Adventures in (Step) Motherhood

I have done a lot of things in my life. I have worked for an NFL team, I have spent time in the offices of two US Representatives and one US Senator, and I have been a guidance counselor in a large public high school, with a caseload of more than 600 students. However, one of the most challenging things that I have ever done is to undertake the role of step-mom.

When we met, my DH had a daughter (I’ll call her Susan) from his first marriage. I honestly didn’t know how it was all going to work, but, when I first met Susan (four years ago,) I found her to be an intelligent, loving nine year old, who accepted me in her life without qualms. After DH and I were married, I was introduced by Susan as ‘my step-mom,’ which delighted me.

Then, after a year, came step-child number two. No, my husband did not have any more offspring. As it turns out, Susan has a brother. After my DH and his first wife were divorced, his ex got remarried and had a little boy (I’ll call him Thomas.) Shortly thereafter, the father of this little boy left my husband’s ex and, also abandoned his relationship with Thomas. One day, a couple of years ago, when she was at our home for a visit, Susan asked us if we could pick up her little brother the next time we picked her up. When we asked her why, she informed us that her then 5 year old brother had not seen his father for over 3 years! I turned to my DH and we both, in that moment, knew what we would do. The next time we picked up Susan, we also picked up Thomas. We now had a step-son.

I set out to parent my new children in the best way I could. I was sure that with my extensive background as a teacher and guidance counselor, I would do ‘just’ the right things, and we would quickly be off to a Brady-like existence. Ha! What I forgot from the outset is that I had never been a parent! What I also forgot is that these children are not only influenced by DH and me. They are someone else’s kids as well.

Most of the time, Susan and Thomas live with their mother and grandmother. Mom and grandma have a very different outlook on things like bed-times, movie level appropriateness, and the proper place(s) to put one’s dirty clothes, (to name a few.) There are, I have found, a long list of ‘norms’ that most parents probably decide upon one time, and then proceed to reinforce day after day until these norms become well-worn habits. When you are a step-mom, however, daily reinforcement does not exist (at least it doesn’t for me.) Therefore, I am in the constant role of teacher and motivator each and every time I see the children. Statements like “please don’t leave your wet towels on the bathroom floor” need to be said every time the kids stay over. Bed-times and night time routines need to be altered, sometimes drastically, when the ‘norm’ at home is endless staying up and televisions in the bedrooms. Taking care of clothing is a foreign concept to the children at their primary residence. However, when they come to us, we expect them not to bury good clothes (or any clothes for that matter) under the aforementioned wet towels in the bathroom. This request to “pick up and put away” is something that the kids must seemingly re-learn each and every time they come to stay.
The topic of money is always a constant battle with the kids. Because we are in a better financial situation than their mother, the kids have come to see DH and I as “those who will provide us with anything our heart desires.” It’s true that we often take them out to eat or to the mall for a little ‘fun’ shopping. We also belong to a country club and they have attended several events with us there. However, we cannot honor each and every request they pose, much to their dismay. Thomas actually said to us recently “My mom said to ask you guys (for some Heely shoes) because you guys are billionaires!” (Yikes!)

Please don’t get me wrong, being a step-mom is often full of joy. When Susan puts her arms around me and gives me a hug for attending her school play, viola concert or soccer game, it’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. When little Thomas announces that the chocolate ice cream we provided for dessert is the: “best chocolate ice cream I have ever eaten in the known world!,” DH and I can’t help but crack up. There are a multitude of precious moments that we have had with the kids that neither DH nor I would ever trade away.

That being said, the role of the ‘other mom’ is not an easy task. There are hundreds of little things that I would do differently with the kids, if they were all mine to do. However, no one person is going to raise these children. For better or for worse, this is a joint operation. So the next time the kids are here, and I see a pile of wet, discarded towels on the bathroom floor, (or on the couches, or on the dogs,) I will once again, issue my reminder. And I will strive to remember that we are all attempting to parent these children with the same goals in mind. In the words of High School Musical, one of Susan’s favorite movies, “We’re all in this together, and it shows, when we stand, hand in hand, make our dreams come true.”

-nylons73