Bringing new baby home, when is help the most needed?

[IzzyJune2006]

My family lives on the other coast. They all want to visit when we have the baby in June. I would like them to come at a time that will be most beneficial for us. I'd like to hear about your experience.

DH has experience with babies, he helped with his baby brother who's 13 year his junior. DH prefers that we do it on our own for the first 6 weeks or so. Also, DH's family is local, though everyone works full time. We also have good friend support in the area.

My mom is willing to come whenever we want and can probably stay for 4 weeks (or more if we want). She'd be staying with us the whole time. My sister wants to come for a few days with her baby girl (she'll be 9 months by then). Though not everyone needs to come at the same time.

I am considering asking her to come to help bridge the time when I will be returning to work, approximately 8 weeks after delivery. That would also help reduce the cost of daycare for the first few weeks.

Any recommendations/insights to help us plan ahead? Thanks in advance ladies!

[jh124]

In our experience: we did the first two weeks on our own, then my mom came for two weeks. Then we were on our own for a few weeks, then MIL came for 1.5 weeks. This worked out well for us. I think if my mom had been there in the very beginning, I would have relied on her too heavily and freaked when she left. Being on our own forced us to do all the hard scary stuff, rather than pawn it off on my mom (like baths - wicked scary!)

I grew so dependent on my mom when she was here. She soothed the baby, changed him, dressed him, and rocked him all night while I slept. It was wonderful, but I really freaked out and cried the night before she left because I was convinced that I couldn't do it without her - but I did do it without her, for two weeks, so that gave me a little confidence and reassurance that it would be alright.

[magdesilver]

My in-laws were there the day she was born and stayed for 12 days. We are very close with them (not so much with my family, they didn't come out at all). I made it very clear to MIL that what I really needed their help with was cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of the dogs- not baby care. Basically I needed help with everything except the baby! They were very understanding and it worked out very well. I was able to concentrate on nursing, DH and I could learn to do the diapers, etc. (although MIL did change plenty of them when we wanted her to), but the in laws were very careful not to be too intrusive. They took care of us so we could take care of DD and it worked out very well. By the time they left I was ready to have our little family unit alone again.

[kinaida]

My mom & stepdad came out when DS was a week old and stayed for a week. My dad & stepmom came out the following day and stayed for 5 days. My ILs came out a week and a half after that and stayed for 4 days.

If I could do it over I would have shifted everything back a week. The first 2 weeks babies are soooo sleepy -- I wish I had help now at 5 weeks b/c DS has decided he likes to party during the night and when we try to get him to sleep, he screams. I felt like I was running on adrenaline the first few weeks and now that it's wearing off, I would like some help now :)

[Mickey&B]

Congratulations!!!
I think it's great that you have someone to count on for help, the first few weeks can be rough

I made it very clear to MIL that what I really needed their help with was cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of the dogs- not baby care.
I DITTO THIS So important!!!! everyone wants to be with baby and that's great but the first few weeks it's important for you to be with baby (especially if you plan to breastfeed, the first few weeks can really make or break it).
I think it's a really good idea to space out your visiting help so that not everyone is there at the same time it can be very overwhelming in the begining.
Good Luck

[SD601]

Perhaps have all the family stagger when they come, especially if they are coming to help. I think the help with daycare is a good idea, too.

Keep in mind that although you will probably appreciate/need help in the beginning, you might need a break from constant visitors. My family spaced out their visits with a few days in between (for the first two months) and DH and I really enjoyed those few days to ourselves. Of course, soon we were ready for more help! Good luck!

[lml41981]

My mom came the Thursday I went to the hospital and left a week and one day after DD was born. Her help was invaluable because I lost a lot of blood and was incredibly dizzy. I got lightheaded and dizzy whenever I'd stand, so my mom always brought DD to me or took her for me. She did stuff around the house so I could focus on feeding and all that. MIL came the Monday after my mom left. She brought one meal and made another. She sat there and kicked my dogs because she didn't want them near her. She pretended to want to help me, but her definition of "helping" was to hold DD so I could do housework. She ended up leaving Monday night.

So, I'd say that if you have someone willing to come help, take them up on it. You never know what will happen during your L&D. If you have a c-section, for example, you may need more help (MIL said SIL was basically confined to bed for a few weeks afterward).

[karen]

In the beginning I didn't need much help with the baby because the baby was eating and sleeping a lot. I was breastfeeding so no one could help with that. It would be nice to have someone around to help around the house but it was nice to be alone with the baby. I had family visiting almost every weekend and I found myself enjoying the times when it was just DH, the baby, and me.

I asked my mom to come help with the baby after I returned to work. She came the week before I started work. She was able to learn the baby's schedule and how to get him to nap during that week. It made the return to work easier, knowing that my mom was watching him.

[solongtogo]

I don't think help is necessarily needed at first, because all baby will do is eat sleep and poop. It's when they're alert a bit more during the day and you're exhausted for a nap :)

[phart]

When they start walking:p

[jki]

It's so hard to say because every birth and every child is different.

With DS, he emerged crying and it felt like he didn't stop until he was 4 months old! I lost enough blood during the delivery to require a transfusion, which I did not get. I was exhausted after DS's birth.... not to mention the fact that we did not sleep AT ALL in the hospital. DH and I planned to just have it be the 3 of us for at least 2 weeks. The day after we got home, I called by mom crying and she came and stayed for a week. DH was home for 2 weeks.

DD was a bit easier. She slept for the first 3 weeks but we had DS to contend with. DH was home for 3 weeks, my parents stayed in a hotel for 1 week, my parents stayed with us for 1 week, then they came back the next week for 3 days, then they came back the following week for 2 days, after that I had a nanny to help for 2 days per week.

Can your mom break her visit up into two separate ones? I think her help would be valuable in the beginning as well as after you go back to work.

[LeslieR]

My mom planned to come to stay for two weeks. I was adamant that she come a week after DS was born so that DH and I could have alone time with him and bond as a family. Little did I know that I was going to be so tired and overwhelmed that I could barely function. Once she was here, I still had a hard time pulling it together. I was just so weepy-I cried over everything. And then I got sick and had a 102* fever and the chills. I don't know how we would have gotten through those first few weeks without her here-she did the laundry, the cooking, the shopping, and most of the baby care. All I did was feed the baby and try to catch up on sleep. Looking back now, I wish she had been here from day one!

[HGMorgann]

My mom came for the first week. Looking back, I would have wanted her their for the 2nd week, as I got an infection and had fevers and chills much like the PP! We had visitors staying with us continuosly for almost the whole first month, except the week I was sick. It was too much. If you could have someone the second week and like weeks 5-9 or something like that, I think it would be more ideal. But it depends so much on you, your baby, and recovery and how much time your husband can have off. Mine had a week off, but when I got sick, he had to go back to work too. For baby #2, I would want someone with us from week 2-3, and then 4-5 if possible.

[IzzyJune2006]

Wow this insight is very useful. So it sounds like...


waiting at least a week or two before having some help is reasonable (except for the case where I might be sick or have a difficult recovery)
it would be a good idea to have help around 6 weeks (or close to when I go back to work)


That sounds really reasonable. I told my mom that I wasn't sure what would be the most useful and that she should give it some thought as well. Next time I talk to her about this, I will share this insight. She is really cool about the whole thing. This will be grandchild number 3 for them.

I think I could ask my sister to visit around the 2 week mark, and ask my parents to come somewhere around week 6 or 8 (up until a couple of weeks after I go back to work, week 10). Of course if the post-delivery recovery is hard, mom could definitely come right away.

All of this wonderful planning may go out the window if the baby comes early... :confused:

[Franni]

Yeah... my friend had helped lined up for week -1 to week 4. Then her baby was 3 weeks early, her mom fell ill and could not travel. She ended up hiring a part time mommy helper that was her salvation (she says). It made her able to focus only on baby care. She also had a c-section, so her recovery made it difficult to do anything else other than care for baby.

So a week after you get home makes sense, but having mom on call (just in case) would be great.

I had my MIL the first week and that was hell. She kept on telling me to do stuff that I know were not right (like feed the baby solids for better sleeping, cover her with a blanket, etc). I had a difficult time bf and she kept on nagging me about how hungry the baby looked. I would have loved to have my own mother to be with me. At least with my own mom, I could tell her to back off gently and she can accept that.

[usafwife]

We are lucky in the sense that my parents, my SIL/BIL, DH's stepmom, and grandparents all live relatively close to us. We came home on a Friday afternoon. DH's stepmom and grandparents nearly beat us to the house. I wasn't all that thrilled with that because I wasn't the least bit up for company (I was extremely exhausted to put it mildly). They didn't stay very long and then my BIL, SIL, and their 3 kids came by. I didn't mind them being there because the kids hadn't really got to see DD that much. Plus I didn't feel like I needed to entertain them or that they were telling us what to do (which sometimes we get from his stepmom and grandparents).

The weekend was a holiday weekend so DH and my mom were there. My mom tried to stay away and not butt in so we could learn to do things for ourselves. Unfortunately my DH had to leave for a couple of weeks and my mom took the first week off. She was wonderful to have with me. I was still so exhausted that it helped to be able to let her take the baby so I could get some much needed sleep. She helped with laundry, cooking, etc.

So it's hard to tell someone else when to schedule visitors because everyone's labor/delivery/recovery is different. Good luck in deciding when to schedule everyone's visits.

[lil_nance]

I gave birth a wk early so my parents didn't arrive until we'd been home for 3 days. The first night home was hell. I called help first thing the following morning. A neighbor came over and sat with DS so DH & I could get some sleep. DS would only sleep with someone holding him. We were so grateful. We also had dinner delivered the first 2 nights. My parents stayed with us for a week and then in a nearby hotel for 2 wk. They helped with house stuff while DH & I did the baby stuff. For me having help those first 2 wks was absolutely essential. After that, I was comfortable on my own.

Also, although your DH has previous baby experience, having your own (and a newborn) is TOTALLY different. I had babysat tons but there was still things to learn and get comfortable with.

[DisneyGirl]

When they start walking:p

LOL:D