Here we go again...holiday frustrations w/my parents

[chefker]

This might get long, so please bear with me!

This Thanksgiving sounds like it'll be a repeat of my 4th of July cookout this year, when my dad acted childish and pouted about coming to our house--so they didn't. I fill in the blanks on THAT situation in a bit. :rolleyes:

The present situation is thus: On my side of the family, sadly there's not too many left. As a result, my parents don't really have anywhere to spend the holidays. Generally, Christmas, 4th of July, and Easter, DH and I host at our house. For Thanksgiving, we have dinner with my IL's. They are a huge Italian family, and my IL's really like my parents. So I thought it was wonderful when my IL's invited my parents to join them for Thanksgiving dinner.

Mom told MIL that they will drive down to our house, then I will drive all 4 of us down to my IL'.s (We live about an hour south of my parents, and about an hour north of my IL's--so we're basically the 'midpoint'). So mom wanted to drive down Thursday morning; we go to dinner at my IL's, an early dinner at about 1:00; then leave about 5-6:00. Mom said too that she & dad would just stay over our house in the guest bedroom Thursday night, and she & I would hit the Christmas sales Friday morning. It sounded like a good plan to me and DH.

Anyway DH and I were all happy that mom & dad won't be sitting home alone on Thanksgiving. Then I started thinking, watch dad pull one of his tantrums until he gets his way, and not go--which means my mom would stay home too. Sadly, it sounds like dad's excuses for not coming, are already in the works. :(

Already my father is whining about coming here and staying over. Then, he uses the weather as an excuse. We are *maybe* getting one inch of snow Thursday morning, unless it turns into rain; however, DH has offered to drive all the way up to GET my parents, and bring them back here either Wednesday night or Thursday morning. I think this is pretty damn nice of DH to do this, just so they don't have to be afraid of driving in the snow.

Now this would mean, my parents would have to stay over here TWO nights if DH were to get them Wed. night. Dad says 'no, I'm not staying over there two nights in a row!" :rolleyes: OK...whatever. The other excuses are, of course, the snow; it's 'too cold out'; or, 'what if the car breaks down and we have to walk in the snow/rain etc." (Dad has also used this excuse on a beautiful summer day). Never mind that mom has a brand new car, a cell phone, AND Triple A. I think they can handle it if the damn car were to break down. The real story of course, is, dad will get it in his head "I want to stay home" and nobody will change his mind.

I say to that, fine...stay home. Let mom come over at least and enjoy herself. I'm sick of fighting with dad over the same topic, so that's that.
But then mom won't come over by herself....dad just gets his way and then SHE has to stay home too...which frustrates the hell out of all of us.

The same crap happened on 4th of July--when there wasn't even any SNOW to use as an excuse! We had a small family cookout at the house.

Dad started our day with the following excuses:

--It's too hot out! (It was 68 degrees in my house that day)

--There will be gridlock and heavy traffic because it's 4th of July! (I live in the sticks...it takes a while to get here on the back roads, but there is NEVER any heavy holiday traffic on those roads)

--What if the car breaks down and we have to walk two miles! (Again, mom has a BRAND NEW car; and, if the car DID break down for some reason, shes' got a damn cell phone and Triple A!!!)

So that morning of the 4th, between me, DH, and mom, we were all back and forth on the phone, trying to get dad to come down. Dad listed all the above excuses, and added one more, saying "I have a headache and it's too hot."

Since dad would not budge, we thought mom should just come down by herself; so DH then suggested we invite some of mom's cousins, who might be willing to drive with mom down to our house. At that point mom says "What's the point?" and added, "I'm sick and tired of him---we don't live anymore, we just EXIST", and hung up the phone while sobbing. DH then told me how upset mom is, crying, and then *I* got all upset and started crying. It was an awful day, I was still crying when my IL's came over that day.

I just DO NOT know what to do. My father acts like a petulant child, which is bad enough; but even worse, my mother lets him have his way. There's really no reason she couldn't just leave him home to sulk, if he's going to be this way. Why should my mom feel forced to stay home with him, when she's more than welcome to come without dad? I wish I could get through to her about this. I am not looking forward to the holidays at all, thanks to my dad.

[sea74]

This sounds a LOT like my MIL and FIL. Even before I met DH, my FIL didn't want to do ANYTHING w/family or be bothered to go anywhere that wasn't golfing w/his friends. So MIL basically decided that she would just go w/o him. She was tired of staying home and missing out because FIL wasn't a "people" person. I think it was hard for her to go places by herself for awhile, but then she got used to it and started enjoying her life again. I think you need to have a serious, not overly emotional talke w/your mom and tell her that if your dad decides to miss out on his life, that's his deal, but she can continue to live. She can choose to live and not just exist.

When my FIL died, it was "easier" on MIL because she did have outside activities and a network of friends that she could call on for help or to get her out of the house. Now, had she choosen to stay home all those years and miss out on stuff, I think she would have had a TERRIBLE time adjusting after FIL died.

Good luck!

[oshannon]

Wow - that's a really nasty place to be.

Has your dad always been like this, or is it something that's getting worse with age? I've noticed that happening with my dad - the older he gets, the less he wants to leave home. Much like sea74's, my mom has just started doing things on her own because my dad isn't a "people person".

It almost seems as if rather than fighting with your dad, you'd be better off working with your mom to develop a "life" of her own.

Good luck!

[eli1126]

Sorry that you are dealing with this when you should be excited about the upcoming holiday. FWIW my father pulls the same stuff with my mother, the only difference is that my mom has learned to leave him home. We all joke that "If it involves Dad leaving the driveway, don't count on it." Unfortunately, unless your mom chooses to leave him home, there isn't much that you can say to change her mind. What you can do is tell your mom she is more than welcome to come without him. If she chooses not to, try not to let it get you down, but always make sure that she knows she is welcome whether he comes or not! Good Luck!

Beth

[chefker]

When my FIL died, it was "easier" on MIL because she did have outside activities and a network of friends that she could call on for help or to get her out of the house.

I hate to say it, but I think if my dad pre-deceases my mom, mom will have her life back. She does have her own friends and does plenty of stuff without dad. It's just that the holidays are this weird sticking point with my dad.


oshannon~ Dad's always been like this. I should say, he's been like this since 1987--when he had a brain aneurysm and his personality completely changed. He WAS much more social before, but not now. And dad is now seeing a neuropsychologist for his 'issues' (really he should have gone ages ago, but the HMO was giving them a hard time about coverage. :rolleyes: ) I hope it'll help...because this is all very hard on mom.


eli1126- I've encouraged mom to do just that--leave dad at home if he pitches a fit. Especially after the 4th of July fiasco where she was in tears. I figured that was the last straw for her! She said (at the time) that she would just go without dad the next time this happened. I guess we'll see what happens for Thanksgiving....

I just hope things don't get worse, especially with baby #1--my parents' first grandchild--on the way. If dad pulls his stubborn act again, I'll probably be very lucky if they even come down to see the baby once he's here. And I don't plan on carting a newborn up to see them in the dead of winter...I would think they'd understand THAT too.

[jen]

Ahhh.... after reading your post I initially thought that maybe your dad is suffering from social anxiety---and when I read your other message about him being like this since his aneurysm, I thought even more that this may be some type of mind/body issue. Most people with social anxiety (I know this from experience!) make up every excuse in the book to get out of a social situation----and when it happens over and over again, it looks really rude to everyone around him/her. It's hard for everyone involved...especially for the person who has the anxiety and is trying to hide it.

I'm sorry this is so frustrating... it sounds like you are a wonderful daughter trying to include your parents and be with them on holidays. I know when I finally could confide in a friend about my anxiety, it made things much easier and I looked less like a jerk for bailing! Plus I got help which made my anxiety all but disappear.

[Pineknot]

I was thinking the same thing as Jen...social anxiety. Chefker, do you see this behavior in your Dad besides family get togethers? It might be something you want to ask him. It's a relief when you don't have to hide it anymore. If this is the case with your Dad, it'll help if he knows someone knows. One of the biggest signs is the ridiculous, pull-an-excuse-out-of-my hat, symptom.

I think, for now, you have to extend the invitations to functions, KNOW that your Dad will start making all his excuses and always tell Mom, "If you want to come by yourself, or need a ride, we would love to have just you." It sounds like half your frustrations are fighting the inevitable. :(

Good luck to you..and congrats on your future bundle of joy.

[chefker]

Yea, he's like this all the time...and it DOES appear to be getting worse with age. And, he does know that others know 'how he is'--both my DH & IL's are SO understanding and wonderful about his anxieties--but I don't really think dad CARES who knows....it's more like 'this is how it is, I want to stay home all the time, I don't care what anyone else thinks.'

I try so hard to see this from all sides, and be sympathetic to dad...I mean, he does have brain damage because of his aneurysm (plus he was in a coma for 17 weeks as a result of that..), I'm sure he doesn't *want* to be like this. And, he's been like this (to some degree) for nearly 20 years...you'd think I'd get used to it by now. But it is SO hard, and I don't want my mom to NOT live her life either. I really hope this neuropsychologist he is now seeing can help him. I have to give my mom credit for standing by him through all this, I don't know how she does it!

[ktsb]

I think you just hit the nail on the head. It sounds like your Mom is making her own choices and is a saint for sticking with him.

I know you feel awful but you've done all you can and it's been very admirable.

[Avalon]

Did your Mom come to Thanksgiving?

[Hangin'in]

Maybe the anxiety is part of the problem, but maybe another part of the problem is that he likes the idea of being begged and begged to come. My dad is exactly like this, only not the aneurysm part. My dad makes himself feel more important and loved when he is successful at manipulating those close to him into what he wants them to do. Maybe for Christmas, you should invite them... tell your mom that she doesn't have to stay with your dad, she can come by herself. Then, be done with it... if you don't continue to beg and plead, then he won't have the opportunity to give you all of his excuses. Let them know they will be missed, but you're not going to twist their arms to come.

In my family, the moment people stop pleading with my father to do something, he suddenly comes around. My mom did get tired of missing out on family events, so she comes by herself when she has to.