When friends make fun

[houseblend]

It seems in all my life I'm attracted to friends that make fun of me. Is this normal? My family does this, too. They'll make fun largely of my past - how I used to not know how to cook, how I like to sleep in late, how I'm a picky eater.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this normal behavior? I'm all for laughing at myself and my goof-ups, but it hurts my feelings when they do this. :(

[lawyerlee]

Have you ever told them they hurt your feelings when they constantly make fun of you?

I think some ribbing is pretty normal, but you shouldn't be a doormat for anyone. :)

[Paperweight]

That sucks.

My husband is dealing with this one. In his case, he USED to be a big partier, a goof ball - always telling jokes and being weird. He is a very sensitive person so he feels the way you do about people making fun of him.

The thing is, it's only been a couple years since he turned his life around. It's been a work in progress and now anyone who met him would think that he is a funny guy with a good job, a nice house and awesome wife (I'll give myself some props here). However those who have known him forever don't want to give him the credit he needs to hear. And in some cases he hasn't been consistant enough to prove to people that he's got it all together. He's still working showing the people he cares about that he's responsible now and forgetting about those that he doesn't care about.

So I guess my point is - if you no longer sleep in, if you are now a decent cook, and are no longer picky you have reason to be annoyed and should speak up.

If you do still have these characteristics (which are not bad things by the way) you may have to put up with a bit of joking but they must be taking it too far if you are hurt by it.

Maybe you could have people over for dinner some night and cook them a good meal. Do that enough, then people will forget that you were ever bad. Or, if you still don't enjoy cooking then invite people over, order in food, but make the table the prettiest that they've ever seen. Show whatever talents you have. Eventually they will realize that even with flaws, you've grown as a person.

[mindy]

Hi,

I totally understand how you feel my family does this to me and it really hurts my feelings I end up brushing it off when they say the stuff and cry about it later. They love to comment about how much weight I have put on from having kids. You could try to talk to them but I know when I bring it up with my family they say Oh you know we are kidding.

[trefoil]

I tease others and I do also make fun of myself. If I was hurting someone's feelings, I would want to know, and, if these people are your friends, they'll want to know too.

That being said, there are some indirect things you can do to cut down on the amount of teasing you receive. If you aren't comfortable hearing someone else joke about a characteristic of yours, don't joke about it yourself. People joke about their own characteristics due to discomfort *or* because they have accepted those characteristics as fun idiosyncrasies that they have. If you joke about something you are actually sensitive about, you run the risk of people misinterpreting why you doing it. For example, I joke about the fact that I sing like a dying cow. I really have a terrible voice and I'm okay if someone kids me about it. I might make comments about my weight, but I don't joke about it because I know that I would easily get my feelings hurt if someone teased me about being overweight.

Also, if you tease others, they will assume it is okay to tease you. My SFIL is someone who teases others and gets all puffy if people ask him to knock it off, but will sulk or complain if anyone dares tease him. In my mind, he violates the two cardinal rules of affectionate teasing. First, he doesn't stop if asked to. That, to me, shows that the teasing really isn't all that affectionate to begin with otherwise he would want to respect the feelings of those he was teasing. Second, he gives without wanting to take any teasing. That sends mixed messages. Third, and completely unrelated to this discussion, he's a pain in the ass who is permanently on my list for bothering one of my beloved kitties.

I know that for me, teasing is one of the main ways I show affection because of the way I was brought up. My dad and I don't hug or say "I love you" or things of that nature. Instead, we'll gently tease one another and I feel close to my father. It isn't something that we do to be mean, it is just our way of showing affection. I'm just putting this out there because I want you to understand that, as long as your friends are good people, they aren't teasing you to be mean, they are doing it because that is one way they show that they like you. If they know you don't like it, I'm sure they would stop. I certainly would stop if I knew I was hurting someone I cared about.

I hope that you can ask them to stop. There is no reason for you to be getting your feelings hurt when they don't need to be.

[houseblend]

Thanks for the replies.

I haven't said anything to them, except once when my sister actually came back later and apologized. I don't view it as being a doormat - I guess I'm just wondering if I am being overly sensitive?

Paperweight - I have thought of inviting people over to cook, and actually did once (didn't stop the comments, though). Unfortunately I'm too afraid that if I do again, I will get nervous and mess up, defeating the entire purpose.

I guess I just don't understand the point of making fun. I don't feel I ever make fun of any of my friends for their past. One of my friends who made fun of how I used to "not be able to boil water," isn't exactly much of a cook herself. It never even occurred to me to laugh about it in front of her. :confused: Maybe I should say something next time, I'm just not sure how to phrase it.

[houseblend]

trefoil - We cross-posted. I appreciate your honesty in saying you do tease others and understanding that is how your family shows affection. That's actually how my dad shows me affection, and honestly one of the reasons I think I am more sensitive to it. I would rather him have just said, "I love you; I think you are great" all these years.

As far as making fun of myself - I do on certain things (like singing), but can't recall ever doing so on the things I am more sensitive about (such as cooking). And, as I mentioned in the cross-post, I really don't think I ever make fun of anyone else. Maybe I do and don't realize it, though? Something I will have to examine deeper.

Anyway, again, thanks. I will have to figure out what to say next time someone teases and learn to find a way to say I don't like it.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

It isn't in what you say -- it is how it's said.

Do they sound edgy or terse or snotty when they say these things? If so, that's uncalled for.

[miel]

That's interesting--my family does that too. I don't like it either.

I think my pattern was that I had friends who were crazy and demanding--just like my parents are sometimes.

Finally...Well, not even that long ago, alas--I had it and just got rid of those people.

I really do think that we find people that push our buttons at times but I think when you have 'had enough' you will look for a different type of friend--someone supportive and on your side. Not someone who ridicules you.

[Wrighty26]

People have ribbed and made fun of me since I was little. It used to hurt, a lot, but I have finally realized that people tend to do this to make themselves feel better. I admit, it still hurts sometimes...but instead of letting them get to me, I try to think of comebacks. I know it's not the most mature solution, but it works in a non-confrontational way.

Also, embrace your the flaws--especially the ones that pointed out to you by others--it's a part of who are you, and nobody should have the right to make you feel otherwise!

[Brandles]

I have a step-FIL like this. You may have followed my stories about him over in ES on the WC. He just can't get over things and brings them up over and over. He'll still bring up the year OSU went to the Rose Bowl because DH doesn't like OSU and likes Michigan instead. For months after Bush won, he pushed it in DH's face because DH was strongly anti-Bush and pro-Nader.

He always finds something from way back to bring out and make fun of. One day, I asked if he was an only-child since conversations have to revolve around him, and he told me he was. :rolleyes: I don't doubt it. No offense to only-children...I'm one, too...but I don't have to have all the attention focused on me (unless it's my birthday! ;) ).

[houseblend]

Miel - Kudos to you for being able to walk away from those types of friends. I have considered that, but honestly I would not have many friends left then! It is really hard for me to make new friends lately. Something definitely to think about, though, as maybe it is better to have no social life than to be around people unsupportive.

Wrighty26 - My problem is I always come up with comebacks too late - later that night laying in bed. Then the next time I see them, I prepare what I will say, but then by chance they don't say anything that time. It seems it's the times I'm unprepared that they catch me offguard by making comments. I guess I need to learn to always be on guard. Unfortunately it's not my style and I don't enjoy having to go into a situation that way, but maybe after enough times it would teach them to quit.

Brandles - That's gotta suck having a FIL like that - no avoiding him. Can't make the holidays very fun!

[paiger]

My problem is I always come up with comebacks too late - later that night laying in bed. Then the next time I see them, I prepare what I will say, but then by chance they don't say anything that time. It seems it's the times I'm unprepared that they catch me offguard by making comments. I guess I need to learn to always be on guard. Unfortunately it's not my style and I don't enjoy having to go into a situation that way, but maybe after enough times it would teach them to quit.


if you throw out a one-liner, then they are going to assume you are kidding and keep going. i think it would be better to just have a general response that you say to everything until they get the picture. i also would say it in a non-joking but not totally snarky tone of voice...just totally monotone.

like 'oh, aren't you just f*cking hilarious' or tamer 'you're such a comedian', or just something to that extent. if they person is joking w/ you about something they can't do either (like the cooking), my person favorite is 'the pot calling the kettle black' line. i'm more of a joking person, but i can tell when it's uncalled for as i've also been the 'victim' to the obsessive joking. DH's family is REALLY bad about this, which ticks me off, and it caused some serious issues b/w DH and i until he figured out my limit. he also learned quickly to NEVER do that to me in front of other people.

so, instead of stressing about come-backs. i would just practice the 'that's not funny' attitude that will let people know that you don't appreciate being how they make themselves feel better.

[brenda]

My family does this, too. I have never really fit in with them, though. I think that sometimes they're trying to give us something in common, and sometimes they're trying to compliment something that has changed (now I can cook, now I don't sleep late, etc.), and sometimes they're just insensitive (depends on who and what they say and how).

When they get to a sensitive subject, I just look at whoever and say something to point out how rude the comment really is. For example, when my father made a comment about how I'd lost weight but still have a way to go (he's such a charmer) I said something along the lines of, "Wow, it's good to know I look better than I did, but I'm still a heifer. Thanks. Comments like that do wonders for my self-image."

Next time someone comments on how you used to not be able to cook, say something like, "And I suppose you sprung from the womb whipping up souffles? Most people have to learn from their mistakes."