Deadbeat Siblings Support Group

[LyLMyssChaos]

I figured we could start this here and have it moved to groups once it gets going. While posting in the "vent" thread in emotional support it became obvious that quite a few of us CC'ers have very similar deadbeat siblings. You know the type; whine about being broke, but then go on bragging about how you spent all weekend shopping, or partying, or telling us about all your travels, etc. Or how about that person in your life that is constantly hitting you up for money, even though they make more than you do and they have less responsibility?? Let's discuss them here!

[Asha]

ha ha ha!! i can't believe you actually started this thread. :D well, maybe i can. ;)

[Asha]

how about a bil who cries to his family they should help fund a brand new home for him when he already has a free home available in the same town. in addition to that, he is getting about $30k worth of furniture for his brand new home. he basically demanded money from his parents who live in a crappy basement apt, and they have no furniture of their own and his mom prepares her meals on the floor!! who can blame him though?! his pleas are quite effective and he didn't have to use a penny of his own money for his house.

[LyLMyssChaos]

That is pure insanity! I think if that were my brother, I'd have to take him out in an alley and teach him a thing or two. :eek:

[ysolde]

I love it!

My mother still owes me several thousand dollars for cameras she bought my sister, when my sister was going to do wedding photography. Sis never touched the cameras, and I don't even know what happened to them.

Then, my sister got pregnant by a guy she had known for all of 5 seconds (it was actually two weeks). They got married two weeks before the baby was born. Between the two of them, they make less money than I do, but they bought a town house in an expensive neighborhood (keeping up appearances), no money down, 100% mortgage. They take several vacations a year, paid for by my parents, because, "They have a baby, so they deserve the break." My sister decided a couple of years ago that the car my parents had bought her two years prior was no longer good enough, so my parents bought her an SUV. They pay, not only for her car, but for the insurance on her car. Who provides free "day care" for the baby? My mother, since my sister refuses to put him in a day care center. My mother is exhausted and worn out. Who will pay for private school for my sister's child? My parents, of course.

Meanwhile, I have worked my ass off all my life, I work long hours, I pay all my bills (and then some; see above). DH and I cannot even dream of buying a place. We cannot even dream of having a child. We save; we invest; we think of the future. Yes, I dress well -- everything is purchased on sale, at bluefly, or on clearance (usually both). I have had handbags and scarves for ten years. DH and I go on very short vacations (five days or less), and only to places we can afford. Last summer, we took a train to Lake Placid for a few days (the hotel was free, thanks to points), and had a marvelous, romantic time.

So, I went home over Christmas, and all my sister did was complain about how she has no money for presents, how she isn't "rich" like me, etc. It was soooo frustrating. Not to mention the fact that my mother kept pointing out that I really need to learn how to save, since my sister has a house, and DH and I rent. Hello????

[ShelbyMay]

Can we count my BIL & SIL who expect the whole family to be happy that they're trying to have a baby, even though they already depend on other family members to help pay their bills? I understand the urge to have a baby, but why purposely bring a baby into this world when you know you can't afford to care for it? :confused:

[Asha]

I really need to learn how to save, since my sister has a house, and DH and I rent. Hello????
that's insane! she pays for their vacations and cars, and she thinks you need to learn how to save!! my eyes would have rolled right out of my head if i were you.

[Asha]

shelbymay - that reminds me of my dh's family who expects us to pay for everything for everybody probably bc we dont' have kids. have they ever thought that maybe we would like to save for our own, bc we don't want to rely on other people.

[Asha]

Who will pay for private school for my sister's child? My parents, of course.

i just noticed this too. this happened to dh. his whole family was literally crying to jagir bc he didn't want to pay for his nieces and nephews to go private school.

[ysolde]

Rebekah --

Let me tell you, my family is a lesson in, "The lazy shall inherit the earth, and the hard-working and dedicated shall clean up after them."

Really, I almost slapped my mother. She does not seem to want to understand that, as a NYer, I am better off investing in mutual funds, etc., until I have a really nice chunk of change set aside. There is no way I can afford to buy an apartment in NYC right now, and, because I use a wheelchair, living in the way outer boroughs is not an option for me!

[PG-rated]

My brother is a recovering deadbeat, so there's hope! :)

After burning through 6 years of tuition with no diploma in sight, while living rent-free at my mom's, she'd had enough and cut him off. So he moved in with my brother, took out a student loan and actually finished enough papers to pass his few remaining classes. Of course, he's also been fired from three jobs in the past year, has a car but can't afford the insurance (so he mooches rides off my mom), and still blew his first paycheck on Christmas presents that cost more than DH and I had in our gift budget, and we make at least 6 times what he makes (seriously). So it's an ongoing process. :rolleyes: But the first step is having someone say no to the deadbeat - my brother truly didn't get that he had to be responsible for paying his own way until my other brother let him move in and hounded him for rent the second it was overdue. We all thought they would end up killing each other, but just in time my brother stepped up and started accepting responsibility. Now if we could only convince him that he needs to save some money so he can insure his car....

[Eric's Wife]

My brother and SIL bought a new house last year and also got brand new furniture instead of using what they already had. They got a big screen tv, the works. Since they moved, my SIL has not actively seeked employment and brother's hours at work have been cut. She complains that she is over qualified (which she isn't). Lately they have been telling my parents that they are having financial problems and mention that her parents GAVE them money. Not once did they say they needed to borrow money. My parents have lent them a lot of money when they bought the house. My parents have always been fair and generous with their kids when it comes to money. For example they'd rather we owe them than credit cards. When my parents went to visit them last month. My SIL gave them the cold shoulder and after spending the day together, she went off on my parents. She told them that they were selfish and that parents are expected to help their children in that kind of way. She was belittling my parents for about 30 minutes and the entire time, my brother didn't even defend my parents. My parents drove back that night (a 4 hour trip). A few days later, my dad left a message on my brother's cell to let him know if they needed to borrow money that they could. He never called back. My parents tried to call them for Christmas and my SIL had their number blocked. I am so disgusted with them because what she said couldn't be further from how my parents are.

Sorry for the long post but I had to vent.

[Boopy]

But the first step is having someone say no to the deadbeat

Amen! Somehow though neither my DH's or my parents can comprehend this. We are both fortunate enough to each have our deadbeat sister. I could literally write pages about this. Just thinking about them I get so fired up! I'll just give a few examples. Eventhough my sister's husband is in college and does not work and she makes poverty level wages they recently purchased a 60" TV. The TV is as big as their living room! Meanwhile my parents are still paying their mortgage for them every month. Their excuse, "it's on a two year payment plan and we'll have the money to pay for it by then." Aughhhh. :mad: No thought what so ever of paying my parents back for all the money they have given them over these past three years. :(

When my SIL and BIL got married, my FIL agreed to make one year's worth of payments on a new car for them. Well, we're coming up on their 2 year anniversary this February and guess who still makes the payments on that car? :rolleyes: SIL has had several years of college all on FIL's dime, although has enough earned hours to be a sophmore. FIL gives her so much money it's rediculous. I have a feeling BIL knows nothing about that money either.

In both cases, if you ask the parents why they do it they always say "it's for the grandchildren." I'm so sick of hearing that. I love my neices and nephews, but when I see their mothers walking around with freshly manicured nails it just doesn't sit right with me.

[ysolde]

Oh, did I tell you my parents buy my sister lunch every day, and my mother makes my sister and BIL dinner every night, so the poor dears don't have to cook?

My sister used to have 2 dogs and a cat. When she and BIL first got together, he bought her a new puppy. She turned the cat (a total sweetie) over to my parents, because she heard that a pregnant woman should not have a cat! Then, she and her then-BF would send the puppy and dogs to my parents' every weekend, because they could not sleep with the dogs barking in the morning. After the baby was born, my sister decided she did not want the cat back. She and her husband then gave away the puppy. Then, they gave one of the other dogs to my parents.

The thing is, my parents enable all this crap (not that they would ever put up with this kind of thing from me), so I am not one to judge. They paid for a Master's degree my sister never finished (she decided to follow her long-ago boyfriend home, instead, then was unemployed, sitting at my parents' watching soaps for a year). Funny, when I went to law school, I had to finance that all by myself (I am still paying off the loans). And I worked every summer I was a student since I was 20 (I took a summer class when I was 19). Grrr.

[DiscoDiva]

My brother. :rolleyes: Need I say more?

He has freeloaded off my mom since he was.... well..... forever. My mom has always enabled him, giving excuses for why he couldn't work, why he couldn't go to college, why he couldn't finish high school, why he couldn't keep a job, why he couldn't pay his bills, why he needs to borrow money, etc. The other day, I was talking to my mom on the phone when bro came up. Instantly, my mom starting throwing out excuses for him, when I hadn't even said anything yet. That triggered a epiphany for me: my mom feels it's her job in life to defend my brother. So, I said, "Mom, why have you appointed yourself as bro's Defender In Life?" She started defending herself, but I know she realized I was right. From now on, everytime she starts making excuses for him, I'm going to tell her that she is not his Defender In Life.

The other day, my sister and I figured out that bro has stolen 7 vehicles from our family and my mom has given him 2. If you buy a new car and haven't sold/traded in your old one, bro assumes that he as the 'right' to take your old car. When it breaks down somewhere, he'll abandon it and you'll never know what happened to it.

My mom got her first new car in about 30 years last week, and she gave bro her old one, stating that "he really needed it" and "was so helpful with picking out her new car." :rolleyes: I'm sure he was, because he knew he'd get her old car!

What bothers me the most is that he borrowed a few thousand dollars from my grandparents!!! :eek: by lying and telling them that he was buying a house with some girl he was going to marry. Needless to say, he got the money, spent it, never bought a house, and broke up with the girl.

I won't even get into how he showed up at my wedding rehearsal dinner with a 6-month pregnant girlfriend, who was married to someone else, showing off the ultrasound pics of their future child. Needless to say, she went back to her husband, my bro never spoke to her again, and apparently, I have a niece or nephew somewhere that probably doesn't speak English. (Bro has dated Hispanic women for the past 10 years or so because they think that by being with him, they are dating 'up', and he says that they treat him better because they clean for him, cook for him, etc. without talking back. :rolleyes: These are HIS words, not mine. )

And I won't get into how he hit his ex-wife in front of the cops, who were called out on a domestic violence call, and he landed in jail, and ended up doing community service sorting donations in a battered women's shelter.

Nor will I get into lengthy detail about how he's never grown up because my mom has always bailed him out of everything, from jail, to apartment leases, to overdue bills. Mom has NEVER allowed him to grow as an adult due to her constant enabling. He's finally living on his own now because mom finally had nothing left to give and he had no choice but to go out on his own. (But he has always found older women willing to take care of him.)

Needless to say, bro calls me a bitch, because I won't loan him cars, won't loan him money, won't cosign on loans, and won't give him keys to my house. Ummmmmmmm........ duh!!

eta: I thought of some more. ;)
Bro was arrested yet once again, for outstanding warrants for dumb things like ignoring speeding tickets. Anyway, he went to jail but mom (finally!) didn't have the money to bail him out. After 2 days there of hearing him whine, the deputies got so sick of listening to him, they took him to the judge's office to see about getting him out. When they left him alone, he took off and 'escaped' from the jail building. Needless to say, they reissued another warrant. What an idiot!

Then there was the time he was driving a car with no current license, no insurance, no current plates (ya know, the usual) and he accidentally hit a cop car when swerving to avoid another car. The cops got out, bro started running (jumping fences, you name it) and at least a mile later, the cop caught him. Bro said he couldn't believe a cop "finally" was able to catch him. It turns out the cop was a winner in the track and field events in the policeman's olympics. Sweet justice!

Oh yeah, one year, bro got Christmas gifts for everyone except me, saying he "forgot." Umm, yeah.

I'll be back with more, I'm sure. :rolleyes:

[DiscoDiva]

Should this thread really be called, "Deadbeat Siblings And The Family Members Who Enable Them"?

:D

[LyLMyssChaos]

Should this thread really be called, "Deadbeat Siblings And The Family Members Who Enable Them"?

:D

Ya know? That is so right!!

Because the SIL that inspired me to start this thread has a teenage daughter and the pattern is continuing. She is 16, has already been arrested twice for 2 MIP's. She dropped out of "regular" high school, so they got her in an alternative high school, then she got kicked out for too many absences. My SIL kicked her out because "she couldn't handle her" so she moved in with my BIL and his family. Then things went sour there, so she broke into their house one weekend because they wouldn't let her stay there alone while they went out of town (she was supposed to go to her dad's house) and in doing so, cut every single screen in their house. So my BIL kicked her out. She moved back in with my SIL. Then on a 60 degree day in DECEMBER(keep in mind, we live in Michigan!!,) my SIL mentioned she should be out looking for a job because she had court costs to pay for, and repairs to her uncles house and things, and she said she was not going out to look for a job "in this weather!" :rolleyes: So she got kicked out again and moved in with my MIL and FIL. And ya know what? That girl, I tell ya. My MIL says that my BIL needs to forget about the damage to his house, that my niece doesn't need a job because her boyfriend will pay her court costs. No one is making her go to school. I'm just sitting back and thinking "well, here we go again, the same mentality that created SIL is molding her daughter." And on top of it, my niece had the nerve to call my SIL to ask her to put the title to her car up for the bail to get her boyfriend out of jail, when she wouldn't do it, my MIL did it because HIS OWN FAMILY WOULDN'T DO IT! And when my MIL told me about it, I just said "well, I wouldn't be putting my butt on the line for him" to which she responded "well, this was just some little thing, what's the big deal anyway." And who will she come crying to if he doesn't show up to court and she gets stuck paying for that bond?? Better not be me, cause I will not be answering my phone!

[LyLMyssChaos]

You are totally eligible. I count in-laws in there too! :p ;)

[katmg]

Ooh! Ooh! BIL qualifies!!

Let's see...the creditors who call OUR house looking for BIL since he's delinquint on his truck payment. The repo guy (with gun) who came to MIL's house on Christmas day looking for BIL's truck. Glad we weren't there for that one! He currently sells meat out of the back of a truck. :rolleyes: But brags about how he makes so much money and is going to start his own business. Gee, I guess he has so much money because he's not paying for his truck or credit cards???

Luckily MIL is learning to not enable quite so much. She still holds out hope for him since he's only 22.

[BrownEyedGirl]

Isn't it even worse when you are an only child and your in-laws are the slackers! I went from 0 siblings to 4 siblings. Most are pretty good, pretty mature, not too much to complain about, but then there are times when one or two just drive you up the freaking wall!

[greenbunny]

Isn't it even worse when you are an only child and your in-laws are the slackers!

Emphatically yes!

Plus, DH only has this one brother. So he'll never know the joy of a normal sibling, and I'm only reinforcing my pleasure at being an only child!

Plus, DH said the other day that he had always looked forward to being an uncle, and BIL is probably too mentally disabled to ever be in an adult relationship. I am 99% sure that without serious intervention and therapy, BIL will likely die a virgin.

[jbenny75]

My BIL and MIL fit in perfectly with all of your deadbeat relatives. And it's the same story with them. There's always an excuse why they can't do this or can't do that. Nothing is ever their fault. DH complains about his brother, but it's like, HELLO, who do you think taught him to be this way? His mother!!! DH is guilty of making excuses for them and enabling them. It drives me nuts. I always ask him what the hell is wrong with them, that they can't work, be responsible, and be normal like everyone else? NOTHING, IMO. It's pure laziness, and I detest laziness. I get so fired up over this subject. DH is the only one in the family who made anything of himself, so now they all expect him to bail them out all the time. Sometimes, I mean that literally. He's had to bail BIL out of jail. And it's amazing how they never bother with DH (even his mother), but they sure know how to find him when they need money. I'm hopeful that things are changing because recently DH actually said NO to MIL and BIL (by the way, BIL never calls for his own money when he needs it, MIL calls for him-he never calls to say thanks either). MIL loaned BIL her cell phone. He ran the bill up to $600!! Of course, it wasn't his fault. Whatever. He met some girl and she didn't have a phone, so he let her use it and she ran up the bill. How stupid and irresponsible can you be? DH flipped out and said no. He did say he might give part of it, if BIL came to our house and helped DH with work around the house to earn the money. Of course, that didn't happen. Why should we go to work every day and work our tails off to pay for them to be deadbeats? I don't get it, but somehow they feel they're entitled.

[ysolde]

All of these deadbeats have an incredible sense of entitlement that has been fostered and encouraged by their (our) parents.

In my sister's case, the amazing thing to me is that she STILL feels she has been shortchanged, because I went to the "fancy" schools (I studied and got good grades while she partied), I had the "white wedding" (I had a small, tasteful wedding to DH, she got married in the courthouse two weeks before she gave birth -- and she STILL wants a big wedding with all the trimmings next year!), and she makes less money than I do (we each work in our chosen professions). Sheesh. :rolleyes:

[ShelbyMay]

Emphatically yes!
I am 99% sure that without serious intervention and therapy, BIL will likely die a virgin.

At least that way you don't have to worry about him reproducing. :rolleyes:

[DiscoDiva]

I know when FIL passes away, I will end up shouldering the burden of this mess they've made of him. He thinks he deserve to sit at home all day doing nothing and we should support him.
You do NOT have to shoulder the burden of supporting him! Tell him now that when FIL passes away, he's on his own. Tell your FIL that as well. Maybe that will wake them up a little (but I doubt it). At least you'll be able to say, "I told you!"

All of these deadbeats have an incredible sense of entitlement that has been fostered and encouraged by their (our) parents.

Yup, yup, and yup!! My sister and I throw that word around (entitlement) when talking about our brother and mom. The difference is that I don't cave in to them and she does.

[ManteoChik]

Wow....I want to play too! :D

My brother (who is three years older than me) has been the pampered one our whole lives. Growing up we were both spoiled but once we reached our teen years we became different people. Brother has no concept of doing things for himeself. He is now at his fourth college - and insists that he will be graduating this year. :rolleyes: I guarantee that I will graduate before him. My dad pays for everything for him, rent, all bills, insurance, spending money, flying (he's a pilot), you name it...dad pays for it. Not to mention that our grandparents send him weekly checks in the mail. Grandmother writes the check out of the joint account and then slips in an extra check from her personal account too. He decided that he needed a new truck but had no money to pay for it. He actually had the audacity to call aunt and uncle and ask them for a loan (apparently because they are both doctors they should be happy for fork over $12000 for a truck for him...not to mention that they've put all 4 of their own kids through college and cars).

I on the other hand pay for everything myself (with the help of SO). When I started college for photography I decided that rather than burden my parents with the high cost of photography equpitment I would take out a student loan to pay for it myself. I pay my tuition, books, car payment (on a brand new car that I bought myself after graduation), insurance, gas, spending money. I am fortunate that SO and I live together and he pays rent, ect... but I also pay for other things around the house. Yes, it's nice to know that my parents are there to help me if god forbid I needed it, but I don't think they are obligated to do so.

-----Now for Future Sister-In-Law (FSIL)
FSIL is almost 31 and still lives at home with parents. She continues to date one loser guy after another. The last one she actually was with for around 4 years and they lived together but of course it didn't work out. Her parents pay all of her bills including car payment, insurance, and she doesn't have to pay them rent. They give her money to go out with and fix her dinner every night. She has a part-time job as a pre-school teacher (which she is very good at, but too lazy to do it full time). Not to mention that they paid to put her through cosmotology school only for her to cut one person's hair and decide that she didn't like it....so mommy and daddy sent her back to school for teaching.

Her brother (my SO) is 23 and has paid for everything on his own since he was a teenager...not because his parents wouldn't do it, but because he wanted to do things for himself. He took out students loans because he went to a very expensive college, and he's also a pilot and paid for all of his flying and ratings on his own. He always has a new truck and makes all payments on his own, and continues to live a wonderful life making three times as much as his sister and he's 7 years younger than she is.