I chose to formula feed because I wanted to. I know, how could I make such a decision, right? I’ve seen the debates, heard the judgments being passed, and know that me and moms like me are looked down upon. But I shrug it all off and, up until now, I just do not bother getting into the discussion. I do not feel I should have justify my choice…my family and I are perfectly fine with it. But since I had been asked to do this blog, after some coaxing I thought it might be nice to show people I’m not an ogre.
Before the lectures on the benefits of breastfeeding begin, know that I did my research. It was the result of many months of reading, talking to breastfeeding moms, family experiences, and deep thinking. It is a very personal decision and I do not believe either way is right or wrong. They are just different. Each side has its benefits and each side has it downfalls. In our case, I felt that formula feeding has more benefits and is a perfect fit for us.
Let me begin by telling you that I had absolutely no idea the subject of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding was such a hot debate until I became pregnant. To me, it was a choice…one where the parents chose what they were more comfortable with. My entire family was formula fed. My grandmothers did so with all their children, as did all their children with theirs. I never knew anything different. We were all healthy, not one of us with major health problems. Not one of us was an obese child. I myself never saw our doctor unless it was for a yearly physical. Why would I feel that formula feeding was in any way “bad?”
My husband’s family is the complete opposite and they were all breastfed. In reading the baby books and talking with my husband’s mother, they had about the same health history as my family. To me, there was simply no difference. All the studies in the world could tell me that breastfeeding produces much healthier kids, but I literally saw no difference. Later, when my friends and coworkers started to have children, I learned from their experiences. Again, I saw no difference. Their babies all had colds, ear infections, etc. whether breastfed or not. In fact, my best friend’s breastfed son had RSV twice! I just did not see the huge difference that everyone was trying to portray.
I read tons of articles, read the books my mother-in-law gave me, and conducted what I like to call the “Breastfeeding Interviews.” The articles provided all the scientific benefits. I agreed with the benefits regarding antibodies that cannot be found in formula…but the benefits such as better bonding seemed so ridiculous. In fact, they infuriated me. It seemed like they were using scare tactics to make women breastfeed. Why would a formula feeding mom bond any less with her child than a breastfeeding mom?
Then there was the argument regarding breastfed children having slightly, and I stress slightly, higher IQ’s. To me, these reasons to breastfeed were just ways for the writers to scare women into doing so. Then I moved to the books. There was a book for everything from how to get your baby to latch to how to get him/her to wean. It all seemed so incredibly complicated. Shouldn’t something like feeding your baby be simple? After all, it’s a basic human need.
After only getting more confused and frustrated from all the reading, I decided to conduct the above mentioned interviews. I talked with real moms who had been through breastfeeding. These were friends, relatives, and coworkers. After talking to quite a few, I discovered that their accounts always followed the same pattern…”It was wonderful, but” or “It was the most rewarding experience, but”. The buts ranged from the baby not latching, to an expert being called in, to not producing enough and having to supplement. It all sounded so stressful and not the wonderful experience I was hoping to have with my new infant. Many of these women called in lactation consultants. Granted, it’s wonderful these people exist, but how crazy it seemed to have to call in an expert just to feed my baby! Plus, many of these moms ended up using formula in some way or another anyway.
The more I learned, the more I knew it was not for me. I manage to stress myself out easily and blame myself when things go wrong. If breastfeeding did not work out perfectly right away, I would be an emotional wreck, which would not be healthy for my baby and certainly would not help the process. I wanted to fully enjoy him and not remember his first weeks as being stressful, painful, frustrating, you name it. And I definitely did not want to fail and feel guilty for not being a good mom…as many of those moms felt who had to supplement or who could not breastfeed at all. How wrong is it to feel guilty when you simply have to feed your baby a different way? It’s not like they were hurting their children, they just could not feed them from their own bodies.
I recently heard a news report that New York wants to ban the handing out of bottles and formula in hospitals to new moms. Has our world gone insane? They even compare formula feeding to smoking! How hurtful this is to those of us that do not breastfeed, and how ridiculous. Yes, breastfeeding has antibodies that are not present in formula…but it is not harmful in any way to babies. I would never knowingly do anything to harm my son. Not only does something like what New York proposes hurt moms like me, but it also will have a huge effect on those women who need to supplement to help their babies. If formula is so harmful, then why is it prescribed to help children who cannot thrive off of breast milk alone?
Why does our society make people feel like this? It isn’t right or fair. I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t want to feel like I had failed my child if I couldn’t feed him the way society said I was supposed to. I knew that I could not handle potentially failing. Plus, I would not have been comfortable in the least with feeding in public. Being in a bathing suit is hard enough for me, much less having to pull my chest out in front of people. It simply was not for me.
The driving force behind my choice though was my husband. Keep in mind, he was very much in support of me breastfeeding. He was not keen on the formula feeding idea at first. But he supported me and was behind whatever choice I made…and is now thankful for that choice. Through all my reading and interviewing, I found myself wondering what his role would be in our child’s early life. As learned through the books and in speaking with moms, in order to establish good breastfeeding, it needs to be done exclusively for quite a while…no bottles.
So what is left for Dad? This truly bothered me. All throughout my pregnancy he was an outsider looking in. Sure, he could feel the kicks and hear the heartbeat at appointments, but it did not match what I was feeling. Then, I would get to experience the amazing and liberating feeling of giving birth while he would only get to count to ten during each push. When would he get the chance to experience the rewarding feeling of creating and nurturing a life? How would he partake in this life-changing event?
In quite a few of those articles and books, this issue was addressed. The solutions ranged from lying skin to skin to bonding during diaper changes. Okay, I understood the skin to skin suggestion, but diaper changes? I have yet to hear of many men racing for the chance to clean a dirty butt, no matter how cute that little butt is. Fast forwarding to after my son’s birth, I highly doubt my husband would describe the time where he was projectile pooped on as a momentous bonding occasion.
In any case, I wasn’t buying that. Basically, the message seemed to be that father’s role was to watch and be supportive. He would get to cuddle and hold the baby and of course change those oh-so-fun diapers, but that’s it. Where was his chance to get the rewarding feeling of doing something for his child? I wanted him to experience something with me, to feel the same fulfilling feeling I felt while carrying our son and then giving birth to him. Most importantly, I wanted him to feel needed and that he was making an impact in our son’s life.
Feeding your baby creates a bond unlike any other. I wanted, and needed, for him to have that with our son. He deserved to share in the whole beautiful experience just as much as I did. He helped to create this baby so why shouldn’t he too have just as important of a role? I will never forget that first day in the hospital. As I was getting ready to feed our son for the second time, my husband stepped in and very sweetly asked, “Can I?” The best part was that I was able to say yes. As I watched him feeding our son and gazing down into those perfect blue eyes, I know that we made the right decision.
In no way am I discouraging breastfeeding and I would never dream of marching up to a breastfeeding mom to tell her that she should formula feed instead. Either way is perfectly fine, they are just different. How a woman feeds her child is her choice, and her choice alone. We all have our beliefs and opinions, but we need to respect everyone else’s choices and viewpoints also. I’m happy to report that my son is a healthy, active, intelligent toddler. I do not regret my choice, nor will I ever…unless he is someday told he cannot run for president because he was not breastfed. I suppose I may feel a bit guilty then.
jessanddan
Thank you for writing about a topic that is so hotly debated. You did a wonderful job of expressing so many of my own thoughts. When I went from breastfeeding to formula feeding within two weeks I felt like a failure. However, I am happy to report that all three of my children are happy, healthy and intelligent:-)