Are estranged grandparents entitled...

[newmommy]

to a relationship with our DS???

Long story short, dh and I aren't close to his parents despite being together for nine years...and haven't spoken to his father in the past few years.

Now that our DS is here his mom is calling almost daily:rolleyes: (she barely called throughout my pregnancy)
His father came to the hospital (despite NEVER contratulating us on our pregnancy---and we haven't seen/spoken to him in years---which really, really made me uncomfortable during the visit...... he kissed me and video taped me with my DS, as though we have a normal relationship!!!!!! :mad: ).

Basically his family has a tendency to "drop bombs" or say and do something so callous/rude, and then just forget it happened--and expect us to do the same.

I have very strong feelings about this....and would like to know what you all think.....

Should Dh and I( who feels the same as I do) just let them waltz in and out of our lives as they see fit? Are they entitled to a relationship with our DS ?????

TIA this is an issue that is haunting me every night, while I'm up feeding DS....thanks!!

[maggieb]

My father and I have had an estranged relationship for several years now. He never acknowledged that I was pg and honestly, I didn't even call him to let him know. I have a lot of hard feelings about him and his actions. I do not think he is entitled to a relationship with my girls. That said, I have come to terms with who he is and who he isn't and I personally think that it benefits my girls to have a relationship with their grandfather despite my feelings about him. It's been really difficult for me. My knee-jerk reaction is to not let him see the girls ever, but I've worked hard at trying to be a bigger person and let my girls develop their own relationship with him. He even came to stay with us for Helena's birthday and it actually went very well. If you would have told me three years ago that I was going to let my father stay in my home I would have told you that you were crazy, but I just couldn't imagine my girls one day blaming me b/c I kept them from their grandfather.

[Lolavix]

My DH is estranged from his biological father. I've never met the man, and he lives about 1500 miles away or so.My MIL has been remarried since DH was 22 (so for almost 16 years), and, right or wrong, I consider her husband DD's paternal grandfather.

SIL was also estranged for the biological father until about 3-4 years ago. So, he hears about DH and our family through her. When DD was born, he sent a dozen roses about a month after her birth. He timed the delivery to arrive while MIL and FIL were visiting for the first time (they live about 1000 miles away), so part of me feels like this was sort of a ploy to "show up" MIL or something to that effect.

DH and I talked about what to do, and he felt sort of like Maggie in that he didn't want DD to blame him for her lack of relationship with him down the road. He sent a thank you to his dad and a few pictures and figured the ball was in his court. DH says that a lot of what his dad does is for show, and I had to wonder how true that was.

We haven't heard from him since. That was 2 years ago. I have to wonder if we'll hear from him this summer, when baby #2 arrives. Like you, he says that his father tends to just waltz in and out and isn't the most reliable sort of person, which might be confusing to a small child.

As an interesting aside, SIL gave my work email to his wife. (I jokingly referred to her as my second MIL). Again, I've never met this woman. She basically said that they have a right to see DD because she is related to her husband, and she wanted me to keep in touch behind DH's back. I never replied. I figured it wasn't the best move to do anything related to this estranged relationship behind DH's back, nor did I want to.

For us, it's not so bad, because of the distance. If your ILs live close by, it might be more problematic.

[dana b]

i certainly don't think they're 'entitled' to anything. it really depends on the situation and type of people your il's are -- if they're really making an effort to be good to your kids and behave properly in front of them, then i might consider letting them be a part of your kids lives, i still don't think they're entitled to any rights a regular grandparent would have like babysitting, etc. i haven't talked to my father in years and i made a point to make sure he never found out i was pg, i knew he would try to come around once i had a child. i honestly don't see anything my dd would gain from having a relationship with him and his wife and not having to deal with their constant drama is much better for our family.

[PookiePrincess]

I'm not a parent, but I think I know how I will do it when I am. Honestly, I think if there is no relationship with the two of you, why should they feel like they can have a relationship with your child?

I haven't talked to my biological father in 3 years and have no intention of ever having a relationship with him. His family came to my wedding and showed their asses, so that was the end of them. When I have kids, there will be no relationship with that side of the family. I would like it if no one (mainly my brother) ever even told them I was pregnant. If they can't respect me as a person and my feelings, why do I think they would respect anything about my kids, my beliefs in how they'll be raised, or the behavior they'll be around?

To me, it's a package. They'll be my kids. If you can't deal with me, then there's no deal.

[mamahammer]

I haven't spoken, for various reasons, to my biological mom in over 5 years. Prior to that, I probably spoke with her once a year for about 7 years. My take? If my mother was harmful enough to me in my own life for me to cut her out, why in the world would I allow her to harm my children? She never harmed me or my brothers and sisters physically, but she was emotionally abusive and neglectful - and she abandoned her 4 children continually. I could never forgive myself if I let her into my children's lives and allowed her to give them the same grief she gave us. I would protect my children from that kind of pain at any cost.

[mamahammer]

I would like it if no one (mainly my brother) ever even told them I was pregnant.
My mother, thankfully, doesn't know that my children or my niece exist. She has no idea where we all live nor is there any reason for her to. I had nightmares during my first pregnancy about my mother showing up on my doorstep expecting to be welcomed in as "Grandmother" to my children. My husband assures me that he wouldn't let her anywhere near them or me.

[LindsaySD]

My ILs live 7 miles from my house, and we haven't spoken in about 2 years. DH & I have been together for 7 years and have known each other for 13. MIL blames me for "taking her son", but it all boils down to physical and mental abuse DH suffered growing up. Basically, if you beat the crap out of your child, they won't like you very much when they grow up. Regardless, they blame me and are jealous of the relationship DH has with my parents, who basically raised him.

All of this is fine and good...we don't miss the drama and constant turmoil AT ALL. However, I keep a website for DD so my family (all out West) can see her and keep up with her. One day, DH's aunt signed the guestbook. Well, seeing as though I've never met her, I knew right where it came from...BIL was giving it out, and MIL was viewing it daily. Normally, it wouldn't bother me, but I figure, how can you ignore my child, ignore my current pregnancy, and ignore my husband and think it's OK to know what's going on in our lives?? In the end, I passworded the site with DH's 100% support.

MIL has constantly bad-mouthed me around town, even though people are pretty aware that they are just BAD people. They attempted to ruin my wedding (FIL came down with a "brain tumor" two days before...never heard another word about it), caused a scene the day DD was born (stormed off bc I wanted privacy while my butt was in the air), and MIL made a pass my (very happily married for 30 years) dad while I was in the delivery room. She even had the nerve to tell my dad that she didn't know why DH ever wanted to marry me in the first place...THE DAY I WAS GIVING BIRTH TO HER GRANDCHILD!! She later told me that I was the reason her life was so bad and that no child of mine would ever be part of her family. They refused to come to my house when we brought DD home and ignored us the past two Xmases and DD's 1st b-day.

In my opinion, no, it's not OK for people to waltz in and out of your life just because they think they can. There are consequences for your actions. If MIL came to me and said that she was so sorry for what she's done and that she would make an honest effort to get to know me and love my child, then I would try, but until that day, there's no way she's going to see her. I have to consider her safety, which is probably not an issue for you, but it's just not really fair. How do you explain to a child that her grandparents "just couldn't make it" to her birthday party/Christmas/really important moment? It's just not something I want to do.

[LeslieR]

I don't think so. I do not have a relationship with my father despite many desperate attempts on his part including sending a Christmas card this year addressed to me, DH, and Lucas. Who the hell is Lucas? My son's name is Luke.:mad: Man, was I furious! He also signed it at the end with "Give my grandson a kiss." WTF? You've never even met him!:mad: I have seen my "father" about 3-4 times in the past 14 years and those few times were what I consider a lapse in judgement on my part. I have no idea how my "father" knows that I had a baby, let alone how he got the wrong name for him. I know I never called him to tell him I was pregnant. I couldn't even tell you his phone number or his address! My worst fear was that he was going to somehow find out that I had a baby and call me at the hospital. That Christmas card was the first indication I had that he knew about my son. And not exactly the smartest/best way for him to endear himself to me. Especially considering he couldn't even get his facts straight regarding my son's name. grrrrr. I'm getting all riled up now just typing this all out. lol Anyway, I have no desire to have a relationship with him now or ever. And I certainly don't want my son to have a relationship with him. As far as I'm concerned, my "father" gave up all of his rights years ago.

[dzmattie]

:( We are struggling with this right now. My IL's are strange. My FIL is upset (to say the least) at us for moving "away" - we are 30 minutes from them! He won't speak to us about that or about anything. To top it off - my DH works for his father and is doing well - his father is totally professional about his work relationship and so is DH. But he NEVER asks about our DS - ugh. This has been going on for about 4 months. And - my MIL acts like everything is fine. And - things got messy when FIL didn't show for DS's 2nd birthday but MIL did. And the WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING WITH US. I come from a family where we talk about everything so this is hard for me.

How do you explain to a child that her grandparents "just couldn't make it" to her birthday party/Christmas/really important moment? It's just not something I want to do.

This is our issue right now - FIL was 30 minutes away and just didn't come. Now - DS was too small to understand this time but next year?? As it was - when MIL walked in DS stood at the door saying "granpop?" - it was very upsetting.

I have the issue too that I don't know if I should continue to let MIL be involved and FIL not? I basically am writing to say - I don't know what you should do - but I am thankfully for all of you posting your situations. It helps to hear your points of view.

[jenjen0713]

I don't think grandparents or any other family members are entitled to anything. I have a similar situation but with my two sisters. I haven't spoken to them in over 10 years and it has been the best 10 years of my life!! I haven't had to deal with their negativity, bad attitudes, lies and overall drama. I have no intentions of having any sort of relationship with them EVER! They were furious when they found out I got married and felt I should have invited them to my wedding. WTF??? Then, when I was 7 months pregnant, my mother told them and once again they were furious that they weren't told before then. Now neither of them are speaking to my mother for not telling them sooner. WTF??? Both sisters have e-mailed me (how they got my e-mail I have no idea and it makes me uncomfortable to say the least) and I haven't responded. You would think that would be enough to let them know I want nothing to do with them. Then they started pressuring my parents to find out my DH's cell phone number to which they refused to give it to them. One sister wrote my mother a nasty letter and told her that they were "entitled" to get to know their nephew. H*LL NO!!! Over my dead body, will they ever know my DS. Just because they are blood relation, doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them or (gasp) even like or love them IMHO. There are some people in this world who I consider "toxic" and I choose not to have a relationship with those people. I have to preserve my sanity and protect my child and I won't subject them to such toxic relationships.

[Franni]

I am going to give you another point of view...

The very reason why I am where I am right now is to be as far away from my family as I could possibly get. Growing up, I felt very estranged from my family. They were very controlling and I felt so tied down. So for the first few years of my being here, we remained in speaking terms but I only called once in a while.

However the years have had an opposite effect on me. It made me realize the family I had left behind especially when I had DD. I had asked my mom to come and help with much trepidation. I had thought she was going to come in here and tell me what to do, criticize my decisions and just take over. Quite the opposite occured. My mom was so respectful of my wishes even the ones she didn't agree with. She was so patient through the many meltdowns I had. It was amazing. Needless to say I miss her terribly. And I know I wouldn't have known all of this if I didn't invite her back into my life in a meaningful way.

BUT our relationship though was never abusive though. I guess that's where the line should be drawn.

[AusAshMommy]

DH hasn't spoken to nor seen his biological father since he was 15 and he's perfectly content with that. He knows about DS and DD through my MIL, but he has no pics of them. Just names and ages. We get cards for our B-Days and X-Mas but nothing for the kids. He knows about them, but he hasn't given any indication towards wanting to meet them or see them. Thankfully, he lives about 9hrs away, so it's a Non-Issue for us...

[Sasha]

I have had a very rocky relationship with my father since I was a teenager. There have been times that we have stopped speaking and many times that I have considered cutting all ties with him. He is bi-polar but does not take any medication for it. My only saving grace recently is that my father is so wrapped up in his own life (has a 7-yr old son with my stepmother, does a weekly 1500 mile commute, and is over 60 years old) that he is just too out of it basically to even acknowlege what is going on in my life. If the emotional and verbal abuse that he laid on me for years was still occuring, I would absolutely cut him out of our lives, including a relationship with my DD. DH and I have agreed that if my father ever got back to his old tricks, we would not want him to have the opportunity to hurt DD the way he hurt me growing up (not physically, just verbally and emotionally). I would absolutely protect my DD from his insanity and would never want to subject her to that. If my father and I were to stop speaking, he would lose the relationship with DD.

[newmommy]

Thanks for all your replies!!!!!!

DS in my arms so pardon the typos:D

I asked dh again last night if we are on the same page....thankfully he said yes.
Just annoying because MIL acts like everything is fine and now asks how her baby is!!!!!! :mad: I LOATHE that.

FIL has ruined/missed out on several events in our lives---including storming out of our rehearsal dinner(they were hosting)----so many more..... I just don't want to give him the opportunity to do the same to our DS...........It's comforting to hear that we're not alone in this situation.

[udsweetpea]

No, they are not entitled to any type of relationship with your DS.

[allyray231]

DH does not have the best relationship with either of his parents. FIL has seen my son once (he lives in FL) and MIL -who lives an hour away-has seen him 3 times. My parents-who live 4 hrs away see him twice a month. He is almost 8 months old. See where I am going here ;)

I pretty much left it up to DH. I told him if he wanted them to know his grandparents that is fine-if not that is fine too. He goes back and forth between both idea-one day yes and one day no

Basically they can see if they want but I do not go out of my way to include them in things. FIL is not very supportive of our marriage and I kinda feel like if he doesn't support us-then he doesn't support DS. The one time that he did come to see us he didn't even spend that much time with my son--so he kinda lost any chance in my eyes.

DH does not have a relationship with MIL parents. I feel bad for him ( all my grandparents are dead) but I told him-it is up to him what he wants to do.

I think both of you have to decide. They do not have right to see them if you don't want them to.

Good luck

[IrisHope]

Grandparents are not entitled but I do wonder if they would add something to your childs life. If your child loves them I think they are a happy addition to his/her life.

[jennylou]

Nope, they aren't entitled to anything. Which is why I'm glad I live several thousand miles away. I wouldn't want my children to see them on a regular basis, small doses is okay in my mind and can be explained by the distance.;)

[snowzilla]

Absolutely not. They're not entitled to a relationship with their grandchildren, especially if they opt not to have a healthy, functional relationship with their OWN children. My mother was mentally ill and a very toxic person.

What it boiled down to for me was this - I didn't want MY children to see MY mother treating me like crap. What sort of message did that send to my kids about respect and love for family? So I cut her off. It wasn't easy - I was constantly pressured by friends who had good relationships with their mothers, who didn't understand just how truly awful it was to be around my mother, to "give her a second (or third, or fourth) chance".

I think it truly depends on each person's individual situation, but for me, it was the right choice.

[Natrat80]

I didn't read the whole thread yet, but I'll respond really quickly.

DH's dad is basically a deadbeat....FIL never had any type of relationship with him since he kicked DH out of the house about 10 years ago. FIL never calls on bdays, never sends Christmas gifts, never helped with DH's college, etc. Fast forward to a few years after we got married. DH's sis had a baby and all of the sudden FIL decided to try to get his act together and come back into all of our lives. DH says okay but has a serious talk with him about how he's not going to screw up our family the way he screwed up his own, he needed to start acting like an adult, etc. FIL floated in and out of our lives for a year or so. Now that we have DD he wants to be involved. We try really hard to be kind and forgiving without letting him hurt us. (He wasn't abuse really just a big jerk) We had him over for Christmas and while it was very awkward, he loved meeting DD and was very sweet with her.

So, back to you question, do they deserve to have a relationship with your child? Probably not. But I believe in forgiveness and grace and unless DD is in danger I will allow FIL to come around and give him a second chance even though he doesn't deserve it.

[IrisHope]

Just keep in mind what is in the best interest of the child....

[jmvan74]

I think it depends on the situation. If the estranged parent was abusive, I can understand the concern. On the other hand, if the separation occured over something that is really petty (which happens often) I think the child deserves the chance to know they're grandparent. In addition, most grandparents treat they're grandkids differently than they did their own children. I agree with Natthat forgivness is important. What a wonderful trait to teach your children. IMO.:)

[maggieb]

jmvan74 ITA!

While my father was a crappy father, he wasn't physically or verbally abusive. Even though he was really bad at being a father, I felt like he had the possibilities of being a good/average grandfather and so far he's done an OK job with his granddaughters. Mind you, I'm not going to let him babysit ever and he certainly isn't as close to the girls as my mom or DH's mom.

I do think that an abusive parent has lost all rights to any kind of relationship with you and your child.

[Lil_Mrs_0702]

It's really hard. My grandpa was an absolutely horrible step dad and father to his children (an angry drunk, beat his kids, smoked like a chimney) but for some reason he was the exact opposite with his grandkids. At first my parents wanted us to have nothing to do with him, but after seeing the bond that was created they realized that being a grandfather had changed him.... He quit smoking, only had his occassional beer and never ever laid a hand on us. Some of my fondest memories are of me sitting in his lap and him telling us funny stories and jokes. While I understand my parents wanting nothing to do with him, I'm glad that they didn't cut into that bond between us.

I would give them a chance but make it on your terms. I wouldn't go out of my way to please them or make things easy for them.

[jh124]

I skimmed the entire thread. I'm surprised that no one brought up what grandparents/family members are legally entitled to. Some states have laws that entitle grandparents to visitation (although, I think it might only be in cases where their child has died and the surviving parent won't let them visit.)

Anyhow, for those of you in these situations: research your state laws, just in case you live in a state that awards grandparents visitation. Also, make sure your wills are explicit as to who your child will live with when you and/or your spouse dies. The last thing you want to have happen is your children are given to your alcoholic brother.

My dad's mother was emotionally abusive to me as a child. She hated my mother and took out that hate on me. However, my dad subjected me to her wrath time and time again. Now that I'm an adult and she's sober, she has tried to rebuild the relationship. I'll send her photos of my son and Christmas cards, but there is no way in hell she will ever meet my son in person. DH, my dad, and I have discussed this and they are aware of my wishes. My dad is a good guy, but he is the child of alcoholics. He didn't protect me from them, so I don't have a lot of faith that he would protect my son. I made DH promise that if anything happened to me, Hank would not have to see this woman.

[Natrat80]

What a wonderful trait to teach your children. IMO
Thanks jmvan!

While my father was a crappy father, he wasn't physically or verbally abusive. Even though he was really bad at being a father, I felt like he had the possibilities of being a good/average grandfather and so far he's done an OK job with his granddaughters. Mind you, I'm not going to let him babysit ever and he certainly isn't as close to the girls as my mom or DH's mom.

I could have written that maggie! I would also NEVER let FIL babysit, but supervised visits are fine with us. DD will certainly never be as close to FIL as she is to my parents and DH's mom and stepdad, but she will know him. And honestly babies/kids have a way of softening a person's heart and I really think that DH may be able to stand being around his dad more as he sees how kind he is to DD.

[irish74]

Not a parent yet, but my MIL will never see any child of ours. We don't speak with her now and haven't since 2000, that won't be changing. She destroyed my husband's life a couple of times and won't be given the opportunity to do that to another child.

[newmommy]

So MIL called tonight and invited us over for Easter dinner(first time in 10 years) I'm so angry for so many reasons:


1.) Dh and I don't speak to FIL, why would we go to his house????


2.) She invited us despite the fact that she has two cats and smokes---she knows I'm allergic and we're keeping DS away from those things as well(not that she has even considered that)

3.) She is having all her extended relatives(who threatened DH and I last Christmas---if we didn't visit them by New Year's we were not going to be invited over again) and she told DH that we can make up with the family..........ummmm WHAT???????


I am so angry because DH didn't know what to say---he told me that he wanted to avoid the situation, and knows that he should have just said no, instead he said something like: "I doubt it".....I wish he just put her in her place once and for all. She is really thinks that this baby is supposed to just bring everyone together--he's our baby....we'll bring him around the people who have always been around--not just because they want to see OUR baby!!!!!

Oh man, I'm heated, and DH refuses to talk about it....well I guess he knows how I feel, and regrets not saying anything....AHHHH

Okay, enough now, thanks for letting me rant....

[newmommy]

If you've read this thread at all, would you confront MIL next time you speak with her, or should I let DH take care of this? I'm still fuming from last night!!

[marchfamily]

My dad and I have had a very strained relationship for over 10 years. I told myself that if he treated my kids they way he has treated me, there would be a break. Well....

How do you explain to a child that her grandparents "just couldn't make it" to her birthday party/Christmas/really important moment? It's just not something I want to do.

This was the last straw for me. My dad didn't come to my DD's 1st birthday party because he was "sick". Mind you, he was able to drive his step daughter 8 hours (round trip) back to college the next day.

This is on the heels of leaving my wedding early because he was "sick" - but had golfed that morning and went to Great America the next day.

It's been two months since we've spoken. No big blow out. But, I have no intention on making any efforts to contact him until the next baby is born (soon).

Entitled to see his grandchildren - nope.

[Scooter]

Chicken, if you're still really upset about it when you two try to talk about it, I wonder if it makes DH feel kind of caught in the middle & that's one of the reasons he's shutting down like that? Can you two talk calmly about it enough to reach a mutual decision about it? If you guys don't make things clear to his parents, these problems are just going to keep coming up with them. Maybe you need to make a plan with DH of how to handle them & who is going to do it & what they will say. Being really clear is important, and it sounds like he may have some trouble saying NO flat out to them, so maybe he needs some phrases on hand to use with them when they call. His mom keeps pushing the limits & is not being respectful towards you & DH, so it's really your (both of you) job to firmly stop her when she does that. Just some thoughts from your last posts.

[katmg]

I skimmed the entire thread. I'm surprised that no one brought up what grandparents/family members are legally entitled to. Some states have laws that entitle grandparents to visitation (although, I think it might only be in cases where their child has died and the surviving parent won't let them visit.)

This is something I'm EXTREMELY interested in and worried about.

My DH's father was emotionally and physically abusive to the whole family. MIL finally divorced him a year ago and he is out of everyone's lives however he still lives in the same city that we all do. I consider him a very dangerous and violent person. The fact that he knows where we live causes me great concern. There is no way in hell that he will be allowed to have a relationship with our (future) children. I would prefer that he never know we have them.

Is there any legal way to cut off grandparent "rights?"

Chicken - I would let your DH confront MIL. He may not want to do it but it will be better in the long run for it to come from him.

[jmvan74]

chicken: I think in this situation it is your DH's job to talk to his parents. If your DH didn't give a flat out no, maybe he has some reservations and is feeling conflicted. I think the two of you need to discuss things calmly and then DH should talk to IL's.

[newmommy]

Well DH and I agree that we should take a stand, but I honestly think he has a hard time with it. I'm going to ask him to take a stand tonight when he gets home-we'll see. He hasn't done it yet, I'm sure he'll continue to ignore them.

Man I was just re-telling the story and I'm still so heated.

[newmommy]

Well DH and I agree that we should take a stand, but I honestly think he has a hard time with it. I'm going to ask him to take a stand tonight when he gets home-we'll see. He hasn't done it yet, I'm sure he'll continue to ignore them.

Man I was just re-telling the story and I'm still so heated.

[allyray231]

Chicken My ILs are a total PITA and they are divorced so we get to 2x over. FIL has seen the kid once-MIL 3 times (MIL live and hour away)

I can't say anything to them-I have tried and it goes no where. It has to come from DH. If not, then they think it is all me being the one that doesn't want to see them.

Hang in there

[BusyBee]

Katmg -
A friend of mine (D) has been having a lot of trouble with her mother (M), who is truly a horrible, bitter person. M hates D's husband and does not hide it in front of her grandkids. They have also noticed how grandma treats them differently. D says her parents are welcome to see them anytime, even without her husband, but they won't come. M refuses to speak with her daugter D at all, but insists that she bring the kids to her and leave them for unsupervised visits.

Long story short - M has taken her daughter to court several times, claiming grandparents rights. She won't talk to her daughter at all. She's even tried to get custody of the kids, who are loved, happy and very well taken care of by their parents.

Last year, after countless thousands of $ and headaches, she was granted visitation by the court, which her daughter was offering in the first place. And she still has not called or gone to see them.

She doesn't care about the kids, she just wants to prove she's right :rolleyes:

ETA - Katmg - in answer to your question, I think it depends on their motivation to see the grandkids, and the amout of money they have to burn. The court will, eventually, do the right thing.

[katmg]

Thanks Busy Bee! I did a quick google search on grandparent rights in my state and it looks like the only time they can be given visitation rights is when to do so would be to the benefit of the child or when the parents have already lost their parental rights.

I don't know that my FIL would even care if we have kids, but if he saw it as a way to harrass my MIL or get any money from the deal he would. Such a lovely person he is. :rolleyes:

Chicken - my experience was extreme - resulting in restraining orders,etc. but it really helped my DH for us to see a counselor. The counselor was a completely unbiased 3rd party that could tell him that he needed to put our marriage before his father's demands. It helped him see that it wasn't a question of whether he supported his father's actions or not, it was a question of right versus wrong. Little bit different situation, but a counselor or therapist might give your DH the strength to follow through on something he already knows.

[DansGirl]

First, let me state that I'm not offering any legal advice on this matter as it would be unethical for me to do so in this situation. That said, a large part of my legal practice deals with family law/custody issues. I practice in Iowa and will only speak for this state, although I believe most states are generally the same.

In Iowa, it is very rare for grandparents to receive court-ordered visitation with grandchildren over the child's guardians' objections. Courts value a legal guardian's right to parent and make decisions regarding who their child sees or doesn't see. The rare situations where grandparents are typically granted visitation rights appear to be those situations where, for example, a grandparent played an extremely large role in the child's life and may have served as a primary caretaker fo many years. The court may order visitation in that situation if the child's guardian suddenly cut off the grandparent's access to the child. If, however, the child's guardian had a reasonable explanation for denying access, that will generally be accepted.

Hope that offers something.

[newmommy]

Well I have an update, and I thought I'd share. For quite some time I've let Dh handle or rather avoid situations with his family...however recently I've felt compelled to get involved.

His mother called and invited us for Easter dinner, and to just see her extended family and "get things over with", because she wants to show her family OUR baby..........this was infuriating for the following reasons:
1.) Dh doesn't talk to his Dad, why would we be comfortable to go to his home----we haven't been there in over 4 years)?
2.) His parents smoke and have cats(I'm allergic/asthmatic, and who knows if DS is as well-he's only 3 months!)
3.) We've already been told that we're no longer welcome to visit extended relatives home for holidays, why would we want to see them all at one time--for the first time in years? It would be uncomfortable, and DS would sense that, and that's no way to spend his first holiday!

So when DH waited 2 days to tell me that he never told me but his toxic aunt(who we cut ties with prior to our wedding 31/2 years ago) would be there, I nearly blew my top! I called MIL and basically explained that I was surprised/confused as to why she'd invite us, knowing how uncomfortable the situation would be. In summary I explained that however unfortunate the circumstances within the family are, they should have been "fixed" prior to DS being born, and his presence(sp?) does not change matters, and that DS will not have a relationship with people or family that DH and I don't have one with.
Now I was very strong and assertive, and very confrontational...but that was the straw that broke the camel's back!!
So she didn't say much until the end...she actually said: "well I know you don't want to come for dinner, but what about dessert?" WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!:mad: Oh my goodness I was flabbergasted(sp?) :rolleyes: Did she not hear what I had said?:confused:
So I repeated the last comment about the relationship thing, and said that I would talk to her later. She didn't say a word, and we hung up.

I have spoken to her since then, and she acts like nothing is wrong--which annoys me. His family just avoids issues and pretends they don't exist.

BTW I got dh's permission before I made the call, and let MIL know that Dh was aware of the phone call. I felt so strong and happy with my decision to speak up. It was the first time, and I had to make myself clear. I guess my maternal instinct kicked in, and I had to lay down the law.

Well like I said, I wanted to update you all, because I appreciate the support you gave me.

Thanks again, and I'm sure the saga continues;)

[PookiePrincess]

OMG, Chicken, I can't believe your MIL! That's so great that you told her how you feel. I can't believe she's just acting like nothing's happened. She sounds as crazy as some of my family (actually, just like my grandmother)!

[BusyBee]

Chicken, that is awesome for you! It sounds like you said everything that needed to be said. The dessert comment, seems like she had to give it one last try. My family is like that, too, to some extent - keeping up the appearence and keeping everything pleasant is more important than actually solving problems. Their reaction or interpretation is not your concern. Good for you! And good for your DS, to have such a strong mamma!

[newmommy]

Thanks!
Now if I could just get over the angst I feel whenever MIL calls!

[michael'sbride]

We haven't had a normal relationship with DH's parents in almost two years. There have been many situations that lead to us severing ties with them but there was a big blow up that happend that was the final straw.

In a nutshell - DH's parents refuse to understand that they are not the center of the universe. Everything in their life is about them. This includes how they expect you to talk to them, inform them of things, taking every suggestion they offer, raising our kids exactly how they raised DH and SIL, I could go on and on.

They have force-fed my nephew since the day he was born. They resent DH for "embarrassing" the family when his first marriage ended in divorce. They have clearly said that they do not think our marriage will work either. They did not speak to us on our wedding day, they have never shown any interest in being a part of our children's lives.

I have struggled with this issue for two years now. Should I try to mend fences with my IL's just for the sake of my children? Should they be allowed to make up their own minds about their grandparents?

The answer is no. I am not required to make peace with them or foster a relationship between my children and their grandparents.

Why? My DH knows best. Pure and simple. He has chosen to sever ties with his parents. He has had many discussions with a family friend who is a Psychologist and the result has always been that a relationship with his parents has always been and will always be unhealthy and dysfunctional. There is no reasoning with them, they don't understand "setting terms". They see life through their own eyes and will. never. change. If there is one common thought about his parents from all that know them its that no matter what they will be this way for the rest of their lives.

I used to feel very bad and I still have pangs of guilt but that's because my parents have taught me to be a forgiving person. I'm learning by dealing with these people that you can forgive but still not perpetuate a bad situation. We would be putting our children at risk and causing damage if we allowed them to have a relationship with their Grandparents. It's my job as a parent to ensure that my kids have a stable life.

The last words my DH spoke to his parents were "we have a right to a happy life" I'm not one to argue that.

Now if I could just get over the angst I feel whenever MIL calls!

I still haven't been able to do this. I don't think I ever will.

[newmommy]

Update,
MIL just came by to bring DS an Easter gift--which was nice. It was so awkward, and when DH tried giving DS his paci--she said(in a baby voice) you don't want that yucky thing---and kept insisting. Then when I said I'd rather the paci than his thumb/hands---due to the fact that I sucked my thumb too long/excema...she said "all babies do it"...GRRRRRRRRr

Then she asked us where we're going tomorrow---and she mentioned how much she has to do for dinner so many times--it was annoying. Then Dh asked her if she got our invite to our son's christening, she said yes, in a weird tone. DH tried to tell her that we rented tables/chairs and it'll be an indoor/outdoor thing she seemed puzzled and changed the topic I was SO ANNOYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She stayed for maybe 20 minutes, and FIL didn't make an appearance---which is okay but he hasn't seen DS since the day after he was born....and MIL keeps asking for pics...umm FIL can come here if he wants to see him!

I'm not sure if he's coming to the christening, we'll see.

DH didn't walk MIL out-I did..he has NO manners. I didn't hug or kiss her and she didn't lean in.

ALright I have to run, but that's the sum of it, GRR

[newmommy]

I have to add that she never calls DS by his name(after my dad)....just nicknames.............today he was "my monkey":rolleyes:

[newmommy]

I did something awful.....

FOr some reason I checked DH's email---------I know,I know--AWFUL!!!!

Anyway I found an e-mail from his mom saying: tell your sister that something came up, and that's why you couldn't come by for Easter, I'll explain later....


UMMMMMMMMMMM WHAT??????????????? SIL didn't visit DS with her mom the day before Easter-or call for Easter. Neither did FIL........but why is his mother telling lies?? She seems to be in denial about everything, and is covering everything up--she must not have told anyone that I called her about Easter. I feel like everything is festering, not getting resolved, and his mother keeps playing dumb and making excuses to keep some sort of peace?

I need some advice, do I tell DH waht I did? How will this ever get resolved???


Oh BTW dh, is just ignoring this whole situation, and doesn't want to talk much about it....

I'm wondering if it's me making things worse??? Please help!


TIA