What to do about son quitting a team

[MrsD108]

Please advice me in what to suggest to my husband regarding my stepson.

My 13 year old stepson wants to quit wrestling half way through the season.
The coach has already supplied him with 2 sweatshirts and we have spent $150 on headgear, shoes & gym bag plus our time going to every meet. He has already quit football this fall after we spent quite a bit of money on that plus we had to cancel a vacation because of practice. I think he should pay back the $ we have spent and return the sweatshirts to the coach. DH dotes on him because he is "Sensitive" and I believe he should learn responsibility.
Your advice is greatly appreciated on what to say or what not to do. I do not want to come across as the mean old stepmother. Thanks.

[Camdynlyn]

The rule in my household growing up was "If you start something, you have to finish it but you do not have to continue on with it after that." Meaning, if your SS started wrestling, it is their responsibility to finish the season. It doens't mean they have to keep up with it after the season is done.

My brother (who is 17) gets mad pretty easily at small things and is very active in athletics. He wanted to quit baseball last year because he wasn't being treated fairly (which was true) but my parents still made him stick it out. It teaches discipline and lets the kids know they can't quit everything they start. It's not just them they will be affecting but the team, coach and school.

[MrsD108]

That would be for the best but DH has already let him quit.:mad:

[SaphirimalMei]

no way! that wouldve upset me. Even though the issue has been "resolved" I felt like giving my 2c:

No, I would not have let him quit. I would have put it from the perspective of the team...."you made a commitment to your teammates and yourself and the team is counting on you..."

Since your Hub already let him beg off, I would definitely instiute a "responsibility check". He is plenty old enough to understand that each decision may potentially have negative consequences. I'd suggest chores to make up for the money spent on supplies: something like $10/week for trash duty, $15/week for dishes, $20/week for twice-a-week bathroom duty. Something fair, and not made out as a punishment, but extra duties that instill the knowledge of a monetary consequence for the decision he has made.

[Winter Biscuit]

I'm sorry that he has already quit. I agree with what Camdynlyn wrote - I think it's best to teach children that if you start something, you have to finish it, even if you decide half-way through that you're bored, you don't like it, whatever. (I even apply that rule to dinner time with my 2 year old. We encourage her to try a bite of everything. If she doesn't like it, fine. But the key word is we want her to "try.") That's how it is in the real world. My boss might assign me a project that I might think is useless, mindless and boring. Does that mean I can just downright quit? Nope. I have to stick it out until the end (unless I want to get fired or get written up). Of course, I am free to pursue other opportunities that I feel are better suited to my skills and interests, but it's not like I can just say, "I don't like this project. I quit!"

I like SaphirimalMei's idea of having him pay back the money through chores.

If this were my child, I would also have a discussion about teamwork, and how everyone contributes to the team, even if they are not the star player. There is no "i" in the word "team" and he really did his teams a disservice by quitting. I know you mentioned that your DH thinks he is sensitive, but there are plenty of ways to have a discussion about teamwork and the important role that every single team member plays, regardless of whether they are the star player or the bench warmer, without being insensitive.

You didn't mention why he quit football and now wrestling - but maybe he was frustrated with his performance or playing time (or lack of)? Whatever his reason, I personally would view this as a good opportunity to talk to him about his reasons for quitting. For instance, if he seems to have low self-esteem, you (or your DH) can talk to him and help build his esteem back up by focusing on what he IS good at, encouraging him to pursue interests that he knows he will excel at, etc.

[lady1297]

I think he's old enough to pay you back for your money. We also had a 'stick it out for the season' requirement. We of course weren't forced into any activity, but we did have to see it through. I'd say chores if he isn't old enough for a job or, hell, fork over the Christmas money. I know at least once I had to pay my parents with Christmas money. And now, as adults, there are times that Christmas money goes to bills! Fair in my mind.

[MrsD108]

I agree with all of your opinions. I would not have him quit either and I would have had a discussion with him but my husband thinks I am mean.
It is more of a problem with my husband and how to address it with him. When my 9 year old daughter signed up for soccer DH told her if she did not go to practice or did not want to play in a game that she had to pay back the $130 sign up fee. My daughter agreed to this , she went to every practice and every game. She also practiced her foot skills in the back yard. My daughter's team ended up winning the tournament and we were both proud of her hard work. What aggravates me is that DH is different with his oldest son and favors him alot. I think it should be equal all the way around with all 5 kids but he just says I am picking on his son. To be totally honest I probably do pick on him. He is 13 years old and all he does all day when not in school is play video games. He never helps around the house and the other 4 always pinch in. I secretly pay the other 4 an allowance out of my savings, which I think is only fair. Sorry this seems so long I am just very frustrated.

[BeachBum]

Ok, I'll be the dissenting opinion here. ;)
I think the point of trying extra curricular activities is to see if you like them. If you don't enjoy doing them I don't think you need to keep doing things you don't like. I've tried and quit many different things over the years that I thought I would enjoy as hobbies and didn't.

I don't think that the work analogy used by a PP is fair. Work is some thing you have to do (like a science fair project, or other school work). "Fun" is different IMO.

My parents made me "stick it out" when I lived at home. I can see where you might argue that quitting might make one a "quitter". But with me, it just made me reluctant to try new things. I will not make my son stick with things that he hates that are supposed to be fun. Now, if he was the teams start whatever and had team mates counting on him I think you could make an arguement for sticking wtih the season there.

Seeing that he quit 2 sports activities makes me wonder what is behind the quitting. That is where I would focus my energy...maybe he is being teased, or maybe he is just no good and is embarrassed? I think figuring out the "why" (in a caring way) is the most important.

Good Luck.

[MrsD108]

BeachBum He will not tell his dad why he wants to quit and he has won his last 2 meets. I simply think it is laziness. And to be fair we asked him to go to the practices and let us know before he commits. DH & I have 5 kids between us and I can not afford to let them all join things and spend over $100 on each one for each thing and then quit because they are teased, bored or just plain lazy. I grew up to be able to take care of myself and be responsible and I plan on raising my children that way. He is doted on and at 13 years old it is time for him to start acting like a young man not a 2 year old. DH might think he is sensitive but he acts like a baby because he is treated like one.

[Renrel]

Can you tell us a bit more about why your step son joined these teams and why he quit? I understand the points made above about teaching displine and responsibity and team work. And it may be a payback of the investment is a reasonable consequence. But I find myself wondering about some of the other dynamic effecting the situation and how those might be effecting your husband's reactions to the situation.

Did your husband encourage him your stepson to join teams when your stepson was not very interested? Did he tell him he could quit if he did not like it? Is your husband worried that his son has no life outside of video games? Is he afraid that if he applies the consquence you want that his son will never sign up or try anything in the future?

I can see how a parent who sees a child having no interests in any group activities and is trying despretely to get them to do something, anything interactive, might be reluctant to use quitting such an activity as an opportunity to teach a lesson in responsibity and team work. That is a different situation that a child who is gunho about joining up and wants all the fun and glory they assume will come with the team and than wants to quit when they find out it is hard work and takes time and requires some sacrifice.

If this is a situation of your stepson getting involved in the sports teams due to parental pressure rather than his own desire than I don't think your plan will have the desired results. You may need to talk to your husband about what kinds of future activies may be better suited to your stepson's personality. Maybe something other than sports, or maybe a sport where he is playing against himself, like martial arts or bowling or golf. Maybe drama, or journalism, volunteering as a big brother to a younger child. I don't really don't know.

eta - I was composing this post while the other two were being posted. Sorry for any repetiveness.

[MrsD108]

SS joined the teams all on his own. DH never told him either way but was worried when he joined football because he is not as big as the other team mates. When SS quit football it was not a big deal because he wasn't playing at all after 5 games. The football coach never took an interest in him so we understood but he is really good at wrestling and his coach even wrote him a nice email about how he appreciated all his hard work. SS does seek approval from his dad alot but SS likes to pull the strings. SS is shy and quiet and I am not sure if he has any friends where the other kids are more out going and have alot of friends and play outside and go to sleepovers etc... To be totally honest I really do not know how to fix or help with whatever problems he is having because he clams up tight.

[Kanga]

I think this has a lot more to do with you and your dh re: rules than it does your ss. You need to have a conversation with your dh about the inequality between the kids and set up ground rules that are the same for all 5 kids. /your dh needs to realize that his son is being treated differently than the rest.

As for paying you back, I don't think it's fair unless he was aware of it before he quit the team. I do think it would be a good rule for futyre activities too. I can see youre upset with your ss, but really it was your dh who allowed him to do this (2x).

[Renrel]

It is really tough that you can't figure out why he quit. I understand, though I have yet to experience, that teenagers do have a tendency to shut out their parents. I wish I had good suggestions to increase the communications so that you would have a fuller understand of the situation before figuring out how to react to it. As a mother to 5 you certainly have more experience will all this than me, a mom of a 2 year old. I read somewhere that it is sometimes good to try to talk about tough issues with a teenager in the car with a definate destination. The fact that you are not looking at each other and that the teen knows the conversation will end when you reach the destination can make it easier for them to open up. It is less threatening. That is about all I can think to suggest with my very limited experience. Good luck.

[MrsD108]

RenrelThanks that actually helps alot, SS does talk to me alot more when it is just the 2 of us in the van. I gotta go to the mall tonight so I will see if he will go with me.

[SeaPoet]

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