No wedding present from aloof friend - what would you do?

[Sami]

First, as a disclaimer, as a bride I did not expect any wedding presents. Presents are nice but my wedding was not about how much money or china I could accumulate. Ahem...moving on...here is my problem.

One of my college friends, M, is single and very aloof to the whole 'wedding etiquette' thing. She attended my wedding last year and it was great having her there - no gift was required, of course. However, about 2 weeks later she called and said, "Oh, I have to mail your present." The gift never arrived. And although I claimed that I didn't really care, it did bother me that she never sent anything, not even a card. But whatever, I moved on. Everything has been fine between us, we hang out a few times a month, and we're cool.

Cue to last weekend, right before our friend D's wedding. M called me in a panic from the mall the night before the wedding and asked "Is D registered anywhere?" So I told her the two places D had a registry. She asked me what I got her. She asked whether gift cards were tacky. And on and on it went - loads of wedding gift questions directed my way. And the whole time I was thinking, "YOU never got ME a present!!! Why are you asking me what to get someone else for a wedding gift?"

I think M, as great as she is, was raised without many "social graces". I had to tell her just a few months ago that it's considered impolite to show up at a BBQ empty-handed. She was ready to roll in as is, and I asked what she was bringing to our friends' party she looked at me confused. So I suggested a nice bottle of wine or some dessert. :rolleyes:

So...should I confront her and ask whether she ever mailed me anything (in case she did and I never thanked her?), drop it and move on, or something else??

What would YOU do?

[tlew12778]

Nothing. What can you do? It'd be rude to say anything to her. Maybe she was broke last year and has money to spend on a gift this year?

[jimmysgirl424]

I don't really think there is polite (non-offensive) way to ask her. I guess I would probably just let it go.

[IrisHope]

The same thing happened to us. DHs work colleague didn't get us a present and kept telling him she had to get him something. It never arrived. We all went to a wedding of another colleague and she brought a big gift for that person. The thing is she is known for her etiquette which makes it even stranger. There's nothing you can do but wonder what the heck was going on.

[IrishMeg]

Nothing. There is really nothing you can do.

[CLW4KU]

I would say, "hmmm....what did you get me again?".....but then again...I would probably just say that under my breath. I think saying nothing is probably the best bet. Gift cards are never tacky though....IMO.

[bluberry]

Your friend sounds pretty clueless. Of course that wouldn't stop me from saying something to her in passing along the lines of, "that's really thoughtful of you to get her a wedding gift".

[maplekitty]

Unfortunately, it's one of those things that you can't really say anything about, unless she brings it up - such as "hey, have you used the ____ I gave you for your wedding??", in which case you would know that she did actually get you something and it was lost. Or "You know, I still havnt sent your wedding gift yet..." and then you know that you indeed have no received anything.

A similar thing happened with me. My grown ex-step-sister and ex-step-mom (has since divorced from my dad, but they are still family to me) attended my wedding. I never got a present or even a card from either of them. They are very good about etiquette and always taught me about thank you notes while I was growing up. So, what was I to do?? I thought perhaps they just didn't want to bring it to the weddin and were going to give it to me in person. Nope, no mention of it. Well, I didn't send a thank you card because I didn't get anything from them to thank - so now we;re left at wondering did they actually bring someting (gift or gift card in a card) and it was lost at teh reception and *I'm* in the bad for not sending them a thank you note. Obviously it's equally rude to ask about not receiving a thank you note, so they've never said anything to me. At this point, I'm just leaving it at that. Neither of us has said anything, so leave it at that.

As for your friend, if you know she lacks in social graces, then help her out as much as you can, and just leave the wedding gift saga in the past - there is really nothing you can do about it at this point.

[wendalah]

I'd drop it and let it go, because until I got married, I was clueless on wedding etiquette myself. I'd just consider it karma for my own bad behavior.

[IrisHope]

Why don't you suggest she buy them what she bought you.... ;)

[kmmommy]

I agree that you should just let it go. We experienced the same thing with a friend when we were married. It's not worth the hassle to question what happened IMO.

I do like IrisHope's suggestion though. :)

[PG-rated]

Well, I agree that it's almost impossible to politely bring it up. But I had a similar situation happen to me, where my friend said he had mailed a gift, and I never got anything. I did actually send him a quick (somewhat awkward) email when nothing showed up after a couple of months, and got a noncommital response, so I let it go. Turns out that he had bought us season tickets at a local theater, and by the time we figured it out (the box office finally called to ask why we kept missing our shows), we had missed half the season. So it is possible that she sent something, and doesn't know to expect a thank-you note. But I can't for the life of me figure out how you would bring it up at this late date.

[sophiapb]

Not sure what your exact relationship is with her but I would probably say something to the effect of "I'm really hurt that you were all concerned about getting X a gift for her wedding but you never even acknowledged my wedding with a card or anything. Did I do something to make you at angry at me around the time of my wedding?" It's not the most tactful and polite thing to say but it would bother me enough where I would have to say something. But that's just me. :D

[Sami]

Oh, Sophia, how I wish I could articulate what you wrote. I WISH! Very good advice and so what was going through my mind...but to be able to say that, I'm a wimp. :)

It seems like most of you think it's not worth bringing up and/or no polite way to mention it. I'm confused...

[Sami]

I guess I am just thoroughly confused that she would ask ME for advice about someone' gift. I don't know what to do! Wouldn't this be a good ice-breaker to bring up my lacking present? I don't know what to do. :rolleyes:

[Abby'sMom]

Just to play devil's advocate for a sec... what if she DID send you something (and you didn't get it), and is asking you for advice because she's trying to get YOU to say thank you?

[IrisHope]

Just to play devil's advocate for a sec... what if she DID send you something (and you didn't get it), and is asking you for advice because she's trying to get YOU to say thank you?

lol good point!

[Sami]

No, good thought, but I really don't think she was trying to get me to say thank-you NOW. In the first few months after the wedding, I tried every trick in the book to bring up wedding presents and it didn't work. At any of those times, she could have tried a "trick" like that on me. She genuinely called from the mall in a panic and needed my advice.

We exchanged Christmas and birthday presents - we have thanked one another for those things. I just don't GET it at all.

:eek: :rolleyes: :eek:

[Myra]

I think she just forgot to get you something. One of my husband's best friends (we see him a few times a month, known him almost 10 years, did a freaking reading at our wedding) never gave us a gift, and we've been married almost two years. It's bizarre, but I really think that he didn't get around to buying us anything before the wedding, then forgot about it afterward, because, really, who thinks about other people's weddings once they're over?

[PG-rated]

Myra's got a point. I had a friend tell me point-blank (after my wedding, when we were discussing another friend's wedding) that she always waited until a couple of months after the wedding to give a gift, since she liked to help "clean out" the registry. You guessed it - never got a gift from her. I'm 100% sure she just forgot.

The only possible way I could think of to bring it up at this point would be to say something like, "You know, a couple of people told us that our gift was in the mail way back when, and then we never got anything. I wonder if I should tell them, in case it got lost in the mail. What do you think?" And then do whatever she suggests. Of course, if she says let it go, then it's probably not OK to bring up, but at least you tried. :)

[SunnyAB]

I think since the wedding day has passed, you could wait til the thankyou cards come out and mention to M that you liked the thank you card you recieved from the couple (or it was similar to yours or did she receive hers - something like that) and then say that it brings back memories of you writing your thank yous, and how you were so afraid that you might miss one, but that you were SURE you acknowledged each and every gift you received, and that if you missed anyone - you would HOPE they would mention it to you. This would give her the perfect opportunity to say.. Ummm.. I didnt get a card, and then you could tell her you didnt receive anything and so on... If she just smiles and nods - well, she stiffed ya! :p Just kidding - but you will at least know and can put it to rest. ;)

Took too long to type this out - but PG-rated has a good idea as well.

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

I had a friend who thought I didn't get her a wedding present. It was lost in the mail, and it never occurred to me to worry that I hadn't received a thank you. I didn't think about it at all until it finally (luckily) showed up at her house (a few months late) and she told me about it.

[Rose]

There is no polite way to bring it up. Let it go.

[nicole]

I would say send her a thank you card "we're so glad we could share our wedding day with you" if you're still in the TY time period. If she did send you a present, the fact that you didn't mention it in the TY is a clue to her that you didn't get it and maybe she can call and check on it. If not...

[jen]

I've been in a similar situation. I know how irritating it feels! BUT, just let it go... Some people are just clueless. Like you said, your wedding isn't about getting gifts...... chaulk this up to a good story you can use when you are having a b*tch session! ;)

[curlyjr]

I agree with the other that said to let it go, but I do have to ask..
what is up with the bbq thing? I have gone to plenty without bringing anything and so does everyone else I know. Actually DH and I just had a big anniversary bbq last weekend and almost no one brought anything, nor did we expect them to. Ok hijack over.

[Sunshine]

Why don't you suggest she buy them what she bought you.... ;)
LMAO!


like alot of the OP's, I agree that there really is no easy way to bring it up. I would be hurt, but definately drop it.

[adamseve]

As many who have replied, I was in a similar situation. To be honest, I can't think of one bride who I know that hasn't ... I was pretty hurt and tried to make every excuse in the book for her. I couldn't think of any considerate way to bring it up to her so I've left it as is ... I just have to remind myself that we all have different ways of expressing our thanks - if anything, it has made me more aware of my social etiquette. Good luck in finding peace with the situation!

curlyjr in response to your question "what is up with the bbq thing? ", I was always taught to bring a little something to a friend's home as a token of appreciation - be it a bottle of wine, flowers, dessert, a set of kitchen towels, etc.

[skyblu]

If it really bothers you, why not have a mutual friend ask her for you? An ideal person would be someone who's also going to this other friend's wedding.

She could say, "I just got OtherFriend's present. It's a Thingamajig. Do you think she'll like it? I hope she doesn't think it's any less/more/whatever than what I got Sami! What did you buy for OtherFriend? Did you worry about how it would compare to what you gave Sami? What *did* you give Sami again?"

Okay, that's really long. So it shouldn't be a monologue! :p But maybe a conversation that goes something like that.

[Sashi]

I just got married on 1/6/07. One of my friends (and her husband) never showed up which is rude in itself considering we had a rather small wedding and they were the only people to not show up after RSVP'ing. We haven't heard a thing from them but that's not what I'm writing.

We invited two of DH's friends from childhood who happen to be brothers. As far as wealth, they are the wealthiest of all our friends. The older one is married and and the younger one is not. Two years ago we had to travel to the wedding and we gave a significant gift and had to pay for hotel etc. He traveled to our wedding but stayed with his mother so really not that much of an expense. Neither brother showed up WITH ANYTHING! And we got an email two days later from the younger one saying he left his card at home and needed our address. We sent it to him that day. A week has gone by and not a thing from either one.

There is nothing I can do but I guess I'm just venting. Of all the people we invited to the wedding those two were the last two we'd expect to do something like that. Oh well, I just don't want to write a thank you note. I know it's not right but I can't bring myself to actually do it.

[Sol]

I sent all the people who didn't bring a gift/card but attended the wedding a heartfelt thank you card thanking them for being a part of our special day. I figured that if we had lost any gift in the mail or anything, the note would subtly imply so. Surprisingly enough, one of my friends brought a gift to my parents' house after I had moved out, so who knows, maybe the note did more than it was intended to. When my brother got married, he had had a mishap at the place he was registered and he didn't receive some gifts that had been purchased (until he decided to bring it up and ask his close friends, as awkward as it felt), so writing those notes gave me peace of mind.

I didn't do anything about my friend who RSVPed yes, told me she was coming when I called her a week before the wedding, and yet didn't show up and didn't contact me afterwards, though. I guess I was just too stunned.

[curlywig]

I wouldn't do a thing. On your behalf, not doing anything is the classiest way to go, IMO. If I were her, had I not received a "thank you" at some point, I'd have called to make sure you received a gift. So, if she did send one and it got lost, that's what she should have done.

With our wedding, there were 2 guests who sent gifts that were never received. When they didn't get thank you cards from us, they called to check and the mess got sorted out. Good that they called though b/c we had no reason to know anything was missing.

[MLA]

Why is this still being discussed? The thread's almost a year old. I have a feeling that the OP's figured out what she wants to do . . .

[udsweetpea]

I'm wondering what the OP ended up doing. I'm thinking the OP's friend did mail the gift and it got lost in the mail since she did say she was mailing it.

[Sami]

How funny I happened across this post - ok, the update is that she did send a gift, late last summer! With a card telling me how late the presesnt was but she just kept putting off mailing it. It was a really pretty glass bowl with 4 matching serving dishes. I like it a lot!