Divorced/Single Members - Let's Meet Here!

[claribella]

Greetings!

This thread is for all those Divorced members. Also Single Members.

I know that the majority, well all of us, are from WC and are married. But I'm just hoping I'm not the only Divorce/Single Member/Parent in this wonderful community.

So, just wanted to create a gathering place for us! :) :D

[jeepgirl]

You're not alone!

History: I was engaged, and that's how I found WC. A year after the engagement I called the wedding off (joined WC in 2001 and called off the engagement in 2002). Lots of planning for a wedding that didn't happen... Its okay though, I am comforted with the conviction that I did the right thing. I have never been married, am currently single, and do not have children (but would like some someday).

Present: I recently went back to school and am working towards a RN/BSN (Registered Nurse, Bachelor of Science in Nursing).

What about you? Divorced? Never Married? Children?

Anyone else?

[kmtiger]

Count me in! ;)

I found the other board as I was planning my wedding in 2001. I was married in July 2001. We were divorced in April 2004. We had no children.

I am currently dating (and living with) a wonderful man. He has two children who feel like my own.

Glad to see that there are a few others out there! :)

[claribella]

Hello jeepgirl and kmtiger - Glad I'm not alone

I found WC in summer 2001. My wedding was October 2001. I left my husband June 2004, 2 months after I had our boy.

I'm glad I finally left him as he was a very emotionally, mentally, and physically draining man and was turning me into a woman who wouldn't be a good mother.


The divorce has been hard though cuz of the baby. He is ridiculous on some issues when it comes to the baby but lately its been ok. The divorce was just recently official as I signed the last of the papers just a couple of weeks ago!

Glad to see you!

[Alicia]

you can add me to the count.
legally i'm "separated" but that's only because the state of Maryland requires a year separation before you can legally divorce.

here's my history: joined WC when I was planning my wedding. Was married Oct. 7, 2001. Married for exactly three years... yep- on Oct. 7, 2004 the proverbial sh!t hit the fan. divorce will probably be mid-November, since it was mid-November when he officially moved out of the house. sold the house in March and I moved closer to friends and family.

No kids.

I have good days and bad days. But time is certainly helping in the healing process. Although I have a long way to go in really understanding everything that went down, I do know that my life will be MUCH better without him in it.

He wants to remain "friends" but his betrayal was too deep.

[Georgiana]

I became a member of WC because at the time I was getting married as well.
Now fast forward three years -still no wedding or marriage.

Each time we tried to plan the wedding, things fell apart like job layoff, We hating one another, and other personal crap too deep to mention here.

As time goes on. I am at this fork in the road as to wondering if I will ever get married and do I still want to marry the man I am with. We have had alot of stress and problems that at this piont I do not see me marrying him at all. I think at this moment, If I were to marrry, I would be planning my divorce.

Iam at a crossroads at the moment regarding the state of our relationship and I am taking it one day at a time. However, I highly doubt that this relationship will last a long time. It's sad because I love him, but us being together is simply not in the cards.

[Alicia]

oh yikes, what a frustrating situation to be in Georgiana, you can tell me to butt out and mind my own business if you want, but have you tried going to see a counselor or therapist? not necessarily a couples one, but maybe someone who can help you figure out your feelings??? since i don't know your situation, a couples one may be necessary, too... but what really got my attention was this:
I think at this moment, If I were to marrry, I would be planning my divorce.
I never thought divorce was an option for me, and now that i'm in the middle of it, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. seriously, i've never felt so much emotional pain in my life (maybe i've been lucky up until this point not to face such a harsh life-event).

As hard as it may be now to break things off with him, it will be so much harder if you were to get married and then have it lead to divorce. And by this:
I am taking it one day at a time. However, I highly doubt that this relationship will last a long time. It's sad because I love him, but us being together is simply not in the cards.
I think you already know the answer.

I'm not advocating anything at the moment, but really listen to your heart and instincts, and if you really do love him and he loves you (he's gotta show that!) and you're both willing to seriously work hard at whatever your challenges are, then there still may be some hope.

Good Luck!! (and i hope you don't mind my unsolicited advice).

[Georgiana]

Girl,

You are not butting in... I appreciate your post.

However, I think that what is making me drag my heels is that we have been living together for as long as we have been together and I see him for what he really is . He is not the man I met. I have been to couseling and in a nutshell, our situation needs to go either one way or the other. He has been married twice before and I simply don't want to be wife#3 until he figures out why and how is last two marriages went wrong and not make those same mistakes.
I told him my discontent in our relationship and as he always do, he twists it around to make him look like the victim and me doing him wrong.
I am thinking that he needs to be by himself and live life being a single man instead of running from one relationship to another like he has been. I know what it's like to be single but I don't know what it's like to be in a committed relationship. I am learning the hard way and the wrong way with the wrong person.

This relationship is draining and I feel worn out by it all.

ETA: I almost listened to my heart and I damn near ruined it by doing so.. So needless to say, I am gun shy at the moment....

[claribella]

Hello ladies!

Men, can't live with can't kill right! :P

[Katy]

I saw this on my MSN and thought it sounded kind of witty. And who knows, sometimes this stuff is even useful (though I wouldn't call myself a fan of eminem, but that's just me).

I'm sure we've all been there and done that at one time or another when it comes to men, and this list may just come in handy down the road - but feel free to take it with a grain of salt too :D

Ten Things Every Single Girl Must Own... (http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=4320&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657)

Katy

ETA: if anyone feels this is out of context, please feel free to PM me and I can delete it. I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way.

[katzmeow671]

Hey Gals, I was divorced in 2001 after a 10 year marriage but am now happily re-married. The difference in my two marriages is night and day. I have a 7 1/2 year old little girl with my first husband and still battle constantly with him over issues with her (mainly him not having enough contact with her, non payment of child support, etc.). I know not everyone here is divorced necessarily but I'd love to check in here now and then and offer support when I can.

[Elizabeth]

Hi guys, I am legally separated and the divorce will be final in Nov. I found WC while planning my 9/02 wedding. 9 months after we married, my ex told me he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. After a year of pure torture after that - of me trying to make it work and him just criticizing/ignoring me - we separated last August. It's hard, but I think I'm much happier now and will find a much more "real" love in the future.

"He wants to remain "friends" but his betrayal was too deep." - This statement applies to me also. Although I haven't heard from him since we filed in May. I think I've made it clear to him that I'm never going to be "okay" with what he did to me.

I've made some wonderful friends on the WC through this process. I got tremendous support as I journaled the ups and downs of watching my marriage fail and starting a new life. It doesn't bother me that it's a wedding site, b/c I love these girls and... I'm looking forward to planning my next wedding on here!

[claribella]

My divorce is now officially and totally final. I signed the last of the paper work.

This is such a relief! I'm glad this is over and its been a year and a month since I've left him and I think less and less of him and our 5 years together.

Now I get to sit back and pray that our son doesn't grow up looking *to* much like his father or act *to* much like his father. But my son is the best!

Welcome to the new posters!

[kmtiger]

I just wanted to stop in and say welcome to the new posters.

Elizabeth - There's no doubt that it's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go thru. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Try to stay positive...maybe we'll plan our next weddings together! :D

[tenofcups]

I also came to WC while I was planning my wedding, which was August 2002. Very shortly after our one year anniversary, we decided to divorce. In a nutshell, our marriage sucked--it was everything I'd never wanted in a marriage and had none of the "benefits" of being married or even being in a partnership with someone.

While I was deciding whether or not to leave, I "met" someone who I had actually met 20 years earlier in college and run into very off and on through the years (the last time had probably been 10 years earlier). I'd never felt any attraction to him, but when we met this time, there were total fireworks. We didn't "act" on those fireworks until my ex- and I officially decided to divorce but we were in touch, first by email and then by phone and eventually in person.

I now live with him and am happier than I have ever been in my life.

I married my ex- with all good intentions, but it simply didn't work. And I'm grateful that I did marry him because I do believe that was something that I needed to do and experience in order to be with current Fh now. So...no regrets...

Fh and I are about to plan our own wedding. My first was what I call "modern formal" -- it was formal but definitely got rid of traditions that didn't work for us: 130 or so people, Saturday night, black tie optional, 1o-piece band, top-shelf open bar, etc. In all honesty, it was a blast and exactly what I wanted and I do remember how happy the ex and I were.

This one will be completely different--only our parents, sisters and their husbands, and 3 nieces. It will not be a "big deal," but I do want it to be "special"--although it will be small and intimate, I've told FH that I feel that we still "deserve" to have a day that will be special and memorable to us.

I honestly believe that marrying my ex-husband was part of a necessary process for me--it allowed me to learn and do the things that I needed in order to be with FH, a man and a parternship that suits me perfectly.

[katzmeow671]

I honestly believe that marrying my ex-husband was part of a necessary process for me--it allowed me to learn and do the things that I needed in order to be with FH, a man and a parternship that suits me perfectly.

I totally agree with you. My ex was very controlling not to mention verbally abusive although I didnt' recognize it as "abuse" at the time. I completely lost myself during that marriage and it took a lot of work on my part to find out what I want and need in life after that experience. I am proud of who I am now and have some great life lessons to pass on to my daughters when they get older. My point is if I wouldn't have endured everything I did with him, I wouldn't be the strong and happy woman I am today.

[maxandmolly]

Another single checking in here- not a former WC'er, but once you got this new site up and running it was recommended to me by one. Never been married, never been engaged........and tired of getting funny looks for being of a 'certain age' (I am not that old!) without being married or having kids. Anybody else getting that, or do I just work with a bunch of old-fashioned Southern women who can't fathom life without a man?
Even though I've never been married, I do understand what some of you said about going through bad relationships to get you where need to be for the right one. I am just starting a new relationship after yet another disaster, hoping I've finally learned whatever stupid lesson I'm supposed to have learned!

[Georgiana]

Another single checking in here- not a former WC'er, but once you got this new site up and running it was recommended to me by one. Never been married, never been engaged........and tired of getting funny looks for being of a 'certain age' (I am not that old!) without being married or having kids. Anybody else getting that, or do I just work with a bunch of old-fashioned Southern women who can't fathom life without a man?
Even though I've never been married, I do understand what some of you said about going through bad relationships to get you where need to be for the right one. I am just starting a new relationship after yet another disaster, hoping I've finally learned whatever stupid lesson I'm supposed to have learned!

I get that look too.. Then again I got a more silly look when I told people I was engaged -I never understood that :confused: I got snide comments like I was too mean to have a man,what kind of man would marry me, I hope I learned to keep a clean house, hope I am a better cook, Why are you trying to marry up a white boy...The list goes on and on.... When I thought I was getting married and in the mist of planning,folks devalued everything I was trying to achieve, thought it was a joke. I was so pissed about the matter, I did not want to invite anyone to the wedding.
At this point in my "relationship", I need to figure out what is going to be best for me If that is making this thing work (not alone of course) or moving along in my life. Right now things look so bad that I really don't care what happens. If I was in a better financial situation, I think I would be posting that I am moving out, but right now I am STUCK here in the house with him.....
I need to take it easy and take this day by day -there could be someone new in the picture, but I am not going to wish for that at this point. I'm not going to mess around with someone until I get my head together and out of the mess I am in.

[jeepgirl]

Maxandmolly - I live in central florida too. Welcome neighbor! Hey... you're not THAT old!!! (Have to say that cuz we're the same age.) I take comfort in the fact that it is very "IN" these days to get married in your thirties. I also look at my twenties and realize how much I have learned and am actually SO GLAD that I am learning these things BEFORE getting married. Some people might be smart about marriage, etc. at a younger age, but as for me, I think its really a good thing it hasn't materialized. There is a right time for everything, no? For now I'm focusing on getting my life in order and doing things that I could not do if I were married and/or had children (or atleast could not as easily do.

And, I'm DETERMINED, that my 30's are going to be the best decade of my life so far!!!! Woohoo!

[maxandmolly]

Georgiana, don't let money hold you back- it's not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Rent a tiny studio apt, crash on a friend's couch, whatever, but you'll make it work.
JeepGirl, yeah, we're not that old!! And I am very glad that I'm I haven't found the right one up to now- well, sort of. I look at my various ex's and know without a doubt that none of them were the right one! But I think I'm at that point in my life now, where I'm ready to find him. Who knows? The new one might be him, but it's still very early in to things.
But 30 is creeping up on me. Yuck.

[Georgiana]

Georgiana, don't let money hold you back- it's not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Rent a tiny studio apt, crash on a friend's couch, whatever, but you'll make it work.
JeepGirl, yeah, we're not that old!! And I am very glad that I'm I haven't found the right one up to now- well, sort of. I look at my various ex's and know without a doubt that none of them were the right one! But I think I'm at that point in my life now, where I'm ready to find him. Who knows? The new one might be him, but it's still very early in to things.
But 30 is creeping up on me. Yuck.


That would be a great idea if I had friends here and did not have a kid... I am so afraid to disrupt her life without a definate plan of action. :(

[oneday someday]

Georgiana: I feel like you have taken words right from my own mouth and thoughts from my own head. I, too, am in a similar situation and not really sure what will happen from day to day. It's such a sad feeling and state to be in.

As time goes on. I am at this fork in the road as to wondering if I will ever get married and do I still want to marry the man I am with. We have had alot of stress and problems that at this piont I do not see me marrying him at all. I think at this moment, If I were to marrry, I would be planning my divorce...I am at a crossroads at the moment regarding the state of our relationship and I am taking it one day at a time. ...I told him my discontent in our relationship and as he always do, he twists it around to make him look like the victim and me doing him wrong...I know what it's like to be single but I don't know what it's like to be in a committed relationship. I am learning the hard way and the wrong way with the wrong person.
I could not have said it better. There are a lot of stresses and none of them seem to be making our relationship or the feelings we have for each other any stronger. Right at this moment, I can't even think about us being married. All we can do is take it one day at a time. It isn't easy, though, but we have to try and be strong for ourselves at least. Yes, I am way too familiar with HIM being the victim. Can't quite figure that one out myself. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I had tried to start a Journal on WC to vent my feelings, but it was just too hard. I wasn't even confiding in friends and letting my feelings just well up inside me. Please use your support lines if you have them. My friends (good friends, not just random acquaintances) help me try to sort out my feelings without being overly judgemental. The last thing you need is stress from friends on top of the stress from your relationship.

Originally posted by maxandmolly: Georgiana, don't let money hold you back- it's not a good enough reason to stay with someone. Rent a tiny studio apt, crash on a friend's couch, whatever, but you'll make it work.
I agree 100%. I was so fed up a few months ago, that I had found a cute studio apartment. Before I told him that I was planning on moving on, he seemed to want to work things out. So, I stayed. If you have friends or can find a small place, do it if you need to. I don't have a lot of money either, but trust me, when you're REALLY ready, you'll find a way and a place to be.

[Alicia]

Hi.. just popping in to try and catch up. Its very interesting to see the many different expereinces we've all had. Elizabeth, i think we have very similar situations and i saw the note you posted in my WC journal, so I'll try to respond there or in your journal (or at least i think you're the same person, otherwise i'm confusing you with someone else).

To all the girls here that have been divorced and are now in better/happier situations, you're all my heroes so i'm glad you're a part of this thread. I still have a lot of fears and a lot to learn about myself, but I'm hoping one day to be able to move forward and find the same happiness you've found.

[cyd_96]

I'm also a former WCer and divorcee. Married in March 2003, he left April 2004, divorce was final July 2004.

It was a marriage that never should have happened. As with many of you I learned a lot from it and realized that you can't fit a square peg into a round hole.

We all learn through experiences and time. My first husband was my starter husband. From it, I learned what I like, what I can live with, and what I can't stand. Just like a starter house! The next one will be the one to grow old with/in. ;)

[Georgiana]

I simply don't know if I want to get into another relationship to a point that It gets serious again.... I don't think I want the headache....

[Alicia]

My first husband was my starter husband. From it, I learned what I like, what I can live with, and what I can't stand. Just like a starter house! The next one will be the one to grow old with/in. ;)

Did you read this book? i think it's called "the starter marriage" or maybe something different.... i find the theory really interesting- i went to find it at a bookstore the other day and instead four a novel called the "starter marriage" i think the author is Kate Harrison. I've only read about 10 pages so far of the novel so i can critique it beyond being able to relate to some of the initial feels the main character is having (such as weekdays being so much better than weekends right now).

[cyd_96]

Alicia, no, I haven't heard of that book - but I will need to go get it! Let me know how it goes!

I know what you mean about weekdays being better than weekends. And 3 day weekends are even worse (of course, add a holiday on top of it, which is all about family, kids, etc. - ugh) I was so depressed this last 4th of July weekend. I never thought I'd see the day when I wanted to go back to work after the weekend. Memorial day was the same. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for Labor day. Need to go out of town.

[Alicia]

cyd i had such a horrible 4th of July. i even turned down plans to see fireworks with some friends b/c I knew I'd wouldn't be good company...i broke down several times throughout the entire weekend, including onece when i stormed out of my parents house because i just couldn't deal (they had invited me over for bbq monday night.... but an hour into being at their house my mom and i had a horrible fight... later that evening we worked everything out over the phone, but the spat was a direct cause from the depressed state i had been in all weekend). I've been seeing a therapist (on the theory that i'm not letting my ex f*ck up the rest of my life), which has been a huge help, and she claims that periods like these are necessary to go through as part of the growing process. but it's still pure torture. it's so nice that i'm not alone! Labor Day- ugggh, i totally forgot about that one.

here's the website for the non-fiction book I mentioned: http://www.startermarriages.com/

and here's a pic of the novel that I just bought:
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0451216040.01._PE20_SCMZZZZZZZ_.jpg
still only 10 pages in, so i can't give an opinion yet.

ETA: eeeks the picture is to small, but the title is indeed "The Starter Marriage" and the author is Kater Harrison.

[katzmeow671]

I wanted to recommend a book to those of you with kids... its called "The Courage to be a Single Mother" and it will give you the strength and the power to realize that you WILL be alright and so will your children. I think I stayed in my marriage for as long as I did because I didn't want to hurt my daughter but in the long run, she would have been harmed more by me staying in an abusive situation. Not physical abuse... mental and emotional was his way of hurting me. It took me looking into the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me to realize it was time to go. Oh, and of course Kayla stepping in the middle of us during an arguement kind of broke the camel's back too. It was the most difficult decision I've ever made but I know without a doubt, it was the right one. Having a child with my ex means he will always be in my life and over the last couple of years we've done our best to be civil if not amicable, especially around Kayla. I've got stories that could keep you busy for days and will be happy to share my experiences when the time is right.

Right now, Kayla is in CA with her dad and has been there since June 13th. She comes home on August 1st which is 22 days away but they will be 22 of the longest days of my life. I get minimal contact with her while she's away and it drives me nuts because I would never withhold her from him. However, I just try to keep reminding myself that I get the majority of her time and once she's home she doesn't have to leave me again until November and that's only for a couple of days. Summer suck though. Plain and simple.

[oneday someday]

Happy Friday! Just a friendly "bump" up!

[Georgiana]

Sometimes I think things happen for a reason... This is one case:

Although I am in a struggling relationship, my eye has been roaming. I feel kind of ashamed about the fact that this is happening because I 'm still with my BF/FH. To me it's kind of like "cheating".

Anyway, I was seeing a guy before I met my BF/FH and we parted ways and we never spoke again, Never planned on seeing him again. What is so funny how things come full circle....

1.We both met someone that we wanted to marry
2.We both decided to not marry the person we are/were with
3.We both lost our jobs
4. I ended living in the town he used to live in
5. He moved away.
6. He had to come back to finish up business and we randomly ran into one another in jail (I work there part time and he used to be a cop lol)
7. We have been in touch since. And only to realize we have pretty much been walking the same paths.... :eek:
8. We are starting to take interest in one another again.

Now he no longer lives near me and I haven't seen him since I ran into him. but we now keep in contact on a regular basis. My friends said that this events were meant to be and fate played a role in this..... For one minute I agree and another I don't. I feel tense about it and avoid the issue because I am with someone else -for now.

Sometimes I want to "take the plunge" to see what happens but I am the type that will not make a move until I know whats inside the water before I put both feet in it..... I simply don't want to fall into another relationship because I think it's silly to leave a person for another -leave that for the soap operas....
So I am going to sit back and see what happend between me and this guy as far as our friendship is concerned and Decide what I need to ultimately do regarding the one I'm in......

[Katy]

Claribella, would you be oppossed to either merging this thread with the other singles thread, or maybe splitting both groups - one for single moms and one for singles?

Drop me a PM and let me know...
Katy

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Add me to your group.

My story is in three parts and long and very ugly....so hang in there...thanx...

Some backstory on me: V. and I met 12.31.99, dated 8 months, got engaged and then got married November 2001.

V and I lived in a home that is co-owned by my bro and I. V’s name is not on the deed at all. We chose to live here because we wouldn’t have to pay a big assed rent or pay a mortgage on another home.

We eventually were going to buy another home and move, perhaps within two or three years from our wedding date. Staying here temporarily was a money saving move; why should we spend money on big-azzed rent when we can stay here and save our money?

MIL (who I will call Sally) is a widow in her mid 60s. Her only means of income is Social Security; she still owns her own home. It’s a single family with four bedrooms.

Late in the summer of 2003, V began acting moody and short; in late September that year he fessed up what was happening: Sally was having horrific money problems and it was up to him to help her out.

Meanwhile, V’s brother (who I will call Harry) was also living with MIL. He separated from his wife last year. (He would not tell me Harry was divorcing; another whole story and mess in itself)

V and I each contributed to half of the household budget. The rest we keep in our own accounts.

When V told me how his mother was in a hole – this was in late September of last year -- he asked me if he could pay off one of his credit cards in lieu of the contribution to the budget – the card is in his name. On it was our vacation and an expense for an appliance we direly needed because the other one broke.

I told him it was fine by me. He told me how much the credit card invoice came to.

I figured that was fair and pretty soon, everything would be back to normal here, budget wise, but in January? V. stopped contributing to the budget.

After he paid his personal expenses (cel phone, car payments, etc) every single penny of his paycheck was going to his mother.

Therefore, I was paying every bill in the home. Neato, eh?

Remember, Sally is also getting a thousand in Social Security a month, also....so, we are talking about quite an astronomical amount of money that he is giving to his mother. (Factor in my company went bust and I was out of work)

This amount of money she was getting from V far exceeded the amount of money she needed monthly to make her budget: WHERE THE EFF did all this money GO? And where the hell was it really going, period??

And why the hell was he not contributing to the budget HERE?

He kept telling me Sally needed his money for home expenses so she would not lose the house.

I know what her operating expenses are per month: it comes to about $1800. You tell me why she needs a GREAT deal more than that amount from V. (don’t forget she has a thou a month in Social Security coming in)

In the meanwhile? Every month I would have a war with V. He would tell me he had no money to contribute to our budget, or stare at me and walk away, or give me a paltry amount. The paltry amount he managed to give me between January and May of 2004 totaled $600.

He also THREW the paltry amount at me; this was in February and in May. “I don’t have enough money in my checking account...”

Oh...his rationale behind why he threw it? “I was MAD!”

The fighting became pretty constant at the start of April.

Everything I suggested for his mother’s financial troubles was a no: she would NOT sell the home; she would move into seniors’ housing. Nor would she rent the two spare bedrooms out to boarders, and she wold not rent the home while she went to live in an apartment. (She could have gotten a tidy sum from tenants renting her home – she could live off the income it generates. The going rate for a house rental in this area is easily three grand a month)

All of these suggestions generated a NO from him, like I said.

When I suggested she move into seniors’? He blew his lid sky high and SCREAMED at me, “YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS! YOU WANT TO THROW HER AWAY! YOU WOULD DO THE SAME TO YOUR MOTHER TOO!”

Well, excuse ME!

What seniors’ housing is? Low income housing for fixed income individuals. One building in her town – and in my towns and many towns – is reserved specifically for seniors and others on a fixed income.

For about $400 a month, you get a four room apt with one bedroom – the building and digs look like a college dorm, but it’s entirely suitable for one on a low income – the seniors there have parties, go on trips, etc – and everyone is self sustaining. This is by no means a nursing home or assisted living.

So she could live very royally in there on her Social Security check with no problems. But, NOOOO...not feasible, either...

Part II is below...

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Part II:

Anyway, getting back to solutions for Sally -- and the soultions I gave went around and around and around all during the winter of 2003 -2004...

I also suggested that he and Harry each kick in $500 and, with Sally’s thou, it’s two thousand a month for her to live on. Why didn’t V. jump on this idea? I got a lame “Oh. I’ll have to go talk to my brother about this...” and after that? Nothing happened (this was in early April). I think that ALONE is pretty fishy.

I began getting errors in communication, also; they started about March: I would ask him to do things (cut the grass, sweep up the clumps of grass on the sidewalk out front, etc). He would then claim he didn’t remember me asking him or did not recall agreeing to do it. This would be anywhere from an hour later to a week later. Give me a break...

He also claimed Harry was living at Sally’s, scot free. You see, he could not afford to pay board because he was paying for a mortgage of his own....HUH? Harry is fully employed: can you tell me why he is not at least chipping in for groceries?

I got sick of arguing with H month after month.

I got tired of crying and asking for money – and getting a paltry sum or no money at all.

AND I got sick of his mother being front and center, day in day out.

She would call here and it would be a ten alarm fire, every single time. (She would also call him on his cell, not on the house phone...that alone was veedddy annoying). When it was her on the end of the line? He’d literally panic – and grab that phone like it was the Pres calling.

He would claim that he would call her, crying she had no food. WHAT??? She spends well over a hundred dollars a week on food for her and Harry – wtf do you mean “crying she has no food”?

OH?? But it was fine for his wife to cry over the fact she alone was pulling the entire financial weight in the home you shared with YOUR WIFE?? WHY???

Oh, I came up with solutions for her, too: put her on a budget for food. I also suggested she make a huge casserole, or spheghetti and meatballs, or a big turkey breast, and she can have that all week. Uh, this was a no, too???

It is interesting to note that H is Hispanic. Sure, it is an entirely different ethnic set up, but come on: the fact of the matter is WHERE is this horrendously large sum of money GOING?

And yet he can’t contribute to the budget of our home? VERY fishy indeed.

In April, pipes busted downstairs in the cellar. Very major emergency repair: to the tune of $1500. Who paid? bro, bro’s FI J. and I.. Nice, eh?

In mid-May, I had enough: enough of being put last (what happened to our new home we were going to buy? And what happened to the child we were going to adopt, eh, H?) and tired of the disrespect.

He refused couples’ counseling; this was in late April. “You think this is over. Don’t you” is all he had to say – and suggested DIY counseling sessions held by US! Was he KIDDING???

(He agreed to go – and then three days later, said, “I don’t recall agreeing to see a counselor. Gee, when was that?” I replied, “This was Wednesday. Today is Saturday; are you going to tell me you do NOT remember agreeing to go?” He got all pissy and b!tchy – he ignored me for the rest of the day and sulked in his baby carriage)

Do it yourself counseling sessions????? It was like he did this to appease me and manipulate the situation in his favor. You know?

And throughout this entire escapade from September until May he kept saying, “You are going to tell me to leave; I am waiting...” “You’re going to get tired of me”, etc.

I had enough of the entire mess in late April 2004 ---- he could no longer be trusted and that such a vast amount of money was heading God knows where? NOT for me. And far too questionable where this money was going: he would not tell me. That alone is suspicious and a very horrific danger sign. That money could be any effing where between here and frigging Saturn!

Part III is below...

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Part III...

It took me until Janaury to start confiding in an older relative about what was happening – I would not tell friends, because somehow I thought word would get back to him. Know what? In retrospect? WHO CARES if it did! I was telling them the God’s honest truth!

(I started a thread over there about what was happening to me; I alluded to what was happening without spelling it out in so many words -- some of you might remember the thread. If so, that's what it was all about: this mess that was going on.)

I finally told my bro about what was happening – this was on the 11th of May, the day before V. hit the road. It took me two hours to tell bro what was going on.

“He is a sponge,” bro said. “Get rid of him.” J. was just as shocked to hear what was going on. She was kind enough to listen to me re-tell the entire story after she came home from work that day.

So, here is what happened on the 12th of May – bro and FI told me that they’d stay out in the hall, but up on the landing; I left the dining room door unlocked just in case it got dicey (bro and FI live upstairs from me).

And when he got home, here is what I said to him:

“V., for the first couple of years of our marriage, you contributed to the budget and all was fabulous.

“What is NOT fabulous, however, is you giving every penny of your paycheck, after you have paid your personal expenses, to your mother. This must stop and stop NOW.

“I want you to go to that phone right now and tell her that STARTING NOW, she will NOT be getting one more cent from you because your wife and your marriage come first. And will come first from now on.

“OR you can choose to leave. Which is it?”

He stared at me and wanted to know what “got into me”.

I said, “V, your mother is a big girl! She can indeed take her SS money and go live in seniors’, or subsidized housing! You also have to stop this enabling – she needs toughlove and has needed it for quite some time!”

He hedged the ultimatum twice more – and when he got it the third time?

This is what he did:

Went to the wall and unplugged his cell phone. He put it into his briefcase. He then went to the house phone, called MIL and said — IN SPANISH,

“Sue is kicking me out of her house. She said pick either you or her.”

How is that for disgusting and disrespectful?

I had a sh!tfit. I blew sky high and I started to scream, “You son of a bitch – that is not what I said! ALL that money to her and none contributed here! DID she know about this???”

“Yes” was what he calmly said.

Meanwhile, Sally is still at the end of the line.

He then turned around, said a few more words into the phone and then hung up.

And then he packed his stuff and added that he’d be back on Saturday for the rest...

And went home to MOM.

Without a whimper, without an argument, without a peep, without a “Don’t do this to us” and without even a lame “I will change really I will count on me.”

Bro and FI said that when they heard me give him the ultimatum, they were high five-ing each other on the landing.

“No way can his mother be a normal person,” J. said.

I mean, not even a knee jerk reaction of “OMG, put her on! This can’t be happening, put her on right now...” NOTHING. You bet this is NOT a normal person!

And after he left? She did not call, either.

I understood exactly what he said to his mother – he more or less said it in first-year Spanish – gee, how nice of him; I got to understand exactly what he said to his leader!!! — plus bro’s FI understood what he said – she speaks a few other languages fluently and that is one of them. How ****!ng DARE you lie and twist MY words around!

See what kind of respect he had for me?! NONE at all!

In one fell swoop, via that phone call, he showed me exactly what I knew he would do all along: that he’d go home to his mommy. That phone call to her only set it in STONE!

Something is very funky over there, money-wise. It is a financial maelstrom and who in their right mind will get involved in it? NONE of this began to happen until Harry began to live there. This mess has to be interconnected with him. I doubt if it is coincidence this began after he moved in.

Since we have no kids and no joint assets, this divorce is a cut and dried process.

Oh...when I filed? He never even answered the complaint. He had 35 whole days to do so. Not one sound out of him.

Nothing...this again shows you how much I was loved and respected and cherished. “Forsaking all others” was quite aptly illustrated. Don’t you think so?

In one fell swoop, you officially threw away your marriage, H. – when you dialed that number and spoke to that five star general you answered to. Might I ask you what happened to “This is the girl of my dreams”? Isn’t that what you told everyone?

Now, THAT is an interesting question...

Since he had 35 days to answer the complaint and he did not do so, this is a divorce by default. After this, it goes to court and a judge signs the papers. Day 35 came and went with no word from him.

AND it is pretty disgusting and heartbreaking to hear your attorney say to you “We did not hear from your husband” when it was time up to answer the complaint.

I saw him once since the papers were filed; a friend and I were at the beach and he was there. He saw us, looked, and then turned around, all without a word. (No doubt his attorney advised him not to talk to me – either that, or he was being a sh!thead. I vote “sh!thead”.)

I do not have the self esteem of a couch. I am 47 years old and still relatively young and far too smart, savvy and attractive to be married to someone like this and die a living death. I care about myself and I happen to come first.

Do I regret what I did? No.

Do I ever think about him? NO.

Do I say “could have been”? No.

I fairly much knew this was over long before May. Like I said, any kind of trust I had for him was gone. And, love for him? How can you possibly love somebody who blatantly uses you and lives off you? There is nothing here to love.

Oh, where is he living right now? Same place: at his mother’s. How neat.

My relatives and friends were shocked to hear what happened. “What happened? You guys seemed so perfect for each other” and “I thought you both would be married forever” were two of the comments I heard.

“He told us how much he really adored you,” said somebody else.

I replied, “Well, how much did this d!ck love me – IF he chose to put his mother first over his WIFE?” To this, she said nothing.

There were also comments from friends and relatives that were quite unprintable, also. Thanks a lot, “H.”

By and large, everyone pretty much thinks what happened to me is earth shattering. What kind of a man does this – just gives up on a marriage and commitment and goes home – like it’s a baseball game that got rained out?

None of his relatives called me. Surprising? No. I guess they believe what he said: that I said pick either me or his mother. If that is what they want to believe? They are fools and, man, they are not to be pitied. How freaking sad that H wears such a halo that he’s been elevated to saint – no; Saint Peter’s job – because of what has happened.

That is my story; I’ve tried to keep it to a minimum. I never ever thought this would happen to me. Ever.

PS: He signed a prenup before we were married. I had to protect bro’s assets as well as my own. Christ – can you imagine if his MOTHER wanted a piece of this pie, also?

[imagirliegirl]

Hey Katy I can just move over here, no worries! :D

[mkredhead]

Count me in as another person who never thought she would get a divorce....until it was clear this was the only way to go. I met my former husband in 1999, was engaged in 2001, married in 2002 and divorced in 2004. I basically discovered that he was seeing other people - and was actually arrested when he went to meet one of his "dates". The cheating wasn't the main issue, neither was the felony arrest (!!) - it was the lying to my face for months....and then blaming it all on me.

Although I have been divorced for nearly a year, I have had NO interest in dating anyone else. Only recently have I thought about looking to see what/who is out there. We'll see. I think I thought it would be a lot easier to jump in there again.

Lots of good things have happened over the last year - traveled to Europe, got a raise, bought a condo. It all happens for a reason!!!

Happy days!

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Count me in as another person who never thought she would get a divorce....until it was clear this was the only way to go. I met my former husband in 1999, was engaged in 2001, married in 2002 and divorced in 2004. I basically discovered that he was seeing other people - and was actually arrested when he went to meet one of his "dates". The cheating wasn't the main issue, neither was the felony arrest (!!) - it was the lying to my face for months....and then blaming it all on me.

Wow...

Although I have been divorced for nearly a year, I have had NO interest in dating anyone else. Only recently have I thought about looking to see what/who is out there. We'll see. I think I thought it would be a lot easier to jump in there again.

This, too, shall pass. Trust me.:)

[Alicia]

mkredhead, it helps to know that it has been a year and you're just begining to jump into the dating game .... i've hit about month 7 or so and while i'd love to be dating- i know i'm not ready - and i've been wondering if i've been waiting *too* long to try!!! (and i hear you loud and clearn on the lying/honesty issue)!!!

Zelda, thanks for the reassurance that it will pass!!!! :D 'cause i'm certainly not getting any younger!

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Yep...I think it took me 10 months to be ready to date. Keep in mind everyone is different.:)

[jaeger]

I became a member of WC because at the time I was getting married as well.
Now fast forward three years -still no wedding or marriage.

Each time we tried to plan the wedding, things fell apart like job layoff, We hating one another, and other personal crap too deep to mention here.

As time goes on. I am at this fork in the road as to wondering if I will ever get married and do I still want to marry the man I am with. We have had alot of stress and problems that at this piont I do not see me marrying him at all. I think at this moment, If I were to marrry, I would be planning my divorce.

Iam at a crossroads at the moment regarding the state of our relationship and I am taking it one day at a time. However, I highly doubt that this relationship will last a long time. It's sad because I love him, but us being together is simply not in the cards.

As I read this post, I realized how close this is to my situation. My relationship/engagement was always on/off. I allowed things to drag on for years, only to come to finally admit to myself that things weren't working, and that I had to do something about it. I took the ring off, got my own apartment, and moved out.

By the way, I think this singles thread is a great idea!

[Zelda Von Yitz]

As I read this post, I realized how close this is to my situation. My relationship/engagement was always on/off. I allowed things to drag on for years, only to come to finally admit to myself that things weren't working, and that I had to do something about it. I took the ring off, got my own apartment, and moved out.

By the way, I think this singles thread is a great idea!

I know a guy who was in an on off thing with a SO -- they were off more than on, then they got engaged, then they broke up, then they got reengaged...what an endless spiral that was.

They finally broke up under very unusual circumstances.

[Raven_Girl]

Hi!!
LOL
Too much caffine!!
:)

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Hi!!
LOL
Too much caffine!!
:)

That'll do it!:D

[mkredhead]

Happy Tuesday to all!!!

Do you guys feel like there is a stigma associated with being divorced? I was only married 1.5 years before I moved out, and the divorce was final right at two years. I recently met a guy who told me he was divorced after a year of marriage, and my first thought was, "Jeesh! What's wrong with you!?" Then I quickly realized that WOW! Folks are probably thinking that exact same thing about me!! I hate to get into the whole divorce story with new people, so it ends up soundling like I just up and moved out. It's kind of a catch 22.

My friends and family have been very supportive, but I still feel incredibly guilty from time to time, despite the fact I know I made the right choice.

Happy days,
mkredhead

[Zelda Von Yitz]

I did not get any stigma, but wow... I had a nutbar cousin who pretty much condemned me to the fires of hell.

This was back in December.

He demanded to know if I was getting a canon annullment -- geesh, who's thinking that far ahead, you know? I was officially divorced less than three months -- and wow, the speech I got right after that: "You will be living in sin if you get married...and I will NOT come to the wedding, either!"

[Katy]

I just wanted to point out that there is a single's thread for non-parents going on as well. The goal is to eventually have two separate threads going - one for parents and one for singles with no parents. I'm just waiting to hear back from Clara in separating the two threads.

Katy

[Georgiana]

I just wanted to point out that there is a single's thread for non-parents going on as well. The goal is to eventually have two separate threads going - one for parents and one for singles with no parents. I'm just waiting to hear back from Clara in separating the two threads.

Katy

You mean Singles w/ no Kids? :confused:

[Georgiana]

Happy Tuesday to all!!!

Do you guys feel like there is a stigma associated with being divorced? I was only married 1.5 years before I moved out, and the divorce was final right at two years. I recently met a guy who told me he was divorced after a year of marriage, and my first thought was, "Jeesh! What's wrong with you!?" Then I quickly realized that WOW! Folks are probably thinking that exact same thing about me!! I hate to get into the whole divorce story with new people, so it ends up soundling like I just up and moved out. It's kind of a catch 22.

My friends and family have been very supportive, but I still feel incredibly guilty from time to time, despite the fact I know I made the right choice.

Happy days,
mkredhead

IMO, I think the only people that would impose such a stigma on anyone that is divorced or getting a divorce are the ones that have unrealistic views on relationships. These days, divorce happens....
I commend people that take the step to divorce. To me it means that they were in unhealthy relationships and instead of just dealing with it, they made a bold move to make their lives better.

[Alicia]

I just wanted to point out that there is a single's thread for non-parents going on as well. The goal is to eventually have two separate threads going - one for parents and one for singles with no parents. I'm just waiting to hear back from Clara in separating the two threads.

Katy

I'm hoping we can keep a "Divorced" thread that's separate than a "Singles" thread - there are A LOT Of issues that i think those who are separated/divorced (or even broken engagements) go through that a plain ol singleton doesn't deal with or can empathize with. I think mkredhead's question is a good example of this. And the recent discussion of "when to start dating" is another example. Not to be too blunt (and no offense to any of the single folks) but I have a feeling a "singles" thread will revolve a lot around dating/ or "when is he going to propose"/ or "why hasn't he called me back" such things - and since dating isn't always the first thing a divorcee wants to jump into, a place to talk about other issues would be VERY helpful.

Katy-- is there some kind of system problem where there can only be a certain number of group threads - is that what's prompting all this?! I'm not trying to be a pain, and I don't like to cause trouble, but I really feel strongly about this. Thanks.

[Alicia]

Happy Tuesday to all!!!

Do you guys feel like there is a stigma associated with being divorced? I was only married 1.5 years before I moved out, and the divorce was final right at two years. I recently met a guy who told me he was divorced after a year of marriage, and my first thought was, "Jeesh! What's wrong with you!?" Then I quickly realized that WOW! Folks are probably thinking that exact same thing about me!! I hate to get into the whole divorce story with new people, so it ends up soundling like I just up and moved out. It's kind of a catch 22.

My friends and family have been very supportive, but I still feel incredibly guilty from time to time, despite the fact I know I made the right choice.

Happy days,
mkredhead

Oh my gosh! when things fell apart, I felt like I was walking around with a HUGE scarlet D on my lapel. And at times I still feel this. It probably depends on the community that's surrounding you - for me, we're the only couple among my friends and my ex's friends to have divorced - the rest ALL have babies, or are pregnant right now -- so the stigma I initially felt was huge. Everyone was BEYOND supportive but I kept wondering "who's going to EVER want to date me now" and like you, I still have that first instinct of I don't want to meet a divorced-man, because what the heck is wrong with him! I think it just takes time and I need to work at being more open-minded... which I have.

It's interesting, one of my best friends in the world (who is a single male) even mentioned that when a girl who's divorced sends him a message (he's been active on Jdate - an online dating site) he tends to not write back - this scares the heck out of me....and now I'm beginning to wonder if when it is time to date, if I'd be better off finding someone who is ALSO divorced and been in that situation.

I guess my point is all this is NO, don't feel guilty. But I think more than anyone else right now this entire experience should teach us to be more open-minded. The majority of a "stigma" is how we feel about ourselves. So if there's a way to increase our confidence, the stigma will gradually disapate. (does this make sense?!)

[mkredhead]

Alicia stated.....
Oh my gosh! when things fell apart, I felt like I was walking around with a HUGE scarlet D on my lapel. And at times I still feel this. It probably depends on the community that's surrounding you - for me, we're the only couple among my friends and my ex's friends to have divorced - the rest ALL have babies, or are pregnant right now -- so the stigma I initially felt was huge. Everyone was BEYOND supportive but I kept wondering "who's going to EVER want to date me now" and like you, I still have that first instinct of I don't want to meet a divorced-man, because what the heck is wrong with him! I think it just takes time and I need to work at being more open-minded... which I have.

YES!! All of my friends are married and most have or are expecting children. One of my friends was appalled that we would divorce...."Infidelity is no reason for divorce...especially after a year!" Umm....maybe not, but you don't know the 1/2 of it, lady! Everyone else was pretty supportive, but I felt so lame. I feel like everyone was (and some still are) walking around on eggshells...which is easy to understand since we didn't have much experience with this topic!

We were also the first in my entire extended family to divorce. I was so lucky that my family was incredibly supportive. My grandfather (extremely Catholic) listened, paused and said, "Hey, sometimes you have to cut your losses when the time is right. This is one of those times." I can't even explain the immense amount of relief I felt with those words. Wow.

Despite the support and time, I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel better about things. I know I will. I know that there are better things out there, and the divorce has really helped me shape who I am and what I want out of life. It has also made me realize how strong I can be as a person when the going gets a little unbearable.

Happy days,
mkredhead

[Georgiana]

If a Man Wants You

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition
(or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant
to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like
he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat
you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers
you, speak up. Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's
behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even
if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two
way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others

[Katy]

is there some kind of system problem where there can only be a certain number of group threads - is that what's prompting all this?! I'm not trying to be a pain, and I don't like to cause trouble, but I really feel strongly about this. Thanks.

Alicia, this isn't a problem at all. In fact, it's why I keep bringing it up. I think a singles - no kids, singles - with kids, and divorced is completely doable. I agree in that for the most part, these three threads would have different trends going on with the dialog. I was just waiting for the okay from the OP before we went through the whole thread and changed things.

Here's what I say, since I've yet to hear back from Claribella and a singles thread is already started up, why don't you start a divorced thread, and please, someone that's a single mom, feel free to start a thread and then I'll do my best to move everything from here to there (I think that will be MUCH easier to do than prune this particular thread).

Make sense?

ETA: keep in mind, I don't frequent this board unless I happen to see it in the new posts to remind me to check.

[HeatherFL]

Hi there.

I'm Heather from WC.

Divorced.

History: Married March 19, 2000

Divorced: April 6, 2005

Friendly divorce. Still good friends with ex-husband. Now seeing someone for seven months, love him, but very I'm very guarded and not sure what the future will bring.

H.

[jaeger]

If a Man Wants You

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition
(or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant
to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like
he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat
you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers
you, speak up. Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's
behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even
if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two
way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others

That's good stuff! Thank you for sharing it.

[meggiedarlin]

I recognize some of you from WC.

Here's my story. Met in 98, got engaged Feb. of 2001. Married Oct. 2001. I kicked him out Sept. 2004 and exactly 2 months later the divorce was final.

I'm another one who never ever ever thought I'd get a divorce. But I also thought that I married an adult. The man I dated and the man I ended up married to were very different. Oh, and toss in that he has narcissistic Personality Disorder (everything's all about him all of the time) and it was a disaster.

He ended up moving back in to his parent's basement (he's 45: LOSER!). On the day I kicked him out, he said, "I know I need to grow up." I've yet to see evidence that that's happened.

I was "over" my marriage in about a week. Like I say, we really didn't have a marriage because a marriage involves two people and ours only involved HIM.

I am HAPPY again, full of life. I purchased a house and I LOVE living alone.

As for dating. Well, I've glanced over the personals but it's pretty slim pickin's and I'm in no rush at all.

[Zelda Von Yitz]

He ended up moving back in to his parent's basement (he's 45: LOSER!). On the day I kicked him out, he said, "I know I need to grow up." I've yet to see evidence that that's happened.

Good grief...that sounds oh so familiar here, too...where do you think my xH is?

(my whole story is posted; scroll up a page or two to see it. It's long and ugly; be forewarned).

Today is one year that it was 35 days he got the divorce complaint. In NJ, you get 35 days to sign the divorce papers and return them. He did not sign them; therefore, it was a divorce by default. So all I had to wait for was a court date -- which was September 29, 2004. On that day, it'll be a year I'm divorced.

[mkredhead]

OK, gals. Hell has frozen over.

I am going on my first date since the big divorce tomorrow. Ironically, it is one one day before my one year divorce anniversary. I am really looking forward to it....yet extremely nervous. I remind myself that either it will be a lot of fun....or a free beer with a nice guy.

Fingers crossed!

Happy days,
mkredhead :)

[Elizabeth]

MKRedhead - Congratulations! You're back in the game! I hope you have a great time.

[meggiedarlin]

Any one see "Must Love Dogs"? In it, the woman's family has an "intervention" because it's been 8 MONTHS since her divorce and they're all concerned that she's not dating! Please!

[Elizabeth]

Oh no. That's not okay.

[Alicia]

Any one see "Must Love Dogs"? In it, the woman's family has an "intervention" because it's been 8 MONTHS since her divorce and they're all concerned that she's not dating! Please!

I Looooved that movie, and I thank G-d every day that i saw it with one of my best friends and not by myself or with my parents or with some random person i don't know too well! Her divorce paralleled mine a little too closely and many of her feelings/actions i could associate with.

That said, the intervention was ridiculous!!! but believable. I'm at the 9-10 month mark since my marriage fell apart and about about a month ago I started feeling pressure from parents (my own mother has even started reading jdate - ugggggh!), friends (the gal i saw the movie with was in full gear of trying to set me up .... luckily i've set her straight), and even my own therapist aluded to it :eek: although i think she was more interested in if i was ready than her pushing it.

while every ounce of me wants to get back into the dating scene again and find the perfect man or even just find a "perfect for right now" guy-- i still have way to many fears and issues I want to deal with first!!!

__________________________________

on the flip side: mkredhead - how was your date??????? i figure if i'm not ready for it myself i can at least live vicariously through others!!!! :D

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Nobody has pressured me or even asked Gee Are You Meeting Anyone.

It's 15 months since the H. is gone and next month it'll be a year I'm divorced. (I met a couple of guys a couple of months ago; I posted about it; neither one of them turned out to be viable choices for a date)

[mkredhead]

I am excited to report that the date was incredible!!! In fact, we went out again on Friday and we're going out this evening as well. He seems to be a really nice, caring person. Very easy to talk to, funny, etc. We have a lot of the same interests, so that makes it very fun. He asked about my divorce and didn't flinch when I gave him the Cliff's Notes version. Whew!

It's kind of weird, really. For so long, I was anti-dating, anti-meeting guys, etc. Now I can't wait to see him. Talk about a welcome change!

Happy days,
mkredhead

[mkredhead]

One additional thing as I read the most recent posts....

I am so thankful that no one really pressured me about dating. Several friends mentioned that they'd "like to see you dating someone really nice." but then backed down when I said I wasn't interested. I think I would have gone over the edge if people were bugging me about it.

I really needed the time to get by on my own - live by myself for the first time, buy my own house, get engrossed by the job, etc. Now I feel like a lot of things are settled and I can look forward to dating again. It took me a year.

Happy days,
mkredhead

[skyblu]

Hey everyone! I, too, joined WC to plan my wedding (in 2001) and am now divorced (since 2003). I'm not gonna waste any breath telling you the story of my cowardly ex, but I will tell you all about my wonderful new life!

I'm probably at my happiest right now, with firm plans for the future, and no "dead weight" to lug around. Yay!

[claribella]

Hey ladies!

Sorry I was MIA. Life grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

Katy - do what you like with the thread..although I might be late in responding sorry.

Stinky! - I can't believe you are divorced! I've seen you around WC so much. I'm very sorry but its for the better right!

Skyblu!- you too! Wow...its just so sad really. But like I said...I think its all for the best...bigger and better things!

Well, my divorce is final. Has been for about 2 months. I don't even talk to my ex anymore outside of when he picks up our son and when he drops him off and negotiate holidays and such. And that is it.

In all honesty, if he died tomorrow, I would only be sad that my son lost his father...and that would be it.

I hope the rest of us are faring well!

[Call_Me_Scarlett]

Hello! I'm new here, introduced to the site by my sister and I've really enjoyed looking around while visiting her for a few days.

I'm "Scarlett", 19, and a sophomore in college. I'd love to be an event planner and am currently focusing on marketing as my major. No boyfriend, certainly no FH or DH! I'm young and after a serious boyfriend in high school (who turned into a crazy stalker once we broke up), I'm having fun dating around. I'm in a sorority and love all my "sisters". I live in the house, on campus, and it's a great place to be. I've been dating one guy for a few weeks now, K, and he's a sweetheart. In fact, we have dinner plans tonight.

I love movies, esp. Gone with the Wind, as you can see from my name and quote. I love music, dogs, and my sweet niece and nephew.

I'm so thrilled there are other singles around here!

[Elizabeth]

What house are you in?

[kwsu44]

Hey there, subscribing. I'm single, haven't been in a serious relationship for a few years now. I date a lot, but haven't found the "one" yet.

It's funny, my brother and cousin both were married in their early 20's and were divorced in their late 20's. I said that I would just die if they got remarreid again before i got married once ... well, wouldn't you know, my brother's wedding was two weeks ago and my cousin's is in three months, and here I am, nary a groom in sight. Sigh.

Most of the time, I don't mind being single, I love to travel and do my own thing. But, I want that special relationship. I want to have someone to come home to, I want to have kids ... it'll happen ... someday! (I'm not the most patient person!)

So, here's to us ... we're fabulous, smart, successful, fun, talented, caring, wonderful ladies ... any man would be so lucky to be with us!

[Call_Me_Scarlett]

What house are you in?
Chi Omega

Hello kwsu44!

[oneday someday]

Hi! I just recently separated from my FH of 5 years (I left) and just wanted to stop in and say hello. I'm still working on my feelings...he wants me in his life, but I'm having a difficult time with that and so many other things. :confused: It's a little confusing. Anyhoo....just wanted to chime in and subscribe.

[Elizabeth]

Welcome KWSU and Someday!

I had Dr. Phil on in the background last night and he said something very wise... "I'd rather be alone and healthy then in a relationship and sick." Or words to that effect. So true. I think a lot of women put up w/ horrible relationships just for the sake of being in one.

I *love* being single right now. It gives me a chance to cultivate my interests and my personality (I'm 26) and just be me w/out worrying what a guy thinks. Well, I do still worry what guys think sometimes... but it's different. ; ) I'm getting to know lots of different types of people and having so many more experiences... traveling by myself, etc. And I have so much fun just coming home from work and chillin' with my roommate. I wouldn't trade my life now as a single woman for my awful marriage any day. I'm going to enjoy being single as long as I can before I settle down again.

[nolagirl]

I'm bumping this thread up......I am newly single in a group of friends where everyone is married/has a serious boyfriend. I think this is an excellent thread that needs to be brought back to life!

I'll (re)start:

I'm Abby, 28, just moved to Boston. I've been divorced since April and am just starting to think about dating again. It's terrifying!

Anyone else?

[bluberry]

Hey nolagirl! I've seen you around the boards. You're right, the dating world is sorta scary. But just remember how better prepared you are now in terms of what you want! :)

I'm 26, divorced last December but split up in August. Have been dating someone for well over 6 months and things are going great.

[JenDawg]

I was on WC with a lot of you!

Engaged in 2002, married in 2003 and I'm coming up on the one-year-anniversary of being separated (and we were legally divorced in May 06). It's a long and painful story, but I have no regrets or bitterness or anger about it anymore. Feels like it's been longer than just a year because I have gone through SO MUCH with the pregnancy, separation, divorce, etc.

The dating world is definitely scary! But I've been seeing someone long distance for a while now and it's going well so far. I'm happy. :)

Anyway, here I am, just subscribing and saying HI! :)

[Kiki]

Guess I'll make my mark.

I am a former member of WC, although, that's not how I found CC. My husband and I became separated a little over 2 weeks ago. We've been married over 4 years. I haven't started divorce proceedings yet, but I have a feeling that will be coming in the future. If you'd like to read more about this situation, you may check out my "Emotional Support" thread titled, "Not Sure What To Do."

I can honestly say I've been happier than I've been in a long time.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[expiredmarriage]

---

[meggiedarlin]

expiredmarriage:
I married a different man than the man I am married to now.

That summed up my marriage perfectly!! There's a huge difference between a person's personality (the side of the person that we commonly see and a person's character (that part that really defines the person). The unseen part.

I've been divorced for almost 2 years now. 5 months ago I started dating a FABULOUS man, who puts my ex to shame (and most other men too!) There are wonderful men out there. I'm happier than I've ever been.

[JenDawg]

I married a different man than the man I am married to now. That is exactly how I felt too. I don't know if things were hidden or if he just changed over the years or both, but it is still so hard to believe that he could be such a different person than who I thought he was.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

[expiredmarriage]

---

[expiredmarriage]

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[bluberry]

Expiredmarriage: I just wanted to say you will soon stop expecting your husband to look out for you and you'll start looking out for yourself. Please love and respect yourself.

[expiredmarriage]

---

[expiredmarriage]

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[ca_girl]

Hello! I have been divorced now for a year. My Ex-H was abusive, thanks to his bi-polar disorder mixed with drugs & alcohol (expiredmarriage I know what it's like to deal with the mentally ill husband & it's horrifying, sad & hurtful all rolled together). It was very ugly at the end & I have not heard from him for quite a few months now.

I hope he's safe & off drugs/alcohol, but I need to be my priority. I was lucky to have a wonderful family & wonderful friends. I spend time with all of them now & it's gotten easier, but I still pray for my Ex-H every night.

[lawyergirl25]

Hello! I have been divorced now for a year. My Ex-H was abusive, thanks to his bi-polar disorder mixed with drugs & alcohol (expiredmarriage I know what it's like to deal with the mentally ill husband & it's horrifying, sad & hurtful all rolled together). It was very ugly at the end & I have not heard from him for quite a few months now.

I hope he's safe & off drugs/alcohol, but I need to be my priority. I was lucky to have a wonderful family & wonderful friends. I spend time with all of them now & it's gotten easier, but I still pray for my Ex-H every night.
I think I'm about to be in your same boat. I can't believe I'm actually saying that. It wasn't real to me until now.

I think we'll be filing sometime in the next few weeks. One question for all of you, because it's been my worst fear in all this...how do you deal with the embarrassment? I know, I know, divorce is nothing to be embarrassed about, but I'm not there yet (this was just decided yesterday). There are people that have been pulling for us to fail from the beginning. Luckily I don't have to face most of them. But I don't think I can handle the whispers and looks at work or among mutual friends. I haven't told anyone yet but I know I need to soon - I've been a basketcase all day. I'm just so ashamed right now. :(

[lawyergirl25]

Well, he just made it really easy on me. He told me he has a girlfriend and he's moving in with her. He met her online, they just met this weekend - and yes, he slept with her - and now he's moving in with her and her two kids.

It's still really surreal. I'm extremely calm right now and just ready to move forward. We already split up the big property, figured out liabilities and all that. HOPEFULLY we will be able to just do a dissolution and leave the marriage ASAP. I'm devastated in some ways, but so glad that he was finally straight with me so I know it's *not my fault*.

[expiredmarriage]

---

[meggiedarlin]

Yep, I'm agreeing with what Expiredmarriage said. The truth will come out. In this case, it appears to be coming out faster than expected.

One of the things I got out my divorce was letting go of the "should"s. I "should" remain married, bla bla blaaaaa. I'm never so happy that I got out when I did. I also learned to not care about what other people thought/said. And I also agree with the point that divorce can very clearly show you who your true friends are.

[ca_girl]

Damn!
FORGET what anyone else says to or about you. You will soon find out who are your real friends and who is just a phony. You ARE correct. This is NOT your fault. You will be MUCH happier even in a few months I bet. I think I write this not only for your sake, but also to reassure myself. PLEASE feel free to vent or whatever anytime. Oh, and don't let the bast-ards get you down.

Yep, I'm agreeing with what Expiredmarriage said. The truth will come out. In this case, it appears to be coming out faster than expected.

One of the things I got out my divorce was letting go of the "should"s. I "should" remain married, bla bla blaaaaa. I'm never so happy that I got out when I did. I also learned to not care about what other people thought/said. And I also agree with the point that divorce can very clearly show you who your true friends are.

I have to agree with both of the above posters! Your true friends will be there for you. Ready to talk, if you need to, or ready to just take you out/come over to get your mind off things.

It's not easy to let go of the "forever" part of marriage, but you need to save yourself. If people say anything bad (I told you so, or I knew it wouldn't work), be strong & ignore them. Or... do what I did to one person I didn't particularly like (she no longer talks to me - Yea!)... I told her (basically) "I'm glad you are happy my marriage ended. If only he would've really hurt me & put me in the hospital, then I bet you would be gloating even more & happy I was hurt, or killed. You have no tact & are a horrible person & I don't want you to ever speak to me again." She didn't know what to say & turned red & walked away. It felt good to say it, I have to admit.

I have become a mush stronger person because of the divorce & everything that happened before it. You will get there. You will find yourself & be happy again. He will live his miserable life & will try to make it look like he's so much happier/more settled now, but as Public Enemy said "don't believe the hype."

[lawyergirl25]

Thank you so much ladies. This has been a hard pill to swallow. H told me last night that he's actually only known her for 2 weeks, in person for 5 days - wait, today makes 6! The fact that he's willing to throw away me and our 8-year relationship for someone he's known for 2 weeks speaks volumes, huh?

I'm still working things out in my head right now, and H and I are still working out the terms of the property settlement. I may not be around too much for a few weeks, while things calm down, but I'm sure then I'll start to grieve and will be so happy to have your support!

Thanks again.

[lawyergirl25]

Today is going to be a bad day for me, I can tell already. Today is H's birthday (almost typed "DH" there!) and I had cleared my weekend to spend it with him. Most of my friends are out of town or busy, so I'm going to have to come up with a way to get through it on my own. I was invited up to a friend's house in Toledo, but H is going to be in Toledo visiting family (with her, can you believe it?!) and the thought of being in the same small town with them makes me physically ill.

We talked on Thursday and I told him that it really didn't make any sense for him to keep shuttling back and forth between our houses when what he should be doing is getting his stuff packed and moved out. I told him I was going to start packing him up this weekend and when he returns on Tuesday, he should have a UHaul reserved so that we can get him out of the house. I also told him that I'd try to have a draft separation agreement ready for him, though I don't know if that's going to happen given the time constraints. (I was going to try to draft the docs myself, but I ended up finding a lawyer who can do it for a reasonable price so I decided to let her do it.)

He wigged out, said this was all going too fast for him, he's not sure now, etc. I told him it was too hard to keep talking to him, so he said that he would stop contacting me and we would just talk when he got here on Tuesday. But then he started IM'ing me yesterday: "I can't stop thinking about you," "I miss you so much," "We really need to talk on Tuesday," etc. It just tears me up all over again.

My friend emailed me this morning to tell me that she's got pictures of him all over her MySpace page now. We haven't even filed for divorce yet and she's got his pics everywhere. How freaking mortifying. My first reaction was, has she no shame? But I already know the answer, because H told me - "she loves me too much to feel ashamed about what she's done." Ugh!

I made an appointment with a counselor for Monday afternoon. She was highly recommended to me by a friend. When I called yesterday I was so surprised that they could get me in on Monday. But I think they juggled some appointments - when the receptionist asked why I wanted to start seeing her, I told her I am going through a divorce, and she said, "Ah - so I guess you want to get in ASAP, huh?" LOL - yes, yes I do! I never ever thought I'd be so excited to go to therapy, but I am. I have so many issues I need to work through, chief among them being, when did my perception of how relationships should be get so screwed up and how can I undo that?

[bluberry]

lawyergirl25: First of all, *HUGS*. Divorce is such a hard process but truly one of self-discovery.

Given everything he's been saying in the last few days, is there any part of you that wants to give him a second chance?

[meggiedarlin]

Hang in there, Lawyergirl. It WILL get better. And you deserve someone much better!!!!!

[lawyergirl25]

Given everything he's been saying in the last few days, is there any part of you that wants to give him a second chance?
There was, but it's gone now. He called this morning and told me he had to talk to me on Tuesday, and after some goading he told me he was going to ask if I would take him back and we could go to counseling. I said that I might be interested in that, and inquired as to whether he was still planning to take GF to Toledo this weekend anyway. He said yes, and after some more goading about how that would work, he said that he planned to take her to Toledo this weekend to meet his family but it would be too hard to tell her he was leaving, so he was just going to pack his bags and sneak out of her place on Tuesday while she was at work. Now, admittedly, I don't give two sh*ts about this girl's feelings, but I pointed out that since he was so worried about hurting her that taking her to meet his family - a pretty significant step in any relationship - and then running out on her while she was at work would hurt her 10X as badly as just not taking her at all and coming home. He said he understood and called to tell her he had changed his mind. She cried, wailed, and he caved. Couldn't even call me to tell me - he texted me while I was a hair appt to tell me "Sorry to toy with your feelings, but I'm taking GF to Toledo. I'll be back on Tuesday so that we can proceed as planned. Please don't hate me." Well...too f'ing late!

But I learned after this that he has already introduced GF to his son - my step-son - and did so the first day he met GF, 9 days ago. But since he introduced her as "just a friend," this is okay, right? A 14-year-old wouldn't catch on, right? :rolleyes:

I also learned that GF is not the first girl he has cheated on me with. Suffice to say, this has been going on for over a year and the girls he slept with are so shady that I'm going to be heading to the doctor ASAP for STD tests. *shudder*

So no, I have no interest in getting back together with him. In fact, a friend came over tonight and we spent much of the night packing his stuff up. Ridiculous that I have to do that, but whatever. My mom is driving in tomorrow night so that she'll be here when H gets here on Tuesday. Frankly, I need that moral support so I don't break down and take his calls. I know that sounds absolutely absurd, but it's the truth. Anyway, having her here will also stave off any last-minute begging on his part on Tuesday, should he choose to do that.

I called several friends and they are on strict instructions to stop with the "I'll support your decision" language and just remind me that it's over, followed by a litany of all of the cheating and abuse that I've put up with over the years. He's got so many issues that I need to just get the hell out of his way before he takes me much further down this black hole. Some things are just not fixable, and our relationship is one of them. If he doesn't get some professional help, he will be another.

MIL called me today. She spent about half of the conversation telling me why it should be over...um, thanks for recapping my week? FWIW, she thinks this new GF sounds like a complete psycho and she thinks H is making a horrible mistake. I told her that was all fine and good, but all I'm concerned with now is getting him out of my house. I think she plans to say something to him about that, because while she understands that our marriage is ending and thinks it's a good thing, she recognizes that how he's handling this situation is incredibly cruel and immature. Hopefully this will motivate him to get down here and get his stuff out.

I found out he took my e-ring and wedding rings to pawn. Sure enough, checked my hiding spot and they were gone. What a jerk.

Well, I have a busy day of packing tomorrow so I'm heading out. Wonder what I learn about my sham of a marriage tomorrow!

[lawyergirl25]

Would you believe that I got all of his stuff in the house packed up and ready to go, and now I just have the boxes in the garage to handle? I can't believe how quickly this is going! It's good to keep moving though, because every time I stop I start thinking too much and I get sad. It's weird to go from living with someone and seeing them every day to not talking to them at all. Knowing that he's with another woman just compounds that, I think. So yeah, need to keep going through boxes...

[longislandlolita]

Wow. What a @&($^!*! he is! I am so sorry you have to go through this! Glad to hear you are drawing your friends and family close to you during this time. At this point, he's clearly gone from your life (and good riddance!) but I hope he cleans up his act for the sake of his son.

[ca_girl]

Good for you getting it all packed up. Try to have as little contact as possible. That's when old things come up & he'll remember the "good times". he's trying to have it both ways - you waiting in the background in case (when) his family rejects the new GF. Stay strong. Talk to friends/family when you feel the need to talk to him or you get down.

Sometimes you'll just need to watch a "girl" movie & cry. That's OK! It helps to get it out & then move on to something fun - for YOU! If you can, find a way to redecorate something in your home to YOUR taste, not something he liked.

[bluberry]

lawyergirl25: Good luck today and let us know how it goes. Hang in there...

[ca_girl]

Yes, good luck today! Hope your first counseling appt went well! Stay strong.

[lawyergirl25]

he's trying to have it both ways - you waiting in the background in case (when) his family rejects the new GF.
I agree, except I think it's more like me waiting in the background in case HE rejects the new GF. He talks a good game, but at the end of the day, he's still only known her a few weeks. All I can do is push like mad to make sure he gets out and the papers get filed before their relationship hits the skids (which could be, you know, next week).

I spoke with him briefly yesterday to get some information for the dissolution papers, but haven't spoken to him otherwise since Saturday morning. I've told him plainly that it's over, I've told him his stuff is all packed and waiting for pickup (and that I'll be changing the locks shortly, so he better get a move on), and I've made it clear that dissolution papers will be drafted and ready for execution shortly. I'm not going to start being a hard-core bitch about it yet, like my mom wants me to do, as I simply don't think that's necessary yet. Does that seem okay? I'm handling this the best way I know how...but I feel like people are criticizing me no matter what I do.

[ca_girl]

I say it's fine. It'd be better if you can be civil to each other for the time being until the dissolution paperwork is complete & signed. It's easier for people on the outside to be angry from the start, but you loved him at one point, so it's hard to be a complete bitch about things quite yet.

Everyone sees their way of doing things as the right way. The only "right" way, is the way YOU are actually handling it. It's just a confusing time right now. I went through accepting the fact we needed to divorce, to being angry at him, to just being basically over it, but still hoping for the best for him in his life (as long as he doesn't contact me!). Your mom is probably just trying to protect you. That's what parents do. Mine were pissed long before I ever was.

I'd say, if you can, put his stuff in the garage & change the locks to the house, though.

[artist]

:::

[bluberry]

Artist: Welcome to our little group. I just got through reading the end of your journal. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I've had the rollercoaster feelings (sad/anger/hurt, etc.) and they do subside in time.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I can tell that you are a very strong woman and you will triumph. Hugs.

[claribella]

I wanted to recommend a book to those of you with kids... its called "The Courage to be a Single Mother"

Hey, I think I'll try and find that book


I'm still working things out in my head right now, and H and I are still working out the terms of the property settlement. I may not be around too much for a few weeks, while things calm down, but I'm sure then I'll start to grieve and will be so happy to have your support!

Thanks again.

Hey I'm sorry about this. Wow. I'm just overwhelmed at how many of us are all in the same boat.

Artist - Big hugs to you. I read your journal...and we are here for you. You WILL get through this. I have been going through my divorce for about 2 1/2 years now.

Timeline for me:

June 2004: Left him with our 2 month old son
Sept 2004: Divorce was legal
All of 2005: A bunch of him cancelling visitations and him being an over all a$$
April 2006: He legally gave up his rights to decisions and visitations regarding our son, claiming that he just didn't want to deal with me. Uh, yeah I'm going to get mad when HE cancels his visitation to go bang some whore in vegas (yes, he told me he was going to vegas instead of visit his son)
Sept 2006: I take him to court for more money because Daycare is $800 a month. He wasn't paying for daycare.

Last time I spoke to him he called me a...ahem.. "selfish f-ing b!tch..." Well yeah, because I'm going to take the child support and get a liposuction right? :rolleyes: He doesn't think it goes to daycare and child expenses. A$$

Anyway, I'm so glad to see that we are all supporting each other.

[maxandmolly]

This thread seems to be taking a turn more towards divorced/ing members than single ones.....is there still some room for me to soak up some pity?
First, lawyergirl and artist, I'm so sorry for you both. I haven't read up on the details yet, but to seem to have "it"-that thing so many of appear to be seeking-and lose it, must be a different kind of hard than I can imagine.
As for me, many of you have followed my adventures and misadventures in relationships, most having to do with my ex-bf, Toad. Who I now live with. Which was fine, we're just friends and roommates, blah blah blah. But I've been here a couple months now (only 3 weeks "officially" since I gave up my apartment), and things were going well-playing into the whole "family life" thing, spending tons of time together, laying on the couch together watching movies, basic, simple, relationship-y stuff. All while knowing we would never be that again.
And it was fine.
Until he went on a date last night. Date started at 9:30 and he came home at 4:30 (they went to dinner then a blues club an hour + away, and yes, I do believe him, he's not a first date f'em kinda guy). I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up expecting to hear the tv on and him rattling around. Instead the trailer shuddered, the branches scraped, and I lay there completely wide awake. He could tell something was wrong with me when he got home, but didn't press. Then this morning he pushed, and I basically told him to stick it, and left and sought some retail therapy. Again when I got home he pushed, and I begged him to just leave it alone, I wasn't mad at him but I couldn't talk about it right now. Which is totally unlike me-normally when something is wrong it's all he can do to get a word in edgewise as I rattle off my problems.
It's not that I am mad at him-no no no, I am mad at myself, for letting myself get that used to and dependent on a man-especially one that isn't mine. I am completely disgusted with myself. I don't really know what to do or think right now. I am committed to live here (for the financial good of both of us) til January, and I can't break a promise. But if he starts dating regularly, honestly, I'm gonna lose it.
Not sure I'm looking for advice-maybe, but gently if given at all, I'm pretty fragile today.

[lawyergirl25]

artist, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You are a very strong woman, and I'm so proud of you for the way you've stood up for yourself. I hope that the coming weeks will be easier.

I'm around but I'm not posting too much these days. Nothing new to tell, unfortunately. I will update when I have news!

[artist]

:::

[ca_girl]

Just wanted you all to know I'm thinking about you (you, included, maxandmolly)!

I've been SUPER busy & haven't had much time to get on here, but I'm hoping things are flowing as smoothly as possible.

I just heard from my Ex-H's uncle the other day. He was just checking on me, making sure all was well. No one (including his family) has heard from him (Ex-H). We all hope he's Ok, but I'm NOT trying to find/contact him at all! I don't need that cycle in my life.

I'm just looking forward to my BF (he lives in another state) to visit me in a couple weeks. That's all that's keeping me sane right now!

[angelraven]

I am so glad that I heard about this thread. I've been reading here and there for the last few days and have finally decided that it's time for me to join.

Matt and I were married 7/31/04. I moved out three weeks ago. I almost feel silly for posting here. I haven't gone through near the amount of shit some of you other ladies have gone through. He and I just aren't the right people for each other.

I posted this is my LJ last week:

The first step into getting what you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." - Ben Stein

Three years ago this Halloween, Matt and I were in a hotel room in Kirksville, Missouri. We'd been on "a break" for several months, but every weekend, he would come up and visit. Our interactions were as if we'd never actually broken up. That night, I decided to give it another shot. I decided that night that if I were to get back together with him, it would be for good because I did not want to cause him any more pain. Funny how things work.

This Halloween, which will be in just a few days, we will be meeting with a divorce lawyer. Three years to the day that I decided that I would be with this man forever, I will be initiating the end of our "forever."

Since I began to realize that I was unhappy, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. I have come to the conclusion that I have been so worried about living an unstable life that I have been basing decisions on what seems comfortable instead of what is actually right and what will make me truly happy.

When I was 19 years old, my parents kicked me out of the house. Matt was right there to help. He and I moved in together. Soon after, we got engaged, and 10 months after that, we were married. Neither one of us ever lived alone. Neither one of us ever experienced a life outside of each other. Neither one of us took the time to realize the importance of either of those things. Perhaps if we had, things would be different.

After getting married, we were seemingly happy the first six months. However, I began to have doubts. He was gone a lot, and I was left to take care of our home by myself. I tried to convince myself that this is what wives do and that if we were going to be happy and have a successful marriage, then I needed to realize that and live that. A couple of months before our anniversary, I contacted an ex boyfriend to see how he was doing. We never met, only exchanged a few emails, but it brings up an interesting question. Did I really want to just catch up? Or was I reaching out to someone because I knew I was lonely and unhappy? Was I searching for an out?

That ex and I never re-connected. I decided that emailing him was crazy because I needed to learn to be happy with what I had. I finally told Matt that I needed his help around the house more, but did not get a good response. This is when remarks such as "my job is harder than yours" started coming out. The lack of encouragement, the lack of his presence, and the feelings that I could not be myself around him any longer magnified as time went on until it finally led to me leaving.

I think I knew the moment I left that I was done trying to make it work because I had tried so hard for so long and had gone past my breaking point. Again, I tried to convince myself that I needed to get over these feelings and that it was ME that was causing the breakdown of the marriage. Truth be told, it was both of us. Truth be told, he and I are two very different people that cannot agree to meet in the middle.

Telling Matt I want a divorce has been the hardest thing I have ever done. He's asking me for another chance on a daily basis. He says, "Please, just give me six more months or even three more months" but I cannot find it in my heart to do that anymore. I cannot compromise my happiness for something I don't believe will work. I cannot give someone another chance that constantly sends me on am emotional rollercoaster by brining me up and then almost immediately after cutting me back down. What's more, is he should not put up with it from me, either. We just ran into too much trouble when we tried to make each other fit into some pre-made mold we'd fabricated in our imagination.

It has been a very emotional decision, but it is what I feel is the best thing for me in the long run. Will I ever regret what happened? Sure. What has happened and what is happening SUCKS, but it doesn't suck as bad as what would happen if I waited to take control of my happiness. I used to think being married would make me happy. I used to think having a baby would make me happy. But the truth is, I need ME to be happy. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and to be able to live the life that I want to live knowing that it is because I want it and not because it's what I feel will make someone else happy.

Arthur Miller once said, "Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." I thought the purpose was to live with the least amount of regrets possible, but maybe he is right. Both deicsions, staying or leaving, will come with their own share of regrets. Let's hope I am picking the right set.

************************************************** ************************************************** **********************

Anyway, today was a rough day. The petition was filed and I began to look for an apartment. The first one I saw was a shit hole, which is not what you want to see when your heart already hurts over the circumstances. My friend that I'm staying with is gone for the weekend, so I have some time to be alone, which is what I need right now. I look in my friend's room and see my suitcase, basket, and two small overnight bags and get pissed off that I have become stripped of almost everything I have but it makes me happier. What kind of messed up stuff is that? Practically homeless, living out of suitcases, but I'm happier. It's so weird, but it helps me to realize that I'm making the right decision for myself.

I'm so thankful for my friends right now. Without them, I would not be doing nearly as well as I am. Every day presents new challenges, but they have been right there every single step of the way to listen to me rant, to hug me when I cry, to fill me full of ice cream when I'm stressed, or to make me soup and grilled cheese when I catch a cold. Stuff that I should have gotten from my husband all these years and did not. Sad, but true.

I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I am a mere 23 years old. I have so much to see and do!! I'm looking forward to living on my own, finishing my degree, doing some travelling, basically just whatever I want! I can also identify with feeling like I'm wearing a scarlet letter, but I've been told that it will fade in time. Time's all I have right now, so I am in good shape. :)

[HeatherFL]

angelraven Good for you for knowing you need to follow your own happiness!

The Scarlet Letter "D" will fade. I felt like that too. You are so strong and you are right-you're so young. You have so much life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy!

Take good care and I hope you find a great place!

~H.

[angelraven]

Thanks, Heather!! I'm a Heather, too. :)

I made one big step today and found myself a place to live!! It's a cute little one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes north of where I work. It's about 800 sq. ft, comes with washer and dryer hookups, double vanity in the bathroom (don't need it, but it's cool!), all appliances are in good shape, lots of windows, quiet neighborhood. There's a fitness center and a personal trainer that does free classes. There's also two pools, a hot tub, and a business center. The property has tons of trees, two lakes, and is very park-like. I love it and cannot wait to move in!!! We have a tentative move-in date put down for NEXT WEEKEND! I'm so excited and feel like a ton of weight is off of my shoulders.

[ca_girl]

I made one big step today and found myself a place to live!! It's a cute little one bedroom apartment about 15 minutes north of where I work. It's about 800 sq. ft, comes with washer and dryer hookups, double vanity in the bathroom (don't need it, but it's cool!), all appliances are in good shape, lots of windows, quiet neighborhood. There's a fitness center and a personal trainer that does free classes. There's also two pools, a hot tub, and a business center. The property has tons of trees, two lakes, and is very park-like. I love it and cannot wait to move in!!! We have a tentative move-in date put down for NEXT WEEKEND! I'm so excited and feel like a ton of weight is off of my shoulders.

The fun part is buying stuff (little bits at a time usually) that YOU like. I always was compromising on decorating with my Ex-H & I LOVE having my Liz Claiborne flowered sheets & candles everywhere! :D

[HeatherFL]

Heather, that is so great! Congratulations on your new place. :) It sounds WONDERFUL. And a FREE personal trainer? WOW!

One thing I can tell ya-splurge on some really nice bedding ;). I did that and it was like sleeping in heaven at night after the separation!

Keep taking care and I am so glad to hear that things are going well. :)

~H.

[DLove0429]

Good morning!

Another group I fit in to:-)

My name is Dawn and I was married for 4 years and dated/engaged for 2 years. One day he just decided I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy and if you aren't happy you shouldn't be together. We have been separated now 1 1/2 years and officially divorced for 5 months. Now that time has passed and I have had time to heal I know I am in a much better place.

I send lots of hugs and thoughts to all of you just going thru the process. It is certainly not easy!!

[HeatherFL]

Hi Dawn. :) Glad you are doing well!

~H.

[DLove0429]

Thank you very much :-)

[angelraven]

Hi Dawn! Nice to hear that you're doing so well. I hope to be there eventually. :)

************************************************** ********
I'm hurting really bad lately, girls. Really bad.

Sunday was moving day. My friend that was helping me move wasn't able to start until the afternoon, so I went over by myself in the morning and started gathering all of the small stuff. It was a really stupid idea for me to go by myself. I thought it would be easy. However, as I started packing and came across photos of us and wedding related stuff, it started to hurt. I started to think about things I had wanted for us and that he would not do. The wedding book that never got filled out because he wouldn't take the time to sit down with me and do it. It was "silly" to have a wedding book in his eyes. My view of everything is so tarnished right now that even our wedding holds very little fondess to me. All I can remember is that he wouldn't even have a dance with me because he was to embarrassed about how he might look in front of everyone. He couldn't that aside for five minutes on our wedding day. And, as usual, I made a concession for him and dropped it. I guess it doesn't matter anymore anyway.

I was so angry even when I pulled up to the house. The yard is overgrown. The landscaping that we spent so much money on and that I worked so hard to put in while he was playing his stupid computer games is all dead. The upstairs smelled like cat piss. It hurts that he would never help take care of what we worked so hard to get. I know he's hurting too and that the upkeep on the house is probably one of the last things on his mind, but it's nothing new. It's always been like that.

Once my friend got there, he was able to take charge of everything and try to help me through it all. Once we got everything loaded into the truck, I just stood in the middle of what was once our bedroom and looked around. My friend asked if I needed a minute to say good-bye, but I said no, let's just go. I'm ready to move on. I said good-bye a long time ago.

After we unloaded the truck, I took my friend out to dinner to say thank you. We had a good time. It was a nice diversion from all of the emotions swirling around. I'm very blessed to have him for a friend. He's fantastic. :)

Once we finished with dinner, we went back to my apartment and set up my bed. My friend left and I got to lay down in my own bed for the first time in a month. It was fantastic.

Now I get to spend some time arranging everything just how I want it. It's exciting and makes me feel really good. I did realize that there are still a lot of emotions to sort through. There's still some hurt over not feeling like I was good enough for him despite all I did. There is still some anger and bitterness because he wouldn't try to make it work all those times I asked him to.

The next step in this process is to get the paperwork pushed through and to find myself a good counselor so that I can really begin to heal.

[DLove0429]

Angel Raven it isn't easy but one day you will be okay - believe in that. I remember doing what you did this past weekend and I couldn't wait to get out of the house. Thinking about it I remember that day like it was yesterday but I now know it is what is best for me. You are what is most important so focus on yourself!!

Hugs

[ca_girl]

I'm glad you had a great friend there to help! Just take one day at a time. The decorating will bring some peace. You will have some tough nights, I'm not denying that, but you will also learn to love yourself that much more for standing strong.

I hope everyone is doing well! I just found out my Ex-H is back in jail. Looks like he'll be there at least through the holidays (& his 30th b-day). With all the horrible things he did, I still think about him, pray for him & one day, I thought about possibly writing, or visiting him, but I know better.

Luckily, my BF is flying in tomorrow for Thanksgiving, so he'll get my mind off everything! ;)

[HEW?B]

Hey Ladies
Just wanted to stop by and say hello. I feel the pain you all speak about. I was with the same man for 8 years. Got married and then ended up divorcing after being married less than a year. The pain was unreal. Notcie I used the wor WAS. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I was just re-married and could not be happier. Hearing your stories takes me back and I so recall just having no idea how to put one foot in front of the other. I think this is a great thread because the only way I was able to get through things was to communicate about what was going on. Huggs all around.

[HeatherFL]

Heather I am sorry you had a rough time moving out. No one would ever expect that it wouldn't be hard for you. I am just so glad you have a friend who is there for you and who helped you get your mind off of things.

I was reading some of the things you wrote-about making concessions and how your ex-husband wouldn't do simple things and I felt like I was reading about myself. On our wedding day my ex refused to get a manicure. I get some guys aren't into it, but he had said he would and then REFUSED. He was a nail-biter and I just wanted the picture of us with our wedding rings to look nice. 'Til this day I look back and think how could he expect a bride to want her groom to have chewed up nails in the wedding album? It may have seemed so petty, but was it really that big a deal? I had gotten us a board game to play and he would always say, "Later. Later." It was like I was always being dismissed.

Anyway, I won't go on and on. It's awesome that you will get to decorate and have things as you wish. You'll have empowering days and some really lonely ones too. Day by day it'll get better and better.

We're all here for you and wishing the best of wishes for you!

ca girl Sorry to hear about your ex-husband being back in jail. You are so good to still care and have positive thoughts on his behalf. I am glad your boyfriend will be there for you :). It is so wonderful having the right love in your life, isn't it?

Take care, everyone!

~H.

[ca_girl]

So I had a great Turkey day & birthday. Spent the weekend with my BF & it was one of the best birthday's yet. Turkey day would've been even better if The Office was on, but I survived! ;)

I hope everyone made it throught the start of the holiday season OK!!

[angelraven]

My first holiday without Matt is officially past me, and I did just fine. :)

I left on Thursday morning to go to my dad's house. During the drive down, I blasted whatever music I wanted to hear and sang as loudly as I possibly could. The weather was wonderful, I so had the sunroof open, too. It was a good drive.

Dad was really happy to see me. The last time I was down was this past September, but Matt and I were fighting then, so I didn't get to spend that much time wtih my dad. That afternoon we grilled steaks and had a huge feast. No, it wasn't turkey, but it was pretty darn good. We spend that evening watching movies and catching up on life's happenings. Step-monster was a doll the entire time. It was so weird. lol

On Friday, we went to my aunt's house and had a belated turkey dinner with all of the trimmings. My aunt has a 15 month old girl, Olivia, and a four year old named Hayley. I had so much fun playing with them and it really made me think about what life would be like had I stayed with Matt and had kids with him. I still truly believe I'd basically be a single mom, and I felt so relieved that I won't be doing that now. I've given myself the opportunity to find someone who I will be EXCITED to have kids with instead of TERRIFIED to have kids with. :) Hayley came and stayed the night at my parent's house. She and I watched Cars and Over the Hedge. She slept right by me and we told each other stories. :D

Saturday, I woke up and made Hayley and I some Mickey Mouse pancakes. She loved them. lol Playing with her and taking care of her really opened my eyes to how silly I was for ever even trying to convince myself that I'd be ok if I didn't have kids. It will be a REALLY long time until I get to (have to find a man first and I'm SO not ready for that! LOL), but at least I'm beginning the journey of finding out what *I* want.

Oh yeah, I still don't have my dog, Perny, but my parents "loaned" me their dog. lol Pepper Anne is a shitzhu poodle mix and is the cuddliest dog ever. She's a nice companion until I get my boy back. :) Funny story, on the way home, I passed through my old town and passed Matt on the highway. He saw Pepper Anne and looked PISSED! BWAHAHAHA!

Once I got home, I had time to finish putting away all of my things. I still don't like how the living room looks. I still have to get a desk, a table, and a tv stand. I'm going to go out and look at desks tomorrow, which should be fun. Every time I get to pick out something for myself I feel a rush of liberation. LOL!

[bluberry]

I wanted to share this with you ladies:

Divorce teaches you...

1) that you are capable of much more than you ever thought you were.
2) that being strong is easy when you believe in yourself, and almost impossible when you don't.
3) that actions are much more important than words.
4) that good friends are an invaluable source of strength.
5) that some friends are not worth keeping.
6) that money isn't the source of all happiness.
7) that forgiveness is a difficult and long process.
8) that anger is part of the healing process.
9) that being alone and single is far less painful than being married and lonely.
10) that love doesn't last forever.
11) that people change.
12) that nothing worth having comes easily.
13) that the price of infidelity can far exceed its pleasure.
14) that even spouses have their limits.
15) that one person cannot keep a marriage together.
16) that one person can break a marriage apart.
17) that lies and love don't mix.
18) that lust can destroy love.
19) that the legal system is not always fair.
20) that no matter how bad your life is, there is someone pretty close by whose life is far worse.
21) to use caution before you fall in love.
22) that emotional infidelity can be more dangerous than physical infidelity.
23) how much you never knew about the person you trusted with your life.
24) that waiting for someone else to change is pointless.
25) that if you want control of your life, you must take it instead of waiting for someone to give it to you.
26) that possessions are a poor substitute for love.
27) that hindsight isn't always 20/20.
28) to trust your instincts.
29) that ultimately it's all up to you.


“Our past is neither an accident nor a mistake.
We were where we were supposed to be,
doing what we were supposed to be doing,
with the necessary people." - Anonymous

[angelraven]

Thanks for posting that list, blueberry. I can identify with so many of those items.

[artist]

:::

[artist]

:::

[artist]

:::

[bluberry]

I also recall him saying about "in sickness and in health" that me leaving due to his alcoholism in a way was breaking that vow.

He broke all his vows the minute he laid a hand on you. I'd recommend you pick up a copy of Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin Smith. She does an excellent job of delving into all the unconscious lies most of us tell ourselves when we get married.

[artist]

:::

[koru05]

Hi Everyone!

This is a group where I fit. I've been divorced for almost 3 years. Well, the split was more than three years ago, but the paperwork was done slightly less than 3 years ago.

For the past year, I've been in a long-distance relationship, but that ended 2 weeks ago. Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of moving half-way across the country to reduce the distance in that (now-non-existent) relationship. It is a move that I can't easily stop (being homeless and unemployed is not an appealing option). M and I made the decision mutually for me to find a job and move near him, and he ended the relationship unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.

I know that my recent break-up is not as traumatic as a divorce (no drawn out proceedings or paperwork), but I have been through a divorce... so I understand how that goes too.

That's a pretty sucky introduction, but there it is.

[junkinmytrunk]

Hi Ladies.

I should have joined this thread ages ago. My story is somewhat long (for the full story -- search username "Sadwife" -- that's me) so I'll just bullet point for brevity:
- Happily in love with X and married in 01.
- 04 started TTC --- had major issues and 3 m/c's
- 05 X started an affair and began drinking and drugging (the affair unbeknownst to me) nonstop
- Sh&t hit the fan midyear and he moved out Jan 06
- I gave birth to DS March 06
- I moved from CA to NJ to move in w/Mom
- I've avoided filing until now -- it's time

I'm sick to my stomach and so unbelievably lonely and sad. We were once so very happy. How can it all go so awry? From utter love to hatred to this?

The worst thing for me is that I really miss having a best friend and companion. I love my DS to the ends of the earth but I feel like he needs some male representation in his life. My family is short on men - everyone has either passed away or divorced.

The holidays are taking a toll this year. Yes, it's DS's first XMAS and for that I feel so blessed but this is certainly not how I expected his first Christmas to be.

[maxandmolly]

The holidays are getting me down too. Roommate/ex says he's done with the slut, that they broke up a week ago, then didn't come home last night, and it doesn't like he will be coming home tonight, either. Being alone is bad enough, alone around the holidays is like just more salt in an already bitter wound. I shouldn't care what or who he does, but I can't seem to shut it off. God knows I've tried, and I so depserately want to. But living in the same house, it just doesn't seem possible right now.
junkinmytrunk, I remember reading your thread before your DS was born, and feeling so badly for you. I am glad you are making your way, however painful it may be, into a new life for yourself and your DS.

[koru05]

Hi Ladies.

I'm sick to my stomach and so unbelievably lonely and sad. We were once so very happy. How can it all go so awry? From utter love to hatred to this?



That is always a difficult question. I asked myself that about my marriage and the long-term relationship that just ended. I don't know that I'll ever find answers, but I do know that the pain and sadness subsides with time. I wish I knew the words to say to relieve some of your (all of our) pain.

[artist]

:::

[angelraven]

I got served today.

Not in the sense where some uniformed officer comes to your place of business or your home and gives you papers, but I did get served. I opted to go to Matt's lawyer's office and sign the Entry of Appearance. I was also supposed to sign a quick claim deed, which would basically take my name off the deed to the house, but that has not been drawn up yet.

The next step is for the division of assets agreement to be drawn up and signed.

I cried on the way home. I'm just feeling alone right now, and when I realized that I've been feeling this way for such a long time, I cried harder. Then, I started to wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't make my marriage work, so then I had to pull over and cry even harder because nothing is wrong with me. It just didn't work and I couldn't make it work no matter how hard I tried.

I'm feeling better now. I'm cuddling with my dog and just taking things as they come. It's just been a very rough day, even worse knowing that Christmas is next Monday. :(

[junkinmytrunk]

Angelraven: I feel just like you do. I wish I knew what to say. I'm putting on a brave face for those around me but I feel awful.

[angelraven]

It isn't always easy to put on that brave face either, is it. It stinks.

[artist]

:::

[junkinmytrunk]

Guys....what do you think about this?

www.completecase.com

Or perhaps a mediator vs. using an attorney. I mention these things because the X is close to the breaking point in terms of his sanity. He's been institutionalized once and he's right back where he was when that happened.

After the 1st of the year I have to file. I need to move on. I know if I use an attorney he will make it much more difficult (totally anti-lawyer, what can I say?) for me. Also, I am thinking he may even quit his job which leaves the finances all in my ballpark, and given the fact I'm a SAHM, it's going to suck.

So what do you guys think of these things?

[seastars]

...

[bluberry]

junkinmytrunk: I used http://www.legalzoom.com for my divorce. I think the total cost was $250, but we had agreed on how to split assets beforehand.

seastars: I remember you back from over yonder. I've always thought you were a strong and incredibly brave woman. Glad to see you around.

[junkinmytrunk]

Seastars - So nice to see you again. I've always valued your advice and kind words so very much. You are truly an inspiration.

[seastars]

...

[artist]

:::

[HeatherFL]

I just wanted to write that I am thinking of everyone. No great words of wisdom or advice, but I hope everyone is making it through the holidays okay.

~H.

[seastars]

...

[ca_girl]

Just wanted to say hi to the ladies! I haven't been around much, because my work blocked the site (I have no idea how I got on today!) & I don't have a computer at home right now (supposed to get one in the next couple weeks).

I hope everyone is doing OK & staying strong. I've actually been doing very well. My ex-H is back in jail (I have a feeling he didn't check in with his PO, or something, but I don't really know) & I've had NO contact with him. My BF is now my Fiance, but his exact wording was "Will you marry me..... someday". It was perfect, because he knows I'm still working stuff out in my own head/life from my 1st marriage. He'll wait & we don't really plan on getting married for about 5 years.

I'm still always thinking of you all & hope you are on the up-swing & not the down-swing!! I'll check in as often as I can!

[angelraven]

Awwww, that is so sweet, ca_girl!!!!

Well, I'm doing well. The divorce was finalized this past Tuesday!!!! It's OVER!!! I can breathe again and really start to move forward!

Speaking of moving forward.....I've sort of started seeing someone. It came very unexpectedly. He just kind of snuck up on me. :) I'm taking it extremely slow though, and he's extremely considerate of my situation.

I just feel like I am in a very good place right now in my life. My career is going very well, I'm loving my independence, I'm meeting new people, I'm going to school to finish my degree...all stuff I have wanted to do for so long. It's great!!

[ca_girl]

Well, I'm doing well. The divorce was finalized this past Tuesday!!!! It's OVER!!! I can breathe again and really start to move forward!

Speaking of moving forward.....I've sort of started seeing someone. It came very unexpectedly. He just kind of snuck up on me. :) I'm taking it extremely slow though, and he's extremely considerate of my situation.

I just feel like I am in a very good place right now in my life. My career is going very well, I'm loving my independence, I'm meeting new people, I'm going to school to finish my degree...all stuff I have wanted to do for so long. It's great!!

Congrats! I know with my BF (Fiance is too weird to say, since we'll be engaged a while) - I met him a month after my self-imposed "no serious dating for a year after leaving my ex-H" ended.

I think the best part of it all was finding myself & finding new, intersting hobbies/interests to fill my time. I loved hanging out with my girls, but learning about myself was the best part!

[HeatherFL]

Congratulations, angelraven. SO and I got together before my divorce was final and here we are over two years later! It's good you're taking it slow and that he is considerate of your situation. I am so glad that you are doing well and that you're happy. It's wonderful you are concentrating on YOU!

~H.

[Kiki]

Guess I'll chime back in too.

My husband is counter-suing me for divorce, but it looks like he's in agreement to everything. I haven't spoken to him though since Halloween and am thinking of trying to get in contact with him to see what kind of an agreement we can make to see if we can avoid mediation. I have an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow to talk to him about all of this and to get him copies of all my financial documents (that's what STBX is asking for.) I don't even know if STBX will talk to me; I don't know how that whole family feels about me now. Even though I do not want to be married to him any longer, I have no ill-will towards him or his family. I am not out to take everything away, I just want half of the house and his 401k because I believe I am entitled to those things. I have a feeling though STBX will think the complete opposite because I am the one who wanted the divorce, not him.

The divorce was supposed to be finalized on May 17, but STBX's lawyer is unavailable on that day, so it's been moved to June 4--STBX's birthday. This may sound ridiculous, but I hate for our divorce to be final on his birthday. I'm going to run this by my lawyer just to see what he says....I would hate for the divorce to go even longer then June 4.

Angelraven--can I just say how happy I am for you?! Keep on keeping on, girl.

Miss you guys!

[ysolde]

Hi. I am not sure if I should chime in here, but I am about to leave my H (see ES thread). When he is treating me like shit, I feel numb. When he is treating me "well," I feel guilty, because I am quietly planning to leave hte guy behind his back (and he has his suspicions, of course).

I want so much to feel normal, but I don't know what "normal" is anymore. I am so used to being tense, anxious, scared. I am tired, so very tired. I feel like I have to swim through a lake of fire to get to "normal," and how scarred will I be when I come out on the other side?

[ca_girl]

I don't consider myself "scarred". I consider myself smarter now. I know it's not going to feel that way anytime soon, but you'll get there. You'll lean to trust & love again. It's not an easy road, but if you have family & friends to lean on for some moral support (sorry - I haven't been on in almost a month - just got a new home computer, so I haven't read your ES thread yet), they will help you through. You will have the days (mine were nights) when you feel really down & just want to cry all the time. That's OK. Cry. Let it out. But then really be honest with yourself about why you left. I know the best thing for me was re-reading the journal I wrote right after leaving him. It helped me see why it got to the point of me leaving. It was still so fresh, I wrote with passion & upon re-reading it when I was thinking twice about contacting him, it made me stop from making the mistake of contacting him.

BTW.. I LOVE Rent. I think I'll watch it tonight. I need a good cry & it gets me every time!

[ysolde]

I have to call the divorce lawyer, and I keep putting it off. Not because I might change my mind, but because I won't change my mind. It's all so strange to me right now. H said this morning that I am being "friendly" again. Friendly? I am barely there anymore, I am so totally disconnected. How can he not tell?

Maybe what he always wanted was a marriage where I did not care where he spent the night, how late he stayed out, and whether he was around or not (indeed, these days, I prefer it when he is not around). This should bother me, anger me, make me feel something, but it doesn't. And it does not bother me that I feel so little.

[K Mayer]

Any single women still on here :confused: I love this site but unfortunately i am not at the married/baby stage of my life so I only view and respond to a few dif posts

[ca_girl]

I'm not married. I'm engaged, but after my last marriage, I'm putting off any kind of marriage/wedding for a few years. I'm not planning on having kids, so I won't ever be in that stage!

I only go into the tv threads, some ES, & the main CC thread. I don't even bother with the kid/wedding stuff.

[HeatherFL]

Hi everyone. I hope you all are doing great.

Had lunch with my ex-husband Monday. He emailed me asking and I agreed. Is it wrong that I was a little bit happy that he and his girlfriend are having major problems and are on the verge of breaking up? The now 20 year old I believe he left me for? She's getting that "Is the grass greener" urge. Huh. What goes around comes around. He saw me and was like, "WOW! You look so great." Eat your heart out, buddy.

In all seriousness, it seemed like he was fishing. All I can tell you is that if almost three years ago you would have told me I'd be sitting across the table from this guy feeling absolutely nothing, I'd have told you you 'lie' like a rug! And there I was. Feeling NOTHING. So for those of you with doubts, it gets better! It gets oh so better!


~H.

[Cricket4]

I appreciate that update, Heather. Good for you!

I just got an appraisal on my engagement ring. I'd been waffling about selling it, but XH has been such a tremendous shit in the time since our divorce, that everything surrounding our marriage seems yucky and tainted. I was VERY happy to get a nice quote from the appraisal, especially considering that XH reneged on everything that he verbally promised me during the divorce process. There were lots of "things" we didn't have included in the written settlement, b/c we agreed to be amicable, but he changed his mind and decided to be a you-know-what. So my mom and I were joking today that I'll go buy a new set of sterling silver, since he essentially stole my silver set, or else I'll buy a new set of boobs! :D

[ca_girl]

I'm glad to hear everyone is doing well.

Heather, I don't blame you for having that twinge of happiness about your ex having problems. As long as you don't fall for the "poor me" schtick & you keep not having any of the old feelings, good for you!

Cricket, buy whatever you want! Enjoy it!

All is well here. Just busy with work & friends. I have a lot of birthday's coming up, so it's party time! ;)

[HeatherFL]

ca girl LOL no, I think the man I've spent the last 2 1/2 years of my life with, whom I love wouldn't be too keen on that. ;)

Cricket4 LOL! Good for you!

[shoegal]

Can I join you ladies?

My name is Amy, I am 33 and live in Nashville. I have had two major relationships, one with a guy who had a lot of issues for 7 1/2 years. He did all the bad things--cheating, drugs, emotional abuse, etc. We did not have any contact with each other for about three years until I contacted him last August. Since then, we have become friends and hang out. He has changed a lot and apologized for everything. I am quite proud of him. He finally became the man I thought he could be.

The last guy I dated was a great guy but has a lot of issues in terms of how is life should be versus how it really is. It ended abruptly three weeks after our trip to NYC last year. No real reasons given. He married a girl who is pg with his kid and now has a SC. I have not spoken to him since he called to tell me the news last Nov. Oddly, he told me the news before he told his family and friends. We dated for 2 1/2 years and I was devastated for a long time.

I have since healed and know that when it is my time to meet the right one, it will happen.

I have had one small fling and a couple of dates but nothing of note.

Lately, I have been in a funk. It seems like I am the last single gal in my circle. I have a good friend that is single but just started dating someone. I wish her well but at the same time I get pangs of jealousy. I feel so badly for feeling this way. I want all of my friends to be happy. Is this normal? I thought that my sadness had disappeared once I had dealt with my previous relationship ended but I just started feeling like this in the past month or so.

I have had a lot on my plate--car wreck, new position at work (which is becoming a bit stressful) and most of my friends transitioning into new phases of their lives.

I am trying to remain positive but sometimes it just seems like I keep banging my head into the wall. While I have been fortunate in the fact that I do not have to deal with XHs or anything too terribly challenging; I keep wondering if I am meant to have a relationship. I know that I do not need a man in my life but I sure would like one in my life.

TIA for letting me be a part of this community.

Amy

[K Mayer]

HI Amy,

I am in the same boat, the last of the single gals in my group. Sucks and it doesnt. I have no desire to be in a relationship like most of them, they are really dependent on their boyfriends or hubbys. But i am envious of the companionship. Anyway, if u need to drop a line to one of the rare singles on here, please do. Note: if u drop me a line u might find the love of your life the next day, i seem to have that effect on people, ugh Im like a telepathic pimp.

[Linz]

Hi there, thought I would join in! I am sure most of you read my thread about my marriage ending, I have so many emotions going on right now it's hard to think sometimes. Thankfully I have work to keep me busy.

We haven't started the divorce proceedings at all, we are both just working on finding apartments. I don't even know where to begin. My dad is an attorney but I feel weird asking him about my divorce, I don't know why.

[artist]

:::

[Linz]

Hi Linz, how are you doing so far? You seem to be doing "well" considering.

I am "ok" I guess. I keep trying to tell myself it's the right thing to do and it'll all be ok eventually, but I do love him very much and I am going to miss seeing him everyday. I think that is what is hardest for me, I can deal with the loss of my husband because he not the man I fell in love with but I have known him for 8 years and we have been together every day for the past 2 years, it's hard to go from that to nothing at all. No one knows yet, except my best friend, how are you supposed to tell people that you're 7 months into your marriage and you're getting divorced? :(

[artist]

:::

[shoegal]

HI Amy,

I am in the same boat, the last of the single gals in my group. Sucks and it doesnt. I have no desire to be in a relationship like most of them, they are really dependent on their boyfriends or hubbys. But i am envious of the companionship. Anyway, if u need to drop a line to one of the rare singles on here, please do. Note: if u drop me a line u might find the love of your life the next day, i seem to have that effect on people, ugh Im like a telepathic pimp.

K- thanks for the welcome! I am so independent that sometimes I think that is part of my downfall! I don't need a man in my life but I would love to have one in it, to share my days with. I just may need to drop you a line. . .

Yeah, so I just found out a good friend of mine is pg with her third! :eek: They are thrilled and wanted to have another one (or two) but they wanted to wait a bit between the youngest and the next. Little bit will be about 21 months when peanut is born! She swears it will be another boy (they have 2) but they don't really care (plus they have a good supply of boy stuff now). They do make beautiful babies, so I can't wait to meet the newest addition.

A coworker laughed at me today saying I was like Addison on Grey's but instead of having PG women all around me, it is that plus engaged women too. :rolleyes:

I have been trying to get in a better place, seems like I have been in a funk the past couple of weeks. I can't really put my finger on it but I am hoping that I can work through it and learn from it.

Linz--I am sending some happy and peaceful vibes your way. If you ever get to Nashville, please come see me! We can have a girls night out on the town. Warning--I am not that crazy, so a night out could be a couple of cocktails, chatting and people watching!

[artist]

:::

[ysolde]

Today is such a strange day. H is leaving for Europe, and when he comes back, I will have moved into my own place. I thought I would feel relieved, but I feel empty instead.

[phoenics]

Well, he just made it really easy on me. He told me he has a girlfriend and he's moving in with her. He met her online, they just met this weekend - and yes, he slept with her - and now he's moving in with her and her two kids.

It's still really surreal. I'm extremely calm right now and just ready to move forward. We already split up the big property, figured out liabilities and all that. HOPEFULLY we will be able to just do a dissolution and leave the marriage ASAP. I'm devastated in some ways, but so glad that he was finally straight with me so I know it's *not my fault*.

Wow - that's almost exactly what happened with me and my ex-fiance.

I was planning my wedding on WC - went up to New York to try on Reem gowns (with REEM herself! *swoons*) and then BOOM! He broke off our 6+-year relationship and engagement over the phone.

He spent three weeks blaming me for everything and then I found out that he'd met some girl on the internet and had slept with her and that she was moving to live with him. That's why he broke it off. And actually, he flew home after he betrayed me and spent a few days hashing things out with his family. His sister was furious with him and felt so badly for me. His mom did too - she basically told him to leave me alone - since all he was going to do was hurt me. At the time, I was angry with her for that - now I thank her, lol.

I hadn't even gotten my stuff out of his place (we'd started merging our things in anticipation of being married) and she was already moved in. I remember that once when I called, she was washing her clothes - in MY F***ing washer and dryer! I was so sick. So sick!

I remember after that - everytime I saw another woman, I felt nauseous because I had never met her so I wondered if every woman I saw could possibly be her or look like her. What torture.

To this day he blames me for the breakup. I remember asking him a couple of years ago if we could talk - have some closure (because I never got any). He'd had a little girl with her and had married her by then - and I told him I didn't want to disrupt that, I just wanted to clear the air so it wasn't this ugly thing anymore. Just a closure chat. He turned me down flat, stating that he 'wasn't going to disrespect his wife and family to parent me through something that happened nearly 4 years ago'.

Sighs.

I wasn't trying to disrespect anyone - and after all of that, the least he could have done was to help me get some closure. I wasn't going to do anything bad or shrewish, sheesh. I hated how he treated me then - like I was some kind of 'other woman' who was showing up to cause problems in his marriage - as if SHE hadn't knowingly wrecked my engagement (with him, of course).

If there's one thing I HATE - it's him trying to paint me as some kind of homewrecker when all I wanted to do was try to get closure. That burns me up more than anything - especially after what they did.

Anyway - it bothers me that I can still get angry over it when I think I'm mostly past it.

[phoenics]

Adding on to my last post...

About 4 years ago, I went to a friend's brother's wedding. We'd all known each other since I was 11. Well, one of the brother's friends was there - he used to live down the street from me, so I knew him too when I was younger.

Anyway - I saw him and nearly FELL OVER. He was simply ... gorgeous. Like Denzel Washington, George Clooney, Brad Pitt (pre-Angie) gorgeous. We talked and I felt a spark. A big one - but he lived in NC while I was in grad school in AL. I saw him again at Christmas when all of us were back home. I felt a spark then too - and my sister noticed all kinds of things. But still... the distance. Then I finished up my phd and tried to find work in the DC area or in the research triangle park in NC. Ended up with a job in California!

I still remember his voice when I told him... shock - I think there was disappointment... *sighs*

Anyway, I moved out here and we kind of lost touch. I dated around - but none of them were even close to him. He was spiritually mature, kind, a perfect gentleman - just head and shoulders above anyone else. I told a few of my friends out in CA about him and I remember one of them threw a box at me (we were packaging some wedding invites). I still remember how it got stuck in the hot glue I was messing with - she was so mad at me for worrying over these idiots out here when there was this guy back in NC. But since he was in NC - I whined - I didn't know what could be done about that.

But I made plans to see him over the Christmas holiday. We went to dinner and it was great - beyond great. And we keep in touch...

But the distance. And he has an elderly father that he doesn't want to move away from. I feel kind of helpless - like there is nothing that can be done. Sure I can move back there eventually - but not for at least another 4 years (length of time I have to stay in my newly bought home due to my company's mortgage assistance program)...

I know I'm babbling, but it's nice to get this out and say it.

Sometimes I'm so sure that there's a spark between us and other times... *sighs* I feel like on the one hand, he's a man - so if he wants to try for something, he will do what it takes. On the other, I feel like he'll just decide it's not worth it and just bide his time for a woman who lives where he lives. It's ridiculous that he hasn't found anyone there (he's a bit shy) yet! None of my friends (even some who know him) can understand it.

His dad mentions me to my mom when he sees my mom back home - and when we went out last, he mentioned that his dad saw me... ugh.

It'd be one thing if I was meeting men out here that compared but I'm not. I'm meeting a bunch of perverts who send me pictures of women they've photographed in teddies! WTHeck is that about?

And it'd be one thing if I was meeting me who were even CLOSE to him - but I'm not. And honestly, even if I look at the best men I've known, he's still ahead of them.

My faith in God tells me that if this guy isn't meant for me, then there will be another - but my fear tells me that this could be a lost chance. I feel so conflicted. I can't move there yet and I know he can't move here yet. So it feels like we can't even *try* anything. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to him to do a long-distance (cross-country) relationship.

*pouts*

[phoenics]

Hi everyone. I hope you all are doing great.

Had lunch with my ex-husband Monday. He emailed me asking and I agreed. Is it wrong that I was a little bit happy that he and his girlfriend are having major problems and are on the verge of breaking up? The now 20 year old I believe he left me for? She's getting that "Is the grass greener" urge. Huh. What goes around comes around. He saw me and was like, "WOW! You look so great." Eat your heart out, buddy.

In all seriousness, it seemed like he was fishing. All I can tell you is that if almost three years ago you would have told me I'd be sitting across the table from this guy feeling absolutely nothing, I'd have told you you 'lie' like a rug! And there I was. Feeling NOTHING. So for those of you with doubts, it gets better! It gets oh so better!


~H.

That's great - I'd love to be in your position some day!

[Linz]

Started packing last night and I am going to look at an apartment on my lunch break!

[Linz]

Starting to feel really overwhelmed right now, I feel like I could honestly just break down at any moment (good thing I have a counseling appt. in 45 minutes) As if it's not bad enough that my marriage is ending, but I have to pack my entire house, find an apartment, file for divorce and basically start my life all over again and I am scared!! My parents have been great but I feel a lot of pressure from them to spend every waking second looking for an apartment and they want me to live in a nice neighborhood, in a gated community, with an alarm system, but I just can't afford all of that! and they want me to move ASAP! My whole family is calling trying to cheer me up and I just want to be left alone! I just feel like I want to crawl under the covers and cry all night. Does this feeling ever go away?

[Rose]

Linz that's totally normal. You've made a lot of decisions in a short time. I think once you actually get into your new place and unpacked it will get easier but you still have a lot of emotions to deal with. I moved next door to my parents after my XH & I sold our house so I very much know what it's like to have them hovering. They have gotten very good at giving me space and I know they only do it because they love me and are worried.

I would just let them know you do need some time & let them know what they can do for you. Good luck!

[ca_girl]

Starting to feel really overwhelmed right now, I feel like I could honestly just break down at any moment (good thing I have a counseling appt. in 45 minutes) As if it's not bad enough that my marriage is ending, but I have to pack my entire house, find an apartment, file for divorce and basically start my life all over again and I am scared!! My parents have been great but I feel a lot of pressure from them to spend every waking second looking for an apartment and they want me to live in a nice neighborhood, in a gated community, with an alarm system, but I just can't afford all of that! and they want me to move ASAP! My whole family is calling trying to cheer me up and I just want to be left alone! I just feel like I want to crawl under the covers and cry all night. Does this feeling ever go away?

Let yourself break down. You can't be strong 24/7. It helps to relieve some of the stress. Then when youa re "cried out", do something for yourself, whether it's packing up, getting ice cream, or watching a "chick flick".

Your family is probably in a place wherethey want to check on you, make sure you are OK & are trying to show that they are there for you. It'll get better. They won't call as much & they will get to the point of letting you call them. It's all still new for both of you. If you can, just turn off your phone. They will leave a voicemail.

Know that you aren't alone & there are a lot of us out here. It does get better. Take time to get to know & appreciate you again.

[phoenics]

Starting to feel really overwhelmed right now, I feel like I could honestly just break down at any moment (good thing I have a counseling appt. in 45 minutes) As if it's not bad enough that my marriage is ending, but I have to pack my entire house, find an apartment, file for divorce and basically start my life all over again and I am scared!! My parents have been great but I feel a lot of pressure from them to spend every waking second looking for an apartment and they want me to live in a nice neighborhood, in a gated community, with an alarm system, but I just can't afford all of that! and they want me to move ASAP! My whole family is calling trying to cheer me up and I just want to be left alone! I just feel like I want to crawl under the covers and cry all night. Does this feeling ever go away?

It does go away eventually. You just need time to heal and these feelings of being overwhelmed are very normal. You've got a lot going on right now... a whole lot. Whenever I started to get overwhelmed when I was in a rough spot of grieving, I would sit down and make a list or plan out something and it would help set my mind at ease.

In this case, it might help if you sit down and write out a realistic budget and then look at apartments in that range. If your parents start pressuring you, you look them straight in the eye and tell them that the kind of place they want for you costs X and you have Y. If they aren't willing to pony up the difference, then you won't be staying there. And it's okay to ask for a little space - but try not to seclude yourself too much.

I went into hermit mode after my breakup - I literally lay in bed all day and read Harry Potter books over and over again - just to escape. If you have any books that help you do that, try them out when you have the time. Sometimes it helps to empty your head of everything and fill it up with something from a good book.

Also, never underestimate the power of a good hug. Shortly after the breakup news (before I found out about the cheating though), I went back to grad school - where I had no family and no real close friends (yet - they grew into close friends who helped me through the bad time). Anyway, I would spend time with them during the day and then dread going home - because I'd be alone with my thoughts. So I would work longer hours and then I'd read books or keep busy at home - reading my Bible and spending time with God. I remember going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving (hadn't seen family since early September) and something happened (my uncle said something stupid or something happened to press a button in me and it hurt). My aunt asked me about it and tried to press on something - I was angry and bitter at the time - and I just remember feeling like I was this huge wound. Anyway, she saw how hurt I was and hugged me. It was in that moment that I realized I'd gone a really long time without anyone hugging me or holding me like that. The comfort I felt was overwhelming. I still remember it. So - don't underestimate the power of a hug from the people who love and care about you. It's another kind of therapy.

I also craved sleep because that was where I didn't feel pain - it was weird - my dreams were soothing and not stressful. I rarely dreamed about bad things - in fact, the dreams were always good - maybe that's because I spent time with God before sleep and right after (well, that sounds good to me). But sleep was one of my favorite times because I think that's when my body and spirit was trying to heal itself.

So I guess I'm saying don't forget to get your rest. I usually prayed myself to sleep whenever sleep didn't come easily.

And if you want to cry - CRY! The Bible says that even when we can't form the right words in prayer, the Holy Spirit translates the groanings of our heart up to God - so go right ahead and CRY. I cried a lot - there is something really therapeutic about it. I also threw things and raged and railed and shook my fists in the air. That is okay. You are entitled to your anger, hurt, pain, fear - all of it.

Also - the healing process isn't a straight line - up. It's more of a jagged edge. You'll take 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 back... but you'll almost always be going upward - just don't feel badly when you stumble a bit in your process of healing - it's totally normal.

God Bless You Linz. I'm praying for you. I know everything seems hard right now, but God is looking out for you and you've got your family and friends there. Everything will be okay - it's just a tough time right now.

[shoegal]

Linz, continued thoughts and hugs go out to you!

I am feeling better and might be getting out of my little funk. I have been working really hard at trying not to focus on the negative. Work is okay, just sold my first case, so I can at least say I have something on the books.

I had everyone over to my place for a cookout this past weekend. Everyone had a great time and it was so nice just being with my friends. I have a little crush on one of the guys that came with one of my coworkers. It is just nice to know that there is someone out there that catches my eye.

Had dinner with a friend tonight. We talked about the cookout and about his gf. I met her for the first time at the cookout. She is so sweet! We were already joking about taking a trip up to NYC. I was a bit worried about meeting her because every guy that I have been friends with their gfs did not care for me. Thankfully, she is a doll and we are all going to hang out soon.

Okay, now I must get back to working on some school stuff. Boo.

[Linz]

So, how do you get past the initial first few weeks of feeling utterly alone and depressed? I have never lived alone before which I am sure has a lot to do with it but I feel too depressed to unpack or do anything other than go to work (it still takes convincing to get up and go there) come home and lay in bed. Last night I laid in bed as soon as I got home from work and went to sleep at 7:30. I just cry and cry and cry, even over stupid shit. I hate being alone. I thought I had my happily ever after, I thought I had my husband and my perfect like and now it is all gone.

How do you just get over everything that happened in your marriage? I'm trying to tell myself it's not because of me but I can't help thinking if I was skinnier or prettier or a better wife he wouldn't have strayed and had that emotional affiar or started drinking and verbally abusing me or any of the other things that made out marriage fail. It breaks my heart to think that stuff but I can't help it.
:( :( :(

ETA: I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I am so utterly afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Yeah I want a career but I am not career crazed, I would be extatic to be able to be a SAHM eventually, I don't have a lot of friends (I have more friends I have met through CC and WC than I do IRL) I'm not a big partier, I can be a social butterfly but I have become a home body in the past few years. My STBXH and I were both virgins on our wedding night, I won't wait again but I'm not going to be able to just jump in bed with someone. I'm only 23 (in 2 weeks) but I just hear those stories of woman being single at 40 and that is ok, but I just don't want that for me. My family and my BFF keep telling me that won't happen and I'll meet someone great, blah blah blah but I have a hard time believeing them.

[maxandmolly]

Give yourself some time to grieve, to sleep, to cry, to whatever you need to do.
Then, unpack one box a day. Take your time-there's no one nagging you to do it except you.
As for living alone-I firmly believe every woman should live alone, at least once, for at least a year. Try to enjoy it! Sleep in, leave dirty dishes in the sink, make your bedroom the pinkest, girliest place ever.
Find a hobby. Paint, draw, make stuff. I find the best way to let my mind wander is to keep my hands busy.
You won't get over it overnight-don't hold yourself to a certain timeline of ok-ness.

[artist]

:::

[shoegal]

Linz,

Embrace this time in your life! Enjoy the fact that you can walk around your apartment naked past piles of clothes that need to be washed and put up. Enjoy eating cereal in front of the tv at night watching whatever you want!

I went through spurts of not wanting to be around anyone and my friends gave me a swift kick in the butt to make sure that I did get out every once in awhile. I ended up making sure that at least once during the weekend I made plans to get together with friends. We met for coffee, or went for a walk or hung out at each other's homes.

I will say it again, putting time between what has happened will help ease the pain. Cry when you feel like it and laugh too. You will need to let yourself grieve over the loss, reflect on the good, the bad and ugly. I did a lot of reflecting, wrote and talked with my friends about the situation. From time to time, we still chat about it but it doesn't happen to often now.

Also, my friends are always there telling me that I will find my special someone. I am sure I will but until then I am going to focus on my family, friends and myself. Making the best out of the situation will prepare you for the future.

Lots of hugs and love to you. You are doing great and I know that when you look back on this in a year, you will see progress and happiness!

Amy

[shoegal]

Me~well, I emailed W's friend and we chatted a couple of times. I was really excited but. . .

I went to a friend's birthday party and W came but his friend did not. A couple of us went to another bar after the party and his friend was there. We said hi but other than that we didn't really talk. I don't think he is that interested or if he is he doesn't want to harm his friendship with W. Which I respect.

W did get pissy about me not talking to him at the party but a friend's friend had come into town and I never get to visit with him, so I took advantage of him being there to catch up. W also told me that the girl he was interested in is dating someone else. I guess that explains why he is paying attention to me again. Oh well, not in the mood to be the girl who just happens to be there. :)

Happy early hump day everyone, I think I am hitting the hay!

[angelraven]

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted in this thread...

I saw my ex husband today. We had a couple of joint accounts left to take care of, one of them being a loan on his NSX. He finally sold it, so he brought down the title for me to sign. He looked good. We actually chatted for a bit... kind of like old friends would after being apart.

When I got home this evening, I made lasagna. As the smell wafted through my lonely one bedroom apartment, I started to think about everything I have in my life right now. I have a great career that is on the fast track. I have wonderful friends that support me in my crazy endeavors and love me despite my many faults. Buddy is the best dog in the entire world. I'm healthy. I made it another month on my own without overdrafting my checking account. lol

I sat down at my desk with my plate of lasagna and as I took a bite, my teeth sinking into the layers of goodness, I started to cry. Memories flooded of the last time I made lasagna. Snapshot-like images of setting the table for two, pouring two glasses of wine, and smiling as I sat down a plate with a perfect 2"X2" square of lasagna...no more, no less.(Oh the OCD!).. in front of the man I so dearly loved.

It isn't so much that I miss him. That's not it at all. This 784 sq ft apartment has just felt so huge lately. I miss having someone to love. I miss having someone to kiss me goodnight or to brush a stray hair from my face. I could list so many things. And honestly, I'm bloody pissed that he's found someone else and is happy. Why do the assholes in the world always prosper?

I've gotten to a point where I can remember the good things and I look forward to sharing that with someone else one of these days. But I've regressed a bit, and I've been so cynical the past couple of months for some reason. I've met a couple of really fantastic people and thought I was ready, but the thought of going through the pain I went through with my divorce all over again keeps me from really taking any risk. So maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was to start dating again. I left nine months ago, so really, it hasn't been all that long. I just need to step back, take a deep breath, and keep on going one day at a time.

After all...I did start crying over a f#cking piece of lasagna.....

I did joke with a friend of mine today that my lasagna is so good, it's life altering. I'm going to make that true. I'm going to vow to make the next time I cry over a guy be because he's made me happy. No more will I cry out of sadness.

[artist]

:::

[ca_girl]

I sat down at my desk with my plate of lasagna and as I took a bite, my teeth sinking into the layers of goodness, I started to cry. Memories flooded of the last time I made lasagna. Snapshot-like images of setting the table for two, pouring two glasses of wine, and smiling as I sat down a plate with a perfect 2"X2" square of lasagna...no more, no less.(Oh the OCD!).. in front of the man I so dearly loved.

Why do the assholes in the world always prosper?

I've gotten to a point where I can remember the good things and I look forward to sharing that with someone else one of these days. But I've regressed a bit, and I've been so cynical the past couple of months for some reason. I left nine months ago, so really, it hasn't been all that long. I just need to step back, take a deep breath, and keep on going one day at a time.

After 2 1/2 years, I finally don't cry over my ex anymore (or over little things that remind me of him!). It's been a long road, but it's so worth it in the end. I used to remember the good times also, but then I would pull out my journal & remember the VERY BAD times. That would snap me back to reality. I recently was able to completely let go of that journal & have started a new one to go with my new life.

Trust me - the assholes get theirs. Mine? He's going to prison (a mutual friend gave me the news). I don't know why & I don't know for how long, but he got what's coming to him. I'm not responsible for him anymore. I have a wonderful life & a wonderful man now. I'm looking toward the future & taking everything (as you said) one day at a time.

[shoegal]

Vent time--I love all of my friends. They are my family in Nashville and they mean the world to me but. . .

I was MOH for a dear friend's wedding about a year and a half ago. We are both busy with life but after several voicemails we normally get each other and catch up. I talked to her last week but she did not mention any news. I found out through a coworker yesterday that she is pregnant. I am happy for them but huh? You knew last week but didn't tell me. I work with your FIL and he has been jumping for joy this past week. I finally got a call this morning and she told me. It wasn't planned but after the intial shock they are happy about it. I am happy about it but just a bit hurt that she didn't share the news with be before. I swear, people left and right are getting engaged, married, pregnant and I am still sitting here wondering why I am not good enough for any of that. Most of my friends just keep suggesting to try online dating or it will happen. I appreciate the positive attitude but really, I just think that there are no dateable guys out there. I am beginning to think I am truly the third wheel in my whole circle. And they all get pissed when I say I seriously question what is wrong with me that guys run the opposite direction when they see me. I don't spout off that I want to get married and have babies. Hell, at this point, dinner and a movie sounds like heaven. I know that if it is supposed to happen it will but I am just so frustrated right now! Can't a girl get a break?

Okay, now I must put on my happy shoes and head out to a ball game. Just wanted to get that out.

[EllieInGa]

I guess you can count me in. H moved out on Saturday...you can read the rest of my story in my thread in ES. I feel like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My head is exactly in the right place, but I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. I know we just won't work out, but I told myself I wouldn't make any major decisions for atleast a month, maybe two.

I'm so not afraid of being alone, I just don't want to be alone forever. I have so many good memories of H, and I just want to share things like that with someone else. Right now I feel like this washed up 26 yr old with two kids that NOBODY will want to be with.

Anyway, I'm reading along!

[artist]

:::

[EllieInGa]

Artist, thank you! I'm still torn between the guy I WISH he was and the guy I KNOW he is. I told a friend this morning that I love him so much but it's not the love that a wife should have for her husband. And I know he probably feels the same way.

Oh! Get this...he's coming to see the kids on Tuesdays & Thursdays and is going to leave his laundry for me to do. WTF is that?? The sad part is, that in that moment, I said OK! I wish I'd told him to do his own freakin' laundry. I'm filing for a legal seperation so I won't be responsible for his debt, which he will inevitably let pile up. I REALLY don't want to, but I know I have to. Just sad!!

[shoegal]

Ellie--welcome. You are not washed up, trust me.

Artist--thanks for the words of encouragement. I know that being single is okay. I don't mind it most of the times but I was just so fed up by Friday that I could not stand it. A lot it has to do with the fact that with the exception of one friend, everyone else is in a relationship of some sort. I just don't meet any guys--loser or great. I have a lot of great people in my life but the only people they know are coupled up. I try to keep an open mind about it all and have even accepted that I might have to date some more frogs before I meet my prince. I have even done a lot of reflecting so I can learn more about myself and what I do that is "wrong" when it comes to dating. The last guy I hung out with is adorable but very young and has no interest in dating me, which is fine because he really does need to go out and have fun. He just really helped push me over the edge because he has no problem asking me to play around with him but doesn't understand why I don't want to.

Oh well, new week and a chance to start fresh and appreciate all that I have. :)

[Linz]

Well I signed the divorce papers yesterday. STBXH should be getting them this afternoon. He is pissed off at me because he wanted me to give them to a friend of his who would then give them to him and I told him that I would rather go through my attorney's office and he hung up on me. :rolleyes: I hope this is all over with soon. He is moving to Missouri as soon as this is all over, I am kinda glad, I think it will be good for us to be far apart. Still going to counseling, in fact I have an appt. in about 1 1/2 hours. I have a lot of pent up anger from this situation and my STBXH really tore me down with him verbal and emotional abuse and the counseling is really helping me.

My best friends boyfriends best friend wants to go out with me :rolleyes: I had met him once before when I was engaged and I swear like the second I moved out he was asking about me. It's kind of creapy and I am just not ready to date.

[angelraven]

Linz,

I'm sorry and Congratulations....put them in whatever order you would like. :) Seriously, it's a huge step and one that carries a crapload of different emotions all wrapped up in one package.

I'm glad you're going to counseling. That was the best thing I did for myself.

So...is that YOUR doggy in your avatar? :D

[Linz]

Thanks.

It is so many emotions, I didn't know I could have so many emotions all at once, it is overwhelming at times but it gets better everyday.

Yes, that's Rex. My parents bought him for me for my birthday. He is honestly the best thing that could have happened to me in this situation. He is always excited to see me and always puts a smile on my face :)

[angelraven]

I'm so happy you got a doggy! What a great birthday present! :) I got Buddy right after I moved into my own apartment as well. I'm not sure I'd be doing as well as I am if I didn't have him. He lights up my entire world. I adopted him from a shelter, so he had a rough life. We both needed someone to love and to love us at this particular point in our lives, so we're a perfect pair. :D Sounds like you and Rex are too!

[EllieInGa]

I've had a rough few days. Between sick kids and no sleep and random crap from H, I feel like I'm being run over. My doctor is giving me Zoloft. I HATE that I have to take it. I think it's just a pride thing, but it's kind of like do I sit here and let myself go nuts or get ahold of it while I still can. I need a nap!!

[artist]

:::

[HeatherFL]

I don't have words that can tell you that you get the right to vent, and I identify with so much of what you have written.

Good for you, get it out.

I am so amazed by you.

~H.

[artist]

:::

[JamBray]

Well it looks as if I will be joining this group. :( As some of you may know, I have been dealing with a gambling husband for a little over a year now. He was also doing drugs for a number of years, but I had no idea until last October. He supposedly has stopped that, but the gambling continues and I just can't take it anymore. I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, and have been checking the papers daily for apartments and jobs (moving out of state).

This really, really sucks, and I'm so mad at him for turning into this person that I don't know, and for all of the lame apologies and broken promises. I hate that he doesn't see what he's doing to me, and thinks at times that it's no big deal, and that I should join him sometimes. Then he flips and says he knows he needs to change his behavior and he's sorry. Well which is it?!

I've been unhappy for so long, and am so tired. I'm done; I want out.

[Linz]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think most of us can relate to the lies and excuses and broken promises. None of it is fun and it is horribly heartbreaking. Good luck finding an apartment and a job, if you need support please turn to us we are here to help. If it is feasable I would talk to a therapist, I moved out on June 1st and have been in counseling for about 9 weeks now and it has helped immensly!

Please keep us posted and good luck.

[bluberry]

JamBray: I do remember your story from ES. I'm so sorry it has come to this and that your husband has been unwilling to change his behavior. I believe you will sense relief a lot sooner than you expect. The act of moving out itself is so liberating in a sense...

Please know that you are not alone and we're all thinking of you.

[JamBray]

Thank you Linz. I do plan on gettting into counseling as soon as I'm moved and settled, but not right now. I'm also considering gam-anon meetings as well.

I hope that you're right bluberry, as I feel no relief now even though I'm firm in my decision. I'm just confused as to how to do it all. Do I wait until I can find a place to live and a job before filing, or do I just file, move, and hope for the best? I'm also concerned about my animals. I plan on taking my cats with me, but if I'm staying with someone while trying to find my own place is it best to leave them with my husband and just get them when I'm settled? I really don't want to board them, but I can't imagine how hard it would be for me to leave and then have to come back into it within just a few weeks to pick them up. *sigh* So much to think about and plan for. :(

[EllieInGa]

JamBray, I know that moving on is so hard. Being in the center of it, you can never see the other side. It seems like you'll never be at peace, but you WILL be. Even with all the crap H keeps throwing my way, I'm happier now than I was before. It is incredibly hard, but you will be so much happier if you focus on the positive aspects of your situation. Like bluberry said, moving out really is liberating. Of course you might be lonely, but atleast you'll be living your life without the daily turmoil.

Just take deep breaths, remember what you want out of this life, and move forward. HUGS TO YOU!!!

[Rose]

JamBray - For financial reasons you may want to consider filing for legal separation quickly. You can do it in one day at the courthouse and then when you are emotionally ready you can file for divorce. That's what I did after XH chose to leave rehab and had done something to piss me off I went straight to the courthouse, but it did take me longer to be ready to file for divorce.

[junkinmytrunk]

Been a while since I've been around the thread -- hugs to everyone here. After nearly 2 years, we've finally filed for divorce. I think waiting this long actually was good because a lot of the extreme anger and hate and sadness has sorta gone away.

We went into the whole thing logically and rationally and things WEREN'T fuled by emotions, thank goodness. It's still early in the process and things could go due south at any moment but for the time being, it seems to be OK.

The hardest hardest hardest part of it all is being alone -- I am SOOOOO lonely it's awful. Additionally, we've discovered my DS has a host of developmental delays and it would be nice to have a partner to help with all that, both emotionally and otherwise, but I'll get through.

Are any of you gals dating? I am really ready, honestly. For all intents and purposes, I've been alone since July 2005. If you are dating? How do you find dates????

[meggiedarlin]

junkinmytrunk: Trust me, there are good men out there. I'm marrying one of them on Aug. 18. And we met through Yahoo personals. A friend of mine just joined and has also found a great guy.

[junkinmytrunk]

Okay, Meggiedarlin, you got me curious. Two for two on YP...I'm going to log on now. Can't hurt, right?

[JamBray]

JamBray - For financial reasons you may want to consider filing for legal separation quickly. You can do it in one day at the courthouse and then when you are emotionally ready you can file for divorce. That's what I did after XH chose to leave rehab and had done something to piss me off I went straight to the courthouse, but it did take me longer to be ready to file for divorce.
Well, I'm trying to get a separation agreement together for him to sign, but I haven't seen him since Saturday. I did finally talk with him yesterday, but he said that he was upset and hurting too, and his way of dealing with things is to disappear. We don't have any shared assets, but do have a joint credit card that he agreed to pay. So I think I need to get this in writing before I file anything, but I'll talk with my attorney about it. Thanks Rose.

[Linz]

Hey all. Thought I would update what is going on in my neck of the woods. I go to court next Tuesday to basically just go in front of a judge and say that we are incompatable and then everything should be final. My dad had a baseball trip planned with his friends to LA on that day but he cancelled it to be with me :) he is an attorney and thought he should be with me for my first court apperance. I have a pretty kick ass family. Since we were only married for 8 months when I filed for divorce I couldn't get alimony, even though he makes twice as much as I do but my attorney did get him to pay me one lump sum and I am going to put it in a CD and get as much money out of it / him as I can. lol.

I haven't seen or talked to my STBXH in about 2 weeks. The last time I talked to him he had come over to get the last of his stuff, birth certificate financial documents, ect. He was all clean shaven and looked decent which was something he was lacking the last few months of our marriages, he was being attentive to everything I was saying which never happened even when we were "happily married" Before he left he said "well I better leave before I try to kiss you" :mad: He is such a manipulative prick. Does he seriously think after all he's done to me and said to me that I would actually want to go there again. He's hurt me too much for me to look back now.

He is supposed to be moving back to either Indiana or Missouri, God knows when. First it was in July because he was losing his job Aug. 1st, then he was losing his job July 15th, then they cut his pay in half, now his lay off date is sept. 1st. I don't believe a word out of his mouth. At least he lives about 45 minutes from me so I never have to see him. He moved out here to be with me, there is nothing else out here for him, I don't see the reason to stay.

Emotionally I am doing well, the tears are less and less. I am lonely, but I don't miss him if that makes sense. I am lonely and miss affection and touching and cuddling and kissing but I don't miss Will. Did anyone watch "The Starter Wife" with Debra Messing? On one of the episodes she said "I just need a really good kiss" that is how I feel right now. I am craving a great passionate, knock me off my feet kiss, is that weird.

[ca_girl]

My divorce will be final for 2 YEARS on Aug 19! How will I celebrate? By going to Maui with my man & my family the next week (the trip just happened to fall then).

There really are good guys out there. I wasn't looking at all when I found mine. I just went to a Superbowl party & a friend of ours brought his cousin that was in town. We have talked every day since - over a year! Yes, we have a long distance relationship, but it actually works well right now. We both stil go out with our friends & hang out & it makes our time together that much better. I can't wait until he moves here, but I'm OK with him not being here now.

Just take everything day-by-day & try not to let yourself get overwhelmed. I know I've said it a million times, but when you want to cry... CRY! You are mourning something that you thought would be forever. It's OK.

[mkredhead]

I second the online dating. I met my FH on Match.com. Our first date was 364 days after my divorce was final. He is wonderful!

[junkinmytrunk]

Hi girls, how are we?

I was just sitting in a salad shop with my 17 month old, and the table next to us had the stereotypical nuclear family -- mom, dad, toddler and 4-ish year old. I was of course near tears, as their family looked to be as happy as happy could be. Who knows their backstory -- regardless, it stuck in my crawl. Okay, done feeling sorry for myself.

[JamBray]

I know what you mean junkinmytrunk. I was in the mall the other day and saw a couple looking at engagement rings. I almost burst out crying right there, but managed to hold it together.

H finally came home last Friday, and after yet another talk about his behavior, it's back to the old routine. We see each other sometimes, have awkward small talk, sometimes still say "I love you" and yet still sleep seperately (I've moved into the guest room, while he chooses to sleep on the couch). *sigh*. Hoping to be getting my rental application in today on an apt. that I really want, and then be moving by the end of the month. Just not looking forward to telling H that I'm really leaving him this time. :(

[junkinmytrunk]

I know what you mean junkinmytrunk. I was in the mall the other day and saw a couple looking at engagement rings. I almost burst out crying right there, but managed to hold it together.

H finally came home last Friday, and after yet another talk about his behavior, it's back to the old routine. We see each other sometimes, have awkward small talk, sometimes still say "I love you" and yet still sleep seperately (I've moved into the guest room, while he chooses to sleep on the couch). *sigh*. Hoping to be getting my rental application in today on an apt. that I really want, and then be moving by the end of the month. Just not looking forward to telling H that I'm really leaving him this time. :(

Oh, I so hear you. I guess what kept / keeps me sane re: getting divorced is thinking about the bad times. Sure, it's torture but it keeps my head on straight. Hugs to you, girl.

[Linz]

Let's see, what's going on with me?

As of July 31st I am officially divorced. It was sort of anti climatic. I am just glad to be moving on with my life. I talk to my Ex-H occasionally, usually through e-mail about nonsense stuff. He is going home to St. Louis this weekend for a job interview on Monday so hopefully he gets the job and gets out of town.

I am having some issues with the divorce, like I feel like I have this huge scarlet letter "D" on my chest. I am a 23 year old woman who was divorced just short of being married for 10 months. How pathetic.

I quit my job because I was being sexually harrased and now I am unemployed and desperately trying to find a new job.

Other than that I am just trying to make it through each day.

[EllieInGa]

I'm still here, too! I got my court date...September 7th. My anniversary was the 27th, so I'm just shy of 4 years. I'm SO INCREDIBLY sad, but I know there's nothing else I could do. It's hard to talk to him and hear snippets of the guy I know he oculd be, but I just can't spend my life waiting for that change. Moving on! :(

[junkinmytrunk]

I'm still here, too! I got my court date...September 7th. My anniversary was the 27th, so I'm just shy of 4 years. I'm SO INCREDIBLY sad, but I know there's nothing else I could do. It's hard to talk to him and hear snippets of the guy I know he oculd be, but I just can't spend my life waiting for that change. Moving on! :(

Ellie -- those snippets are the worst. How they become these awful (in my case, a womanizing, cheating, verbally abusive raging alcoholic) spouses, when there is good inside them -- just astounding.
Good luck to you on the 7th.

[artist]

:::

[junkinmytrunk]

Wow. Linz - your divorce finalized really quickly. In CA it takes way longer and we've been (thus far) agreeable on everything. I think NV does it better -- quick and done.

And Artist - I forgot to mention - sorry about the passing of your anniversary. I know that sucks huge. My sixth isn't until November so I have some time yet but it still rots. It doesn't help much that my primary email addy is mynameanniversarydate@yahoo -- I really gotta get on changing that.


Funny, I'm the first of my friends divorcing, and frankly, I don't see any of them splitting. I really don't. I know the stats but it just seems so unlikely. However, I can say that NO ONE and I mean NO ONE EVER EVER thought my STBxH and I would split. He was so loving and and kind and attentive for so many years -- hell, my mom STILL loves him, even after what he's done to me and indirectly, my son. I just think I am worth more than having a man who cheats on my constantly, has an addiction to alcohol, and is unable to parent his son consistently. Yes, he really loves our kid, he does, but he just can't hang with it. As the day wears on he starts needing a drink more, and by say, 5pm, he's ready to bring a cocktail on the walk over the playground :eek: which leads to oh, say ten or 15 more later in the day.

Sigh.

[EllieInGa]

However, there was a tinge of meloncholy. I saw them and felt sad that I didn't get to have that happy and peaceful marriage that worked, nor did I ever get to have the excitement of having a child. Of course, life goes on and someday I hopefully CAN have all of that.

I was at my parents' house last night, and they had on the 60's & 70's music channel on Direct TV, and DD, of course, wants to dance. Next thing I know, both of my parents are dancing with my kids, and I'm sitting there in tears thinking of how much I wish that that was me and STBXH. It's hard to see the happy people, but it makes me really hopeful that that's going to happen someday soon because, bottom line, we're all going to move on and be incredibly happy one day. It may seem like a million years from now, but the good times will come back.

[junkinmytrunk]

Ellie:

I was at my parents' house last night, and they had on the 60's & 70's music channel on Direct TV, and DD, of course, wants to dance. Next thing I know, both of my parents are dancing with my kids, and I'm sitting there in tears thinking of how much I wish that that was me and STBXH. It's hard to see the happy people, but it makes me really hopeful that that's going to happen someday soon because, bottom line, we're all going to move on and be incredibly happy one day. It may seem like a million years from now, but the good times will come back.


Oh I so hear and so agree. I just want to get to the happy times already. I remember being so, so happy and I just miss it so much. How are your children doing? My son is (thankfully) too young to realize what is happening. He sees Daddy and is really happy but doesn't know it when he's not there. Also, my ex is in CA and I'm in NJ so it's a loooong ways between visits.

[EllieInGa]

My kids are doing exceptionaly well. My daughter seems to be back to normal and, though she never mentions daddy not living at home, I know she knows it. My son is just a little over 14 mos. old, so, of course, he's too young to even know. I try to keep STBXH in the loop on all the fun things the kids are doing, but he never calls me back. One day he loves me and wants this to stop, and the next he ignores my phone calls. Those are the times when I hate the SOB and am SO glad I'm moving on.

[JamBray]

Artist - I think that the grief is very similar, for you may not have lost your spouse to death, but you have lost him. The person you knew is now gone and may never come back to you, and that makes me super angry. As I've said before, I just can't understand how this great guy has fallen so far and become what he has, and why he won't be stronger than his addiction. It just kills me. :(

Ellie I'm glad that you're kids are doing well with all of this, and I hope that that continues.

junkinmytrunk - You're definitely worth more than how your alcoholic ex treated you, so keep telling yourself that.

I miss the happy times as well, and I'm not even out of it yet. Not looking forward to the wall I'll hit once I get out and on my own. Which, btw, is happening at the end of the month. I got accepted into an apartment on Friday in OR and am waiting for the lease agreement in the mail. While I'm excited to be moving, it rips my heart to pieces to not only be losing my marriage, but also knowing that I'll probably never see my dog or bird again (they're H's, so can't take them with me). :(

A question that I wanted to ask of you ladies was when did you tell your exes that you were leaving? I have been bringing this up off and on to H since January, but only really seriously talking about it over the last month. However, I don't think that he believes me. The rational and do-the-right-thing part of me wants to tell him sooner rather than later so as to give him time to absorb and process it all. However, my cousin (who went through the same thing) told me to wait until that day before, as I don't know how he'll react and why put myself through any guilt, anger, tears, manipulation he might throw at me to try and get me to stay? But even so, it just doesn't feel right to spring this on him the night before I go, you know? So I thought I'd pose the question to you all to get some more perspectives. Thanks.

[artist]

:::

[JamBray]

Wow artist, I'm so sorry for all of the shit that your ex put you through, and that it got so ugly. Do you think though that when you first told him it was over that he believed you? I ask because I've been saying to H since January that if he doesn't stop with the gambling that I'm out. And even though I kept giving him chances, I still kept repeating myself. However, I feel that when I tell him I'm really going he's going to act all surprised and then that's when whatever it is will start (tears, anger, guilt trips, whatever). That's, like I said, why I'm debating over when to do it.

[junkinmytrunk]

Jambray:

it rips my heart to pieces to not only be losing my marriage, but also knowing that I'll probably never see my dog or bird again (they're H's, so can't take them with me).

Oh honey, this happened to me. I lost my two cats -- he "got" custody of my babies and it broke my heart to utter pieces. No easy way to deal with this.

As for how I told him -- well, it's a totally unusual circ (you can read the "sadwife" username thread -- it says it all) so there was no real surprise. No easy way of doing it.

And Artist, girl, you are a strong one. Alcoholism and addiction are bears, they really are. My ex is also a musician (drummer) -- bet we could trade some stories offline....

[ysolde]

My H still doesn't believe it's over. I have moved out. We are living apart. He still comes over, wants a key to my new place. I don't think he will believe me until he gets the spearation papers from a lawyer.

[JamBray]

junk - I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your two cats to him. :( And I do remember reading part of your story before. I'm glad you're no longer in that situation.

ysolde - Wow, I can't believe your H! So did you only file for legal separation, or full divorce?

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Well if any hope had remained within me about H and I working things out, last night threw that out the window and solidified the answer as to whether I should just file for separation or divorce. He was a complete assh*le to me, demanding money back that he had given me for some bills saying that he needed it or he was going to lose the house. I kept saying no, and he kept pushing, at one point saying "F**k you" to me, something he has never done in our eight years together, and one of the cardinal rules in our marriage. I did yell it back to him, but only in retaliation, and also said that he was an assh*le and that I hated him.

Back and forth, back and forth. He just didn't believe that I had deposited cash on Sat. via the ATM, and said he was going to look through my office for the money. He came up with some weird reasoning saying that my bank wasn't open on Sat. and that I don't deposit cash that way. :confused: Then when he realized I really didn't have it, he kept pushing for a check and saying that if I didn't give it to him then he would never give me another dime and I'd be stuck with a $13,000 debt (from the one joint card we have). Finally after much agonizing I did give in. I was just so scared (not for my safety, but just of what he might do in terms of wrecking the house, selling stuff of mine, etc.) of this person standing before me and still can't believe what a mean, horrid person he turns into when he's so desparate for money. It was all just so awful.

Later on he called to apologize (whatever), saying that he didn't mean it and that it just slipped out. I said that he did mean it and that I couldn't believe that this was what he'd become, and how could he treat the one person that loves him so much like sh*t?

I'm so glad that I only have 12 days left, and will be speaking to my lawyer this week to file for divorce.

[Linz]

I am so sorry JamBray.

[Linz]

I don't know if I posted this but I am offically divorced. I am glad and I am moving on. I had an amazing date last night and I plan to see him again tonight.

[junkinmytrunk]

Jambray: Gosh I am so sorry you went through that. It's freaking awful what we have to deal with.

Linz: Wink wink. So happy you've found a nice boy. YAHOO! Giving us all hope, lady!

Ysolde: Hoping you are settling into the new apartment. And so sorry to hear STBxH is swimming in that river in Egypt.

Artist: How ya doing?

[JamBray]

Well after not speaking to H for 3 days, he just called me at work in tears and barely speaking above a whisper. He told me not to leave and that he'd do whatever it took, but "just don't leave". It of course pulled at my heart, and made me want to say "Okay, I'll stay", but instead I told him that it was too late and why didn't he say these things months ago? He said that I was making it too late, but I said that this was all due to him (why does he not realize this?), not me, so don't put that on me. He sat there for a minute, and then said "Okay, bye" and hung up. I want to call him back but am fighting the urge.

Part of me just wants to fly home and hold him to try and soothe his pain, but what about my pain? When was the last time he comforted me and was my strength? When do I get to be taken care of again? People warned me that this might happen, and here it is. :(

[ca_girl]

I don't know if I posted this but I am offically divorced. I am glad and I am moving on. I had an amazing date last night and I plan to see him again tonight.

Congrats (on both)! The 2-year anniversary of my divorce being final passed on Sunday & I didn't realize it until Monday!

JamBray stay strong & stick to your guns. It's a painful/difficult path & it seems so easy to just go back, but "sticking to your guns" is what will be best for you in the long run. I had my doubts & I would go back & read the journals I wrote of the horrible things that happened & that is what helped me to stick to my plan.

[EllieInGa]

JamBray, I'm sorry your H is doing that, but that, too, will get better. My STBXH did that also, but it seems like they do get to the point of acceptance. They may not be nice to you, but he'll probably get the point sooner or later and stop begging. But I do know how hard it is to hurt for someone and still walk away. You're doing the right thing for yourself, and that's all that matters right now.

So, wow. I met the most awesome guy last night totally unexpected, totally out of the blue. Obviously, my divorce isn't final, but this guy is SO my type. He's a friend of my brothers and is in this young professionals network. He's older by about 6 years...totally my type! it makes me excited and happy to know that as soon as the dust clears, I'm really going to be ok and I might just find that perfect for me guy.

[artist]

:::

[JamBray]

JamBray stay strong & stick to your guns. It's a painful/difficult path & it seems so easy to just go back, but "sticking to your guns" is what will be best for you in the long run. I had my doubts & I would go back & read the journals I wrote of the horrible things that happened & that is what helped me to stick to my plan.
Thank you ca_girl, and I'm definitely doing that, no matter how hard. Also, that must have felt so good to not even notice the date. Here's to your bright future. :)
JamBray, I'm sorry your H is doing that, but that, too, will get better. My STBXH did that also, but it seems like they do get to the point of acceptance. They may not be nice to you, but he'll probably get the point sooner or later and stop begging. But I do know how hard it is to hurt for someone and still walk away. You're doing the right thing for yourself, and that's all that matters right now.

So, wow. I met the most awesome guy last night totally unexpected, totally out of the blue. Obviously, my divorce isn't final, but this guy is SO my type. He's a friend of my brothers and is in this young professionals network. He's older by about 6 years...totally my type! it makes me excited and happy to know that as soon as the dust clears, I'm really going to be ok and I might just find that perfect for me guy.
Thanks Ellie, and things actually have gotten a lot better. It's nice to hear that you're so optimistic and excited about meeting someone new, and yes, you're definitely going to be okay.
Wish me luck. Court today. Details in journal for anyone who cares.
Good luck artist. I hope all goes well for you.

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So after some craziness H has finally calmed down and has realized that I am leaving and nothing he says or does will change that. Weirdly enough he's been really sweet to me, and respectful of what I need to do (even offering to stay away so that I could pack and not feel awkward with him around). I know that I said I was done, but I'm not, and have repeatedly told him that I'm not closing the door on this, I just need a break from it all. I'm really hoping that this will be a turning point for him, and he'll take the steps necessary to get better and come back to me a much stronger and healed man. I obviously won't wait forever, but I will give him a little time.

[Linz]

So, I have a question for all of the divorced woman out there.

When I moved out I kept all of the pictures from our relationship as well as our wedding pictures and wedding memories. I have been dating someone for about 3 weeks now and I want to get rid of some of the stuff but I don't want to throw everything out because my ex-H and my wedding was a part of my life ya know and I don't want to just pretend it never happened. What did you guys do with all of your stuff? I am going to keep my dress for now but I have pics and thank you cards and things from my bridal shower and bachelorette party and my bouquet and so on and so on. Any suggestions?

[seastars]

...

[Rose]

We eloped so I really just have a dress and a photo album. My dog ate my bouquet pretty quickly after we married. They're in a closet for now. We don't have kids but were married for 6 years (two separated) and for now I will keep them because it was a part of my life. I never pull them out.

I recently got my rings back from my MIL. H had stolen them. I don't know when I will sell them but for some reason I'm not ready yet. I think I am waiting for a reason to spend the money.

Our 6th anniversary would be the 15th but I think I'll be fine. We've been legally separated for two years. It's somewhat hard because even though I have a RO against him he still contacts me from time to time. He is an alcoholic/addict and is still hoping to get back together.

I'm really proud of myself because I finally made an appointment with a lawyer. I filed last November for divorce and I guess I didn't do it right. I've put it off and I am ready to get it done. In CA there is a 6 months waiting period so I don't know if I'll have to re-file or just file something else but I[m ready for a new chapter, legally that is. I'm pretty much OK emotionally and where I am in my life.

[nic]

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[nic]

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[artist]

:::

[Linz]

Thanks for the suggestions. I have everything packed up in bins in a closet. I never look at the stuff it them but I would like to downsize them. My dress is at my parents house, I will have a hard time getting rid of that, it was the first dress I tried on and fit me perfectly, I love that dress! As for the poictures I will probably just scan them all and send the ones of my ex-IL's to my ex-h. Thanks for the suggestions everyone and I agree I have totally thought out eloping the next time around. I just don't have the energy to plan a big church wedding with a country club reception again.

[EllieInGa]

Girls, I have had THE WORST DAY EVER!!! It actually started last night when STBXH lied and hid something from me. It was a freaking MySpace page, but he totally lied and deleted the email as I was in the middle of reading it. I wouldn't have cared, but he lied and was deceptive. Then, I start thinking, I bet that's not all he hides.

SO...I found him on three different dating/sex websites. I actually feel like I've been punched in the stomach. One he signed up for 2 days after I filed for divorce. That's working hard to fix it, isn't it? I told him he might as well have slept with one of his 14 "buddies" on one of the sites because it's his intent to do that. I've been trying so hard to find some way to rationalize making this work so our family could be together, and he's been trolling on the Internet for girls to hook up with. I feel so stupid!!

[nic]

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