Are You Ever Really Ready?

[Reenie]

DH and I have agreed that we'll put off TTC until we do certain things, but the sad thing is that we both feel ready for a baby now. Logically, it makes a ton of sense to wait until we do these things, but emotionally, it stinks. :(

Did anyone else go through this?

Many of our friends are having babies now, and we are currently much readier (is that a word?) than they are; the thing is that we both really want to try for three kids, and our timeline for waiting puts me at about 29 for our first child. I get worried, especially after lurking in the FP boards here and the other site, about our fertility. Please tell me this isn't insane.

If you did wait when you were emotionally ready but not COMPLETELY to have a baby, are you glad that you did?

[mel7dog]

Don't know if I can be much help since I have never had a baby, but DH and I just decided this weekend to stop "waiting" and just go with the flow. For years I had thought like you all, wanting to pay off all our debt, save $ etc. But we decided we don't want to plan our whole life because that is no fun.

I don't think you are crazy at all! I think it is hard to tell if you are "ready". I personally don't think anyone can ever be completely ready because something else may always come up.

I am interested to see what other's say, hope things work out for you with whatever you decide!

[southerner]

I am right there with y'all. For me, it's a matter of wanting to be more financially secure so that we MIGHT have the option of me being a SAHM.

Another thing that has made me "not ready" is I'm just not ready to sacrifice all the free time (and privacy) DH and I get together. I hear that our relationship will change with the addition, but I feel like we'll never get to travel or go out on dates together (we have no family here), etc. I always feel guilty and selfish for having these thoughts. We're 30 and I don't want to be too much older, but it's just such a big life change, you know.

One more thing for me is being pregnant. I have a lot of friends who have had a lot of problems during pregnany. So, between the risks of having problems during pregnancy and my body never being the same afterward, I'm just so nervous.

Can't wait to hear what other people have to say on this topics, you took the words right out of my mouth with this thread title!!

[karlatta]

My DH and I are trying, and have been for two years, and I think that some people would probably look at our life and think that we're not "ready" to have a baby yet. My DH works full time and goes to law school at night, so he's rarely home. We are also spending a ton of money on his tuition. It's probably not the ideal situation to be bringing a child into the world, if you look at it logically.

However, DH and I strongly feel that now is the time that we are supposed to be trying to have a baby. It is purely an emotional thing for us. We know it doesn't necessarily make sense, but it's what we need to do and what is right for us and our relationship.

Because we started trying even when it didn't necessarily make sense, I'm not sure that I can completely help, but I hope that it does help to know that there are people out there who do try, even when it's not ideal, and it can work for them.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I think that there are just better times than others to TTC. I wanted to be married at least a year just to enjoy being a wife before I added the title of mother. We wanted to be homeowners and, living in the Silicon Valley area of California, makes that very difficult. Housing prices here are extremely high. We bought our house last year so we checked that off the list. We have no debt other than my car and the house payment. We were/are financially responsible enough so that, whenever we do have a baby, I will be a SAHM. I am working now and, other than paying for our vacation, most of my paycheck is going into our savings to be used in case of emergencies.

However, the flip side of that is that we have been TTC for over a year and I was diagnosed with PCOS several months ago. Had I known about my condition beforehand, we would have probably started trying earlier rather than later...

My brother and SIL are also TTC and I worry because they are in debt up to their eyeballs. They have a TINY two bedroom duplex that barely hold them and her 16 year old daughter. Trying to fit in a baby and especially baby EXPENSES is going to be extremely difficult on them, I am sure and I am so glad to not be in their financial situation.

[LRL]

We were right where you guys are a couple of months ago, so I totally understand. DH and I got married because after dating for 9 years we knew that there would never be the "right time" to come along. There was always going to be something…. from financial issues to family issues. This is the same reasoning we used when it came to starting a family. We try to realize that while we can make plans for the future, and say that we want to take various vacations, make more money, save more money- it all comes down to the same issue. Will DH and I ever really be able to do this regardless of how many well intentioned plans we may have? We married each other to be each others family and to be each others future. I have seen way too many people live in the future instead of living in the present. For us, there is never going to be a right time to jump into anything, but it was an important step for us to realize that together we can accomplish and realize anything we want to do, and that regardless of how it turns out, we would be doing this together.

This might not be how most people make decisions, but we value things like health and stability- which plays a big part in how we choose to live our lives. Now that we are expecting, I know that things might not be perfect- I might have to work part time, and we might not get a house by the time the baby gets here, BUT we will have been entirely ready in our relationship to provide for another human being. Who knows- You might make the most thorough plans, and things might still not turn out the way you planned them. That's what made us decide to jump right in!

Sorry for the long reply. I hope this helps someone! :)

[jaredsgirl]

Well I have a little different situation. We were planning on having everything financially secure and all our projects done in a year to a year and a half from now (which was a stretch but we were hoping). Well surprise surprise, we got a BFP in April (not trying at all). We weren't ready but to tell you the truth, I'm happy that it ended up that way. We didn't get all the married time without children that we wanted, but oh well, I get to know DH in a different way now. The biggest reason I"m happy that we had this surprise, I think there would always be a reason to put it off, financial reason, projects, monster children, etc. I think, personally, most people will never be ready on that front. And right now we are making ourselves as financially ready as possible and getting as many projects done as we can before Dec.

So I guess the moral of the story, if you are ready for a baby now, my advice would be to go for it, why put yourself through the torture of waiting if emotionally you and DH want one. You will never be as ready as you want to be, and once you are in the situation, you find ways to make everything work out. That is just my opinion but it is what worked for me!

[jaredsgirl]

LRL How funny, we must have cross posted and you were saying about the same thing I was, that is just how I feel! :)

[UTChick]

DH has wanted to have a baby since we got married, but I was the one who was hesitant. I wanted to have certain things in place before even TTC. We were going to wait until next summer because at that point we will have paid off all debt except for house and cars and I will have finished or be finishing my thesis. But...we are TTC now. I think I relaxed about it because I know that if I get pg now, by the time the baby is born debt will be gone and I will be pretty close to finishing grad school. Granted, I might have to write my thesis with a newborn and that won't be easy, but my parents live close and my mom works out of the house, so I will have extra help.

Waiting another year would have guaranteed me being a SAHM, and as it is right now, I may have to work part-time depending on circumstances when the baby comes. But that is ok with me. The big deciding factor for us was that DH is 34 and he wants to be a "young dad." I have already made him wait for 2 years and seeing his excitement is validation enough for the decision we made. Plus, I have really gotten into the idea of a baby - so much more than I thought I would!

[adoredh]

It took a while for DH to feel ready. Part of that was coming from a divorced family (parents got married because they were PG with him, his mom was 8 months along at her wedding) So he wanted to make sure that we had a very solid relationship before we brought children into our lives. I agreed with him, but after being married for over 3 years, I started to get the baby bug, and felt that our marriage was very strong. DH came on board, and we'll have had a little over 4 years of just the two of us, before our son is born.

I guess the moral of my story is, that sometimes, it's OK to wait, that there might be more reason's then just money to wait. DH is still concerned that adding a child will strain our marriage. I know that it will put stress on us, but we do have a strong relationship, and the positives far out weigh the stress that we'll have.

[ktdelsur]

If you did wait when you were emotionally ready but not COMPLETELY to have a baby, are you glad that you did?

Well, I had been off the Pill for awhile but we were definitely NOT trying to get pregnant...but we would be okay with an "oops." Good thing, because our "oops" is due on December 6!

We always talked about kids - after DH is done with grad school was our plan, but he'll have 8 more months after the baby is here for school. Not ideal financially, but everything has really fallen into place and I think it will all work out. I always knew it would have to happen this way for us (by surprise/shock/accident) because otherwise I'm not sure we ever would have been totally ready. Once it's real, you find yourself scrambling to get "ready" as fast as you can. :p

[Twylla]

We're not TTC just yet, but we'll start the DAY after I run a marathon, lol. I wanted to start a bit earlier, but DH wasn't quite ready emotionally. He's pretty much there now though.

We also think there's no perfect time to have a baby, and we also know that it's not 100% up to us, so while we're waiting a few more months, we don't want to wait long. It's a really tough decision to make, and IMO the most improtant place to be ready, is in the emotional department. It sounds like you're close.

Good luck!

[MrsSmith]

I know this is long, but I thought is was so perfect for this thread.

Being A Mom
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions
that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous
vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her! That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's
desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will
become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself
constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never
feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of
less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to
save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her
own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn
to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching
the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed
my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the
mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

[isign]

We are going through the same thing. We've been TTC but hit a snag. We know it's going to take more $$ than we have to dedicate to all of the treatments so we've decided to hit our other goals. We just bought a car, and in a few months we are going for a house. When we have that under control we are going to actively TTC again. Will we be financially ready - never 100% but we feel that is the best for us.

[southerner]

Mrs. Smith, that was very moving, thanks for sharing. I can't imagine feeling/thinking/being all those things that mother posted about, but I'm sure all the mothers (or moms to be) can totally relate.

[Reenie]

I agree, MrsSmith, that IS moving. Thanks to all of you ladies for your honest responses. :)

[Can't_Wait]

I've had the baby bug for our whole marriage... all 2 years of it!

We are finally going to TTC next month!! Our reason for waiting has been purely financial- we wanted to be in a certain place by the time we have a child so that I can quit working. I wouldn't have TTC'd any earlier than that b/c I know it would be devastating for me to have to leave my child when I had to go back to work.

[Marie]

Aw, *sniff* that was really nice Mrs Smith, thanks for sharing.

After being married 2 years we are finally going to start TTC in September. We needed time to be together as a couple, get settled (we moved from one state to another), get another house and be in a finacial place where I could stay home.

It is scary and exciting at the same time. I don't think you can ever be 100% ready but you can be pretty close. I think there's a difference between wondering how you'll deal with the changes and not knowing if you can or want to deal with them. Does that make sense?

[laurenc]

Reenie, my husband and I have been talking about this very question for awhile! It's kind of reassuring to hear someone else ask the same thing.

We're putting off TTC until late 2006/early 2007 because of my graduate school track. But if I could do whatever I wanted -- aside from having unlimited power and money ;) -- I would be TTC right now. On a purely emotional level, I want a baby, and I want it now! But when I think about it, I don't really know if I'm simply telling myself I'm ready because I want something, or if I'm really truly ready. How does one know when one is ready? When one has a certain amount of money in the bank??? When one has a certain sized house??? When one has a certain level of job security??? BUt what about all the people who had kids without those things??? Ack. It drives me crazy sometimes.

I know that if I were to have a baby before finishing grad school, it would take me a million years to finish up. I'm so easily distracted as it is (hence my participation on these boards ;) ) that the last thing I need is a baby. And I also know that if I were to have a baby now, we would be on a skin-and-bones budget -- which we'd both like to avoid. But then I think about people who were in college (or even grad school) when they had their first child and managed to get their degrees done... and I think about people who were just about broke when they had their first child and managed to survive somehow... and suddenly I feel really... I guess embarrassed is the best word for it... I feel like, why do I need all these things to be "just so"? Why can't I just see what happens, learn to roll with the punches, because life will always have challenges...

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's definitely what all goes on in my mind when I'm thinking about "readiness." And maybe that, in and of itself, is what makes me not ready right now... or maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel a little bit better about waiting?

arrrgh. :confused:

[kmmommy]

When we got married DH and I said we would wait 4-5 years to have kids. Four months after the wedding I found out I was pregnant. We didn't think we were ready until we found out DS was on his way.

Looking back I realize that we were ready, but that we were overanalyzing how our lives would be with a child. Don't get me wrong - the difference is huge, but much more wonderful than expected.

IMO, no matter how much you prepare for having a child you will feel scared, nervous and excited when you find out you're pg.

[MrsSmith]

Reenie, my husband and I have been talking about this very question for awhile! It's kind of reassuring to hear someone else ask the same thing.

We're putting off TTC until late 2006/early 2007 because of my graduate school track. But if I could do whatever I wanted -- aside from having unlimited power and money ;) -- I would be TTC right now. On a purely emotional level, I want a baby, and I want it now! But when I think about it, I don't really know if I'm simply telling myself I'm ready because I want something, or if I'm really truly ready. How does one know when one is ready? When one has a certain amount of money in the bank??? When one has a certain sized house??? When one has a certain level of job security??? BUt what about all the people who had kids without those things??? Ack. It drives me crazy sometimes.

I know that if I were to have a baby before finishing grad school, it would take me a million years to finish up. I'm so easily distracted as it is (hence my participation on these boards ;) ) that the last thing I need is a baby. And I also know that if I were to have a baby now, we would be on a skin-and-bones budget -- which we'd both like to avoid. But then I think about people who were in college (or even grad school) when they had their first child and managed to get their degrees done... and I think about people who were just about broke when they had their first child and managed to survive somehow... and suddenly I feel really... I guess embarrassed is the best word for it... I feel like, why do I need all these things to be "just so"? Why can't I just see what happens, learn to roll with the punches, because life will always have challenges...

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's definitely what all goes on in my mind when I'm thinking about "readiness." And maybe that, in and of itself, is what makes me not ready right now... or maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel a little bit better about waiting?

arrrgh. :confused:

I am in the EXACT same dilemma right now. I am considering going for my Ph.D. If I do that, hubby would prefer that we TTC later so that we can be comfy money wise. I also think I'd do better if I were just a student and could concentrate fully on school. However, I am SOOO ready for a child. It's not just seeing other people with babies. It's truly a feeling that I am at that point in my life when I am ready to become a parent. There are girls in high school who go on to be just fine after they have babies. They finish college and everything. I'm sure there were struggles, but if they can make it, I know I can. I'm just trying to convince hubby of the same thing as far as grad school and a newborn.

[e&d]

Oh wow. Thanks for posting that story, MrsSmith. It's sad now that I'm pg how easily I am reduced to tears!

I could never have imagined before becoming pregnant that I would feel that way, but I already do and I have 22 more weeks until I even meet the baby! My perspective has already shifted dramatically. I'm not even really an emotional person and I find myself breaking into tears over stories about other people's kids. Maybe it's the hormones?? ;)

I think knowing when to ttc is different for everyone, and it's hard to know when you're really ready. I think of it as being similar to the evolution you go through as you prepare to get married. Some days you wonder if you're nuts, but ultimately, you know when you're truly ready because in your heart you can't imagine it any other way and you know you've prepared yourself and your life for this major change so that it has the greatest chance of success.

I hope that's not too abstract! Good luck to everyone -- I really went back and forth in my readiness and in my thinking about ttc -- it's such a big decision.

[Vishenka69]

DH and I have been on the fence about this issue for years. Most of our friends are either TTC'ing, expecting or already have at least one child. Their lives have changed so dramatically, that's scaring us a bit. We're not sure if we're ready for such drastic changes. For now we have decided to put off the discussion until he's done with residency. I barely see him as it is and really don't want to add any more strain to his current high stress level. Waiting another 2 years will put me at 29 for TTC, which I think is pretty reasonable and still fairly early. I've collected a number of opinions from various medical professionals (majority of our friends are in medicine) and they all assured me that granted I don't have any medical issues (which I don't think I do), 30 is a perfectly safe age to start having kids.

[Kelly's Girl]

I think Kaedan's Mommy read my brain:

Looking back I realize that we were ready, but that we were overanalyzing how our lives would be with a child.

Mind you, I don't have a baby yet, but I will in a few months! We waffled a long time about when/if to have kids, and then DH felt ready MUCH sooner than I did. When we decided to go off the pill and see what happened, I was *so* nervous. Of course, I didn't know then I was anovulatory and it would take us 18 months to get pg! Now that I'm 31 and having my first, and am so thrilled by the prospect, I sometimes worry we waited too long.

Are we debt-free? Certainly not. Worry-free? No, and now adding a new "worry"! Happy in our lives and secure in our marriage? Yep, you bet! Enough to take a stab at membership in this new and wonderful club of parenthood!

[MrsSmith]

e&d - You really brought things into perspective when you related TTC to planning to get married. No one thought that we should get married when we first announced it. We were young and hadn't been back together for long. But we knew that we were determined to make it work. We accepted that it would be rough at times, but that it would get better and that we'd rather have the rough times together than apart. It's worked out much better than I ever could have anticipated. So, if I look at TTC the same way, I shouldn't worry too much either.

[j2478]

Like everyone else, I am in the same boat. Back when DH & I were engaged and first married, everyone would ask when we were going to have kids. We both always said 5 years. Since we were married in 2001, I always thought our first child would be born sometime around 2006. I guess I thought there would just be one day where we magically would look into each others eyes and both say "lets have a baby" and we would try and when it happened it happened and we would all live happily ever after.
Dreamland is nice I guess - but back to reality.
I feel ready emotionally, financially we're OK (don't think there will ever be a 100% ready on that one), we have a strong marriage & great families. I realize there will never be that perfect time - just wish we could settle on an OK time.
I go back and forth all the time, some days I feel ready - some days not. I guess it's just nice to know I'm not the only one out who struggles with this decision.

[cocoa_femme]

DH and I are in the same situaiton. We're emotionally and mentally ready for a baby, but we're concerned about the financial ramifications of it. But, I think someone mentioned...even if we were to get pregnant right now, by the time the baby was born, most of our debt would be paid off.

It is so nice to know we're not the only ones in this situation.

[KKay]

DH and I knew we wanted to TTC soon after getting married. I got nervous about it once the reality hit though. Should we get a bigger home? Do we need more 'us' time? Should we travel more first? All the typical things most people probably worry about.

However, I really overanalyzed it! Our DD is the best thing that has happened to me. :D **Sappy Alert** I think she's made me a better person & it brings another dimension to my marriage. I was worried that DH & I wouldn't have time for one another. Actually - we have plenty of time and I love him even more for being such a great daddy to our DD.

[mel7dog]

I think of it as being similar to the evolution you go through as you prepare to get married. Some days you wonder if you're nuts, but ultimately, you know when you're truly ready because in your heart you can't imagine it any other way and you know you've prepared yourself and your life for this major change so that it has the greatest chance of success.

This is a great way to put it e&d!