurking and saw your posts in the TTC after a loss thread, and am keeping my fingers crossed for you! Hope the days pass quickly right now...

I just got back from a company dinner with a new project team - there were TWO pregnant women at my table (and usually I am the lone woman in a roomful of men). And my table was all-women, so they talked about pregnancy and babies nonstop. Ugh ugh ugh. One woman was just a month ahead of where I would be today. I was never the jealous type who wanted what others had - but tonight was one of those nights where you feel like everyone in the world has a normal pregnancy and healthy baby - except for you. I'm glad that we have this thread to vent with!

[ameigh]

I haven't been here for a few months, but I just kind of need a place to vent a bit. I'm in the middle of losing my third pregnancy in a row. My first was in January last year, then another in September last year, and now this one. We've actually known for a month that this was a no-go, too, since we got an early ultrasound. But we were torn between miscarrying naturally and having a D&C. I finally rescheduled a D&C for this Friday, but I'm starting to miscarry already. I'm *still* torn about which way to go. If we have a D&C, we will definitely be able to collect tissue to have analyzed. But, I haven't actually talked to anyone that can honestly compare the two...they've only ever experienced one or the other.

Anyway, my husband is grouchy, and against the idea of a D&C. I think he's just really nervous of the word "surgery." I really want to ttc again, and since we have had one successful pregnancy (my daughter is 2 next month), and since I'd be taking a progesterone supplement next time around...maybe there's still a good chance of going to term again. ??

I'm also just anxious to get this over with and take a few months off. Three miscarriages in one year...ugh.

I can tell just from reading the last few entries that some of you have gone through more than two losses. I haven't really talked to anyone among my friends here at home who have gone through that. Any thoughts? Hmmm...I think *all* of my friends are actually pregnant right now...I can think of four or five that I regularly hang out with who are. Here I go with the pity party...

[jeggink]

ameigh I am in a similar situation as you, I lost 3 pregnancies last year, one in Jan, one in April and the one in November. The 1st two were at 8.5 weeks and Kayla at 19.5 weeks. I have gone the D&C route with the 1st two and it was labor for Kayla, so I can't help you with the natural m/c. I do know that the D&C's were easy and painless and gave me closure a bit faster, plus like you said they can test the fetus. We are definately taking some time off, it was just to much. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me and I will give you my e-mail address. HUGS!

[lorbo]

Thanks Tish! i don't feel the need to speak to someone right now. DH is a typical typical engineer-very methodical...something like this, he has to digest and go over the good and bad.

since i've been cleared by the doc and i'm not working like i was last night...DH keeps hinting and hinting...god help me!:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[alootikki]

I'm sorry ameigh - I know how tough it is when all of your friends are pregnant :(

My D&C was also completely easy - I was nervous ahead of time, but the procedure and recovery were honestly quick and painless. It was an easy decision for me though - when I knew something was wrong,I wanted to move on physically as soon as possible, and hopefully be pregnant again soon. Good luck with your decision...

[Smurfy]

Hello Ladies,
I'm de-lurking to say that I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. It has been really helpful to read your posts. I will probably go back to lurking, but I felt ready to let you know I am here. I have been reading your recent posts about people's insensitive comments. I am going out for dinner this weekend with my in-laws and am preparing myself.

[lorbo]

Smurfy, just keep in mind...people usually say those things...because they don't know what to say. i've versed my own mother that when she comes across this again...the best thing to say is I'm sorry for your loss. i can handle those comments because i'm allowed to be angry...i think the thing that hurts most is not getting any acknowledgement for the loss. my in-laws just never mentioned the first loss to me-though GMIL did and i was very appreciative of that and she's so high on my list of people i adore. this loss...my in-laws don't even know about...DH felt that he wouldn't involve them in it and that's a damn shame-he only has me to talk to really and he thinks he's supposed to be my rock. my relationship with my in-laws is strained already and i wait for the time for SIL to jump on DH again about something stupid...so i can unleash my anger...including her stupid email where she told him off...then told him his family was there to support him and for him to turn to...yeah, he can feel the love (where's my rolling eyes smilie?) just venting really-sorry!

DH got his wish last night...and when done...i just started crying, bawling actually. i couldn't answer him when he asked me what was wrong. he thought he was going to have some unprotected loving...but to no avail. he was under the assumption that it would take a while to be fertile...till i reminded him that i got pregnant with DS about 3 1/2 weeks post D&E. i also don't want to deal with being large in the summer-i have enough issues with my feet and my back...don't need to add more things in to my list of ailments. AND... i'm not ready emotionally.

[Smurfy]

lorbo,
I'm so sorry about how you felt last night. I wish I knew something to say to make you feel better. I can understand feeling not emotionally ready, I am scared about that also. Terrified, actually.
I know what you mean about people not knowing what to say. I have cringed at a few comments, but I tell myself, their intentions are not to be insensitive. They can be clueless as to how to talk with you unless they have felt it. I agree that saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is something I appreciate hearing. It makes it sound like they understand that this pregnancy meant something, that it was important. The ones who say nothing to me actually hurt my feelings. I smile my way through it, but my opinion of them changes a little. I know they are afraid and are unsure, but that's when they could send a card or I would even appreciate an e-mail with just a few words of acknowledgment. I am trying not to be bitter.
Again, I'm sorry about the way you felt last night, that must have been so hard.

[Steve's Sweety]

ameigh -
I am so sorry. I really am.
I don't have experience with d&c's, but I used cytotec to miscarry at home. It was definitely the right choice for me, as I wanted to be able to see and lay my baby to rest, but it was also my first miscarriage (and please oh PLEASE my last) so they wouldn't do testing anyway.
I know it is a very difficult decision but I really hope that whichever way you go, you are able to get some answers this time.

Do you mine if I ask, did you use anything to help get pregnant or stay pregnant with your daughter?

I am in the same situation with several pregnant friends (including SIL) who are all due around the same time I was, and a few who have just had babies also so I know how hard that is.

Lori -
I am sorry for what you are having to deal with in addition to the pain that you are going through.
I couldn't even think about sex without freaking out for over a month after we found out about our baby, so I don't think it is unusual at all.

Smurfy -
I am sorry that you have a reason to be here, but glad to know that it has helped you to read the posts. Please feel free to pop in anytime you feel any of those feelings surfacing.

[ameigh]

Thanks for your replies-

jeggink,

Thanks for your post - it was very comforting. For some reason, knowing that someone else has experienced what I have makes a big difference. This last year was overwhelming in ways. I'm sorry for your losses...I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that time off of the pregnancy thing will put me in a much more positive place, mentally and maybe even physically. Of course, when the time comes to revisit all of this again, I know I'll be anxious.

Steve's Sweety,

Actually, I didn't use anything to get or stay pregnant with my daughter. It did take us a full year to get pregnant, and at the time my OB thought that I was having some very, very early miscarriages (if you can even call them that). I'm inclined to think that it is a progesterone problem...but we'll see.

At this point, I think I'm going to go through with the D&C (or D&E, actually) tomorrow. Just to get this over with. I'm 11 weeks today, so it's been awhile.

I am actually really happy for all of my pregnant friends...I don't think I'm overly bitter or anything towards them. They've been very supportive of me, and they ask about how things are going all of the time, so I never feel excluded from conversations. I have my moments of ho-hum, but you know, that's life. Hopefully it will work out for us in the end. At the moment, this is what's running through my mind, anyway!

[firefly]

ameigh I have had 5 m/c 1 m/c 1 baby 3 m/c 1 baby 1 m/c (this one) . Makes me not want to tell people ever. I can't even begin to imagine how those ladies who have had late term losses cope with the stress and fear.

I go to the dr in 2 hours. I wonder why I need to go in at all. I wonder if I'm going to have yet another u/s? I keep thinking this would be week X I just wish it were over.

[alootikki]

I'm sorry you had to join this thread Smurfy - I hope dinner with the in-laws isn't too painful. We never told my in-laws I was pregnant to begin with - thank god - the last thing I wanted to deal with was my insane MIL on top of everything! But you never know - the people who I thought would be most comforting weren't, and I was pleasantly surprised by a couple of people who I thought might say stupid things.

[ameigh]

Firefly, I actually have a good friend whose baby was born still sometime after 40 weeks. I think it's safe to say that she's still very much coping with the loss, even a few years later. If I'm reading your post right, I think you're right...I have the advantage of being able to move past that 12-week mark and being able to breath easier.

I hope I can do what you did and have a successful pregnancy next time! I was reading back at your earlier posts...do you think Clomid helped you? My OB is suspecting a progesterone deficiency with me, too...so I'll be taking supplements when we're ready to try again. argh...getting pregnant was supposed to be a piece of cake when this all started three years ago!

[firefly]

I never started the clomid. I think it would have helped... but who knows.


I am back from the ob's surgery is scheduled for Monday. suspected molar pregnancy.

[ameigh]

I had my D&C this morning, and it was very quick and almost painless, and I'm feeling good right now. They managed to collect what they needed to, and that combined with it all being over with makes me feel pretty happy. Yay for modern medicine.

Good luck on Monday, firefly.

[firefly]

my d&c has no exact time... I"m to 'fast' from midnight on but they're not exactly sure when I'll go in, The 'think' it'll be after 2 ish.. yeah thanks, as if I don't have enough unknown.

so far we had to figure out...

am I pregnant,
is it eptopic
did I miscarry
why are my hcg levels falling
why are my hcg levels rising
where is the pregnancy
what are those things in my tubes
what are those things in my ovaries
where is the prengnancy (Again)
why are my hcg levels dropping
is it molar
is it genetic freakishness
where am i getting the d&c
will I have local or general anestisia
and now what time.

geez folks.. thanks for the helpfulness *thats aimed at the medical field btw not you wonderful ladies)

[lorbo]

firefly-i hope you get some answers soon.

ETA: i was looking at bras...that were apparently way way too small for my more than ample bosum. i was kneeling down...maybe 5 feet from the dressing room. along comes a woman, and she makes a comment to the attendant about being pregnant. that leads the attendant to ask when she's due...of course her answer is June...i muttered to myself-salt in an already irritated and gaping wound. the luck i have.

[chagtown]

Hi everyone. I am sorry that we are all here, but through experience, I know that this type of environment is very comforting and informing.

I just experience my fourth miscarriage.
1st. 5.5wks, natural m/c
2nd 6wks, natural m/c
3rd 4.5wks, natural m/c
Testing at this point, nothing found. Told that it has been 'bad luck'.
4th 9 wks, D&C

For this one, I used progesterone suppositories, 200mg/2x's a day. Heard heartbeat at 6wk u/s and 8 wk u/s. The heartbeat just stopped and we don't know why. They did collect the fetus for testing and I should hear something within 3wks.

Anyone else in my shoes? Any advice or suggestions regarding what I should do next?

Thanks and bless you all so much.

[lorbo]

the same happened with me. heartbeat was heard via doppler at 12 1/2 weeks...a week later on u/s, no heartbeat...i'm inclined to believe that the baby died sometime between thursday and monday...as i have access to an u/s at my job and something just didn't look right to me. we had the d&e on 12/15, pregnancy tissue was normal...chromosome testing didn't come back yet. DH doesn't believe that it could just be bad luck. this is our second m/c-first was a blighted ovum and that was in may 2004.

[ameigh]

chagtown, I just had a D&E at 11 weeks, although we'd known for four weeks or so that it was a failed pregnancy. This was my third in the past year, and I had natural miscarriages for the first two (at 8 weeks and at 10 1/2 weeks). I'm expecting to hear that this is just "bad luck" as well. I had started progesterone, 200 mg once a day, but not early enough to really make a difference. Next time I'll start it at ovulation.

So, we're also waiting to hear back about testing on the tissue right now, and depending on those results we might do more blood tests (on what, I have no idea). Personally, I'm taking time off of trying again for awhile. The second miscarriage was really traumatic, and the third coming so soon after that...ugh. So, I'm branching out and adding some more activities to my schedule to get my mind off of things.

We already have a 2-year-old daughter, and we know that we won't be going in for infertility treatments (just a personal choice) in the case that it comes to that. It's funny...I'm strangely not obsessed about getting pregnant again. I have friends who are also having problems, and they readily admit to being "obsessed," but I just can't bring myself to get all worked up like that again. I think I was in the year that it took us to get pregnant with our daughter, but maybe, deep down, I've just already accepted that one might be all we get. I think I can be ok with that.

[lilo]

Hi everyone,

I hope noone minds me posting in here but I could use some advice. A friend of mine from college recently had a miscarriage (she was about 4 months along) and I would like to send her a "Thinking of You" card. However, I want to make sure I write the right thing in the card and since I never went through a miscarriage, I don't know what that is. Is it okay to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or does that sound contrite? We are not very close friends but she is my friend nonetheless and I am just devasated for her.

TIA for any advice.

[jenahdawn]

lilo,

Nope, that's exactly what to say. Most of the time, people say TOO much and end up saying something stupid or hurtful because they think they need to go into a whole soliloqy, and it's actually the fewer words said, the better.

[lilo]

lilo,

Nope, that's exactly what to say. Most of the time, people say TOO much and end up saying something stupid or hurtful because they think they need to go into a whole soliloqy, and it's actually the fewer words said, the better.

thank you.

[lorbo]

i completely agree-less is more-meaning the sorry for your loss.

[Steve's Sweety]

Ugh, my 2 yr old asked me today if I had a baby in my belly. When I told him no he asked me if I took it out. When I told him no he asked me where it was.

[firefly]

((t))

[firefly]

surgery went well. I still love my ob. he held my hand and brushed away my tears whilst they were putting me under. Based on what was suctioned out he doesn't think that it was a molar (yeah) we'll know in two weeks

[lorbo]

i'm so sorry Firefly...and Titia as well-Brooke asks if there's another baby and gave the "i'm not going to kiss your belly anymore because the baby isn't there"

[chagtown]

Just wanted to thank those that replied to my post, thank you. I am going to the RE in a couple of weeks, I guess there is a new piece to my puzzle and hopefully he can come up with something.

1 is too many, 4 is pure hell. I wish you all the best. If I hear any info. that I feel is new or could help you, I will update.

[ameigh]

ugh, I got so MAD today! I was out at coffee with a group of friends (our kids all play together) and ALL they could talk about was being pregnant! And this was after going out together the other night and spending 95% of the meal listening to them talk about being pregnant. I've been so careful to not intrude on them being happy about being pregnant, but none of them have offered even the standard "sorry for your loss." It just seemed overwhelmingly insensitive for them to dive right into pregnancy-talk as soon as we sat down...can't we give the chick who had a D&C a week ago a break for a few minutes at least?! I got so fed up that I packed up my daughter and claimed that we were both tired after a rough night, and then took her home.

I know it's just hitting me now that we've lost *three* in a row, and I know my hormones are diving, which means being way more emotional and sensitive than I normally would be. But it just really hurt, and it really irritated me. I don't know how I'm going to continue to hang out with these people. I'm already trying to get involved in other groups of people who have slightly older kids and aren't *always* talking about pregnancy...ugh. This is just a really rough time.

[firefly]

It's molar. We got the pathology back today. There was no conception material at all. I'm not sure what that means in re to the partial v.s full molar.

I have weekly blood tests until I go negative on hcg then monthly for 12 months following that. Gah.

Ameigh... I'm so sorry that they are so freaking ignorant. I'd have probably just left too but I'd like to think I'd advocate for myself like excuse me could we remember *I* just lost a baby and you could to at any second so please please stfu for 10 minutes.

[ameigh]

You're probably right, I probably could be a bit more vocal. Only it would probably come out all bitter like "Yeah, I had that symptom with the first pregnancy I had last year, and then the 2nd pregnancy I had I didn't have any, and by the 3rd...blah blah blah."

I'm still waiting to hear back about the chromosome testing from the D&C. Which is fine, I'm not particularly anxious at this point.

I think as soon as I can start my exercise of choice again (swimming), I'll be happier....work some energy out.

[firefly]

How long do they think it'll be before you hear back ameigh? I got my results in 4 days. granted it was sorta inconclusive.

[ameigh]

Well, they actually never said. Maybe I'll hear something at my checkup next week.

[Steve's Sweety]

ameigh -I totally don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I can't stand it having been through 1, so you'd think they would think about it but unfortunately it's one of those things you don't get at all until it's you.
I have actually had to distance myself bigtime from my friends, esp the one I used to spend the most time with since she got PG right after me.

H -I am still thinking of you all the time and wishing for peace for you.

[lorbo]

the chromosome tests came back and they were normal...nothing wrong...which in itself is a good thing...but it doesn't explain why. i would've had another little boy...i don't have much to say right now.

[kalogrias]

I'm sorry to butt in, but I had a question for you ladies --

A good friend of mine found out today (at 11 wks) that her pregnancy wasn't viable. She is devastated. Her husband is taking the news pretty well, but I imagine that some of that is that he is simply less emotional than she is. I know that a part of her is blaming herself for this -- she is 35, and while in good health, the age question was something she really focused on.

What can I do for her? I've emailed her to tell her that I am there if she needs a shoulder to cry on or an ear, and have texted her to check in numerous times (don't want to call because I don't want to interrupt whatever she and her husband are doing), and have offered to bring them dinner if they don't feel like cooking.

Somehow, though, it doesn't seem to be enough...is there something else I can do??

Thanks very much -- I hope it's okay that I posted this here.

[ameigh]

kalogrias, besides acknowledging her loss, which is important (not everyone does that), I'm starting to think that the most valuable thing might be to be there to talk to after everything is over. When the hormones started crashing for me after my D&C, I was a wreck, and it really hurt when people tried to ignore what had happened to me. They didn't ask how I was doing, which I wanted to hear. And if you do ask that question, ask it with the intention of hearing something other than "fine, how are you?"

Don't wait for her to ask you to bring them dinner...just do it. They can freeze it if they already made something that day. I'd say the next couple of weeks will be the most difficult. Call her and ask her to go out for coffee or something...not staying housebound was important for me. (it still is...heh) good luck!

[firefly]

K LIke A said acknowledge the loss. Be geniunely interested in what she wants to talk about. Maybe get her something small as a token reminder of her loss. A small birthstone angel pin or something along those lines. It doesn't have to cost much but something small as an acknowledgement of her loss


I had more b/w drawn today. We shall see what my numbers do today. I hope to find out by the end of the day. last week I was at 91. We're hoping they go down. But my pregnancy symptoms have been increasing again. Unless it's because I"m about to have my cycle?

[Steve's Sweety]

Lori -
Gosh. I don't know what to say. I am sorry you didn't get answers.

kalogrias -
I am so sorry for your friend. I was at the same gestation when I found out about our baby too, and I was also devestated.
Some people don't want to talk to or see anyone for quite some time, some people want to talk and talk about it (that was me).
At any rate I totally agree with the just taking dinner over and recognizing the loss. I appreciated the cards we got also.

H -
What happens if your numbers don't go down?
I will be thinking of you.

-------------

I had a little breakdown yesterday.
We were at MIL's and she asked me to bring up some pictures BIL sent to her on the computer that she coudlnt' get to, and as soon as I pulled up the screen, there was SIL with her little pregnant belly, at her baby shower (which, she is on her 2nd kid I thought you only had those for the 1st) - she is due about 6 wks before I was and we were looking forward to having kids close together again (our DSs are 17 days apart).
I went and hid in one of the bedrooms and sobbed. I ended up calling DH in there but man sometimes he just doesn't get it, he said he knows I wasn't expecting to see those pics but he just didn't have anything to say to try to help me.

[firefly]

My numbers have dropped. (saying it quietly as to not tempt fate)

I see my ob tomarrow.

[firefly]

They took away my dx's .

I no longer have a molar pregnancy which is great!!! but we don't know wtf I do have.

there was NO placental/pregnancy tissue in the d&c which means I should have been at 0 at that point. Dr. A said if I drop to undetectable then we'll never know and I can start ttc in 2-3 months after I start to cycle.

If my levels rise (again) then we'll start looking at the more omnious stuff.

[firefly]

my levels are back to 1. we will never know what was wrong but as for now I'm onto a clean slate. Now just to figure out when I'll be emotionally ready to ttc again.

[Steve's Sweety]

Glad you finally got "good" news, H.

Thinking of you.

[lorbo]

so...i'm having a bit of a hard time here...lots of overwhelming news. the most recent being that a close family member is will be having a baby in 8 weeks...and she's only 16. the dad is 22 and it's hit me really hard. i think all this bad news that i'm getting is making me sick, my little brother is worried that i'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown...being that i cry at the drop of a hat. we kind of had an oops last week, though i feel very PMS-y. i'm hoping that march will be more kind to me and my emotional health. i hope everybody else is better than i am.

[Steve's Sweety]

{{Lori}}
That kind of news is so hard to take when you've been through what we have.

I too hope that there is light for you (and all of us) soon.

[firefly]

Oh Lori... big crappy internet hugs.

There is no logic for some of the crap that happens in this world. :(

[alootikki]

lorbo, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down :( I totally understand feeling upset when it seems like everyone else around you is having effortless, easy pregnancies that result in healthy babies. It's awful - but when I hear that a friend is pregnant, my first reaction is this sick feeling in my stomach. Take care of yourself - thinking of you!

firefly - I'm glad that the confusing part of the journey seems to be over, and that you do have a "clean slate" to start from now. Hope to see you in the TTC thread soon!

[firefly]

I'm not ready to ttc again but I'm wondering how long after you m/c did you start cycling again.

my lmp was 11/1 my m/c or sorts was spotty and clotty 12/13- 12/15 and my d&c was 1/15. I've had nothing yet. I"m not sure what I count as my last 'bleeding' ykwim usually m/c are the cd1 but I was still 'pregnant' because of the hcg levels until 2/2 (when they finally hit non pregnant levels. (usually after a m/c they drop rapidly halving every day)

so although I know I could call my ob and his staff is wonderful I was wondering what you women have experienced?

[Steve's Sweety]

H -
Do you know when your levels finally hit under 10? I would maybe count from there.

My actual m/c was 11/18, and I counted that as cd1, I o'ed 16 days later and got AF 9 days after that. On 11/24 my level was 7.
HTH.

[firefly]

my levels were 1 at 2/2 and the Friday previous they were 14 so it's been awhile

[lorbo]

d&e was 12/15 lmp was 1/21 and now i'm waiting on another...or who knows.

[Steve's Sweety]

H -
Now yes usually I would say cd1 would have been the day of the d&c but in your case I think I would count from 2/2 being that your levels were non PG at that point.
So I would venture to guess that you might be just past or around o time now. That is, if you had somewhat "average" cycles before and they are going to be that way again.

[Annette]

I'm glad I found this thread. I started spotting/bleeding yesterday and found out today that the pregnancy is not viable. There was no embryo in the sac. I'm extremely sad right now and I'm not sure how to cope since this was our first baby. Right now I'm waiting for the miscarriage to take it's course. I go back to the doc's tomorrow for a follow up.
DH is home with me now, but I don't even know how I am going to be able to make the phone calls to my family.

Name: Annette, 29
DH: Mike, 30
Married: 11/01
M/C: 3/5/07, @ 8 weeks
TTC: unsure yet

[alootikki]

Oh Annette, I am so so sorry. :( We know how devastating and overwhelming this feels. Please take care of yourself the next few days and do whatever you need to just to get through. I've found this thread to be so helpful, I hope you do as well. Thinking of you...

[Steve's Sweety]

Annette -
Oh no, I am so sorry to see you here. :(

I called on my family and friends to come and stay with me right afterwards, I had someone with me every day for probably a week. So if you have the resources and think it's what you'd want, I'd recommend it.

Please come here as often as you need to and feel free to post anything on your mind.

[Annette]

Thanks everyone for your support. I wish my family lived closer, but they're all in NY. DH has been wonderful though. He came home from work early and he's coming with me to the doctor tomorrow. I am cramping and bleeding pretty badly right now and I hope it tapers off soon.

How long did you all take off from work? I took today and tomorrow off, but I don't know if I'll be ready by Wed to go back.

[alootikki]

I took two days off of work, but had a weekend in between, so it was more like 4 days off. Definitely take as much time as you need - think of it this way, if you had the flu you'd be out for at least a week. Personally though, it sort of helped to go back to work - no one knew what had happened, so it was a kind of "normalcy" that I didn't have at home.

Glad that DH is with you right now - still thinking of you and wishing you strength to get through these days...

[Annette]

Thanks alootiki-This has been one of the most difficult things I have been through. I am so glad I can find the support I need through these forums. I did have a couple of breakdowns today.
Thank goodness my boss has been understanding of the whole situation and I am hoping I will be able to go back to work by Thursday although he said to take as much time as I need.

[Tiniest Angels]

Updated

[Steve's Sweety]

Thinking of you Annette.

[Annette]

Thanks :) Today was a better day and I did tell a few people at work. I felt okay talking about it. Plus it's unlike me to be out suddenly for 3 days. It was good to be distracted.
I don't know why I keep doing this, but I still keeping going into the October Mommies thread to see what everyone is up too. It's so hard not to be part of that group anymore.
Anyway, my doc told me I needed to wait 2 cycles to TTC again, but I am so impatient it's going to feel like forever. Right now I just want the bleeding to stop.

How long did it take you to grieve and heal from this? Were you scared about getting pregnant again?

Thanks for listening.

[Annette]

Steve's Sweety-I'm sorry AF arrived.

[alootikki]

Annette - honestly, I don't think I will fully "heal" until I have a healthy baby in my arms. And even when that happens, I don't think I will forget my first pregnancy - ya know? Yes, I am terrified of getting pregnant again and having to deal with the fear of this happening all over - but I am even more scared of not getting pregnant again!

[lorbo]

Annette-I had a blighted ovum with a D&E in may of 2004-broke my heart horribly and I was in horrible shape for weeks-I call it the dark time-listened to a lot of Tracy Chapman and scraped/pulled paint off DD's walls-I think a lot of that pulled me thru. I also got pregnant with DS about 3 weeks after the surgery-it was kind of a one shot deal. when I did call the doctor after a bunch of +HPTs, the doctor was upset and sent me for an u/s to rule out an ectopic. i did have quite a bleed with him, but it was only a one time thing with spotting for a few days after. the pregnancy with him was a rollercoaster...but had almost nothing to do with our timing-it was a blood incompatibility issue. with the most recent pregnancy, the baby died somewhere between 12 1/2 weeks and 13 weeks-I've pinned it down to between 12/7-12/11 because I had access to an u/s machine at work and something just didn't look right to me 3 days before the u/s. I had yet another D&E-and continued looking pregnant for awhile. We waited for chromosome tests that came back 6 weeks later to tell us that the pregnancy tissue was normal and the chromosome testing all came back normal...apparently just some bad luck on our part. I couldn't throw myself back in to TTC-if we succeeded, I'd be due in the fall and I have issues with that-physically, my feet couldn't handle a lot of water weight and I'm miserable enough when it gets really hot...I also had a lot of life-changing things happen in January and February. I'm just now getting to the point where I've told DH that we need to discuss this and if we're going to try, we need to...because I don't want to be 40 and doing this...and that's not that far off. I'm scared to death to get pregnant and I'll be even more panicked if I do get pregnant...I think aside from the blood incompatibility issues that could occur, I'd spend the whole pregnancy walking on eggshells.

so to answer your question, we waited the required 2 cycles, mainly because of timing and because I need to recover from everything happening in my life...and with the previous m/c, we didn't wait.

[Steve's Sweety]

Annette -
I think a lot of people have a hard time staying away from their EDD thread. I went in to see what everyone had to say about my news, and then I didn't want anything more to do with it. It was much too painful for me.

I know we're kind of quiet here sometimes, but I always keep an eye out for someone posting here so that if someone needs to "talk", I make sure to come by.

On the grieving and healing -
I also don't feel like I will heal completely until I have a healthy baby in my arms, but I also don't feel like I will ever not think about this baby with sadness.
Grieving wise, I am still going through it. I have more days now where I am "ok", but it is a new kind of normal, ya know? I don't feel like I will ever be the same and like lorbo, I call the days around the time we found out the dark days. I was actually surprised to see that someone else thought that way and called them that too.
Now, I do think I am a pretty sensitive and dramatic person - I know there are other ladies out there who have dealt with it quite differently, but I know there is no wrong way, or no wrong length of time for you to grieve as you need to.

I was really scared of getting PG again the first 2 cycles. It has gotten lesser each cycle since then, but yeah, it's kind of a weird feeling to be both scared of not being pregnant and scared that you are at the same time. Def. not something I felt before.

We were told to wait one cycle but did not want to. However, my body surprised us the first month so we pretty much missed our opportunity.

[lilhimley]

Annette - We had two losses and waited two cycles before trying each time. I had a blighted ovum and on our next try, it took us four cycles to get pregnant and I was beginning to panic it wouldn't happen. I was thrilled that we had a good egg the second time until at 13 weeks, we found out the baby had Down's Syndrome and a severe heart defect and wouldn't survive. After we terminated that pregnancy, the Dr. said we were just unlucky so far, but I was still terrified to try again. I was scared we wouldn't get pregnant and scared what would happen if we did. But I know we had to try so we got pregnant on our second cycle of trying. We just got our results back from the CVS test yesterday and I am carrying a healthy baby boy with no chromosome problems and I plan to finally join the September Mommies thread. I know it seems so sucky(I'm sorry, this word just really describes it for me) when you are told that you've just been unlucky and hope is hard to find. I went to a support group for pregnancy and infant loss and am now attending the group for parents who are pregnant after a loss. The groups and the support in here really help me because I'm talking to people who understand and only we can understand. I too know I won't be comfortable until I have a baby in my arms, but I wanted to let you know that I'm relaxing a bit now since our test results and I'm able to enjoy the pregnancy now. I hope the same for you soon.

Best wishes to everyone here. I'll continue to follow you all and hope for you. I hope it's alright if I chime in once in a while if I have something to say that helps someone here.

Jennifer

[Annette]

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

alootiki-I feel the same way. This was our first pregnancy as well and I had no idea it was going to end like this.

[Annette]

So today I told a friend of mine that I miscarried and instead of support I got all this 'advice' which I really didn't want. I know she meant well, but if I need advice I'll ask for it. I felt like what she had said made it feel like it was my fault that I miscarried. For instance my doctor said to wait two cycles, but she said 3-6 months would be better cause my insides need longer to heal. I'm sorry but you're not my doctor and I'll take your advice with a grain of salt. Now I regret telling her.
Thanks for letting me vent since this has been bothering me most of today.

Has this happened to any of you? How did you deal?

[lorbo]

i didn't get any advice...i just got the obligatory poor comments...such as-well, it's better that it happened now, rather than later, you have a boy and a girl,if i were you i would stop trying to have another, something was really wrong etc.

i took all that with the first pregnancy loss-gritted my teeth. my inlaws never acknowledged the loss at all to me and i think that hurt the most. my GMIL did say she was sorry and i have the utmost respect for her. my brother went and told me that i had a beautiful daughter with so much to be happy about, etc-my response was who the heck do you think you are to tell me what i have to be happy about-he's the most cynical and miserable person in the world(i told my mom what i thought and she told him i wasn't happy with his words of "encouragement"). my other brother just textmessaged me(he lives in the next state) and said he loved me-and that's all i needed. with this last loss, i found out and called my mom to tell her the baby had died and she was in atlantic city and said you lost the baby? i screamed at her-no, i didn't lose the baby, it's still in my belly but the baby died. she also said the "well, it's better that it happened now" and i yelled at her no it isn't, why is it better that i don't have that baby growing in my belly. my aunt gave me the 2 kids comment and i was stunned-told my mom and my aunt talked to her about it and said she just didn't know what to say, so she rambled on about things she shouldn't have...and i told my mom-yes she did. i also said if she was faced with a similar circumstance the best thing is to say i'm sorry for your loss and that's it. that it's better to just let the grieving person talk...that's what i would say to your friend-in the nicest way.

[alootikki]

Um, yes - I got tons of annoying comments and in fact still get insensitive ones! The comments that really disturbed me were the common "It's good that this happened earlier rather than later" ones - some of which I got 20 minutes after hearing the bad news at the ultrasound!

One thing that has really surprised me about this experience is how few people IRL seem to "get it". This includes some of my closest, oldest friends and even my parents. People seem to think it's a minor thing and that you should move on immediately afterwards - it's not that easy.

Anyway, I'm sorry your friend was making you feel worse - maybe you could tell her that? I wish I had spoken up more in the early days and told people to shut up when their words were not supportive!

[Annette]

One thing that has really surprised me about this experience is how few people IRL seem to "get it". This includes some of my closest, oldest friends and even my parents. People seem to think it's a minor thing and that you should move on immediately afterwards - it's not that easy.

This has happened to me too. My parents are the only ones who have been checking in on me. DH told his folks the news when it happened, but they haven't called lately to see how I was doing.

I had thought I was getting better, but yesterday I broke down again and felt sooo depressed. At least the bleeding finally stopped.

[Steve's Sweety]

How's everyone doing?

As my EDD gets closer I'm having more anxiety/weepiness again...

[lilhimley]

I'm thinking of you Tish and wishing good things for you.

[Annette]

Tish-That's definitely hard. I am finding it difficult now that I would have been hitting the second trimester in a week. If you feel like chatting offline, PM me.{{{hugs}}}

lilhimley-Thanks for thinking of me :)

[jenahdawn]

I haven't been paying attention.

6 months later, the comments still come. I don't think they ever will stop. You just have to try and figure out the person's intentions. (I know, it sucks, we are the ones who are hurting, yet we have to worry about offending or upsetting or whatever)

The comments that hurt me the most right now are, "Next time, it'll be twins/triplets" Um, you obviously don't understand how stressful a multiple pregnancy is....especially since it was the fact that there was more than one (along with bleeding) that MY BODY COULDN'T DO IT!

But, you let them pass and then come here and blow up.

[Steve's Sweety]

Jennifer -
Thank you.

Annette -
I was just m/c at the time I should have been going into my 2nd tri but when I should have been 20 wks, 1/2 way it hit me pretty hard again. Right now I think it is mainly because my 2 friends who are due on either side of when I was are getting ready to have their babies soon and here I am not even PG again yet and it is HARD.
That is so sweet of you to offer to chat when you are still just recently dealing with all of this. I sent you a PM.

Jenah -
Yeah...
I have to figure out how to not hold onto them.

-----------

Another rough day today, I am hoping this doesn't mean it will be like this more and more the closer I get to my EDD.
My gf who is due 3 wks before me has to deliver early because of being diabetic so she is having her little one next week and has asked me if I will be willing to watch both kids (she's the one whose little boy I watch now) and I told her I wasn't planning on it. Then I started thinking about it more and it won't be until mid June and it would be a little more income but the way I am feeling now I am not going to be able to handle it at all.
Man, this just sucks. That's all I can ever seem to say about it but it's so true. I just had been doing fairly "well" and now I'm not.

[lilhimley]

Tish, I definitely had times when I was surprised how I'd have a setback in my emotional recovery. I wish I could do something to make you feel better. My local support group really helped me through. Do you have anything like that near you? Or maybe a counselor you can see one-on-one?

[Annette]

Jenah-I am sorry that people are still making hurtful comments to you. That sux. I am glad there is someplace to vent as well.

Tish-Does your friend realize how difficult emotionally it would be to watch her kids while she's in the hospital? Does she have someone else who can do it? I agree, I don't think I'd be able to handle it either.

lilhimley-Where can I find a support group? Do they even have them for early m/cs?

me: This morning was hard. My coworker, whose wife just had a baby last weekend (it was their first)came back to work today. He was sooo happy and said that how it was a life changing event and how much he loves his DD already. I almost lost it. I was happy for him, but at the same time angry at myself because my body couldn't sustain the baby. He knew about my m/c and I was telling him how I was really looking forward to having a baby myself and I had to choke back the tears. I also had a hard time sleeping last night and all I could think about all night long was our angel. My cousin sent me a card today so I know she's thinking about us. That was a really nice gesture on her part.

[Steve's Sweety]

Annette -
I didn't do a good job of explaining that - she wants me to watch both kids after she goes back to work in June, not while she's in the hospital. She does want me to come over and help her out since she's having a c-section, and I want to be able to, but I'm not sure I can handle it. She also wants me to continue watching her little boy while she is home on maternity leave, but would like me to come there and do it at least part of the time, and I had agreed to that but I'm having second thoughts now.

{{HUggSS}} Stuff like that is really hard. I would have been less controlled than you were.
As a matter of fact, I couldn't hold back the tears on Fri when I was at a MOMS Club function and overheard another (the 2nd just in the last week) of the moms telling someone she's PG again (she *just* started trying).

That was nice of your cousin. Has she experienced a loss also?


Jennifer -
Thank you.

The only support group I have found around here is all people who have lost a baby further into their pregnancy or had a stillbirth. They of course told me I was welcome and I did go one time but we were the only ones there and I felt rather awkward. It is some really nice people who do it in their home.
I did go to a counselor for a while but didn't feel like I was getting much out of it, and then I felt like I didn't "need" it anymore.

------------

As I mentioned above, along with dealing with my 2 friends who are getting ready to have their babies, I recently found out 2 moms in the MOMS Club we belong to are pregnant after just having started trying. I know it's not nice but all I can be is sad and jealous.
And then there is me trying to just totally avoid thinking about SIL who is due in a little over a week (they live in CA and we don't see or talk to them much)...

[lorbo]

Tish...I feel the same way...when i drive by myself...the thought comes in to my head...why? what's wrong with me that i couldn't have THIS baby...this is our second loss and it's taking longer to recover...i'm still emotional...i grumble when i see the group where I was supposed to be-i pop over there occassionally and i see the belly pics and mumble that was supposed to be me. i see a pregnant belly and mumble i was supposed to have a big belly now...hell, i was supposed to be entering my 3rd trimester...and i still have a belly...but no baby. this sucks the big one. i told DH it's time to start trying...given the window of opportunity-he stammered when i said that...he comments that he'd be fine without any drama for 6 months...yeah, no. he knows i want one more baby...last pregnancy...last chance to enjoy a baby growing inside me, last chance to experience childbirth(if a vaginal birth is possible), last chance to breastfeed...i know it's asking a lot...but that's all i want. i want my kids to experience another baby...DD is old enough to experience the infant time...I doubt she remembers DS that young...as well as all his problems then. and she keeps saying she's asking God for a baby sister, and when she has a baby sister, she's going to share her room, she wants a puppy...after she has a baby sister...i'd be happy with a healthy baby... the past week, while driving...the thought comes in to my head that i'm ready for the m/c to be the last...and the song i'm ready by tracy chapman keeps repeating in my head...and then i cry or tear up.

[lilhimley]

My support group is a local one, but their website offers a phone number and email for those reaching out from out of the area who need assistance. Perhaps they can find something near you. The meetings I go to are at our local hospital, but the organization is completely volunteer. There are a lot of good resources on the website. At our meetings there are people with losses at 5 weeks all the way through infant loss. It's called HAND - Healing After Neonatal Death. www.handonline.org or 1-888-908-HAND (4263)

I actually had a hard time finding this group. The two doctors who performed my two D&C's didn't have their info, but my regular OB did. I really had to ask. It's interesting that nobody offered support info to us considering I was such a basket case each time we found out bad news.

[Annette]

Tish-I'm not sure what advice to give you regarding your friend, but I think I would feel the same way.

lorbo-I know what you mean. I ask myself the same thing. Why couldn't we have this baby? This would have been our first baby and it's so hard not knowing what caused this. I'm an engineer and I like to solve problems and this is one of them that I will never know the root cause.

lilhimley-I'm surprised too that the doctors don't give out support info. I google searched today and found a support group in my area. I'm kinda nervous about attending though. I feel like I shouldn't make a big deal out of my loss since I was only 8 weeks and I should get over it already.

me: Went to the doc today and my HCG is at 37 so I have to go back in two weeks for another blood draw. At least I won't have to sit around the waiting room next time. I just hated every minute of being there today seeing pregnant women and babies. I was so depressed when I headed into work today.

[lilhimley]

That's one of the reasons I really liked my support group. Nobody there expects you to "just get over it" or "move on", no matter how early your loss was. It was really nice to know that these other people understand and they feel just the way I feel in so many ways. When you feel like the rest of the world has gone on and you are still grieving, sometimes horribly, it's a nice place to go to share your feelings and be surrounded by others who care and share the same emotions. Good luck with your meeting.

[jenahdawn]

Oh, I LOVE our group. Not what we are there for, but it's a group of people that, as you say something or are trying to express how you feel, you look around and see a room full of nodding.

I just hate to see new members, but we'll accept them with open arms.

[Steve's Sweety]

Just got a call that my niece was born about an hr ago. (SIL was due about 6 wks before me, baby came just a little early).
I wish I could be happy. I feel like a bad person because I can't.

[Annette]

Tish-Don't feel bad. I am sure it's completely normal to be feeling like this right now. {{{hugs}}} I can sort of understand. My SIL's due at the end of May and I was so excited that our kids would have been only 4 months apart.

I was chatting with one of my best friends last night and I told her and then she told me she had a m/c back in Oct. For her, because she was on the pill and it was an oops, she told no one she was even pg let alone m/c. I felt so bad for her when she told me she was at her grandma's funeral and it started happening. Then they had to go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok. She's doing better now, but like me, we each have emotional breakdowns once in awhile.

[Annette]

I found this link on another message board. Looks like Oprah is doing a show on m/c, stillbirth and infant loss.

https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?action=respond&plugId=256500001

[jenahdawn]

Yeah, it's already been discussed over in the later term loss thread.

It's about freakin' time.

[Steve's Sweety]

Annette -
Thank you.
Yeah, our boys are 17 days apart, and I was so excited to have another one close in age.

And thank you for the link about the Oprah show, I had not heard anything about that.

[Smurfy]

Delurking. I am so sad. Everything is going wrong. I really need a break. It hurts so much.

[firefly]

T~ Congratulations over here too. praying for a sticky healthy baby.

[Smurfy]

I had my 2nd miscarriage this past weekend. I am devastated. I was having trouble making posts, I was falling apart, so I did something stupid and broke a rule. Now I (or anyone else) cannot see my posts for 24 hours, I wish there was something I could do to make up for my breakdown. I cannot handle not being able to communicate when I need to. I am so sad, I know I brought it on myself. I wish I could have another chance. I realize it was my fault, just like this miscarriage. My stupid body killed another baby and it hurts so much to know they suffered inside me. That's the thing that is ripping me up, that it was a perfectly normal baby and I hurt it because of my screwed up body. I give up, I will take the hint. I just wish I knew where else to go, I loved it here.
I am so sorry for all of your losses.

[Annette]

Smurfy-{{{hugs}}} I am so sorry for your loss and that this was your 2nd m/c. It is not your fault!! Please don't feel that way. You will have another chance. I know it hurts and I can't imagine going through it twice. Feel free to write in this forum since we can all relate.
Has your doctor done any testing?

me: Tomorrow marks the one month mark since our loss. Each day gets better. I got a hair cut yesterday and it made me feel good. I figure its a good way to start a new chapter.

[kphillips4]

Hi there...I was in the Oct 2008 mommies group but found out about 2 weeks ago that I had a MC. I had a few problems with spotting and such but after seeing the baby's heartbeat I thought for sure everything would be alright. Our worst fear was confirmed on March 23 when we didn't see the heartbeat any longer. It appeared that the baby stopped developing at 7W 3D.
It's been really hard but I have faith that this was the plan for our family. I know that I will be so scared when we start TTC #2 again. I took a medicine called Misoprostal in hopes that I would pass the baby on my own but after a re-check it was determined that the medicine was not working and so I had a DNC last Friday. What a horrible thing this is to go through. Just out of curiosity...if you have had a DNC how long did you bleed after the procedure? Thanks for listening, I think this group has really helped even though this is the first time I have posted.

[lilhimley]

Smurfy and Kphillips, I'm so sorry to see you here, along with everyone else. Smurfy, you cannot change what has already happened. I hope you can manage to stop beating yourself up soon. I'm currently 17weeks pregnant after two losses, so it's possible. I know it feels hopeless, but even before we got pregnant again, I was starting to get enjoyment out of some things and it was a little light at the end of the tunnel to realize that good things and good times were still available to me even though I was so sad. I found spending time with people, especially groups, was helpful. We also got a lot of help from our local support group. Being with other people who really understood was a huge help.

For the D&C, I've had a total of four over the years and they all had minimal to regular period bleeding afterwards maybe 3 days, but I understand that heavy and longer bleeding can occur as well and it is still considered normal.

Please vent here as much as you need to. I hope you all feel better soon.

Jen

[Steve's Sweety]

Smurfy -
I am so so sorry for your losses. I have said before that no one should have to go through this and especially not more than once!

Please try not to think that your m/c are your fault.
I wish I knew what to say to you because I can tell you are hurting so badly and I am in tears for you because I know how awful it is to hurt like that. I am very sorry.


Kimberly -
I am so sorry for your loss.
I also took misoprostal but afterwards I passed our baby at home. I am sorry you had to go through that and still have a d&c.
My thoughts are with you.

[EJH]

Hi ladies --

I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope it's okay to post here for a bit of advice. My DD's teacher had a miscarriage this week. She was out the last couple of days but is back today. I'm getting her a card from our family, but wondered if there is anything else you would suggest? She had only told a few of the moms that she's closest to, me being one of them.

Thanks for your thoughts, and my best wishes to all of you.

Erin

[jenahdawn]

No plants. Especially flowers. Once they die, it's just a reminder.

A gift card to a local restaurant or food because she's not going to be thinking about cooking.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Hi,
i want to post but will post my whole story later. I found out on monday that there was no heartbeat. I was 10 weeks and the baby was later found to measure 8w4d. We are devastated. I was a november mommy. My D&C was today and the emotional pain is worse than the physical. I'm just comforted knowing this thread is here. I never thought this would happen to me though i'm sure everyone says that. My husband has been wonderful and my 22 month old is helping me heal.

[Steve's Sweety]

EJH -
For me personally, the best thing people could do was acknowledge my loss and ask/talk to me about it. I hated the pretending it didn't happen thing that some of our friends did, or the fact that some of them never ever mentioned it, asked about me or sent a card.
However, I have heard that some people don't want to talk about it at all, and I have no idea which of the ways she may be.

Mrs Chappy -
Oh gosh, I am sooo sorry.
It really is such a devastating thing and I hate that others have to go through it.
Please come and post as much and openly as you feel like whenever you are ready.

[EJH]

Thanks Jenah and Steve's Sweety.

I didn't see her today as she was in late and out early..but she had her best friend who is the assoc director tell those of us that knew yesterday. Have a card to leave for her in the morning if she's not there at drop off.

Thanks again.

[JRose]

Mrs Chappy~ I didn't get a chance to respond to the Nov. thread, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. You will find great support from the women in this thread. I had my D&C in November and understand about the emotional pain being worse than the physical. I'll be thinking of you.

[jenahdawn]

the emotional pain being worse than the physical.

Jess, that's the understatement of the year....or at least the last 7 1/2 months for me...

[Annette]

EJH- I agree with what Tish said. The cards from my cousin and friend made a huge difference. I hated that some people didn't ask me how I am a week or two after it happened. I wanted people to acknowledge my loss and not ignore it. Don't say things like "it was meant to be". Just tell them if you need to talk, you will be there.

Mrs. Chappy-I'm so sorry for your loss. We're here if you need to talk.

[Jill1228]

Mrs. Chappy, I am sorry for your loss!

You ain't kidding when you said the emotional hurts more than the physical. I stayed in bed all week after my D&C


EJH- Don't say things like "it was meant to be".

Oooooo this pisses me off! Do not give this "it's G-d's will", "it wasn't meant to be" or "there was probably something wrong with it" crap

I just wanna throttle fools who say this :mad:

[EJH]

Thanks all. We got her a card and told her we're always here to talk or just listen if she needs that.

I appreciate all your thoughts..

[kphillips4]

MrsChappy - I just read about your situation and am just so sorry. I recently went through this as well. I am here if you need to talk. (((HUGS)))

[Mrs.Chappy]

kophillips thanks for your post. I totally have been thinking of you and i was going to pm you. I remember when you posted on the october mommies thread about your loss and i was speechless. When this happened to me i was thinking ofyou. Our june babies are only days apart. How are you doing??

[Steve's Sweety]

Thinking of you girls tonight.

[kphillips4]

MrsChappy - I am doing alright. It is still really hard b/c it came so suddenly. I had the spotting but then saw the HB and it made it seem like everything was going to be ok. I guess it was just a MAJOR surprise and a very unwelcomed one. I was getting really excited after seeing the HB only to see everything go downhill. I was so sad to see you over here but I am willing to talk whenever you need to and thanks so much for checking on me. ((HUGS)))

[Annette]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to check in and see how everyone was.

Kim-I was so excited after seeing the h/b as well and then less than two weeks later the m/c happened. I still well up with tears every time I think about it.

Mrs. Chappy-How are you doing?

me: This weekend was hard on me. We went to PA for our friend's wedding. It was nice to see our friends. It was difficult to not get envious of my friends who were there with their kids or expecting. The one who already has two kids was already talking about trying for a third. She's had no trouble getting or staying pregnant. I told my friends what happened and they gave me their sympathy which was nice, but later that night I could not stop thinking about our baby. It's been over a month now, but the emotional pain is still so raw. I thought I was healing, but after this weekend I feel like the salt got rubbed in the wound some more. It's just not fair.

[10.4.03]

hello, I'm experiencing my first m/c. I was 7w, 5d pg with my second pg. I have an 18 month old daughter. I hadn't seen a Dr. yet and missed my first u/s. I was scheduled for both today, but started bleeding on Tuesday. I had a u/s the next day and they felt I had my dates wrong (I knew I didn't) because I was measuring 5.5 weeks and no hb. The next day they confirmed that my levels were too low and now I will be tracked until the reach 0 I think.

I'm trying to be ok with everything that is happening, but finding it pretty difficult. The OB recommended a natural m/c unless I'm having major bleeding issues. The physical aspects of what is happening now is making it all quite difficult for me. I find myself wishing it would just be over and it's only been a few days. A week or so ago I stopped feeling pregnant, I had a disconnection of sorts with the pg, but I tried to just remain positive and push those feelings aside. I never in a million years guessed when I went in for the u/s that this would be the turnout. I just thought I'd see the hb and all would be ok.

The one thing I just can't shake is this feeling that I should have waited to get pg. I got pg on my first pp ovulation after DD. Granted, this was 17 months later (I bf'd and it suspended my cycles forever) but I just can't help but feel that I didn't give my body the chance to feel normal before sending it into pg mode again. For this I'm feeling a lot of guilt.

I also do not know what to do with myself. I have a million and one things that I should be doing, but I don't want to. I don't really want to do anything, yet at the same time I feel so unsettled just sitting around.

[Mrs.Chappy]

10.4... hugs to you..i am so sorry you are going through this. i think guilt is normal..i have tons of it, though everyone, including my OB tells me its nothing i did or didn't do. I too feel like i am in a cloud. i am at work now but i seem to do nothing!

Annette: thanks for asking about me..i don't know how i am doing..i feel like i'm totally putting on an act when i act like everything is fine...i can't explain it but i'm sure you know what i am saying. I cry everyday, though i try to hide it. haven't cried yet today. I have an appt w/ my OB on wed (two weeks post d&c).. Does anyone know what i should expect from this appt?? we were told to wait 2 cycles before trying again..do i even want to try again?? I am hoping for some answers based on the pathology reports that were conducted after my d&c...i know i will be disappointed if there are no answers.

In the meantime, i took the initiative to make an appointment w/ my endocrinologist. i had hypothyroid post pregnancy w/ my son but after taking synthroid for a few months, things resolved and i was taken off it. My physical in Nov revealed normal levels too but i just need for there to be a reason for all of this.

in the meantime, i am on this crazy health kick, starting two days ago.. after i get the ok, from my ob, i am going to take a pilates class. i figured i need to lose the 5 lbs i gained after 10 wks of pregnancy..DH is also on a health kick so i might as well focus my energy on that.
ok, enough rambling.
how is everyone else?

[AliMC]

10.4.03, are you the same 10.4.03 from the WC? I was Alibride there - we had the same wedding date.

In any case, I am sorry to see you here, I recently had a miscarriage (3.7.07 at eight weeks) and it passed naturally. We were thinking that everything was fine - good beta numbers and whatnot, but there was no heartbeat at the ultrasound.

Right after we found out, I had to go out of town and I have to say that I was glad for the distraction because sitting around waiting for it to happen just felt awful. When it did, it was an incredibly strange experience - emotionally and physically.

I was glad to have it happen naturally, because I felt that - for me - a d&c would feel very invasive. Plus, without one we could start trying again sooner. But if I had had one they could have examined the tissue for clues as to why it happened.

The question of 'why?' I think weighs really heavily on everyone who has a m/c. It's a hard one to let go of, even if you know you can't really get an answer to it.

[Annette]

10.4.03 & Ali-I am sorry to hear about your losses. {{{hugs}}}

Mrs.Chappy-I can definitely understand the feeling of putting on an act. It was sooo hard to feel normal the first 2-3 weeks, especially at work. It didn't help that my coworker's wife just had her baby 5 days after my m/c. Health kicks are good. I really need to start getting myself to the gym.

I had a follow-up 2 weeks post m/c and I had blood drawn for HCG levels and an internal exam. We are hoping to start trying again next cycle since I have to get a wisdom tooth out in 2 weeks.

I wish I knew the 'why' as well. Since I m/c naturally as well, there was nothing to test. I am just hoping this doesn't happen again. It's in my nature to solve problems as an engineer and this is just one of those thats not going to be solved.

[lorbo]

even with the last D&E and chromosome testing...we were told everything came back normal...just some bad luck...second pregnancy lost and no answers...and that was with medical testing.

eta...when i lost the pregnancy between DD and DS back in may 2005-diagnosis was a blighted ovum and i had my first d&e...i was warned not to get pregnant. um...i got pregnant 3 weeks after the surgery much to the dismay of the doctor who did the surgery. she kind of freaked out on me(in the nicest way) and i had a choice of ultrasound or the appt first. i chose the ultrasound and that's where i saw DS's heart beating away. my pregnancy with him was a rollercoaster-the first part of it was terrifying because i had a bleed...the last part of it-well, up until 32 1/2 weeks when i had an emergency c/s-was overwhelming...but not due to the previous loss. so, even after a surgical intervention, i got pregnant.

[10.4.03]

mrs chappy thank you. I remember you in the Nov mommies thread and being so sad hearing your news. I hope the guilt is something we both can shake in time. I just seem to be going in waves of different feelings that are all over the place.

AliMc - yes, it's me! omg. I teared up reading that it was you and you just suffered a loss too.
I'm thinking that I would not have liked the d&c even if it would seem swift. I know what you mean about the invasive aspect and that doesn't appeal to me either. I'm glad to think of it that way now, rather than just wishing this all to be over. I didn't know that you could start trying sooner after a natural m/c. That is good to know.

annette thank you for the hugs

[Mrs.Chappy]

i have to be honest that i hhave no clue about betas and HCG levels. i never inquired with DS and this time around either.With DS i just let the OB take control...i'm sure, next time around i'll be much more proactive.

DH suggested taking a trip t his summer for our 5th anniv. He wants to do Nappa. My mom's first comment was, 'what if you are pregnant?" That crossed my mind too..but on the otherhand i can't even think about it. DH and i have not discussed it. i'm sure we will when/if we make concrete plans for an august trip.

[Annette]

Napa sounds nice. I am sure traveling is fine while you are pg. Heck, a friend of ours just went to Greece and she's 7 months pg.
We were planning to go somewhere while we were pg. Now that we're not we'll probably go to Europe or something. I will probably still travel while I'm pg. Just make sure you have trip insurance.

I too did not have betas and HCG checked while I was pg. After the m/c though, they needed to check to make sure the HCG goes back below 5.

[AliMC]

10.4.03 - It's an awful process, and at a month out from my miscarriage I have some feelings of sadness that are stronger (being around newborns is wildly difficult), but we've started a fresh cycle with our RE - I have some IF issues - and I am trying to be as positive about that as I can. Another aspect of not wanting the d&c was that my RE would have performed it, and I didn't want to associate him with that. Does that sound crazy?

I will have to sign on to your LJ and be friended! I still see some of my WC friends - Beebeck amongst them. We get together for drinks every 4-6 months and it's pretty great. I always feel that I was really lucky with the quality of friends I've made online!

Annette, thank you for your hugs.

Mrs. Chappy I am ashamed to say that I won't let my husband plan any travel. Partially because we are on fertility cycles which makes it difficult to plan around... partially because we spent so much time traveling that we postponed TTCing until just over a year ago... and partially because I am paranoid. I know how out-of-sorts my body feels after flying and I can't imagine that preggers. (Aren't I the optimistic one?) I do know a lot of people who have traveled pregnant to get their last big trip in, without consequence. I would think the biggest bummer would be the not drinking in Napa. :rolleyes:

[Mrs.Chappy]

yeah, i'm unsure of nappa more than the drinking than traveling..however, my husband hasn't put two and two together..he can't figure out why i am so wishy washy about it. I figure i'll bring it up after my OB appointment on monday. i just assume he doesn't want to try again for some time. I am undecided but booking a trip to wine country seals the deal that we will wait several months.

[tenofcups]

I've been trying to read through this whole thread, but it's a bit overwhelming in one shot. It is SO helpful to read about others' experiences. I will continue to read and try to catch up, but in the meantime have a couple of questions if anyone has some answers...

I started bleeding yesterday morning, went to the doctor, and there was no longer a heartbeat and no growth since a previous ultrasound 10 days earlier. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I wasn't entirely surprised -- at my first doctor's appointment at what should have been 6 weeks there was no sign of a fetus although there was a sac; at my second appointment at what should have been 8 weeks, the fetus was there with a heartbeat but measured 6 weeks. There was talk that either my dates were wrong or it was developing too slowly. Since I knew when we'd had sex and when I was pretty sure I'd ovulated -- and in the two weeks afterwards had been out of town for a week for a funeral followed by another week of intensely long work days -- I knew my dates had not been wrong. Still... one can hope...

Went in today for a D&E, which was absolutely the right decision *for me.* As sad as I am that there's no baby, knowing that there was not a viable fetus, I feel great relief that it is out of my body.

So that's my story and here are my questions:

- I was told to expect some cramping and bleeding, like a heavy period. I've been home since 3 pm (it's now 2 am) and there's no cramping and some bleeding, but nothing major. I don't know if I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and something to kick in, or if I'm just "lucky" and this will be fairly easy. Did anyone else not experience major bleeding/cramps after a D&E? (Who would think I would worry about not having pain?!)

- Reading through this thread, it seems that almost everyone has gone in for follow-up exams and blood tests. I was told I didn't need to come back in unless I wanted to do and as far as I know, there's no plan for any blood tests. Am I the only one?

- Related to both the above, I'm slightly nervous that maybe they didn't get everything if I'm not experiencing cramps/bleeding and that I won't know it if I don't go in for an exam.... No actual question there, but any opinions?

- I have no idea if this is purely psychological or if it really is the physical reality, but already I don't feel pregnant like I did. My mood -- oddly enough -- seems to be much more evened out and I don't feel the moodiness and bitchiness that I'd be experiencing; boobs already don't hurt though they're still a little big; my body overall seems almost back to normal. Is that really possible? (Of course it is; I'm feeling it :rolleyes: but is that what others have experienced?)

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read through this very long post and might have some experiences/opinions to share...

[10.4.03]

I had no idea about HCG levels and betas with I was pg with DD. My old OB never had me do that. With this pg, I switched OBs because we moved and the new practice had me get my HCG levels checked before my first appt. Now they will keep track until they are below 5.

My ILs wanted to plan a big trip with the entire family next thanksgiving to celebrate MIL's good health (she's had some major health issues this last year), but that was when I was supposed to be due with the baby so we cancelled. Now I guess we could do it and think it might be something great to look forward to.

ali - my feelings are all over the place. sometimes I think I have it together only to fall apart. Monday was especially hard to be back at work. Yesterday felt like a new start, then I turned into a moody and emotional wreck last night. I ran into a friend last Friday with her newborn and it was so much more difficult for me than I ever imagined it would be.

I think that was an excellent call on your part to not have your RE associated with a d&c, not crazy at all. You must do what is best for you to focus all positivity on your situation.

Definitely friend me on LJ! I don't know if you talk to jj anymore but I know she would be thrilled to "see" you on there. It is incredible to me how special these women have become in my life. I don't know if I would've made it through this without them.

tenofcups
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I agree, this thread is a great help, but I don't think I could read in one shot either!
In regards to your questions, I think that you could find out if they got everything by having blood tests. I'm m/c naturally so they are monitoring my levels and I will go in for an annual when I've reached below 5. I have found (my DH has even commented on it) that my mood, although sad, has been so much better than when I was pg. I was so incredibly emotional with this pg and am just not feeling the bitchiness either.

[Annette]

tenofcups-I am so sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}}

[alootikki]

I'm sorry to see so many new members here since my last visit :(

tenofcups, I had a d&c at 9 weeks, and to answer your questions:

- I was also told to expect cramping/bleeding, and was freaked out because they gave me a prescription for Tylenol with codeine (I was thinking "how much is this supposed to hurt?!"). And then in reality, it was barely like a period. I didn't have any cramps or pain, and very light bleeding the first day (immediately after the procedure). Then spotting the next couple of days - and then nothing. It was so minor to what I was expecting! Your experience sounds very similar - so don't worry!

- I had to go back 2 weeks later, and the dr. did a transvag ultrasound to make sure everything looked ok. I'm a little surprised that your dr doesn't want you back just to check? Maybe you should make the exam appointment anyway?

- My symptoms (the biggest of which was sore boobs) went away almost immediately after the procedure too.

[tenofcups]

I have found (my DH has even commented on it) that my mood, although sad, has been so much better than when I was pg. I was so incredibly emotional with this pg and am just not feeling the bitchiness either.

Thank you so much for writing that! It's only been a day and I expect to go through ups and downs, of course, but it's kind of a relief to read that you felt that way too -- I *am* feeling better and feeling *guilty* for feeling better so it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one. I desperately wanted this baby -- I'm 43, never pregnant before, and well aware that this might have been my last chance so I'm terribly upset about that. But overall I feel a "lightness" and a sense of being myself that I didn't feel when I was pregnant. It's very weird and really kind of disturbing. But so helpful to know that I'm not the only one.

alootikki Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That sounds so much like what's happening here and again, it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one! I too have a perscription for tylenol and codeine and so was expecting much worse than what I'm feeling. I think I will go ahead and make an appointment for a follow up. If nothing else, it will set my mind at ease and I think that's pretty key right now too.

I think I said this originally, but I have to say it again -- this thread is such an incredible help. I do know people who have had miscarriages and I do have people in real life to talk to, but this level of information and support is wonderful to have as a resource.

[kphillips4]

MrsChappy - DH and I also wanted to take a trip to Napa but I am not sure when I will get pregnant again. It's weird, I kind of feel like maybe I don't want to get pregnant again but I know deep down I really do want to. It seems like since having an easy time with Haley that maybe I shouldn't push my luck. I am sure it's all so new right now though and things will change. Do you feel that way at all??
TenofCups - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I also had a DNC after I didn't pass it naturally and it was the right decision for me. I need the finality that a DNC gave and knowing that everything was taken care of. From what I have heard and read it depends on the person as to how much you bleed etc afterwards. For me, I bleed heavily for about a week afterwards.
I went back for my follow-up appt last week and everything checked out fine. She made sure that my cervix was closed etc. I think a follow-up appt is good to give you comfort in knowing that everything turned out ok.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Kim,
I feel the EXACT same way you do. Ben is so easy, in every sense of the word, why tempt fate again! I too keep telling myself that maybe i should stop wanting more kids but deep down i do. My mother asks about it all the time and i keep telling her i want to adopt instead or that i wouldn't mind if ben is an only child. I return to my OB this afternoon for a check up and i want to discuss my fears with him. DH and i have not discussed our future with children. i know that he DOES want to go to Nappa so he isn't thinking along the same lines as me. Unless, he is wanted to try again in the future after that. I am just finding it hard to talk to DH lately..and he knows it but told me that when i'm ready, he is there.

[Mrs.Chappy]

ten,
hugs to you.

[jenahdawn]

Does anyone want to help TM this thread?

I've got two trips coming up (a week each) and I don't want anyone who puts updates in to think I'm neglecting. Just send me a PM and I will send the log in info to you. Just looking for one other person for now, but if I get more than one, I may bow gracefully out. (I've got to stop visiting this thread soon because it's beginning to scare me now. Guess who's almost 8 weeks?)

As a reminder, if there's anything you want added/updated to the front page, post in red. It's not required, though. And you don't have to do it right away. I know this isn't a fun thread to join.

[Lanapoo]

Hi Tenofcups, I hope I can answer some of your questions...

1. I mc'd naturally (it took me three weeks) but I didn't have nearly the cramping and bleeding that I expected. My dr. gave me percocet so I was thinking the same thing as you (that this was going to be really bad), but it didn't end up being all that painful.
2. I didn't have any blood tests afterwards and just had a quick u/s to make sure everything was gone since it was a natural m/c.
3. My theory is that maybe they did a really good job getting everything and that may be why you are not having too much cramping and bleeding.
4. I pretty much stopped feeling pg before I found out. I was 9 weeks when I found out but the embryo had stopped growing right around 7 weeks. I was 12 weeks when I was finally able to miscarry. I think you went the right way for you. I can tell you it was really crappy going through three weeks knowing that there is an embryo inside you that isn't alive. I just wanted it done at that point. Don't feel guilty about feeling good and normal. Two days after I finally m/c'd I went to a beer festival with hubby and friends. I had a really good time and I really felt like having some fun after having weeks of uncertainty.

[AliMC]

tenofcups - I am so sorry for your loss.

I know that I am chiming in late here, but I too felt like my 'pregnant' feelings had kind of ceased in the days before we found out I was going to m/c. And afterwards, I had feelings that were all over the place... sometimes I feel really normal and just ready to get on with it, and at other times I have felt just really devastated. Because I miscarried naturally, they monitored it via u/s, though it was really clear to me when the sac passed. Because of the u/s they didn't do any blood tests.

After the miscarriage and before I started my current cycle I was like 'woohoo - I'm livin' it up for the month!' I have PCOS, so that meant actually eating CARBS! And SUGAR! And having a LATTE! And drinking WINE!' It helped me feel better.

10.4.03 Going back to work was really hard. I could only take two days (one when we found out, and one when I actually miscarried). There are two visibly pregnant women in my office that walk past my office 4-5 times a day. Also, nobody in my office has known what was going on, except my boss and office-mate. I get lots of people telling me how slender I look, which sounds nice but is actually still kind of upsetting, when I think 'I'd really rather be sporting a 16 week baby bump... but thanks.' :(

I think that, aside from when we actually found out, telling my Dad that I was going to miscarry was the hardest experience. He's really far away and hearing him get silent and then start to cry over the phone was just devastating. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. His sadness for me was so deep. He hated the thought of the pain he knew I would experience and was frustrated - as a parent - not being able to do anything to help me.

If there was any silver lining to this experience, I think it would be realizing how important I am to my father, my mother, my sister, and my husband. They cared less about the loss of a baby, and far more about how I was going to be. In fact, I would say that my marriage has been strengthened because of it. I know, better than ever before, that my husband is just the best. (IMHO)

Mrs Chappy - It sounds like you have a sweet husband. Who likes a good trip! Maybe you could leave the Napa option open and just plan it closer to the date when you think that you'll go. I read an article recently that said that the best time to buy plane tickets was 3-6 weeks before travel... And there is always Site59. Then, your options are still open if you want to keep trying to get pregnant again now.

As for me, we had an encouraging appointment with our RE this morning and are going to be doing an IUI quite soon. He has been really positive about getting me pregnant again. Soon. And his optimism is kind of catching.

jenahdawn Congratulations H&H!!!! Sticky baby vibes!

[Annette]

Jenahdawn-Congratulations!! Happy and healthy 9 months! Enjoy your trips.

Except for the sore boobs, I really didn't have any other pregnancy symptoms except for feeling a little queasy. I was actually envious of those who had morning sickness. Thinking back now, when I was measured at my u/s, based on my O date I was 7 weeks, but the baby only had measured 6w2d. I don't know if something was wrong back then. Same goes for lack of m/s. Was it a sign that this pregnancy wouldn't work?

ali-I hear ya on going back to work. I was out 3 days and told my boss what was going on. I did tell my coworkers and I think they were a bit shocked. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and hubby :)

tenofcups-I'm glad you are finding this thread helpful. It was really nice to have someone to turn to since none of my RL friends have gone through this. This was our first pregnancy too.

[10.4.03]

my hcg levels are already down to 41 from 300-something last week. The NP is hoping that they will be below 5 by next week. She said that I would most likely get a period 3-5 days later. Did anyone experience this when having a natural m/c? I'm finally not feeling queasy either. It seemed like such cruel fate to me to be having the discomfort of the natural m/c combined with m/s type symptoms :(.

Today I am seeing a acupuncturist. She was actually the first person who told me I was pg. I suspected it, but it was too early too test (only 1 week past O). I told her I had suspected I was and she felt my pulse and said "yes, I would say yes, you are pregnant". I haven't seen her since, but had hoped to continue seeing her during the pregnancy.

tenofcups - I must say that I too was so relieved to hear that I was not the only one that felt this way. I felt so guilty during the pregnancy for being such a major cranky beeotch! I feel even guiltier now that I'm feeling more like my old self again.

kim and mrs. chappy - I too have those thoughts of not tempting fate again, yet I yearn to be pregnant again and give DD a sibling or two.

jen - congrats! wishing you all the best in the months to come.

ali - so happy hear you had an encouraging appt with your RE! what great news. Keeping my fingers crossed for you :)
Your return to work sounds so difficult. I'm so sorry for that. My boss and DH's boss both went through m/c's with their wives, so they were both quite understanding. Several people I work with knew I was pg (eating lunch #1 at 10:30 is always a giveaway). Right now, I feel more uncomfortable around those I work closely with that don't know, even thought I don't necessarily want them to know. It's strange.

I teared up reading about your telling your dad. How wonderful to know that you are so loved and supported by your family. I turned to my family also and felt such incredible support that I really needed. My dad was so sweet, he has zero experience with m/c so he was just trying so hard to understand. He asked so many questions, like if I was at the hospital, did I eat something that made it happen and then he wrote down the "key dates" when we didn't know what was going on. When we finally did find out and I told him, he said he had tears coming down his face. It broke my heart.

[jenahdawn]

I know my situation was different. (I experienced L&D, but was only 19 weeks)

But, no one ever checked my levels....or, they did and I never knew them.

I bled for 4-5 weeks and then got my first (HEAVY) period 4 weeks later. (The second and third were heavy, too....then they were normal for a few months and, well, now...you know)

Thanks for all the well wishes.....only 7 months to go.....

[kphillips4]

Jenahdawn - Congrats and Happy and Healthy 7 more months!!! That is wonderful!!!
Annette - My dates also lagged as you mentioned yours did. At 7W...I measured 6W 2 D but since they saw a HB, I wasn't alarmed. Now I wonder if something was off all along.
10.4.03 - I feel the same way...I want DD to have a sibling but I am just really worried.
It's still all so new, today marks 4 weeks since I had my MC.

[Mrs.Chappy]

Kim and Annette: My date was supposed to be 10-30 based on everything but when the u/s place (diff than my OB b/c of insurance reasons) reported back to my OB, they changed it to 11/4. I was shocked. The explanation by the NP was not clear..thinking back, i do suspect there was a problem from the beginning. I wasn't charting or anything but i know my body.

So now, i am changing my insurance as of july so i do not have to go back to the u/s place and can do everything in office and also, i will not be seeing any NP: just my OB. Not that she did anything wrong, but i need the changes for me.

I guess i am moving towards the prospect of trying again someday.

[alootikki]

Jenah, congratulations!!!!!! Sending tons of good wishes your way!

AliMC - only my boss knew at work too. I kind of like it that way - work is a refuge where no one knows, unlike social situations where people are always checking to see if I'm drinking/not/etc.

10.4.03 - Your acupuncurist sounds really amazing - so interesting that she could tell you were PG! Does acupuncture really increase your fertility? Hmm...something to look into...

kphillips - I know how you feel about everything being unreal. ((HUGS))

Mrs. Chappy - I pm-ed you.

[10.4.03]

jen- I haven't gone back too far in this thread. It's somewhat overwhelming to me. But just reading the above post broke my heart. I'm so sorry for your losses and am sending you all the best vibes for a very healthy 7 months to come.

alootikki - I only went once to the acupuncturist (I was bfing DD and never had a period but was wanting to start TTC). By the time I finally went I was already pg. I plan to go once a week now to get my body back on track, fertility and otherwise. I was fascinated by what I learned about my body yesterday. I have heard lots of people having great success with acupuncture in terms of fertility though.

[AliMC]

Jenahdawn - I am totally rooting for you and sending sticky vibes!

Kphillips4 - I feel like I have spent a lot of time being concious of how long it's been and where we would be if things were different and it seems, perhaps, you are too. Starting a new cycle has really helped and I hope that you can get started again - if that's what you want - soon.

Mrs. Chappy - The insurance rollercoaster is such a nightmare! I switched to DHs insurance when it became clear that Seeing What Happens wasn't working for us. It was a total PITA, but thank god I did it because we would be broke from all the diagnostice, meds and treatments. Good luck with yours!

10.4.03 & Alootikki- I see an acupuncturist 1-2 times a week (depending on where in a cycle I am) and it has been so helpful. Especially with the m/c.

It's not for everyone, but I do know people who attribute their success (both natural and IVF) to their treatment. I find it very relaxing and I know that I have responded unusually well to my fertility treatments (I have PCOS) which I attribute at least in part to acupuncture. I got pg on my 2nd IUI on a very low dose of clomid after 12 months of TTCing without any positive results. I am so pro-acupuncture, thought the only studies I have found relate to IVF success. The only caveat is that it isn't covered by my health insurance. $$$!!

[Annette]

Why is it everywhere I've been going lately, I see pregnant women? We went out to eat last night and of course our waitress was preggo, along with the lady in the booth next to us. grrrr. Plus there's at least 3 at work in my dept whom I see often.

[AliMC]

Annette - I feel you on the pregnant ladies everywhere! I see them at work, the grocery store, the gym, the movies... everyone is pg but me! Luckily in my apartment building we are the only married couple, so I don't have to deal with it there...

Actually, one of the hardest things for me was that DH's best friend and his wife announced their pregnancy a couple of weeks before my m/c and before we had announced ours. She is exactly two weeks further along than I would have been. IT's their third. She gets pregnant if he looks at her sideways. I feel very petty, like I just really don't want to see them at all.

Of course, that shouldn't be hard to accomplish because she doesn't like us anyways. Seeing as how we only see them twice a year now, I think I can avoid them until the christening. Petty petty me!