My Sister on Drugs???

[Melne11]

Okay, This is a long story which I will try to make short, if I can.

My younger sister, "Sara" is 18. Before she graduated high school this spring, she moved out of my Dad's house. She lived with my older sister before getting an apartment on her own, with a 25 year old guy she was dating. All before graduating high school.

Now this past week or two, there have been rumors around my family, that she has been doing heroin for the past year. It was all started by a man that is friends with my mom, who said that Sara came to him pleading for help. He told mom, who told dad, they both told me and my sisters, and one of my older sisters told my aunt. We live in a small town. My aunt has a big mouth--you do the math.

I talked to Sara this past weekend. She is worried that she is going to get in trouble with the cops, because of this rumor. The town that she lives in is heavily into drugs. I mean for a town of 5,000 it's bad. Last month, a twenty-something guy died from a heroin/cocaine overdose. I'm worried to death. I asked Sara straight up whether she was doing it or not, she said no. Any thing else, I would be inclined to believe her, but Sara has a history of not exactly telling the truth, and as hip as I am :p I don't think she would tell me if she was.

I'm scared to death. All of us are. The problem is that we don't even know if she is doing heroin. And what are we supposed to do if she is?

My question is, then, whether any of you have ever dealt with a family member who is having this problem? How did you deal with it? What should I do? I'm really scared for her, but I'm lost. Help. :(

[jennylou]

A close friend is dealing with two of her brothers who are both trying to kick a heroin habit. It too is a small town and apparently heroin is the drug of choice there lately. Heroin is a really tough habit to kick, her brothers have been in and out of rehab. There isn't much that she was able to do...they both lied about it for years before they admitted to their use.

My youngest sister was a Meth user. I know that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. The worry that you have for your sibling is great. Having watched other people addicted before, you can't really do anything, they have to want to get help themselves.

Good luck to you, I hope that your sister is telling the truth about this.

[Melne11]

I hope she is too. Thanks for responding. I know you are probably right, that you really can't do anything, but I keep thinking that there has got to be a way to fix this. That there has to be a way for me to make it better. Even though I know there probably isn't.
Thanks for responding.
-Mel

[brenda]

Wow. Consider the possibility that she's not on drugs. Is there any reason - other than this rumor - to suspect that she is? What is her relationship with the man who first said something about her asking for help? Has she exhibited symptoms of drug use? Changes in appearance, habits, behavior, or financial situation? Was there a reason she left your dad's house? Does she have a steady job?

I think you need to sort out fact from fiction before getting so upset.

[lawyerlee]

There's a lot of denial and lying that goes along with this sort of thing, unfortunately. And even though you can try to encourage her to get clean and give her all the support in the world, she has to be the one to want it, ultimately. My younger brother was a drug user and dealer, and we tried many times to help him. It only worked when *he* was ready. And he'd already been arrested twice. It was really scary and sickening to all of us, so I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling now, I think.

One thing we didn't do that I wish we had was contact Al Anon, an organization for families of addicts. I would highly encourage you to do this. You and your family need all the support, advice, and encouragement you can get at this time.

The good news about our story is that my brother did stop using drugs, and he's currently working full time and going to college to finish dual bachelors degrees in accounting and business administration. He's planning to take the CPA exam when he finishes. I'm really, really proud of him for getting past those hurdles and using his vast intelligence for something worthwhile.

Take care.

[katmg]

I agree with Brenda and would say that you need to try to figure out what is true and what isn't. As much as you may want to take your sister at face value, that may not be the best course of action.

I know that you're in a tough spot right now. My brother was addicted to heroin and ended up committing suicide b/c he couldn't kick the habit. He lied to us about the drug use for 2 + years. Unfortunately, even after 2 rehab places and all the support in the world from my family he still couldn't stop using. There is no way to force a user to stop - they have to do it on their own. The hardest thing for me to realize was that a user will tell you anything, whatever you need to hear, in order to use. It is the drugs talking.

There's a wonderful book that *may* be out of print called, "Beyond the Yellow Brick Road" by Bob Meehan about drug addiction. My family found it very informative and very helpful. My parents also found a great support group similar to Al-Anon that was in conjunction with his first rehab attempt.

Keep us posted.

[nylons73]

There is no way to force a user to stop - they have to do it on their own. The hardest thing for me to realize was that a user will tell you anything, whatever you need to hear, in order to use. It is the drugs talking.

First of all, I'd like to say to katmg that I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. It's such a horrible thing for a family to go through and I really feel for you and yours.

Mel - I think what katmg posted above was right on the money. If your sister is using, I would try to talk to her about rehab and treatment so that she knows what resources are out there and where they can be found. Let her know that if she ever needs your help to get clean, she can get it. (you might have to put this in the 'hypothetical' form since she either is not using or won't admit it.) THat having been said, like lawyerlee mentioned, until the user wants to stop using, they won't.

I have been watching the show 'Intervention' on the A and E network and it's an interesting look into the struggles of the user and the family. Sometimes they are successful and sometimes not. This might be something to think about. I think there are resources listed at http://www.aetv.com/intervention/.

I do think that lawyer's suggestion to join Al-Anon is an excellent one! Group support, in this case, might be very helpful.

Please do keep us posted.

[greenbunny]

I have a friend who was able to kick heroin. It's incredibly difficult to do. I don't know how much you know about the effects of it, but it numbs your pain receptors. People coming off of heroin feel every little twinge in their bodies as horribly painful, stuff you normally wouldn't even notice, like scratching a mosquito bite too hard or pinching your finger.

There are often a lot of physical changes in a heroin user. Does she look like she's on heroin? You didn't say if she's smoking or shooting up, but both affect your body in profound ways. Is she losing weight? Is her hair dull? What do her eyes look like? If she's shooting, she'll have track marks. Does she wear long sleeves, even when it's hot out?

Look up the signs on a reputable website (like NA), see if you can recognize any of them.

[Juniper]

My sister was addicted to pain killers, which is a similar addiction physically and mentally to heroin. She was arrested several times, went to rehab once, and was in a wonderful program that was really starting to help her stay on track. Unfortunatly she had to get to rock bottom to even get in this program, but they kept tabs on her, made her got to AA every week, twice. They also put her in jail if she failed her drug tests. This was in New Mexico and was called the Pre-Prosecution program. Basically if she completed it the fraud charges from her first arrest would have been dropped. It was awesome.

During that time I was always encouraged to go to Alanon, it is at eight on Monday nights here and I have a 17 month old so it was a really hard time to go. I have found an Alanon communtiy on LJ, but it isnt monitored and is kind of wierd. I reccomend going if you can though.

Even if it is just rumors, they can help you be knowledgable about the signs of an addict and what habits they have. They also give you tools to confront them and do what you can both for yourself and for them.

Unfortunatly we lost my sister two months ago. We are not sure if it was an overdose or not because we still don't have the autopsy back (thanks NM), so we are really in limbo about it all. She seemed to be on the right track to getting better and we all had alot of hope.

I think that is what hardest about all this, addicts are awesome awesome liars, they lie to themselves and believe it, so sometimes they don't even realize they are lying to you. You have to throw out your ideas of right and wrong too, my sis stole money and did all sorts of things that I would NEVER have believed she did, and the fact is that it wasn't her, it was her addiction.

[oceaneast]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have no advice but your in my thoughts.

[Melne11]

First of all, I am so sorry Juniper and Katmg for your losses, and thank you for sharing your experiences. It's helping me to realize the seriousness of the problem.

Thank you for all your thoughts and your replies. It's crazy how many people are effected by this. It's more than I thought.

Sara's appearance has changed. She's thin! When we were growing up, she was always the heavier one. Then we used to wear the same size. Like a 14-16. She's probably a size 7-8 now. Maybe smaller, I'm not a good judge of that. I haven't noticed dull hair. She dyes it, I don't know if that makes a difference. She smokes weed all the time, so when she's not acting normal, I (and the rest of my family) would assume she's high. We never thought it'd be anything else. She doesn't have track marks- Dad and Mom checked when they found out, but there are other ways to do it right? I think I better go on one of those websites, just so I know what to look for-- I'm not very knowledgable of this stuff.

After reading eveyone's posts, I'm starting to realize some things that mean more than they did!

Juniper said that her sister was addicted to pain killers. Sara was too. My stepmom was taking Methodone (sp) for torn disks in her back. Sara would steal them. They found out, but no one realized what a big deal that was. I feel so stupid now. My G0d! She should have gotten help then. That was about a year ago! All they did was hide stepmom's pills better. And Sara's always been a liar. She's the best bullsh!ter I've ever seen.

Oh and she has been having problems with money. She got fired from the job she had in high school. And says she's got another job. Dad had to make a couple car payments for her. And Mom has said that she's asked to borrow money. She also told me that she's depressed.

All this seperatly means little, but all together, it's a very big deal. The thing I'm most scared of is losing her. Not to jail, but that she might overdose, or commit suicide. I don't want to lose her, but I don't know what to do to stop her.

Thanks again for your replies. Everyone's support helps alot!
-Mel

[Rippy1010]

I've been in Al Anon and Celebrate Recovery for several years now. My FH was/is both an alcoholic AND was a cocaine addict. You definitely should check out the Al Anon site to see what the signs are, because even the smallest thing that you don't think anything about could be a sign. From the sounds of it, she could have the signs, but not knowing your sister I can't say.

One thing that I learned in Al Anon is "your sister is not an addict until she admits she's an addict". That is still hard for me to understand to this day. But, they have to admit it themselves, you can't just say they are one. I think until they admit it, you just treat them as someone who "acts like" an addict. That is one concept I don't understand. But, truly, you can't push your sister into telling you ... that's the god's honest truth. I pushed my FH for years and years and years ... the more I suspected something, the better he got at lying.

Another thing I remember from Al Anon and CR (and my own life in general) is: Addicts are REALLY awesome liars, and REALLY incredible "story tellers". They can spin a story so fast that you have yourself believing every word, and feeling guilty for ever thinking otherwise.

One piece of advice? This will sound harsh, it will really. If she asks your dad to pay the car payments he should definitely say no. And if she asks anyone in your family to borrow money again, you all should definitely say no. I know it sounds awful, but if your sister is an addict you are not helping her. I know you all love her, and it feels like the right thing to do is to help her out of the money trouble right? That's what I always thought too. But, what I learned from my own experiences is that I was just making it easier on FH to go do exactly what he wanted (drink and use) because he no longer had the responsibility of bills, etc. When I got wise, my "cutting him off" from any monetary help is what FINALLY pushed him into recovery, because he finally hit his rock bottom. Y'know what I mean? That's the spot that everyone has to get to before they wake up and say "I don't want to be this type of person anymore."

Sheesh ... I'm rambling. But, it's just that I had to deal with FH for many years with all types of addictive problems (for him, he is a total addictive personality ... he doesn't just have one "vice" ... he can get addicted to absolutely anything ... truly, even PlayStation!). So, I know a little bit about what it's like to have to sit back. It really sucks. Plus, it is very therapeutic to talk about this all out in the open.

[Juniper]

Yeah, I think alot of people don't think pain pill addiction is as serious as it is because its not a "street drug". Housewives are addicted to it. My sister had to have a huge tumor reomoved on her ovary that ended up leaving her infertile, they gave her all the pain meds she wanted and she used them to dull the pain. Then she just never stopped. I think she took them every once in awhile before that too.

She used to joke about it all the time, say things like "I wish I had some pain pills", or "this would be better with some vicodin". We just never thought it was serious.


I am not sure the other ways you can do heroin, I think you can snort it or take it in pill form too. when my sister was arrested she lied and said that she had been on heroin so that they would give her methadone! She was really far gone at that point.


Anyway, I have babbled on about my situation too much here. It just kind of feels healing to talk it all out, after she died I wanted to pretend she never had a problem.

I hope that your sister can find the courage to get through this and if she does have a problem can admit it. It takes sooo much courage to face an addiction, people that beat it amaze me.

[katmg]

nylons - Thank you.

juniper - I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk. It's been 7 years since my brother died and when I think back on that year leading up to his death, it still feels so vivid.

mel - My brother did not show any "signs" of addiction. He never got super skinny or had visible track marks. He never looked liked a junkie. The fact that you know that your sister has used weed and pain killers in the past sets off major warning bells for me. It just makes it that much more likely that she is using and quite possibly using something "harder."

Keep us posted on how you're doing and what's going on with your sister.

[nylons73]

Mel - I am so sorry that when you put things together it is looking more ominous. I will keep you and her in my thoughts these days and please do pop in and let us know how you/she is doing! I think the thing that Rippy said about cutting your sister off financially is so important. One of the main things that they talk about on 'Intervention' is how important it is that the family makes these kinds of commitments and sticks with them!!

Rippy - Wow. I have never been a journal buddy of yours (or really ever 'talked' with you for that matter) but I am in so much admiration of you right now and I just had to tell you. It is so hard to love someone who has struggled with addiction and the fact that you have stuck it out and helped your FH through all of that is simply amazing to me. You must be one incredibly strong person. I am kind of sad now that I never popped into your journal at the 'other place,' although I definately saw you around. I think you can teach all of us a lot about love, comittment and sacrifice.

[Rippy1010]

nylons73 ~ Thank you so much for your kind words. You have me tearing up at my desk. Many family members and IRL friends I think view me as being pretty stupid for sticking it out. Sometimes it was very trying, but when you know who that person (FH) used to be, it is very hard to let go of the old person and walk away from the person that is hurting and killing themselves with the addiction. Honestly, the healthiest thing to do is walk away if the person doesn't want help. I was very prepared to do that. As a matter of fact, to force his "rock bottom" I did walk away from him ... I cancelled our 5/15/04 wedding two days after Christmas '03, and walked away. I told him I was through putting myself through that relationship because it wasn't healthy, and that he needed to clean up his act. Wow ... such a hard decision that was. I was so lucky to have all of my WC friends to lean on at that time, because they were the only ones supporting me through both the break up and when we got back together (we started re-dating when I saw him taking the right steps toward recovery). You have no idea what your words meant to me ... as our wedding is in 11 days! You are always welcome to stop by my journal anytime! :D Well, my WP Journal is still on WC, but I plan on coming over here permanently when I come back from the HM. Did you go by a different name on WC?

Rambling again, I know. But your words just touched me so much. Thank you very much!

[nylons73]

Rippy - Wow! Now you have me tearing up. I am so touched that what I wrote, said something to you. I honestly want to say that it came from my heart. I am working on myself lately to be more honest about what I think and feel - and to say it. I have been known to go years without really saying to others what I am feeling inside. I am trying to change this. I am glad that I 'took the leap' and did so in this instance because I 'feel your love' from across the screen today. :)

Someday, I wonder if you are going to put your whole journey into a book form? I think it would be so interesting and informative to read about how the two of you got through this whole ordeal together and how you empowered yourself to make the best choices, not only for yourself, but also for your FH, when the 'chips were down.' Re- Your wedding (congrats btw!) I remember vaguely seeing your signature change dates over at the 'old site' but I just didn't know what the postponement was about. I wish I had 'clicked' on the link and found out. I really could have learned a lot about you, and maybe I will get the chance to learn from you now. :)

Nayla ( aka - tampa 12/04 on WC and nynye on LJ. )

[Melne11]

I want to thank everyone again for all the replies and support.

I talked to my mom last night and we decided that all we can do is be there. Make our presence known so that if she feels like she needs help we will be there for her to go to. Mom and my dad have been stopping by her apartment quite a bit-- not so much as to check up, but to just be a part of her life again.

Dad called the place where she got the job, (he knew the manager) and she does, in fact, have the job. She's been working 12 hour days. And hasn't had a day off since she started. So she's been keeping busy which is a very good thing for her. After reading all your posts I've realized that there isn't anything I can do for her to make her "better" and that I just have to be there--emotionally--for her.
Rippy, your post is very profound and really got me thinking about how I just need to stick it out. I am very impressed that you did for so long. I mean a sister is a sister no matter what, but for a FH to be a user, it would have been so easy to just leave. But you didn't. Wow! I think nylons said it pretty well: I think you can teach all of us a lot about love, comittment and sacrifice And I think you have.

Thanks again, everybody!
-Mel

[Melne11]

I talked to Sara yesterday. We talked for a long time on the phone. I wasn't prying, and actually try to avoid the heroine situation when I talk to her, I don't want that to be in the front of our relationship. Anyway, I was talking to her, and near the end of the conversation, she admitted that she bought and used heroine this week.

I was suprised she told me and at first I didn't know what it say. Sara said that she's got the money (with her new job) and she wanted it. She needed to tell someone, and she told me.

I told her I was glad that she thought she could tell me, I want her to be honest with me. I told her that she was smart. She was smarter than this, and while I can't tell her what to do, I made sure she knew I was worried about her because it is dangerous stuff to be doing. I just kept telling her that she is smarter than what she's doing. And that she needs to be careful with this. I didn't want to lose her.

At the end of the conversation, I had the feeling that I was getting through to her. I just hope I did. I feel better that she thought she could tell me things. I guess I feel that if she can tell me she bought it, when she feels she needs help, I want her to feel she can come to me with that too. I hope I said the right things. She said she was suprised about how I handled her telling me. I don't know if it was a test to see how I would react. I just hope I left it open for her to seek me out if she needs help. I know I can't force her to get help, (that's something my other sister hasn't realized).

I'm kind of rambling at this point. I've been needing to get this out for a while, and I won't tell DH, he dosen't like her to begin with. I don't what that to fuel the fire. I won't tell my other sisters or parents. I don't want to betray Sara's trust, (I hope that's a right decision). It's been sitting inside me and I needed to tell someone, it feels good to get it out.

[MandyMaloo]

Wow...I've just read all the posts...I think you've gotton some terrific advice!

I used to live in a very small town, but moved away when my parents divorced. My best friend still lives there, so I go back every now and again. This town is now run off drugs. My old high school friends are doing everything from heroin to painkillers. It's scarey to see how places/people change when they get caught up in drugs.

I am very happy to hear that she was strong enough to admit that she had used. That's a HUGE step forward. Please know that you are going to need some more help for yourself dealing with this. Joining Al Annon is one of the greatest ideas. You need to recognize some triggers/warning signs, etc. There may be a point where someone will need to step in. Heroine is a VERY serious drug, and she will need help. Become familiar with the signs of a downward spiral so you can step in if it is needed.

You and your sister are in my thoughts and prayers.

[ysolde]

You are a strong person, a wonderful sister, and a terrific daughter. And you need the support of others who are or have been in your situation. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon don't have all the anwers -- and they will tell you that. But you won't ever be alone when you need someone to talk to, you will never be judged for your decisions, and you will get some valuable information on how to live your own life when someone you love has an illness like (or the symptoms of) addiction.

I applaud you for your honesty and for your courage. You and our family are in my prayers.

[camberne]

My neice is a recovering addict. I honestly don't know everything that she took, but she was on the path to self-destruction and we all knew it. She was arrested for stealing (she said "borrowing") a co-worker's car, and she lost that job. She lost a couple more jobs for being unreliable, and she developed a bad reputation (the locals scene is pretty tight-knit) to where it was hard for her to get work. She was nearly evicted when my mother put up the money to keep her in her apartment (it was actually a cottage behind a house) for another couple of months. She had made a deal with her parents to join the military when they agreed to bail her out of jail. She then decided that the military wasn't for her.

No one would let her live with them, including her sister and best friend, because she stole whatever wasn't nailed down and lied like a professional.

She and her sister (the oldest of the neices) were both readers in my wedding. Well, they were supposed to be, at least. The younger showed up to the rehearsal (which we all saw as a good sign) but she didn't show up to the wedding!!

Another month went by and we were at Thanksgiving dinner. She was there with her new boyfriend. She was noticably off the drugs. She has since moved to Oregon and has a great job (makes more than I do!!) with benefits and is living with the boyfriend who made it worth her while to stop taking. We are all incredibly grateful for his help and for her resolve to stop.

My neice had stopped once before this last time and had a relapse. It's scary and you just don't stop worrying about them. I'm so thankful that my story didn't end up like katmg's and juniper's, because it so easily could have.

Hopefully, now that your sister has opened up, you can keep the lines of communication open. I totally agree about the Al-Anon program. I've been attending for over 20 years, since I was little to deal with my father's alcoholism. Even if you don't talk, it's good to know you're not alone and to know that there are people who understand what you're feeling.

Good luck!!

[Rippy1010]

Wow, Mel! That's so great that she felt close enough to confide in you that she bought this week. That is a step! She admitted it to one person.

However, may I just interject one thing? Don't confuse the lines of "keeping her trust" and "keeping her secret". I think it is awesome that she trusts you enough to tell you ... that is a great thing. And, of course you should do what you can to let her know and see that your trustworthiness is strong. But, she will test it. And, you will be challenged with a situation where keeping her trust may mean lying for her, and covering up for her ... wherein lies the slippery slope as we call it. :) Honor your lines of communication by all means. But, you must draw the line when it comes to situations where you find you may be lying for your sister, covering things up for your sister, etc.

This is why I agree with everyone else when they say that you need some sort of Al Anon or Nar-Anon. They will teach you some signs and guidelines for sure. If you don't yet feel comfortable with an actual meeting, you can warm yourself up by visiting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/. They use the vBulletin type of chatboards there, and it is the same set up as here and the old WC. They have different boards for different topics, and one of them is Al-Anon, and one of them is Nar-Anon, in addition to a WHOLE BUNCH of other stuff ... right down to quitting smoking. :)