I'm being ridiculous -- please smack some sense into me -- IL's and the holidays [Archive]

kalogrias

11-07-2005, 10:52 AM

My DH is going home to spend Christmas with his parents. He'll be there for 6 days. I am not going with him for several reasons, the most important being the following:

1. I have no more vacation days
2. I am not Christian, and therefore Christmas is not the big a deal to me
3. His mother treats me like dirt because I am not Christian. DH agrees with me on this point, but says that there is likely nothing we can do to change that.
4. His mother makes a big deal over my not being Christian around the holidays even more so, and makes pointed remarks about how DH will never have holidays with me like the ones he has with her.

For some reason, I am feeling VERY resentful that he is going home this year. I've never felt resentful in the past, and I obviously don't begrudge him time with his parents. I haven't said anythign to him about this because I don't want him to feel bad about going home, but I need to get it out. This is why I am resentful (I think):

1. DH is in the Navy, and has been deployed consistently for the past six-ish months. He will be leaving again for a week in December, and then for another two months in February, and then again for five months in April. I will see him for a total of maybe 3 months in the next year. Plus, I have a few days off around the holidays (1, I think).

2. His family makes me feel unwelcome in their house, and I hate the fact that I feel like I can't go home with him (example: I am Jewish, don't eat pork, and his mother serves ham at least twice in every 5-day period I've ever spent with them. And offers no alternative).

3. He is going home largely because of guilt feelings, not because he loves spending time with his family so much.

4. We will be seeing his sister over Thanksgiving, so he will get to spend time with the member of his family that is most important to him.

5. The sum total of all this is that I am really pissed off that his family, who treat me badly, are getting to spend an entire week of the 3 months he has at home with him -- around a time when families are together and, even if its' not my holiday, a time when I don't particularly want to be left alone in CA while he's in NY.

I should also add that part of the reason he is going is because when we got married, his mother said, "Just you watch and wait -- she'll never let you come home for the holidays...she's that type of woman". Little did she know that had she been friendly to me, I would have not only made sure DH was home for every holiday -- I would have come, too!

So...I know I'm being slightly irrational. Please talk some sense into me so that I'm not passive agressive with him...

Marie

11-07-2005, 11:03 AM

I don't think you are being irrational. Your inlaws refuse to accept that you are not Christian and refuse to respect you yet your husband is going there for an entire week to visit them over the holidays - a time when you are not welcome and you can't go because of vacation - AND this is during the precious little at home time he has?

I'd be furious too. :(

KarenS

11-07-2005, 11:04 AM

5. The sum total of all this is that I am really pissed off that his family, who treat me badly, are getting to spend an entire week of the 3 months he has at home with him -- around a time when families are together and, even if its' not my holiday, a time when I don't particularly want to be left alone in CA while he's in NY.I *so* don't think you're being irrational or ridiculous. In fact I think you're being quite accomodating and I'd be really surprised if you didn't have hurt feelings over it! I don't know that I could be as big a person about it and let DH go for that long, given the circumstances.

I truly would expect my husband to draw a line and say "if you're not going to treat my wife well and accept her and serve food she can eat, then you're not going to see me". But that's me and my Evil Twin. :)

Seriously ... I think that your feelings are perfectly normal and I think that expressing calmly that last point (the one I quoted) to your DH and asking him to maybe shorten his trip and maybe even invite his sister (the favorite) to come visit with the two of you instead, would not be out of line.

So, no slapping from me. Just support.

Karen

GeekGirl

11-07-2005, 11:06 AM

Is there any way he can just go home for Christmas, and spend the rest of his time off with you?

And can he tell his mom where to shove her opinions??

villanelle75

11-07-2005, 11:31 AM

Knowing how greedy I get about Chris' time as deployment looms, I'm certain I'd be right there with you. I'd be upset he was going, rather than standing up to them and saying, "I'd love to spend Christmas with you but can only do so if you'll be pleasant to my wife which means no remarks about her relgion, making the small dietary accomidations she requires, and gerneally not be unpleasnt to her. If you can't do that, unfortunatley, I'll have to spend that time with my wife because I'll be leavign again soon, so I won't make it out for the hoilidays."

That being said, I think a decent compromise would be to have him spend less time there. He could change his plans to go for a few days around Christmas day, and then return to spend the rest of the time with you. Is that soemthing he might go for?

pocket

11-07-2005, 12:08 PM

You are NOT being ridiculous. The ham thing is completely outrageous and disrespectful. She serves you ham?! Grrr....

I think 6 days is a long time to be away from you when he is only home for 3 mos. Perhaps he could go for a shorter time period. I understand that this might not be the best timing for a confrontation about the ham, but it's not going to stop.

princesse

11-07-2005, 12:15 PM

Honey, she may call herself a Christian, she is NOT. At least she does not act like one. That is so uncool. The sense needing to be smacked is into her. I'm sorry you are in this position. Just here for support and a hug is all.

kalogrias

11-07-2005, 12:18 PM

Wow, thanks ladies for the support! It makes me feel much better to know that I am not being crazy about this, and that my feelings are somewhat normal.

About the timing of him going home -- he knows that I would rather he didn't go, but he also knows -- especially because of what his mother said to me last year before our wedding -- that I would never stop him from going home. He bought his tickets last night -- and because of cost he ended up going for 2 days longer than he otherwise would have. That's all his fault for waiting until now to get the tix, and when I mentioned that -- whoooo! The roof blew off the apartment because "I know I know I Know...you don't have to tell me"...well, that's what he said, in any case. So he can't change the timing now. And if I get upset at him, he'll say, "Well, I asked you about the dates; why didn't you say anything then?" Of course, what was I supposed to say? I did tell him that perhaps he shouldn't go home if it was going to be a lot of $$, and he chose to instead go home for longer.

It's such a sticky thing with his parents. I don't know how to handle it all that well, and it's getting quite hard to take. I can't help but imagine what it would be like to have IL's who were accomodating and polite.

Quite frankly, even though it's Christmas, I don't understand why he's even going home -- he said to me last night (direct quote): "Well, you know that my mother's just not that nice a person." Originally, he wasn't planning on it but then decided it was something he should do. Which is fine, but I wish it wasn't for quite so long. Plus, it's been made clear that I am 100% not welcome in their house...argh, I don't know...If he stayed home, we'd get a tree -- hell, I'd even go to midnight mass with him if he wanted to me to...

I just feel crappy about it. I guess the easiest way to deal would just be to talk to him about it -- which will make him upset -- and then to suck it up.

ETA: Pocket -- Yeah, I got very upset about that. DH tried to laugh it off, and I wouldn't let that drop. He saw it as his mother "not understanding". I saw it as pure and utter disrespect. He has now come around to my way of seeing that particular incident, and has talked to her about it.

PrincessE -- That's what I told DH the last time we discussed his mother's digust at my religion. I told him that real and true Christians who are strong in their own beliefs are supposed to accepting of others and their beliefs, and that therefore his mother must feel threatened by me. He didn't know what to say.

paiger

11-07-2005, 12:21 PM

I also agree that you are NOT being irrational! I think it is totally reasonable that he spend time with you during this time. Eventhough you are not Christian, you are still his family, so he doesn't have to spend the whole time w/ mother just b/c she is Christian. That isn't what the holidays are about at all, to me.

If your DH is at all like my DH, however you might have to approach things carefully about his family. Even when my DH's family is driving him up a freaking wall, the minute I get into the conversation, he gets a little upset that I'm talking about his family.

So, can you present the situation w/o making any reference to how his family makes you feel? I'm sure that you have already expressed a lot to him, but I think you should look like the ever positive wife so that when his mother retaliates to any change in plans, she looks bad. Then, you can come in here and just let go about what a witch she is being.

I hope that makes sense! I would just think that you'll come out smelling so sweet if you can make this about the two of you spending some quality time together instead of you vs his mom.

ETA ~ So, I see this is all a moot point. Therefore, I would just be the sweetest person ever up until then. That way when he does go home, he is just all about how wonderful you are to stick it in his mom's face.

villanelle75

11-07-2005, 12:25 PM

It's less than ideal but what if you spoke to MIL about it? I'd clear it with DH first but if he's unwilling or unable to have a conversation with her that changes any of this, perhaps you can call her on it? Coem right out and call her on every one of these things- the ham, the comments, etc. and inform her that it's putting her son in a very difficult place (she's probably likely to be more recpetive if this is about him as she onbviously dones't give a damn about you) and that for the sake of not putting him in the middle of this anymore, you'd like her promise to be respectful of all these specific issues going forward. If she says yes, then you are set, and if she says no, I think that might be what your DH needs to see how unfair and insulting this all is to you and he may decide that enough is enough.

KarenS

11-07-2005, 12:39 PM

If your DH is at all like my DH, however you might have to approach things carefully about his family. Even when my DH's family is driving him up a freaking wall, the minute I get into the conversation, he gets a little upset that I'm talking about his family.Yeah, my DH is the same way. I think part of it is that he *knows* that they're annoying and often irrational (esp his brother) but it's one thing for him to criticise them in his own mind - it's another to have to admit openly to me that he has a problem.

I think this is something that shoudl definitely be worked out for the future - his mom treating you with that kind of disrespect is *not* appropriate in any way, shape, or form. And him letting her is disrespectful of you. Now is not the time to address it, since it's a done deal and it'll only create anger. But I think that *after* it's all past, you and he ought to have a long discussion about his family and the rest of your life. I would even suggest that this is an area where meeting with a counselor to get over this hurdle might be good if it would keep your DH from getting overly defensive and angry about it.

DH and I made the msot progress in coming to a joint decision about how to handle his family when we discussed it with our therapist - and DH realized through her reactions that his family was doing things that were damaging to our relationship (even tho they weren't as blatantly disrespectful as what your MIL is doing).

Karen

Kristeen

11-07-2005, 12:39 PM

I just wrote a long post with suggestions of how to improve this, but I'm not sure that's what you're looking for. It irked me so much, though, that she is doing this to you. You are NOT irrational. From the description you have given of the situation, you have every right to be annoyed.

The thing is, this woman will be your MIL forever. Avoiding the situation now will work in the short term, but it seems to me this is the type of thing that could end up having a snowball effect. You are not in the wrong here, but it does kinda sound like it may be up to you to mitigate the damage (with DH's help of course-he needs to step up to the plate and stand up to his mother.)

Sorry, I just saw the other posts that added since i've been typing, I'd go back and add comments but DS is climbing all over me and crying so I have to go!

PG-rated

11-07-2005, 12:47 PM

I truly would expect my husband to draw a line and say "if you're not going to treat my wife well and accept her and serve food she can eat, then you're not going to see me". But that's me and my Evil Twin. :)
Hell, I would absolutely expect that, and that's the nice part of me talking. :) I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he's going home at least partly because he feels guilty about not being able to see his family while he's been deployed? If so, I think you need to try to be understanding about that. But I think you have every right to be angry about a) not being welcome in their home, and b) your DH's lack of planning that resulted in his being gone for 6 days. I know all about having a DH who gets unreasonably defensive when he does something dumb, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still talk to him about it. You were already in a rotten position, and his lack of planning made it worse. You have the right to be upset by that.

I would also like to point out how astoundingly manipulative it was of your MIL to say that you wouldn't let him come home for the holidays after you were married. It means that you can never ask him to stay home, even for a completely legitimate reason, without proving her right. For that reason, I think you two need to have a talk about the need for him to take the lead in getting her to treat you with respect. What she's learned so far is that if she just insults you enough, not only will you not come around, DH will stay longer than if you had been there. What possible incentive could she have to change her behavior? Obviously the desire to be a decent human being isn't cutting it for her. I really feel that if you ever want this to get better, DH is going to have to make it clear that her behavior has consequences.

Anyway, I'm really sorry this is happening, and I do hope it gets better eventually.

KarenS

11-07-2005, 12:51 PM

What she's learned so far is that if she just insults you enough, not only will you not come around, DH will stay longer than if you had been there. What possible incentive could she have to change her behavior? Obviously the desire to be a decent human being isn't cutting it for her. I really feel that if you ever want this to get better, DH is going to have to make it clear that her behavior has consequences.Amen to that. And not just that there are consequences, but that they are DH's consequences and not anything that she can foist of on "your wife is just being a bitch". He needs to make it clear that HE will not tolerate you being treated badly.

Karen

ejs

11-07-2005, 01:40 PM

Ugh, what a situation! I don't think you're being ridiculous at all.

I do think your husband needs to talk to his mother and let her know that her behavior isn't acceptable. He needs to show a little more respect for you. Is he not really understanding how painful this is for you?

You're going to hate this idea, but is it at all possible for you to go with him for a few days? I know your vacation time is tight and that it probably won't be a fun few days for you, but I think it might be a good move. You can spend some more time with your DH, you can show her that she's not going to intimidate you. If she does something stupid like serve ham, just say, "Oh I'm sorry, I can't eat ham due to my religious beliefs. I'll just make myself a peanut butter sandwich and join you at the table. The salad/vegetables/etc look delicious."

If she criticizes you because you don't celebrate Christmas, say something like, "I realize you don't understand because you're not Jewish. But I respect your beliefs and hope you can respect mine. I know a great book on Jewish holidays I can send you so you can learn more about them if you're interested."

The old "kill her with kindness" routine. She's going to be your MIL forever, and as much as she sucks, you two need to learn to live together.

Your MIL sounds like a really rude, mean woman. Sorry you're having to deal with her.

kalogrias

11-07-2005, 02:21 PM

Thanks again, ladies, for the continued support.

Rachel -- I've talked to MIL about this problem -- in fact, she and I had it out over email (I wanted it in writing) where she ended up apologizing to me...but it made no difference in her behaviour. She was just as difficult even after admitting that she was at fault (she told me that she was reacting to my having hurt her feelings by not instantly (as in within a week of getting engaged) asking SIL to be a BM), and she continued to be snotty to me the next few times I saw her.

Kristeen -- Yeah, I know I need to deal with it now before it gets even worse. I'm just not sure how to approach it best to take the next steps...I guess I basically feel as if I've run out of options.

Karen -- DH and I are in counseling, partially to deal specifically with his mother's treatment of me surrounding our wedding. DH isn't all that great with emotional expression, so I'm hoping that it helps him out...his family is very closed up, and he gets VERY defensive and weird about talking about their problems and issues.

Angela -- YES!!! You hit the nail on the head. MIL is manipulative, and there is now no way I can say no. And it sucks. Big time. I always end up looking like the horrible heathen daughter-in-law who is stealing her little boy away from his childhood traditions. That's why I was jazzed when DH wasn't going to go home for the holidays, but how can I prevent him from seeing his parents?

EJS -- I'm trying the "kill her with kindness" routine right now -- I've been nothing but very nice to her. When her mother died two months ago, not only did I send a card and an email immediately, but I also sent her flowers that same day. While I didn't expect any great expression of gratitude, a mention of her receiving the blooms would have been nice...she wrote DH an email (while he was on deployment) that said, "Thank you for the flowers that Kalogrias sent." Didn't send it to me. Sent it to him. And they were obviously from me, and he wasn't with me at the time, so the message didn't get through to me until he came home and I asked if she'd ever gotten them. Not to mention that when my grandmother died, I got a one-line email from her. I don't think it even said that she was sorry for my loss.
****

I tried to talk to DH about his mother last night -- tried to initiate a conversation so that we could resolve some of this. HIs response to me: "Well, she's not going to change, and the situation isn't going to change. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong, so unless I start a uneasy dialogue between the two of you where she will refute everythign you say, nothing is going to happen. And it probably won't happen even then." I'm going to tell him tonight when I get home that he needs to stand up for me again, and that this is ridiculous.

The other issue in all of this is that I'm not the only one she treats badly -- she treats her own daughter terribly. DH is very much the favored child, and SIL loses out all the time. When SIL became a grad student and moved into her own apartment, I thought for sure that MIL and FIL would send her stuff for living that she couldn't afford (dishes, cutlery, etc) since she makes $1000/month. Nope. They sent her NOTHING. So I dragged DH to IKEA, and we sent her everything. I was happy to do it, but shouldn't her parents take care of that sort of thing? Especially since they sent DH everything he could possibly need and use, and then some?

ejs

11-07-2005, 02:37 PM

Is your MIL one of those women who loves men? My grandmother is the same way. Her son, sons-in-law, grandsons, and grandsons-in-law can do no wrong. She's constantly having problems with the women in the family.

I feel bad saying this, but it sounds like your DH is contributing to the problem as much as your MIL is. When she sent him the email thanking him for the sympathy flowers, he should have replied to her and said, "Mom, you should send this note to Kalogrias because she arranged it all." He should be willing to have an uncomfortable conversation with her for your sake. She's his mother and she probably won't change, but he chose to marry you. He should love you, protect you, and want to make things better for you.

villanelle75

11-07-2005, 02:48 PM

I don't know how often you guys are going to couseling, but perhaps you could wait until then to have another conversation with him about it. Since you've hit a dead end previous about this same issue, having a thrid party mediate thins might help. Perhaps you and DH could agree that your next session will be entirely about this issue and will be spent trying to more clearly define expectations and needs of both of you. And that the goal of the session will be to come up wiht a compromise and a game plan that you both feel okay with and both commit to move forward with.

Of course this is a huge issue and I'm oversimplifying, but going in to therapy and discussing the issue in a smaller bit with a specific goal in mind for a moment, rather than focusing on the larger issue of the complcated and messy relationshops and the resulting hurt feelings, may be more useful for the time being. You're not trying to fix everything; you're just trying to come up with a game plan for future holidays and with rules of engagment that you both can agree to.

oshannon

11-07-2005, 03:43 PM

I second what the others have said...this is absolutely unacceptable! In refusing to initiate this "uneasy dialogue" with his mother, he's being just ad disrespectful to you as she is. What happens if/when there are children involved? Will she continue to denegrate you and your beliefs in front of them? Oh, no. Sorry to say, but your DH needs to stand up to mama here.

KarenS

11-07-2005, 04:03 PM

"... and the situation isn't going to change. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong, so unless I start a uneasy dialogue between the two of you ..." Wow. Well, he's partially right: The situation isn't going to change - until he demands that his family (and specifically his mother) respect his wife. This is not about him intiating "a dialogue" between you and his mom. This is about HIM *telling* his mom that HE will not tolerate his wife being treated with disrespect and then backing that up with action. His mom will not change unless she sees that her son objects to her actions. You can object until you're blue in the face, but she's not gonig to listen to you if her son doesn't back you up.

Ultimately this has less to do with you and more to do with him and his acknolwedgement that you deserve respect from his family. Right now he is being just as disrespectful of you as they are - MORE because you're his wife and you deserve for him to stand up for you and he's refusing to.

Have you tried expressing it to him in just those terms - extremely calmly? I don't know that it wouldn't make him more defensive ... but it's the kind of thing that would make my DH angry at first shot, but after I'd left him alone to think about it, he'd acknolwedge that it was true. It just takes him a bit of being alone and thinking to move past the defensiveness and anger and focus on the truth.

Karen

KarenS

11-07-2005, 04:16 PM

Just an additional note: DH and I are sitting on the sofa and I let him read the thread. FWIW, my DH comes from a very close knit family and was in the military for 8 years ... so he has a lot of the same background.

He said that your DH needs to be reminded that YOU are his family now and that you take priority. He also said that your DH should be reminded that he married YOU for a reason, most probably against his mom's - not necessarily wishes, but approval and comfort. So it's up to him to remember that and keep you at the front of his priority list.

He also said (and I quote) "If I were still on deployment there's no way in hell I'd be spending the holiday away from my wife!"

So if your DH wants to see a male POV, those are my husband's comments. :)

Karen

LLB0526

11-07-2005, 04:22 PM

ManteoChik

11-07-2005, 04:23 PM

I *so* don't think you're being irrational or ridiculous. In fact I think you're being quite accomodating and I'd be really surprised if you didn't have hurt feelings over it! I don't know that I could be as big a person about it and let DH go for that long, given the circumstances.

I truly would expect my husband to draw a line and say "if you're not going to treat my wife well and accept her and serve food she can eat, then you're not going to see me". But that's me and my Evil Twin. :)

Seriously ... I think that your feelings are perfectly normal and I think that expressing calmly that last point (the one I quoted) to your DH and asking him to maybe shorten his trip and maybe even invite his sister (the favorite) to come visit with the two of you instead, would not be out of line.

So, no slapping from me. Just support.

Karen

I so totally agree iwht everything that Karen posted. She could have taken the words right out of my mouth. While we aren't married, my BF and I have been together for 6 years and are both considered pretty much family on both sides. I would be totally offended if his family didn't accept me, even if I made him happy. I too would expect him to stand up for me and if he didn't I would seriously have to reconsider how important I was to him. Once you get married you become your own family, yes you still have the families that are blood, but that doesn't mean that you and your DH don't become your own family. You deserve the right to make your own holidays (of whatever you believe in) and I can totally understand you being angry that he is using what little time he has off to spend with his "other" family instead of you. If his family wanted to see him so bad they should make the trip to where you live and see him, instead of taking him away from his wife. It seems to me like they are being a little selfish and they need to realize that he is a big boy with a wife and life of his own.

villanelle75

11-07-2005, 04:27 PM

I really like LLB's idea. It doesn't fix the problem for this year but I suspect havign this whole thing resolved for future holidays would make you feel a lot better about this year's plans. Perhaps you two can agree, with the help of your counselor, that this year's trip can also be a chance for him to broach the subject with his min, this time with a more clear objective. Since you won't be there and she'll be dealing only with her favored son, the tension will already be running less high. I think it's very reasonable to expect him to tell her that he enjoys spending his holidays with that part of his family but that if she can't agree to treat you always with 100% respect, he won't be able to join them for next year's holiday because he won't leave his wife again, nor willhe subject her to disrepectful treatment. Period. I think it's a reasonable expectation for you to have of him. He can do it on his own trems but that substance of the conversation shoudl be just that and nothing less. Do you think he'd be willing to give that ultimatum?

Ali

11-07-2005, 05:03 PM

You know, it's OK for you to be a bitch. It's OK for you to "not let" your husband spend the holidays with his family. It's also OK for you and your husband to go together, but also leave the dinner table together, and eat somewhere else together (just the two of you), if she serves pork at meals just to spite you. YOU are his WIFE. YOU are his CHOSEN FAMILY. YOU have RIGHTS to him. More than they do anymore.

Your husbands mother reminds me of my SO mother (and whole family in general) and it took me a long time to realize that, until I stopped being the better person, things weren't going to change, (because everyone else was quite comfortable with their dysfunctional little situation). Actually, they haven't even really changed now, but his mother is somewhat afraid of me and what I might do if she ticks me off too much, so she backs down a bit when she is thinking. And SO is also afraid of what I might do or say, so he is a bit more repsectful of my feelings/wishes. (He used to tell me that "they didn't really mean it" and I just must have "misunderstood", and "please don't make a big deal out of it because they are my family". Well, after 10+ years I had to say TO HELL WITH THAT!!!!!)

nawsgirl

11-07-2005, 05:25 PM

I understand that he can't change the dates now, but I still think you should say something to him about the situation. And maybe you could suggest that he talk to this parents this year about what he'd like to see happen in the future. He needs to let them know that, in the future, you'd both like to come home for Christmas with them (regardless of whether you celebrate it, I think it would be nice if you could be with him on a holiday that has meaning for him), but if they can't respect you and treat you nicely (or at least in a civil manner!), that he may not be coming home for the holidays anymore. And he needs to make clear that this is HIS decision, and not something you asked him to do. If he can't do that for you, then I think you have a long road ahead of you. To me, this isn't a problem YOU can solve. She has to know that if she continues to treat you that way that she has, HIS choice is you.

I have read this a couple of times and wasn't sure what to say, but I really agree with the above. This could be a great opportunity for DH to "lay down the law", so to speak. Like another poster suggested, maybe a counseling session where you and DH decide what your position is, and have a counselor help him with how to approach MIL with the topic and what to say. I know it is really hard to get one's DH to take you seriously when you are (constructively) criticizing his family, but if MIL told DH that you are not welcome there, then that's taking things to a whole new level. He really needs to talk to them about this, and since I'm assuming that SIL won't be there, he will have them both all to himself. I don't think you need to be involved at all, in fact I don't think you should be- the second you enter into the dialogue is even more reason for MIL to think that you are "influencing" DH.

DH can't really think that her serving ham is a "cultural misunderstanding", does he???? :rolleyes:

ejs

11-07-2005, 05:27 PM

Here's a question: Does your DH really want things to change?

Star_Galaxy

11-07-2005, 06:48 PM

I'm so sorry that your going through this, I also have a MIL that likes to make our lives difficult and my DH is an only child and I think that makes it even worse :(

If at all possible, I think it would be a great idea if you could go along with him for the holidays. This would indicate to his mother that you are a couple and come as a 'package' and perhaps talk to your husband about how you will both react if a situation comes up where she is disrespectful. eg. serving you pork etc. If he speaks up in these situations, before you have too, it will show a more united front and also prove to her that her digging at you is not going to drive a wedge between your relationship.

At this point, she probably feels like she has 'won' because she gets him for the week, and he's coming alone so she has him to herself and your on the outer. If it were me, I wouldn't let her have that satisfaction and would tag along, whether she liked it or not.

Also, maybe you and DH can come to some agreement about spending one Christmas with his family, together and the following Christmas doing your own thing. Regardless of their religious beliefs, you both should have the right to decide how you spend your holidays.

Good luck :)
Megan

kalogrias

11-08-2005, 12:06 AM

Just a quick update (drive-by) -- DH and I talked tonight, and he said that he is telling his mother that this is the last year it will be this way (ie. at her place, without me). Then, on the way to the movies, his mother called and yelled at him (so loudly that I could hear her through his phone) because he's only spending 6 days with them -- and because he took leave for 8. And when he told her that he wanted some time to spend with me while he wasn't working -- and that it was cheaper -- she went nuts, really started yelling, and then hung up on him. She's crazy.

Does DH want things to change? yes. But I don't think it's for all the right reasons. NOt that the reasoning matters all that much, I suppose. In any case, he's going to have a chat with her when he's there with her...

Naws -- No, there's no "Cultural Misunderstanding" ;) Though there's enough of that going around to fill a pot...