Is Married Life Really like this?

[luv2read]

I'm going through a lot right now and I really think I'm going crazy. My mom even suggested I go to my doctor and see if I could get on some kind of hormones or something to make me feel better. My mom only knows some of the things that I'm going through since there are only so many things that I can talk about w/ my mom. I'm using this thread to vent, to ask advice, and I guess just to finally talk about everything that I'm going through. I apologize in advance for it being long but I really have no one to talk to since most of my friends husbands are really good friends w/ my husband. Anyway like I said I'm going crazy. I get angry, I yell, I throw things, I can't stand the sight of my husband, and I often fantisize about running away and just leaving it all behind.
Here's a little back ground to start things off. I met my husband when I was 17, he moved to Phx, AZ when I was 18 and when I was 19 I moved with him. We got married 2 years later and when I was 23 we were granted full custody of his 7 year old twins. I am currently trying to concieve and I say I because my husband doesn't seem to have any intrest. He says he wants a baby with me but I feel since he already has his two it really doesn't matter if we ever concieve or not. We've been trying for the last year on a half and it's been really stressful. Right now I really don't know how I will ever get pregnant because like I said I can't stand the sight of him and to actually do the deed? Yah Right! I am so turned off by him, he farts on me, burps (at the table may I add), only shaves once a week and these are only the things that really annoy me and turn me off. He has also started this kid way of talking, it's like I have three 9 year olds instead of 2. He even talks like that in bed, is that supposed to be sexy? Lately I'm the one who cuddles next to him, I'm the one to kiss him, I'm the one to hold is hand, to give him huggs, good morning and good night kisses, I don't know if we would do any of this if it wasn't for me initiating it.
I think what's making it so much worse is I started reading books my Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook, Message in a bottle ect) and the characters in those books are so in love, the men are so romantic, and I want that. I know that they're just characters in a book but does love like that really excist, are there really relationships like that?

[Cohl]

Have you talked to your husband about what is bothering you? I know when I watch the Notebook and movies like that I tend to be a little jealous. I wish my husband was the romantic, sweep me off my feet sort of guy. He's not though, and I knew that when I married him. I find that when I tell him about certain things that he does that drive me nuts, he tries to fix what he can. Also, I wonder why you want to have a baby with someone you currently can't stand the sight of. I am not trying to offend you at all, but parenting is much easier when you have a solid relationship. I don't know what I would do without having my husband to back me up and/or relieve me when I need him. If I were you, I would either seek counseling or really sit down and talk to your husband about what is botheing you (or both). Being pregnant and having a baby are not easy. Having the support of your husband and feeling loved and supported in your relationship would make the journey SO much easier. I wish you the best and I hope you can work through these feelings you are having.

[Georgiana]

I can't stand the sight of him and to actually do the deed? Yah Right! I am so turned off by him, he farts on me, burps (at the table may I add), only shaves once a week and these are only the things that really annoy me and turn me off. ?

This sound like my FH.. His farting and belching around others is the sickest thing to me. He thinks it's funny and I told him it's not and asked him to stop doing it around me. This is one of the issues that turns me off about him. He is not the most groomed person now -not sure why it's changed and the smell of his skin ( being very oily ) makes me throw up. So I can't stand to kiss him. His teeth -due to his constant chain smoking (I smoke too but not nearly as bad as he does) . His hands are filthly alothough he cleans them all the time -he needs to scrub them because he works with machine parts and oil... He claims he has "working man's hands" Whatever......
I know marriages are not picture perfect and there are quirks that each of us have. But there is some common sense and coutesy that must one use in a marriage. But sometimes I think that he does this to repulse me enough to the point that I would leave. If he wants me to, then he should tell me so and not be a freaking kid about it.

Hope things work for the best for you.

[ejs]

First, please don't have a baby with this man if this is how you are feeling. It would be completely unfair to the child.

I think your mom was right in suggesting you get help, but perhaps it should be counseling and not hormones.

If the romance novels are making your feel poorly about your relationship, stop reading them. It isn't fair to compare your DH or your marriage to a fictional book or scenario.

[Millie03]

I understand in part what you are saying. I think women really need the romance sometimes. BUT I think that romance novels and movies are very unrealistic, and sometimes create a false expectation. My husband is not the most romantic person in the world. He tries sometimes but he is not very good at it. However, I know he loves me and he is endlessly patient with me and he would drop everything if I needed him. I would not trade him for all the romance heroes in the world. I have had relationships in the past where my bf was very romantic and brought me flowers, made grand gestures,etc., but it really was a cover for several other inadequacies in our relationship. One bf I found out had been lying to me for a long time, and the other ended very suddenly with no warning.

What I am trying to say is that you should really try and talk to him about how you are feeling and explain to him what your needs are. He is not a mind reader and probably doesn't know/understand what is bothering you. Relationships are not all hearts and roses all of the time and they take time and communication. And you have to forgive yourself (and him) for the amount of stress you are under. Trying to conceive and having twins to raise IS stressful and that could be tainting a lot of what you are feeling. Just remember that you need to talk to him, and give him a chance to explain/understand what is going on and how he feels as well. Maybe he really does care about having a child and there are some signals you are misunderstanding. Give him a chance.

Sorry for the rambling. Good luck! And remember the only constant thing is life is change....

[Wrighty26]

What you are experiencing now is married life. Actually, it's any long term relationship. There are up and downs, there are times when you cannot stand the person you love so much, and there are times when you think to yourself, "It cannot get better than this." What you are experiencing is NORMAL.

The thing about being married-- or being in a long term relationship-- is that there is no right and wrong. There are no guidelines saying how well your marriage is going-- you cannot compare it to anyone else's marriage.

The MOST important thing for you to do is talk to your husband. He is YOUR family and he should be the one person you SHOULD be talking to about this.

I wish you all the best :)

[IrisHope]

I think it's very important to talk to your husband about what's bothering you. I also think you really need to put the baby making on hold until your relationship with DH gets better. Having a baby adds a lot of stress to a relationship so if the foundation isn't sturdy it will not be able to hold up during the hard times (and as cute as babies are it is a very difficult journey).

I would suggest you seek counseling right away. With or without him.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

I am wondering if your H. hasn't got some type of case of clinical depression or an organic physical problem that's caused his change in behavior and appearance?

You should get him to a doctor; he's neglecting his appearance and his health and his behavior isn't quite appropriate -- it's a bit bizzare.

I would stop TTC until you get to the bottom of what's happening here with him. Good luck.

[Asha]

have these disgusting behaviors just started happening or has always done this?

also blended families are very difficult to begin with and i am sure this is adding to your stress load. maybe there is a support group in your area that you could join to get advice from others in a samilar situation like your's being a blended family.

[miel]

I once read a book about marriage and it said that sometimes you will actually HATE your spouse. I can't remember what book it was! But that was good to know--you will hate the person you are married to...everyone will...this is normal. Marriage is about commitment, not about feeling totally adoring and passionate all the time.

I do believe that there are cycles in relationships, and especially in marriage, where the person is not your thing. I ride them out and I'm sure he does, too! I think he puts up with as much as I do!

I think books like the Notebook and stuff have nothing to do with real life. They are NOTHING like real life. In fact, they are very distorted and warped. For one thing, many of those stories are about unrequited or unfulfilled love--which tend to always be perfect. Of course! Because it is all in your head! What relationship can't be perfect that way?

Barf. Think about romances--Gone with the wind, the English Patient, the Horse Whisperer, Bridges of Madison County--these people never EVER commit and stick with each other. They never have the challenge of loving the whole person day in and day out.

I am glad that I rarely actually feel HATE for my husband. Yes, he grosses me out sometimes. Sometimes I am not into him, etc., etc. People do burp and fart! People do act stupid! All people. No one is perfect. When I think "ick" about my husband I know that is about ME and not about him. I also think--I married the guy because life isn't a fantasy and you make a promise to stick with the person. If everything was a wonderful dream, you wouldn't need marriage. Marriage is--I will stay with you even when you drive me nuts.

That said, it is good to let your spouse now what is beyond the pale and what you can't stand so they will quit it. When I was pregnant my husband's breath really bothered me. I was so sensitive to smells. Ater that, he gargled like a fiend, brushed a million times a day and actually his breath has been great since then. So it's OK to tell someone, in a kind and serious way--hey, this grosses me out/freaks me out, etc.

I'd say--give your husband a chance to change. Millions of chances, actually. If he seems like he wants to make you happy, that is the thing that matters.

You are pretty young, I think. I don't think your biological clock is running out (like mine is!) You might want to see a doctor to make sure everything is OK. But I think you will conceive. My cousin took so long to get pregnant. Sometimes it just takes a while.

Stress makes us nuts. I yell at my husband and act like a total loon sometimes. My job is absurdly stressful. If it gets to be too much it is not a bad idea to get help.

Good luck. Sorry for the stress you are going through! I will keep a good thought for you to conceive!

[Wrighty26]

I think books like the Notebook and stuff have nothing to do with real life. They are NOTHING like real life. In fact, they are very distorted and warped. For one thing, many of those stories are about unrequited or unfulfilled love--which tend to always be perfect. Of course! Because it is all in your head! What relationship can't be perfect that way?

Barf. Think about romances--Gone with the wind, the English Patient, the Horse Whisperer, Bridges of Madison County--these people never EVER commit and stick with each other. They never have the challenge of loving the whole person day in and day out.

Word!

[curlyjr]

I guess I'm the oddball here. My husbans burps and farts and doesn't shave at times, but then again, what person, including women doesn't? I read romance novels and I think my hubby is just as sweet if not sweeter in his own way as these guys and I'm actually glad the BS that goes on in these books does not happen in my life. I agree that a baby might not be the best thing at this time but I also think you might need to cut the guy some slack. Mt husband comes home from work covered in dirst and oil because of his job and though he tries it does not completely come off at times but he is doing it to support me and make something of himself. I think if you are repelled by him, it might be something a bit deeper than bodily functions and hygeine.

[jimmysgirl424]

I guess I'm the oddball here. My husbans burps and farts and doesn't shave at times, but then again, what person, including women doesn't? I read romance novels and I think my hubby is just as sweet if not sweeter in his own way as these guys and I'm actually glad the BS that goes on in these books does not happen in my life. I agree that a baby might not be the best thing at this time but I also think you might need to cut the guy some slack. Mt husband comes home from work covered in dirst and oil because of his job and though he tries it does not completely come off at times but he is doing it to support me and make something of himself. I think if you are repelled by him, it might be something a bit deeper than bodily functions and hygeine.



ITA with this statement. My DH does these things too (which are, after all, normal bodily functions). Unfortunately, when you are married to someone, you do learn to accept these things! IMO, most men think that farting and burping are absolutely hilarious and often think they should "share the wealth". (a good example...my DH thinks it great to fart while we are in bed and then pull the covers over my head....YUCK!! :rolleyes: )

DH is a letter carrier. He comes home dirty and sweaty every day, usually in desperate need of a shower. I still hug him and kiss him though...because he is out there busting his a$$ to provide for both of us and make sure we are happy!

I would definitely recommend NOT trying to conceive with your DH until you explore the issues that are making you have these feelings toward him. I think a therapist would be a very good idea!

[Georgiana]

It's wonderful that you think your husband is sweet... But all relationships are different and what is accecptable in one relationship probably is not accecptable in another. I do not accecpt nastiness on any level. That is not to say my FH needs to be perfect but he needs to improve on cleanliness because since we got together, it has fallen to the wayside. I don't think that anyone here is stating that they don't fart and belch -it's all about manners and courtesy... A lack of common manners is not good for some grown ass man to be having. If he was a kid, it would be a different story... If there are no manners and courtesty, there is no respect. If it's not curbed now, it will only get worse.
My FH works 12 hours a day M-F and 6 on Saturdays for the same reasons your DH does and I still expect him to be curteous and have manners just because he works that much does not expempt him from being clean, neat, cuteous and have manners. It ain't gonna happen. I work as much as he does and only to come home to put in more hours and I some how seem to have manners and be curteous -not to mention keep a neat appearance.

[Wrighty26]

I was just wondering jimmysgirl424 andcurlyjr-- How long have you guys been in your relationships with your husbands? I'm just curious :)

[curlyjr]

A little over 2 years.

[jenji]

I'd have to echo what several of the other girls have said

1) talk to him. talk talk talk. it's sometimes the most painful thing to do, but I've learned that nothing gets accomplished if you can't talk to DH about it and vice versa

2) please don't TTC with him until you get these things straightened out.

I know sometimes I go through times when I'm just extra hormonal or stressed out and everything DH does annoys me, and I think that's normal, but it shouldn't be an all-the-time thing.
Many people are uncomfortable thinking about it, but honestly counseling has MANY benefits. Going to counseling doesn't mean you're weak or that you are crazy or that your relationship is doomed. It can be a GREAT help and offer you many tools for equipping you to get through this.

I hope things turn around soon

[rosa727]

I'm throwing my 2 cents in here...

I agree with all of the others here that you really should wait to TTC until you are feeling better about the relationship.

I also agree with everyone else that reading those romantic stories and then comparing your REAL LIFE husband is a waste of time and sure to make you unhappy. Maybe some people feel that their husbands are even better than those characters because their husbands happen to be very romantic types. However, many men are not overly romantic types and that means absolutely nothing about how much they love their wife. My husband, for example, is not super romantic. However, he has taught me that it is often the people that only say "I love you" when they really mean it and are feeling it that love you the most. The fact that he is not always romantic makes the times when he is romantic all the more special.

Romance does not make a marriage (not that it isn't good to have sometimes) - being there for each other every single day is what makes a strong relationship - supporting one another, respecting one another, growing with one another, and loving one another. There are many ways to show love that are not typically "romantic". I am a huge romantic, so this has been a difficult but very valuable lesson to learn. Many of the most romantic men I have known are actually cheaters (ovbiously not all are - no offense to those of you with super romantic husbands). What matters is the day in and out, not the few elaborate gestures.

BTW - my husband is totally a "guy's guy" and often does some of those gross things, but I actually find them endearing - I like when he comes home dirty after work - I think he looks hot :D And I have been living with him for almost 7 years!

[greenbunny]

I agree about waiting to TTC.

I will say that my husband is romantic, but I still do often feel repulsed by some of his habits. Guys are just dirty, I think. He refuses to floss his teeth because he has a permanent retainer and he doens't brush well either--I find that gross. He also has dandruff that he doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about. There are other things, too.

He makes it a point of pride, too--like if I say anything about these things, he'll accuse me of being shallow and sanctimoniously remind me that "looks don't matter". I think he's confusing looks with hygiene. :confused:

[DiscoDiva]

Books and movies aren't real life. Period. If you base expectations on them, you will always be disappointed.

DH may not shave everyday, but he doesn't complain when I don't shave my legs.
DH may fart on me, but he won't make an issue if I fart sometimes.
DH may not shower or wash his hair sometimes, but he still hugs and kisses me when I'm sick and haven't taken a shower in two days.
DH may not shower me with flowers and candy, but he is a good man who loves me and takes care of me, and he busts his butt everyday to take care of us and our home.
DH may not always look perfect, but he doesn't complain when I walk around the house in an old t-shirt with holes in it.

Forget the romance and flowers, I'll stick with my DH anytime!

[rosa727]

DiscoDiva: I think you put it perfectly. I completely agree with you. If my DH stopped doing any of those "quirky" thing and became a character in a book, he wouldn't be him. And I picked him over every guy on the earth to marry for a reason!