Tonight we open with a grand view of the Hollywood Hills mansion the ladies are inhabiting this season. You have to wonder if there is enough room for all fifteen of them AND their boobs. But I digress…
Our lovely host Chris sits the ladies down for a little talk. We find out there will be two group dates (with no rose, but some special time for one lucky lady) and one, one-on-one date. Stephanie T from South Carolina (and her boobs, from Dr. 90210) is chosen for the first one on one date since she and the girls made such a lasting first impression on Lt. Baldwin. The first group date is composed of Bevin, Tiffany W, Alexis, Nicole, Amanda, Tessa and Stephanie W. They are headed for the Sunset Strip in their own private party bus.
The first thing we see on this date is the popping of corks. That’s right Andy, get em drinkin’ early. The booze is flowin’ and the ladies are loving the leers and drooling our Officer (but hardly a gentleman) is giving them. First stop, the Rodeo Bar (the Saddle Ranch). It’s time to mount the bull and show your appreciation. The ladies each take turns riding the mechanical bull. I give MEGA kudos for Tessa’s little “Oh no, I’m hurt. Is there a Dr. in the house” scene. One by one they all fall off…until Stephanie W. hops on that thing. That girl held on the entire time. I would KILL for thighs like that. Needless to say, she proved to Andy that he can take her for a ride, anytime.
After the rodeo, they are swept away for a night on the rooftop. But first, in true Pretty Woman style, Andy takes the ladies to a room filled with elegant evening gowns. Of course, there are no mirrors, so the ladies have to rely on each other. Obviously, someone lied to Bevin. The short, tight and red little number she came out in was completely unflattering and quickly forgettable…as we see when Andy realizes he’s had alone time with everyone but Bevin. So he hauls her off to the pool leaving the other boobs, I mean ladies, in the hot tub. They spend some quality time underwater leaving us wondering how much he really got to know about her. In the end, he chooses to spend his “special” time with Tiffany W. Which turns out to be not so special. Andy did all the talking and her answers were “yeah”, “mmm hmm” and “I dunno”. Way to go honey.
Group date number two takes us to another booze fest with Amber, Danielle I., Erin, Kate, Susan and Tina. Of course the first thing to be offered are mimosas and lets get the ladies fat while we’re at it and show them the lovely spread. During brunch, Tina pulls Andy aside by telling him she wants to see the pier. Funny, that little table they sat at for, oh, an hour didn’t look like the pier. Andy is impressed with Tina and how smart she is. They seem to have a lot in common, except she hates herself. And Andy, well, he can’t get enough of himself…Suddenly, the twins (Susan and Erin) are on our screen practicing their lines to break up Tina and Andy’s time together. Of course, Lt. Baldwin can’t resist the blond bombshells, and sits between them in a little Andy sandwich. The conversation is filled with a lot of “like”s and hair flips. In the end, Andy asks them how athletic they are, since it will be needed for today’s date. Erin has a few words about the gym. However, it’s Susan who thinks she’s got it going on. “I run with my dogs like 3 times a week. Well, I jog a little…I speed walk…who am I kidding, I have servants who carry me on their shoulders”.
When Andy joins the rest of the group, he informs them they will be competing in a little triathlon. That’s right Andy, booze em up and feed em, and then make them run a triathlon. They have to swim five laps in the pool, two miles on the spinner bike and then run five laps around the pool. Again, the twins keep each other company and hold hands as they walk back and forth across the pool so as not to get their hair wet. Kate kicks them all in the swimming, but it’s Danielle I. Who hops off her bike first and takes to the track. Amber finishes hertwo miles and hits the track sprinting. She quickly catches up with Danielle and shamelessly kicks her ass. I like this girl already.
Needless to say, Amber gets the “special time” with our officer. As if it wasn’t enough to make the girl race for his affection, Andy has her doing chin-ups and swinging on rings during their alone time. Way to wear her the hell out Andy. How do you expect the girl to put out??
In the meantime, we get to watch Stephanie T. prepare for her one on one date with Andy, which will be a night stargazing on his personal yacht. She puts on a little fashion show for the ladies at the house. And I have to give it to the girl, she looks damn good in a napkin…yeah, the majority of the dresses she had barely covered her $3000 nipples…but they were damn cute. In the end, she decides against the napkin and goes with the dishtowel…a little more coverage. She meets him on his yacht and the evening begins.
Sadly, they decide to try the most overused scene in movie history, and fly a la Titanic on the bow of the boat. Really cheesy, and somewhat hard to watch. Finally it’s over and they head to, where else, the hot tub. Stephanie walks out to hot tub wrapped in her shawl and Andy is poised and ready for all three of them. She doesn’t disappoint…somehow she manages to keep the girls inside the ribbon wrapped around her chest. Now the catch on this date is that Stephanie either gets a rose and stays, or doesn’t and goes home after the date. Looking longingly into her…um…eyes, Andy asks her is she will accept the rose. Of course she says yes and goes in for the first smooch of the season. When she gets back to the house, the ladies want to know about her date. She shyly tells them how beautiful it was and lies about the kiss, saying she just got a peck on the cheek. We later overhear the ladies talking about her date and, of course, her boobs.
Ah yes, it’s time for tonight’s rose ceremony. Andy gets a few more precious moments with each of our contestants. He and Tessa give each other foot rubs, Tina proves how completely insecure she is, Nicole gets another private dance (yes, there was one earlier!) and the twins show up to create yet another Andy sandwich. Both are dressed in red halter plunge dresses. Nicole makes the best comment of the night (“You have Barbie, Ken and Barbie. It just doesn’t work”). We also find out that Alexis is this season’s virginal bride. And not to be outdone, Tessa takes the limelight again, stealing away to the bathroom to cry about how hard it is to be here and how she just can’t do it anymore. Wow, that was quick.
In the end, we say goodbye to Tiffany W, Susan and Alexis. Tiffany can’t understand why she has to go home. She thought they had a real connection…as she gazed off into the distance at the hunky cameraman. Susan wishes Andy had more of a chance to see her depth…and the volume of her breasts. Alexis hops up on the soap box next to her chair and literally shouts about how this just isn’t God’s plan for her life.
So that leaves us with Nicole, Tessa, Amanda, Bevin, Amber, Danielle I., Peyton, Tina, Erin and the illusive Stephanie W. Lets see how much fun we can have on our next date…
Charliezangel
