Are you on Facebook? If you aren’t, your friends who are will look at you in shock and horror, trying to determine if you have a physical disability preventing you from joining, such as a lack of appendages affording you the ability to mouse and type, or perhaps a life-threatening allergic reaction to the internet . You’re NOT on Facebook? Why not? And if you are, well, it was nice having a real life outside of the house before you joined, wasn’t it?
I joined Facebook a few months ago, at the request of a friend who I thought had my best interests at heart, but I now suspect only asked me in an effort to add another friend to her friend list so that when other Facebookers checked her profile they would be impressed by how popular she was, according to the number of friends she had, and would thus also want to friend her. Whatever her motives were, I fell for it, and I am now a proud member and over-user of The Greatest Timesuck of the 21st Century. Not since falling prey to Guitar Hero II has this techno-mommy been so shamefully drawn in by an electronic pastime.
For those who really don’t know what I’m talking about when I talk about Facebook, here it is, according to the website itself: it is “a social utility that connects you with the people around you”. According to me, it is a time-wasting website that allows you to stalk your former high school classmates while using a magnifying glass to peer at their userpics.
So, if you’re not on Super Time-Waster 2007 yet, what do you need to consider before joining?
One – do you have oodles of extra time, and are you willing to give up other life pursuits, such as working, eating and going to the bathroom, all in favor of stalking your ex-boyfriend from the eighth grade? Be forewarned that you can waste hours playing six degrees of separation with old acquaintances’ profiles – you see Bill from science class on Susan’s friend list and look at HIS friend list and see Sharon from drama and the next thing you know two hours have passed and you’ve looked through 100 different profiles, following a random path through a series of Facebooker’s friend lists. You will be fascinated by who are still friends with whom, who married who, who are surprisingly now friends but hated each other way back when…
Two – can you handle rejection? You see that Cheryl from college has joined – do you send her a friend request? What if she says no? Can your very real ego handle that kind of virtual rejection? Or worse yet, you see an old friend in the same network, and it would appear that they have an enormous friend list, so why haven’t they asked to friend YOU yet? Do you virtually smell? Suddenly those old feelings of rejection are back, and all you need is an acne outbreak and some sky-high bangs to complete the journey back to high school.
Three – are you prepared for awkward situations? You get a friend request from someone you don’t remember liking all that much – do you say no, and look like a potential dickhead, or do you say yes? Sure, you can put them on limited profile to keep them out of some of your stuff, but risk offending them if they figure it out.
A few weeks ago I had to consider giving it up altogether when I discovered that my DAD had joined Facebook and was quickly amassing a hefty friend list of his own. I don’t know about the rest of you, but my virtual activities, while boring at best, are not something I feel the need to share with the parental units. I was given a blessed reprieve when my dad said, “Don’t worry – I’m not going to ask to friend you – you need your privacy”. Great big internet sighs of relief. It’s hard enough wrestling with the pros and cons of adding an old classmate to your list, knowing you’re granting them velvet-rope access to the inner sanctum of your profile, but knowing that your dad might read the messages left on your wall – “Hey ‘zilla – remember that time we drove your dad’s car up to the lake and did keg stands with those college boys?” – that’s something I’d prefer not to be forced to discuss over the next family dinner.
Four – are you shock proof? Can you handle the knowledge that prim and proper Gloria from high school - president of the chess club, and consummate goody two-shoes - is now working in the adult film industry? Or that the high school quarterback you dated for six months who dumped you right before prom is now living with his life-partner Herman and teaches ballroom dance?
Five – have you got mad Photoshop skillz? You can put a positive spin on all of the glorious mistakes you made in the years between high school and now, but make sure you put up the sexiest userpic you can find so Susan thinks you turned into a virtual rock star after graduation, even if you did get divorced twice, lost your job, and gained fifty pounds. (She never has to know the truth, unless you’re dumb enough to RSVP “yes” to the inevitable Facebook-spawned High School Reunion that will be organized by eager beaver alums who see the opportunity to get everyone together from your graduating class network.)
I just don’t get Facebook. Does it actually have any sort of functionality? Can you blog on it? Or is it just a place to post your picture and look at pictures of other people?