"No Gifts" request for baby's 1st bday

[KaliLily]

I was invited to a birthday party for my neighbor's son's first birthday. In the invitation, she wrote "No gifts please. Your presence is my present."

I've been struggling with this since I received the invitation. I want to respect the mother's wishes, but am also concerned I'll be the only one who does and look like a jerk.

The party is this afternoon. I'm going out in an hour to run some errands and was thinking of picking up a small gift to have handy just in case. I live next door so I can watch and see if the other guests bring a gift. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice from all you parents? Gift or no gift? I did buy a 1st birthday card for him.

[thedoorchick]

Well, I'm not a parent, but it drives me insane when people ignore "no gifts" requests. They're made for a reason, after all, and to go against it just makes people feel bad.

[marchfamily]

If the invitation specified "no gifts", I would not bring one. Some parents are already overrun with toys and clothes and feel guilt taking more gifts from their family/friends.

[Rico'sAlice]

Or you could Not bring a "baby gift" b/c maybe they really don't want more toys, clothes, books, etc. but bring more of a dinner party present.
Sort of something for the parents. A bottle of wine, fresh flowers, etc. Something simple, and a nice token, but not a wrapped birthday present.

[Asha]

if it says no gifts, don't bring a gift. i would rather make the hostess happy than worry about what the other guests think.

[alootikki]

Yes, maybe just bring a bottle of wine or some cookies for the hosts?

[IrisHope]

We made a no gifts party and I received a few gifts. I appreciated the gifts but it was not neccesary.

[SiValleySteph]

I like the idea of something consumable. I would guess the reason they put "no gifts" is probably because they have too much stuff. (Don't we all?)

I'm sure they would appreciate some cookies or wine or whatever and then you wouldn't feel strange about coming empty handed and they won't feel strange about some people bring gifts, some people not.

[Rico'sAlice]

Just as a side note, I know a birthday party invite is not the same as a formal wedding invitation, but it's still not even proper to make the "no gifts" request in the first place. A gift should never be required nor does anyway have the right to stop you from giving one. Obviously people do make these requests and I personally tend to honor them just because it's easier, but you would not be "in the wrong" to show up with a present. I understand why you wouldn't b/c you don't want to make other guests feel uncomfortable, but technically, the mother is the one in the wrong for making the request in the first place.

[Asha]

i don't think there is anything wrong about asking for "no gifts." i know it is against ettiquette, but really what's the point in wasting natural resources or money on something that is not needed or wanted. also, i think it is easier on the guests. some people don't have a lot of money and may turn down specific invites bc they feel like they don't have the money to bring an appropriate gift.

[mamax2]

I'm thinking about making a no gifts request for my DD's 3rd birthday (if we do a friends party - I know family will still want to give her gifts). I would certainly respect the host's wishes in this case. If you want to do something nice for the family to thank them for their hospitality at the party, a bottle of wine, flowers, etc. are definitely appropriate, as would be an offer to babysit so the parents can have some time off to recover from the birthday party mayhem!

[IrisHope]

We did it because we had Hanukkah, her birthday and then her baby naming. I felt funny making yet another party for her and having people bring their obligatory gift.

[KaliLily]

Wow! Thanks for all of the replies. You've made me feel better about respecting the mother's wishes.

[Txfish]

I second the idea of bringing a "hostess gift" instead, or -- this would depend on how close you are to the person, I guess, but I would definitely consider giving a small cash gift towards college fund, or a savings bond, etc.

I'm usually not comfortable with cash gifts, but I've never had a moment's doubt about giving cash in a card with "toward X's college" noted.

Other than that, though I have no problem complying with "No gifts" requests.

[IrisHope]

I think the hostess gift is a wonderful idea! You can't go wrong!

[Littlelamb11]

when we get a "no gifts" invitation, I always assume it's because they are overflowing with toys already. so, we just put cash, check or savings bond in the birthday card for the ol' college fund. :)

[cynder]

While I understand the proper ettiqutte might be to not put, "Please No Gifts", I put no gifts on our baptism invite. First everyone invited was invited to my shower and already were generous with gifts for my child. I did not want to them to regift. Second, this child has everything and more than he could possible need and even want. Third, I did not want to write thank you notes that each present deserved. Call me lazy.

What happened? Everyone ignored our request, brought presents (several outfits and toys he already had, needed to be returned), I had to fly with all of them back to our house, and I had to write thank you cards for 50 people. And then a few people who felt bad for not bringing presents brought presents to my parents house a few days later. That's the worst b/c I truly did not want them to feel bad.

Now when I see that, I abide by it because I know it was probably put there for some intent.

This is OT, but here's an interesting article (http://www.slate.com/id/2135287/) on bday presents. I like the idea of a book swap.

[philnikki]

littlelamb -that is a great idea!!!

I also like the idea of food or something for hostess. Just personally, we would also like to go "no gifts" for DD's first birthday. A townhouse is only so big people :p!!

Maybe its "wrong" of me to ask for that, but if I don't, I have to limit the guests at her party because the reality of the situation is that there just is not enough room for all of that stuff!

And FWIW, when DD is older, I will not do that. I think when they are old enough to expect that birthdays are about gifts and celebration, I won't try to hinder them. Just for now, its too much!

[Asha]

And FWIW, when DD is older, I will not do that. I think when they are old enough to expect that birthdays are about gifts and celebration, I won't try to hinder them.

you are so right! that would be cruel to do that to a child that realized what b'day parties were about.

[Kanga]

I wouldn't bring a gift. I definately agree with the hostess gift. You won't have to go empty handed, and I wouldn't think you would offend anyone that didn't bring a gift. Just because it's against ettiquette doesn't mean you should disregard the hostess.

[PaulsGirl]

I'd take a bouquet of flowers.

[sophiapb]

I'm considering doing this for DD 1st birthday for several of the reasons mentioned. These include the fact that DD has loads of everything plus people were so generous at her shower and when she was born that I don't want guests to think " :rolleyes: Great, yet ANOTHER gift I have to buy for this kid?". Not that people will really say or think that but you know what I mean. ;)
I went to a 1st birthday party last year and was SHOCKED by the amount of clothes and toys the child got. His play room looks like a toy store to begin with and he got more. Honestly, I was sort of nauseated by it all. There are babies dying in third world countries because there isn't clean water to drink and here we are wasting money on toys that have no meaning to this child. I now give donations in the child's name to UNICEF (http://www.unicefusa.org/site/pp.asp?c=duLRI8O0H&b=25933) or ChildHelpUSA (http://www.childhelpusa.com/). Both are children's organization. I would think that if the invitation says "No Gifts", a donation to a cause that could use it would be appreciated and would also be honoring the request.

[cc8]

We included a polite "no gifts please" request when we celebrated DD's baby dedication a few months ago. Honestly, I was ANNOYED when some folks brought gifts anyway because:


dd already has waaay too much stuff
it was extra work for me to return the unwanted gifts
it was extra work for me to write thank you notes
some friends felt bad for not bringing a gift

[Renrel]

I will just tell you my experience.

I went to a 1st birthday party for a child in my playgroup and the request was made for no gifts. I honored the request. On my invites to my sons party a month or two later I wrote something about gifts not being expected I think. I forget exactly. This mom did bring a small gift. I have felt like a jerk ever since than for not getting her son a small gift. At her party a few others brought small gifts, like a book. Many people did bring gifts to mine. I just did not open gifts at the party to try not to make others feel bad. Most of the gift were from my old friends rather than from my new mommy friends.

[HGMorgann]

I put "no gifts needed, just come enjoy lunch and cake!" on our invites. My daughter already has too much. i know that some of our friends are bringing gifts though. I guess next year I won't put anything. I am not bothered that they are bringing gifts, I just wanted them to feel like they could come just to enjoy her birthday.

[KaliLily]

I just got back from the party, and stuck with my decision to just bring a card for the baby. A few people did bring gifts, and presents were opened partway through including his present from his parents. I gathered around with everyone and ended up in conversation with my other nextdoor neighbor.

Maybe it was because I was only half paying attention, or because I felt good about my decision, but I didn't feel awkward at all.

Thanks everyone!

[Asha]

A few people did bring gifts, and presents were opened partway through including his present from his parents.

i am glad this did not bother you, but i think it is rude. why open presents at a party when you say "no gifts?"

[KaliLily]

i am glad this did not bother you, but i think it is rude. why open presents at a party when you say "no gifts?"

Good point.

On reflection, though, I probably should have paid more attention when the gifts were being opened, but before they started I had gotten into a really good conversation with my other neighbor. His wife passed away just before Christmas so whenever I see him I try to take some time to chat. I just hope I didn't offend the parents, but in the year I've known them they both seem really laid back.

[dana b]

i am glad this did not bother you, but i think it is rude. why open presents at a party when you say "no gifts?"

yeah, i think that's pretty rude, too. i would've felt really uncomfortable, esp if i showed up completely empty-handed.

[SiValleySteph]

I went to a 1st birthday party last year and was SHOCKED by the amount of clothes and toys the child got. His play room looks like a toy store to begin with and he got more. Honestly, I was sort of nauseated by it all.

I've had this experience, too. I decided to give books to kids from now on and no toys. I feel like books have lasting use and they can also be recycled (paperbacks fully, hardbacks, the pages).

[Southlooper]

I went to a 1st birthday party last year and was SHOCKED by the amount of clothes and toys the child got. His play room looks like a toy store to begin with and he got more. Honestly, I was sort of nauseated by it all.

My nephew recently had his 1st birthday and I felt the same way. My brother and sister-in-law have to build a new wing in their house just to accomodate the toys.

DH and I always give education money or books to our nieces and nephews. Some people may find it impersonal, but I think helping in ensuring a child's education is far more valuble than giving them 1 of the many "in" toys.

[deliciousjones]

We had 40+ people at my daughter's first birthday party and only two brought gifts after our "no gifts please" invitation. One of those people was her grandma, and she's exempt. :)

[ButterflyJen]

We put "no gifts required" on our DD's 1st birthday invites, and I think all but one person/couple showed up with gifts anyways. :rolleyes: We just said thank you and opened everything after the party, so feelings weren't hurt.

That said, I wouldn't ignore a "no gifts" request* and I'm glad you didn't. I do also think it was rather rude of them to open gifts in front of everyone, when not everyone brought a gift.


*If I were to bring something, it would be something consumable, such as cash towards college, diapers, or something yummy for the parents.

[Asha]

I've had this experience, too. I decided to give books to kids from now on and no toys.

i always do this. every christmas i give each niece a book in addition to one toy. they always are reading the books before they start playing with the toys.

[usafwife]

when we get a "no gifts" invitation, I always assume it's because they are overflowing with toys already. so, we just put cash, check or savings bond in the birthday card for the ol' college fund. :)
What a wonderful idea.

[usafwife]

Most of the parties I have been to that said "no gifts please" were anniversary parties (i.e. 50th). Both of my grandparents invitations said this. Their children went together and got them stuff but they didn't want a lot of items sitting around. One of them did a money tree if my memory serves me correctly (I was wasn't too old when they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary). The last anniversary party I was at was my aunt and uncle's last year. Their invites also requested no gifts. My mom considered getting them something because we are really close to them but she couldn't find what she was looking for so ended up not getting anything.

I wouldn't necessarily feel guilty about not bringing a present when it was requested that none be brought. I know that a lot of kids already have tons of toys, clothes, etc. For our nieces/nephew birthdays we usually go with getting them money.

[BTB]

I too feel that "no gifts" on an invitation is impolite, though I know it comes from good intentions. Many kids do have far too many clothes, toys, and books already. If it's a child I'm close to, I try to give a meaningful present: a tree that can be planted in the yard, a savings bond, a donation to a charity. What's weird to me about this situation is the wording:

In the invitation, she wrote "No gifts please. Your presence is my present."

Your presence is MY present? I know first birthdays are more for the parents than the kid (at least at the time, I think the photos are important later) but that's taking it to the extreme! :D

[Kiley]

*bump

I'm thinking of doing this for DS's first bday....should I not put it on the invite and get bombarded with unnecessary gifts? Should we just verbally say "no gifts" as we speak with most of our guests regularly? What to do, what to do? :confused:

[alisong]

Kiley - he's my "no gifts please" opinion: if you put it on the invite, half the guests will bring a gift anyway (either because they can't read or because they always bring a gift to a birthday party), and the half that don't bring a gift will feel bad. I think it just creates confusion. If you get too much stuff, donate it.

[Kiley]

Kiley - he's my "no gifts please" opinion: if you put it on the invite, half the guests will bring a gift anyway (either because they can't read or because they always bring a gift to a birthday party), and the half that don't bring a gift will feel bad. I think it just creates confusion. If you get too much stuff, donate it.

I was thinking of donating it too...thanks for the reply!

[jennylou]

If you're going to donate items, why not find out what's needed (at wherever you're going to donate - ie, salvation army, woman's shelter, etc), then you can put in the invite that you're donating, to where, and what they need.

[Kiley]

If you're going to donate items, why not find out what's needed (at wherever you're going to donate - ie, salvation army, woman's shelter, etc), then you can put in the invite that you're donating, to where, and what they need.

While the intent there is good, I think my guests would be offended if we announced that we were donating any gifts that DS would potentially get before he gets them, KWIM?

Maybe we'll just keep out mouths shut and see what happens. If the gifts are mostly $$, it will go in his college fund and a few new toys wouldn't be bad. Any extras can be donated or saved for "Toys for Tots" for Christmas.

[Sandie78]

Hmm, telling people in the invitation that you are going to donate their gifts almost seems as bad as telling people not to bring gifts at all.

Personally I don't have a problem with the "no gifts" request. And if someone requested that, I would not bring a gift and I would not be embarrassed. But, that's just me.

ETA: I see I crossposted with Kiley.

[Franni]

The "no gifts" text on the invitation is kind of rude to me.

I would donate it. There are many children's charities that are always on the lookout for new clothing and toys.

[Natrat80]

We did a "no gifts please" note on DD's first birthday invitation. I think everyone except for one couple (DH's and my best friends) brought something. I'm taking back all the clothes DD got because she has way too many! I put some of the toys in her closet and we'll get one out each month on a rainy day.

I'm sorry if it's not PC to say "no gifts please" but I kind of think it is ridiculous to buy more toys for a child when the child's mom has recently said "we have too many toys". That just doesn't make sense to me. :rolleyes: Any kid birthday party that we go to we make up a certificate for an outing like a trip to the zoo. Less wasted toys and I think it will teach DD to help think of a creative gift instead of a last minute run to find something at Target. Also in my mind it puts the emphasis on the friendship and building that friendship instead of on material things.

Oh, and I have to tell the truth that sometimes we do give books for birthdays too. But if the invitation says no gifts, then I do not bring a gift.

[SiValleySteph]

I'm sorry if it's not PC to say "no gifts please" but I kind of think it is ridiculous to buy more toys for a child when the child's mom has recently said "we have too many toys". That just doesn't make sense to me. :rolleyes: Any kid birthday party that we go to we make up a certificate for an outing like a trip to the zoo. Less wasted toys and I think it will teach DD to help think of a creative gift instead of a last minute run to find something at Target. Also in my mind it puts the emphasis on the friendship and building that friendship instead of on material things.


I totally agree. I love your idea about outings! I think I will be giving zoo tickets or the like for the next birthdays we are invited to.

[Traciann]

my best friend recently put "your presence is our present" on her 2 year old's birthday party invitation. which didn't fly with me because she had recently brought a gift to my dds party...plus she is my friend an i wanted to buy a gift. so i asked her what she really needed, heck i would buy diapers if that is what she really wanted, and she said she needed clothes, so thats what i bought. EVERYONE invited brought gifts anyway.

i personally could not tell my family/friends no gifts...even though i am super picky about what toys dd has. i lucked out because she received a good amount of clothes and not tons of toys. the toys that she did get that i did not like, i returned for something i would use for dd.

[Mrs.Chappy]

WE got the no gifts announcement on the birthday invite for a 1st b-day..the mom is expecting again..of course i am buying a gift...but something that both children can use for years to come. i just can't walk in empty handed! That's just my nature.

[jbemommy]

I guess I don't understand why it's rude to ask for no gifts? It's certainly considered rude to put your registry or "cash only please" on wedding invites, so why would the opposite be true? We had a very small party for DD's 2nd birthday, and I didn't even do invites, just asked people in person, and I asked them not to bring gifts. She didn't need anything, and honestly is too young at 2 to know you get presents for your birthday (she does know that now, of course, since she got gifts from us and her grandparents).

[sophiapb]

Okay, this is what we ended up writing on the back of DD birthday invites:

We have been so lucky over the past year to have so many friends and family members be very generous to us. DD is a strong healthy child who wants for nothing material but so many other children are not so lucky. As such, we respectfully request that in lieu of gifts, donations be made to your favorite childrens charity. If you don’t have a favorite childrens charity, here are some that we support:

www.childhelpusa.com
www.unicefusa.org
www.marchofdimes.com

Out of the fifty people that came, all but six people gave some sort of gift although many of them did combine them with charitable donations. One of the main reasons why we did the "in lieu of gifts" thing was that I was pregnant with twins and our son was stillborn. This birthday was a celebration of our daughter's birth but also a one year anniversary of the death of our son. We were hoping that instead of a lot of toys and clothes that WE DON"T WANT OR NEED, a donation to a children's charity would give some meaning to the loss of our son. What I got instead was a lot of "I know you don't really mean it so what I can get?" or "Well, I got the gift months ago but you'll probably just donate it to charity anyway" (this one from a family member) :rolleyes:
Based on this experience, I will always respect a "No gifts please" request and will donate to charity in that person's name.
For the record, when someone did come in with a gift, I took it to an upstairs room and did not show it or open it in front of anyone. I'm very surprised that someone was opening gifts at a party after a "No gifts" request. Very rude, IMO.
For the record #2, if someone writes "No gifts are necessary" I read that as ".....although are very nice to have so please bring one". Sorry I don't mean to insult anyone but I have a friend that always put that on her invites than verbally follows up with "...unless you absolutely must" which of course means, she wants the gifts. :rolleyes:

[dana b]

no gifts i don't think it's necessarily rude to put it on an invite. my personal taste is that there should be no mention of what a guest should do regarding gifts on an invite that isn't for a shower being thrown by someone other than the guest of honor. my feeling with the "no gifts" note is that it puts the guest in an awkward position, wondering for weeks before the party if they should bring a gift or not, b/c a lot of people feel weird showing up to a party empty-handed. if they do respect your wishes of not bringing a gift, then they feel *really* awkward when other people do bring something. i just think it would be easier on the guests to accept their gift and donate it yourself. the only guests i think would appreciate and follow the "no gifts" rule is other moms, esp since this is the new trend.

[jennylou]

While the intent there is good, I think my guests would be offended if we announced that we were donating any gifts that DS would potentially get before he gets them, KWIM?

Maybe we'll just keep out mouths shut and see what happens. If the gifts are mostly $$, it will go in his college fund and a few new toys wouldn't be bad. Any extras can be donated or saved for "Toys for Tots" for Christmas.

Well, I guess I just know our family and how they'd be asking - so, where's the whatchamacallit that I got so and so? Is it better to tell them at that point?

[jesseybell]

I have been invited to all of my BFF's kids birthdays - from their 2nd birthdays on she's asked me not to bring a gift - between her family members and the kids' friends, they get more than enough gifts. For her 2nd daughter's 1st birthday she asked me that if I was going to bring a gift to please buy clothes, not toys, because she had way too many of them. I wasn't offended at all - I knew that either the toys would sit on a shelf or get donated.