Babysitter question

[Jenyfer9]

DH, our two boys and I are going out of town for my BIL's wedding this summer. The boys were invited (and both BIL and FSIL asked especially for the boys to come), but there's no way that they'll be able to stay awake for the whole thing. The wedding is in early afternoon (like 2:30 I think) and the reception will follow about an hour or so after the ceremony. DH is in the wedding, but I am not. We've been burned before when going to out-of-town weddings where we were promised a babysitter, only to have the babysitter cancel at the last moment. I'll be honest, if I'm going to spend money to go to this wedding (airfare for 3 plus a hotel for 2 nights), I'd like to enjoy it, and if I have to go back to the hotel to put my boys to bed at 7pm, I won't (neither this or the last wedding had the reception at a hotel, so it's not just a walk upstairs, but rather a short drive).

ANYWAYS, after getting screwed before, I decided that I would save the bride some time and find a babysitter (she didn't think that we would want one since the boys were included in the invite). I got a referral for a babysitter, and my FSIL is going to meet her in a couple of weeks (the wedding is in July). She asked me what I'd like to know about her (the babysitter), including her hourly rate. Now, you can call me a tightwad if you want, but is it really my responsibility to pay for this babysitter? I mean, at our wedding, we provided a babysitter for our relatives that had children, and I would never think to have had my relatives pay for the sitter. If the option is either pay for the babysitter or have no babysitter, I'd much rather pay for the babysitter, no question. But I know it's not exactly the easiest subject to approach: "aren't you going to pay for the babysitter?"

Maybe this is more of a vent than anything, but... anyone have any ideas?

[lml41981]

Yes, it is your responsibility to pay for a babysitter that you take the initiative to hire.

[Kristen78]

I can't believe you would expect the bride and groom to pay for your kids babysitter? I think paying the babysitter is your responsibility.

[Sophia]

I agree that it's your responsibility to pay for the babysitter.

[alisong]

Sorry, it's your responsibility.

[Jenyfer9]

Ok, I guess I was thinking incorrectly. But Kristen78, why is it so strange that I would think that when I provided a babysitter for my wedding? I just thought that is what brides and grooms did for people coming from out of town with little kids.

[Abby'sMom]

I agree with the others. The b&g were clearly anticipating that your boys would attend the wedding and so didn't plan to hire a sitter for them. I'm sure you remember how expensive weddings can be, so you can't expect them to want to shell out an extra $40 or 50 on top of what they've already spent, right?

[lml41981]

Ok, I guess I was thinking incorrectly. But Kristen78, why is it so strange that I would think that when I provided a babysitter for my wedding?
I'm not Kristen78, but I'll take a shot at answering your question.

When you paid for a sitter for your wedding, it was your choice. You were spending your own money - not your guests' money. Had one of your guests said, "Heck no, I'm not using her sitter. I'm bringing my own sitter" would you have paid for that sitter?

It isn't cool for you to attempt to spend the bride's money by hiring a sitter for your own boys and expecting her to foot the bill. Part of being a parent is sacrificing stuff...either sacrifice your good time by taking the boys back to the hotel or sacrifice the money for a sitter. The alternative, which the bride and groom seem to be ok with, is to keep the boys at the reception.

I guess brides and grooms are damned if they do, damned if they don't. They get reamed for wanting a child-free wedding and paying for a sitter, and they get reamed for welcoming kids and not providing a sitter.

[Jenyfer9]

In the scheme of things, the $40 or $50 is a drop in the bucket, IMO. It's a much larger percentage of our total cost for this wedding. If cost were an issue for them, I'd understand. It's a much larger issue for us, but hey, if it's my responsibility, so be it.

[Sophia]

Providing a sitter for out of town guests is not something brides & grooms are expected to do for their out of town guests. It's a nice gesture, just as providing activities or gift bags is also a nice gesture. But it should never be expected.

[Jenyfer9]

When you paid for a sitter for your wedding, it was your choice. I only did that because I thought that was standard procedure. I wanted people to come to our wedding from out of town and not have to be burdeoned by having to find a babysitter on top of all the other things that one has to do to get ready for a trip with kids.

[lml41981]

In the scheme of things, the $40 or $50 is a drop in the bucket, IMO. It's a much larger percentage of our total cost for this wedding. If cost were an issue for them, I'd understand. It's a much larger issue for us, but hey, if it's my responsibility, so be it.
It doesn't matter if it is a drop in the bucket...you can't spend other people's money for them. You just can't.

[Jenyfer9]

Maybe I'll hit my MIL up to foot the bill, since they also insisted that the boys come instead of stay home with my parents. :p

[emschwar]

We provided a sitter for our guests, but we didn't pay for the sitter. We found someone responsible and good with children and told guests with children that that person would be available to babysit, but we didn't pay the sitter.

[AlisonCO]

jenyfer - Are there any other kids coming that you could share a sitter with? Or do you have a teenage family member in the town of the wedding that might like to make a little cash?

[mamax2]

Now, you can call me a tightwad if you want, but is it really my responsibility to pay for this babysitter?
Absolutely! YOU have requested a sitter, YOU should pay for a sitter. It would be entirely different if your children had not been invited to the reception or if the b&g had offered babysitting services for children of families attending the wedding. Clearly, their intent was to have your children actually ATTEND the wedding/reception.

For the record, I offered to hire a sitter (to entertain kids in the room adjacent to the reception) for families attending my wedding, but no one happened to take me up on that offer. No one asked, nor would I have expected them to, for me to pay for the other arrangements they chose to make instead.

[usafwife]

We didn't provide a babysitter for our wedding. My SIL had two of her cousins come to their house and watch their 3 kids and my other BIL/SIL's 2 kids. I let my friend (she was in the wedding) know that they had offered to let her bring her son there as well if she wanted. Another friend (was in the wedding as well) would have taken their kids there as well but his wife stayed home because of the long trip and not being able to stay but one day and having to leave.

I don't think that it's your BIL and FSIL's responsibility to pay for the babysitter even though they did request the presence of your boys at the wedding. Is there a seperate area at the reception location where you let the boys stay and go and check on them periodically? Have a relative/friend in the area that could watch them? As someone else mentioned earlier, are there other young children coming that you could possibily share a sitter with?

[Camdynlyn]

I agree with the others. I invited children to my wedding as my cousins (TONS of children) were all in my wedding. I was more than happy to have them so I was not paying for a babysitter for out-of-town guest. NOW, if I were having a 'no children allowed' wedding, I would expect the bride and groom to pay, especially if they requested the children come along so they could see them (if they hadn't in a while and we were close to them, such as family).

So, long story short, yes you should have to pay.

[Kanga]

I agree with the majority. I can see maybe if the b&g said absolutely no kids allowed, but even then it's their choice whether or not to provide a sitter. In fact, the bride is being rather gracious by meeting with potential sitters, taking time out of a stressful and busy occasion.

[dana b]

In fact, the bride is being rather gracious by meeting with potential sitters, taking time out of a stressful and busy occasion.

ita, what a nice sil.

[PookiePrincess]

I agree with the others that it's your responsibility to pay for the babysitter. It's their wedding and you are deciding not to take your kids to the wedding, even when they are invited.

Regarding this:
Maybe I'll hit my MIL up to foot the bill, since they also insisted that the boys come instead of stay home with my parents. :p

If the babysitter is such an issue, why not leave your kids at home with your parents? If you're set on an adult weekend, forget what your MIL wants and leave the kids at home. Then you won't have to pay for a babysitter you don't want to pay for or have to coerce your MIL into paying for it. Just a thought! :)

[curlywig]

Haven't read other responses, but I can see both sides here.

If kids weren't invited to the wedding, I can see it being gracious for the bride/groom to pick up the cost for babysitting. Not mandatory, but if they can spare it, I think it would be a nice gesture.

But, where kids are invited, I do feel like the responsibility is for the parents to pay.

[IrishEyes]

I think in this situation, it looks like something you have to pay.

We recently received a wedding invitation that stated that kids weren't invited and provided the name and number of a professional babysitting service. I have a feeling if we called, we'd be paying.

I think some brides are courteous about providing a room and babysitter at their cost, but most of the time the babysitter must be set up and paid for by the parents, even for an out-of-town wedding.

[alienhost]

I agree that in this situation I think you should pay the sitter. If the kids weren't invited and the B/G offered a sitter then the B/G might have paid but since you are initiating getting the sitter and all I don't think B/G should pay. Besides it would be awkward to ask them to pay don't you think? I would feel awkward but that's me.

I think "sharing" a sitter w/ others who might need one might work or if your MIL will pay for it then go for it. In the end if you have to pay $40-50 to enjoy the evening it sounds like it would be money well spent for you.

Good luck!

[BusyBee]

It was very generous of you to provide a sitter at your wedding, and I'm sure your guests appreciated it. But that is not the bride & groom's responsibility. They invited your kids to the reception and are probably not (yet) aware that kids will get tired so early. $40-$50 on top of what youhave already spend is not much either, to make sure you have a good time, too.