Comments on: October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

By: babylove

babylove — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 12:09:15 +0000

Thank you for writing this, Jenny. Even though some of these do’s and don’ts might seem obvious, it’s amazing to realize how many people lose the ability to do the right thing in such a terrible situation.

By: gardenmommy

gardenmommy — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 22:49:03 +0000

Jenny thank you for your blog and the honesty you put forth. I am sincerely sorry for your loss and feel deeply for the moms on this board who have lost babies of their own. A friend of mine who recently lost a child made me aware of this month and it’s significance and I am so glad that there are mothers out there like you who can be kind and honest and teach us all compassion through grieving.

By: LyLMyssChaos

LyLMyssChaos — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 23:59:59 +0000

You put this so wonderfully. I know that losing a child is something that nobody wants to endure and it takes more strength than anyone can even imagine to face it when it does happen.

Everyone has to deal with things in their own way,both the immediate family of the child and their loved ones. Not knowing what to say/do and the chance that you may choose the wrong thing can put a TON of stress and divide people when they often need the most support!

By: amygrrl

amygrrl — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 22:50:21 +0000

thanks jenny! and thank you too for helping me through losing avery. there were many times when i thought you and the other women of our crappy club were the only ones who understood the depth of my loss.

other things to keep in mind…

- don’t assume that a subsequent child will ‘fix’ the loss or take the place of a lost child. just b/c i may be pregnant again or have another child doesn’t mean i don’t miss my daughter enormously.

- don’t tell me about every else you’ve know who’s had a loss and how they are dealing. i don’t care. i only have the energy to get through my loss and i need to do it my way. unless you’ve been there done that yourself, i don’t want to hear your advice.

- acknowledge my child after the loss… especially at times like mother’s and father’s day that are particularly hard.

- don’t say ‘when you are a mother you’ll understand’ or refer to my subsequent child as my first or your first grandchild, neice, nephew, etc. they aren’t.

- please be sensitive in subsequent pregnancies that i might not want to hear horror stories about your friend’s cousin’s ex-wife’s friend who had a bad out come. phrases like ‘dead baby’ stab me in the heart when i’m *not* pregnant and praying for a better outcome than last time… imagine what they do to me when i am.

- don’t tell people i had a miscarriage. i didn’t. and it trivializes what occured. i had a stillbirth. my child died. i was induced and went through 3 days of labor. i birthed my daughter and held her after her birth. i know what she looked like and who she looked like. i have her picture. her ashes are on a box on my mantle.

- give me and my spouse the privacy to grieve. tell us you are here if we need to talk, but don’t force it, don’t expect us to respond, and don’t get mad when we withdrawal from family and friends. this is the biggest shock and grief of our lives. we need to turn to each other to deal. and this is the one time when we have permission to think of only ourselves.

By: cr8zyforaf

cr8zyforaf — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 22:24:49 +0000

Thank you so much for writing this.

By: sand

sand — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 20:17:32 +0000

Thank you for writing this Jenny.

By: jenahdawn

jenahdawn — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 17:55:41 +0000

VERY well said!

Another, do NOT say, “Aren’t you over it yet?” because if you say it enough, you will notice you won’t see that friend anymore…

And don’t pretend you know what it’s like when you’ve never been through it. It’s PERFECTLY okay to say, “I’m sorry” “There’s nothing I can say” “We’re thinking of you”

(NOT: “I know what it’s like, I lost my cat…”)

By: ruby

ruby — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:46:11 +0000

Jennylou,
Beautifully written. So sorry for your loss. My brother lost a gorgeous daughter at 26 days old and the grief is unbelievable and unbearable. God Bless you and your family.

By: ldsangel19

ldsangel19 — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 15:46:01 +0000

Thanks for writing this, well said.

By: Junkinmytrunk

Junkinmytrunk — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 15:25:56 +0000

Great blog Jenny. Whenever I think of the three losses I had before DS, I look with wonderment at him and thank my lucky stars for him. And I also grieve and miss those other little ones that might have been. More than likely, P will be my only child and I know he is the most precious gift I’ll ever receive.