Brides without Moms

[maplekitty]

I had this thread going on the other site and it was very helpful for me at certain times. Of course this is also open to any ladies out there who are missing their moms.

For me, I think the hardest part about planning a wedding without my mom, has been feeling very alone in the process. A wedding is traditionally a very "mother-daughter" event, and there are so many things that a mom's input is appreciated.
My FMIL came with me to pick out my wedding dress and I was so grateful for her to do that, she even cried when I picked "the one". But at the same time, it just wasn't the same, you know?
I know there are a lot of things my mom would be doing and helping out with if she were still here. She was a fabulous cook, and I know she'd be right in there baking and cooking things for the event, and she was so crafty that I know she'd so excited about all the DIY stuff. But there are also smaller things that I feel like I've missed out on. Usually an engagment party is held by the parents of the bride, and we didn't have one. And usually an announcement is put in the paper, so of course I'd feel weird doing it myself. There's also the girly things that I really miss that I can't do, like going to get our nails done together, or picking out her outfit, or her choosing the flower for her corsage...these are all things that I really miss not being able to do with her because I know she'd be so excited to do them. I can almost imagine her face during all these "outtings" and I know exactly what her smile would be like.

Anyways, that's my slightly depressing ramblings...please if anyon else is feeling the same way, come in and share your feelings and stories!

[angelraven]

I was a mom-less bride. It was really hard and was a very emotional thing for me to go through. My mom had been gone just over two years, so it wasn't that long. I felt depressed when I would read my friends' journals and hear about all the fun mother-daughter things they got to do with their moms. They had moms to plan to plan showers and to go shopping with. They had moms to get their hair and makeup done with. They had moms to hug them when they were upset about their FH's not wanting to help. But I didn't. I went through quite a few moments where I felt extremely sorry for myself, but then I remembered that I was marrying my best friend and that it wasn't supposed to be a sad event. I began to slowly allow myself to enjoy planning and I got other female influences involved. It wasn't the same but at least I wasn't alone. There was still a lot of sadness, and even on that day I had a breakdown because she wasn't there. I don't know about you, but I talk to my mom all the time still, and that day I did a lot. Once I did, I felt a little better. I know she was there in spirit, watching her baby girl get married and enjoying the happiest moment of her life thus far. I'll never stop missing her or thinking about all the things that she's missing, but just know that you're not alone and your mom IS there, even though you can't see her.

[alibaba]

I'm sorry you feel so alone in the planning process. But like angelraven said, your mom has been with your through this whole process watching and smiling down. :)

My mom passed about a month shy of my wedding. Which was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. So I did have my mom for most of my planning which was a blessing. She was able to help me pick out my dress and the reception site. But in the last months leading up to the wedding she wasn't able to help me much because she was getting more and more ill from the cancer. She almost didn't make it to my bridal shower but she forced herself to go. Later that night she went into the hospital and never came home again. :( Thankfully we had our priest come to the hospital and marry us infront of my mom and a few family members. So she did get her wish to see her daughter married but she wasn't very coherent but I know she knew what was going on.
I'm crying as I'm writing this....sigh. The hardest thing was being in the same church a month later having my wedding thinking the last time we were here was for her funeral. But she must have knew I was feeling sad because what once was a very overcast day turned out to be sunny right as we were saying our vows. All of a sudden a burst of sun came shining through the top of the church. I felt her with me, it was as if she was telling me not to be sad and enjoy my day with the man of my dreams. Surprisingly after that I held up great. Still to this day my husband is amazed and how great I handled myself.

I know it's a bit different for me because I did have my mom for most of my planning. All I can say is try to feel your mom with you at every moment, she'll be around when you least expect it. ((((HUGS)))) to you!

[MiCo]

I lost my mom 12 yrs ago this September 11th (nice day, huh). Anyway, I was married almost 2 yrs. ago and it was difficult. I remember when all my other girlfriends were getting married and b*tching about their mother's and how hard that was to hear. I'm sure there would have been moments that my mom would have drove me crazy too but I didn't get to experience any of it with her. I have a great MIL and aunts that have all stepped in but as you all know, it just isn't the same. I remember really missing her at my bridal shower. I'm not sure if it was due to the setting being more intimate and her not being there so obvious :confused: I didn't seem to have as tough of a time the day of the wedding (I too had a stormy morning and a beautiful afternoon).

I have to say that the time has eased my pain. The flip side to that is that the time has also dulled my memories a bit. I can't hear her voice or see her body language or remember the feel of her hugs as well. I just have to believe that she is always with me and my children or I would go crazy.

[Candy]

I lost my mom to cancer almost 10 years ago. Planning my wedding was difficult, but the birth of my daughter 4 months ago was even harder. During my pregnancy I missed my mom so much! It's going to be tough raising Maya without her.

The pain has eased, but there are days still that are very emotional.

Hmmm, how to type quotes?
Anyway, I couldn't have said this better MiCo:

I have to say that the time has eased my pain. The flip side to that is that the time has also dulled my memories a bit. I can't hear her voice or see her body language or remember the feel of her hugs as well. I just have to believe that she is always with me and my children or I would go crazy.

[MiCo]

Candylnd02: I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 5 yr. old and a 6 month old and I agree that pregnancy and birth were very difficult to go through w/o my mom. The wedding was hard but I think that was even harder :(

Sometimes I look at my boys and think about how much my mom would be spoiling them and enjoying them and it breaks my heart. My 5 yr. old understands to an extent and will ask me questions. I just feel so bad that my boys will never know her.

~Anne

[Tracie]

I was a bride without a mom. I had lost my mom to breast cancer two years before my wedding. It was hard to plan a wedding without my mother. Well, in some ways. I know there were some issues that my mom and I would not have seen eye to eye on, and I was glad not to have to argue about them. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. (I know that guilt is something that has plagued me since she got sick.)

I made sure my mother was honored at my wedding by lighting a candle during the ceremony and we did a dollar dance with the proceeds going to breast cancer research.

I know it's going to be even harder when I have kids. I love my MIL, but it's not the same.

[framboise]

I lost my mom to cancer just over 8 years ago. My FH and I are getting married next July. We're not that far into the planning, but I know that as things get more organized, it's going to continue to be difficult. In particular, I've been thinking about dress shopping. I don't know who to bring with me & am almost considering going alone but I think that may actually be more difficult. My FMIL is great, but lives far away, and my MOH's mom is so excited about the wedding & planning so they are "substitutes" in a way. Of course, it's not the same at all, as you ladies can relate.

I miss my mom terribly and although I have learned to live with the way things are, I would give almost anything to have her around. I know she'll be with me at my wedding, just like she is everyday, but I can't help wishing that I could see her as well as she can see me.

My thoughts are with all of you. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[MiCo]

Tracie: I have felt the same way in regards to guilt. It's hard to explain and doesn't really come out right if I try to verbalize. Thank you for being honest and helping me realize I'm not alone.


~Anne

[Sazoo]

Man...I was already a little bit emotional because it's "that time of the month"...& then I came in here & read all of these posts & totally lost it! :o Let's see how many tissues I go through before I finish my post... :rolleyes:

Anyway, I was a bride without a mom too when I got married almost a year ago. My mom passed away 10 years ago. During my wedding planning I often got sad when I'd think about how much fun she & I would have had planning together, & even more sad when I'd think ahead to our wedding day & not having her there to share our special day.

Besides our actual wedding day, the 2 hardest pre-wedding activities when I missed her most were the day I went for my first dress fitting (none of my friends were available to come with me, so at the last minute FMIL offered to come because she didn't want me to go alone), & my bridal shower. My bridal shower was really nice - my MOH did a great job hosting the shower - but it really made me sad to not have a single family member there at the party (my grandma wasn't able to make it, & my step-mom lives out of state & wasn't able to come either). I think not having ANY family at my shower made my mom's absence feel even more noticeable to me, in a way.

For my wedding day I wanted to carry something with me to remind me of her, plus I wanted to recognize her publicly in some way during our ceremony. I ended up having my seamstress sew a little cz pendant onto the bodice of my dress (it belonged to my mom), & I carried a single yellow rose down the aisle in addition to my bouquet (it was her favorite flower). I put the rose in a bud vase next to my candle before the ceremony began. We also put a mention in our programs of my mom & all of our other relatives who were with us only in spirit that day. I did pretty well on my wedding day, except just before I walked down the aisle when my dad asked me what the yellow rose was for. OMG, that was NOT the time to ask me that question, when I was on the verge of tears already! :eek:

Anyway. I definitely went through some sad moments before & during our wedding when I'd think of my mom & wish so much that she could be here to share these special experiences with me, but I did find comfort in the fact that I knew she'd be SO happy for me & so proud of me if she were here...which she was really, even if it was only in my heart.

Now I get sad when I think about future life milestones she's going to miss in my life, like when DH & I have children. It makes me sad that my kids will never know their grandma, but I am determined to find ways to share my memories of her with them any way that I can.

Question for you ladies - if any of you have step-moms, or now MILs, do you (or do you plan to after your wedding) call them "mom"? I know a lot of people call their in-laws "mom" & "dad" after they get married, but I've told my DH & my MIL that I'm probably never going to call MIL mom. I have a mom (even if she isn't here anymore in person). I think the fact that she's gone makes me even more reluctant to "share" that name with any other female parental figure in my life. Anyone else feel that way? I assured DH & MIL that it's nothing personal - I love my MIL & we get along great. I just want to reserve that special name for my special mom, ya know? ;)

[kristin9903]

My mom died almost 10 years ago, too. Planning the wedding wasn't too bad, since I had lots of friends and my stepmom to help, but the actual wedding day was really hard for me. To honor her, I did some things that were pretty private for me, because I wanted to keep that separate from the actual wedding day. I put a single stem of gladiola (her favorite flower) on the stained glass window that was dedicated to her at our church and our kneeler was a quilt that my stepmother had made out of my mom's wedding dress. Everything was fine until my dad (grrrrr) said, "Her mother and I" when the pastor asked the "Who gives this woman" question. It was something I asked him not to do, for my own sanity, but he did it anyway. I bawled through the entire ceremony. Thank goodness for waterproof mascara!

Sazzoo I have a stepmother and a MIL and I call both by their first names, for the exact reason you mentioned. I have a mom, one that I love very much, regardless of the fact that she is no longer living. To me, that's become a very sacred term. My father hates that I refuse to do this, and has referred to my stepmom as my "replacement mother." Luckily, my stepmother has been just fabulous about it. I explained it to my MIL before DH and I got married, and she's totally cool with it, too.

[Sazoo]

My father hates that I refuse to do this, and has referred to my stepmom as my "replacement mother."OMG, really? NO WAY would that fly with me - like you said, I have a mom whom I love very much, even if she's not living anymore. My step-mom is great & we get along fabulously, but she is in no way a replacement for my real mom. Luckily my dad didn't get remarried until I was in my late 20's (my parents got divorced when I was a kid & they both dated other people while I was growing up, but neither of them ever remarried until my dad did a few years ago), so my step-mom really hasn't been much of a parental figure in my life because I was already an adult when she joined our family. So we're more like good friends, which works just fine for me.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in the way I feel about calling other people "mom". ;)

[Tracie]

MiCo I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt that way!

Sazoo I could never call my MIL "Mom." It feels disrespectful to my real mom. Luckily my MIL has never asked me to or anything. I think she would understand.

[alibaba]

I too can't bring myself to call my MIL 'mom'. I know DH understands but at the same time I know he'd love for me to call her mom. My DH starting calling my parents mom and dad while we were still dating so to him he didn't see it as a big deal. Everyone is different I guess. So I stick with calling them by their first names. ;)

[MiCo]

I just wrote out this huge reply and then accidentally deleted it:( Anyway, what I was saying in it was that I don't think I could ever call anyone else Mom. I love my MIL but it would just seem forced.

I do have a tendancy to befriend women that are close to my Mom's age. Not sure if it has to do with losing her when I was 17 and now wanting to have an adult relationship with a motherly figure or what. Does anyone else have a tendancy to do this? I tend to feel a bit guilty about it, but I do enjoy having that motherly influence in my life. It makes me feel so loved and cared for.

Thank you to everyone that has shared their story, it really is helpful to hear them.

~Anne

[chiffani]

I have been "momless" since I was 13 months old when a young boy tried to commit suicide and drove head-on into my mom's car. I didn't know my mom besides stories and photographs. My dad remarried but I never got along with my stepmom. I have always called her mom because she insisted (b!tch! lol) but don't plan to include her in very many special things for the wedding. That may sound harsh but I miss my mom and wish she could be there to help me instead :(

Thanks for sharing your stories ladies.. I've been having a hard time with the fact that she won't be there for the big day.

[framboise]

Oh my gosh, Chiffani! Your story is so tragic! I can barely believe it, what a horrible thing! I hope that you are able to get through your wedding planning and the actual day with the guidance of other strong women in your life. Don't feel bad about not including your step-mom exactly as you would your own mom. How you include her is your choice, not hers.

Like everyone else said, I would not call anyone else "mom". I call my FMIL and my dad's wife by their first names which seems to be fine with them as well. Like Sazoo, my dad didn't remarry until I was an adult so his wife hasn't been a mother to me in any way. Maybe it's childish of me, but I don't even refer to her as a step-mother. She's just my dad's wife.