Ways to tell infertile friends about your pregnancy

[Aletheia]

I'm 6 weeks, and we don't plan on telling anyone for at least another month, but my DH and I live with a housemate who last year (at 26!) had to have a complete hysterectomy due to uterine cancer.

Does anyone have any advice about how to tell her we're expecting, when the time comes? Obviously I'll make it as low key as possible. I just want to be as prepared as possible. I know it will be painful news, but there is no way a growing belly will be able to be kept secret.

Thanks.

[looch]

That's a tough one. Nothing cutesy. I would just be honest about it, and tell her you're expecting. Good luck, and a h&h 9 months to you!

[mia's mama]

SO hard...I have been on both sides and there is no easy way to tell the news, no easy way to hear it. I had several friends and a SIL get PG very easily after DH and I had been trying for a year, and had had 3 miscarriages...it was really hard to hear. OF COURSE we were thrilled for them, but the first reaction is one of jealousy and envy. It was easiest for me to hear the news via email- that way I could process the info, take a day or 2 to adjust to the news, and give them a call with genuine good wishes and excitement.

This time around, we got pregnant the first time we tried, and at nearly 12 weeks, it looks all is well this time. We have friends who have been trying for 18 months with 2 miscarriages and still no subsequent pregnancy. I seriously made myself sick over worrying how I was going to break the news. It was getting to the point where I was avoiding talking to them because I didn't want to have to share our "happy" news. I finally left them a voice message (just 2 days ago) saying hello, and letting them know that our DD will be a big Sis later in the year, assuming all goes well. I told them we were keeping our fingers crossed that this pregnancy would be healthy, and that we are thinking of them, hoping they are doing well. I told them we would be around all weekend if they felt like getting together, but that if they wern't up to it, we would totally understand that too.

Luckily she called me back the next day and left a very kind message, saying how happy they are for us.

DH thinks that both email and a voice mail are cop-outs, but I really do think it's easier to deal with if the pregnant party isn't in front of your face to see your reaction.

[Scooter]

You're worrying about it, so that's a sign you're a caring friend. I think it's important to honor her feelings, keep it low-key like you said, and let her know it's ok with you no matter how she reacts. There's only so much a person can be in control of her feelings, so she may go through a range of emotions. Email or telling her in private can be a good choice so she can process the news without feeling any pressure to act a certain way. But if you email, try to make a date for you to meet up and talk about it and how your friendship will be from now on. It will change things, so it's important to be open about it. And remember that if she gets upset, it's probably because it brings up all her own sadness and fears, and it doesn't mean she's not happy for you.

Just please don't keep it a secret from her & tell other people first to "protect" her--that's even worse.

[flygirl]

I, too, have been on both ends of the news, though not quite to this extent. When I got my BFP, one of my best friends had been trying for well over a year. Then I m/cd, and she got her BFP about 6 weeks later. She was OK with my news, but hers, while I was ecstatic for her, sent me into a week-long depression.

The question is, how at peace is your housemate with her situation? Does she continue to mourn her loss? Has she accepted her alternative choices to motherhood? Also, what's your relationship to her? If you're somewhat close & she has accepted her situation, don't underestimate her. She will most likely be very happy for you. In fact, if you tell her before you tell others, she may appreciate being a confidant. I could see taking her out for a celebratory dinner and making *her* the foucs more than you.

Actually, I think letting her in on the news before anyone else may help smooth the way.

[tigerest]

This is not an easy situation. I have been the receiver of such news many times, and I think I have cried each time. Not that I am not happy for them, because I would never wish IF on anyone, but its the reminder that hurts.

I think it is great that you are thinking about this. I would just sit her down just the two of you, and tell her. Be honest as well, tell her you know it might be hard for her and that you understand. If she looks stunned or speechless maybe give her a hug. Just dont take it personally if she gets upset, she is only mourning her own loss.

Best of luck to you!

[Aletheia]

Ladies, what powerful and helpful advice. I know I will do a better job at telling her than I would have had I not submitted a post on this subject.

I especially like the ideas of telling her via e-mail and telling her early-- she's with her family through the end of the month, and I know she and her mom are really close. So maybe I'll tell her this week. I'll ask DH.

Thanks again.

[ShelbyMay]

I hope it is okay to post this here -- I certainly don't mean to rub this in anyone's face -- but I thought maybe you all could give me some advice.

DH and I have a 13-month-old daughter, and are thinking about trying for a #2. I can't claim to have greatly struggled with IF, although it took us about a year to conceive DD, we were able to do so without medical assistance. She is an incredible blessing.

We have siblings on both sides of our family who are dealing with much more significant struggles. One has suffered multiple miscarriages, and the other has been TTC for 2 years with no BFP.

I know that, while they wish us the best, it would not be easy for them to hear news of our pregnancy (if we are able to conceive #2). What I am wondering is, is there any good way to tell them when/if the time comes? Is there a way that you would prefer over all others? Would you be more hurt by a big public announcement, or would it be worse if you were the last to know?

Again, I hope it's not insensitive to ask this here. I thought you would all be able to give me honest answers on this matter.

[jennylou]

Thinking back to when I was struggling the first time, I think it's awful to do a big public announcement. I actually would prefer it through email, as my best friend did. I was able to be sad for a little bit for myself and then send on my congratulations. I didn't have to put on an initial fake face. I was able to wade through my feelings and then be happy for her. In contrast, there was a very public announcement of a close friend who only had a nine month old and she announced it was horrible for me. I couldn't excuse myself and yet it felt like I was kicked in the stomach.

I also wouldn't have wanted to be the last to know. When my bil/sil finally got pregnant after 2.5 years of ttc, they made the rounds to the family to announce in person. This was very shortly after we lost our son and were going to start clomid again. I appreciated that we knew right away, and that they were sensitive in telling us.

[jen]

As someone who is dealing with this now (had my diagnostic blood tests yesterday after my 3rd m/c in 6 months, and it seems every single friend is pregnant!), here is my 2 cents:

I think first and foremost acknowledging the person's struggles is important. I had a very close friend email me 3 days after I told her of my 2nd miscarriage to say she was pregnant. While I'm very happy for her, it STUNG, and it made me angry that she KNEW what I was currently going through, and it didn't seem to matter. If she had started off the email saying "I know this is bad timing, and I'm sorry for what you are going through......" I think I wouldn't have been so ticked off. No matter what, it's going to hurt..... but if you make a point of telling the person in private..whether in person or over email, and be sensitive, I think they would appreciate it.

Good luck!!

[mcgwigan]

I do like the sensitive email idea since it does give the recipient time to digest the information in (hopefully) privacy. It took DH & I 2 yrs and 5 IUIs to conceive and my brother-in-law & his wife have also been struggling to conceive. I decided to call my SIL on the phone to tell her once my MIL knew because they live just down the road from each other and see each other kind of regularly. I didn't want her to find out through the grapevine and then wonder why I hadn't told her. She had a good reaction and just asked lots of questions about our successful protocol which I didn't mind at all!

[Chelsea524]

I just had this happen about a week ago. We have been TTC for about a year and a half, I had a feeling SIL was going to start TTC pretty soon, she has always said she wants her kids 2-3 yrs apart and her youngest is about 1 1/2 so I asked if she was going to start trying soon (we are very open with each other about this usually) and she said no, not for another year. I was simply trying to prepare myself for her to get pg right away like she has in the past. Well, a month later she just announced she is pregnant, I was so hurt the fact that she lied to me about it when she knew we were having problems and I was just trying to prepare myself. She was very sensitive in the way she told us, it was very low key but I wish it would have been by email because it took all I had not to burst into tears in front of her, I felt so awful because I had to excuse myself to go in the bathroom and cry, I just wish I had a little warning.

[laura]

I would like people to respect the fact that I am not an idiot, and I don't need to be treated with "kid gloves" or avoided. For me I would just like to know, and I would like it to not seem like everyone else already knows and no one could figure out the right way to tell me. It is a happy occasion, and I am mature enough to be happy for the person (though admittedly, my actual feelings vary based on the person :p). I will digest the news privately in my own way, when I get the chance.

I will say, though, that for the most part I am pretty de-sensitized at this point, and I have never been an extremely emotional person. If people are open and honest without being condescending, I can respect their happiness and even share in it.

[Sue]

My SIL has been trying for over 18 months (in her mind... much more to the story) and she gets very emotional and angry when she hears that someone else is PG. We will be TTC starting next month and I'm concerned how she will react once we are PG. She knows when we are starting and I am dreading the moment we tell her, but you all have given me some great ideas on how to approach her.

[taffers]

I guess the answer will always depend on the person, but I think email is by FAR the best way to go. Just as everyone has said, it gives the person the ability to take in the news and deal with it privately. For me, someone who barely has any friends left who are not pregnant or had a baby within the time we've been ttc, it is SO much easier to just respond back to an email, "congrats!" and then talk to them on my own time.

A few of my best friends called to tell me they were pg, and I know they probably thought email was too impersonal, but I would have SO much rather found out via email. I had to feign happiness PLUS talk about it for 5-10 minutes, while all I wanted to do was cry. It's not that you're not happy for them, but it just reminds you of your own situation and how unfair it is!

You are clearly a thoughtful person though in that you are even asking about this.

[suzfuzsunflower]

I would tell them in private. It took us 2 years to conceive our son.

After we had been trying for almost 2 years, our friends conceived 2 cycles after trying. They knew about our struggle, and made a public annoucement with us present. I was happy for them, but at the time was shocked. It hurt badly.

[pocahontas]

Sorry for the brief *HIJACK* but I just had to say...SUZ!!! Your son is SOOOOOOOOOO adorable I just wanna hug and squeeze him! ;) I don't say this often but what a beautiful baby!

Agreeing with most the other posters who have been through the mill with TTC just like myself. It was 17 months for us...I saw people get knocked up on "accident" :rolleyes:, without trying, and on the first or second try. I had people start trying the same month I did and now have babies that are 8 months old! All of it sucked and since I know a lot of them in passing I'd just read about their babies on line on one of the sites I am a member of. So it was easy to deal with through a computer screen. But one I was very close to I got word via email. Grand entrance announcements in public places would have pissed me off. So definitely something that gives the person time before they have to see you and deal with you on an "in your face" basis is best. You are really a great friend to take these things into consideration. :) There are soooo many who could learn something from your example...

[kristin]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I thought you ladies could offer some insight.

My best friend has been going through IVF (this is her third round). She has two children, the second a successful IVF, and had a failed IVF this past spring. I just learned today that her IVF cycle has been cancelled this month because her meds on not working the way they should.

I found out I was pregnant with my third early August. I feel bad keeping this info from her. I recently moved two hours away, so I could conceivably keep this info from her for awhile (although it is keeping me from visiting her). I'm just wondering if she would be more hurt with me witholding the info from her. Either way I can't imagine how hard it will be for her.

I was right there with her when she went through her first two IVF experiences. I gave her most of her shots because her husband really sucked at it. I already feel guilty for not physically being there for her this time around.

I was really praying she would get pregnant this month. But now her next IVF is scheduled for November and I know I'll be showing by then.

Yesterday she told me that her sister wants to have a third child and that if her sister got pregnant before her she would be devastated. She thinks her sister is holding off on getting pregnant because of her. I feel like a heel for not doing the same.

How and when should I tell her? What would be the easiest way to break the news?

[BTB]

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I thought you ladies could offer some insight.

That's really up to your friend, her personality, and your relationship.

It IS hard for your friend, and it sounds like you've been involved enough to understand that, as well as to have been a big support for her. But it doesn't stop her from being glad for the happiness of others.

Some people say write a letter and send it with flowers - so that the person has time to absorb it, before having to face you. Personally, I find that a bit distant, and would much prefer having a close friend fill me in - ASAP! - in person or on the phone.

How have you told her about your previous two pregnancies? How has she told you about her previous two pregnancies? That should give you some ideas of how to approach this.

Congratulations!

[KrissyCat7]

That's wonderful that you are so sensitive to her feelings. Many women are not as thoughtful as you.

I personally would want to get the news by phone. However, I think everyone has their own preference. I think the most important part is to "break the news" in a sensitive way and to allow your friend to let it sink in whatever way she needs to. Be sensitive to her feelings and dont be offended if she doesnt immediatly seem thrilled.

Again, kudos to you for being such a thoughtful friend.

[karlatta]

Personally, I would want the news in an email or something. Not on the phone or in person. That way I can react however it comes to me, and when I'm done with my sobfest, I can call and offer sincere congratulations.

I also would be hurt by someone withholding the information from me simply due to my infertility. It's one thing if they aren't telling others, or are only telling immediate family or something. But if it's knowledge that they're sharing with everyone else, I'd like to know as well. I appreciate the sentiment behind withholding the information, because I know it's always well-meaning, but it really is hurtful (in my experience, anyway).

[taffers]

I think it's great that you have been so supportive and are trying to be sensitive.

Personally, I would want the news in an email or something. Not on the phone or in person. That way I can react however it comes to me, and when I'm done with my sobfest, I can call and offer sincere congratulations.

I also would be hurt by someone withholding the information from me simply due to my infertility. I appreciate the sentiment behind withholding the information, because I know it's always well-meaning, but it really is hurtful (in my experience, anyway).

I agree with this. I have specifically asked my friends to please NOT tell me in person or on the phone, and to please tell me via email. Otherwise, I have to "pretend" to be happy when I really want to scream and cry.

Also, don't wait...just email her (or however you choose to do it) as soon as possible. I have been really hurt by well-meaning people keeping things from me due to my IF or not inviting me to things.

You sound very sensitive so I'm sure you'll phrase it in a nice way letting her know that you didn't know how to tell her, but you didn't want to keep something from her; you are sensitive to her situation; you understand if she needs some space right now, but you will be right there when she's ready.

[tenofcups]

I guess it really does depend on the person. I would not want to hear it in an email -- I'd much rather someone call me. Given my choice, I'd rather not hear it in person either.

To me, a call is personal (email is just too distant and would appear cowardly), but it also gives me the opportunity to get off the phone as quickly as I might want to (when it's in person, you're pretty much trapped).

A close work friend knows that I've had a couple of miscarriages. She told me over the phone a couple of weeks ago that she was pregnant. I know it was difficult for her to tell me and I know she knew it would be hard for me to hear. I don't remember our conversation exactly, but I know we both acknowledged those things during the course of the conversation.

I was able to tell her in all honesty that I was thrilled for her. And when I hung up, I cried.

She also made sure to tell me before anyone else because she didn't want me to hear it through the grapevine, which I appreciated.

[Twylla]

I also say an e-mail or something. At least, that's what allowed me to cope the best. I had a few friends who sprung it on me, and it was really tough. Another friend called to let me know, before posting it on her LJ, which I appreciated because I know it would've stunned me a bit to find out online. And another friend sent me an e-mail before announcing it. Again, it let me digest it easier.

For example,

Dear friend,

I have something to tell you, and I hope it won't upset you.

We're expecting #3, the EDD is April 3, and we're thrilled. I wish you and I were going through this together, and you know I'm still hoping and praying the November cycle works for you.

Let me know when it's a good time to call, and please tell me if there's anything I can say or to to support you when I'm further away than last time,

Love, kristin.

And send it soon, don't beat around the bush, that'll sting far more than you intended. :)

[jesseybell]

I have a collegue (works in a different state than me) who has been trying for 5 years (6 failed IUIS, 3 failed IVFS, moving on to a donor egg from her sister) - When I got pregnant with my DD almost 3 years ago I told her right away. But when I got pregnant for a second time last fall I made the mistake of not telling her until after I had a mc at 13w (and only because I was out of the office for 2 1/2 weeks) - To her that was way harder to hear because she did feel that I hadn't told her because of her IF. This time I just told her at 11w and again, I think she was really hurt I hadn't told her sooner (she kept asking me who else knew) She did tell me that she appreciated I told her over the phone even though I felt really awkward doing it. She sounded very excited for us over the phone, but I know in my heart she got off the phone and bawled. Not that I wanted to hear her cry over the phone, but I knew how hard it was for her to be upbeat on the phone.

[j*east]

I've been on both sides of this. I personally liked when people told DH and then he told me privately, but I think that happened more by chance than by intention.

I think it really depends on the relationship. Sometimes email is best, sometimes it feels too distant. Just do your best to be kind, and after you share the news, don't bring it up too much unless your friend expresses interest. Also, as others have said, make sure she doesn't find out from someone else first.

[kristin]

Thanks for bumping the thread and all the responses.

We have not told anyone yet (unless you count my DD's preschool teacher who I was forced to tell). Under other circumstances, she would be the one person I WOULD tell as soon as I got a BFP. We've always waited until 20 weeks until we tell people, including family. So no chance of her finding out from someone else.

We became friends when our oldest kids were just a few weeks old. I knew they had tried for a while to have him, but I didn't realize they were struggling with IF again when I accidentally got pregnant with my second when my first was only 9 months old. When I told her, she was visible upset and said some rather hurtful things regarding how easy it was for me to get pregnant. Then she finally told me that they had been trying for another child right after they had the first. I felt horrible because I didn't know, and we were close enough that I thought she would tell me.

She called me tonight and they are going to do AI instead of IVF this weekend because her "numbers don't look great but it is worth a shot". And unfortunately, they are paying out of pocket this time. I can't even imagine how stressed she must be.

I think in our case an e-mail would be the best way to go - maybe a little cowardly on my part, but I want to give her time to digest it privately. Part of me wants to do it now, since I feel like such a liar, but another part of me is holding out for her getting a BFP in two weeks and then we could celebrate together. Although if it doesn't work, I think the news would crush her at that point. Any thoughts on the time frame for when to tell her, given the situation?

[Scooter]

I'd guess the sooner the better. Gives her more time to process it before potentially dealing with bad news, if this cycle doesn't work out for her. Also, people tend to be more hopeful in the first half of a treatment cycle, before the two week wait turns you into a crazy person. ;) So it might be easier for her before she goes in for the IUI (AI).

[jenahdawn]

Also wanted to add: Don't get pissed at her if it takes her a while to respond.

Had a friend get a little pissy that I wasn't jumping for joy and didn't immediately call her and congratulate her. (that and lack of sensitivity in other areas made me drop her from my life)

[j*east]

I'd guess the sooner the better. Gives her more time to process it before potentially dealing with bad news, if this cycle doesn't work out for her. Also, people tend to be more hopeful in the first half of a treatment cycle, before the two week wait turns you into a crazy person. ;) So it might be easier for her before she goes in for the IUI (AI).

Yeah, exactly. It would be great if you both got to celebrate in two weeks, but if not, it would be a much worse time for her to hear your news.

[sea74]

Count me in as another who would prefer it by email or phone, and it helped me to know sooner rather than later.
I had a friend who got PG on an "oops" when I was in the middle of treatments. It was easier for me to hear her news as soon as she found out and I'm glad she didn't wait to tell me.

[pocahontas]

I've been on both sides of this. I personally liked when people told DH and then he told me privately, but I think that happened more by chance than by intention.

This happened to me just last week and by far I feel it has been the BEST way I could have received the news. That way I could just vent to DH and bitch and moan after he tells me (and he's a great sport about it because he totally understand although isn't nearly as emotional as I am. :)) And then I can deal with the person (who I will have to see incidentally for the first time today since DH informed me last week. UGH! :()