My husband and I lost our first born, a son, at two days old in May of 2005. Having planned my wedding on a message board, I turned to those same ladies for support. It’s amazing that you can often find more online support than you can in real life. Online, people are exposed to other people’s lives and realize that there are just certain things that you don’t say or do to a parent who is grieving the loss of a child. For those friends that supported me through a very dark time, I’m eternally grateful.
If you’re wondering what you should say or do when someone you know suffers a loss like this, read on.
First and foremost, acknowledge the loss. A child is a most precious gift, to lose one is heartbreaking, no matter how long you are blessed to be with the child.
Allow the grieving parent to set the pace. If the parent wants to talk about it, let them, don’t change the subject because it’s uncomfortable to you.
Remember the parent. In a few weeks or a few months, most people have moved on and don’t mention the loss anymore. A card with a note letting the parent know that you’re still thinking (and praying if you do that) for them is an incredibly easy thing to send, and for the grieving parent it’s a huge deal. Yes, the parent may shed a tear or two when they get the card, but to know that someone remembers and cares is a wonderful feeling.
Don’t send flowers. Flowers die and are just a reminder of one more thing that has died. Plants are also touchy, if the parent is not a green thumb, or worse, the plant just dies for no apparent reason the parent once again feels like a failure for not even being able to keep a plant alive.
Do send food or gift cards. Food isn’t on the top of a grieving parent’s mind. Having to cook and then clean up, is often too much of a challenge. Something like a frozen casserole that only requires being popped into the oven is great. Gift cards are great too.
Don’t send a get well card. The parent isn’t sick, they’re grieving.
Don’t send email forwards about the joy of parenting.
Don’t send emails of pictures of babies. Send a link if you want, then the parent can decide if they want to look at baby pictures.
Don’t say any of the following:
a)it was God’s will – trust me, even if you’re talking to a believer they don’t want to hear it right now.
b)it’s probably for the best, the baby might have something wrong with it.
c)At least you know you can get pregnant.
d) you’re young, there’s plenty of time to have more.
I hope you never have to know someone who is dealing with the loss of a child, but should you know someone, I hope you remember some of these and can be a comfort to that person.
-Jennylou
Jennylou you are absolutely right, there are a lot of people online to help others. Like forums and blogs where people share their experience and help others when they need help.
Thank you for sharing these awesome tips…everyone must follow em …