The Bachelor- Almost to the Hometown Dates!

Here we are, at that point in the Bachelor franchise where we reach the first of many crescendos of drama. Who will get a hometown date? Who will get the chance to humiliate not only themselves but their extended family on national TV? Will this show even be interesting without Stephanie South Carolina tarting it up in her cut to the navel dresses?

Our resident “golly gee” Officer and a Gentleman Andy is getting ready to take the women on a big yacht. He picks stuff out of his very white teeth. He’s kind of a goober, isn’t he? A goober with a six pack? But to be honest, after Aaron and Alex and oh-my-god-who-knew Bob was such a manwhore, it’s kind of refreshing.

Bevin of the Sharp Chin immediately grabs Andy to go kayaking, and Stephanie of the Spiral Perm and Danielle of the Little Airtime so Must be Soon to Go enjoy the time alone to sit and whine. Danielle has a rare moment of lucidity where she actually questions what the heck she is doing there and how bizarre the whole situation is, but fortunately it is short lived.

The one on one date box arrives, for Stephanie Spirals! And just so she could eliminate my one witty name for her, she flat irons her hair. Dammit. It looks good that way, though. They go to a wine tasting/ blending class/ art event. I love drinking wine out of a graduated beaker. Classy. Andy says “It tastes beautiful, just like you.” All we need is The Todd from Scrubs giving him a “hoo yah” and my life would be complete. Then, inexplicably, they start finger painting. On canvas, and then on each other. Apparently it’s not edible paint? I dunno. Andy trots out the tired Bachelor cliche that “She hasn’t opened up” which is Bachelor-speak for “You haven’t made an ass of yourself on TV” and/or “I don’t know if you are going to put out on the weekend getaways.”

Back at the house, Bevin spills the “Big Secret” that she is a divorcee, like it’s 1950’s Dixie and she is going to be ostracized like the Scarlet D that she is. The Crimson Chin, if I may quote Fairly OddParents. The Crimson Chin starts freaking out on Amber that Amber is too young to be in the same competition as herself, then reveals the truth that she feels stupid for being so much older and chasing Andy. Strangely enough, Amber and Chin are only FIVE years apart and really don’t act much differently. Bevin is acting as though she’s Sharon Stone, some overbotoxed she-wolf over a half century old trying to get herself her own version of Demi/Ashton. Bevin is weird. And only, um 28.

Next group date: Amber, Bevin, Tina and Danielle. They are building a kindergarten playground in Hollywood. Very altruistic, but damn, I’d really prefer the date with all the wine or the jewelry since I prefer the “things you can never do again” unrealistic sort of crap the Bachelor usually does. It does endear me to Andy, though, considering how I just couldn’t imagine Aaron or Alex or Andrew F. embracing this particular adventure. Crimson Chin, who just two shows ago was wailing about a shattered ankle or a possible leg amputation or something, is running around like a cheerleader.

No Air Time Danielle paints with Andrew and stares straight ahead. I don’t think she made any eye contact with him. Tina is the most real person on the show and has no interest in playing games, which I’m sure means she will be gone soon too. And I mean that in a complimentary way. It doesn’t seem like the brightest bulbs in the box are usually the ultimate winners on this show, if you look at the past. I’m just sayin’. *cough Amanda* *coughcough Jessica* Andy evaluates the women with the children with the trained eye of a horse buyer at the fair checking out the prize winningest brood mares.

Tessa (who bears the most uncanny resemblance to Meri-dee from the Bachelorette 2, doesn’t she?) gets the infamous “dress up date”. Andy pulls out a huge pile of ice and puts it on Tessa right in front of the other girls who are still covered in paint and band-aids. They are pissed. Crimson Chin, the “mature one”, freaks out. I would not leave alone with the Kool Aid if I were the other girls. Tessa goes on the date and Andy kisses her, like, with tongue and all.

And roses go to: Bevin, Amber, Tessa, and Danielle. So surprising! But not really. So I will make my predictions right now- Danielle gets the ax next week, then Amber. He picks Tessa, the one he has to chase, over Chin, the one who is “SO into him” to use his own words, but not after agonizing about how much he is going to hurt her. I could write this show.

- Jesvet