Is it possible to get over someone and move on even though you're still married?

[ilovepink]

My husband and I are getting divorced. However, we have to wait until he returns from Iraq and that isn't going to be until next summer sometime. So at least 7-8 months. Plus we have to wait 90 days after we file so best case scenario is 10-11 months from now. That's almost our 3rd Anniversary. We're getting divorced because he was unfaithful many many times. Everything we did he failed because he never actually took the steps that were given to him to get help. (we did counseling, church, bible studies, men's groups, etc.) I can't live life looking over my shoulder and through my husband's coats anymore so divorce just seems like the logical next step since nothing else has worked.

But I love him and I miss him. I know he's using that to his advantage. He sends me these emails full of apologies and promises I know he'll never keep. He calls and says he loves me and that everyone is pulling for us to work things out. That his friends keep telling him that he's losing an awesome woman that most guys would kill to have. And that they tell him that the girls he's messed around with in the past aren't worth losing what he's got. Then in the very next sentence he says that HE needs to decide whether or not he loves me and wants to stay married. Isn't it up to ME now?

Shouldn't I be the one to tell HIM whether or not he can love me? Whether I'm still available to him or not? The problem is, part of me is, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. That's why he plays the love card so much. It's like he thinks that he gets to decide whether or not I get hurt again though.

I don't know how to get over him. I'm still his wife. My gorgeous rings are still sitting in my jewelry bag. I see them and the stones sparkle and make me flirt with hope again. I hate it! It's like I make a decision and the next day I slowly back away from it like it might be the wrong one. Then I make another decision and do the same thing. How do I get over someone that I'm still married to? How do I pretend to not be married anymore and accept the divorce emotionally without going through with it legally for another year?

I feel like a crazy person being so indecisive. One minute I love him so much I almost feel the urge to put my rings back on and forget the whole thing ever happened. The next minute I want to throw them in the deepest part of the lake and send him hate letters for the rest of his miserable life.

I don't know how to be a single woman without REALLY being single. I feel so stuck. I'm working on applying for a bunch of medical related jobs because I'm planning on going back to school for Pediatrics and Nutrition. After I find work I can find a place to live and then I'll really be on my own. But still married.

A part of me is trying to be civil with him because I still rely on him for income for now. It sucks because I think that is DEFINITELY holding me back. He still has control of me that way. Maybe once I have my own money I won't feel so dependent. But emotionally, I'm still attached too.

How do I move on emotionally from someone who clearly doesn't love me the way I should be loved? Even if I love him more than anyone? I don't want to waste the next year of my life waiting for the new chapter to come to me when I could start writing it now. Any ideas? I know they don't always help but has anyone read a book about this lately? Other than "He's Just Not That Into You"?

Any answers would be great. :o

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Gee, that's too bad. Sorry to hear it.

He's been horrendously unfaithful -- this guy is a real passive aggressive type. He sure didn't give it serious thought when he was out being unfaithful, that this was going to ruin his relationshp with you, but here he is calling you and writing you letters, telling you he loves you.

How about love for you all along? Yet there he was, off being unfaiithful: gee, that's love?

The best way to go about this: do NOT open up any of his emails. Get another email addy and give everybody the change in address except him. See a letter from him? Rip it into shreds and toss it out: don't open it.

He's calling? Get your number changed. Don't let him have the number.

(of course, if you have kids, the situation is different, in which case tell him do not contact you unless it is related to a situation involving your children)

Why should you let yourself in for drama and his hot-and-cold behavior? It's not going to help you move on.

I have been there, too, through a divorce and the best way to move on is to make a clean break of it. Look into separated and divorced groups; churches run them; so do non-denominational groups.

Write him a Dear Jerk letter -- really let it rip -- and when you are done, rip up the sucker or delete it from your computer.

Take any momentos or pics and store them all away in a box. Seal the box and put it in a location where you won't be able to see it in your travels (a nice high shelf in an out of the way closet helps -- or stash the box way under your bed.)

I've also learned that your best means of emotional support are your friends and family (and don't expect to hear from his family or any of his friends, even if the friends were mutual friends of yours and your STBXH. It's not likely they'll call -- people feel funny, they don't want to be in the middle and some of them may not even care what's going on. It happens.)

I wish you luck. Take everything one day at a time. To me, once a cheater, always a cheater -- and get yourself checked for STDs. YOu never know where those women have been.

[Esq.]

May I ask why you have to wait so long to file for divorce? Maybe Washington has different laws, but generally I understand that both parties do not need to be present to file for divorce. One person can file, and have the other person served with the papers.

[Marie]

You could also file for legal separation. Just a thought - it might give you that mental clean break from him that you need.

I'm really sorry you are going through this but remember that it will get better with time. I like the previous poster's suggestions of boxing things up and such. Put your rings in there too. You have several months before you have to see him again - use the time to heal.

(((HUGS)))

[ilovepink]

Zelda I love all of your ideas, especially the Dear Jerk Letter! I hadn't thought of that. I gave all of my pictures and all that stuff to my sister to hang on to. That way I won't be tempted to look at it. I was tested for STD's including AIDS at my last annual which was after I had found out about that. It was the longest wait of my life. I was terrified but everything came out fine. And thankfully we don't have children so I don't have to worry about that part. Thank you for your help! I feel a little better now.

Kyrsten I had all the papers ready when he came home for R&R and we went to go file them and the attorney told us that since neither of us will be in the state the 90 day waiting period we need to wait until he comes home from Iraq. He said the judge would most likely throw it out because Steve is deployed and it would be illegal anyway since I don't live there anymore. The law in WA is that someone has to physically be in the state for the 90 day waiting period. I was originally told by another attorney that I had to be a WA resident but that I could move home if I wanted to. I was just not supposed to change my residency if that makes sense. Apparently that was wrong. So now we wait.

Marie I had considered legal separation but in WA we have to wait a full year after the sepapration is filed to be able to file for an actual divorce. So basically it would just drag it out even further. :(

I really should just pawn the rings and get it over with. Or sell them on Ebay or something. I'm tired of the false hope they give me. I just feel so guilty for some reason.

[gayle]

I am terribly sorry you are going through this.

First, get a job for yourself and end your financial dependence on him.
Second, put all your pictures, souvenirs etc from him in a box, and out in your garage.
Third, sell your rings, they might help you become more financially independent.
Fourth, file for divorce and pay for it yourself. It's possible that you might be able to file on the grounds of dissertion as he is not there, and has had numerous affairs (which is, in effect, emotional dessertion).
Do not get into discussions with him or listen to his false promises any longer. Talk to him only about divorce "business".

I know this is terribly hard, but having survived a divorce after 13 years of marriage, to a man who didn't cheat on me with other people,( he robbed my business account for years instead), I can tell you that you will get through it,survive, and be happier.

[snowzilla]

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said - but, I did go through something similar (but replace the cheating with physical and emotional abuse) - I knew I was leaving my ex long before I left him, but, unfortunately, there were kids involved and I didn't have a lot of money, so it was a long process that involved secretively being on a waiting list for government-funded housing.

Anyways, part of my "healing" process was to start a journal, and write down all of the things I felt about how he treated me. That way, when I was feeling weak or scared about the future, I could open up that journal, read all the crap he had put me through, and it strengthened my resolve to stand up for myself and get out of that situation. I kept the journal after I left him, and when I was feeling lonely or felt like I had made a mistake, I pulled out that journal, and every time I read it, I knew I had made the right decision for myself and the kids.

Good luck to you.

[DiscoDiva]

How do I move on emotionally from someone who clearly doesn't love me the way I should be loved?
Every morning, you wake up and look in the mirror and say, "I deserve to find someone who loves me the way I should be loved."

[villanelle75]

Quote:
How do I move on emotionally from someone who clearly doesn't love me the way I should be loved?

Every morning, you wake up and look in the mirror and say, "I deserve to find someone who loves me the way I should be loved."


"...And I refuse to be manipulated by a few sweet but insincere emails into staying with a man who can't give me what I need ."

[DiscoDiva]

To add: I was "over" my ex husband by the time we got our divorce. I still cared about and loved him as a person, but was not 'in love' with him. We had emotionally separated from each other at least a year before our divorce. So yes, you can get over someone, even if you are friends, get along great, and live in the same house!

[MandyMaloo]

Wow. I think you have gotton some amazing advice from these very smart ladies here. I just came to say that I am so very sorry that you're going through such a hard time right now. My thoughts are with you, and I'm sure the perfect man for you is out there waiting right now :) Good luck finding him! :)

[Zelda Von Yitz]

More things to do with your time:

Volunteer somewhere -- soup kitchen, rec center in town, hospital, fundraiser group, etc.

Join the Y or take up a new sport -- a group sport is good (volleyball, bowling, kickbox lessons) so is tennis. (lots of tennis clubs also sponsor leagues for beginners)

Join a professional organization or one geared to professionals (Rotary is a good one)

Keep busy. The more busy you are, the less you're bound to dwell on wondering what was meant to be/not meant to be with the STBXH.

Keeping a journal's a good idea -- I kept one for the entire year from the time the xH was gone up until a year later. I usually wrote in it on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

[luzbel]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Nobody should be placed in your situation, where it feels like you have no way out and everything just seems to be more and more confusing.

I was in a relationship once (not a marriage, so my situation was less difficult than yours) where the guy played the 'love card' daily. I'm sorry to say this, but I think he's manipulating you with it, just like I was manipulated for many months.

When I look back, I know he probably meant all he said and was being 'honest' at that split second, but I also know that he was disfuntional. He was emotionally handicapped. I'm not saying that this is exactly what is happening in your case, but reading about how he's incapable of following through counseling & any other help, I would bet my money on it.

I had a very similar scenario. He would promise, say he loved me, that I was the best thing ever to happen in his life, too good for him, etc, over and over and over again, only to turn around and do something hurtful. I was torn between feeling deeply unhappy and believing what I was told and tolerating him in hopes that it would be true.

In my case, it wasn't true (that he loved me) even if he meant it. He was incapable of truly loving someone because of his own emotional issues. That is why he seemed like two different people. Actions opposite to words. Sometimes he would say he needed a break, the next second he was in tears saying he needed me in his life or he would be nothing.

I loved him so much back then, he had once been so absolutely wonderful that the idea of letting go and forgetting all that happened between us was unbearable. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, would cry everyday at random times.

One thing turned me around and pulled me out of the hole. Somebody asked me: Don't think about if HE wants to be with you, think if YOU want to be with him. That and several other things helped a lot: 1. The situation got so extreme (he didn't sleep at home for several days, his neglect and behavior were clearly verbally abusive) that I had no doubt whatsoever that it wasn't ME who had the major problem, it was HIM; and 2. I took a short trip to my hometown & the comfort I felt from my friends and in this case, Nature back home, was a very refreshing reminder that I could be happy outside this relationship. 3. Even if I was never unfaithful, several men expressed an honest and healthy interest/care for me, another reminder that I was worth enough to NOT be in a situation like this.

I'm sorry to make this post so long, but I just feel for you. If you're feeling anything to what I felt, it must be a very lonely and chaotic place. I, for one, couldn't function too well in my day to day life, just due to the emotional wreck this would cause me.

But once I made up my mind everything went uphill. Slowly but surely. I never turned back, even when he begged and called and sent messages and gifts (while with another girl). I didn't ever consider taking him back, it was too high a cost and risk to my own wellbeing.

I took care of myself and indulged myself, the way one would during a very bad cold :) Two friends helped me a lot, listening to hours and hours of me complaining and telling them how I was mistreated and how it was insane in minute detail (I said I was self-indulgent :) ) They took me out for coffee or a walk, asked if I was ok, etc. I watched lots of TV, did only things that I liked whenever I could, let my friends spoil me, planned a vacation (big plus), re-decorated, bought myself stuff I've always wanted. With everyday that passed, things got better...until I was fully healed (I can still remember that day when I was walking home and noticed the beautiful colors on a tree bark, I called up one of my friends to tell him and he said: "you noticed, because you're happy")

....I hardly watch any TV nowadays ;)

[Secret_Squirrel]

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Your are 100% right - it is up to you. You don't need to let him string you along anymore.

I was divorced in the state of Washington a few years ago, and know a couple of other people who have also gone through it. So part of your post does not ring true:


I had all the papers ready when he came home for R&R and we went to go file them and the attorney told us that since neither of us will be in the state the 90 day waiting period we need to wait until he comes home from Iraq. He said the judge would most likely throw it out because Steve is deployed and it would be illegal anyway since I don't live there anymore. The law in WA is that someone has to physically be in the state for the 90 day waiting period. I was originally told by another attorney that I had to be a WA resident but that I could move home if I wanted to. I was just not supposed to change my residency if that makes sense. Apparently that was wrong. So now we wait.

Your attorney is wrong, get a new one. Seriously.

Let's tackle the first thing: You both need to reside in the state during the 90 day period.

Wrong. You only need to reside in the state when you file the petition.

Here's a quote from the WA State Bar Association pamphlet on divorce (entire pamphlet here: http://www.wsba.org/media/publications/pamphlets/dissolution.htm)
"Residency Requirements

You need only to reside in Washington on the date that your petition for dissolution of marriage is filed."

So you can file, then move home.

The second thing: The judge will throw it out because Steve is deployed.

Not necessarily. While it is true that active duty military can be exempt from lawsuits, the divorce can proceed if your husband agrees to it.

From Lawyers.com page on Military Divorce (full page: http://www.lawyers.com/lawyers/A~1023964~LDS/MILITARY+DIVORCE.html):

"... if the spouse of a military member is the one seeking a divorce, the active duty spouse must be personally served with a summons and petition for divorce in order for a state court to have jurisdiction over the military member.

If the active duty spouse is overseas or deployed, you may request that military authority serve your spouse, but your spouse must consent to service. If your spouse will not consent, you may request the court to appoint an officer of the court to serve the papers unless your spouse is serving on a ship or at a shore installation."

Also - the petition is not "thrown out" - it's delayed until he returns. The Lawyers.com site explains it:
"Military personnel have some legal protection from divorce proceedings that are not granted to the public at large. Under the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (SCRA) military men and women are protected from lawsuits including divorce proceedings to enable them “to devote their entire energy to the defense needs of the Nation.” A court may delay legal proceeding for the time that the service member is on active duty and for 60 days following active duty.

Personally, when I was in a similar position, filing the papers made me feel like I was taking control of my life back. Even if the proceedings will be delayed until he returns, I'd feel better knowing I had taken all the steps I could and gotten the process started.

And maybe he'll agree? You can always go forward with it and see what happens. He might just sign the papers. And if he doesn't, at least you're moving on.

[HeatherFL]

The simple answer is yes.

My ex-husband asked me for a separation after returning from a trip to Europe. A trip that the young (very young) woman he is now dating also attended, though he swears nothing happened.

I was devastated. I still wore my wedding rings, I had so much hope. I really wanted to save the marriage. He was having none of it other than working on a friendship.

Months later, out of nowhere a relationship between me and a man no one in the world would have paired me with just blossomed. I had known him for years and because of a few different components, I had no business becoming involved with him. Here I am almost a year later. My divorce was was finalized almost 8 months ago and I have been with my SO for over a year. We live in a beautiful home and though there have been some rough patches, things are great. I have never been happier.

Though I wasn't divorced when I got involved with my SO, I was separated and there was no chance or desire for me to get back together with my husband at the time. I give thanks every day for how things turned out. I am in such a better place now.

Best of luck to you,

~H.

[Asha]

i agree with many of the pp advise.

[Cali*Girl]

All I can say is I empathize.

Thinking of you...

[Alicia]

i'm so sorry you're going through this. a lot of good advice has already been said, so i don't want to repeat too much .... but just to let you know that 10-11 month period before things can be final is NOTHING! in Maryland (where i live) you have to be legally separated for at least a year before you can file for a divorce- so that's the stage i'm at... it's been just about a year. i think somoene already mentioned it- but ask an attorney about legal separation.

the first couple months WILL be difficult. the feelings of confusion you're having, worried about dating, etc. are all normal. the best advice i can give (and what i still remind myself today) is to take things one day at a time, and one thing at a time. with each mini-goal you accomplish.... a new job, a new place to live, a new activity you get involved in, you'll get the confidence you need to move on to the next thing.

for now, just take care of yourself ... talking to a therapist can really help, too.

[Julss05]

To add: I was "over" my ex husband by the time we got our divorce. I still cared about and loved him as a person, but was not 'in love' with him. We had emotionally separated from each other at least a year before our divorce.
That's exactly how I felt when I finally left my ex husband!

My ex cheated as well on numerous women I don't know, he only admitted to one girl who was married as well who he worked with. At first he said it only happened once and then later on he said it was basically every chance they got. There was no good reason for it really and to me showed a lack of respect to me and our marriage. I tried to forgive but couldn't and knew I couldn't stay in the marriage unless I forgave him and could trust him again.

It's scary to end a marriage and kind of start your life over. We were able to get a divorce in December after filing in June. We had no kids or property, agreed on the finances and cars so there wasn't much to do after the paperwork was done. I moved in with a roommate and he left the state. He called a few times after the divorce but eventually stopped once he realized I wasn't coming back. If I was you, you mentioned you want to get in the medical field...I would go through training now if you need it to become more financial stable before he comes back. There are lots of medical jobs you can be trained for that don't take that long like medical transcription (I did that), medical coding and billing, occupational or physical therapy assistant, or a surgical technician (my friend went to school for about a year for that).

Good luck and best wishes!:)