Culinarily Clueless

My husband loves to tell the story of when he first came over to my apartment. He walked in, looked into the kitchen, and was shocked to see that I was using my stove burners as picture frame platforms! When he asked me why I had picture frames on each burner, I responded that since I never turned on the stove, I thought I would use it for my decorative purposes! He says he still laughs about that first sight of my kitchen.

Then there was the time when I came home and my stove was flashing “PF.” My culinary clueless self freaked out (I mean it could mean “Possible Fire!”) and called my husband (then my boyfriend) in a panic. My poor guy drove 30+ minutes from his far-away apartment, only to come in, assess the situation, and push one button. You see, PF stood for Power Failure and all I needed was a clock-reset. Sigh.

When we were an engaged couple, registering for our fine china, the woman at the store asked me if I wanted the ‘serving pieces’ included on the registry. I paused for a minute, completely befuddled, and then, much to my husband’s dismay, I asked the woman “Do you mean like the big scooper?” Double sigh.

I am in the ranks of the culinary clueless. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that there is so much that I don’t know, that any cooking adventure usually ends in disaster. There was the time that I attempted to make Smores. I mean they’re graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows melted together - how hard could that be? Despite my husband’s skepticism, I bought all of the ingredients. I then told him to go into the computer room until I was done with my creations. I had the ingredients assembled and stood there awhile, wondering how best to melt these elements together.

Not forgetting the horrible time I tried to melt chocolate on ‘high’ in a skillet, I decided that the stove was not going to be of any help. Then, I spied the microwave! Perfect! I assembled one un-melted Smore and put it in a large plastic cup. I then put the cup into the microwave for 30 seconds. I am sure all of you cooks can guess what happened next. When I presented my “Smore” to my husband, it was a mess of graham crackers, chocolate and a marshmallow that had exploded in the microwave and had stuck to all sides of the aforementioned cup. It looked like something out of Alien 2. I assure you that that was the last time I was ever afforded the courtesy of being ‘left alone’ in the kitchen. Ha ha.

Not only am I clueless about the things *in* the kitchen, I’m also not knowledgeable about the ingredients one needs to put something together. About a year ago, I wanted to make little cakes for a preschool class I was teaching. (Ok, I knew my husband would have to make them, but I wanted to buy the ingredients at least. Ha ha). I picked up a box of chocolate cake mix and started wandering the aisles of the supermarket. The back of the box called for the use of ‘oil.’ I went to the ‘oil’ aisle, but it turns out there are a lot of oils one can use when cooking. I called him and he implored me to bring home the Vegetable Oil, not the Olive variety.

With the ingredients collected, all I needed was the frosting. Because we were on the letter “G” in preschool, I wanted the frosting to be green. You have no idea how long I stood in that frosting aisle, peering up and down the cans of frosting, looking desperately for green! Finally, I put my pride in my pocket and called the man again. “I can’t find the green frosting,” I said exasperated. This is when he pointed out to me that I would never find the green frosting. The solution to my problem lay in the ‘food coloring’ section, under ‘green.’ Sigh.

I get lots of advice on how to handle my culinary cluelessness. “Go to places like Dinner Done,” people tell me, “they’ll give you the ingredients to a meal and tell you how to prepare it.” Sounds easy, unless you have never operated your stove. Just getting the dinner prepared would be a monumental achievement for me. “Take a cooking class,” people also often say, but my lovely husband (who thank goodness is an excellent cook) has stated that even if I take some lessons, he’s still not 100 percent sure he’s brave enough to eat what I might eventually prepare! (who could blame him after the Smores incident –heh heh)

So, the next time all of you ‘Marthas’ whip up some homemade apple pie, a tasty lasagna, or a made from scratch Fettuccine Alfredo, be extra proud as you remember those of us who are culinary clueless. Or better yet, invite one of us over for dinner. I assure you, we can certainly help with the dishes!

Nylons73