Would you tell your friend your real opinion?

[onomatopoeia]

I'm worried. I just emailed my best friend in the whole world and told her that I don't think she should take her boyfriend back into her life.
I need encouragement that I did the right thing here.
Here's the back story.

8 months ago my friend started to date R. He seemed really nice. He works construction and lived with his dad. He has no college education and he was once in a rehab a few years ago, but my friend said he had turned his life around.

I met R and he seemed great. My friend has had a string of losers over the last couple of years. And when I say losers, I mean, the kind who were verbally abusive and mean. She is beautiful, but has low self esteem and for some reason picks guys that are jerks.

So, then a couple of months ago my friend tells me that R is going to move in.. and I advised against it b/c she always moves in w/ her boyfriends too soon. They started to have problems. He moved into her place, but wouldn't pay her rent. He finally started to give her $ for groceries once in awhile. I told her she needed to stand up for herself - he makes MORE than her but wasn't even trying to help her. Well, I guess they started having more and more fights which lead to this huge fight where he ended up moving out BUT not before he pushed her, broke her deck, and cut her cable line and treated her like complete crap. She calls me up crying and swearing she's never letting him back in her life. I was completely shocked. R did NOT seem capable of freaking out like that.

Well, 2 days later he calls and apologizes and she said she was going to give him another chance. I just emailed her and told her that I think she shouldn't and that I respect it's her choice but I am worried about her. I was involved for almost 4 years w/ a man who was verbally and eventually physically abusive and she herself back then told me to get out while I could.

Now she hasn't emailed me back and I'm worried I have pushed her away. I just was wondering if any of you would speak up if you were me? I was wondering how I can be there for her IF she does take this jerk back into her life?

Any advise would be great.

TIA.

[brenda]

I'd have said something, but in person or on the phone. Not over email, if possible. I just think you have a better chance of convincing her if you're having an ongoing conversation. Maybe you can meet up with her?

[Delaney21]

I agree with not doing it over email. Things can be taken out of context or in a harsher tone when you can't hear the inflection in someone's voice. I would call her or see her in person to discuss it with her. Remind her what she told you when you got out of your abusive relationship.

[maplekitty]

Calling someone your best friend means knowing they will always try to tell you what is best for you. It means knowing that their opinions mean something. It means sometimes having to say things that may not be easy to hear, but will always be appreciated after the fact. Your friend knows that you only have her best interest at heart, so by that I hope that she takes your comments seriously. There have been many times when my best friend has told me things that I didn't like hearing, but helped me in the end. I hope that you two can sit down and really talk heart to heart. She's been blinded right now by her emotions and she needs to hear a level-headed perspective from her best friend. Be aware that she may not like what you have to say, but you are her friend and its worth it to her to hear your thoughts.

[lawyerlee]

Given what you've been through, I hope she'll understand why you HAD to be honest with her. I definitely think I would have said what you did, too, though I agree with others who have said that e-mail may not have been the ideal medium of communication. It can leave so many openings for misunderstanding. Perhaps you could follow up wiith a follow call or in person visit and offer your support and companionship for a dinner out or something. Definitely don't want for her to make the next move, IMHO. Best of luck. :)

[onomatopoeia]

Well, she replied back and took it better than I expected.

I know email isn't the best way to communicate but since having my son I generally use email about 90% of the time b/c talking on the phone is hard and we only get together for lunch about 2-3 times a month.

She said she knows he's being a butt and I guess they just got into another fight. She said she's hanging out w/ him but won't let things go back to the way they were - he isn't living w/ her and she doesn't allow him to be at her place 24/7 and she's planning on dating other people.

Thanks for the advice!

[nylons73]

My only advice to you would be to watch how strongly you say what you say to her re: this guy. If she is an important friend to you (and it certainly sounds like she is from your post,) then I wouldn't express your negative feelings about this guy in too negative of a way or she might stop communicating with you.

When my mom was in college, her best friend was dating a guy my mom did not like. There were some issues with him that I won't go into. Anyhow, my mom's best friend breaks up with the guy. A bit later, the best friend asks for advice in getting back together with the guy. My mom expressed her true feelings and told her friend that she didn't much like the guy because of x,y and z. I guess she was pretty vocal about her disapproval. In the end, the 'best friend' ended up getting back together with the 'jerky' guy.

Long story short, my mom's best friend in the whole world got married to the guy and my mom wasn't asked to be in the bridal party. This was a shock to everyone since it was common knowledge that the two of them were best, best friends. The bride ended up asking some other sorority sisters or something, but nobody who was in the bp was as close to this girl as my mom had been.

After the wedding, my mom and the girl lost touch completely. Mom heard some years later that the marriage did fall apart (for many of the same reasons that my mom had disliked about the guy all along) but that knowledge does nothing to take away the hurt my mom feels about the whole situation. She tells me often that losing her best friend was not worth sharing some opinions about her love life. She regrets what she said to her friend to this day.

Hope that story made some sort of sense for you. Sorry I was so long winded. :)

[onomatopoeia]

nylons ~ thanks for sharing the story. That's exactly what I'm scared of - losing her friendship since we have been friends since we were 9 years old.

I hope she stays away from the guy completely, but at least she said she is going to date other people. Sadly, she has to have a boyfriend. She won't ever be single, but if she finds someone else (hopefully better) than she will drop this jerk.

[nylons73]

ono - Glad that long story made some sense! lol. Maybe you should have her 'randomly' meet some good candidates of your own choosing :)