What to say/do to comfort friend who has lost child?

[e&d]

NOTE: I have updated the text in this post. THanks.

A good friend of mine had a terrible 2005, and that is an understatement. She was pregnant and due in August; she had placenta previa and ended up delivering in June at 28 weeks.

Her daughter has struggled through numerous surgeries. Unfortunately, she died on New Year's Eve in her father's arms at the hospital.

My friend lives in another country with her husband, and those of us in the States are so far away. Obviously I am devastated for her, but I also know that I can't begin to understand what they've gone through. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing during this time.

A local friend of theirs is gathering emails to be shared at the funeral later this week. I'm looking for help -- especially from anyone who has experienced a loss themselves or through people close to them -- in guiding what I say.

I am especially worried because we were pregnant at the same time and I now have a healthy 5 week old. We had talked frequently about our kids growing up together, of course, and now that obviously won't happen.

I'm thinking of something along these lines:

Dear (parents),

It is so difficult to find the words to share my sympathy. I never got to meet Anya, but she was clearly a very special child. She persevered through enormous challenges, coming through to surprise us all so many times. I know she got that strength and spirit from both of you. I pray that you find some of that strength to make it through this horrible time. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly.

It is especially painful when such loving, giving people experience such tragedy. I remember at the beginning of your pregnancy, (Mom), when I told you that we were trying to conceive. You pointed your African fertility dolls out your apartment window in our direction to help us out -- this is so typical of you and makes me smile every time I think of it. I remember talking with you and sharing our excitement during our pregnancies. And I especially remember reading of your delight and love in Anya -- you told me many times how intense your love was for Anya, and that parenthood was a feeling like no other.

I will never forget Anya, and I want you to know that you can lean on me any time for anything.

All my love,
E

Comments? Input? Thanks in advance.

[LyLMyssChaos]

I can really sympathize with you. My best friend was pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with my son. I delivered a healthy baby boy in April, that is now 8 months old, and she delivered her daughter prematurely at just shy of 23 weeks in June and she didn't make it. While we were pregnant we used to talk all the time about how our children would grow up together and be married and things of that nature. And I felt really guilty for a long time about the fact that I have a healthy baby and they didn't get to bring their baby home. I think the best thing that you can really do for your friends is to let them know that you are there for them if they want/need support. They are going to go through so many emotions, it's going to be like a roller-coaster. Somedays they will be clinging to anyone and everyone for dear life, then other days they will not want a single soul around them at all. You just have to be prepared for that. I think that what you have planned to write would be wonderful, and just let them know how you feel. Also, you may want to check out this thread (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=5792) in Family Planning. It's a group of women that have experienced infant loss, stillbirth, and late term miscarriage. They are a wonderful group of women and they having experienced this very topic themselves could give you great advice on what they did/didn't want to hear when they lost their children. I wish you the best of luck and your friends will be in my thoughts and prayers as they go through this ordeal.

[vancouvergirl]

what you have written sounds very nice. i think with any devestating loss, it is important not so much what is said but the act of reaching out. continue to bring up the subject every now & then and ask how they are both doing.

[BTB]

continue to bring up the subject every now & then and ask how they are both doing.

I think this is really important - more important than what you write now (although it's nice.) :)

This loss will forever be a part of your friend's life, but after the funeral, her relatives and friends who are now offering support will drift back to their own lives and many will be uncomfortable talking about the friend's daughter, or feel it a taboo subject to be avoided. That can leave the parents feeling no one but them remembers and cares for their child. Ask the mom how she feels about it, and if she's willing, be that friend who still talks about her baby. :)

[vancouvergirl]

This loss will forever be a part of your friend's life, but after the funeral, her relatives and friends who are now offering support will drift back to their own lives and many will be uncomfortable talking about the friend's daughter, or feel it a taboo subject to be avoided. That can leave the parents feeling no one but them remembers and cares for their child. Ask the mom how she feels about it, and if she's willing, be that friend who still talks about her baby. :)

well said. so important.

[e&d]

Great advice, all! Thanks so much.

[scubasam]

Originally Posted by BTB
This loss will forever be a part of your friend's life, but after the funeral, her relatives and friends who are now offering support will drift back to their own lives and many will be uncomfortable talking about the friend's daughter, or feel it a taboo subject to be avoided. That can leave the parents feeling no one but them remembers and cares for their child. Ask the mom how she feels about it, and if she's willing, be that friend who still talks about her baby.

Well said, BTB. ITA.

One of my best friends lost her 3 wk old baby in April and I was a couple months pregnant at the time. Having had a couple of m/c's myself, I could empathize with her but not truly understand what she was going through. I tried to be there for her as much as possible.....talking w/ her, meeting for lunch, emailing, etc., while at the same time giving her the room she needed to grieve. It's difficult to find that balance as well as balance of recognizing her loss w/ the joy of the pregnancy I was so blessed to have. I tried my hardest to not talk about my pg unless she asked. The same is true now that DS is here.

She has been incredibly gracious in being excited for my pregnancy and the birth of DS. She & her DH came to our baby shower and recently came to see us & DS for the first time (he's 3 1/2 mos) and while they were there to celebrate, DH and I made every effort to keep the focus on DS to a minimum. It was more important that we focus on them....we talked about their DD and how they are doing.

It is so important, as BTB said, to keep the memory of DD alive. Too many people shy away from the couple who has lost b/c of fear....fear of saying or doing the wrong thing and truly, the best thing a friend can do is to continue offering support, however that may be. I felt the same way after both of my m/c's. I understood why people didn't want to talk with us about it and I respected that but it was such a great thing (and a relief) when those closest to us recognized what we were going through, regardless of whatever they were going through in their own lives, with their own children, etc. Even when people accidentally said or did the wrong thing, I knew their intent was sincere and I appreciated their effort.

I think your letter is wonderfully written and a beautiful way to offer support. You and your friends will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[IUAlum]

My close friend lost her daughter to SIDS about a year ago when she was 4 months old. It devastated all of us.
Everything I have read says to talk about the baby, by name. Also, many people will be there for her right now. What's key is to be there for her 3, 6, 9 months down the road. There will be a lot of firsts that will hurt, Mother's Day, the baby's b-day, the anniversary of the death. Make sure to let her know you're thinking about her on those days but also the days in between.
I'm so sorry for your friend. It's just not fair, is it?

[sophiapb]

Dear (Mom) and (Dad),

It is so difficult to find the words to share my sympathy. I never got to meet (baby), but she was clearly a very special child. She persevered through enormous challenges, coming through to surprise us all so many times. I know she got that strength and spirit from both of you. I pray that you find some of that strength to make it through this horrible time. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly.

Much love,
(Me)



Almost perfect. The only thing I would add would be "Please know that if you need anything at all, I will be here for you. Phone call, e-mail, smoke-signal, I'm here."
Knowing that someone was willing to listen to my sobbing if I needed them to, even long distance, gave me the strength to get through some of the tough times WITHOUT having to call someone. Not sure if that makes sense but it was true for me.

Edited because I am so sad for your friends and getting choked up rereading your post. What an awful thing to have to go through. I am sending them prayers to get through this terrible time.

[usafwife]

My SIL and BIL lost their first baby to a stillbirth. There is nothing harder to go through than losing your child. I've heard my grandma, my SIL/BIL, and back in May I heard DH's grandma say it.

I think what you have written is very good. One of the important things is not to say that you know what they are going through. No one who hasn't been in the situation can ever know what a parent goes through when they lose a child. I would definitely add the sentence that sophiapb added. That way they know that you are willing to be there for them anytime they need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to them. Trust me there are times that you just need to that person after a death (especially one that is so tragic, unexpected, and devastating). I know that to be very true as we all (my family) needed that shoulder/ear last year when my FIL passed away. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm so very sorry for your friend and her DH.

[Suzlywoozly]

e&d- I have been in your situation with a dear friend that many of us know...Amygrrl. If you want some input, I think she would be the perfect person to get advice from!! I am sure she will come along and read this thread or you can send her a PM. I know this isn't any easy situation to be in as a friend. Good luck.

[LDS Angel 19]

Most of the things that I was thinking have already been mentioned, I just wanted to second this:

One of the important things is not to say that you know what they are going through. No one who hasn't been in the situation can ever know what a parent goes through when they lose a child.

This is a very important point. Even myself, as a breaved parent, I wouldn't say I know how she feels or what she's going through. Everyone's loss is diffrent.

[e&d]

Thanks so much for the input everyone. It's hard to write a lot here right now because I am very upset too. Here is a recent picture of her daughter and her husband.

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b6df22b3127cce9602e4fe3cfc00000016108AbM27hi3ZND

[Regina Phalange]

:( Oh my gosh. Reading the story was sad enough. Putting a face with it all is devastating. My heart goes out to the famliy!

[vancouvergirl]

oh, that is so sweet. breaks my heart. thinking of you and your friends.

[Kimmiebride]

:( Oh my gosh. Reading the story was sad enough. Putting a face with it all is devastating. My heart goes out to the famliy!

Which is why it is precisely so important to do so! My condolences to your friends and to you as well. You are a kind friend, and all the advice here will no doubt be helpful to you as you try to support them as much as you can. We lost our son Robert at 18w3d on Thanksgiving, and the pain just keeps coming. We would be lost without our friends and family who offered support and cried with us, and still continue to do so. It's very true that life goes on for the rest of the world while bereaved parents have many emotions toward that fact - anger, depression, questioning, denial, and finally someday acceptance. It will never go away, but like a big gash in your soul, it will scar over, and the scar will be a constant reminder of the pain. We just found out our neighbor is newly pregnant. I felt so many things - joy for her, and anger that our children, who should be growing up together, won't have a chance to ever meet in person. I am asking my Robert's little spirit to visit her from time to time, and help keep her baby safe and healthy.

Your little one is just adorable! You are especially kind to be thinking so much about your friend with a newborn of your own to care for. I know you know how blessed you are! I wish you the best!
Warmly,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

I think this is really important - more important than what you write now (although it's nice.) :)

This loss will forever be a part of your friend's life, but after the funeral, her relatives and friends who are now offering support will drift back to their own lives and many will be uncomfortable talking about the friend's daughter, or feel it a taboo subject to be avoided. That can leave the parents feeling no one but them remembers and cares for their child. Ask the mom how she feels about it, and if she's willing, be that friend who still talks about her baby. :)

This is so true. Because of that, my CC/LJ friends have been such an important part of my grief. There were peole (family to boot) who did not come to the funeral, nor did they send any card or any sort of condolences. Then there were others who have been so good to us, and I will never forget their kindness. I will especially not forget those that have continued to bring up my son, sometimes, all I want is for people to acknowledge that he was here.