(This entry contains stick figure shenanigans and a passing reference to male anatomy- so if you are at work, consider yourself warned!)
On my round of errands this morning, I stopped at the gas station. As I got out of my car, I noticed the SUV parked at the pump ahead of me had what appeared to be a disabled person placard. But it was a sticker, and it looked…off somehow. So I looked a little closer. And this is what I saw:
My first response was confusion. What is the purpose behind a sticker depicting stick figure congress? Is the driver bragging about his prowess? I looked at the license plate, but it was a regular license plate. So as I’m standing there mulling this over, the driver pops out of the driver’s side and lo and behold, it’s a dirty old man. Slicked back hair and Hawaiian shirt, check. He notices me eyeing the bumper sticker and gives me a wink.
Now I’m confused, and grossed out to boot. All the older men in my life have been, well, dignified, if nothing else. They never leered at women old enough to be their grandchildren (at least not in our presence.) I’m not sure what he expected me to say. “Congratulations on maintaining an erection past 60, sir! Care to take me for a spin on the chair? Is it automatic or stick transmission?” *winkwink* I left before I could find out.
I blame it all on the little blue pill. You know the one. I know more about the topic of dirty old men than I ever really wanted to, actually. The year after I graduated college, while I pondered what to do with my life, I worked for a urologist who specialized in male ED (look it up) and was doing the last set of clinical trials for a new wonder drug, sildenafil- otherwise known as Viagra. My job, lucky me, was to screen potential candidates with a series of questions about their sex lives and physical limitations. I spent an entire year asking old men about their bits n pieces, and they were all too happy to share it all. It shattered my illusions about older men being either mellow or dignified on the topic of sex. They are just as bad as your average frat boy, just in a wrinklier package. Take away the medical issues holding them back, and woo boy, get out of the way. Even the doctors were surprised at the level of enthusiasm with which this drug was received.
Men were lining up down the street to get their hands on this pill. The wives, well, not so much. I think a lot of women were a little annoyed, to be honest. Here they were, content in their well matured marriage, and boom! “I have to do WHAT?” This is the drug that got Hugh Hefner to come out of retirement and bail on his monogamous marriage. It got Bob Dole to talk about his “other kind of salute” on national TV. In short, it encouraged an entire generation of aging baby boomers to put away the fishing rods and golf clubs that were apparently mere placeholders and reinvent themselves as dirty old men. The incidence of STDs in retirement communities has been steadily on the rise ever since- it’s true.
I kind of liked the old days better, when old guys had “I’d rather be fishing” bumper stickers and sat on the porch sipping lemonade. Now we all know what they would rather be doing. You can’t watch a sports game now without some ham fisted ad showing a suave silver fox with a soccer ball “scoring a goal”. Gold diggers, be warned! The job’s not so easy anymore! And if you see an old guy with a randy bumper sticker, drive far and fast, I think he’s on the prowl.
-jesvet
This is so funny! Disturbing, but funny.